Archive for the ‘Lankville Society Scoop’ Category

If You Want to Make This Gal Happy, Give Me a Photo of a Dog Emerging From a Yarn Basket

January 17, 2014 Leave a comment

BY IDA RUMPUS The Lankville Society Scoop

Typical dog in yarn basket photograph.

Typical dog emerging from a yarn basket photograph.

File photo

If you want to make this gal happy, there is one thing you can do.  Give me a photo of a dog emerging from a yarn basket.  No matter how down in the dumpers [sic] I am, a dog emerging from a yarn basket makes me crack a smile every time.  Particularly if the yarn is just spilling out on account of the displacement that occurs when the dog enters the basket and then some extra spilling that occurs when the dog emerges.  It’s just so cute, it really is.

Most of the time, dogs don’t emerge from yarn baskets.  Most of the time, when I open my yarn basket, I am simply greeted by yarn.  Oftentimes, my boyfriend Glenn says, “You’re into that yarn basket again?  Christ, it’s always in and out of that yarn basket.” But I know that even Glenn would find it adorable if a dog emerged from the basket.  Even better, if upon opening the basket, the dog was revealed to be inside.  I think that might be the cutest thing of all.

Anyway, if you’re ever on vacation, don’t send a postcard of a lake or a motel or some woods.  Just send me a postcard depicting a dog emerging from a yarn basket.  That makes me happiest of all.

An Interview with “Inner Hammer”

July 18, 2013 Leave a comment

BY IDA RUMPUS The Lankville Society Scoop

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Ida Rumpus sat down with Small Pizzas GM “Inner Hammer” outside his hotel suite in the Teets Island Chain.

IR:   You’ve not been very visible lately.  Trying to stay out of the limelight?
IH(squeezing a wet washcloth slowly over his head):  Much has happened.
IR:   Anything you’d like to tell The Lankville Society…

(Inner Hammer suddenly stood up and expelled an erratically moving torrent of urine in the direction of the ocean)

IH: What I have to tell would serve nothing but to foster a spiritual brain-tangling in the minds of your disenfranchised readers.
IR: I sense a great change has come over you.
IH: Yes. An exalted, almost astral change. However, I would still like to fix your bare ass in an unoccupied vertical position in space and torque it like a jenny.
IR: The hotelkeeper claims that you spend great periods of time in the jungle. Tell us about that.
IH: When you traverse the byways of your little life– going in and out of little shops and into your little office, do you ever come upon a vast, limitless jungle?
IR: No.
IH: There is your answer. (Inner Hammer suddenly stood up and expelled a second, more vicious stream of urine into the sand).
IR: Thank you.
IH: This heat. This heat precludes fleshly gratitude.

The interview suddenly collapsed.

Catching Up with Inner Hammer

March 29, 2013 Leave a comment

BY IDA RUMPUS The Lankville Society Scoop

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Ida Rumpus recently had the chance to sit down with Small Pizzas GM Inner Hammer outside of his hotel in the Teets Island Chain.

IH:   Hiya, angel tits.  Good to see you again?  What you got for “The Hammer”?
IR:   Just a few questions…
IH:   Aw, let’s skip the chatter, baby. How ’bout we make a two-backed beast?
IR:   I…I wanted to ask about…
IH:   You and me, sweet humps. Let’s ratchet us up a little white baby.
IR:   I…
IH:   I’ll give you a minute to think about it, lover. I gotta’ dump a load.

The interview was ended prematurely.  

SOCIAL HAPPENINGS: “Inner Hammer” and Aunt Pam Now Engaged

January 8, 2013 Leave a comment

BY IDA RUMPUS The Lankville Society Scoop

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The engagement is announced of professional hockey owner “Inner Hammer” and Aunt Pam. The wedding is to take place in the near future.

The happy couple, who were introduced to each other in a weedy field, are arranging for a honeymoon in the Teets Island Chain.

“Aunt Pam makes me hard. Rock hard,” said the perspicacious bridegroom. “She won’t do anything besides a little necking on her craft-heavy back porch so I gotta get married so I can just go to town on that. It’s gonna’ happen folks. You put that in the society pages, baby.”

“Inner Hammer” then gently touched this reporter’s cheek. “Anyone ever tell you that you have the skin of a bunch of milky white glass beads made to cascade over a series of flat mossy rocks?” he asked.

Aunt Pam, a homemaker, expressed deep contentment at the arrangement.

“I was married before, to Uncle Glenn but he ended up hanging himself in the attic. It was strange too because he put a large panel across the stairwell so we didn’t know about it for months. A fumigator finally discovered the hidden door and was hit by a blast of the odor of death.”

“We didn’t even have to cut him down,” Aunt Pam added. “He’d been hanging there for so long that his body just got ripped from the head. It was just a head hanging there.”

Further details on the proposed upcoming will be forthcoming.

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