Summer Scandal: Snack Machines Still not up to Snuff

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Summer Scandal: Snack Machines Still not up to Snuff

June 23, 2015 Leave a comment Go to comments

By Ida Rumpus

LANKVILLE ACTION NEWS: YES!

Back in March, The Lankville Daily News broke an exclusive story on local vending machines, which were shockingly bereft of the tasty treats and salty snacks residents had come to crave. We were assured by no less an authority than Sue Ely, spokesperson for President Pondicherry, that henceforth the vending machines would be under “new management,” freed from the derelict leadership of old people who had allowed the machines’ usual abundance to lapse.

Bull-oney: Not such an “incredibull” selection

That was certainly the expectation of Dave Schlarsberger, assistant vice president in the Office of Financial Excellence at Lankville State University. “You can’t always find Braided Honey Twist Wheat Helices… OK, I can deal with that,” he said from his office in Carmody Hall. “But at least leave me some Moon Chips. At least throw in, I dunno, a bag of Rigid Rice Scraps. I mean, come on.”

In fact, in fourteen of the twenty-two vending machines personally examined by this reporter, there were no snacks at all. No Salty Crab Cake Crackers. No Double-Dipped Bow-Tie Licorice Ribbons. No Goudy Gorilla Chee-zits. Nothing. Nada.

A scandal? Not according to Presidential Spokesperson Sue Ely.

“What the ordinary Lankvillian doesn’t understand is that stocking vending machines is a complicated business,” she said in a prepared statement from her bunker in Pondicherry Palace. “There are supply and demand issues that need to be carefully monitored and deftly managed. Everyone wants their Wheat Helices, and we get that. But we can’t just stuff every machine willy-nilly with every kind of treat.”

Spokesperson Ely called for calm – and patience.

Slim pickins as snack oasis goes dry

“There is a new team in place, a team of responsible youths, in charge of the machines,” she said. “We need to give them time, time for their ideas and creativity to truly blossom.”

Spokesperson Ely declined to comment on the images of empty machines and bereft luncheon displays provided by The Lankville Daily News.

To OFE vice president Schlarsberger, such assurances feel hollow – not unlike his rumbling stomach.

“Look, I’m bringing clients and prospective funders to the Lankville State campus all the time,” he said. “How do you think it looks when I show them around and we have to walk past all those empty machines? It’s embarrassing. This is Lankville, dammit, not some backwards Island Republic of Whatever.”

Schlarsberger then removed an empty bag of Braided Honey Twist Wheat Helices from his desk, memento of a pretzel “bounty” that he enjoyed from these same machines last fall, and fondled it longingly. But such a bounty now seems a long time ago indeed.

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CURIOUS LETTERS

Gentlemen,

My name is Fletcher M. Gregory, Jr. and I am 85 years old. I have long been an admirer of your Fluffy Marshes-Mallows; indeed, my man-servant Mr. Swift and I enjoy it atop our sundaes three or four days per week! However, as time has passed, I have noticed that your product becomes more and more difficult to locate in the grocery center and that other, obviously inferior products are now being allotted primer space. Now, this could be the work of the disgraceful he-she that manages my local grocery center (IT'S name is "Steve") but I have had other associates who have expressed similar concerns.

Therefore, I was hoping you could provide me with information on how you intend to rectify this matter as I am fearful that your fine product will eventually disappear forever from the shelves of my local grocery center-cum Sodom.

Yours faithfully,
Fletcher M. Gregory, Lankville

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