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New Mall to Feature Roaring Chasms of Fire

March 11, 2015 Leave a comment
Brock Belvedere

By Brock Belvedere

LANKVILLE ACTION NEWS: YES!

The newly-built Grand Southern Expansive Cement Grove Mall will feature roaring chasms of fire, sources are confirming.

“People have grown tired of those tiled pools they have in most malls where the fount kind of spurts out inconsistently like a urinating grandfather,” noted architect Mike Squatch. “And all those pennies. You wouldn’t believe the Island-Person man-hours spent picking pennies out of the bottom of fountains. It’s ridiculous.”

“We have eliminated the weak-streamed fountain, pennies and Island people all in one step,” Squatch added. “With roaring chasms of fire.”

Squatch says that Southern Expansive will feature four roaring chasms of fire, placed conveniently near staircases and elevators.

Squatch working on the fire chasms.

Squatch working on the fire chasms.

“I mean, if you want to throw a penny in one, by all means. It’s just going to get burned to hell,” Squatch noted as a giant smirk appeared across his face.

Mall Age Magazine, Lankville’s premier mall periodical, is embracing the innovation.

“There are different modes of production of fountains (i.e., fountainization) from both natural space to more complex spatialities where the fountain is socially produced,” noted Mall Age Magazine critic and editor Barry Games, who was interviewed at the edge of a copse. “What we’re seeing from Squatch is an analysis of the fountain as a three-part dialectic between everyday mall practices and perceptions, representations or theories of fountain space and then, finally, the spatial fountains of our time. It’s quite an achievement.”

Games was suddenly attacked by a lion and the interview was ended prematurely.

Southern Expansive is due to open in April.

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REPORT: Hundreds Have Disappeared Into Local Snowbank

February 27, 2015 Leave a comment
Elliott Cumber-Lanny

Elliott Cumber-Lanny

LANKVILLE ACTION NEWS: YES!

It was just after dusk when Lankville Partial-Ice Regions resident Karl Chappas went out for a quick trip to the store. He never returned.

“He said he was going out for some cheese,” said Chappas’ wife Louise-Janet. “What kind of an asshole walks out at night for some cheese?”

In another section of the Partial-Ice Regions, barrel-maker Glenn Grapes left work early. “He wanted to get an early start on some barrels,” noted his son Glenn, Jr. “He was generally kind of a cocksucker that way.”

What happened to Chappas, Grapes and hundreds of other Lankvillians?

They are believed to have fallen victim to a local snowbank. A snowbank that takes everything and gives nothing in return. A snowbank that, despite the fact that it’s really cold and not at all like hell, IS HELL.

The viciou

[The] snowbank that, despite the fact that it’s really cold and not at all like hell, IS HELL.

“We’re working on trying to free the corpses,” noted Detective Gee-Temple, who shuddered as he looked up at the monstrous snowbank, which is now estimated at over fifteen feet high. “This snowbank, however, is an icy sepulcher, a frosty mausoleum, a gelid grave.”

“I doubt we’ll be getting all these awful, stupid people out until Spring,” Gee-Temple added.

For now, the families will have to wait.

“I’d like some closure, sure,” noted Louise-Janet Chappas, who we interviewed while she crouched luridly on a pool table in a nearby bar. “Still, I’ve moved on. As I said before, Karl was always going out for cheese. Who the hell needs that in a partner?”

Does Chappas not feel sorry for the families of the other victims of this frigid tomb?

“There’s got to be a reason why somebody gets trapped in a fucking snowbank. Whether it’s pointless, idiotic cheese errands or getting a start on a barrel like that other asshole. I don’t even understand that- “getting an early start on a barrel”. I mean, what the Christ?”

“Pretty certain that’s going to be the m.o. on all these people,” Chappas added.

For now though, there are no answers. There are only questions. Questions that cannot penetrate the forbidding, bitter cold of the unspeakable snowbank.

Et tu snowbank?

Nothing.

 

Elliott Cumber-Lanny won a trophy for this report.

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Chastain, Creator of “Fuzzy Ponies”, Dead at 73

October 28, 2014 1 comment
By Lloyd Byas-Kirk

By Lloyd Byas-Kirk

LANKVILLE ACTION NEWS: YES!

Betty Chastain, the beloved creator of the “Fuzzy Ponies” series has died. The author was 73.

Detail of Chastain illustration from 1982 title "When the Fuzzy Ponies Dropped the Hammer"

Detail of Chastain illustration from 1982 title “When the Fuzzy Ponies Dropped the Hammer”

“We responded to a call to the Chastain home early this morning,” said Detective Gee-Temple of the Lankville Bureau of Probes. “We discovered a great chasm beneath the Chastain home that led to an unspeakable, interdimensional demonic arena and it is here, unfortunately, that Mrs. Chastain met her end.”

Chastain published 47 titles in the “Fuzzy Ponies” series.

“She was best at identifying with the child reader,” noted area librarian Jean Folger (rated about a 7 out of 10 by this writer). “Although the Fuzzy Ponies often embark on many sudden, extraordinary adventures, they also go through many of the same things as the average Lankville child– things like brushing their teeth, going to the playground or riding in a car. That’s what makes Chastain so versatile– on one page a Fuzzy Pony is watching his surroundings decay and turn to dust and then, suddenly, with little or no explanation, is having a fun day at the park, prancing through the fields on the next page.”

Chastain made few public appearances in the last ten years of her life and published only one title– 2007’s The Regeneration of the Fuzzy Ponies. The book was not well-received.

“We are happy that Betty was able to bring so much joy and confusion to children,” noted the Chastain family in a prepared statement.

A small, restrained funeral has been planned.

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