Home > Royer's Madcap Experiences > Royer’s Madcap Experiences: The Gazebo Kit

Royer’s Madcap Experiences: The Gazebo Kit

February 4, 2014 Leave a comment Go to comments

By Ric Royer


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I didn’t have a basement but felt that the gazebo kit required one. A well-lit clean tool bench where I could spread my paints out, a steel stool, an old radio with calm, easy-listening trumpets and a triple-layered serving plate stuffed with various cakes to the extent that the cakes had become more horrific than desirable. I had to make that happen.

I cased an appropriate house.  The owner carried a lunchpail and wore overalls.  I knew his basement would be suitable.

Traditional gazebo kit.

Traditional gazebo kit.

I blew the door off with some low-grade explosives and carefully took the gazebo kit into the basement.  It was perfect.

I sat my paints and the kit on the well-tended bench.  The pink bakelite radio immediately issued forth the low, soothing music I had hoped for; I could hear frogs from somewhere even though it was winter.

I opened the box.  The gazebo was thoroughly researched and finely-crafted and I immediately admired the highly-detailed white metal castings.  Here, before me, was an old-fashioned gazebo with a dome roof, latticed side railings and benches.  I thought of finely-clad 19th-century Lankville women (perhaps with tits), listening to the music issuing forth from the bandstand as they sipped lemonade on this very structure.

Something happened then.  My hand began to shake violently and I smeared brown paint all over the roof– brown paint that had suddenly become thick and viscous and could not be removed.  I cursed and then, as I attempted to save the gazebo, I pressed too hard on the supporting beams and the entire structure was destroyed in my hands.

I was temporarily blinded.  Then, I saw only a screaming skull encircled by fire.  I knew that someone would have to die for this, that real structures would have to be destroyed.

I went upstairs to the kitchen and found some hams and a big can of candy.  Then I set off the remaining low-grade explosives.  I watched the conflagration from across the street.

The only thing I cared about had been doubly destroyed.

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