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Royer on Animals

By Ida Rumpus

By Ida Rumpus

Ida Rumpus recently had a chance to sit down with Lankville business mogul Frater-Xerxes (Ric Royer).

IR: Tell me about your childhood growing up with animals.
RR: I had a bunny for a time.
IR: What happened to him?
RR: He blew away.
IR: It’s well-known that you once ate a panda. How have you worked to change your image?
RR: Most people who manage malls have cooked up a hell-broth of self-induced obstacles or else shoot forth as if from a deranged jenny into some sort of romantic imagination and fool themselves for the rest of their lives.
IR: I assume you’re talking about Scott Kites, who has been trying to evict you from your mall home?
RR(clearly confused): Who?
IR: I want to ask you about the upcoming Lankville Panda Benefit. You are spearheading this initiative, I understand?
RR: Every panda has a course, depending partly on the panda’s self and partly on the panda’s environment which is natural, luscious and necessary for each. Any panda who is forced from its self, or through external opposition from another panda, comes into conflict with the order of our Universe and suffers accordingly.
IR: And that’s where you step in? To try to help the panda stay on its course?
RR(clearly confused): Who?
IR: How much do you hope to raise for pandas?
RR(clearly confused): Who?
IR: Anything else?
RR: You can transform heat into light and power to illuminate an entire porcelain Christmas village.
IR: Thanks.
RR: Why?

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