Animal Rights Groups Incensed by Royer Comment
By Brock Belvedere, Jr.
Senior Staff Writer
File photo
Animal rights groups have begun protesting outside Memorial Yea! Keepsake Auditorium, home ice of the Terrifying Bats, incensed over a recent comment made by owner Ric Royer.
“I made a simple statement,” noted Royer from his room at Foontz-Flonnaise Home of Abundant Senselessness. “And that was to express my desire to cut off a giraffe’s head, mount it on a funny, spinning pinwheel and have it installed in the front yard of one of my vacation homes. The furor that has resulted from this comment is very boring. I’m bored now.”
Royer began nervously placing a fluffy white substance about the roads of his illuminated porcelain village.
“It’s snowing now,” he explained.
Two groups are said to be spearheading the protest including the Lankville Society for Animal Niceties and the Central Lankville Zoo Happiness Committee.
“[Royer’s] comments are absolutely outrageous,” said a protester who refused to be identified and was later murdered by the creeping menace from the dark bowels of the universe. “The LSAN and the CLZHC have joined together in solidarity against this cruelty.”
“I am not cruel,” Royer stated after being apprised of the comments. “Giraffes are very funny and their heads would look funny spinning on a pinwheel. It’s an aesthetic choice, really.”
The embattled executive suddenly produced a gigantic leaf blower. With a flick of a switch, a loud gust whisked away the fluffy white substance.
“The snow melted,” Royer explained.
The protest is expected to continue throughout the day.
LANKVILLE DAILY NEWS: IN BOOK FORM!
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TONIGHT ON TV! RICHARD AND THE POSTMAN REUNION SPECIAL!
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CHAMBERS CO. HAND DRILLS: When Electricity is Not an Option
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GREBOV BROTHERS TELESCOPE COMPANY
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HADBAWNIK HAUNTED BRUSH PILES!
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Lankville has been relying on Dr. Johnny Padres for their optical needs since 1973. We offer a full service family eye care center and provide examinations for glasses and contacts and have a large display of designer, traditional and innovative eyewear for both regular prescription eyeglasses and sunglasses all of which will enable you to see TITS better. Call Lankville Business 2618-2.
LIFE LESSONS FUNERAL HOME
Life Lessons Funeral Home has been helping Lankville with dead people since 1932. Contact Eddie or Stummins, Lankville Business, 5-2161.
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Really some of our best ever! Have you ever seen anything like it? Call Kelly (male) at Lankville Sound 2615.
MEAT FRENZY
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MISSING
Missing: adult penguin. Christ, I just let him out in the yard for one minute and now he's gone. Responds to the name "Richard". Call Lankville Eastern Outlands, 5-6213.
NOW PLAYING!
The Unhinged: A New Film by Tom "Vapor" Rayford. Crisp Street Cinema, Eastern Lankville
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Little shed for sale. With door, mailbox, dirt plot. Site of multiple murders but don't worry, they happened around back. To inquire, come to the shed. Go around back.
REAL ESTATE
Four acre lot in Eastern Lankville Cove Area. Price reduced! Site of a fireworks display in which several people fell out of their lawnchairs and died. Locals believe it haunted but that's crap. Call Cove 2751.
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TRAVEL TIPS by Randy Hammers
The Kum Back Inn in the Lankville Desert Area has long been serving road-weary travelers. They feature a restaurant (with cocktails) and two spacious conference rooms. The Kum Back boasts 65 units-- each including window dressing, some chairs and a larger chair (seats two smallish children), a bed with orange comforter, a plastic trash can, clever paintings, and a windowless door. TV also available in 17 (sometimes 19) rooms. Most of the rooms are air-conditioned. Oscillating fans available upon request. Illuminated carports will protect your vehicle from the vicious sudden dust storms that often overtake the Desert Area and the wild thieves that occasionally parade across the landscape like some unmentionable horror. Call now at TU-0780 and ask for Bud or Karen (married).
UTILITY YARD SHEDS
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