You’ve Been Thinking About that Presentation Oar, Haven’t You?
By Floyd Tingley
You’ve been thinking about that presentation oar, haven’t you? A lot of people are like you. They read my article a few months ago and they said, “Hurrmpff! What do I want with one of them?” And then you thought about how good it would look in your basement, den, or boat. Am I right?
Well, fortunately, at Tingley Presentation Oars, we don’t hold no grudges. You want a presentation oar, you came to the right place. Right now, we’re even having a small sale. $195 a presentation oar. Now, before you go writing me and saying, “Hey Floyd– that’s the price you said last time”, let’s make something clear. The price went up. Went up to $215 but right now, just because I know you’ve been thinking about it, I’m going to lower it back to $195 just for you.
Comes with a little gold plaque. I’ll put anything you want on there. Put your name, someone else’s name, the name of your craft, whatever you want. Just no nonsense. No humor. I don’t stand for any of that.
You can write me: Tingley Little Presentation Oars, 55 Knobs, South Lankville, 2-111. Serious inquiries only. Be sure to inquire soon– there’s gonna be a long waiting list at these prices.
The opinions of Mr. Tingley are not necessarily the opinions of The Lankville Daily News and its subsidiaries.
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ACCOMMODATIONS
When staying in the Area Beyond the Outlands, pick the Murray. Friendly, creative staff, delightful beds, curtains. Phone Far Outlands 5-6712.
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The book is gone. It will never return. We hear stories but they are likely false. We live in the woods now. We make fire with a lighter that we found in the street. It was crushed by a truck but, somehow, perhaps through some intervention that is beyond us, it still works. We are waiting. We are waiting.
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TONIGHT ON TV! RICHARD AND THE POSTMAN REUNION SPECIAL!
The Hit program from the 1970's returns to Lankville TV tonight on LBC!
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BANDED DUFFELS ON PALLETS
Assorted colors. Whatever you want to do, man. Call Lankville Falls, 3247.
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CANDY
Jipps Co. Full Service Candy Counter! Our alert girls will push gummy drops into special paper sheaths, engage in restrained pleasantries and explain chocholate-to-nougat ratios. Call Central Lankville 3614.
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In compliance with Lankville subsection 11:16-4.
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EMPLOYMENT
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EMPLOYMENT
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GREBOV BROTHERS TELESCOPE COMPANY
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HADBAWNIK HAUNTED BRUSH PILES!
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LIFE LESSONS FUNERAL HOME
Life Lessons Funeral Home has been helping Lankville with dead people since 1932. Contact Eddie or Stummins, Lankville Business, 5-2161.
LOOK AT THESE BEAUTIES!
Really some of our best ever! Have you ever seen anything like it? Call Kelly (male) at Lankville Sound 2615.
MISSING
Missing: adult penguin. Christ, I just let him out in the yard for one minute and now he's gone. Responds to the name "Richard". Call Lankville Eastern Outlands, 5-6213.
NOW PLAYING!
The Unhinged: A New Film by Tom "Vapor" Rayford. Crisp Street Cinema, Eastern Lankville
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REAL ESTATE
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SPEAKING ENGAGEMENT
Robin Brox will sit around and get progressively more intoxicated while listening to this other broad natter on about something. LANKVILLE REGIONAL AUDITORIUM, August 4, 11PM.
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The Kum Back Inn in the Lankville Desert Area has long been serving road-weary travelers. They feature a restaurant (with cocktails) and two spacious conference rooms. The Kum Back boasts 65 units-- each including window dressing, some chairs and a larger chair (seats two smallish children), a bed with orange comforter, a plastic trash can, clever paintings, and a windowless door. TV also available in 17 (sometimes 19) rooms. Most of the rooms are air-conditioned. Oscillating fans available upon request. Illuminated carports will protect your vehicle from the vicious sudden dust storms that often overtake the Desert Area and the wild thieves that occasionally parade across the landscape like some unmentionable horror. Call now at TU-0780 and ask for Bud or Karen (married).
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WRESTLING TONIGHT!
8PM, Southern Lankville Man-Arena. Featuring Ric "Wild Boy" Tipps (green trunks).
ZACH KEEBAUGH INVESTIGATIONS
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Mr. Tingleey’s presentation oors are worth themoney. Everybody says to me that gary that oor you got is gorgeous– did you karve it yourself? everybody says that to me and then (rest of letter covered in blood).