Brief Transmission Established with Pumpkin Tits GM “Nick”
By Dick Oakes, Jr.
Special “Space Canard” Correspondent
File photo
Extremely brief radio transmission was established late last night with “lost” Pumpkin Tits (formerly 17s) GM “Nick”. It is purported that “Nick” is still stranded somewhere in “outer space”. Dick Oakes spoke briefly with the oft-maligned executive.
DO: What’s the scoop, dick?
N: It’s been a harrowing four months. I…I think Karl Saffran is dead.
DO: You know your club is now called “The Pumpkin Tits”?
N: I…I can’t…I’m just trying to find food, shelter…it’s…I’m trying to get back to earth.
DO: All the players are locked out. You ain’t missing much, you crazy fuckhead.
N(begins sobbing): Please, you must help me. I will give you my coordinates…
DO: What do you think about all the new expansion clubs?
N: I…I have no idea…
DO: What do you know? Why the hell did I stay up this late?
Transmission suddenly broke off.
Decorative Hams Ordered for League Offices
By Commodore Evans Emmurian
Staff Writer (Occasional)
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Several crates of Vitiello Decorative Hams arrived yesterday to Pondicherry Association league offices, according to witnesses.
“They brought a crate to each department,” said secretary Meg Majors, who works in the “Pondicherry Advancement” offices on the 7th floor. “We weren’t sure what to do with them exactly, so we put a bunch of them in a center of the conference room table and then we piled the rest in a bathroom closet.”
“The directions for placement were unclear,” noted legal adviser Bill Jumpers-Hole. “And there were thousands of them all told. The building is now crawling with them.”
When asked if disposal was an option, Jumpers-Hole said, “absolutely not. We are all collectively bound to these hams.”
It is unclear who placed the order and calls to 24-Piece Men GM and Decorative Ham magnate Chris Vitiello were not returned.
“You get tossed around to a lot of different operators,” said Majors, who sported firm, high melons and a round, pleasing slice of business out back. “Many of the operators seem to be crying or are sick. There is mass confusion, even hysteria. Ultimately, you hear the screams of many people and the line goes dead. I have no idea what’s going on.”
“We’ve got a lot of hams here,” said Majors, who began pressing her mounds against her desk. “Doesn’t mean, though, that there isn’t a little more room for more meat.”
Minor and Emmurian quickly disappeared into a bathroom and the interview was ended prematurely.
Musings of a Decorative Ham Man by Chris Vitiello
By Chris Vitiello
File photo
There is so much to a Vitiello Decorative Ham. When it arrives at your door, you will receive a little card, inserted into a delicate golden envelope. Removing the card, which is printed on only the finest papers, you will find that each ham has been named. At the bottom of the card, you will discover a “seal” which forever binds you legally to the ham. There needs to be accountability.
I was once asked to host an award show for decorative meats. But then it was decided that I could not host, as I would likely be the winner. Coffee was served and fragile, graceful women moved about the tables which were covered in finespun gauze. There was no place for me to hide my whip– I wrapped it around my neck as a challenge to the men. And the men backed down.
I was awarded a prize and as I was leaving the ceremony, one of the fragile, graceful women called my name in a coquettish fashion. I whipped her mercilessly. I would not allow the tyranny of her sex to crush me.
Later, I went home and wrapped myself in overly hot towels, head to toe. I collapsed out of sheer exhaustion into bed. I thought of my award as a sort of bad dream.
The next morning I took one of my decorative hams and cracked it open. Stale air was released.
That was the last time I hurt them.
Musings of a Decorative Ham Man
By Chris Vitiello
File photo
On Thursdays, the ships bring in the giant containers of decorative hams. They are loaded onto flatbed trucks, driven east and they arrive in great stacks at my factory. I supervise what comes next.
The workers, lurking in halls, suddenly descend upon the great receptacles. Upon occasion, it is necessary for me to whip them but they have grown used to the process and even developed a certain modicum of efficiency. I watch them unload the decorative hams into smaller containers.
I use the word container but really, for me, these are decorative ham reliquaries. It is a shame that they are made of cold, poorly-painted steel. They should be bejeweled.
Next, the decorative hams are rolled on carts towards the patented Vitiello Conveyor Cinctures. They are further decorated as they move slowly by a series of skilled craftsmen in aprons. And finally each decorative ham is paraded past my office window. Decorative hams not worthy of the Vitiello name are burned in secret indoor pits.
I come from nothing. Out of the mountains of West Lankville– my father was a violent drunk. He came home to the trailer every night with a different woman. “Here’s your new mama,” he would scream, pushing the harlot onto the sofa next to me. Even then, I made little decorative hams out of paper. I had a dream.
Royer’s Madcap Experiences: The Grey Horde Creeps
By Ric Royer
File photo
I was half asleep on a chair that had been shoved violently into a corner. The hall was dark, cold and cavernous– they had left all the tubas on the floor and a couple of music stands had been kicked, bent in half and then set on fire.
I had not been invited. I had been across the street, sticking up a gas station. The old counterman was trying to make idle conversation as he filled the sack with cash. “I got a paneled staircase that goes down to a paneled basement,” he nattered. “We keep canned goods down there, behind a couple of western doors. It’s a whole different room for the canned goods, you understand. I keep the dry goods up top, on a shelf.”
I saw the limos pulling up in front of the great hall, the elegant figures alighting from the back. And I especially noticed the women.
The old counterman continued on. “About 25 years ago, we fixed up some grey linoleum on the floor for my son. He was having a party and we…” I cut him off. “What’s that over there?” I asked, grabbing the sack. “They have dances,” he said. “Dances for the Fraternal Bears Club.” “Right. Thanks for nothing asshole,” I said. I pushed over a rack of balloons out of pure malice.
As I crossed the busy intersection, I first got wind of the creeping grey horde. It was coming in from the west, forming a discordant tableau against the tall buildings and the advertising signs. Somebody, far away, went out into the street in his wife-beater and took a shot at the horde with a pistol. He was devoured instantly.
I waited in back of the hall and jumped a half-drunk suit as he walked by. As he lay unconscious, I swapped out our clothes. For some reason, he had a laminated card that showed color photographs of different soups. I found his ball ticket in the breast pocket.
I waited on line. Just as I was about to go in, I took a glance backwards at the creeping grey horde. It was closer– perhaps a mile off now. There was just the beginning of what became a deafening roar.
I hung around the coat check. There was a petite brunette there– not selling it too much on the tits but Grade-A on the ass. I watched her work for awhile and then, during a lull, I decided on a gambit.
“Fuck this shit,” I told her. “You need better.”
“You’re so crude,” she said, in a timid, innocent voice. Her face flushed red.
“I know a hotel. Might as well baby, the creeping grey horde is here.”
She suddenly grew very white. She knew it, we all knew it.
“What about the coats? The hats?”
“Fuck that, baby. They’ll all be gone soon enough.”
I decided I didn’t feel like blowing my score on a hotel room so I did her in a room off the main hall. Then we smoked some cigarettes and listened to the music next door.
“That was…intense,” she said. “It was…lovemaking.”
“Yeah, baby,” I said, as I spat against the wall. “I really menaced that ass.”
And then we suddenly heard the horde and the music stopped next door. The building began shaking.
Well, it ended up that everybody died but me. They died in a strange way– the creeping grey horde just came straight through windows and doors and grabbed them up, including sweet-ass.
The horde left me there in that hall.
Musings of a Decorative Ham Man By Chris Vitiello
The Greater Lankville Presenter of Certain Types of News is pleased to present a new series by 24-Piece Men GM and decorative ham magnate Chris Vitiello.
File photo
One morning, after a pleasant fall of snow, I sent a letter to someone with whom I had decorative ham business (he was buying 10 hams for his daughter’s room). In my letter, I failed to mention the snow. The reply was amusing: “Do you suppose that I shall take any notice of what someone says who is so perverse that he writes a letter without a word of inquiry as to how I am enjoying the snow? I am disappointed in you.”
The author of that letter is now dead (he was mauled by cubs) but even after all these years, that trivial incident sticks hardily in my mind.
Vitiello Will Branch Out to Decorative Loafs for Xmas Season
By Bernie Keebler
Senior Staff Writer
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24-Piece Men GM and Decorative Ham magnate Chris Vitiello announced today that he will branch out to “decorative loafs” for the upcoming holiday season.
“Gives our catalogue some added dimensions,” said the executive, who was interviewed while holding a gigantic, novelty check for funds donated to pandas. “We’ll carry traditional sweetloafs but we’ll also carry meatloafs, porkloafs, chuckloafs, brevinloafs, concentrated contained loafs and many, many others.
The photograph session completed, Vitiello shoved the novelty check awkwardly into a small trash can. The trash can ultimately flipped on its side.
“It will be very easy to order the decorative loafs. It’s a new process we’ve come up with.”
A long, pregnant pause ensued.
“It’s called downloafing.”
Several reporters began vomiting and the rest were whipped mercilessly by an angry Vitiello.
An Interview with Dr. Pondicherry
Nient Boffo, Jr. recently sat down with deposed commissioner Dr. Albert C. Pondicherry, Jr. at the Brox Uncolored Condiment Factory in Western Lankville.
NB: Tell us about your new job with the Condiments.
AP: I have this tight onesie as you can see and this beekeeping hat. I’ve been assigned to prance around the factory floor at specific times.
NB: How does one prance?
AP: I’m glad you asked that. See, I didn’t know myself and so Robin Brox was kind enough to bring in some experts and they had me trained in a few days.
NB: And the beekeeping hat?
AP: Protection against projectiles. These boys on the floor, they’ll throw anything. Tomatoes, cans of corn, wagons.
NB: And what is the point of all this beyond humiliating you, of course?
AP: I don’t view it that way. It’s about Lankvillian morale– it’s about our long tradition of…
[Dr. Pondicherry was suddenly smashed in the back of the head by a crystal serving set. The interview had to be ended prematurely].
Vitiello Changes Club Name to “24-Piece Men”
Salty Cubbes
Sedentary Reporter
file photo
The Dead Puck Era have changed their club name to “The 24-Piece Men”, it was announced early this morning. The move is effective today and marks the 10th name change this season.
GM Chris Vitiello, who appeared at a poorly-attended 5AM “fun mixer” at a downtown hotel, took a moment to explain the decision.
“This [change] is based on a great number of things,” the executive noted, after closely scrutinizing a group of loudly-talking patrons, his seemingly bloodless hand clenching his ever-present braided whip. “For one, it is a reminder to me of excess and of sloth. You see, I was once very fat.”
Vitiello momentarily broke down and then suddenly whipped at the air, his eyes darting about the room. After calming down, the GM continued:
“I once was very fat and I ordered a 24-piece chicken every day from a greasy, disgusting fast food counter run by Island people. They used to say, “Here comes the 24-piece man!” and it got to be where I put on a show for them. I’d loudly and fatly prance about the store proclaiming myself the 24-piece man. I even bought myself a gold crown with the words “24-piece man” engraved on the front. I wore it everywhere.”
“And then I had an epiphany. I was lying in bed, having just gorged myself yet again and I happened to glance at a mirror and saw myself there with the crown and the spent chicken bones. And I said to myself, in a voice that was not my own, I am a Demon.”
“And I saw fire then. And I immediately returned to the chicken counter and whipped everyone there furiously. The counter closed shortly thereafter.”
Vitiello seemed relieved at his confession and spent the next 20 minutes engaged in amiable conversation, making lighthearted jokes and overturning a few tables for fun.
“I should whip everyone here,” he laughed, a brilliant smile flashing across his face. “I should whip you all ruthlessly until blood fills the room but I won’t. It’s a fun mixer, you came to have fun.”
“But I should whip everyone. Everyone here,” he added, suddenly with purpose.
Unearthed Pondicherry Poem Captures Imagination of League
By Buffon Miravaux
Special Hills Reporter
file photo
The recently unearthed Pondicherry Poem, first published on Sunday in the Lankville Semi-Annual Poetry Newsletter (Small Edition), has captured the imagination of the league according to multiple sources.
“I have spent a lot of time with it,” said Oversions owner J.M. Barlow, from his spacious downtown suite. “It’s changed my outlook, my worldview in many ways. For example, I wore a T-shirt to work today.”
“It has caused us to reflect, of course,” added Terrifying Bat owner Ric Royer, who was directing the moving of furniture into his new mall house. “This Pondscherriers [sic] has perhaps been undervalued as a human being. If this poem is any indication, he seems to be a man capable of ejaculating great pulchritude.”
Royer suddenly removed his shirt and sobbed with such force that he later choked and had to be taken to the hospital. His condition is unknown.
Calls to Dr. Pondicherry have gone unanswered. “He doesn’t have a phone,” said Pondicherry’s current employer and GM Robin Brox. “He doesn’t have anything except a onesie uniform that we force him to wear. He prances around in the onesie and a beekeeping hat on the factory floor. We find that it keeps up morale. That’s basically the gist of his current job.”
Scholars have begun debating the merits of the Pondicherry poem and a reading of the work is scheduled for this evening at a nearby basement.
Vitiello Seeks to Alter Public Image
By Enceladus Sheets
Senior Staff Writer
File photo
Dead Puck Era GM Chris Vitiello announced today that he is seeking to alter his public image.
“People think of me as a sort of maniac that will suddenly begin whipping people mercilessly for no apparent reason,” said Vitiello, who purchased his expansion franchise over the summer. “And while this is entirely true, I don’t think that the press has shown that I can also be a selfless, generous individual capable of love.”
Vitiello admitted that he “got off on the wrong foot” when, during his first press conference, he whipped a reporter near to death. “I realize how that act gave me a reputation as a whipper, which, of course, I am but I think the press failed to paint my good side as well.”
“And by the press,” Vitiello said, a look of great purpose crossing his face, “I mean YOU, Mr. Sheets.”
Vitiello began whipping Sheets mercilessly.
BREAKING: Grainy Photographs of “Nick” and Fat Guy Received
By Brock Belvedere, Jr.
Senior Staff Writer
File photo
A satellite transmission was received today by Goddards Famous Astronaut House which appears to depict 17s GM and alleged “astronaut” Nick along with a fat person. The location of the lost liar and the fat person are currently unknown.
“Nick is alive,” said Goddards spokesman Gherry Ivy during a somber press conference held this afternoon. “It seems that our space robot has taken some photographs from some distant planet and the satellite has done its job in bringing those photographs back to earth. We threw them away immediately, of course, but there is still no denying the facts. Nick is alive.”
“And there’s some fat guy with him,” Ivy added.
“Nick” has been missing in space since May.
“There were a whole number of humorous scenarios that we had cooked up in regards to his demise,” noted Ivy. “I thought it would be great if two asteroids, like a couple of giant space tits, came along and just crushed him. I really had hoped for that.”
“Now, of course, we’ll probably start receiving more and more information. Eventually, it will be hard to just throw it away. Someone eventually will demand an investigation.”
The 17’s placed 1st in the Association last season.
Foodstamps’ Tucker Defends Hoover Island Nudity
By Dick Oakes, Jr.
Senior Staff Writer
File photo
Some conservative hockey fans are not happy with the strange reports from expansion franchise Aaron Tucker’s Hoover Island. And they’re voicing their opinions.
“He’s weird,” said old and simple Lankville resident Georgia Huffs. “All those people running around in the buff. Men and women. You never saw anything like that back when I was young. People were nice. I don’t know what’s happened.”
“We don’t approve of his lifestyle,” added hockey fan and south Lankville resident Darrell Ott. “We won’t be rooting for his club this season.”
Ott was suddenly taken up by a fervent wind. He disappeared into the clouds.
Foodstamps’ Tucker is aware of the controversy. “I don’t plan to change a thing here on Hoover Island,” he noted. “There is nothing wrong with nudity. It’s as intended. After awhile, you get used to it. You don’t even say to yourself, “Look at that bare ass. Look at that guy’s nuts, anything like that. You just go about your business.”
Tucker noted that nudity is entirely optional and that nude “centers” and “parks” are set up all over the island.
“We have special sections set up in most of our major stores for nudity. There are corrugated walls placed around them to protect innocents. That way, if you go into a store say, just for example, to purchase an unusually high number of frilly, feminine throw pillows, you can either say to yourself, “Ah, I don’t care about seeing tits today or I don’t really want to see tits while I buy these frilly, feminine throw pillows.” You have a choice. We’re all about a choice on Hoover Island. It’s true democracy.”
Tucker would not go so far as to allow nude hockey or nude fans into Hoover Island Recreational Facility (7), the island’s largest arena.
“I would guess we will not have nudity during league games. We can’t have fans from Lankville who are not used to our way of life, watching TV and saying, “Awwww, man. Look at that round ass. Look at those round honkers and that round ass combination.” It would not be becoming of our lifestyle and an insult to our people. I can’t see anyway we could televise our games while keeping the pert titties and low-hanging balls off the screen. It’s just impractical.”
Tucker did concede that nudity in the concourse could be permitted.
The Pondicherry Association draft is scheduled for September 30. The Foodstamps are the second Island franchise in league history.
BREAKING: “Inner Hammer” Arrested at Water Park
By Hugh G. Pickens
Crime Beat Reporter
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Small Pizzas GM “Inner Hammer” was arrested this morning at the North-Eastern Lankville Water Esplanade. The executive is currently in police custody.
“The Aquatic Managers and their designated staff have the authority to enforce all pool rules,” said water park manager Buddy Saberhagen. “Mr. Hammer was flouting this authority in an unequivocal manner and we felt that the police people had to be called.”
Police or water park officials would not release the particulars of “Inner Hammer’s” offense but witnesses commented on the apparent infractions.
“There’s a clearly printed rule that says that chairs are not permitted within six feet of the pool,” said Outer Lankville resident Tots Zizek, who brought some non-white children to the amusement facility. “This fellow [Inner Hammer] dragged a gigantic couch right up to the edge of the pool and then put up some cones to prevent anyone else from getting near it. He was clearly monopolizing a specific area of the pool and this is also clearly outlawed on the sign.”
“He was wearing a transparent swimsuit,” said another witness. “You could see his penis and his ass.”
The second witness later died when his inner tube suddenly deflated causing massive abdominal injuries.
The Small Pizzas are expected to release a statement later today.
“Profiteroles Are Not Haunted”, Says Inner Hammer
By Enceladus Sheets
Senior Staff Writer
File photo
Reacting to the latest “Royer Experience” published yesterday, Early Peoples GM “Inner Hammer” stated categorically and loudly that, “profiteroles are not haunted.” The executive then produced a number of profiteroles piled into a red wagon and invited reporters to observe the seemingly placid pastries.
“You see any ghosts? You see any god damn phantasms?” he questioned in an agitated manner. Receiving only a slight murmur in response, “Inner Hammer” then turned over the profiteroles and stomped them into the carpet which, for some reason, was sodden and fetid. He then left the room.
The press conference was ended early.
Shortly after submission of this article, several of the reporters began “fooling around” with the pile of spilled profiteroles. In the ensuing melee, Enceladus Sheets was accidentally drowned in the pastries.
ACCOMMODATIONS
When staying in the Area Beyond the Outlands, pick the Murray. Friendly, creative staff, delightful beds, curtains. Phone Far Outlands 5-6712.
LANKVILLE DAILY NEWS: IN BOOK FORM!
The book is gone. It will never return. We hear stories but they are likely false. We live in the woods now. We make fire with a lighter that we found in the street. It was crushed by a truck but, somehow, perhaps through some intervention that is beyond us, it still works. We are waiting. We are waiting.
Original Pondicherry Association News promotional advertisement (2009)
TONIGHT ON TV! RICHARD AND THE POSTMAN REUNION SPECIAL!
The Hit program from the 1970's returns to Lankville TV tonight on LBC!
ADULT ADVERTISEMENT
Women all over Lankville are just sitting at mammoth computers waiting to hear from men like you! Just insert a floppy disk, write a (non-sexual) message and let the sparks fly! (Computer not included).
ADVERTISEMENT
A Vitiello Decorative Ham makes a great gift. Show that you care today.
BANDED DUFFELS ON PALLETS
Assorted colors. Whatever you want to do, man. Call Lankville Falls, 3247.
BRIAN SCHROPP IN THE LANKVILLE DAILY NEWS
The most important cuisine articles ever written.
CANDY
Jipps Co. Full Service Candy Counter! Our alert girls will push gummy drops into special paper sheaths, engage in restrained pleasantries and explain chocholate-to-nougat ratios. Call Central Lankville 3614.
CAT PHOTO
In compliance with Lankville subsection 11:16-4.
CHAMBERS CO. HAND DRILLS: When Electricity is Not an Option
When electricity is not an option consider the Chambers Company hand crank drills. Perfect for use in tight spaces, on distant islands or for drilling holes in fences to see TITS. Call 4-2309.
EMPLOYMENT
Big Ed's BBQ Shack is looking for a part-time waitress. Someone who doesn't nose around and ask a lot of difficult questions. Call Lankville Rougher Area, 5-2100.
EMPLOYMENT
Nuts, Ah! is looking for an experienced nut-handler. Experience with bagging nuts also important. If you break the nut sack, the nuts will drop onto the floor. Come in person for application to Twin Removed Pines Mall. NO CALLS.
FOX FOR PARTIES
Hire the Poetry Fox for Your Child's Next Party. Reasonable rates. Writes poems, dances, will not stand for any shenanigans. Call South Lankville 2009.
The funny stories of Dick Oakes, Jr. have thrilled millions. Look for them today in The Lankville Daily News!
GELSINGER’S ALLURE CLUB
Topless, bottomless wonderland. Mysterious back rooms. Carpeted entirely in astroturf. NO CALLS.
GREBOV BROTHERS TELESCOPE COMPANY
The Grebov Brothers are Lankville's finest purveyor of telescopes for astronomy enthusiasts. Substantial 4.5" apertures and fast f/4 focal ratios provide bright, detailed views of solar system targets like the Moon and planets, as well as wide-field celestial objects like nebulas and star clusters but also TITS.
GUMP PENETRATES
Only in The Lankville Daily News
HADBAWNIK HAUNTED STAIRCASE COMPANY
The Hadbawnik Company is Lankville's #1 installer of haunted, brush-littered staircases. Friendly non-foreign staff! Call Western (Outer) Lankville, 2154 or 2198 today.
HADBAWNIK HAUNTED BRUSH PILES!
The Hadbawnik Haunted Staircase Company is now offering haunted brush piles for use on your staircase. Create eerie, supernal ambiance. Allow the brush to blow haphazardly in the wind, creates fear, foreboding. Call our friendly staff of white people at Western Lankville, 2154. Brush piles may contain other forms of yard debris.
HEY! WANT A MONKEY?
Hey! Want a live little monkey? They do cute things like climb into pumpkins. Call "The Captain"- Central Lankville Hills, 5264.
HOME DUMP Your Neighborhood Hardware Store 16 Lankville Locations!
Weekly Special: Primitive Forged Hooks. Buy 4, Get a Can of Paint. Or Maybe Not. You'll Just Have to Find Out.
INFLAMED BY STARS AND BLOOD
Lankville's Premier Science Fiction and Horror Magazine Now Appearing in The Lankville Daily News!
JOHNNY PADRES, OPTICIAN
Lankville has been relying on Dr. Johnny Padres for their optical needs since 1973. We offer a full service family eye care center and provide examinations for glasses and contacts and have a large display of designer, traditional and innovative eyewear for both regular prescription eyeglasses and sunglasses all of which will enable you to see TITS better. Call Lankville Business 2618-2.
LIFE LESSONS FUNERAL HOME
Life Lessons Funeral Home has been helping Lankville with dead people since 1932. Contact Eddie or Stummins, Lankville Business, 5-2161.
LOOK AT THESE BEAUTIES!
Really some of our best ever! Have you ever seen anything like it? Call Kelly (male) at Lankville Sound 2615.
MISSING
Missing: adult penguin. Christ, I just let him out in the yard for one minute and now he's gone. Responds to the name "Richard". Call Lankville Eastern Outlands, 5-6213.
NOW PLAYING!
The Unhinged: A New Film by Tom "Vapor" Rayford. Crisp Street Cinema, Eastern Lankville
PINEAPPLE CITY: A New Way of Being
Pineapple City is a new way of being, feeling and having your shirt off. Located in the distant, barren Lankville Pines, Pineapple City is now accepting applications for sheds. Call PINES, 2-5771.
THE PUZZLER
In the pie chart above, what segment represents a certain specific strata of the general population?
REAL ESTATE
Little shed for sale. With door, mailbox, dirt plot. Site of multiple murders but don't worry, they happened around back. To inquire, come to the shed. Go around back.
REAL ESTATE
Four acre lot in Eastern Lankville Cove Area. Price reduced! Site of a fireworks display in which several people fell out of their lawnchairs and died. Locals believe it haunted but that's crap. Call Cove 2751.
THE RECKONER EXACTRA 2.0 : A Danny Madison Product
It's Your Time: CALCULATE
SARAH SAMWAYS: CONTRIBUTING FEMALE
Exclusively in the Lankville Daily News (and some other papers).
SPEAKING ENGAGEMENT
Robin Brox will sit around and get progressively more intoxicated while listening to this other broad natter on about something. LANKVILLE REGIONAL AUDITORIUM, August 4, 11PM.
SPEAKING ENGAGEMENT CANCELED
The Dr. M. Chambers speech and candy-making event has been canceled again following Dr. Chambers' sudden collapse into some baskets. New date TBA
TRAVEL TIPS by Randy Hammers
The Kum Back Inn in the Lankville Desert Area has long been serving road-weary travelers. They feature a restaurant (with cocktails) and two spacious conference rooms. The Kum Back boasts 65 units-- each including window dressing, some chairs and a larger chair (seats two smallish children), a bed with orange comforter, a plastic trash can, clever paintings, and a windowless door. TV also available in 17 (sometimes 19) rooms. Most of the rooms are air-conditioned. Oscillating fans available upon request. Illuminated carports will protect your vehicle from the vicious sudden dust storms that often overtake the Desert Area and the wild thieves that occasionally parade across the landscape like some unmentionable horror. Call now at TU-0780 and ask for Bud or Karen (married).
UTILITY YARD SHEDS
The Lowinger Brothers offer great utility yard sheds at low prices. This one is haunted. Call Lankville Port Area 1072.
VACATION PACKAGES!
Spectacular vacations in campers by little mountains. Your cares will melt away but you will have to be careful of that shack (pictured). A lunatic lives there. Call Mercantile District 2711.
WRESTLING TONIGHT!
8PM, Southern Lankville Man-Arena. Featuring Ric "Wild Boy" Tipps (green trunks).
ZACH KEEBAUGH INVESTIGATIONS
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LETTER SACK