Archive
Pondicherry Association Season Begins Today
By Grady Kitchens
Senior Staff Writer
File photo
The shortened 2013 Pondicherry Association season will begin today with a slate of contests including the inaugural games for the expansion 24-Piece Men, the Hoover Island Stamps, and the Niner Elevens of Lankville City.
The 3PM game between the Stamps and the Oversions will mark the first Association game on Hoover Island.
“We’re completely naked and excited,” said monarch Aaron Tucker, who purchased the expansion Stamps over the summer and whose nation is primarily nudist. “There was a long party last night that has continued into the morning and I’m quite certain that the bulk of our great nation will be in attendance or in front of a television set this afternoon, perhaps with some cheesed nachos or maybe some flattened bean cakes, depending on how one views snack scenarios.”
The 24-Piece Men will host the Terrifying Bats at the newly-constructed Vitiello Decorative Hams Arena this evening at 7PM.
“We’ll be giving away free decorative hams to the first 10,000 fans through the gate,” noted owner and GM Chris Vitiello, who purchased his franchise over the summer. “The hams will be issued with lifetime contracts binding the recipient to the ham and a small section naming next of kin,” noted Vitiello, who was dressed in a slate grey suit with a new sash across his chest that was later revealed to be a cleverly-disguised braided whip. “Fans will have to fill out these contracts before they can go through the turnstiles so we are hoping there will not be a backup at the entrance. We encourage fans to come early. Otherwise, I may personally ferret them out and whip them all the way to the arena.”
“I detest putterers,” Vitiello added before disappearing into a strange, creeping gloom.
A flurry of activity has prefaced the season with the Space Assholes signing several free agents and brokering a major trade with Darkness.
“We’re operating under the assumption that [GM] Nick is dead,” noted Assholes interim GM Codge Partners. “We know that he’s not really dead, that’s he on that orange planet or whatever, but we figure that eventually the madness will overtake him and he’ll succumb to his various illusions and, you know, just die, or whatever. In the meantime, though, we are happy to acquire Daniel Sedman [sic] and to pick up some of those great little French players [sic] to augment the club.”
Darkness GM Fick, who was reached by special heath and moor telex, was especially pleased to acquire forward Alex Ovechkin.
“Alex and I have a special bond,” said Fick, who recently retired to a distant, mysterious mansion on an unidentified Lankville moor. “His new fiance is beautiful and it is my understanding that she plays net rackets [tennis]. I am delighted,” added Fick, whose tone of voice seemed to reveal no delight whatsoever. Fick then handed the telex receiver over to a loud halfwit and the interview was ended prematurely.
Four Association games are scheduled for today and two for tomorrow.
Luscious, Sensuous Heiney to Appear on Small Pizzas Jerseys
By Dick Oakes, Jr.
Senior Staff Writer
File photo
The Small Pizzas announced today that they will wear a patch depicting a luscious, sensuous heiney on the sleeves of their jerseys for the 2013 season.
“It’s an awesome heiney, boys. Got a red thong on,” noted Pizzas owner and GM “Inner Hammer”. “You look at those curves long enough and you’ll be popping off a can of corn, if you know what I’m saying.”
Several reporters became immediately confused.
When asked if he thought the patch would receive league approval, “Inner Hammer” responded, “Put a near-naked, voluptuous ass on a shirt and you got yourself a wonderland. A god damn wonderland.”
President Pondicherry is expected to issue a statement later tonight.
Royer Watches Draft From Cell Room
By Bernie Keebler
Senior Staff Writer
File photo
Terrifying Bat owner and GM Ric Royer watched last night’s draft on closed-circuit television from his cell room at the Foontz-Flonnaise Home of Abundant Senselessness. Veteran Pondicherry News reporter Bernie Keebler had the chance to sit with the eccentric executive.
BK: First off, I’d like to describe the scene here for our readers.
RR: Everything is coming off well. Everyone is pleased.
BK: To begin, it seems as if there are more illuminated snow villages then before.
RR: Yes. I’ve added the Village Tea Shoppe and the Candy Cauldron as well as some further accessories.
BK: OK. Now, the room is also stuffed to the gills with balloons.
RR: To celebrate the draft, yes. Nothing unusual there.
BK: The ceiling and none of the walls are visible.
RR: I can assure you of a construct. Succumb to the mystery.
BK: The draft is currently in process but you don’t seem to be paying any attention to it. For example, your club just drafted Ilya Kovalchuk.
RR: Never heard of him. But I am glad you set the proper mood. This is a colorful theatre erupting with buoyancy.
BK: Do you think you will win this year?
RR: Thank you.
BK: What about the question of winning?
RR: Thank you. Mind the balloons.
Royer gave Keebler a wide-eyed look of diabolical fury and the reporter felt it best to leave. The interview was ended prematurely.
Vitiello Discusses His First Draft
By Lance Pepsid
Special Fashion Correspondent
File photo
LP: Tell me what you’ll be looking for tonight.
CV: Before I answer that question, I’d like to know why you Mr. Pepsid are doing this interview.
LP: I was assigned…I’m not…
CV: It was my impression Mr. Pepsid that you were a fashion correspondent only. I cannot even fathom why the Pondicherry Association News would send someone of your ilk. Clearly, you are just reading these questions off a form.
LP: Let’s move on. What players are you looking at in the early rounds? Any particular position?
CV: It has been said that one selects the correct tool Mr. Pepsid. You are the incorrect tool for this job.
LP(becoming increasingly hysterical): Well…I….can I just…what round might you select a goaltender?
CV: When one is confronted with a man brandishing the incorrect tool, one has the option to counter with an apparatus more suitable to the situation.After a long, pregnant pause, Mr. Vitiello rose quickly and began whipping Pepsid mercilessly. The interview was ended early.
Pondicherry Association to Draft Tonight
By Dick Oakes, Jr.
Senior Staff Writer
File photo
The Pondicherry Association will hold its draft for the shortened 2013 season this evening, according to a statement issued earlier today.
The event is expected to be a toned-down affair with three of the nine owners unable to attend– Ric Royer of the Terrifying Bats is still incarcerated and notorious astronaut-asshole “Nick” is still stuck in space. Fick of the Darkness club will be sending a representative.
“It’s not going to be a big deal at all,” said Small Pizzas GM “Inner Hammer” who is returning from the Teets Island Chain some time this afternoon. “I’ll probably just put a robe on, walk down to the ballroom whenever the hell I feel like it. In the past, the draft has left me a quivering heap of nerves, deep horniness and hate. Plus, I would generally gorge myself on small pizzas. But not now. Life’s too short, boys.”
Stamps owner Aaron Tucker will be making a rare visit to Lankville to attend his first draft after purchasing an expansion team during the summer. Tucker will be traveling with a coterie of Hoover Island representatives and is expected to arrive by speedboat some time this afternoon.
“It should be exciting,” said hockey enthusiast Gene Slipps. “It’s said that Tucker’s speedboat is capable of propelling itself into the air for great distances. Should be something really interesting to see rather than the stuff I usually see which is not very interesting at all.” Slipps was later killed when he accidentally fell into a pit of fire.
The Association will play an abbreviated 48-game season following a 3-month long lockout.
Vitiello Decorative Hams Arena to Open Tonight
By Nient Boffo
Senior Staff Writer
File photo
Vitiello Decorative Hams Arena will open tonight as it plays host to the “Glacier Tangle Capades”, a popular traveling ice show.
“It’s an adequate trial run for the hockey season,” said owner Chris Vitiello. “The capades are a frivolous, nugatory event but it will allow us to examine the breadth of our ices. We will also have decorative hams at concession. They will be the only item at concession.”
The new arena, which seats 21,000 and features a scoreboard in the shape of a decorative ham, was constructed during the fall and early winter.
“Few expenses were spared,” noted project manager Ian Elton Joel. “There are even bathroom stalls for the especially fat. It has been thoughtfully laid out.”
Joel suddenly produced a chainsaw and began running towards a group of bystanders.
“I wanted the arena to be a palace,” added Vitiello, who was quality-testing some decorative hams by dropping them into an overfilled children’s swimming pool. “When patrons enter, they will see ushers in full uniform. Each usher will carry a whip. And that is how you address the issue of accountability.”
Vitiello pushed this writer down into the mud and the interview was ended prematurely.
ACCOMMODATIONS
When staying in the Area Beyond the Outlands, pick the Murray. Friendly, creative staff, delightful beds, curtains. Phone Far Outlands 5-6712.
LANKVILLE DAILY NEWS: IN BOOK FORM!
The book is gone. It will never return. We hear stories but they are likely false. We live in the woods now. We make fire with a lighter that we found in the street. It was crushed by a truck but, somehow, perhaps through some intervention that is beyond us, it still works. We are waiting. We are waiting.
Original Pondicherry Association News promotional advertisement (2009)
TONIGHT ON TV! RICHARD AND THE POSTMAN REUNION SPECIAL!
The Hit program from the 1970's returns to Lankville TV tonight on LBC!
ADULT ADVERTISEMENT
Women all over Lankville are just sitting at mammoth computers waiting to hear from men like you! Just insert a floppy disk, write a (non-sexual) message and let the sparks fly! (Computer not included).
ADVERTISEMENT
A Vitiello Decorative Ham makes a great gift. Show that you care today.
BANDED DUFFELS ON PALLETS
Assorted colors. Whatever you want to do, man. Call Lankville Falls, 3247.
BRIAN SCHROPP IN THE LANKVILLE DAILY NEWS
The most important cuisine articles ever written.
CANDY
Jipps Co. Full Service Candy Counter! Our alert girls will push gummy drops into special paper sheaths, engage in restrained pleasantries and explain chocholate-to-nougat ratios. Call Central Lankville 3614.
CAT PHOTO
In compliance with Lankville subsection 11:16-4.
CHAMBERS CO. HAND DRILLS: When Electricity is Not an Option
When electricity is not an option consider the Chambers Company hand crank drills. Perfect for use in tight spaces, on distant islands or for drilling holes in fences to see TITS. Call 4-2309.
EMPLOYMENT
Big Ed's BBQ Shack is looking for a part-time waitress. Someone who doesn't nose around and ask a lot of difficult questions. Call Lankville Rougher Area, 5-2100.
EMPLOYMENT
Nuts, Ah! is looking for an experienced nut-handler. Experience with bagging nuts also important. If you break the nut sack, the nuts will drop onto the floor. Come in person for application to Twin Removed Pines Mall. NO CALLS.
FOX FOR PARTIES
Hire the Poetry Fox for Your Child's Next Party. Reasonable rates. Writes poems, dances, will not stand for any shenanigans. Call South Lankville 2009.
The funny stories of Dick Oakes, Jr. have thrilled millions. Look for them today in The Lankville Daily News!
GELSINGER’S ALLURE CLUB
Topless, bottomless wonderland. Mysterious back rooms. Carpeted entirely in astroturf. NO CALLS.
GREBOV BROTHERS TELESCOPE COMPANY
The Grebov Brothers are Lankville's finest purveyor of telescopes for astronomy enthusiasts. Substantial 4.5" apertures and fast f/4 focal ratios provide bright, detailed views of solar system targets like the Moon and planets, as well as wide-field celestial objects like nebulas and star clusters but also TITS.
GUMP PENETRATES
Only in The Lankville Daily News
HADBAWNIK HAUNTED STAIRCASE COMPANY
The Hadbawnik Company is Lankville's #1 installer of haunted, brush-littered staircases. Friendly non-foreign staff! Call Western (Outer) Lankville, 2154 or 2198 today.
HADBAWNIK HAUNTED BRUSH PILES!
The Hadbawnik Haunted Staircase Company is now offering haunted brush piles for use on your staircase. Create eerie, supernal ambiance. Allow the brush to blow haphazardly in the wind, creates fear, foreboding. Call our friendly staff of white people at Western Lankville, 2154. Brush piles may contain other forms of yard debris.
HEY! WANT A MONKEY?
Hey! Want a live little monkey? They do cute things like climb into pumpkins. Call "The Captain"- Central Lankville Hills, 5264.
HOME DUMP Your Neighborhood Hardware Store 16 Lankville Locations!
Weekly Special: Primitive Forged Hooks. Buy 4, Get a Can of Paint. Or Maybe Not. You'll Just Have to Find Out.
INFLAMED BY STARS AND BLOOD
Lankville's Premier Science Fiction and Horror Magazine Now Appearing in The Lankville Daily News!
JOHNNY PADRES, OPTICIAN
Lankville has been relying on Dr. Johnny Padres for their optical needs since 1973. We offer a full service family eye care center and provide examinations for glasses and contacts and have a large display of designer, traditional and innovative eyewear for both regular prescription eyeglasses and sunglasses all of which will enable you to see TITS better. Call Lankville Business 2618-2.
LIFE LESSONS FUNERAL HOME
Life Lessons Funeral Home has been helping Lankville with dead people since 1932. Contact Eddie or Stummins, Lankville Business, 5-2161.
LOOK AT THESE BEAUTIES!
Really some of our best ever! Have you ever seen anything like it? Call Kelly (male) at Lankville Sound 2615.
MISSING
Missing: adult penguin. Christ, I just let him out in the yard for one minute and now he's gone. Responds to the name "Richard". Call Lankville Eastern Outlands, 5-6213.
NOW PLAYING!
The Unhinged: A New Film by Tom "Vapor" Rayford. Crisp Street Cinema, Eastern Lankville
PINEAPPLE CITY: A New Way of Being
Pineapple City is a new way of being, feeling and having your shirt off. Located in the distant, barren Lankville Pines, Pineapple City is now accepting applications for sheds. Call PINES, 2-5771.
THE PUZZLER
In the pie chart above, what segment represents a certain specific strata of the general population?
REAL ESTATE
Little shed for sale. With door, mailbox, dirt plot. Site of multiple murders but don't worry, they happened around back. To inquire, come to the shed. Go around back.
REAL ESTATE
Four acre lot in Eastern Lankville Cove Area. Price reduced! Site of a fireworks display in which several people fell out of their lawnchairs and died. Locals believe it haunted but that's crap. Call Cove 2751.
THE RECKONER EXACTRA 2.0 : A Danny Madison Product
It's Your Time: CALCULATE
SARAH SAMWAYS: CONTRIBUTING FEMALE
Exclusively in the Lankville Daily News (and some other papers).
SPEAKING ENGAGEMENT
Robin Brox will sit around and get progressively more intoxicated while listening to this other broad natter on about something. LANKVILLE REGIONAL AUDITORIUM, August 4, 11PM.
SPEAKING ENGAGEMENT CANCELED
The Dr. M. Chambers speech and candy-making event has been canceled again following Dr. Chambers' sudden collapse into some baskets. New date TBA
TRAVEL TIPS by Randy Hammers
The Kum Back Inn in the Lankville Desert Area has long been serving road-weary travelers. They feature a restaurant (with cocktails) and two spacious conference rooms. The Kum Back boasts 65 units-- each including window dressing, some chairs and a larger chair (seats two smallish children), a bed with orange comforter, a plastic trash can, clever paintings, and a windowless door. TV also available in 17 (sometimes 19) rooms. Most of the rooms are air-conditioned. Oscillating fans available upon request. Illuminated carports will protect your vehicle from the vicious sudden dust storms that often overtake the Desert Area and the wild thieves that occasionally parade across the landscape like some unmentionable horror. Call now at TU-0780 and ask for Bud or Karen (married).
UTILITY YARD SHEDS
The Lowinger Brothers offer great utility yard sheds at low prices. This one is haunted. Call Lankville Port Area 1072.
VACATION PACKAGES!
Spectacular vacations in campers by little mountains. Your cares will melt away but you will have to be careful of that shack (pictured). A lunatic lives there. Call Mercantile District 2711.
WRESTLING TONIGHT!
8PM, Southern Lankville Man-Arena. Featuring Ric "Wild Boy" Tipps (green trunks).
ZACH KEEBAUGH INVESTIGATIONS
Only in The Lankville Daily News
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