Archive
Vitiello Will Branch Out to Decorative Loafs for Xmas Season
By Bernie Keebler
Senior Staff Writer
File photo
24-Piece Men GM and Decorative Ham magnate Chris Vitiello announced today that he will branch out to “decorative loafs” for the upcoming holiday season.
“Gives our catalogue some added dimensions,” said the executive, who was interviewed while holding a gigantic, novelty check for funds donated to pandas. “We’ll carry traditional sweetloafs but we’ll also carry meatloafs, porkloafs, chuckloafs, brevinloafs, concentrated contained loafs and many, many others.
The photograph session completed, Vitiello shoved the novelty check awkwardly into a small trash can. The trash can ultimately flipped on its side.
“It will be very easy to order the decorative loafs. It’s a new process we’ve come up with.”
A long, pregnant pause ensued.
“It’s called downloafing.”
Several reporters began vomiting and the rest were whipped mercilessly by an angry Vitiello.
An Interview with Dr. Pondicherry
Nient Boffo, Jr. recently sat down with deposed commissioner Dr. Albert C. Pondicherry, Jr. at the Brox Uncolored Condiment Factory in Western Lankville.
NB: Tell us about your new job with the Condiments.
AP: I have this tight onesie as you can see and this beekeeping hat. I’ve been assigned to prance around the factory floor at specific times.
NB: How does one prance?
AP: I’m glad you asked that. See, I didn’t know myself and so Robin Brox was kind enough to bring in some experts and they had me trained in a few days.
NB: And the beekeeping hat?
AP: Protection against projectiles. These boys on the floor, they’ll throw anything. Tomatoes, cans of corn, wagons.
NB: And what is the point of all this beyond humiliating you, of course?
AP: I don’t view it that way. It’s about Lankvillian morale– it’s about our long tradition of…
[Dr. Pondicherry was suddenly smashed in the back of the head by a crystal serving set. The interview had to be ended prematurely].
Vitiello Changes Club Name to “24-Piece Men”
Salty Cubbes
Sedentary Reporter
file photo
The Dead Puck Era have changed their club name to “The 24-Piece Men”, it was announced early this morning. The move is effective today and marks the 10th name change this season.
GM Chris Vitiello, who appeared at a poorly-attended 5AM “fun mixer” at a downtown hotel, took a moment to explain the decision.
“This [change] is based on a great number of things,” the executive noted, after closely scrutinizing a group of loudly-talking patrons, his seemingly bloodless hand clenching his ever-present braided whip. “For one, it is a reminder to me of excess and of sloth. You see, I was once very fat.”
Vitiello momentarily broke down and then suddenly whipped at the air, his eyes darting about the room. After calming down, the GM continued:
“I once was very fat and I ordered a 24-piece chicken every day from a greasy, disgusting fast food counter run by Island people. They used to say, “Here comes the 24-piece man!” and it got to be where I put on a show for them. I’d loudly and fatly prance about the store proclaiming myself the 24-piece man. I even bought myself a gold crown with the words “24-piece man” engraved on the front. I wore it everywhere.”
“And then I had an epiphany. I was lying in bed, having just gorged myself yet again and I happened to glance at a mirror and saw myself there with the crown and the spent chicken bones. And I said to myself, in a voice that was not my own, I am a Demon.”
“And I saw fire then. And I immediately returned to the chicken counter and whipped everyone there furiously. The counter closed shortly thereafter.”
Vitiello seemed relieved at his confession and spent the next 20 minutes engaged in amiable conversation, making lighthearted jokes and overturning a few tables for fun.
“I should whip everyone here,” he laughed, a brilliant smile flashing across his face. “I should whip you all ruthlessly until blood fills the room but I won’t. It’s a fun mixer, you came to have fun.”
“But I should whip everyone. Everyone here,” he added, suddenly with purpose.
Unearthed Pondicherry Poem Captures Imagination of League
By Buffon Miravaux
Special Hills Reporter
file photo
The recently unearthed Pondicherry Poem, first published on Sunday in the Lankville Semi-Annual Poetry Newsletter (Small Edition), has captured the imagination of the league according to multiple sources.
“I have spent a lot of time with it,” said Oversions owner J.M. Barlow, from his spacious downtown suite. “It’s changed my outlook, my worldview in many ways. For example, I wore a T-shirt to work today.”
“It has caused us to reflect, of course,” added Terrifying Bat owner Ric Royer, who was directing the moving of furniture into his new mall house. “This Pondscherriers [sic] has perhaps been undervalued as a human being. If this poem is any indication, he seems to be a man capable of ejaculating great pulchritude.”
Royer suddenly removed his shirt and sobbed with such force that he later choked and had to be taken to the hospital. His condition is unknown.
Calls to Dr. Pondicherry have gone unanswered. “He doesn’t have a phone,” said Pondicherry’s current employer and GM Robin Brox. “He doesn’t have anything except a onesie uniform that we force him to wear. He prances around in the onesie and a beekeeping hat on the factory floor. We find that it keeps up morale. That’s basically the gist of his current job.”
Scholars have begun debating the merits of the Pondicherry poem and a reading of the work is scheduled for this evening at a nearby basement.
Vitiello Seeks to Alter Public Image
By Enceladus Sheets
Senior Staff Writer
File photo
Dead Puck Era GM Chris Vitiello announced today that he is seeking to alter his public image.
“People think of me as a sort of maniac that will suddenly begin whipping people mercilessly for no apparent reason,” said Vitiello, who purchased his expansion franchise over the summer. “And while this is entirely true, I don’t think that the press has shown that I can also be a selfless, generous individual capable of love.”
Vitiello admitted that he “got off on the wrong foot” when, during his first press conference, he whipped a reporter near to death. “I realize how that act gave me a reputation as a whipper, which, of course, I am but I think the press failed to paint my good side as well.”
“And by the press,” Vitiello said, a look of great purpose crossing his face, “I mean YOU, Mr. Sheets.”
Vitiello began whipping Sheets mercilessly.
BREAKING: Grainy Photographs of “Nick” and Fat Guy Received
By Brock Belvedere, Jr.
Senior Staff Writer
File photo
A satellite transmission was received today by Goddards Famous Astronaut House which appears to depict 17s GM and alleged “astronaut” Nick along with a fat person. The location of the lost liar and the fat person are currently unknown.
“Nick is alive,” said Goddards spokesman Gherry Ivy during a somber press conference held this afternoon. “It seems that our space robot has taken some photographs from some distant planet and the satellite has done its job in bringing those photographs back to earth. We threw them away immediately, of course, but there is still no denying the facts. Nick is alive.”
“And there’s some fat guy with him,” Ivy added.
“Nick” has been missing in space since May.
“There were a whole number of humorous scenarios that we had cooked up in regards to his demise,” noted Ivy. “I thought it would be great if two asteroids, like a couple of giant space tits, came along and just crushed him. I really had hoped for that.”
“Now, of course, we’ll probably start receiving more and more information. Eventually, it will be hard to just throw it away. Someone eventually will demand an investigation.”
The 17’s placed 1st in the Association last season.
Foodstamps’ Tucker Defends Hoover Island Nudity
By Dick Oakes, Jr.
Senior Staff Writer
File photo
Some conservative hockey fans are not happy with the strange reports from expansion franchise Aaron Tucker’s Hoover Island. And they’re voicing their opinions.
“He’s weird,” said old and simple Lankville resident Georgia Huffs. “All those people running around in the buff. Men and women. You never saw anything like that back when I was young. People were nice. I don’t know what’s happened.”
“We don’t approve of his lifestyle,” added hockey fan and south Lankville resident Darrell Ott. “We won’t be rooting for his club this season.”
Ott was suddenly taken up by a fervent wind. He disappeared into the clouds.
Foodstamps’ Tucker is aware of the controversy. “I don’t plan to change a thing here on Hoover Island,” he noted. “There is nothing wrong with nudity. It’s as intended. After awhile, you get used to it. You don’t even say to yourself, “Look at that bare ass. Look at that guy’s nuts, anything like that. You just go about your business.”
Tucker noted that nudity is entirely optional and that nude “centers” and “parks” are set up all over the island.
“We have special sections set up in most of our major stores for nudity. There are corrugated walls placed around them to protect innocents. That way, if you go into a store say, just for example, to purchase an unusually high number of frilly, feminine throw pillows, you can either say to yourself, “Ah, I don’t care about seeing tits today or I don’t really want to see tits while I buy these frilly, feminine throw pillows.” You have a choice. We’re all about a choice on Hoover Island. It’s true democracy.”
Tucker would not go so far as to allow nude hockey or nude fans into Hoover Island Recreational Facility (7), the island’s largest arena.
“I would guess we will not have nudity during league games. We can’t have fans from Lankville who are not used to our way of life, watching TV and saying, “Awwww, man. Look at that round ass. Look at those round honkers and that round ass combination.” It would not be becoming of our lifestyle and an insult to our people. I can’t see anyway we could televise our games while keeping the pert titties and low-hanging balls off the screen. It’s just impractical.”
Tucker did concede that nudity in the concourse could be permitted.
The Pondicherry Association draft is scheduled for September 30. The Foodstamps are the second Island franchise in league history.
BREAKING: “Inner Hammer” Arrested at Water Park
By Hugh G. Pickens
Crime Beat Reporter
File photo
Small Pizzas GM “Inner Hammer” was arrested this morning at the North-Eastern Lankville Water Esplanade. The executive is currently in police custody.
“The Aquatic Managers and their designated staff have the authority to enforce all pool rules,” said water park manager Buddy Saberhagen. “Mr. Hammer was flouting this authority in an unequivocal manner and we felt that the police people had to be called.”
Police or water park officials would not release the particulars of “Inner Hammer’s” offense but witnesses commented on the apparent infractions.
“There’s a clearly printed rule that says that chairs are not permitted within six feet of the pool,” said Outer Lankville resident Tots Zizek, who brought some non-white children to the amusement facility. “This fellow [Inner Hammer] dragged a gigantic couch right up to the edge of the pool and then put up some cones to prevent anyone else from getting near it. He was clearly monopolizing a specific area of the pool and this is also clearly outlawed on the sign.”
“He was wearing a transparent swimsuit,” said another witness. “You could see his penis and his ass.”
The second witness later died when his inner tube suddenly deflated causing massive abdominal injuries.
The Small Pizzas are expected to release a statement later today.
“Profiteroles Are Not Haunted”, Says Inner Hammer
By Enceladus Sheets
Senior Staff Writer
File photo
Reacting to the latest “Royer Experience” published yesterday, Early Peoples GM “Inner Hammer” stated categorically and loudly that, “profiteroles are not haunted.” The executive then produced a number of profiteroles piled into a red wagon and invited reporters to observe the seemingly placid pastries.
“You see any ghosts? You see any god damn phantasms?” he questioned in an agitated manner. Receiving only a slight murmur in response, “Inner Hammer” then turned over the profiteroles and stomped them into the carpet which, for some reason, was sodden and fetid. He then left the room.
The press conference was ended early.
Shortly after submission of this article, several of the reporters began “fooling around” with the pile of spilled profiteroles. In the ensuing melee, Enceladus Sheets was accidentally drowned in the pastries.
Royer’s Madcap Experiences: The Haunted Profiterole
By Ric Royer
File photo
I decided to order a profiterole for dessert. The waiter brought me a copy of Profiterole Digest. The cover showed a gigantic pile of profiteroles photographed in a red wagon. “We have everything in there except for custard, chocolates, and the one that has the hose attached so you can suck out the cream.” He pressed his crotch as he said that last part but I decided to ignore it.
I went with the “Special Occasion Profiterole”. The waiter disappeared. Ten minutes later, another waiter appeared with the pastry. He went away wordlessly.
I stared at the profiterole. They had presented it well– there were little lines of chocolate all along the plate edge and a series of minced strawberries along one side. They had also placed a little off-white card and the words “pastry ball” had been written there in fine calligraphy. There was also an emergency number printed on the back.
I picked up the profiterole and ate half in one bite. It was then that I became aware of an eldritch phantasm from the borders of this world.
I dropped the profiterole. It had turned green and was covered in blood. I could taste the gore in my mouth but could not expel it. Two waiters, watching from behind a ledge and a series of hydrangea bushes, suddenly expired.
“It was a hell beast, unleashed by your indulgence,” said a voice that sounded not unlike a kindly grandfather. I fell over backwards in my chair. Next, I was being dragged by something unseen, deeply into the purlieu. There seemed to be a lot of vomit there.
The next thing I remember is the cargo train. I was packed roughly into a boxcar full of sacks of grains. There was another man there who had had a series of pastries slammed against his face. He nodded slowly.
It was then that I could finally scream.
On the Decorative Ham by Chris Vitiello: AN OPINION PIECE
By Chris Vitiello
File photo
It need not be a holiday or even a special occasion to place a decorative ham. Nor is the placement of a decorative ham limited to one room of your home. I even stress the outdoors during my professional placements. I have placed decorative hams on porch gliders, in hammocks, in trees and on fences. The possibilities are limitless.
Imagine, if you will, a home without a decorative ham. You can’t, can you? That is because my decorative hams have become so ubiquitous that they are mere second nature to even the most casual observer. Even the blind are aware of the decorative ham. I often encourage the blind to take both their hands and grope the decorative ham. I also do the same in schools.
It is fashionable at this time of year to place decorative hams in windows, particularly windows with high visibility to the street. Depending on your home decor, I will sometimes place a laurel wreath or a series of ribbons around the decorative ham. At other times, we elect to go with candor– the decorative ham is placed naked in the window– perhaps not even set properly. It can be quite startling.
My consultations are free. I will come to your home.
The opinions of Mr. Vitiello are not necessarily the opinions of the Lankville Post-Dispatch Intelligencer News of Some of the Nations.
Satellite-Robot Team May Have Located 17s Owner “Nick”
By Nient Boffo
Senior Staff Writer
File photo
A complex satellite-robot team may have located 17s owner and GM “Nick”, sources are reporting.
“The news has ruined my day,” said a spokesman from Goddards Famous Astronaut House in Lankville Capitol City. “We sent that ship [The Shuttle for Cock] out with absolutely no expectations of it coming up with anything and here we go, that shit can satellite-robot team actually finds him. We’ll just hope that the news isn’t true.”
Nick, who is oft-suspected of lying about his space exploits, disappeared shortly before his club claimed the Pondicherry Golden Platter for winning the league’s championship.
Details are murky on what the satellite-robot team has located. “I would suspect that the satellite picked up some sort of human electrical impulses,” said a supposed “expert”, located in a hovel of an office at a nearby university. “The impulses are particularly strong in the fat, so I suspect that a fat person is with him. When the satellite found these impulses, it launched the robot onto the surface of whatever planet was nearest. Only time will tell what the robot will come up with.”
The professor became suddenly transfixed by two giant orbs that were dangling above his desk. “It’s like the simplest human relationship between man and orb,” he said senselessly. This reporter knew it was time to leave.
“Nick” issued a brief, confusing dispatch two weeks ago– the only communication from the mendacious cosmonaut since May.
Royer’s Madcap Experiences: The Blue Moon Hotel, Room 2
By Ric Royer
File Photo
I pulled into the Blue Moon Hotel at dusk. It was a flat, one-story building with a separate office out front and a sign that advertised “semi-free air-conditioning”. The clerk was a miserable-looking wraith-like figure with a name tag that read “Braunschweig”. I wanted none of this Braunschweig– I wanted him gone, I wanted a jolly, effervescent young girl, erupting into womanhood. I wanted her to be a delight to the senses. I wanted happiness. Instead, I had this Braunschweig.
It was then that I conceived of Braunschweig’s termination. It was simple– I would place a middle of the night phone call. It was an emergency, a chasm had opened in the floor and swallowed me whole. “Look here, what kind of a place is this?” I would ask indignantly, “where a man goes to the bathroom and is swallowed whole?” Braunschweig would come to my rescue and would meet his fate.
I killed some time there in Room 2, thinking of my father. He had owned an ice cream kiosk that had been blown over by the wind. After that, he disappeared. I had few other memories.
By then, it was far past midnight. I placed the call. The phone rang endlessly, over and over again. I violently shoved aside the curtains and stared at the office. It was dark, even the neon sign had been turned off. The only sound was the occasional whoosh of the nearby interstate. I nearly vomited up the bagel chips and sodas I had had for dinner but recovered.
The office was unlocked. There was a strange orange glow coming from beneath a closed door in the back and there was an impenetrable forcefield; a rebus mind-puzzle that had been erected around it. There was also half a pizza with “dipping sauces” left on a counter and I devoured it hungrily.
I knew though that Braunschweig was gone. Braunschweig, the thaumaturgist. I realized that now.
And I thought of my father again. There was that time the ice cream kiosk was blown over by the wind. “Why didn’t he just put it back in place?” I thought. “Why did he give up so easily?”
And then it was morning.
In Search of Aaron Tucker: Part Two
By Dick Oakes, Jr.
Senior Staff Reporter
File photo
I’ve finally tracked down Foodstamps GM Tucker but it has required another trip back to Hoover Island. This time, Tucker charters a private plane. The ride is turbulent, primarily because the pilot keeps turning in his seat to describe, in vast detail, “the harvest”.
We approach the island. “This plane, it floats on water,” the pilot says. “Watch!” And with that, he nose-dives the craft directly into the placid bay. A canoe is sent out for me, being paddled by an ancient figure who, for some reason, is wearing a plaster-of-paris donkey head. Some older men stand along the shore. Tucker is not among them.
No one offers to take my bags and the men grunt only the most rudimentary of greetings. I am given a hand-drawn map to Tucker’s “plantation”. “You can’t miss it,” says the friendliest of the bunch. “It’s big. There’s plants. You’ll see a lot of maidens traipsing on the lawns.”
I have to walk about a half-mile and finally I come upon the estate. It is as described– lush and fertile. There is some nude T&A all about the property– they languidly rest on plush sofas, reading little hand-made pamphlets and occasionally feasting on a plate of ground chuck. I make my way to the front door.
An obese butler leads me to a “sitting room”. Tucker is there. He’s sitting. His back is to me.
“Mr. Oates,” he says, without turning around. “Welcome to Hoover Island.”
“I’ve been here before, remember?”
He dismisses the comment. No words are spoken for some time.
Finally: “We are preparing for the harvest. Would you like to see grainy, black and white images of past harvests?” Only then does he make an appearance.
He is dressed in a finely-tailored grey suit which perfectly fits his lean frame. “You noticed the beaver, no doubt,” he says unexpectedly and in a slightly affected voice. “I find it calming.” He produces a large pumpkin from somewhere and twirls it in his hands. Then he places it atop an oak desk.
“Here are past harvests,” he says. The framed photographs fill one wall. Each shows a lovely woman with titties sitting among large quantities of vegetables. I notice there is no photograph for the past year. I comment.
“It broke,” says Tucker. “I tripped on some napkins and fell into it.” I can tell he’s lying. But I just want to get onto hockey.
“Tell me about your new team,” I ask. I take out a pad.
He blinks stupidly. “What team?”
“Your hockey team.”
“I am concerned about the harvest. I cannot be bothered with this, this…shit.” He says the word as though it is his first time. He is sweating.
I begin packing up.
“Take this pumpkin,” he says. It’s gigantic, must weigh 30 pounds.
“How am I going to take this on a plane?” I ask.
“Take it. PLEASE TAKE IT. Take it back to your land and let…let people know”. He begins sobbing.
I take the next plane out of there.
Fate of 17s Still Up in the Air
By Salty Cubbes
Sedentary Reporter
File Photo
With owner and GM “Nick” still lost in space and the club having to vacate their championship from last season, many are speculating that the team will simply “give up” or “roll over” or “forget”. “We are contemplating another line of work,” said a 17s executive who refused to be identified. “The hateful dispatches of our insufferable owner ended months ago, we presume him dead and many of us are seriously considering a chain of laundromats or perhaps even a mall Chinese food establishment where real Asians will be hired and forced to wear tall paper hats.”
The executive was then attacked by a wild beast which wandered into the offices. He was torn to shreds.
“I suspect that they will give up,” said Darkness GM “Fick”, who was interviewed while shoving a cake into a storm drain. “And it will be for the best. “Nick” was the cause of a lot of hatred and murderous thoughts. I know I prayed often for this day.”
17s officials are expected to release a statement this week.
ACCOMMODATIONS
When staying in the Area Beyond the Outlands, pick the Murray. Friendly, creative staff, delightful beds, curtains. Phone Far Outlands 5-6712.
LANKVILLE DAILY NEWS: IN BOOK FORM!
The book is gone. It will never return. We hear stories but they are likely false. We live in the woods now. We make fire with a lighter that we found in the street. It was crushed by a truck but, somehow, perhaps through some intervention that is beyond us, it still works. We are waiting. We are waiting.
Original Pondicherry Association News promotional advertisement (2009)
TONIGHT ON TV! RICHARD AND THE POSTMAN REUNION SPECIAL!
The Hit program from the 1970's returns to Lankville TV tonight on LBC!
ADULT ADVERTISEMENT
Women all over Lankville are just sitting at mammoth computers waiting to hear from men like you! Just insert a floppy disk, write a (non-sexual) message and let the sparks fly! (Computer not included).
ADVERTISEMENT
A Vitiello Decorative Ham makes a great gift. Show that you care today.
BANDED DUFFELS ON PALLETS
Assorted colors. Whatever you want to do, man. Call Lankville Falls, 3247.
BRIAN SCHROPP IN THE LANKVILLE DAILY NEWS
The most important cuisine articles ever written.
CANDY
Jipps Co. Full Service Candy Counter! Our alert girls will push gummy drops into special paper sheaths, engage in restrained pleasantries and explain chocholate-to-nougat ratios. Call Central Lankville 3614.
CAT PHOTO
In compliance with Lankville subsection 11:16-4.
CHAMBERS CO. HAND DRILLS: When Electricity is Not an Option
When electricity is not an option consider the Chambers Company hand crank drills. Perfect for use in tight spaces, on distant islands or for drilling holes in fences to see TITS. Call 4-2309.
EMPLOYMENT
Big Ed's BBQ Shack is looking for a part-time waitress. Someone who doesn't nose around and ask a lot of difficult questions. Call Lankville Rougher Area, 5-2100.
EMPLOYMENT
Nuts, Ah! is looking for an experienced nut-handler. Experience with bagging nuts also important. If you break the nut sack, the nuts will drop onto the floor. Come in person for application to Twin Removed Pines Mall. NO CALLS.
FOX FOR PARTIES
Hire the Poetry Fox for Your Child's Next Party. Reasonable rates. Writes poems, dances, will not stand for any shenanigans. Call South Lankville 2009.
The funny stories of Dick Oakes, Jr. have thrilled millions. Look for them today in The Lankville Daily News!
GELSINGER’S ALLURE CLUB
Topless, bottomless wonderland. Mysterious back rooms. Carpeted entirely in astroturf. NO CALLS.
GREBOV BROTHERS TELESCOPE COMPANY
The Grebov Brothers are Lankville's finest purveyor of telescopes for astronomy enthusiasts. Substantial 4.5" apertures and fast f/4 focal ratios provide bright, detailed views of solar system targets like the Moon and planets, as well as wide-field celestial objects like nebulas and star clusters but also TITS.
GUMP PENETRATES
Only in The Lankville Daily News
HADBAWNIK HAUNTED STAIRCASE COMPANY
The Hadbawnik Company is Lankville's #1 installer of haunted, brush-littered staircases. Friendly non-foreign staff! Call Western (Outer) Lankville, 2154 or 2198 today.
HADBAWNIK HAUNTED BRUSH PILES!
The Hadbawnik Haunted Staircase Company is now offering haunted brush piles for use on your staircase. Create eerie, supernal ambiance. Allow the brush to blow haphazardly in the wind, creates fear, foreboding. Call our friendly staff of white people at Western Lankville, 2154. Brush piles may contain other forms of yard debris.
HEY! WANT A MONKEY?
Hey! Want a live little monkey? They do cute things like climb into pumpkins. Call "The Captain"- Central Lankville Hills, 5264.
HOME DUMP Your Neighborhood Hardware Store 16 Lankville Locations!
Weekly Special: Primitive Forged Hooks. Buy 4, Get a Can of Paint. Or Maybe Not. You'll Just Have to Find Out.
INFLAMED BY STARS AND BLOOD
Lankville's Premier Science Fiction and Horror Magazine Now Appearing in The Lankville Daily News!
JOHNNY PADRES, OPTICIAN
Lankville has been relying on Dr. Johnny Padres for their optical needs since 1973. We offer a full service family eye care center and provide examinations for glasses and contacts and have a large display of designer, traditional and innovative eyewear for both regular prescription eyeglasses and sunglasses all of which will enable you to see TITS better. Call Lankville Business 2618-2.
LIFE LESSONS FUNERAL HOME
Life Lessons Funeral Home has been helping Lankville with dead people since 1932. Contact Eddie or Stummins, Lankville Business, 5-2161.
LOOK AT THESE BEAUTIES!
Really some of our best ever! Have you ever seen anything like it? Call Kelly (male) at Lankville Sound 2615.
MISSING
Missing: adult penguin. Christ, I just let him out in the yard for one minute and now he's gone. Responds to the name "Richard". Call Lankville Eastern Outlands, 5-6213.
NOW PLAYING!
The Unhinged: A New Film by Tom "Vapor" Rayford. Crisp Street Cinema, Eastern Lankville
PINEAPPLE CITY: A New Way of Being
Pineapple City is a new way of being, feeling and having your shirt off. Located in the distant, barren Lankville Pines, Pineapple City is now accepting applications for sheds. Call PINES, 2-5771.
THE PUZZLER
In the pie chart above, what segment represents a certain specific strata of the general population?
REAL ESTATE
Little shed for sale. With door, mailbox, dirt plot. Site of multiple murders but don't worry, they happened around back. To inquire, come to the shed. Go around back.
REAL ESTATE
Four acre lot in Eastern Lankville Cove Area. Price reduced! Site of a fireworks display in which several people fell out of their lawnchairs and died. Locals believe it haunted but that's crap. Call Cove 2751.
THE RECKONER EXACTRA 2.0 : A Danny Madison Product
It's Your Time: CALCULATE
SARAH SAMWAYS: CONTRIBUTING FEMALE
Exclusively in the Lankville Daily News (and some other papers).
SPEAKING ENGAGEMENT
Robin Brox will sit around and get progressively more intoxicated while listening to this other broad natter on about something. LANKVILLE REGIONAL AUDITORIUM, August 4, 11PM.
SPEAKING ENGAGEMENT CANCELED
The Dr. M. Chambers speech and candy-making event has been canceled again following Dr. Chambers' sudden collapse into some baskets. New date TBA
TRAVEL TIPS by Randy Hammers
The Kum Back Inn in the Lankville Desert Area has long been serving road-weary travelers. They feature a restaurant (with cocktails) and two spacious conference rooms. The Kum Back boasts 65 units-- each including window dressing, some chairs and a larger chair (seats two smallish children), a bed with orange comforter, a plastic trash can, clever paintings, and a windowless door. TV also available in 17 (sometimes 19) rooms. Most of the rooms are air-conditioned. Oscillating fans available upon request. Illuminated carports will protect your vehicle from the vicious sudden dust storms that often overtake the Desert Area and the wild thieves that occasionally parade across the landscape like some unmentionable horror. Call now at TU-0780 and ask for Bud or Karen (married).
UTILITY YARD SHEDS
The Lowinger Brothers offer great utility yard sheds at low prices. This one is haunted. Call Lankville Port Area 1072.
VACATION PACKAGES!
Spectacular vacations in campers by little mountains. Your cares will melt away but you will have to be careful of that shack (pictured). A lunatic lives there. Call Mercantile District 2711.
WRESTLING TONIGHT!
8PM, Southern Lankville Man-Arena. Featuring Ric "Wild Boy" Tipps (green trunks).
ZACH KEEBAUGH INVESTIGATIONS
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LETTER SACK