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The Electronics Cranny: Operation Telephone 2025

August 25, 2015 Leave a comment
By Fritz Tennis

By Fritz Tennis

The time: a day in 2025. You’re planning on spending the afternoon at a friend or lover’s house. But you’re also expecting an important telephone call. You pick up your phone, dial first a special code prefix, then your friend or lover’s number. This done, you leave the house, knowing that all calls to your number will be automatically forwarded. When you return home that evening after a fine day of comraderie or fornication, you dial another code number and incoming calls are once again routed to your own phone.

Figure One

Figure One

Impossible, you say!  A fantasy, a chimera, an impossible dream! Fuck you, Tennis, you dumb soulless electronics shit!  And yet, whatever your opinion may be, this special service and dozens of others just as advanced will soon be available to you. Already, a prototype all-electronic telephone central office is in operation in the Eastern Lankville High Wooded Area. And it’s delighting subscribers with services which make present-day systems seem as obsolete as the rotary dial on a telephone nailed to some filthy alcoholic’s kitchen wall like some sort of perverse communication Christ on the cross.

Special Services. Within a few years – as versatile all-electronic equipment replaces the present imperfect relay-switching systems – your phone will perform such tricks as these:

Special Services Control Center- the world's first all-electronic telephone central office, now serving customers in, is but a portion of overall network shown in block form below. The system was developed by Bell Telephone Laboratories.

Special Services Control Center- the world’s first all-electronic telephone central office, now serving customers in the Eastern High Lankville Wooded Area was developed by Danny Madison Industries.

THE MANIFOLD PRESENCE

You’re talking to a friend about a new hot/cold cup you’re planning to buy. But you need more information. So without either of you hanging up, you simply dial your electronics dealer’s number. A few seconds later he is connected into the manifold presence circuit, and all three of you can discuss the hot/cold cup at will. You can even continue calling additional numbers (as many as you like up to seven) and all will be connected so that everybody can talk to everyone else about hot-cold cups.

“We decided on a limitation of seven calls at once,” noted Special Services spearhead Danny Madison of Danny Madison Industries. “Our research indicates that when an eighth voice is added to a conversation of seven, all eight participants immediately turn insane.”

“We’d like to avoid such an occurrence,” Madison added.

THE EXCLUSIVE PREFIX RELAY

There are several numbers you call regularly. A word to Special Services, and each of these “regulars” is assigned a special two-number prefix. Then, instead of having to dial the usual seven-digit number (or ten-digit number for the Outlands and Desert Area) you simply dial “12” when you want your local motel, “13” for the corner drugstore, “14” for the wife of your best friend, etc., etc.

THE INCOMING SWITCHER 

You run a small business or a kiosk and don’t want to miss any incoming calls. You make the proper arrangements, and if your office line is busy when someone dials it, your home phone rings automatically. If your home phone is busy too, a third number – perhaps an answering service, perhaps some low-skilled individual you’ve assigned to wait for calls in a building with low overhead (like a shed) will ring, and so on for as many alternate numbers as you wish (up to seven).

Danny Madison.

Boy genius Danny Madison.

“The Incoming Switcher can also alert your Reckoner which will then display a green digital message on its Electronic Brain Reading Square identifying the caller and, if possible, limited personal information,” noted Madison, who paused to attach some electrodes to a pizza. “The Reckoner can also accept short messages utilizing the mini tape disks which insert into the back but which, of course, must be purchased separately. You can then play back the message by utilizing the Danny Madison portable Reckoner Speakers which plug into the side of your Reckoner and which can also be purchased separately.”

These are only a few of the scores of special services you’ll enjoy when electronics takes over completely. Hordes of electrons rushing through transistors, diodes, tubes and funnels will do the job, and they’ll do it within millionths of a second. Thus, the all-electronic system will be able to perform at least a hundred different operations, carrying out extremely complex switching operations impossible with present-day equipment.

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The Electronics Cranny: New Products!

June 30, 2015 Leave a comment
Fritz Tennis

Fritz Tennis

New Products

SHUT-OFF SWITCH from Applied Restrained Electronics, Inc.

A new switch not much bigger than a Lankville “A-Form” paper clip which automatically shuts off a tape recorder if the tape breaks, is being marketed by Applied Restrained Electronics, Inc., P.O. Box 10, Deep Lankville Savannah Suburban Area (West). The device incorporates a non-magnetic nylon housing filled with leaves, over which the tape passes. In the event of breakage, the leaves are jettisoned into the air, alerting the operator of the issue. If the operator does not respond with 15 seconds, a second “safety cache” of leaves equipped with exploding fireworks are released, thereby adding the warning dimension of sound. The main body of the switch is less than 11/2″ in length and is Electronics Cranny approved at 3 amperes, 250 V.A.C., 14 BBTS. For price details, contact the manufacturer (after 10 p.m.).

EXISTENCE from Danny Madison Industries

Danny Madison Industries is marketing a new automatic tape player which promises to be the last word in automatic tape players. “Existence” will play up to 1600 hours of unrepeated time utilizing a simple 14″ reel at 33/4 ips. “Existence will record sounds and notes that do not even exist yet, have never been heard by the human ear,” promises wunderkind inventor Danny Madison. “Although I am naturally skeptical to such hogwash, I will note that if there be a heaven, “Existence” will record it.”

Existence by Danny Madison.

Existence by Danny Madison.

Reviewers are already ogling over the machine, whose abilities are being called “unparalleled”.

“It was able to record imperceptible noises coming off my…wife,” noted contributor Neil Cuppy. “Noises that have never been heard before. My…wife…couldn’t believe it. It was almost frightening.”

Other features include: gold and silver satin anodized aluminum construction, synchronous motor, “Reckoner” compartment, fast forward and reverse, automatic release for continuous play following a power failure, speakers, “sound cages”.

“Existence” retails for $795 and, per usual for a Danny Madison product, is already sold-out in pre-order.

THE TRAUMA MICROPHONE from The Tubelabs Company

The Trauma Microphone from The Tubelabs Company.

The Trauma Microphone from The Tubelabs Company.

The Tubelabs Company of the Lankville Peninsula have designed a new low-density, junior velocity microphone for recording stories of challenges and trauma. “A lot of our tape recordings were muffled with a lot of interference, static and street noise, rendering much important information useless,” noted Detective Gee-Temple. “Myself and the Bureau of Probes requested the construction of a better microphone and we’re glad to see that the Tubelabs Company have obliged.”

The microphone was initially tested on an old woman who was struck by a vehicle at high speeds while shopping in a mall. “The car burst through a big window, ran me over, and just continued on. I dragged myself over to the food court, bought a cookie that was so hot out of the oven that just it collapsed into my mouth, and waited for help to arrive.”

The woman’s testimony was crystal clear and was deemed presentable as credible evidence in an upcoming court case.

“The part about the cookie was really, really clear. You could just taste that cookie,” Gee-Temple noted.

For more information write The Tubelabs Company, 27 Shelby-Cruz Building, Lankville Peninsula.

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The Electronics Cranny: All About Little Scanners

June 22, 2015 Leave a comment
By Fritz Tennis

By Fritz Tennis Electronics Expert

Have you ever wondered what makes little scanners so popular? Well, there’s no need to cuss. Just go somewhere else and let the people interested in the subject listen.

Now that we’ve got that out of the way, I’d like to start with a brief history. The first scanners were developed by the Keithley Corporation of Central Lankville. These early prototypes were simple devices that operated on crystals or berries and required repeated interior penetration on the part of the operator. Their frequency ranges were generally limited– usually to the owner’s front yard and therefore, unless something really great was going on in the front yard, the scanner received almost no signals whatsoever. Oftentimes, buyers would simply return the scanners complaining that they were “stupid” or “useless” or “pointless” and, yes, there was some cussing.

The first frequency-synthesized (little) scanner was developed by the Teagardens Company in 1972 but was never released due to several problems with the device (it was discovered that it caught fire and exploded easily). In 1973, founder Shearboy Teagardens was strangled during a challenge and thus ended the Teagardens Company brief flirtation with the scanner. Fortunately, in that same year, the Keithley Corporation (re-emergent as a major player in little electronics) issued their PT-647-X which, of course, became the Holy Goblet of little scanners.

Keithley PT-647-X

The Keithley PT-647-X

What made the Keithley PT-647-X ingenious was its master oscillator which enabled the listener to generate a practically infinite number of frequencies. “You could get fire stations, police centers, hospitals, kiosks, just about anything,” noted electronics collector Billy Choppy. “The capacitance of its variable-voltage capacitor was almost monstrous and you could peak the tuned circuit to just glide it in,” added Choppy, who was suddenly cussed at by his mother from the top of the stairs. “Don’t worry about her,” he assured us. “She’s not able to understand even a simple block diagram circuit paper, so that’s the kind of intellect we’re dealing with here.”

Keithley followed up their wildly-successful PT-647-X with the X-X-12, issued in 1975 which introduced, for the first time, the idea of a telescoping antenna. Unfortunately, manufacturing problems with the antenna led to many accidental lancings and the X-X-12 was quickly recalled. “It was an inferior product anyway,” said Choppy. “Because of problems with the exoskeletal engine and the little green numerical display face, you were really only able to receive signals from things like distant farms or perhaps some truck people. Indeed, it caused Keithley to go out of business again although, as we all know, they emerged later as a big player in the home numerical keypad market.”

Choppy was suddenly cussed at again by his mother and a clothes basket, filled with trash, was hurled down the stairs causing a ruckus.

Today’s scanners are mostly computerized and feature wide frequency ranges, including international and islands. The electronic sophistication of the modern scanner could hardly be dreamed of even, say, ten years ago. What does the future hold in store? It is anyone’s guess though I like to think that one day we will be able to receive funner signals and not really depressing things like announcements of murders or burials. Until then, take your pick from some of the finest little scanner technologies now available.

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