Archive
Lankville Women Open Exercise Center
By Ida Rumpus
LANKVILLE ACTION NEWS, YES!
A group of Lankville women opened an exercise center in the Northern Wooded Shopping Arena last night. About 200 people attended the event in which non-alcoholic beverages and a sheet cake were served.
“We’re hoping to explain the benefits of calisthenics and moderate dumbbell lifting,” noted co-founder Betty Chastain, 27. “The center is well-equipped with all the latest tumbling mats, stationary bicycles and pummel horses and we have a clean, modern locker room with shower facilities.”
The founders of the new exercise center are, from left to right: Betty Chastain, Jen Sakata, Pat Bourque, Gene Tennis and Lynnda Coombs.
The locker room was of particular interest to a small cohort of about ten male attendees, who spent the evening hanging around the doorway and closely monitoring women as they exercised in form-fitting leotards.
“We certainly need something like this in our area,” said lurker Bill Herrington, 46. “Just look at these gals go.” Herrington suddenly grunted deeply and bent over awkwardly at the waist as he watched a participant stretching just a few feet in front of him. The interview was ended prematurely.
“I’m a great believer in deep floor stretching as a means of bolstering physical fitness,” said co-founder Pat Bourque, 26. Bourque then rolled over on her back, lifting her sculpted legs high in the air as the group of men took stared aggressively. “As you work the hips and thighs, you’ll notice yourself able to spread your legs further thereby benefiting the muscles of the buttocks,” Bourque added, as one of the men suddenly collapsed and had to be removed to a comfort station. “Stretching is really the best exercise there is.”
“We want our center to be a nice activity for young wives, somewhere they can go after a long day taking care of baby or pounding a typewriter,” said Sakata, 24, who previously served as a physical education instructor. “But we’re also really delighted that these men came to watch. They certainly have shown a keen enthusiasm for what we’re doing here.” Sakata then demonstrated the health benefits of the pummel horse as several of the men followed her movements closely. “Our center is something for the whole community,” Sakata added, as she breathed deeply and grunted due to the exertion.
“Boy oh boy,” noted another of the watchers who began mopping his brow and refused to be identified. “Look at that scissor move. She’s taking charge of that horse.”
The center will be open weeknights until 10 p.m. and can be reached at NORTHERN 5721.
Car Pushed Over
By Linwood Probert
LANKVILLE ACTION NEWS, YES!
A car was pushed over, sources are reporting.
“Some kids got on one side of the car and pushed it over,” said witness Kirk Brocky, 35, of the Outlands. “It’s upside down right now in someone’s yard.”
Police have not been able to identify the car’s owner or the kids.
A car is pushed over by some kids (reenactment).
“Nah, nothing, no information on that,” stated Detective Gee-Temple. “Some kids pushed it over. The car. That’s all we have.”
Brocky, who is unmarried, said he witnessed the crime from a distance.
“I was in the weedy area behind the harness race track. It was from a distance. But they did push the car over,” he noted.
Brocky, who is also unemployed and chubby, said that the kids were wearing light jackets.
“They had light jackets on, like windbreakers. And then they pushed the car over.”
When asked what happened next, Brocky seemed confused.
“They…just pushed the car over. And then I went to the payphone to call police.”
When asked if he had exact change or whether he had to break a dollar, Brocky noted that he had “exact change”.
The incident is currently being investigated.
An Interview with Robin Brox
By Gump Tibbs
Senior Staff Writer
File photo
GT: Haven’t heard much lately from the queen of Uncolored Condiments? What’s going on?
RB: Uncolored condiments sell themselves, Gump. The minute some asshole shoots yellow mustard all over a $10 shirt, the minute I have a new customer. I haven’t been in the office in weeks.
GT: You were married to [Lankville Daily News] reporter Marles Cundiff. What happened there?
RB: We’re in the process of divorcing. There wasn’t much meat on the bone, if you know what I’m saying Gump.
GT: And what about your hockey franchise? Second place. You happy with that?
RB: Who the hell is happy? You happy there Gumper?
GT(pauses): I’ve got some guns. Want to go shoot at the dumpster?
RB: Why the fuck didn’t you say so? Let’s get out of here.
(The interview was ended prematurely).
Royer to Open Series of Automats
By Grady Kitchens
Senior Staff Writer
File photo
Incarcerated executive Ric Royer (who elected to use his given name for this story) announced today that he will be opening a series of automats, many of which will appear at Memorial Yea! Keepsake Auditorium and other sports venues throughout Lankville. The automats are on target to be open by 2014.
Royer, who appeared in front of one of the automats still under construction, was seen laughing and jostling with reporters and fans and engaging in generalized horseplay.
“The mechanism of the automat is of great interest to me,” Royer later explained as a series of ominous storm clouds entered the area, presaging an epoch of great destruction, death, famine and possible cannibalism. “But the tempting array of foods holds an even greater fascination.”
“When you look at the slabs of pie behind the glass,” Royer continued, “you will be instantly deceived. The slab of pie is not as big as it looks. You see a very large piece of pie. You put in your money, open the receptacle and remove an extremely small piece of pie. You will be vastly disappointed. But by then, I will already have your money. I will have already deceived you.”
“Also, the pies are really, really, really terrible,” Royer added.
When asked if the eccentric executive had revealed too much about his scheme, Royer appeared confused and stared towards the sky, lost in thought.
SOCIAL HAPPENINGS: “Inner Hammer” and Aunt Pam Now Engaged
BY IDA RUMPUS The Lankville Society Scoop
File photo
The engagement is announced of professional hockey owner “Inner Hammer” and Aunt Pam. The wedding is to take place in the near future.
The happy couple, who were introduced to each other in a weedy field, are arranging for a honeymoon in the Teets Island Chain.
“Aunt Pam makes me hard. Rock hard,” said the perspicacious bridegroom. “She won’t do anything besides a little necking on her craft-heavy back porch so I gotta get married so I can just go to town on that. It’s gonna’ happen folks. You put that in the society pages, baby.”
“Inner Hammer” then gently touched this reporter’s cheek. “Anyone ever tell you that you have the skin of a bunch of milky white glass beads made to cascade over a series of flat mossy rocks?” he asked.
Aunt Pam, a homemaker, expressed deep contentment at the arrangement.
“I was married before, to Uncle Glenn but he ended up hanging himself in the attic. It was strange too because he put a large panel across the stairwell so we didn’t know about it for months. A fumigator finally discovered the hidden door and was hit by a blast of the odor of death.”
“We didn’t even have to cut him down,” Aunt Pam added. “He’d been hanging there for so long that his body just got ripped from the head. It was just a head hanging there.”
Further details on the proposed upcoming will be forthcoming.
Royer Packs Steaming Tray of Brownies Into Valise
By Dick Oakes, Jr.
Senior Staff Writer
file photo
It was announced this morning that Terrifying Bats GM Ric Royer has packed a steaming tray of brownies into a valise.
“The tray was definitely fresh out of the oven,” said bystander Lowell Hernandez, who witnessed the entire event. “The tray didn’t fit very well into the valise, so [Royer] just dumped it in vertically, thus having the effect of many brownies falling out of the tray and into the bottom of the case. It didn’t seem to bother him at all though, and he then disappeared into a large, fancy all-terrain vehicle which then drove off.”
Hernandez was later pushed down a hill. He is now dead.
Royer’s whereabouts are current unknown.
Musings of a Decorative Ham Man by Chris Vitiello
file photo
For the final hour of our negotiations with the Players Union, I sat quietly in a corner with my whip extended.
I cannot describe the self-control that was required. I simply wanted to rise, soundlessly move across the carpet and thrash everyone mercilessly.
But I abstained.
In the decorative ham world, there is no room for negotiation. We do not sit around tables in windowless rooms. We do not order large trays of colored bagels. There are no soup tureens with little cans of fire beneath. There is no ice.
My first partner once attempted to give me a birthday party. I was asked to cut the cake. I took the knife and with absolutely no expression on my face, quartered it perfectly, sliding each section across the table and into a trashcan. The icing left a long smear upon the surface. Then I turned over the cardboard bottom and then the table. “I HAVE SPOKEN,” I said, dramatically. Everyone knew after that.
I took the rest of that day off and went to a mall. I entered a men’s store, elbowing several people out of the way, still maintaining that cold, expressionless visage. “You will sell me two suits, both as black as night,” I told the clerk. “I will NOT be measured.” The clerk eyed my form fearfully. “Socks?” he asked. I thought about this. “Yes, you will sell me two pairs. Black. Black as the bottom of the grave.”
“And the beneath-pants,” he said, his voice quivering. “We have…white soft cotton…they hug the nether regions. And we have longer…longer beneath-pants. Some have designs.”
“NO,” I yelled.
Twenty minutes later, I left with two suits. They have served me in the precise manner that I desired.
ACCOMMODATIONS
When staying in the Area Beyond the Outlands, pick the Murray. Friendly, creative staff, delightful beds, curtains. Phone Far Outlands 5-6712.
LANKVILLE DAILY NEWS: IN BOOK FORM!
The book is gone. It will never return. We hear stories but they are likely false. We live in the woods now. We make fire with a lighter that we found in the street. It was crushed by a truck but, somehow, perhaps through some intervention that is beyond us, it still works. We are waiting. We are waiting.
Original Pondicherry Association News promotional advertisement (2009)
TONIGHT ON TV! RICHARD AND THE POSTMAN REUNION SPECIAL!
The Hit program from the 1970's returns to Lankville TV tonight on LBC!
ADULT ADVERTISEMENT
Women all over Lankville are just sitting at mammoth computers waiting to hear from men like you! Just insert a floppy disk, write a (non-sexual) message and let the sparks fly! (Computer not included).
ADVERTISEMENT
A Vitiello Decorative Ham makes a great gift. Show that you care today.
BANDED DUFFELS ON PALLETS
Assorted colors. Whatever you want to do, man. Call Lankville Falls, 3247.
BRIAN SCHROPP IN THE LANKVILLE DAILY NEWS
The most important cuisine articles ever written.
CANDY
Jipps Co. Full Service Candy Counter! Our alert girls will push gummy drops into special paper sheaths, engage in restrained pleasantries and explain chocholate-to-nougat ratios. Call Central Lankville 3614.
CAT PHOTO
In compliance with Lankville subsection 11:16-4.
CHAMBERS CO. HAND DRILLS: When Electricity is Not an Option
When electricity is not an option consider the Chambers Company hand crank drills. Perfect for use in tight spaces, on distant islands or for drilling holes in fences to see TITS. Call 4-2309.
EMPLOYMENT
Big Ed's BBQ Shack is looking for a part-time waitress. Someone who doesn't nose around and ask a lot of difficult questions. Call Lankville Rougher Area, 5-2100.
EMPLOYMENT
Nuts, Ah! is looking for an experienced nut-handler. Experience with bagging nuts also important. If you break the nut sack, the nuts will drop onto the floor. Come in person for application to Twin Removed Pines Mall. NO CALLS.
FOX FOR PARTIES
Hire the Poetry Fox for Your Child's Next Party. Reasonable rates. Writes poems, dances, will not stand for any shenanigans. Call South Lankville 2009.
The funny stories of Dick Oakes, Jr. have thrilled millions. Look for them today in The Lankville Daily News!
GELSINGER’S ALLURE CLUB
Topless, bottomless wonderland. Mysterious back rooms. Carpeted entirely in astroturf. NO CALLS.
GREBOV BROTHERS TELESCOPE COMPANY
The Grebov Brothers are Lankville's finest purveyor of telescopes for astronomy enthusiasts. Substantial 4.5" apertures and fast f/4 focal ratios provide bright, detailed views of solar system targets like the Moon and planets, as well as wide-field celestial objects like nebulas and star clusters but also TITS.
GUMP PENETRATES
Only in The Lankville Daily News
HADBAWNIK HAUNTED STAIRCASE COMPANY
The Hadbawnik Company is Lankville's #1 installer of haunted, brush-littered staircases. Friendly non-foreign staff! Call Western (Outer) Lankville, 2154 or 2198 today.
HADBAWNIK HAUNTED BRUSH PILES!
The Hadbawnik Haunted Staircase Company is now offering haunted brush piles for use on your staircase. Create eerie, supernal ambiance. Allow the brush to blow haphazardly in the wind, creates fear, foreboding. Call our friendly staff of white people at Western Lankville, 2154. Brush piles may contain other forms of yard debris.
HEY! WANT A MONKEY?
Hey! Want a live little monkey? They do cute things like climb into pumpkins. Call "The Captain"- Central Lankville Hills, 5264.
HOME DUMP Your Neighborhood Hardware Store 16 Lankville Locations!
Weekly Special: Primitive Forged Hooks. Buy 4, Get a Can of Paint. Or Maybe Not. You'll Just Have to Find Out.
INFLAMED BY STARS AND BLOOD
Lankville's Premier Science Fiction and Horror Magazine Now Appearing in The Lankville Daily News!
JOHNNY PADRES, OPTICIAN
Lankville has been relying on Dr. Johnny Padres for their optical needs since 1973. We offer a full service family eye care center and provide examinations for glasses and contacts and have a large display of designer, traditional and innovative eyewear for both regular prescription eyeglasses and sunglasses all of which will enable you to see TITS better. Call Lankville Business 2618-2.
LIFE LESSONS FUNERAL HOME
Life Lessons Funeral Home has been helping Lankville with dead people since 1932. Contact Eddie or Stummins, Lankville Business, 5-2161.
LOOK AT THESE BEAUTIES!
Really some of our best ever! Have you ever seen anything like it? Call Kelly (male) at Lankville Sound 2615.
MISSING
Missing: adult penguin. Christ, I just let him out in the yard for one minute and now he's gone. Responds to the name "Richard". Call Lankville Eastern Outlands, 5-6213.
NOW PLAYING!
The Unhinged: A New Film by Tom "Vapor" Rayford. Crisp Street Cinema, Eastern Lankville
PINEAPPLE CITY: A New Way of Being
Pineapple City is a new way of being, feeling and having your shirt off. Located in the distant, barren Lankville Pines, Pineapple City is now accepting applications for sheds. Call PINES, 2-5771.
THE PUZZLER
In the pie chart above, what segment represents a certain specific strata of the general population?
REAL ESTATE
Little shed for sale. With door, mailbox, dirt plot. Site of multiple murders but don't worry, they happened around back. To inquire, come to the shed. Go around back.
REAL ESTATE
Four acre lot in Eastern Lankville Cove Area. Price reduced! Site of a fireworks display in which several people fell out of their lawnchairs and died. Locals believe it haunted but that's crap. Call Cove 2751.
THE RECKONER EXACTRA 2.0 : A Danny Madison Product
It's Your Time: CALCULATE
SARAH SAMWAYS: CONTRIBUTING FEMALE
Exclusively in the Lankville Daily News (and some other papers).
SPEAKING ENGAGEMENT
Robin Brox will sit around and get progressively more intoxicated while listening to this other broad natter on about something. LANKVILLE REGIONAL AUDITORIUM, August 4, 11PM.
SPEAKING ENGAGEMENT CANCELED
The Dr. M. Chambers speech and candy-making event has been canceled again following Dr. Chambers' sudden collapse into some baskets. New date TBA
TRAVEL TIPS by Randy Hammers
The Kum Back Inn in the Lankville Desert Area has long been serving road-weary travelers. They feature a restaurant (with cocktails) and two spacious conference rooms. The Kum Back boasts 65 units-- each including window dressing, some chairs and a larger chair (seats two smallish children), a bed with orange comforter, a plastic trash can, clever paintings, and a windowless door. TV also available in 17 (sometimes 19) rooms. Most of the rooms are air-conditioned. Oscillating fans available upon request. Illuminated carports will protect your vehicle from the vicious sudden dust storms that often overtake the Desert Area and the wild thieves that occasionally parade across the landscape like some unmentionable horror. Call now at TU-0780 and ask for Bud or Karen (married).
UTILITY YARD SHEDS
The Lowinger Brothers offer great utility yard sheds at low prices. This one is haunted. Call Lankville Port Area 1072.
VACATION PACKAGES!
Spectacular vacations in campers by little mountains. Your cares will melt away but you will have to be careful of that shack (pictured). A lunatic lives there. Call Mercantile District 2711.
WRESTLING TONIGHT!
8PM, Southern Lankville Man-Arena. Featuring Ric "Wild Boy" Tipps (green trunks).
ZACH KEEBAUGH INVESTIGATIONS
Only in The Lankville Daily News
The Lankville Daily News 
LETTER SACK