Archive
The Electronics Cranny: THE RECKONER EXACTRA 2.0
By Neil Cuppy
A powerful new electronic pocket calculator, the Reckoner Exactra 2.0, has been released by Danny Madison Industries.
The wildly popular calculator has already received over a billion pre-orders. Regular customer deliveries and specially-paid “air robot” deliveries begin today.
The new machine is designed for a broad range of calculating applications. It weighs only nine pounds (complete with rechargable nickel-cadmium battery) and fits into a large pocket. The new battery-powered unit can be likened to a “fast, extremely accurate electronic slide rule with a solid-state memory similar to those used in supercomputers,” says wunderkind designer Danny Madison.
“Of course, it has many other functions,” noted Madison, aged 13. “I don’t care for the antiquated term “calculator”. Unfortunately, the nomenclature is necessary for marketing purposes.”
The Reckoner Exactra 2.0: IT’S YOUR TIME: CALCULATE
The Reckoner Exactra 2.0 bears little resemblance to the original Reckoner whose sales now number in the billions.
“We’ve replaced the informational diskettes from the original Reckoner with built-in capacitors that are capable of collecting information automatically. In other words, you as the holder will add no information to the machine, the machine will garner information from you and your environment,” said Madison.
The inventor gave a brief demonstration.
“Note that the Reckoner Exactra 2.0 is now turned on thus automatically engaging data collection. We now turn our attention to the red light-emitting diode display which can, of course, show the usual 10-digit numerical sequences but can also furnish environmental and human geographical information.”
A brief beep was heard.
“And we see now that the Reckoner Exactra 2.0 is noting that Mr. Cuppy’s wife was murdered and that he lives alone.”
The audience clapped profusely in appreciation.
The Reckoner Exactra 2.0 comes with a sturdy travel case made of Eastern leather, foil name tags and a 379-page instruction manual. The calculator features an unusual 48-month warranty.
“It will not break down,” said Madison, who paused to plug his personal Reckoner into a pizza for reasons unclear. “It will, in fact, never break down.”
The Reckoner Exactra 2.0 currently retails for $449.99.
The Electronics Cranny: New Products!
Fritz Tennis
SHUT-OFF SWITCH from Applied Restrained Electronics, Inc.
A new switch not much bigger than a Lankville “A-Form” paper clip which automatically shuts off a tape recorder if the tape breaks, is being marketed by Applied Restrained Electronics, Inc., P.O. Box 10, Deep Lankville Savannah Suburban Area (West). The device incorporates a non-magnetic nylon housing filled with leaves, over which the tape passes. In the event of breakage, the leaves are jettisoned into the air, alerting the operator of the issue. If the operator does not respond with 15 seconds, a second “safety cache” of leaves equipped with exploding fireworks are released, thereby adding the warning dimension of sound. The main body of the switch is less than 11/2″ in length and is Electronics Cranny approved at 3 amperes, 250 V.A.C., 14 BBTS. For price details, contact the manufacturer (after 10 p.m.).
EXISTENCE from Danny Madison Industries
Danny Madison Industries is marketing a new automatic tape player which promises to be the last word in automatic tape players. “Existence” will play up to 1600 hours of unrepeated time utilizing a simple 14″ reel at 33/4 ips. “Existence will record sounds and notes that do not even exist yet, have never been heard by the human ear,” promises wunderkind inventor Danny Madison. “Although I am naturally skeptical to such hogwash, I will note that if there be a heaven, “Existence” will record it.”
Existence by Danny Madison.
Reviewers are already ogling over the machine, whose abilities are being called “unparalleled”.
“It was able to record imperceptible noises coming off my…wife,” noted contributor Neil Cuppy. “Noises that have never been heard before. My…wife…couldn’t believe it. It was almost frightening.”
Other features include: gold and silver satin anodized aluminum construction, synchronous motor, “Reckoner” compartment, fast forward and reverse, automatic release for continuous play following a power failure, speakers, “sound cages”.
“Existence” retails for $795 and, per usual for a Danny Madison product, is already sold-out in pre-order.
THE TRAUMA MICROPHONE from The Tubelabs Company
The Trauma Microphone from The Tubelabs Company.
The Tubelabs Company of the Lankville Peninsula have designed a new low-density, junior velocity microphone for recording stories of challenges and trauma. “A lot of our tape recordings were muffled with a lot of interference, static and street noise, rendering much important information useless,” noted Detective Gee-Temple. “Myself and the Bureau of Probes requested the construction of a better microphone and we’re glad to see that the Tubelabs Company have obliged.”
The microphone was initially tested on an old woman who was struck by a vehicle at high speeds while shopping in a mall. “The car burst through a big window, ran me over, and just continued on. I dragged myself over to the food court, bought a cookie that was so hot out of the oven that just it collapsed into my mouth, and waited for help to arrive.”
The woman’s testimony was crystal clear and was deemed presentable as credible evidence in an upcoming court case.
“The part about the cookie was really, really clear. You could just taste that cookie,” Gee-Temple noted.
For more information write The Tubelabs Company, 27 Shelby-Cruz Building, Lankville Peninsula.
Madison to Introduce Unspaced Phrase Prefixes
By Neil Cuppy
AN ELECTRONICS CRANNY: QUICK HIT!
12-year old inventor Danny Madison will introduce his latest creation today at an Electronics Cranny Christmas gathering in downtown Lankville.
Danny Madison, creator.
“Unspaced phrase prefixes,” said the wunderkind at a press conference yesterday. “They are a type of metastat tag allowing for faster electronic searches or “quests” as I like to call them. The unspaced phrase will have a label prefix which I’m putting finishing touches on today. Probably a smiley face or a pizza, something familiar and recognizable.”
Madison claims that the prefix will allow for the grouping of similarly tagged messages.
“Imagine a set of encyclopedias but instead of the information therein being about history, geography, anthropology– all the things that make up our existence, the set of encyclopedias would all be about, say, pizza. That is the power of these unspaced phrase prefixes.”
Madison pointed at a pizza on his workbench by means of illustrating his assertion.
The boy genius, whose handheld computational device “The Reckoner” has sold over a billion units in the past month, will be spending the holidays with his family.
“It will be a time of relaxation and candy but hopefully I’ll have time to knock out a few new inventions,” he noted.
The Electronics Cranny: Watcher of the Signals
By Neil Cuppy
Many of the Electronics Cranny’s 57 radio station towers connecting Eastern Lankville to Western Lankville stand on hills, mountains and little small mounds far away from towns. Day after day, the apparatus does its duty; no man need be there to stare at it. But when trouble threatens, an alarm system, developed especially by this author, alerts a testman (generally a big neckless man in a pantsuit) in a town perhaps hundreds of miles away.
“A bell rings,” explained Central Lankville Rural Area Testman Cloff Joffrey. Joffrey then stared at us for some time as though he felt no further explanation was necessary. Finally, at our prompting, he continued. “A bell rings and then I go see what is wrong. There’s a pattern of lights and I look at them lights and I can see what’s wrong.” Joffrey then became distracted by a lewd pamphlet and the interview was ended prematurely.
The rural testman’s explanation is not far off, however. Indeed, a pattern of lights at the tower site goes far in illuminating the problem at hand. Most commonly, the problem is a power interruption or an overheated tube. Other times, it can be a blown fuse, the sudden introduction of “The Summoning”, or a simple drop in pressure of dry air. The testman will put the system through a vigorous series of tests to return it to working condition.
Testman probes device inside a rural radio tower.
We are currently working on a remote control system, which will enable The Electronics Cranny to repair systems from afar, thereby eliminating poky, slow-witted, doltish testman such as Cloff Joffrey. “We feel that this is 3-4 years off,” noted EC President J.H. Bangley.
“It’s something that we’re constantly working on in the laboratories, something that I have a personal interest in as well.
I often find myself staying quite late into the evening, long after everyone else has gone. The reason for this, I suppose, is that my wife never has intercourse with me and so I figure, what the hell go home for? There’s also a decent enough submarine shop down the street. Makes a good ham sandwich and you have to find some comfort in life, some little pleasure, particularly when your wife never does anything at all and you can’t even find a good book to read or a program on TV. It’s a cold bed. A cold, cold bed fellows.” Bangley continued to natter on incessantly and we felt it best to terminate the interview.
Electronics Cranny Industries is hoping for a fully-automated system by the end of the decade. In addition, this new system should reduce maintenance costs and increase reliability. It will be an all-seeing “Watcher of the Signals”.
Electronic “Snappy” Mail: The Future of Correspondence
By Neil Cuppy
Last July, the Lankville Postsmasters General gave the signal that put into operation one of the most revolutionary systems of communications in the long history of the Posts Offices Department. At the signal, an ordinary letter was inserted into a machine in the Lankville capitol. Three hours later, another letter, absolutely identical to the one in the capitol, popped out of a hose that had been affixed to the side of a shed in the Lankville Grasslands.
Thousands of other letters– all official– followed at the rate of one every hour for each pair of sending and receiving machines. Since there were always four letter pairs operating in each direction, there followed a period of deep confusion and, ultimately, a vast clogging of the hose. This minor setback, however, was repaired by adding a second hose to the side of the shed. It was at this point that the long-awaited age of “Snappy Mail”– the Posts Offices Department’s name for this new service– had begun.
Simplified explanation.
Actually, the July operation was only a test. Although several governmental agencies and a sauce restaurant have transmitted via “Snappy Mail”, you can’t send letters– yet. And you probably won’t be able to for another three or four years. Why? Because a third hose will need to be added.
Nonetheless, if present plans work out, “Snappy Mail Shoppes” will be established in Lankville’s 71 largest cities. Such a system will mean same-day or next-day or the-day-after-that delivery anywhere throughout the country. The limiting factor, of course, will be the man-hours required to handle pickup and delivery and also the hoses. The actual transmission to the next city or even to the house next door will take only seconds.
So, let’s see how Snappy Mail will work.
Let’s say you live in the Woods and you want to send a letter to a relative, friend, or that friend’s wife. You’ll just write the letter on a special form (similar to the one used during the Depths War). Since the form will then be cut into threes, you will want to write only towards the top. Use heavy black lines.
The Future of Mail
Now, you’ll put the letter in a special “Snappy Mail Hamper”. These hampers will be color-coded by region– for example, if you live in The Woods, you will look for the pink one. You’ll also be able to take your letter to any one of several planned “Snappy Mail Posts Offices” (to date, the Posts Office promises as many as 200 locations!)
Next, the special “Snappy Mail Coder” will stamp your letter with the date and location. It is while being fed through the machines that the letter will be torn into threes and the lower two parts will be removed and recycled for holiday wrapping paper. Just think– the very letter that you wrote to your friend’s wife could very well end up being the paper that you wrap her secret gift in! Part of the resourceful planning of the Posts Offices Department!
Your letter will now be stacked in a special cartridge along with 400-500 others. The cartridge, like every other device in the process, is specially designed to provide secrecy. An operator will simply push a button and the Posts Offices “Cartridge Jenny” will send your letter flying across the country to its intended destination. Suction cups grasp each letter, shove it, pull on it and pound it flat so that it will slide easily and without lubricant of any kind into the automatic scanner.
As each letter slides into place, it trips a photoelectronic “Lumens Cell Circuit” which begins the scanning process. Your letter will be lightly baked and powdered and your original message will now appear in a black, soot-like substance on the paper. A facsimile beam will now sweep across your letter, very much like a beam might sweep across the screen of your TV set or across your body if you were to make an attempt to escape to the east.
And now your “Snappy Mail” letter will be delivered to your relative, friend or your friend’s wife. And only a few short hours after you sat composing the very same letter– sweating and feverish, cursing aloud, trying desperately not to include lewd comments, over your cramped bedroom desk!
The miracle of the Lankville “Snappy Mail” system– something we can all look forward to with anticipation.
LANKVILLE DAILY NEWS: IN BOOK FORM!
The book is gone. It will never return. We hear stories but they are likely false. We live in the woods now. We make fire with a lighter that we found in the street. It was crushed by a truck but, somehow, perhaps through some intervention that is beyond us, it still works. We are waiting. We are waiting.
Original Pondicherry Association News promotional advertisement (2009)
TONIGHT ON TV! RICHARD AND THE POSTMAN REUNION SPECIAL!
The Hit program from the 1970's returns to Lankville TV tonight on LBC!
ACCOMMODATIONS
When staying in the Area Beyond the Outlands, pick the Murray. Friendly, creative staff, delightful beds, curtains. Phone Far Outlands 5-6712.
ADULT ADVERTISEMENT
Use your new Intermission TV Typewriter to communicate with hot women! Women are lying around, all over Lankville, just waiting for someone to type something on their TV's. It could be you. Available at your neighborhood electronics retailer.
ADVERTISEMENT
Vitiello Decorative Hams "Fall Batch" now available. Home inspection required. Leaves considerably extra. Call East Lankville 3298 or 4151.
BANDED DUFFELS ON PALLETS
Assorted colors. Whatever you want to do, man. Call Lankville Falls, 3247.
BRIAN SCHROPP IN THE LANKVILLE DAILY NEWS
The most important cuisine articles ever written.
CANDY
Jipps Co. Full Service Candy Counter! Our alert girls will push gummy drops into special paper sheaths, engage in restrained pleasantries and explain chocholate-to-nougat ratios. Call Central Lankville 3614.
CAT PHOTO
Compliance with subsection: 16.61(2), Lankville statutes.
CHAMBERS CO. HAND DRILLS: When Electricity is Not an Option
When electricity is not an option on your next job, consider a Chambers Company hand drill. With 3/8" chuck and gun-metal finish, the steel casing of the drill is thick and sturdy for durability and will come in handy for light construction, carpentry and also for DRILLING HOLES IN FENCES TO SEE TITS
EMPLOYMENT
Big Ed's Barbeque. Waitress needed, someone who doesn't nose around and ask a lot of questions. Call Hole 9913.
EMPLOYMENT
Nuts, Ah! is looking for an experienced nut-handler. Experience with bagging nuts also important. If you break the nut sack, the nuts will drop onto the floor. Come in person for application to Twin Removed Pines Mall. NO CALLS.
FOX FOR PARTIES
Hire the Poetry Fox for Your Child's Next Party. Reasonable rates. Writes poems, dances, will not stand for any shenanigans. Call South Lankville 2009.
The funny stories of Dick Oakes, Jr. have thrilled millions. Look for them today in The Lankville Daily News!
GELSINGER’S FRENCH TOAST
Topless, bottomless wonderland. Mysterious back rooms. Carpeted entirely in astroturf. NO CALLS.
GREBOV BROTHERS TELESCOPE COMPANY
The Grebov Brothers are Lankville's finest purveyor of telescopes for astronomy enthusiasts. Substantial 4.5" apertures and fast f/4 focal ratios provide bright, detailed views of solar system targets like the Moon and planets, as well as wide-field celestial objects like nebulas and star clusters but also TITS.
GUMP PENETRATES
Only in The Lankville Daily News
HADBAWNIK HAUNTED STAIRCASE COMPANY
The Hadbawnik Company is Lankville's #1 installer of haunted, brush-littered staircases. Friendly non-foreign staff! Call Western (Outer) Lankville, 2154 or 2198 today.
HADBAWNIK HAUNTED BRUSH PILES!
The Hadbawnik Haunted Staircase Company is now offering haunted brush piles for use on your staircase. Create eerie, supernal ambiance. Allow the brush to blow haphazardly in the wind, creates fear, foreboding. Call our friendly staff of white people at Western Lankville, 2154. Brush piles may contain other forms of yard debris.
HEY! WANT A MONKEY?
Hey! Want a live little monkey? They do cute things like climb into pumpkins. Call "The Captain"- Central Lankville Hills, 5264.
HOME DUMP Your Neighborhood Hardware Store 16 Lankville Locations!
Weekly Special: Primitive Forged Hooks. Buy 4, Get a Can of Paint. Or Maybe Not. You'll Just Have to Find Out.
INFLAMED BY STARS AND BLOOD
Lankville's Premier Science Fiction and Horror Magazine Now Appearing in The Lankville Daily News!
JOHNNY PADRES, OPTICIAN
Lankville has been relying on Dr. Johnny Padres for their optical needs since 1973. We offer a full service family eye care center and provide examinations for glasses and contacts and have a large display of designer, traditional and innovative eyewear for both regular prescription eyeglasses and sunglasses all of which will enable you to see TITS better. Call Lankville Business 2618-2.
LIFE LESSONS FUNERAL HOME
Life Lessons Funeral Home has been helping Lankville with dead people since 1932. Contact Eddie or Stummins, Lankville Business, 5-2161.
LOOK AT THESE BEAUTIES!
Really some of our best ever! Have you ever seen anything like it? Call Kelly (male) at Lankville Sound 2615.
MEAT FRENZY
Call Kelly (male): 5-2614
MISSING
Missing: adult penguin. Christ, I just let him out in the yard for one minute and now he's gone. Responds to the name "Richard". Call Lankville Eastern Outlands, 5-6213.
NOW PLAYING!
The Unhinged: A New Film by Tom "Vapor" Rayford. Crisp Street Cinema, Eastern Lankville
PINEAPPLE CITY: A New Way of Being
Pineapple City is a new way of being, feeling and having your shirt off. Located in the distant, barren Lankville Pines, Pineapple City is now accepting applications for sheds. Call PINES, 2-5771.
THE PUZZLER
In the pie chart above, what segment represents a certain specific strata of the general population?
REAL ESTATE
Little shed for sale. With door, mailbox, dirt plot. Site of multiple murders but don't worry, they happened around back. To inquire, come to the shed. Go around back.
REAL ESTATE
Four acre lot in Eastern Lankville Cove Area. Price reduced! Site of a fireworks display in which several people fell out of their lawnchairs and died. Locals believe it haunted but that's crap. Call Cove 2751.
THE RECKONER EXACTRA 2.0 : A Danny Madison Product
It's Your Time: CALCULATE
SARAH SAMWAYS: CONTRIBUTING FEMALE
Exclusively in the Lankville Daily News (and some other papers).
SPEAKING ENGAGEMENT
Robin Brox will sit around and get progressively more intoxicated while listening to this other broad natter on about something. LANKVILLE REGIONAL AUDITORIUM, August 4, 11PM.
SPEAKING ENGAGEMENT CANCELED
The Dr. M. Chambers speech and candy-making event has been canceled again following Dr. Chambers' sudden collapse into some baskets. New date TBA
TRAVEL TIPS by Randy Hammers
The Kum Back Inn in the Lankville Desert Area has long been serving road-weary travelers. They feature a restaurant (with cocktails) and two spacious conference rooms. The Kum Back boasts 65 units-- each including window dressing, some chairs and a larger chair (seats two smallish children), a bed with orange comforter, a plastic trash can, clever paintings, and a windowless door. TV also available in 17 (sometimes 19) rooms. Most of the rooms are air-conditioned. Oscillating fans available upon request. Illuminated carports will protect your vehicle from the vicious sudden dust storms that often overtake the Desert Area and the wild thieves that occasionally parade across the landscape like some unmentionable horror. Call now at TU-0780 and ask for Bud or Karen (married).
UTILITY YARD SHEDS
The Lowinger Brothers offer great utility yard sheds at low prices. This one is haunted. Call Lankville Port Area 1072.
VACATION PACKAGES!
Spectacular vacations in campers by little mountains. Your cares will melt away but you will have to be careful of that shack (pictured). A lunatic lives there. Call Mercantile District 2711.
WRESTLING TONIGHT!
8PM, Southern Lankville Man-Arena. Featuring Ric "Wild Boy" Tipps (green trunks).
ZACH KEEBAUGH INVESTIGATIONS
Only in The Lankville Daily News
The Lankville Daily News 
LETTER SACK