Home > 2012-13 Season > Former Owner and Reporter Pennies Presumed Dead

Former Owner and Reporter Pennies Presumed Dead

By Bernie Keebler
Senior Staff Writer
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Former hockey executive and Pondicherry Association News reporter Dr. Pennies is presumed dead according to a report released today by Lankville detectives.  Dr. Pennies has not been seen for months.

“He has a third cousin who he hadn’t got around to killing yet and that third cousin asked us to investigate,” noted Detective Gee-Temple who consented to a brief press conference.  “We went to Dr. Pennies’ apartment, knocked on the door for awhile and got no answer.  Despite the horrendous, overpowering, permeating stench of darkest death in the hallway, we elected to leave the premises and are now operating on the presumption that the former reporter has expired.”

Dr. Pennies was last seen in Pondicherry Association News offices in February of this year.

“As I mentioned before, he came into the break room with a vicious look of purpose on his face,” stated senior staff writer Grady Kitchens.  “He cooked a lasagna in the microwave at extremely high temperatures for an extremely long time until the lasagna combusted.  He looked at us all very closely and carefully and then left the room, never to be seen again.  I certainly think he was trying to communicate something.”

“He had a strange way of sort of barreling down on things, sort of moving very quickly despite his size towards some goal, the sort of goal that would not be achievable for most men,” remembered senior staff writer Nient Boffo.  “He tried to kill me several times.  I think he could have but decided at the last minute not to.  I have not yet processed any of it.”

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