Royer to Open Eight Pretzel Kiosks by 2015

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Royer to Open Eight Pretzel Kiosks by 2015

September 14, 2013 Leave a comment Go to comments

By Larry “God” Peters The Lankville Action News: YES! Team
Far-Flung Areas Correspondent

File photo

Just one day after announcing his foray into the icynene spray-foam business, incarcerated executive Ric Royer has also gone public with his intent to open eight pretzel kiosks by 2015.

“We have an excess of blank snack spaces in Lankville,” explained Royer in an interview held beside his new van. “It occurred to me that the ideal thing would be to go ahead and open the kiosks. I’ve always liked pretzels.”

The kiosks will be placed outside of key Pondicherry Association arenas and will also vend nachos, cottons [sic] candies and frosted nuts.

“I bought the supplies today,” said Royer, who asked to be quoted using his “magical name” which he then forgot to provide. “I opted for the 18×18 “Simplex” Humidified Pretzel Warmer. You should see this beautiful specimen. Holds over 40 jumbo pretzels, 120 volts of raw power lights the interior, hand-rubbed stainless steel exterior, cap tube thermometer. It’s an absolute wonder.”

“Some people will tell you that you get can away with Sterno,” added Royer. “That’s a canard. The humidified display case is far superior to a non-humidified unit because the humidity keeps the pretzel soft, warm and yielding– fresh for the longest period of time. The texture will be greater and the electronic controls will allow for mistake-free operation as I know that I’ll probably be employing a lot of monstrous island immigrants as employees. The controls will be my fail-safe.”

Royer also purchased several “Pralinators”, a device that cooks frosted nuts. “I went with the 12 volt,” continued Royer. “OK, here, we’re talking six pounds of product per hour. Stainless steel frame exterior, additional hookups for automatic frosters. A gorgeous mechanism.”

“I can’t wait to get started,” Royer added, following a long, eerie silence.

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CURIOUS LETTERS

Gentlemen,

My name is Fletcher M. Gregory, Jr. and I am 85 years old. I have long been an admirer of your Fluffy Marshes-Mallows; indeed, my man-servant Mr. Swift and I enjoy it atop our sundaes three or four days per week! However, as time has passed, I have noticed that your product becomes more and more difficult to locate in the grocery center and that other, obviously inferior products are now being allotted primer space. Now, this could be the work of the disgraceful he-she that manages my local grocery center (IT'S name is "Steve") but I have had other associates who have expressed similar concerns.

Therefore, I was hoping you could provide me with information on how you intend to rectify this matter as I am fearful that your fine product will eventually disappear forever from the shelves of my local grocery center-cum Sodom.

Yours faithfully,
Fletcher M. Gregory, Lankville

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