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Feelings NOW! by Dr. Kevin Thurston
Dr. Kevin Thurston is in.
Dr. Kevin Thurston is an expert on men’s feelings.
For a long time, my column was just known as “Feelings”. That is because there was then no sense of urgency. Things have changed, however. We have progressed. We have grown. We have personally expanded. We are FEELINGS NOW!
The FEELINGS NOW! project is changing Lankville, one man at a time. Our inaugural event was last weekend, right outside of the Lankville Pyramid Area, on a semi-grassy hill next to some utility sheds. Participants feasted together, danced to the music of the “Tenderly Protectives” band, and were engaged by a “social clown” (me, in a clown outfit) who challenged men to embrace their own inner-clown. We engaged in “shadow conversations”, in which we talked to our own shadows in the second person. “Spaces of Trust” were established as well as several “Merchandise Arenas” in which participants were offered unbeatable deals.
Despite these successes, Dr. Thurston is still available for one-on-one Feelings Sessions. Understand, however, that the sessions are much more dynamic. Understand, too, that my office is much more dynamic. There is an aquarium now. The aquarium is lit from above by multi-colored, high-definition LED lights. The aquarium is full of strange squids. The shell of the ancestral squid has been lost. I will ask you to contemplate this and how it relates to manhood today. Some of the squids may be for sale for $79.99.
The FEELINGS NOW! project will be coming to a hill slightly outside of your area soon. Sign up today. Sign up NOW!
This article has been paid for by Dr. Kevin Thurston.
Feelings by Dr. Kevin Thurston: Explaining the “Me Burger”
Dr. Kevin Thurston is in.
Dr. Kevin Thurston is an expert on men’s feelings.
A client of mine recently expressed feelings of misery centered around his direction and life purpose and also in regards to his wife never having sex with him. I probed a little on this and the client reiterated that his wife found every conceivable excuse to avoid amorous contact. “Once, she found a small crack in the kitchen wall, way behind the stove and stayed up fretting over it until finally, I just gave up,” he commented.
“You are sexually-starved,” I noted. I wrote the term on a chalkboard and we stared at it for awhile. “That’s a nice chalkboard,” he said. So, I sold it to him for $29.99, including three colors of chalk.
Then, I switched directions. “You may not be able to ever get your wife to have sex with you,” I stated. It was harsh but he needed to hear that. “However, what you can do is to have a ME-BURGER.” I was going to write the term on the chalkboard but we had already taken it down and loaded it into the client’s car.
I proceeded to explain the concept of the Me-Burger.
“Make things completely about yourself. Tell your wife that you need some time to focus on “the Me”. Begin wearing smaller t-shirts on the weekends. In the evenings, curl up into a gently-rolling ball in a corner and quietly whisper me me me me me over and over again. You’ll feel the peace wash over you.”
Then, I sold him a little mat he could use for the rolling. $11.99. Good deal.
In two weeks, the client has undergone an amazing transformation. He walks around now with a confident, semi-permanent smile. While waiting for our appointment, he completely took control of my waiting area and rearranged it utilizing Eastern theories of decoration. During our session, he screamed suddenly at me three times.
All because he had a little bite of the Me-Burger.
Feelings at Christmas
By Dr. Kevin Thurston
Dr. Thurston is an expert in men’s feelings.
This is the time of year when many men visit me to discuss their feelings. “I’m overwhelmed by the obligations, I don’t know how to express my feelings, I’m very bad at wrapping gifts,” are common complaints by men during the holidays. Generally, I put my hands together in a pacific manner and say, “how do you feel about this?” We call this method the “Thurston Jump-Starter” and it generally leads to a potent and productive dialogue.
Masculinity is a continuum. A patient might have a certain amount of masculinity while he, say, hefts a bag of dirt onto his shoulders but far less while he fussily arranges tinsel around a doorway. The idea of having a gender could be interpreted as a series of life gains and losses. Also, I have a number of great items for sale right now, perfect for the holidays. Assorted monogrammed stockings, mostly towards the end of the alphabet (see if you can find your initials!), pajama bottoms, glass Santa figurines, lot of great stuff.
Dr. Thurston with a patient at a recent “Feelings Rally”.
As we lead up to the holidays, we will participate in several “Feelings Rallies”. These will occur daily at various smaller stadiums and arenas. Men from all over Lankville (and maybe the Islands) will celebrate Christmas together and also employ a framework for masculinity influenced by my earlier theoretical work (available in a series of pamphlets, $5.99 each, $29.99 for the set). Comes in a little slipcase made of hard paper.
Continue to embrace, love and buy.
Feelings by Dr. Kevin Thurston
Dr. Kevin Thurston
Dr. Thurston is an expert on men’s feelings.
I often ask many of my clients to close their eyes and visualize a slowly-moving pinwheel. “What’s on the pinwheel?” I’ll ask. The answers are quite varied– if they are of a natural variety (grass, horses, foam), I will move in one direction. If they are of a man-made variety (cabinets, posters, foam), I will move in quite another.
“Tell me about the horses,” I’ll say. “Are they ordinary?” As the client is describing the horses, I’ll prepare a small group of items to be offered for sale later in the session. If the description of the horses veers quickly into violent imagery, I will generally try to mollify the client by offering the items immediately.
“Why is your office located in this damp basement?” a client once asked. “I’d feel better if I could actually sit in a comfortable chair and look out at the wilderness.” I put aside some fake books with hidden compartments that I was going to try to sell him and pressed my hands together in a pacific manner. “Tell me about that,” I said. His face grew very red. “I’m just saying, it’d be nice if there wasn’t these opaque glass blocks to stare at.” “They are to prevent the theft of collectibles,” I noted. Although that client never returned, he did purchase the books with the hidden compartments, $19.99, good deal.
One client recently expressed the feeling that his life had become a prison. “It’s a living hell,” he said, “an endless, deep hell.” At that moment, I was checking the functionality of a used bicycle pump. I decided that the pump could be a metaphor for his condition. “Look how easily the air blows through the shaft and out this little hole,” I noted. I fingered the contraption lightly. “Why don’t we try a Thurston Breathing Exercise from our handbook?” He stood up and kicked a chair over. “These breathing exercises are horseshit,” he exclaimed. “Tell me about that,” I asked. I placed the bicycle pump on a small column intended for display. We slowly worked through his issue.
Everything is a process. The Thurston Method is complex, many items need to be purchased, but in the end I have faith that it is successful.
Feelings by Dr. Kevin Thurston
Dr. Kevin Thurston
Dr. Thurston is an expert on men’s feelings.
Stigma is shame. Stigma is silence. Silence hurts Lankville. This is the motto of Dr. Kevin Thurston’s new “Minds Astir” Group.
Minds Astir is an organization that encourages men to become more open-minded about their mental illness. Minds Astir is loosely affiliated with the larger “Rustling Minds” movement. We meet on Wednesdays in my basement office.
Steve Mitchell, Jr. participated in the Mentally-Ill Pumpkin Smash.
Men diagnosed with mental illness comprise over 95% of our population. They experience numerous daily struggles, not only with their symptoms, but also with prejudices and stereotypes that society creates. Minds Astir seeks to eliminate these societal pressures by taking mentally ill men away from the general public and keeping them in a series of apartments which we will be renting in the upcoming weeks and by offering men a series of discounted items at excellent prices.
Everyone became very confused, standing there holding pumpkins with synonyms for insanity written on them.
Minds Astir provides mentally ill men with a series of activities designed to improve their mental health. Shortly after Halloween, for example, we held a pumpkin smash to symbolize the stomping or “smashing” out of mental illness. Some of the pumpkins smashed quite easily– others would not budge. “This symbolizes the intensity and strength mental illness has on all of us,” I said. “Instead of smashing the pumpkins, let’s write words on them in magic marker,” I then suggested. I challenged the mentally ill men to call out common derisive terms for the mentally ill and then sold each patient a permanent chisel tip marker for just $2.29 (excellent deal). The men called out “crazy”, “insane”, “senseless”, “unsettled” and many other terms and we wrote each word on a pumpkin.
Frankly, we lost our way a little after that. Everyone became very confused, standing there holding pumpkins with synonyms for insanity written on them. No one knew what to do– even I didn’t know what to do. It got dark very fast, that is all I can remember.
But that is part of the process. Part of the journey. I’m not sure who cleaned up the pumpkins.
Join “Minds Astir” today.
Dr. Kevin Thurston Answers Your Questions
Dr. Kevin Thurston
Dr. Kevin Thurston is an expert on men’s feelings.
Dear Dr. Thurston,
I have trouble connecting with women. I get nervous and I vomit when they’re around. What can do I do?
Nervous and Vomity
Lankville Desert Area
Dear Nervous and Vomity,
It’s important first of all to always keep breathing. Breathe deeply and from the stomach. Continue to breathe like this whenever you’re around a woman. The second thing that is important is to always express your feelings. This can be anything from, “I don’t like these pizzas, I’m sending them back” to “When we made love, I saw a big, beautiful female moon from which I gained my energy.” As long as you’re honest and straightforward, you should never be afraid. If you are still afraid, I do have some polo shirts available– three pack for $9.99. The plastic wrap is a little torn and someone crossed out the brand name but otherwise they’re as good as new.
Dear Dr. Thurston,
Is it OK to steal mail?
(Name and address withheld)
Hello,
I have an old Islander woman/saint for whom I feel great devotion (we used to date a little) who once said to me, “It is and it isn’t, and neither is it nor is it not.” She was filled as much with wisdom as with love though, frankly, a little more wisdom than love. Take heed of these words. And if you do decide to stop stealing mail (and maybe even give some of it back), I have some plastic tubs that came without tops that would be ideal. $10 a pair.
Dear Dr. Thurston,
Is there some sort of method by which I can take one sudden leap to the mountaintop rather than the slow-ass winding journey that I’m getting really tired of and not learning anything from?
Tired of Walking
Southern Savannah Portions
Dear Tired,
You must continue on the slow, winding path. For it is a journey– a wonderful journey of exploration, learning about feelings, fear and joy. We must offer ideals but we also must suggest ways to attain these ideals. You are on the right path– do not tarry. And right now, for your journey, I have a real nice mismatched luggage set– a little dented and one of the cases used to have a bunch of police-confiscated weapons in it but otherwise it’s gorgeous. Must be seen to be appreciated, $59.99.
ACCOMMODATIONS
When staying in the Area Beyond the Outlands, pick the Murray. Friendly, creative staff, delightful beds, curtains. Phone Far Outlands 5-6712.
LANKVILLE DAILY NEWS: IN BOOK FORM!
The book is gone. It will never return. We hear stories but they are likely false. We live in the woods now. We make fire with a lighter that we found in the street. It was crushed by a truck but, somehow, perhaps through some intervention that is beyond us, it still works. We are waiting. We are waiting.
Original Pondicherry Association News promotional advertisement (2009)
TONIGHT ON TV! RICHARD AND THE POSTMAN REUNION SPECIAL!
The Hit program from the 1970's returns to Lankville TV tonight on LBC!
ADULT ADVERTISEMENT
Women all over Lankville are just sitting at mammoth computers waiting to hear from men like you! Just insert a floppy disk, write a (non-sexual) message and let the sparks fly! (Computer not included).
ADVERTISEMENT
A Vitiello Decorative Ham makes a great gift. Show that you care today.
BANDED DUFFELS ON PALLETS
Assorted colors. Whatever you want to do, man. Call Lankville Falls, 3247.
BRIAN SCHROPP IN THE LANKVILLE DAILY NEWS
The most important cuisine articles ever written.
CANDY
Jipps Co. Full Service Candy Counter! Our alert girls will push gummy drops into special paper sheaths, engage in restrained pleasantries and explain chocholate-to-nougat ratios. Call Central Lankville 3614.
CAT PHOTO
In compliance with Lankville subsection 11:16-4.
CHAMBERS CO. HAND DRILLS: When Electricity is Not an Option
When electricity is not an option consider the Chambers Company hand crank drills. Perfect for use in tight spaces, on distant islands or for drilling holes in fences to see TITS. Call 4-2309.
EMPLOYMENT
Big Ed's BBQ Shack is looking for a part-time waitress. Someone who doesn't nose around and ask a lot of difficult questions. Call Lankville Rougher Area, 5-2100.
EMPLOYMENT
Nuts, Ah! is looking for an experienced nut-handler. Experience with bagging nuts also important. If you break the nut sack, the nuts will drop onto the floor. Come in person for application to Twin Removed Pines Mall. NO CALLS.
FOX FOR PARTIES
Hire the Poetry Fox for Your Child's Next Party. Reasonable rates. Writes poems, dances, will not stand for any shenanigans. Call South Lankville 2009.
The funny stories of Dick Oakes, Jr. have thrilled millions. Look for them today in The Lankville Daily News!
GELSINGER’S ALLURE CLUB
Topless, bottomless wonderland. Mysterious back rooms. Carpeted entirely in astroturf. NO CALLS.
GREBOV BROTHERS TELESCOPE COMPANY
The Grebov Brothers are Lankville's finest purveyor of telescopes for astronomy enthusiasts. Substantial 4.5" apertures and fast f/4 focal ratios provide bright, detailed views of solar system targets like the Moon and planets, as well as wide-field celestial objects like nebulas and star clusters but also TITS.
GUMP PENETRATES
Only in The Lankville Daily News
HADBAWNIK HAUNTED STAIRCASE COMPANY
The Hadbawnik Company is Lankville's #1 installer of haunted, brush-littered staircases. Friendly non-foreign staff! Call Western (Outer) Lankville, 2154 or 2198 today.
HADBAWNIK HAUNTED BRUSH PILES!
The Hadbawnik Haunted Staircase Company is now offering haunted brush piles for use on your staircase. Create eerie, supernal ambiance. Allow the brush to blow haphazardly in the wind, creates fear, foreboding. Call our friendly staff of white people at Western Lankville, 2154. Brush piles may contain other forms of yard debris.
HEY! WANT A MONKEY?
Hey! Want a live little monkey? They do cute things like climb into pumpkins. Call "The Captain"- Central Lankville Hills, 5264.
HOME DUMP Your Neighborhood Hardware Store 16 Lankville Locations!
Weekly Special: Primitive Forged Hooks. Buy 4, Get a Can of Paint. Or Maybe Not. You'll Just Have to Find Out.
INFLAMED BY STARS AND BLOOD
Lankville's Premier Science Fiction and Horror Magazine Now Appearing in The Lankville Daily News!
JOHNNY PADRES, OPTICIAN
Lankville has been relying on Dr. Johnny Padres for their optical needs since 1973. We offer a full service family eye care center and provide examinations for glasses and contacts and have a large display of designer, traditional and innovative eyewear for both regular prescription eyeglasses and sunglasses all of which will enable you to see TITS better. Call Lankville Business 2618-2.
LIFE LESSONS FUNERAL HOME
Life Lessons Funeral Home has been helping Lankville with dead people since 1932. Contact Eddie or Stummins, Lankville Business, 5-2161.
LOOK AT THESE BEAUTIES!
Really some of our best ever! Have you ever seen anything like it? Call Kelly (male) at Lankville Sound 2615.
MISSING
Missing: adult penguin. Christ, I just let him out in the yard for one minute and now he's gone. Responds to the name "Richard". Call Lankville Eastern Outlands, 5-6213.
NOW PLAYING!
The Unhinged: A New Film by Tom "Vapor" Rayford. Crisp Street Cinema, Eastern Lankville
PINEAPPLE CITY: A New Way of Being
Pineapple City is a new way of being, feeling and having your shirt off. Located in the distant, barren Lankville Pines, Pineapple City is now accepting applications for sheds. Call PINES, 2-5771.
THE PUZZLER
In the pie chart above, what segment represents a certain specific strata of the general population?
REAL ESTATE
Little shed for sale. With door, mailbox, dirt plot. Site of multiple murders but don't worry, they happened around back. To inquire, come to the shed. Go around back.
REAL ESTATE
Four acre lot in Eastern Lankville Cove Area. Price reduced! Site of a fireworks display in which several people fell out of their lawnchairs and died. Locals believe it haunted but that's crap. Call Cove 2751.
THE RECKONER EXACTRA 2.0 : A Danny Madison Product
It's Your Time: CALCULATE
SARAH SAMWAYS: CONTRIBUTING FEMALE
Exclusively in the Lankville Daily News (and some other papers).
SPEAKING ENGAGEMENT
Robin Brox will sit around and get progressively more intoxicated while listening to this other broad natter on about something. LANKVILLE REGIONAL AUDITORIUM, August 4, 11PM.
SPEAKING ENGAGEMENT CANCELED
The Dr. M. Chambers speech and candy-making event has been canceled again following Dr. Chambers' sudden collapse into some baskets. New date TBA
TRAVEL TIPS by Randy Hammers
The Kum Back Inn in the Lankville Desert Area has long been serving road-weary travelers. They feature a restaurant (with cocktails) and two spacious conference rooms. The Kum Back boasts 65 units-- each including window dressing, some chairs and a larger chair (seats two smallish children), a bed with orange comforter, a plastic trash can, clever paintings, and a windowless door. TV also available in 17 (sometimes 19) rooms. Most of the rooms are air-conditioned. Oscillating fans available upon request. Illuminated carports will protect your vehicle from the vicious sudden dust storms that often overtake the Desert Area and the wild thieves that occasionally parade across the landscape like some unmentionable horror. Call now at TU-0780 and ask for Bud or Karen (married).
UTILITY YARD SHEDS
The Lowinger Brothers offer great utility yard sheds at low prices. This one is haunted. Call Lankville Port Area 1072.
VACATION PACKAGES!
Spectacular vacations in campers by little mountains. Your cares will melt away but you will have to be careful of that shack (pictured). A lunatic lives there. Call Mercantile District 2711.
WRESTLING TONIGHT!
8PM, Southern Lankville Man-Arena. Featuring Ric "Wild Boy" Tipps (green trunks).
ZACH KEEBAUGH INVESTIGATIONS
Only in The Lankville Daily News
The Lankville Daily News 
LETTER SACK