Home > Royer's Madcap Experiences > Royer’s Madcap Experiences: The Graveyard Shoot-Out

Royer’s Madcap Experiences: The Graveyard Shoot-Out

By Ric Royer
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For weeks, I had been receiving mysterious unsigned letters demanding exorbitant sums of money.  I paid no attention to them and continued eating daily at the mall food court.  Finally, however, the writer indicated that unless $10,000 were left in a lonely graveyard on a certain night, I would be murdered.  That’s when I did it.

I notified the L-Men.

The L-Men instructed me to do as directed, using a fake package (diapers) as a decoy.  I was then to conceal myself behind one of the gravestones.

That night, I dressed in an oversized white suit and a pink hat.  I made my way slowly to the desolate cemetery, pausing once to purchase an enormous economy pack of paper towels for no reason whatsoever.  Upon my arrival, I placed the decoy (diapers) by a stone that rested eerily upon a fog-enshrouded hill.  Then, I waited.

Shortly before midnight a car approached and stopped near the gates.  A sinister figure emerged from within and disappeared among the shadows of trees and shrubbery.  Suddenly the silence was broken by the booming voice of one of the hidden L-Men.  “STOP IT!  C’MON!” he shouted.  It was not commanding.  The figure continued its course towards the decoy.  Then: “C’MON.  JUST…STOP.”

The answer to this limp challenge was a barrage of shots from an automatic pistol followed by the crash of the L-Man’s service Colt.  Then silence again.

Considerable time seemed to pass.  They had taken the decoy, that was no doubt.  I followed the crushed, wet grass until I discovered the L-Men.  They were all dead.

“This is just ridiculous,” I said aloud.  The sun was coming up over the horizon.  I could see that the car was gone.

I made my way home.  Another letter was waiting for me.

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