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Vitiello to Distribute Irregular Decorative Hams to Needy
By Brock Belvedere, Jr.
Senior Staff Writer
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24-Piece Men GM and ornamental meat magnate Chris Vitiello announced today that he will distribute several thousand irregular decorative hams to needy families.
“It came to my attention that there are a number of island-type people without decorative hams in their homes,” said the executive, who, for reasons unclear, was carefully examining a dessicated gourd. “I grew up poor, always wanting and so I understand their plight.”
Vitiello will supervise the distribution process and has already targeted specific homes in the Lankville Eastern End and the Northern Hole Area.
“These are two of the filthiest, most degenerate places in all of Lankville and therefore the most needy,” said Vitiello.
Area organizers, however, are already questioning Vitiello’s offer.
“People need real hams,” said Quentz Lister, who helps run a “Soups Kitchen”. “I’m not sure of the value of fake ones.”
Lister was immediately beheaded.
The distribution will begin later in the month.
Musings of a Decorative Ham Man by Chris Vitiello
By Chris Vitiello
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During certain times of the year, our concern offers a stunning decorative ham that appears already sliced. I will place this ham for you on your table or near to your sofa, lounge chair or futon, if that is how you choose to live your life. A white plate is placed beneath the flawless slices– I advise on two or perhaps three slices at most. We then will provide a quart of “Vitiello’s Special Lustrous Juices Supplement” (extra charge) to enhance the effect.
And people will say, “my goodness, look at that freshly-sliced ham.”
And you will say, “indeed, yes.” And then it will be your chore to divert their attention away from the ham– it being entirely decorative, of course.
Musings of a Decorative Ham Man by Chris Vitiello
By Chris Vitiello
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There is so much to a Vitiello Decorative Ham. When it arrives at your door, you will receive a little card, inserted into a delicate golden envelope. Removing the card, which is printed on only the finest papers, you will find that each ham has been named. At the bottom of the card, you will discover a “seal” which forever binds you legally to the ham. There needs to be accountability.
I was once asked to host an award show for decorative meats. But then it was decided that I could not host, as I would likely be the winner. Coffee was served and fragile, graceful women moved about the tables which were covered in finespun gauze. There was no place for me to hide my whip– I wrapped it around my neck as a challenge to the men. And the men backed down.
I was awarded a prize and as I was leaving the ceremony, one of the fragile, graceful women called my name in a coquettish fashion. I whipped her mercilessly. I would not allow the tyranny of her sex to crush me.
Later, I went home and wrapped myself in overly hot towels, head to toe. I collapsed out of sheer exhaustion into bed. I thought of my award as a sort of bad dream.
The next morning I took one of my decorative hams and cracked it open. Stale air was released.
That was the last time I hurt them.
Musings of a Decorative Ham Man
By Chris Vitiello
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On Thursdays, the ships bring in the giant containers of decorative hams. They are loaded onto flatbed trucks, driven east and they arrive in great stacks at my factory. I supervise what comes next.
The workers, lurking in halls, suddenly descend upon the great receptacles. Upon occasion, it is necessary for me to whip them but they have grown used to the process and even developed a certain modicum of efficiency. I watch them unload the decorative hams into smaller containers.
I use the word container but really, for me, these are decorative ham reliquaries. It is a shame that they are made of cold, poorly-painted steel. They should be bejeweled.
Next, the decorative hams are rolled on carts towards the patented Vitiello Conveyor Cinctures. They are further decorated as they move slowly by a series of skilled craftsmen in aprons. And finally each decorative ham is paraded past my office window. Decorative hams not worthy of the Vitiello name are burned in secret indoor pits.
I come from nothing. Out of the mountains of West Lankville– my father was a violent drunk. He came home to the trailer every night with a different woman. “Here’s your new mama,” he would scream, pushing the harlot onto the sofa next to me. Even then, I made little decorative hams out of paper. I had a dream.
Musings of a Decorative Ham Man By Chris Vitiello
The Greater Lankville Presenter of Certain Types of News is pleased to present a new series by 24-Piece Men GM and decorative ham magnate Chris Vitiello.
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One morning, after a pleasant fall of snow, I sent a letter to someone with whom I had decorative ham business (he was buying 10 hams for his daughter’s room). In my letter, I failed to mention the snow. The reply was amusing: “Do you suppose that I shall take any notice of what someone says who is so perverse that he writes a letter without a word of inquiry as to how I am enjoying the snow? I am disappointed in you.”
The author of that letter is now dead (he was mauled by cubs) but even after all these years, that trivial incident sticks hardily in my mind.
On the Decorative Ham by Chris Vitiello: AN OPINION PIECE
By Chris Vitiello
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It need not be a holiday or even a special occasion to place a decorative ham. Nor is the placement of a decorative ham limited to one room of your home. I even stress the outdoors during my professional placements. I have placed decorative hams on porch gliders, in hammocks, in trees and on fences. The possibilities are limitless.
Imagine, if you will, a home without a decorative ham. You can’t, can you? That is because my decorative hams have become so ubiquitous that they are mere second nature to even the most casual observer. Even the blind are aware of the decorative ham. I often encourage the blind to take both their hands and grope the decorative ham. I also do the same in schools.
It is fashionable at this time of year to place decorative hams in windows, particularly windows with high visibility to the street. Depending on your home decor, I will sometimes place a laurel wreath or a series of ribbons around the decorative ham. At other times, we elect to go with candor– the decorative ham is placed naked in the window– perhaps not even set properly. It can be quite startling.
My consultations are free. I will come to your home.
The opinions of Mr. Vitiello are not necessarily the opinions of the Lankville Post-Dispatch Intelligencer News of Some of the Nations.
Musings of a Decorative Ham Man by Chris Vitiello
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For the final hour of our negotiations with the Players Union, I sat quietly in a corner with my whip extended.
I cannot describe the self-control that was required. I simply wanted to rise, soundlessly move across the carpet and thrash everyone mercilessly.
But I abstained.
In the decorative ham world, there is no room for negotiation. We do not sit around tables in windowless rooms. We do not order large trays of colored bagels. There are no soup tureens with little cans of fire beneath. There is no ice.
My first partner once attempted to give me a birthday party. I was asked to cut the cake. I took the knife and with absolutely no expression on my face, quartered it perfectly, sliding each section across the table and into a trashcan. The icing left a long smear upon the surface. Then I turned over the cardboard bottom and then the table. “I HAVE SPOKEN,” I said, dramatically. Everyone knew after that.
I took the rest of that day off and went to a mall. I entered a men’s store, elbowing several people out of the way, still maintaining that cold, expressionless visage. “You will sell me two suits, both as black as night,” I told the clerk. “I will NOT be measured.” The clerk eyed my form fearfully. “Socks?” he asked. I thought about this. “Yes, you will sell me two pairs. Black. Black as the bottom of the grave.”
“And the beneath-pants,” he said, his voice quivering. “We have…white soft cotton…they hug the nether regions. And we have longer…longer beneath-pants. Some have designs.”
“NO,” I yelled.
Twenty minutes later, I left with two suits. They have served me in the precise manner that I desired.
ACCOMMODATIONS
When staying in the Area Beyond the Outlands, pick the Murray. Friendly, creative staff, delightful beds, curtains. Phone Far Outlands 5-6712.
LANKVILLE DAILY NEWS: IN BOOK FORM!
The book is gone. It will never return. We hear stories but they are likely false. We live in the woods now. We make fire with a lighter that we found in the street. It was crushed by a truck but, somehow, perhaps through some intervention that is beyond us, it still works. We are waiting. We are waiting.
Original Pondicherry Association News promotional advertisement (2009)
TONIGHT ON TV! RICHARD AND THE POSTMAN REUNION SPECIAL!
The Hit program from the 1970's returns to Lankville TV tonight on LBC!
ADULT ADVERTISEMENT
Women all over Lankville are just sitting at mammoth computers waiting to hear from men like you! Just insert a floppy disk, write a (non-sexual) message and let the sparks fly! (Computer not included).
ADVERTISEMENT
A Vitiello Decorative Ham makes a great gift. Show that you care today.
BANDED DUFFELS ON PALLETS
Assorted colors. Whatever you want to do, man. Call Lankville Falls, 3247.
BRIAN SCHROPP IN THE LANKVILLE DAILY NEWS
The most important cuisine articles ever written.
CANDY
Jipps Co. Full Service Candy Counter! Our alert girls will push gummy drops into special paper sheaths, engage in restrained pleasantries and explain chocholate-to-nougat ratios. Call Central Lankville 3614.
CAT PHOTO
In compliance with Lankville subsection 11:16-4.
CHAMBERS CO. HAND DRILLS: When Electricity is Not an Option
When electricity is not an option consider the Chambers Company hand crank drills. Perfect for use in tight spaces, on distant islands or for drilling holes in fences to see TITS. Call 4-2309.
EMPLOYMENT
Big Ed's BBQ Shack is looking for a part-time waitress. Someone who doesn't nose around and ask a lot of difficult questions. Call Lankville Rougher Area, 5-2100.
EMPLOYMENT
Nuts, Ah! is looking for an experienced nut-handler. Experience with bagging nuts also important. If you break the nut sack, the nuts will drop onto the floor. Come in person for application to Twin Removed Pines Mall. NO CALLS.
FOX FOR PARTIES
Hire the Poetry Fox for Your Child's Next Party. Reasonable rates. Writes poems, dances, will not stand for any shenanigans. Call South Lankville 2009.
The funny stories of Dick Oakes, Jr. have thrilled millions. Look for them today in The Lankville Daily News!
GELSINGER’S ALLURE CLUB
Topless, bottomless wonderland. Mysterious back rooms. Carpeted entirely in astroturf. NO CALLS.
GREBOV BROTHERS TELESCOPE COMPANY
The Grebov Brothers are Lankville's finest purveyor of telescopes for astronomy enthusiasts. Substantial 4.5" apertures and fast f/4 focal ratios provide bright, detailed views of solar system targets like the Moon and planets, as well as wide-field celestial objects like nebulas and star clusters but also TITS.
GUMP PENETRATES
Only in The Lankville Daily News
HADBAWNIK HAUNTED STAIRCASE COMPANY
The Hadbawnik Company is Lankville's #1 installer of haunted, brush-littered staircases. Friendly non-foreign staff! Call Western (Outer) Lankville, 2154 or 2198 today.
HADBAWNIK HAUNTED BRUSH PILES!
The Hadbawnik Haunted Staircase Company is now offering haunted brush piles for use on your staircase. Create eerie, supernal ambiance. Allow the brush to blow haphazardly in the wind, creates fear, foreboding. Call our friendly staff of white people at Western Lankville, 2154. Brush piles may contain other forms of yard debris.
HEY! WANT A MONKEY?
Hey! Want a live little monkey? They do cute things like climb into pumpkins. Call "The Captain"- Central Lankville Hills, 5264.
HOME DUMP Your Neighborhood Hardware Store 16 Lankville Locations!
Weekly Special: Primitive Forged Hooks. Buy 4, Get a Can of Paint. Or Maybe Not. You'll Just Have to Find Out.
INFLAMED BY STARS AND BLOOD
Lankville's Premier Science Fiction and Horror Magazine Now Appearing in The Lankville Daily News!
JOHNNY PADRES, OPTICIAN
Lankville has been relying on Dr. Johnny Padres for their optical needs since 1973. We offer a full service family eye care center and provide examinations for glasses and contacts and have a large display of designer, traditional and innovative eyewear for both regular prescription eyeglasses and sunglasses all of which will enable you to see TITS better. Call Lankville Business 2618-2.
LIFE LESSONS FUNERAL HOME
Life Lessons Funeral Home has been helping Lankville with dead people since 1932. Contact Eddie or Stummins, Lankville Business, 5-2161.
LOOK AT THESE BEAUTIES!
Really some of our best ever! Have you ever seen anything like it? Call Kelly (male) at Lankville Sound 2615.
MISSING
Missing: adult penguin. Christ, I just let him out in the yard for one minute and now he's gone. Responds to the name "Richard". Call Lankville Eastern Outlands, 5-6213.
NOW PLAYING!
The Unhinged: A New Film by Tom "Vapor" Rayford. Crisp Street Cinema, Eastern Lankville
PINEAPPLE CITY: A New Way of Being
Pineapple City is a new way of being, feeling and having your shirt off. Located in the distant, barren Lankville Pines, Pineapple City is now accepting applications for sheds. Call PINES, 2-5771.
THE PUZZLER
In the pie chart above, what segment represents a certain specific strata of the general population?
REAL ESTATE
Little shed for sale. With door, mailbox, dirt plot. Site of multiple murders but don't worry, they happened around back. To inquire, come to the shed. Go around back.
REAL ESTATE
Four acre lot in Eastern Lankville Cove Area. Price reduced! Site of a fireworks display in which several people fell out of their lawnchairs and died. Locals believe it haunted but that's crap. Call Cove 2751.
THE RECKONER EXACTRA 2.0 : A Danny Madison Product
It's Your Time: CALCULATE
SARAH SAMWAYS: CONTRIBUTING FEMALE
Exclusively in the Lankville Daily News (and some other papers).
SPEAKING ENGAGEMENT
Robin Brox will sit around and get progressively more intoxicated while listening to this other broad natter on about something. LANKVILLE REGIONAL AUDITORIUM, August 4, 11PM.
SPEAKING ENGAGEMENT CANCELED
The Dr. M. Chambers speech and candy-making event has been canceled again following Dr. Chambers' sudden collapse into some baskets. New date TBA
TRAVEL TIPS by Randy Hammers
The Kum Back Inn in the Lankville Desert Area has long been serving road-weary travelers. They feature a restaurant (with cocktails) and two spacious conference rooms. The Kum Back boasts 65 units-- each including window dressing, some chairs and a larger chair (seats two smallish children), a bed with orange comforter, a plastic trash can, clever paintings, and a windowless door. TV also available in 17 (sometimes 19) rooms. Most of the rooms are air-conditioned. Oscillating fans available upon request. Illuminated carports will protect your vehicle from the vicious sudden dust storms that often overtake the Desert Area and the wild thieves that occasionally parade across the landscape like some unmentionable horror. Call now at TU-0780 and ask for Bud or Karen (married).
UTILITY YARD SHEDS
The Lowinger Brothers offer great utility yard sheds at low prices. This one is haunted. Call Lankville Port Area 1072.
VACATION PACKAGES!
Spectacular vacations in campers by little mountains. Your cares will melt away but you will have to be careful of that shack (pictured). A lunatic lives there. Call Mercantile District 2711.
WRESTLING TONIGHT!
8PM, Southern Lankville Man-Arena. Featuring Ric "Wild Boy" Tipps (green trunks).
ZACH KEEBAUGH INVESTIGATIONS
Only in The Lankville Daily News
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