Royer’s Madcap Experiences: The Graveyard Shoot-Out

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Royer’s Madcap Experiences: The Graveyard Shoot-Out

April 26, 2013 Leave a comment Go to comments

By Ric Royer

File photo

For weeks, I had been receiving mysterious unsigned letters demanding exorbitant sums of money. I paid no attention to them and continued eating daily at the mall food court. Finally, however, the writer indicated that unless $10,000 were left in a lonely graveyard on a certain night, I would be murdered. That’s when I did it.

I notified the L-Men.

The L-Men instructed me to do as directed, using a fake package (diapers) as a decoy. I was then to conceal myself behind one of the gravestones.

That night, I dressed in an oversized white suit and a pink hat. I made my way slowly to the desolate cemetery, pausing once to purchase an enormous economy pack of paper towels for no reason whatsoever. Upon my arrival, I placed the decoy (diapers) by a stone that rested eerily upon a fog-enshrouded hill. Then, I waited.

Shortly before midnight a car approached and stopped near the gates. A sinister figure emerged from within and disappeared among the shadows of trees and shrubbery. Suddenly the silence was broken by the booming voice of one of the hidden L-Men. “STOP IT! C’MON!” he shouted. It was not commanding. The figure continued its course towards the decoy. Then: “C’MON. JUST…STOP.”

The answer to this limp challenge was a barrage of shots from an automatic pistol followed by the crash of the L-Man’s service Colt. Then silence again.

Considerable time seemed to pass. They had taken the decoy, that was no doubt. I followed the crushed, wet grass until I discovered the L-Men. They were all dead.

“This is just ridiculous,” I said aloud. The sun was coming up over the horizon. I could see that the car was gone.

I made my way home. Another letter was waiting for me.

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FIND YOUR FAVORITE COLUMNS!

CURIOUS LETTERS

Gentlemen,

My name is Fletcher M. Gregory, Jr. and I am 85 years old. I have long been an admirer of your Fluffy Marshes-Mallows; indeed, my man-servant Mr. Swift and I enjoy it atop our sundaes three or four days per week! However, as time has passed, I have noticed that your product becomes more and more difficult to locate in the grocery center and that other, obviously inferior products are now being allotted primer space. Now, this could be the work of the disgraceful he-she that manages my local grocery center (IT'S name is "Steve") but I have had other associates who have expressed similar concerns.

Therefore, I was hoping you could provide me with information on how you intend to rectify this matter as I am fearful that your fine product will eventually disappear forever from the shelves of my local grocery center-cum Sodom.

Yours faithfully,
Fletcher M. Gregory, Lankville

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TRAVEL TIPS by Randy Hammers

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