Home > Ordeal of a Cosmonaut > Del Rio Recalls Horrifying Inaugural Space Mission

Del Rio Recalls Horrifying Inaugural Space Mission

September 12, 2013 Leave a comment Go to comments

Nick Del Rio
Space Asshole Correspondent
File Photo

I have flown over one-hundred missions to space but none was more horrifying than the first.

I was just a junior astronaut, attached to a mission led by the great Commodore Heinz Barrels.  There were 56 of us aboard the Spaces-Ship as it was known.  The initial part of the voyage went well– I was able to conduct some experiments involving thick fluids poured into flat containers that yielded important data.  The crew was cheery and amicable.

As we approached the Moon, Commodore Barrels made a fatal error in judgement and the ship crashed into a crater. 53 aboard were killed– only Commodore Barrels, Special Woman Astronaut Lara Topping and myself survived.  We spent weeks jettisoning the mangled bodies into space, a job that was increasingly left almost exclusively to me.  The Commodore and S.W.A. Topping would disappear for long stretches at a time; later I accidentally discovered them in flagrante delicto behind a pile of spaces rocks.  Or, I should say, as much as that is possible through a thick, rubbery spaces suit.

I voiced my concerns over dinner that night.  We were not doing enough to repair the Spaces-Ship .  Intercourse was one thing, I admitted, but survival quite another.  They quietly agreed and after that they followed my directions.

But then some Hill-Aliens ate them.

Sometimes, I don’t know how I got back.

  1. Wayne Gibbous
    September 12, 2013 at 9:31 am

    I question why The Pondicherry Association news is publishing anything by this astronaut asshole. All astronauts are assholes. There’s nothing up there, we know that.

  2. Cresps Danner
    September 12, 2013 at 9:52 am


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