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Posts Tagged ‘Mike Squatch’

New Mall to Feature Roaring Chasms of Fire

March 11, 2015 Leave a comment
Brock Belvedere

By Brock Belvedere

LANKVILLE ACTION NEWS: YES!

The newly-built Grand Southern Expansive Cement Grove Mall will feature roaring chasms of fire, sources are confirming.

“People have grown tired of those tiled pools they have in most malls where the fount kind of spurts out inconsistently like a urinating grandfather,” noted architect Mike Squatch. “And all those pennies. You wouldn’t believe the Island-Person man-hours spent picking pennies out of the bottom of fountains. It’s ridiculous.”

“We have eliminated the weak-streamed fountain, pennies and Island people all in one step,” Squatch added. “With roaring chasms of fire.”

Squatch says that Southern Expansive will feature four roaring chasms of fire, placed conveniently near staircases and elevators.

Squatch working on the fire chasms.

Squatch working on the fire chasms.

“I mean, if you want to throw a penny in one, by all means. It’s just going to get burned to hell,” Squatch noted as a giant smirk appeared across his face.

Mall Age Magazine, Lankville’s premier mall periodical, is embracing the innovation.

“There are different modes of production of fountains (i.e., fountainization) from both natural space to more complex spatialities where the fountain is socially produced,” noted Mall Age Magazine critic and editor Barry Games, who was interviewed at the edge of a copse. “What we’re seeing from Squatch is an analysis of the fountain as a three-part dialectic between everyday mall practices and perceptions, representations or theories of fountain space and then, finally, the spatial fountains of our time. It’s quite an achievement.”

Games was suddenly attacked by a lion and the interview was ended prematurely.

Southern Expansive is due to open in April.

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Rotating Restaurant Unveiled

January 14, 2015 Leave a comment
By Elliott Cumber-Lanny

By Elliott Cumber-Lanny

LANKVILLE ACTION NEWS: YES!

The visual wonders of The Gripping, a restaurant which rotates 360 degrees on a giant cast-concrete base, were revealed last night in the Lankville capital.

Architect Mike Squatch.

Architect Mike Squatch.

The restaurant, constructed of round glass nearly 500 feet in the air, was designed by noted architect Mike Squatch.

“At the push of a button, The Gripping allows for a panoramic view of the downtown area,” noted Squatch, who was the principal designer of Vitiello Decorative Hams Arena. “It is a spinning saucer which eliminates restaurant boredom and presents a series of technologically-controlled scenes.”

“I love it and so do a lot of my male friends,” Squatch added.

“It’s like a dream house except it’s a restaurant,” noted a patron who refused to be identified and later suffered a sudden mental collapse and had to be placed in a cage. “My ribs and candy plate were delicious too!”

The Gripping takes 48 minutes to revolve completely.

Some fucking fancy-pants types enjoy The Gripping.

Some fancy-pants types enjoy The Gripping.

“It’s designed to move somewhat slowly,” noted Squatch. “We experimented with having it move really fast but found that it upset people. Then, we had it move really slow, like once a month or so. That bored people. People were like- what the heck? Why should I climb all these steps and put up with that numinous menace on the 7th floor for this? So, I think we found a nice middle ground.”

Squatch admitted that the lack of elevators could pose future problems.

“We didn’t think about elevators. We were too busy getting the restaurant to revolve properly. Nevertheless, it’s a nice workout climbing up those 46 floors and I think people appreciate it.”

The Gripping is open for lunch, dinner and after-lunch. Dancing is available on the weekends.

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My Name is Mike Squatch

December 16, 2014 Leave a comment
By Mike Squatch

By Mike Squatch

Architectural Correspondent

My name is Mike Squatch. I am an architect. I designed Vitiello Decorative Hams Arena.

I have three boys. A few years back, I lost my wife in an incident that still is being investigated. A few days later, I was hanging around the bus station when I met Sally. She was a perky little blonde wearing a fine pantsuit and after several months of dating, crying and shame, we were married. Sally has three girls. Her husband hanged himself in their garage.

Here I am at work in my studio. We love Lankville.

Here I am at work in my studio. We love Lankville.

We all moved into a house of my own design in the Lankville Sun Belt. It’s a fine split-level with a grand but streamlined staircase and wall-to-wall carpeting in pale yellows and greens. At first, we hired a male maid of my choosing but Sally ultimately dismissed him in favor of an unattractive little spitfire named Miss Grubers. Miss Grubers really keeps us all in line, I’ll say that for sure.

We have many little light entertainments to tell you about. There was the time that my oldest son Kirk decided to put in privacy hedges. I encouraged this but at the same time was leery. Sure enough, the hedges did not grow at all because Kirk had not used any peat. What are you going to do? These kids! We love Lankville.

Then there was the time that Sally’s youngest daughter Vera ripped her new pants and tried to repair them herself using hog wire. What a caper! Fortunately, Miss Grubers saw her trying to go off to school with the wire piercing her thighs. Miss Grubers really keeps us in stitches, you know. We love Lankville.

Mr. Vitiello and I have a close relationship. I admit to several intentional errors during the construction of the arena. For one, there is a vacuum in parts of the upper deck. Additionally, we installed a series of heat pumps that were designed to lapse into sudden, unannounced states of vapor lock. Thus far, though, Mr. Vitiello has not whipped me. I have seen him remove the top of his gold bourbon flask (the top is decorated with a little red glass decorative ham, the color of a ruby) and I have seen him remove the whip in my presence. And I have even asked, “Are you going to whip me?” to which he merely says, “that depends”. Nothing further has happened.

I also intentionally fall asleep on the sofa in my den. Sally wakes me up though.

We are married.

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