Home > 2012-13 Season > Animal Rights Groups Incensed by Royer Comment

Animal Rights Groups Incensed by Royer Comment

By Brock Belvedere, Jr.
Senior Staff Writer
File photo

Animal rights groups have begun protesting outside Memorial Yea! Keepsake Auditorium, home ice of the Terrifying Bats, incensed over a recent comment made by owner Ric Royer.

“I made a simple statement,” noted Royer from his room at Foontz-Flonnaise Home of Abundant Senselessness.  “And that was to express my desire to cut off a giraffe’s head, mount it on a funny, spinning pinwheel and have it installed in the front yard of one of my vacation homes.  The furor that has resulted from this comment is very boring.  I’m bored now.”

Royer began nervously placing a fluffy white substance about the roads of his illuminated porcelain village.

“It’s snowing now,” he explained.

Two groups are said to be spearheading the protest including the Lankville Society for Animal Niceties and the Central Lankville Zoo Happiness Committee.

“[Royer’s] comments are absolutely outrageous,” said a protester who refused to be identified and was later murdered by the creeping menace from the dark bowels of the universe.  “The LSAN and the CLZHC have joined together in solidarity against this cruelty.”

“I am not cruel,” Royer stated after being apprised of the comments.  “Giraffes are very funny and their heads would look funny spinning on a pinwheel.  It’s an aesthetic choice, really.”

The embattled executive suddenly produced a gigantic leaf blower.  With a flick of a switch, a loud gust whisked away the fluffy white substance.

“The snow melted,” Royer explained.

The protest is expected to continue throughout the day.

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