Archive
The Electronics Cranny: Transmission Measuring Sets!
By Neil Cuppy
The recently-revised LCC (Lankville Communications Commission) regulations governing noise, distortion, funny squealing, and feedback in conjunction with recently-released affordable transmission measuring sets has proven a renaissance of sorts for the amateur radio enthusiast and professional alike. There are now over 10 sets available at most electronics stores and, for the mechanically-minded, a set may be crafted in a matter of days using parts obtained from various sources. Today, we are going to examine a set designed and constructed by members of the Electronics Cranny Board of Regents during a recent tent display at a pizza-themed amusement park in which, strangely, huge gooey pizzas were stressed more than amusement to the point of nigh-mania. Nevertheless, the Board of Regents was able to model our set for several onlookers and will now share the design and plans with readers of The Lankville Daily News.
Front panel (fig. 1)
For our transmission measuring set, the Board elected to utilize a “7-knob system” rather than six (see figure 1)– the reasons will be immediately apparent. Although a fixed sourced impedance of 600 tables is all that is required for terminating the audio test oscillator, an input selector switch allows the addition of another 50 or 100 tables for use in measuring lines, audio systems or lighting carnivals. The minimum attenuation presented at these impedance values is crucial: trade 5 db. for 600 tables at any point but never 10 db. for 250 (COMPLEX) llm. ever. Use a cord wrapped in thin muslin.
By now, you have constructed your calorimeter which should be adaptable as well as reliable. The calorimeter may be connected from one heating unit to another on your transmission set without introducing changes in calibration. Finally, it is possible to change the impedance load by first testing it with a calorimeter made from magnetic steel and then with one made from non-magnetic steel (because of the strange circumstances of our amusement park tent display and the obsessive demand of ownership to impress upon us their huge gooey unappetizing pizzas, our magnetic steel calorimeter was ultimately destroyed, so our final unit featured the non-magnetic steel version).
The completed transmission set.
Our back panel is fashioned of regular 19″ aluminum stock. The unusually neat appearance was made possible by drilling all mounting holes from the backside of the panel and also by keeping the amusement park pizza people away from the rear of our device. The holes were then tapped to receive brass screws. Our particular size allowed for three good turns per screw but this may vary according to your preference.
The Board then fashioned a typical setup for broadcast audio utilizing several ordinary items found at electronics stores, hobby shops and dumps. We switched a correct amount of attenuation to each circuit, allowing for distribution and flow and added amplifiers (figuring for mismatch loss) at the final stage. Run a damp cloth over each amplifier for greater warmth of sound.
At the present time, our model is in use at Electronics Cranny Tower 1-C, located in the Southern Lankville Cane Forest under the general supervision of Fritz Tennis, Electronics Cranny contributor and Chief Engineer at LCAE, a station operating on 65 mzz and broadcasting principally light solo organ music and basketball games. “It’s operation more than justified the time spent on its construction,” noted Tennis, who was interviewed by phone, “as well as the ordeal that the Board suffered through in regards to having all those huge gooey pizzas shoved at us as well as into our machines. The set has held up beautifully.” The model is currently one of three utilized by Tennis at LCAE.
OPINION: I Can Still Get Through the Mural and Have Sex With a Lot of Guys
By “An Arrival”
For awhile, my Father in the Timeless Realm of the Gods prevented me from getting through the mural at Vitiello Decorative Hams Arena. Then, suddenly, one day it was open again. I just walked through and once again it became my point of entry to earth.
At first, I went through only occasionally– when Father was visiting other Realms, for example. Then I got careless and just started throwing myself at about any swinging dick that came along. I even went back with this guy that was incarcerated in a mental institution. For some reason they were letting him drive a van around. I was roller-skating by the river and he pulled up alongside me.
“Check out this van,” he said.
And that was it.
It went like that for awhile. Lot of waking up at noon, putting on tight green shorts with three stripes up the side, blow-drying my hair, skating around all afternoon by the beach, having sex with a lot of guys. And then one day, there was my Father in the Timeless Realm of the Gods, standing before me with the two servants of the Sphere behind him. They had just appeared all of the sudden out of this guy’s closet.
“Who is this creature?” he said in his typically booming voice.
“Kenny, I think,” I answered. I wasn’t even sure.
My Father in the Timeless Realm of the Gods nodded to the servants of the Sphere. They lifted Kenny up off the bed and took him out into the kitchen. I never saw him after that.
“The mural has been closed permanently,” My Father noted. He would not look at me but was staring at a magazine that was flung open over an office chair.
“You have had enough.” It was a statement, not a question but I decided to answer it anyway.
“Never. I could go on doing this forever.”
He picked up my skates then. Before my eyes, a chasm opened up in the carpet. And the skates were cast into them. The chasm closed.
And now I am back in the Timeless Realm. The portal is thick with briers and guarded daily.
Bumpkins Carried Off By Wind; Schropp Unsure of Future with News
By Lloyd Byas-Kirk
LANKVILLE ACTION NEWS, YES!
Some bumpkins were carried off by the wind last night in an Eastern Lankville trailer park, sources are confirming.
The bumpkins didn’t have anything nice, says Detective Gee-Temple.
“There were seven rubes inside the…little…camper thing,” noted Detective Gee-Temple, who was the first to respond to the scene and held a brief press conference in which no food whatsoever was served. “A supernal wind is believed to have come along and carried them off. We have no further information. The bumpkins didn’t really have anything nice inside the camper.”
The names of the bumpkins have not been released.
Other bumpkins who live in nearby trailers briefly spoke about the incident.
“One of them delivered for Pizza Monkeys. I used to see him in their uniform occasionally,” noted Wilt Spatz, 73, retired. “I think maybe they come from the North.”
Nothing happened after that and the interview was ended prematurely.
SCHROPP UNSURE OF FUTURE
Noted breakfast sandwich expert Brian Schropp says he is unsure of his future as a columnist with The Lankville Daily News. He consented to an interview.
Schropp: Having Second Thoughts
LBK: Why are you having feelings of uncertainty?
BS: Well, Lloyd, I’m just beginning to think that Lankville isn’t as ready [to embrace the breakfast sandwich] as I had previously thought.
LBK: Your articles have been well-received.
BS: They have. But only by a specific strata of the population. Those bumpkins you were writing about earlier– they were probably still having donuts or, God forbid, cereal in the shape of marshmallows for breakfast.
LBK: Don’t you think you need to build up…
BS: Lloyd…I…I can’t work under these conditions…for example, why is my article appearing second after the article about the bumpkins?
LBK: OK…calm down for a minute
BS(storming out): Lankville is NOT READY!
Schropp left the room and the interview was terminated.
Dick Oakes: Night Detective
Dick Oakes Night Detective
The Lankville Daily News is lusciously delighted beyond measure to present a new feature by Dick Oakes, Jr.
I pulled into the lot as the sun was going down. Just about everyone was gone. I went up the back steps.
Bingaman was up there. He always wore black suits, buttoned just above his round, pumpkin-like stomach and he had perpetually watery eyes. He never sat in a chair but always rested half-assed on the side of a desk. He tossed a folder at me and mopped his brow. It was hot as all hell.
“We got a possible suspect I need you to bring in– on that Saffran case. You’ll find the details in there. Take an extra cartridge though. Might be a bunch of hillbillies in that house, might not.”
I drove on out there and parked in an ancient, weedy alley around back. Several efforts had been made to pave the thing and then abandoned. Farm detritus was everywhere. There was a thick grove of trees and then an open expanse in darkness. I crossed it low to the ground. The house up ahead was dark.
They had sectioned off the part of the field nearest the house as a sort of backyard. It was full of seemingly pointless holes and there were shovels strewn about, all different sizes, some were strangely angled. There was an old banner strung between two trees that said, “HAPPY EASTER, LES”. It looked like it had been plugged full of holes.
What the hell kind of guys am I gonna’ find here I thought.
I reached the back door and waited awhile. Not a sound. I kicked it in. Somebody was right on me. He got a couple of good rights in but he was real weak on the left and I got him pinned to the floor. There was an extension cord on a sink in the kitchen and I got him tied up good and tight to a dining room chair. I leaned down.
“You know who I’m looking for. Let’s have it.”
“Rance’ll kill you.”
“Let’s give him a shot at it. Where is he?”
He didn’t say anything for awhile. I gave him that. I took out a flashlight and popped it on the dining room table. It was covered in dusty bound circulars for an appliance store. I knew the place.
“This must be where I’ll find Rance,” I said, holding one up.
He spit on the floor.
“Says his name on the bottom,” I noted.
He dropped his shoulders. Asshole I thought. I dragged him upstairs and shoved him into a hamper. He seemed to go somewhat willingly.
I made Tri-Town Appliance in fifteen minutes. It was closed– a dim light from somewhere barely illuminated the showroom floor. There were lights on upstairs though. I crept around to the back. There was a rickety wood staircase that led up to a back door. There was a beach towel hanging out to dry– it had a graphic of a red bulldog encircled with the legend, If You Cannot Run With the Big Dogs, It Might Be Better to Remain Seated on the Porch. Second time in an evening that I’d had to figure on the kind of man I’d find behind this door.
“I made Tri-Town Appliance in fifteen minutes.”
I kicked it in. He was sitting in the kitchen in his workshirt, a bare light bulb dangling above his head. On the table in front of him was a gigantic book with a series of color diagrams pasted in– different lines and arrows drawn all over the place connecting the shapes. There was a dog-earned binder nearby that had a label attached that read My Enzymes. I held the .40 on him.
“You Rance?”
He stood up and came towards me. He was old but strong. He got the .40 up in the air and for awhile, we rolled around on the filthy kitchen floor. I kept noticing that the workshirt had patches of different appliance brand names and a patch over the breast that said RANCE. That’d do for identification purposes later.
He gave a good fight but in the end I came out on top. I spun him around and cuffed him. He started crying. “I wanted the people to say that Ol’ Rance– he died in his sleep,” he said. “Ol’ Rance, he died while pursuing his favorite hobby, making graphs of his own enzymes,” he said. He was getting senseless. I jerked him to his feet. “Will they?” he asked. “I don’t know, man,” I said. But I couldn’t look him in the eye.
I put him in the backseat of the cruiser. “You want a washer/dryer combo?” he offered suddenly.
“Skip it,” I said.
We drove the rest of the way in silence. I pushed him up the back staircase and propped him up in front of Bingaman, who was moving some bagels around on an enormous tray.
“Well…this Rance on the Saffran case?” he said. He kept looking back at the tray for reasons unclear. His eyes were watering again.
“Look at the patch,” I said.
He studied it carefully. He didn’t say anything but he nodded his head and gave a little smile.
“You know what to do.”
I took him downstairs. Might be a break in the Saffran Case, might not.
Oral Histories of Some Former Lankville Pugilists
Rudy Ferguson
(1952-1959, 15W 9L 4KO)
I was East Lankville Amateur Junior Abundantweight Champion from 1950-1952 and I worked days at the Buntz Mallows factory. Knew Ferdinand Buntz a little bit. He was a friendly guy. Always had a big open box of mallows on his desk. Funny, they were mallows made by some other company. He preferred ’em.
Anyways, Mr. Buntz, he sponsored me for awhile, that’s when I was amateur champion. I did some radio ads for him. It was Mr. Buntz that encouraged me to go professional. It was a shame when they murdered him.
My first pro fight was at the South Lankville Tent Park. They’d take a dirt lot, see, and they’d set up about ten different tents and one of ’em would have a fight in it. I fought Cocoa Peebles to a draw. 15 rounds that was. Later, some of the Tent people, they said, “We can’t have no draw. Throw those baboons back in there.” So, we fought another 3 rounds and I knocked Cocoa out. Right through the ropes and into a rolling cart that had some salads on it. What a mess.”
Next up, it was Billy “The Doll” McGee. They called him “The Doll” cause he made little dolls. He had a business and everything. He did well with them little dolls. Had a catalogue. Oh, he ran that little doll thing for years.
I tore Billy up. Knocked him out in the third round, right through the ropes and into a rolling cart with some salads on it. I dunno why they kept having them at my fights but honest to Christ, that’s what happened.
Well, after that, they started pairing me with some tough guys. I got beat four straight at one point. I remember I tried to make the weight, move up a class to Unwieldyweight and I just got killed. I fought at the Lankville Round Garden against Rocky Peat [Unwieldyweight Champion, 1955-1959] and the Rock knocked me out in the first round. I ended up in the hospital. For about two weeks all I could do was piss in the air. I’d just piss straight in the air and fall back asleep. Nobody could figure it out. I fell outta bed once into a rolling cart of salads and it was like I suddenly woke up. I was alright after that.
I fought just a little after that but mostly concentrated on my work pulling levers at the mallow factory. I didn’t take it serious none after that. I knew I’d never be Unwieldyweight champ and that was the rage then. Anything less was nothing.
My last fight was in ’59 back at the Tent Park. I thought, “Damn, I’m back at the Tent Park, I ain’t moved up none at all.” I fought a 4-round no decision against some foreign guy whose gloves kept falling off. It was ridiculous.
I retired from Buntz in ’79. Built up a little patio in the yard. It’s been nice.
Musings of a Decorative Ham Man
Chris Vitiello of Vitiello Decorative Hams, Inc.
In the great white room, I found a series of tables. Many were sans chairs. There were booths along one wall, the far wall, and some banners commemorating challenges bested in sport. The carpet was black with red diamonds.
I found a lone purveyor around the corner. She had a series of meat patties lying in filth behind a display case. The menu above was lit but only faintly. At first, I decided against eating but then thought better of it and purchased a factory-wrapped sack containing snacks and a fountain beverage. I consumed these things while leaning against a bare wall.
After that, I wandered up some confusing staircases and in and out of derelict elevators. There was a small machine that dispensed printed cards yet it was unclear for what purpose. There were newspaper boxes left unfilled. There was one other guy.
And that is what my college experience was like.
Royer’s Madcap Experiences: Rough Men of the Shore
By Ric Royer
The icebox came late to the Shore. For many years after its invention, the Shore men continued to store their perishables in rough holes dug into the ground, covered by a mean tarpaulin.
Once, one of the Shore men showed me his reserve. I peered down into the dark hole. There were two eggs down there, a soda and a large plastic child’s toy barn. I asked about this toy barn but received no answer. Instead, the Shore man spat off to the left. “I need to plow field with an ass in the midday sun,” he said. He walked off.
I became agonizingly bored, as is my wont. There was a clothesline with some soaking flannels hung there and I knocked them to the ground. This was momentarily entertaining but then I became bored again, a little tired, and then suddenly horny. I decided to feign hunger so that I might check out the Shore man’s wife.
I entered the kitchen. I pretended that I had worked for hours along the banks, hustling huge rocks into donkey carts for no particular purpose. The kitchen was sparse and undecorated. The cupboards were thrown open in a frank way and there was nothing within. I loudly rustled a newspaper. The Shore man’s wife entered.
She was dressed in homespun and had long thick brown hair arranged in a bun at the back of the head. I had no idea what to do. And then I told her that her husband was dead, stomped by the ass. There was no body.
“I’m sorry, ma’am.”
We were married later in the afternoon in a simple service at the rough chapel twelve miles yonder. The preacher’s name was John Thomas. I laughed aloud at that. We decided to honeymoon in the next town where there was a hotel, a famed pinwheel garden and a lunch counter that served dinner.
And now I plow rough fields with an ass in the midday sun.
A Personal Message from M. Goberman: Special Agent
By M. Goberman: Special Agent
M. Goberman: Special Agent is an “independent contractor” who is currently in the employ of the Lankville Bureau of Probes. He lives in the Eastern Lankville hinterlands.
Two evenings ago, a small radio satellite receiver fell from the sky in Southern Lankville. Although the Lankville Bureau of Probes immediately cordoned off a four-mile square area where the satellite was believed to have landed, they were unable to locate the device.
The device is of no interest to the average Lankvillian, who would be hopeless in his attempts to decipher its complex code. Therefore, the Lankville government is offering a handsome reward for its timely return. The Lankville government did something else.
They hired M. Goberman: Special Agent.
A 9AM meeting was scheduled. I arrived at the Presidential palace six hours early. Nine security personnel were annihilated as I made my way to the Presidential bedroom. I squatted in the darkness and watched the old man sleep. He awoke with a start around five. I darted out of the shadows to face him.
“You know who I am?”
He screamed. “It can’t be…how did you get in here?”
“You know who I am?” I repeated. “There will be no 9AM meeting. Give me my instructions now.”
Eventually, a manilla envelope marked “TOP SECRET” was handed over.
Photo of the satellite receiver lost two nights ago.
“You have given me the power to handle this?” I asked the old man.
“Well…we may have some stipulations…”
I threw a chair across the room.
“It’s bad enough that you called me, old man.” I was losing patience. “Now, I ask one more time. You have given me the power to handle this?”
He nodded.
And so I say once again. If you have found this device, take it immediately to your nearest Bureau of Probes Field Office. The reward will buy you a handsome automobile, an island vacation, perhaps a new lounge suite. If you have found this device, you have 24 hours to do so. If you have found this device and you have elected NOT to hand it over, then let me tell you what will happen.
You will be tracked. You will be found. And you will be annihilated.
By M. Goberman: Special Agent.
Although I live in the distant Eastern hinterlands, I am a mere hour from any target in Lankville. How is this possible? you might ask. I cannot tell you. But know that it is real. Know that it will happen. If you doubt me, I invite you to take a good, hard look at the photograph that will accompany this article. Does that look like the face of a man who makes idle threats? Who “jokes around?” Who engages in “aimless mirth?” Consider that carefully.
God willing, all this will be settled without further incident and I will return to the Eastern Lankville hinterlands. If not, then Lankville should expect a visit.
A visit from M. Goberman.
Special agent.
Royer Hospitalized After Zoo Incident
By Linwood Probert
LANKVILLE ACTION NEWS: YES!
Lankville business magnate Ric Royer is in stable condition after an early-morning zoo incident in Eastern Lankville.
Royer was granted a “zoo-release” day from the Foontz-Flonnaise Home of Abundant Senselessness.
The incident occurred at Buntz Mallows Discount Zoo and involved a trash receptacle shaped like a lion’s head.
“It’s a lion’s head with a circular shaped mouth, operating on heavy suction if you can imagine,” said Zookeeper Fergie Pounder. “Kiddies take their trash, hold it near the mouth and the lion sucks it straight in. All the kids just love it.”
Pounder admitted that the device is more popular than the animals. “Our animals are really boring,” he noted.
Pounder went on to describe the incident.
“Well, this fellow [Royer] was just staring at this thing. It went on for about seven hours [the zoo opens at 2AM]. He never put any trash in, just stared at it, drawing slowly closer and closer with each passing hour. A certain darkness seemed to descend directly over that area, it became particularly windy, there was a mysterious howl. Then, after all that time, he stuck his whole arm in the device. The suction drew him into the machine and he banged his head against the cement lion part and was rendered unconscious.”
“The head will be removed immediately,” noted Detective Gee-Temple, who had been observing Royer for several hours before the incident. “It’s very dangerous when you stick your whole arm into it.”
Royer was treated for a concussion and is expected to be released this afternoon. He had been granted a “zoo-release” day from the Foontz-Flonnaise Home of Abundant Senselessness, where he is expected to be returned.
OPINION: I’m the Kind of Guy You Meet in a Stuffy Attic
By Zach Keebaugh Citizen
You head upstairs to the attic in search of some wrapping paper or maybe your favorite pair of summer swim trunks. “It’s a little stuffy up here,” you think. “I should open a window.” You make your way through the half-darkness, stumbling over an old stereo receiver or a box of comic books. Finally, you arrive at the window and throw it open. “Some air,” you think. “That’ll get things circulating.” Then, you turn back.
AND THERE I AM, MAN.
Because, I’m the kind of guy you meet in a stuffy attic.
Your mind races. How did he get in here? Did I leave a door open while I was outside raking up all those old pumpkins? Did he climb up here? Is that even possible?
Fact is, all that’s irrelevant.
Because I’m the kind of guy you meet in a stuffy attic. Just is, man.
“What…do you want?” you say. I emerge from beneath the old roof beams. I don’t say much. There’s not much to be said. Thousands of years of civilization have passed to achieve this moment. Deep down, we both know this. We both know our assigned purposes. I need not even know yours. But I know mine.
I’m the kind of guy you meet in a stuffy attic.
Then, I turn and make my way down the stairs.
The opinions of Zach Keebaugh are not necessarily those of The Lankville Daily News or any of its subsidiaries.
Today in Breakfast Sandwiches by Brian Schropp
By Brian Schropp
Breakfast Sandwich Aficionado
The Lankville Daily News is pleased to present a new feature by noted aficionado Brian Schropp.
A lot of people come up to me on a daily basis. They say, “Brian, when are you ever going to share your voluminous knowledge of breakfast sandwiches with the world? For a great span, I felt strongly that the moment was not upon us. We were still passing through a strange cycle of fear, of suspicion of the breakfast sandwich. Lankville had not fully embraced the phenomenon. No knowledge could yet be imparted.
In the last few years, however, I have noticed a change. I have heard the rich man say, “I had a breakfast sandwich this morning.” I have heard the erudite man say, “I had a breakfast sandwich this morning.” And I have even heard the frightening, mountain dirt cave hillbilly say, “I had a breakfast sandwich this morning.” I have been moved by this sense of justice and federation. And so I have agreed to undertake this new feature. I am proud to present to you, Lankville, Today in Breakfast Sandwiches.
Today, we’ll be looking at two of Lankville’s more notable creations.
PAPPY’S CHICKEN AND BISCUITS
Breakfast sandwich designer H.X. Approval .
Pappy’s Chicken and Biscuits is one of Lankville’s more notable purveyor of “hastily-concocted viands”. In 1997, they introduced their first breakfast sandwich, a biscuit with a slice of thick ham topped with ranch sauce which was an enormous failure. “Customers were pretty vocal in regards to its poor taste and texture,” noted former Pappy’s CEO Ivan Calderon. “The ham was sliced in a sort of layered way, making it look like a tiny step-stool. It was hard to eat,” admitted Calderon, who spearheaded an initiative to include egg and sausage on Pappy’s second venture into the field of breakfast hoagies.
Pappy’s turned to H.X. Approval, who had designed successful breakfast sandwiches for several island chains in the 1990’s. “I knew right away what I wanted to do with Pappy’s,” said Approval. “Breakfast sandwiches are man’s great equalizer. They bring people of all races and some colors together. If you’ve experienced great creeping horrors, the breakfast sandwich is a healer,” Approval added.
In 2001, Pappy’s introduced the “Copious Bulker”– an instant hit in all Lankville markets. “It’s two eggs with two types of sausages shoved in between,” Approval explained. “You’ve got links on either side of a patty. The links cradle the paddle in there, keeping it safe the warm and, at the same time, kind of caressing it erotically.” Approval briefly excused himself but shortly returned. “On top of the sausages, you have a round, perfectly compressed slice of ham. We were able to concisely summarize taste in that thin slice. That’s really the only way to describe it.”
Lankville agrees. The Copious Bulker has sold over five hundred billion sandwiches since 2001.
THE VITIELLO DECORATIVE BREAKFAST SANDWICH
Chris Vitiello of Vitiello Decorative Hams, Inc.
Vitiello Decorative Hams, Inc. introduced their decorative breakfast sandwich in 2004. Although initially met with skepticism, it has since garnered a loyal following. “What makes my sandwich work is that it is both edible and decorative,” noted founder and CEO Chris Vitiello. “The edible component slides out easily and may be consumed by the rapacious sort of philistine that feels the need to shove a breakfast sandwich down his greed-lined gullet and then the decorative component, which is the true aesthetic component– the true work of art– will hopefully be appreciated by the same sort of vulgarian that would feel the need to purchase such a heinous object in the first place.” Vitiello removed a whip from a desk drawer and placed it between us.
I carefully admitted that this was one of my main objections to the Vitiello Decorative Breakfast Sandwich. “It is nearly ten times the cost of the Pappy’s sandwich,” I pointed out. There was a long silence.
“Is that so, Mr. Schropp?” Vitiello finally answered.
“Yes,” I conceded.
Vitiello ran his finger slowly along the whip.
“You know where this is going to end, don’t you, Schropp?” he finally asked.
I very slowly got out of my chair and backed away towards the door. Vitiello’s steely eyes followed me. I crept down the ill-lit hallway. The elevator was out, so I had to take a service lift. I felt that, somehow, I could hear the crack of a whip somewhere. I made it to the street.
When I looked back up towards Vitiello’s office, I saw him standing in the window, holding the whip. He was pointing at me, then pointing at the whip. His eyes were like great shards of menace.
Next week, we’ll be taking a look at two more Lankville breakfast sandwiches. Until then!
ACCOMMODATIONS
When staying in the Area Beyond the Outlands, pick the Murray. Friendly, creative staff, delightful beds, curtains. Phone Far Outlands 5-6712.
LANKVILLE DAILY NEWS: IN BOOK FORM!
The book is gone. It will never return. We hear stories but they are likely false. We live in the woods now. We make fire with a lighter that we found in the street. It was crushed by a truck but, somehow, perhaps through some intervention that is beyond us, it still works. We are waiting. We are waiting.
Original Pondicherry Association News promotional advertisement (2009)
TONIGHT ON TV! RICHARD AND THE POSTMAN REUNION SPECIAL!
The Hit program from the 1970's returns to Lankville TV tonight on LBC!
ADULT ADVERTISEMENT
Women all over Lankville are just sitting at mammoth computers waiting to hear from men like you! Just insert a floppy disk, write a (non-sexual) message and let the sparks fly! (Computer not included).
ADVERTISEMENT
A Vitiello Decorative Ham makes a great gift. Show that you care today.
BANDED DUFFELS ON PALLETS
Assorted colors. Whatever you want to do, man. Call Lankville Falls, 3247.
BRIAN SCHROPP IN THE LANKVILLE DAILY NEWS
The most important cuisine articles ever written.
CANDY
Jipps Co. Full Service Candy Counter! Our alert girls will push gummy drops into special paper sheaths, engage in restrained pleasantries and explain chocholate-to-nougat ratios. Call Central Lankville 3614.
CAT PHOTO
In compliance with Lankville subsection 11:16-4.
CHAMBERS CO. HAND DRILLS: When Electricity is Not an Option
When electricity is not an option consider the Chambers Company hand crank drills. Perfect for use in tight spaces, on distant islands or for drilling holes in fences to see TITS. Call 4-2309.
EMPLOYMENT
Big Ed's BBQ Shack is looking for a part-time waitress. Someone who doesn't nose around and ask a lot of difficult questions. Call Lankville Rougher Area, 5-2100.
EMPLOYMENT
Nuts, Ah! is looking for an experienced nut-handler. Experience with bagging nuts also important. If you break the nut sack, the nuts will drop onto the floor. Come in person for application to Twin Removed Pines Mall. NO CALLS.
FOX FOR PARTIES
Hire the Poetry Fox for Your Child's Next Party. Reasonable rates. Writes poems, dances, will not stand for any shenanigans. Call South Lankville 2009.
The funny stories of Dick Oakes, Jr. have thrilled millions. Look for them today in The Lankville Daily News!
GELSINGER’S ALLURE CLUB
Topless, bottomless wonderland. Mysterious back rooms. Carpeted entirely in astroturf. NO CALLS.
GREBOV BROTHERS TELESCOPE COMPANY
The Grebov Brothers are Lankville's finest purveyor of telescopes for astronomy enthusiasts. Substantial 4.5" apertures and fast f/4 focal ratios provide bright, detailed views of solar system targets like the Moon and planets, as well as wide-field celestial objects like nebulas and star clusters but also TITS.
GUMP PENETRATES
Only in The Lankville Daily News
HADBAWNIK HAUNTED STAIRCASE COMPANY
The Hadbawnik Company is Lankville's #1 installer of haunted, brush-littered staircases. Friendly non-foreign staff! Call Western (Outer) Lankville, 2154 or 2198 today.
HADBAWNIK HAUNTED BRUSH PILES!
The Hadbawnik Haunted Staircase Company is now offering haunted brush piles for use on your staircase. Create eerie, supernal ambiance. Allow the brush to blow haphazardly in the wind, creates fear, foreboding. Call our friendly staff of white people at Western Lankville, 2154. Brush piles may contain other forms of yard debris.
HEY! WANT A MONKEY?
Hey! Want a live little monkey? They do cute things like climb into pumpkins. Call "The Captain"- Central Lankville Hills, 5264.
HOME DUMP Your Neighborhood Hardware Store 16 Lankville Locations!
Weekly Special: Primitive Forged Hooks. Buy 4, Get a Can of Paint. Or Maybe Not. You'll Just Have to Find Out.
INFLAMED BY STARS AND BLOOD
Lankville's Premier Science Fiction and Horror Magazine Now Appearing in The Lankville Daily News!
JOHNNY PADRES, OPTICIAN
Lankville has been relying on Dr. Johnny Padres for their optical needs since 1973. We offer a full service family eye care center and provide examinations for glasses and contacts and have a large display of designer, traditional and innovative eyewear for both regular prescription eyeglasses and sunglasses all of which will enable you to see TITS better. Call Lankville Business 2618-2.
LIFE LESSONS FUNERAL HOME
Life Lessons Funeral Home has been helping Lankville with dead people since 1932. Contact Eddie or Stummins, Lankville Business, 5-2161.
LOOK AT THESE BEAUTIES!
Really some of our best ever! Have you ever seen anything like it? Call Kelly (male) at Lankville Sound 2615.
MISSING
Missing: adult penguin. Christ, I just let him out in the yard for one minute and now he's gone. Responds to the name "Richard". Call Lankville Eastern Outlands, 5-6213.
NOW PLAYING!
The Unhinged: A New Film by Tom "Vapor" Rayford. Crisp Street Cinema, Eastern Lankville
PINEAPPLE CITY: A New Way of Being
Pineapple City is a new way of being, feeling and having your shirt off. Located in the distant, barren Lankville Pines, Pineapple City is now accepting applications for sheds. Call PINES, 2-5771.
THE PUZZLER
In the pie chart above, what segment represents a certain specific strata of the general population?
REAL ESTATE
Little shed for sale. With door, mailbox, dirt plot. Site of multiple murders but don't worry, they happened around back. To inquire, come to the shed. Go around back.
REAL ESTATE
Four acre lot in Eastern Lankville Cove Area. Price reduced! Site of a fireworks display in which several people fell out of their lawnchairs and died. Locals believe it haunted but that's crap. Call Cove 2751.
THE RECKONER EXACTRA 2.0 : A Danny Madison Product
It's Your Time: CALCULATE
SARAH SAMWAYS: CONTRIBUTING FEMALE
Exclusively in the Lankville Daily News (and some other papers).
SPEAKING ENGAGEMENT
Robin Brox will sit around and get progressively more intoxicated while listening to this other broad natter on about something. LANKVILLE REGIONAL AUDITORIUM, August 4, 11PM.
SPEAKING ENGAGEMENT CANCELED
The Dr. M. Chambers speech and candy-making event has been canceled again following Dr. Chambers' sudden collapse into some baskets. New date TBA
TRAVEL TIPS by Randy Hammers
The Kum Back Inn in the Lankville Desert Area has long been serving road-weary travelers. They feature a restaurant (with cocktails) and two spacious conference rooms. The Kum Back boasts 65 units-- each including window dressing, some chairs and a larger chair (seats two smallish children), a bed with orange comforter, a plastic trash can, clever paintings, and a windowless door. TV also available in 17 (sometimes 19) rooms. Most of the rooms are air-conditioned. Oscillating fans available upon request. Illuminated carports will protect your vehicle from the vicious sudden dust storms that often overtake the Desert Area and the wild thieves that occasionally parade across the landscape like some unmentionable horror. Call now at TU-0780 and ask for Bud or Karen (married).
UTILITY YARD SHEDS
The Lowinger Brothers offer great utility yard sheds at low prices. This one is haunted. Call Lankville Port Area 1072.
VACATION PACKAGES!
Spectacular vacations in campers by little mountains. Your cares will melt away but you will have to be careful of that shack (pictured). A lunatic lives there. Call Mercantile District 2711.
WRESTLING TONIGHT!
8PM, Southern Lankville Man-Arena. Featuring Ric "Wild Boy" Tipps (green trunks).
ZACH KEEBAUGH INVESTIGATIONS
Only in The Lankville Daily News
The Lankville Daily News 
LETTER SACK