Archive
Pondicherry Readers Speak Out
By Chip Collinsworth
Lankville Stock Exchange
You flash Pondicherry in the right circles and you’re guaranteed to get laid. It’s pretty simple.
The other night, I walked right into a place and ordered a $125 martini. A classy broad seated nearby was shocked.
“That’s $125!” she offered.
“That’s nothing to me baby. Look.” And I tossed Pondicherry on the bar.
“Oh, I see.” She started blushing and fooling around with her hair. The waitress brought the martini and I knocked it right over. Then I flicked the olive against a wall.
“A $125 martini is apeshit, baby,” I said. “How about you and I go hump the carpet off a hotel room floor?”
And it was done.
That’s pretty much all there is to it.
Royer’s Madcap Experiences: Demon Night
By Ric Royer
File photo
Before I can even begin to tell you about the Demon Night, I need to take you back to 1981.
It was in that year, some time around Thanksgiving, that I was placed in a leather fringed onesie and taken to see Dentist Spangles. There was an interminable wait in a darkened, windowless room– the only entertainment made available were several tattered copies of Jocular Sentences for Children and these I took up greedily. My father sat staring at his knees as was his habit and after some time he disappeared behind a frosted glass door and spoke testily with a receptionist.
An intercom clicked on and general announcements were made. My father had returned by then and I saw him quickly place a printed index card into his jacket pocket. I saw clearly that it said “DEMON NIGHT”. This I never forgot.
Finally, Dentist Spangles appeared. “Come back Mr. Royspacks,” he said in an accent that was vaguely foreign. “It’s Royer,” my father corrected. “I have this card. I was supposed to present it to you.” Dentist Spangles took the card and I noticed that his eyebrows suddenly rose with alarm. “This case,” he sputtered. “This case is beyond me. I’m sorry Mr. Roypacks.”
My father dropped his head, deflated. And that was it. We left the building quietly and we never returned.
Two nights ago, I was in an industrial arts class at the Home, fucking around with a pneumatic temperature-controlled glue gun and some concrete bonding agent when I suddenly noticed him. He was sitting alone behind a drill press, fingering a senseless electronic device of his own creation. It was Dentist Spangles.
He had aged terribly and had deep, dark circles beneath both eyes. It was also apparent that, at some point, he had been struck by an axe– a long scar was now visible. “Stay here,” I said to the glue gun and surreptitiously made my way across the vast, ill-lit room.
He saw me coming. And although he did not look up, he addressed me as soon as I was within earshot.
“You will have the Demon Night. I know you have not yet had it. It’s coming. Stay away from me.”
I decided to play it cool. “I don’t know what you’re talking about asshole but I see that you’re new here and I hate all new things. Let’s go fight in a distant room full of large containers of cooking materials, knocking over several shelving units as we do so.”
“I will not,” he responded after a long period of tense silence. “You must stay away from me. I cannot abide by the Demon Night.”
I hassled him for awhile longer, calling him all sorts of foul names but nothing gave. Finally, I left him alone and returned to my cell.
The Demon Night came shortly after I fell into slumber. It began with an expeditious shriek from very close by and then a sudden invasion. My few possessions were taken up in the fury and I was lifted from my bed. There were a diabolical series of lights and then the commencement of a rhythmic wail that seemed to come from all directions and yet from no direction. And this continued unabated throughout the night; there was nothing to do but succumb to it.
And when I awoke it was morning. My chair had been mangled– what remained had been placed directly against my thin mattress– just inches from my face. A card had been placed on its contorted surface. It, like the chair, was bruised and battered but its message could still be plainly discerned. And it read “DEMON NIGHT”.
I never saw Dentist Spangles again.
Vitiello Discusses His First Draft
By Lance Pepsid
Special Fashion Correspondent
File photo
LP: Tell me what you’ll be looking for tonight.
CV: Before I answer that question, I’d like to know why you Mr. Pepsid are doing this interview.
LP: I was assigned…I’m not…
CV: It was my impression Mr. Pepsid that you were a fashion correspondent only. I cannot even fathom why the Pondicherry Association News would send someone of your ilk. Clearly, you are just reading these questions off a form.
LP: Let’s move on. What players are you looking at in the early rounds? Any particular position?
CV: It has been said that one selects the correct tool Mr. Pepsid. You are the incorrect tool for this job.
LP(becoming increasingly hysterical): Well…I….can I just…what round might you select a goaltender?
CV: When one is confronted with a man brandishing the incorrect tool, one has the option to counter with an apparatus more suitable to the situation.After a long, pregnant pause, Mr. Vitiello rose quickly and began whipping Pepsid mercilessly. The interview was ended early.
Pondicherry Association to Draft Tonight
By Dick Oakes, Jr.
Senior Staff Writer
File photo
The Pondicherry Association will hold its draft for the shortened 2013 season this evening, according to a statement issued earlier today.
The event is expected to be a toned-down affair with three of the nine owners unable to attend– Ric Royer of the Terrifying Bats is still incarcerated and notorious astronaut-asshole “Nick” is still stuck in space. Fick of the Darkness club will be sending a representative.
“It’s not going to be a big deal at all,” said Small Pizzas GM “Inner Hammer” who is returning from the Teets Island Chain some time this afternoon. “I’ll probably just put a robe on, walk down to the ballroom whenever the hell I feel like it. In the past, the draft has left me a quivering heap of nerves, deep horniness and hate. Plus, I would generally gorge myself on small pizzas. But not now. Life’s too short, boys.”
Stamps owner Aaron Tucker will be making a rare visit to Lankville to attend his first draft after purchasing an expansion team during the summer. Tucker will be traveling with a coterie of Hoover Island representatives and is expected to arrive by speedboat some time this afternoon.
“It should be exciting,” said hockey enthusiast Gene Slipps. “It’s said that Tucker’s speedboat is capable of propelling itself into the air for great distances. Should be something really interesting to see rather than the stuff I usually see which is not very interesting at all.” Slipps was later killed when he accidentally fell into a pit of fire.
The Association will play an abbreviated 48-game season following a 3-month long lockout.
Vitiello to Distribute Irregular Decorative Hams to Needy
By Brock Belvedere, Jr.
Senior Staff Writer
file photo
24-Piece Men GM and ornamental meat magnate Chris Vitiello announced today that he will distribute several thousand irregular decorative hams to needy families.
“It came to my attention that there are a number of island-type people without decorative hams in their homes,” said the executive, who, for reasons unclear, was carefully examining a dessicated gourd. “I grew up poor, always wanting and so I understand their plight.”
Vitiello will supervise the distribution process and has already targeted specific homes in the Lankville Eastern End and the Northern Hole Area.
“These are two of the filthiest, most degenerate places in all of Lankville and therefore the most needy,” said Vitiello.
Area organizers, however, are already questioning Vitiello’s offer.
“People need real hams,” said Quentz Lister, who helps run a “Soups Kitchen”. “I’m not sure of the value of fake ones.”
Lister was immediately beheaded.
The distribution will begin later in the month.
ACCOMMODATIONS
When staying in the Area Beyond the Outlands, pick the Murray. Friendly, creative staff, delightful beds, curtains. Phone Far Outlands 5-6712.
LANKVILLE DAILY NEWS: IN BOOK FORM!
The book is gone. It will never return. We hear stories but they are likely false. We live in the woods now. We make fire with a lighter that we found in the street. It was crushed by a truck but, somehow, perhaps through some intervention that is beyond us, it still works. We are waiting. We are waiting.
Original Pondicherry Association News promotional advertisement (2009)
TONIGHT ON TV! RICHARD AND THE POSTMAN REUNION SPECIAL!
The Hit program from the 1970's returns to Lankville TV tonight on LBC!
ADULT ADVERTISEMENT
Women all over Lankville are just sitting at mammoth computers waiting to hear from men like you! Just insert a floppy disk, write a (non-sexual) message and let the sparks fly! (Computer not included).
ADVERTISEMENT
A Vitiello Decorative Ham makes a great gift. Show that you care today.
BANDED DUFFELS ON PALLETS
Assorted colors. Whatever you want to do, man. Call Lankville Falls, 3247.
BRIAN SCHROPP IN THE LANKVILLE DAILY NEWS
The most important cuisine articles ever written.
CANDY
Jipps Co. Full Service Candy Counter! Our alert girls will push gummy drops into special paper sheaths, engage in restrained pleasantries and explain chocholate-to-nougat ratios. Call Central Lankville 3614.
CAT PHOTO
In compliance with Lankville subsection 11:16-4.
CHAMBERS CO. HAND DRILLS: When Electricity is Not an Option
When electricity is not an option consider the Chambers Company hand crank drills. Perfect for use in tight spaces, on distant islands or for drilling holes in fences to see TITS. Call 4-2309.
EMPLOYMENT
Big Ed's BBQ Shack is looking for a part-time waitress. Someone who doesn't nose around and ask a lot of difficult questions. Call Lankville Rougher Area, 5-2100.
EMPLOYMENT
Nuts, Ah! is looking for an experienced nut-handler. Experience with bagging nuts also important. If you break the nut sack, the nuts will drop onto the floor. Come in person for application to Twin Removed Pines Mall. NO CALLS.
FOX FOR PARTIES
Hire the Poetry Fox for Your Child's Next Party. Reasonable rates. Writes poems, dances, will not stand for any shenanigans. Call South Lankville 2009.
The funny stories of Dick Oakes, Jr. have thrilled millions. Look for them today in The Lankville Daily News!
GELSINGER’S ALLURE CLUB
Topless, bottomless wonderland. Mysterious back rooms. Carpeted entirely in astroturf. NO CALLS.
GREBOV BROTHERS TELESCOPE COMPANY
The Grebov Brothers are Lankville's finest purveyor of telescopes for astronomy enthusiasts. Substantial 4.5" apertures and fast f/4 focal ratios provide bright, detailed views of solar system targets like the Moon and planets, as well as wide-field celestial objects like nebulas and star clusters but also TITS.
GUMP PENETRATES
Only in The Lankville Daily News
HADBAWNIK HAUNTED STAIRCASE COMPANY
The Hadbawnik Company is Lankville's #1 installer of haunted, brush-littered staircases. Friendly non-foreign staff! Call Western (Outer) Lankville, 2154 or 2198 today.
HADBAWNIK HAUNTED BRUSH PILES!
The Hadbawnik Haunted Staircase Company is now offering haunted brush piles for use on your staircase. Create eerie, supernal ambiance. Allow the brush to blow haphazardly in the wind, creates fear, foreboding. Call our friendly staff of white people at Western Lankville, 2154. Brush piles may contain other forms of yard debris.
HEY! WANT A MONKEY?
Hey! Want a live little monkey? They do cute things like climb into pumpkins. Call "The Captain"- Central Lankville Hills, 5264.
HOME DUMP Your Neighborhood Hardware Store 16 Lankville Locations!
Weekly Special: Primitive Forged Hooks. Buy 4, Get a Can of Paint. Or Maybe Not. You'll Just Have to Find Out.
INFLAMED BY STARS AND BLOOD
Lankville's Premier Science Fiction and Horror Magazine Now Appearing in The Lankville Daily News!
JOHNNY PADRES, OPTICIAN
Lankville has been relying on Dr. Johnny Padres for their optical needs since 1973. We offer a full service family eye care center and provide examinations for glasses and contacts and have a large display of designer, traditional and innovative eyewear for both regular prescription eyeglasses and sunglasses all of which will enable you to see TITS better. Call Lankville Business 2618-2.
LIFE LESSONS FUNERAL HOME
Life Lessons Funeral Home has been helping Lankville with dead people since 1932. Contact Eddie or Stummins, Lankville Business, 5-2161.
LOOK AT THESE BEAUTIES!
Really some of our best ever! Have you ever seen anything like it? Call Kelly (male) at Lankville Sound 2615.
MISSING
Missing: adult penguin. Christ, I just let him out in the yard for one minute and now he's gone. Responds to the name "Richard". Call Lankville Eastern Outlands, 5-6213.
NOW PLAYING!
The Unhinged: A New Film by Tom "Vapor" Rayford. Crisp Street Cinema, Eastern Lankville
PINEAPPLE CITY: A New Way of Being
Pineapple City is a new way of being, feeling and having your shirt off. Located in the distant, barren Lankville Pines, Pineapple City is now accepting applications for sheds. Call PINES, 2-5771.
THE PUZZLER
In the pie chart above, what segment represents a certain specific strata of the general population?
REAL ESTATE
Little shed for sale. With door, mailbox, dirt plot. Site of multiple murders but don't worry, they happened around back. To inquire, come to the shed. Go around back.
REAL ESTATE
Four acre lot in Eastern Lankville Cove Area. Price reduced! Site of a fireworks display in which several people fell out of their lawnchairs and died. Locals believe it haunted but that's crap. Call Cove 2751.
THE RECKONER EXACTRA 2.0 : A Danny Madison Product
It's Your Time: CALCULATE
SARAH SAMWAYS: CONTRIBUTING FEMALE
Exclusively in the Lankville Daily News (and some other papers).
SPEAKING ENGAGEMENT
Robin Brox will sit around and get progressively more intoxicated while listening to this other broad natter on about something. LANKVILLE REGIONAL AUDITORIUM, August 4, 11PM.
SPEAKING ENGAGEMENT CANCELED
The Dr. M. Chambers speech and candy-making event has been canceled again following Dr. Chambers' sudden collapse into some baskets. New date TBA
TRAVEL TIPS by Randy Hammers
The Kum Back Inn in the Lankville Desert Area has long been serving road-weary travelers. They feature a restaurant (with cocktails) and two spacious conference rooms. The Kum Back boasts 65 units-- each including window dressing, some chairs and a larger chair (seats two smallish children), a bed with orange comforter, a plastic trash can, clever paintings, and a windowless door. TV also available in 17 (sometimes 19) rooms. Most of the rooms are air-conditioned. Oscillating fans available upon request. Illuminated carports will protect your vehicle from the vicious sudden dust storms that often overtake the Desert Area and the wild thieves that occasionally parade across the landscape like some unmentionable horror. Call now at TU-0780 and ask for Bud or Karen (married).
UTILITY YARD SHEDS
The Lowinger Brothers offer great utility yard sheds at low prices. This one is haunted. Call Lankville Port Area 1072.
VACATION PACKAGES!
Spectacular vacations in campers by little mountains. Your cares will melt away but you will have to be careful of that shack (pictured). A lunatic lives there. Call Mercantile District 2711.
WRESTLING TONIGHT!
8PM, Southern Lankville Man-Arena. Featuring Ric "Wild Boy" Tipps (green trunks).
ZACH KEEBAUGH INVESTIGATIONS
Only in The Lankville Daily News
The Lankville Daily News 
LETTER SACK