Archive
STAR SIGHTING AT PIZZA A-ROUND, GARLIC BREAD CONSUMED
By Sarah Samways, Contributing Female
Popular motivational speaker and local “financeteer,” Brian 4 Ever, made a rare appearance at the Pizza A-Round last night. Also spotted were Computer Computer Paper CEO Amanda Burgess, Tammy La Hoyt of Tammy’s Nails, LDN’s own cuisine writer Brian Schropp, and President Albert Pondicherry. Yes, the stars were certainly out in honor of the pizza establishment’s recent “C-” grade from the Board of Health, (the highest grade its seen in months). Coinciding with this was the Computer Computer Paper company’s annual Midnight Snack/Employee Appreciation Seminar, aiming to “celebrate good employees and belittle bad ones all while enjoying a light nosh.” 4 Ever was the head lecturer for the event.
“Tomorrow I will be another year older and thankfully, a little bit wiser,” said 4 Ever in an indistinct Southern Lankville accent.
“I’ve come out here tonight, standing on a precipice, to share my priceless advice on how to live your life to its fullest! How to become all that you can be! There are several steps to success and it starts with money and it ends with money and in between that are empty pizza boxes, a cleansing, burning sensation, a couple of songs, and a limited time offer. Tell me people, are you ready to change your life?”
At the height of his speech, 4 Ever then proceeded to remove his suit to reveal a simple black cocktail dress as Burgess urged pizza patrons to try some of 4 Ever’s “miracle hand lotion.”
Computer Computer Paper
“This is a risk-free, low-commitment, time-sensitive deal here. For just five installments of $19.99, you can change your life! The burning is only an indication of toxins being removed from the body, you’re getting cleaner as we speak,” Burgess coaxed a clearly agitated onlooker, while globbing some of the lotion into his hands.
After the speech was over, refreshments and slices of garlic bread were served, autographs were signed and photographs were offered with 4 Ever and Burgess at a discounted fare of $49.99, special for the occasion. Number-one-fan, Katrina Hall, excitedly emptied her purse to the duo.
“I’ve been following Brian 4 Ever on tour for about seven years now. His talks are so inspirational! I’ve bought all his products! I even got myself a job as a secretary at the Computer Computer Paper company just so I could witness his talks on the business circuit. Of course, I ended up losing that position because I would sneak into the conference room for his lectures and let all of (Burgess’s) calls go to voicemail…But, ya know, there are no hard feelings.”
The Pizza A-Round, pleased with the night’s events, is stated to be in the process of making a commemorative “Pizza Pizza 4 Ever,” a pie that can only be described by the chef as “never-ending.” Details will be released at a later date.
Notes of an Old Man Who Lives Alone
By Luman Cans Harris
The Lankville Daily News is pleased to present Luman Cans Harris’ column “Notes of an Old Man Who Lives Alone”. Mr. Harris’ column had appeared for many years in “The East Lankville Journal for People Taking Bus Trips” which folded in May.
I had a place on the second floor in the back. There were a couple of dark rooms and a kitchen and a bath. The tub was made of plastic and it had been pierced when the guy who lived there before me had been stabbed by his roommate. The landlord said, “I’m not fixing that. For $300 a month, I’m not fixing that” and then we had a couple of drinks in the kitchen and he started crying, telling me some sob story about how his wife had left him for a retired Lingus Nets player. Then, he gave me a roll of waterproof duct tape.
I’d have two baths a day. One in early afternoon and another about an hour before dusk. Then, I’d take a little walk around the neighborhood. I’d stop in at the Island grocery and pick up some bread and some salami. The Islander’s wife was something– big hips, big bust and when she bagged the salami, I’ll admit it, I got a huge hard-on. Well, at least a hard-on.
I’d eat the salami sandwiches at the kitchen table and read old phone directories. I had a pile of them, going back twenty years. The sun would go down about then. I’d keep an eye on the street. There was this girl, you see, who lived in an apartment in back of the geegaw shop. There was a gate and then a long walkway filled with trash and she lived back there somewhere, somewhere with all the trash.
One night, when I was sitting eating salami and reading the phone directory, I saw this guy come over in a brown suit. He was a big guy with a mustache and he was just standing there near the gate. She came to the gate and then he went in. “Huh, little funny business back there,” I said aloud. The refrigerator suddenly buzzed. It buzzed sometimes.
I saw her in the laundromat one time. She was a husky young thing with a pretty big bust and behind but a little on the dumpy side. She kept smiling at me.
“You live across the street?” she finally said.
“I live alone.”
“Well, if you ever need any company, come see me.”
“I’m Luman Cans Harris,” I said. “Would you like to come over for salami sandwiches one night?”
She didn’t know what to make of that. But she agreed.
Three nights later, she knocked at the kitchen door. I let her in. She looked around the place. There wasn’t much to see– couple of chairs, a sofa, a teevee, my shelf of phone directories. I led her back to the kitchen.
“Do you like salami?” I asked. “I can put the air conditioner on. I don’t use it much.”
“I’m a vegan actually. Do you have anything else?”
“No. I only buy enough salami and bread for one night. I have an agreement with the Islanders– they let me break up a loaf.”
“OK.” She went out.
I watched her cross the street. Twenty minutes later some guy was over there. When she met him at the gate, she had changed her clothes. She was wearing some sort of leather get-up. He had a plastic bag from a nearby party store. But it was hard to see.
I ate my salami sandwich. I put a little mustard on it on this night.
Further stories by Luman Cans Harris will appear in upcoming issues of The Lankville Daily News.
How to Get the Party Started
By Mr. Mentor
So you think you’re real hot shit, don’t you? Careful now girl, easy does it now. Don’t inflate too many balloons if you ain’t prepared to party. Don’t pack your luggage just yet now. Deep down, you already know the itinerary; you’ve got to travel slowly and meaningfully and respectfully. Kiss maybe a quarter of the hands you meet and then shake approximately 17.5% of the babies you come across vigorously. Approximately, you know – give or take.
You want out of the endless cycle of running in place and chasing your own tail? You want to save the world? Go tell it on the goddamn mountain because some of ‘em are better than you and some of ‘em are worse but they’re all hungry, see? Which goes back into that party I mentioned before…
Did you set the table? Did you dim the lights? Are the salad forks on the correct side of the plate? Is the candelabra lit? Is the good china out? Are the glasses pristine? Is the wine sparkling? Is the conversation flowing, not forced?
Write nine ‘thank you’ notes to every guest who decided to show up, on the hour, every hour. Sound like a lot to do? Afraid you’ll mess it all up along the way, spilling gravy into someone’s irritated lap? You will, a little bit, but if you keep your head on both shoulders, your tie tucked away evenly under your collar, and your eyes and ears open – you might just host the party of a lifetime.
The Five Mistakes You Made at the Epic Poetry Recital Contest
By Pa-hinn Cruikshank
Lankville’s epic poetry recital scene is, well, epic. Ever since Ulf Egilsson emigrated from a foreign place to the Lankville Partial Icy Regions many generations ago, carrying his father on his back along with household gods and the songs, poems, and dirges of his homeland in his heart, Lankville has prided itself on maintaining the tradition: The tradition of epic poetry recitals that last eight days and usually end with several deaths and a new “Scop König” (poet-king) being crowned. But entering the recital contest is not for the feint of heart; we have compiled these common rookie mistakes to help you survive with your head intact and your sagas successfully sung. Herewith, the mistakes you made:
1) You decided to recite the challenging “Lankvillüngen Cycle.” With its complex contrapuntal rhythms, its erotic theme of incestuous bestiality, and its famous “middle section” composed of nothing but Old Lank-vowel sounds spat out in a syncopated staccato, the Cycle is a popular recital choice. But it requires a good deal of fortitude – not to mention a practiced tongue and, often, a cleft palate, to perform just right.
Don’t wear one of these to your epic poetry recital
2) You tried to do a “call and response” thing. Another common pitfall for neophyte recitalists: attempting to rouse an audience sedated by hours of grog, mead, and mutton to follow along and shout back alliterative lines of epic verse. Good luck with that – and get ready to duck, as the “response” is likely to be a half-eaten turkey leg hurled with great gusto from the back row of the hall!
3) You laughed during Rocky Dalrimple’s recital. This didn’t seem like a mistake at the time; after all, Rocky’s epic poetry is unquestionably hilarious, full of uncanny doppelgängers, unexpected scenes of exploding eyeballs and gullets, and sexually active septuagenarians. The problem is that it’s all true. Every last word is something that Rocky (or his illustrious but star-crossed family) personally experienced. Laugh about the Dalrimples’ misadventures in the privacy of your own home – but never, ever let a guffaw escape during the epic poetry recital contest.
Don’t wear one of these to your epic poetry recital either
4) You used props. Newsflash: No one has been able to pull off the “scarab-encrusted horned helmet” look since at least Snorri Egilsson, great-grandson of Ulf and master epic poet. And while you thought it was clever to bring along that cross-section from the Old Pondicherry Square Oak, representing the ephemeral life of man and the ever-expanding ripples of the universe, the subtlety of the metaphor was a bit lost on the boys in the back row. Perhaps you decided to “go big,” and actually dig up the head of Uncle Billy to illustrate the gruesome conclusion of the “Bönkersaga,” that familiar Lankville favorite. Still a bad move – you never want your prop to overshadow your poem.
5) You went home with some epic poetry groupies. Congratulations! You survived your first epic poetry recital contest, and while you weren’t crowned Scop König, you endured the endless toasts and challenges and blood sacrifices and emerged with your dignity intact. Until those strapping ladies who hang on every syllable, with long golden tresses and names like Hilgar and Ůnferth and Wealhtheow, took you aside and flattered your recitation of the Lankvellir-round, with the result that instead of reporting dutifully at your job in the Office of Financial Interests at Southern Lankville University, you found yourself waxed to the gills and going on “raids” up and down the Partial Icy Regions coastline.
And yet – like almost any new initiate in the ways of the Lankville epic poetry recital contest: you’ve made it! The hard part is over, and next year you can come back better than ever, thanks to experience and lessons learned.
OPINION: I’ve Been Punched in the Mouth at the Doctor’s Office Before, I’ll Be Punched in the Mouth at the Doctor’s Office Again
By Dick La Hoyt
OUTSTANDING OPINIONS
Yeah, this is some breaking news for that asspipe that punched me in the mouth at the doctor’s office the other day. Guess what, shit-clown? I’ve been punched in the mouth at the doctor’s office before and I’ll be punched in the mouth at the doctor’s office again.
So, I’m just sitting around Dr. Yothers’ waiting room, minding my own business, skimming through an old issue of Lingus Nets Illustrated and this tough guy comes strolling in. He makes some small talk with the nurse Karen and then he sits down a couple of chairs away from me. Whole time, I’m thinking what the hell is this prick’s problem? but I keep my thoughts to myself. Dick La Hoyt ain’t no troublemaker, know what I mean?
Next thing I know, this guy comes horning in on the magazine table. I’m like WHOA BUDDY! BACK OFF! THESE MAGAZINES ARE SPOKEN FOR! and I put my arms out quickly to signify that I’m ready for a dance if it comes to that.
“You’ve been punched in the mouth.”
This retard is all like, “All the magazines are spoken for? There’s twenty magazines here!” and I’m like YOU GOTTA’ PROBLEM WITH THAT, BUDDY, WE CAN TAKE THIS SHIT OUTSIDE and Karen, the nurse is all like This is a doctor’s office, this is a doctor’s office and one thing leads to another and the next thing you know, this cock fiddler is bucking, there’s some back and forth around the magazine table and then, BANG, the shitheel clocks me right in the mouth.
I wake up on a table in Dr. Yothers’ office. He’s sitting on a stool doing a word puzzle. He’s got this whole thing about word puzzles.
“Feeling better Mr. La Hoyt?” He hands me an ice pack. My lip is all busted to hell and a tooth feels loose.
“Where’s that horse’s ass?” I say.
“I sent him away. Just rest, Mr. La Hoyt. You’ve been punched in the mouth.”
Sure, sure, I’d been punched in the mouth, doc. But I just want that sack of shit to know it– ain’t the first time and it won’t be the last.
The opinions of Dick La Hoyt are not necessarily the opinions of The Lankville Daily News or any of its subsidiaries.
OPINION: Yeah, I Think I Can Do It
By Pat Lowenstein
OPINIONS TO START YOUR DAY OFF RIGHT
It was a few months back. I was feeling really down. I had just lost a big competition in which large amounts of tubular snack foods had to be consumed quickly during a short period of time. I was sitting alone in the locker room, toweling off. I had a terrible fire in my belly and a great shadow had passed over the high windows. I had the blues, I’ll admit to it.
I was feeling really down. I had just lost a big competition in which large amounts of tubular snack foods had to be consumed quickly during a short period of time.
I looked down into my duffel. There was a brand new ceramic knife there (I collect them) and I thought about how easy it would be to slice open my neck and die against the lockers (yep, that’s how bad off I was, folks). No one would find me for days– not until the competitive tubular snack food circuit rolled around again. I unsheathed the knife. And that’s when Dennis Updatables walked by.
Dennis was the champ– everybody knew it. But he was a general good guy and he liked me. “You’ve got the elan,” he would often say. “Don’t throw it away. Follow your dreams.” The younger guys– we clung to him like children– gathering around on those long bus rides to hear him spin yarns of his decades on the circuit. He was in the twilight of his career, sure. But he was still topflight in my book.
“Feeling bad, Pat?” he asked. He slowly reached for the knife and took it from my sweaty hand. “No need for this though. How’s about I hold onto this tonight?” He threw the knife into his duffel and joined me on the bench.
“I’ve got something for you, kid.” He reached into his breast pocket. “Take care of the fire in your belly first. And then, you can take care of that fire in your mind.”
Dennis Updatables– aging champ.
It was a roll of antacids. The good stuff too– foreign brand, maybe from the Islands. He popped a couple off into my palm. “Sit back and close your eyes,” he advised. I took two down in one swallow.
Everything opened up then. I forgot totally about the knife and my idea of ripping open my throat and bleeding to death against a row of lockers.
He put his hand on my shoulder. “Feeling better?”
“Yeah, gee. I feel great.” He smiled.
He stood up. “Keep at it, kid. You’re going places.” He threw his duffel over his shoulder and disappeared down the darkened hallway with a friendly wave of his hand. I looked after him, amazed. “WOW,” I said aloud.
So, yeah, I think I can do it. And you can too, Lankville.
ACCOMMODATIONS
When staying in the Area Beyond the Outlands, pick the Murray. Friendly, creative staff, delightful beds, curtains. Phone Far Outlands 5-6712.
LANKVILLE DAILY NEWS: IN BOOK FORM!
The book is gone. It will never return. We hear stories but they are likely false. We live in the woods now. We make fire with a lighter that we found in the street. It was crushed by a truck but, somehow, perhaps through some intervention that is beyond us, it still works. We are waiting. We are waiting.
Original Pondicherry Association News promotional advertisement (2009)
TONIGHT ON TV! RICHARD AND THE POSTMAN REUNION SPECIAL!
The Hit program from the 1970's returns to Lankville TV tonight on LBC!
ADULT ADVERTISEMENT
Women all over Lankville are just sitting at mammoth computers waiting to hear from men like you! Just insert a floppy disk, write a (non-sexual) message and let the sparks fly! (Computer not included).
ADVERTISEMENT
A Vitiello Decorative Ham makes a great gift. Show that you care today.
BANDED DUFFELS ON PALLETS
Assorted colors. Whatever you want to do, man. Call Lankville Falls, 3247.
BRIAN SCHROPP IN THE LANKVILLE DAILY NEWS
The most important cuisine articles ever written.
CANDY
Jipps Co. Full Service Candy Counter! Our alert girls will push gummy drops into special paper sheaths, engage in restrained pleasantries and explain chocholate-to-nougat ratios. Call Central Lankville 3614.
CAT PHOTO
In compliance with Lankville subsection 11:16-4.
CHAMBERS CO. HAND DRILLS: When Electricity is Not an Option
When electricity is not an option consider the Chambers Company hand crank drills. Perfect for use in tight spaces, on distant islands or for drilling holes in fences to see TITS. Call 4-2309.
EMPLOYMENT
Big Ed's BBQ Shack is looking for a part-time waitress. Someone who doesn't nose around and ask a lot of difficult questions. Call Lankville Rougher Area, 5-2100.
EMPLOYMENT
Nuts, Ah! is looking for an experienced nut-handler. Experience with bagging nuts also important. If you break the nut sack, the nuts will drop onto the floor. Come in person for application to Twin Removed Pines Mall. NO CALLS.
FOX FOR PARTIES
Hire the Poetry Fox for Your Child's Next Party. Reasonable rates. Writes poems, dances, will not stand for any shenanigans. Call South Lankville 2009.
The funny stories of Dick Oakes, Jr. have thrilled millions. Look for them today in The Lankville Daily News!
GELSINGER’S ALLURE CLUB
Topless, bottomless wonderland. Mysterious back rooms. Carpeted entirely in astroturf. NO CALLS.
GREBOV BROTHERS TELESCOPE COMPANY
The Grebov Brothers are Lankville's finest purveyor of telescopes for astronomy enthusiasts. Substantial 4.5" apertures and fast f/4 focal ratios provide bright, detailed views of solar system targets like the Moon and planets, as well as wide-field celestial objects like nebulas and star clusters but also TITS.
GUMP PENETRATES
Only in The Lankville Daily News
HADBAWNIK HAUNTED STAIRCASE COMPANY
The Hadbawnik Company is Lankville's #1 installer of haunted, brush-littered staircases. Friendly non-foreign staff! Call Western (Outer) Lankville, 2154 or 2198 today.
HADBAWNIK HAUNTED BRUSH PILES!
The Hadbawnik Haunted Staircase Company is now offering haunted brush piles for use on your staircase. Create eerie, supernal ambiance. Allow the brush to blow haphazardly in the wind, creates fear, foreboding. Call our friendly staff of white people at Western Lankville, 2154. Brush piles may contain other forms of yard debris.
HEY! WANT A MONKEY?
Hey! Want a live little monkey? They do cute things like climb into pumpkins. Call "The Captain"- Central Lankville Hills, 5264.
HOME DUMP Your Neighborhood Hardware Store 16 Lankville Locations!
Weekly Special: Primitive Forged Hooks. Buy 4, Get a Can of Paint. Or Maybe Not. You'll Just Have to Find Out.
INFLAMED BY STARS AND BLOOD
Lankville's Premier Science Fiction and Horror Magazine Now Appearing in The Lankville Daily News!
JOHNNY PADRES, OPTICIAN
Lankville has been relying on Dr. Johnny Padres for their optical needs since 1973. We offer a full service family eye care center and provide examinations for glasses and contacts and have a large display of designer, traditional and innovative eyewear for both regular prescription eyeglasses and sunglasses all of which will enable you to see TITS better. Call Lankville Business 2618-2.
LIFE LESSONS FUNERAL HOME
Life Lessons Funeral Home has been helping Lankville with dead people since 1932. Contact Eddie or Stummins, Lankville Business, 5-2161.
LOOK AT THESE BEAUTIES!
Really some of our best ever! Have you ever seen anything like it? Call Kelly (male) at Lankville Sound 2615.
MISSING
Missing: adult penguin. Christ, I just let him out in the yard for one minute and now he's gone. Responds to the name "Richard". Call Lankville Eastern Outlands, 5-6213.
NOW PLAYING!
The Unhinged: A New Film by Tom "Vapor" Rayford. Crisp Street Cinema, Eastern Lankville
PINEAPPLE CITY: A New Way of Being
Pineapple City is a new way of being, feeling and having your shirt off. Located in the distant, barren Lankville Pines, Pineapple City is now accepting applications for sheds. Call PINES, 2-5771.
THE PUZZLER
In the pie chart above, what segment represents a certain specific strata of the general population?
REAL ESTATE
Little shed for sale. With door, mailbox, dirt plot. Site of multiple murders but don't worry, they happened around back. To inquire, come to the shed. Go around back.
REAL ESTATE
Four acre lot in Eastern Lankville Cove Area. Price reduced! Site of a fireworks display in which several people fell out of their lawnchairs and died. Locals believe it haunted but that's crap. Call Cove 2751.
THE RECKONER EXACTRA 2.0 : A Danny Madison Product
It's Your Time: CALCULATE
SARAH SAMWAYS: CONTRIBUTING FEMALE
Exclusively in the Lankville Daily News (and some other papers).
SPEAKING ENGAGEMENT
Robin Brox will sit around and get progressively more intoxicated while listening to this other broad natter on about something. LANKVILLE REGIONAL AUDITORIUM, August 4, 11PM.
SPEAKING ENGAGEMENT CANCELED
The Dr. M. Chambers speech and candy-making event has been canceled again following Dr. Chambers' sudden collapse into some baskets. New date TBA
TRAVEL TIPS by Randy Hammers
The Kum Back Inn in the Lankville Desert Area has long been serving road-weary travelers. They feature a restaurant (with cocktails) and two spacious conference rooms. The Kum Back boasts 65 units-- each including window dressing, some chairs and a larger chair (seats two smallish children), a bed with orange comforter, a plastic trash can, clever paintings, and a windowless door. TV also available in 17 (sometimes 19) rooms. Most of the rooms are air-conditioned. Oscillating fans available upon request. Illuminated carports will protect your vehicle from the vicious sudden dust storms that often overtake the Desert Area and the wild thieves that occasionally parade across the landscape like some unmentionable horror. Call now at TU-0780 and ask for Bud or Karen (married).
UTILITY YARD SHEDS
The Lowinger Brothers offer great utility yard sheds at low prices. This one is haunted. Call Lankville Port Area 1072.
VACATION PACKAGES!
Spectacular vacations in campers by little mountains. Your cares will melt away but you will have to be careful of that shack (pictured). A lunatic lives there. Call Mercantile District 2711.
WRESTLING TONIGHT!
8PM, Southern Lankville Man-Arena. Featuring Ric "Wild Boy" Tipps (green trunks).
ZACH KEEBAUGH INVESTIGATIONS
Only in The Lankville Daily News
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LETTER SACK