Archive
Gump Penetrates
Gump Tibbs
It’s time for another penetrating interview with Gump Tibbs. Today, Gump interviews Scott, Pizza-A-Round manager and author of the bestselling “The Pizza Trade”.
GUMP: So, Scott, you have that little area in the paper where they talked about your new book?
S: Yeah man, that goofy employee of mine who writes about food and all that shit is helping me get the word out. He put out his own book recently which was a hit. I thought if someone that awkward with so little real life experience can make it work so could I. Three honest to fuckin’ God true stories, ‘The Trade’,’The Love’,and ‘The Passion’. Aren’t those titles like some damn poetry or somethin’?
GUMP: What a wonderful thing! Do you often write books?
S: Not so much writing, I just talk about my life and the business while Bri records it on one of those micro tape things. He then goes home and writes it all up on some fuckin’ computer program. Me, I ain’t got time to write it all down and shit. Bri really doesn’t mind doing the work and really loves it when I talk about the old days of the pizza trade. I think he likes to live through me in the stories. Sorta like how a poodle sees an alpha male wolf and thinks ‘shit man, I really want to be like that.’
GUMP: Such a pleasure! Is it hard to write books?
S: No way man, once the drink starts flowing and I’m in the backseat of my Neptune with some sweet trailer honey, everything I’m going to tell Bri the next day just sorta comes to me. It also helps smoking a few joints and having 103.5 ‘The Hammer’ cranked up. What a kick ass station, best damn bands.
Scott relaxing at home.
GUMP: What a delight! What is it like running a pharmacy? And why?
S: What the fuck are you talking about?
GUMP: Oh, my! Do you think your book will make people like pizza more?
S: I say it in the book and it’s so goddamn true, it’s a very rough business to be in. Most people have no clue what goes on and would probably shit themselves if they had to be in my shoes. I only hope my book shows how true I am to the business and that if you are going to order from the ‘Pizza-A-Round’ you will be getting a halfway decent pie.
GUMP: How exciting! If a customer dropped his pizza on the floor, would you give him another?
S: Depends if the dude has any more money. Ain’t got time for tears or refunds.
GUMP: Have you ever been mad and punched a pizza?
S: I’ve punched many faces but never a pizza. A pizza is a very sacred thing. I once had some joker work for me who thought he was the shit. Anyway, he lost his cool during a dinner rush and I could tell by the look in his eyes that he was thinking about punching a pizza he was making. Choked the motherfucker out before it got that far.
GUMP: Sensational! I’m going to fire some guns into a hill. Want to join me?
S: You gotta do what floats your fuckin’ boat. I got a hot one and a bottle of whiskey waiting for me in the back of my car. See ya’ around!
Gump Penetrates
Gump Tibbs
It’s time for another penetrating interview with Gump Tibbs. Today, Gump interviews Lankville Daily News correspondent and Men’s Feelings Expert Dr. Kevin Thurston.
GUMP: So, Dr. Thurston, you have that little area in the paper where you write about men’s feelings?
KT: Thank you, Mister Fump. I do, occasionally, have an area where I write about how to reach inward so that eventually they can reach outward. However, I no longer believe in paper, so I only read online. That is to say, I’m not sure how much area I have in square inches.
GUMP: Absolutely wonderful! Do all men have feelings?
Dr. Thurston (left) with the men’s.
KT: If you think of a number, men have at least that many feelings. If you think of a number, or perhaps a price is a better word, I will beat it. For example, on a leading national online retailer there is an exercise ball that is rated up to 2000lbs with a pump for $21.83. Not only is 2000lbs worth of feelings plenty of feelings, but it becomes even easier to unload your feelings on an exercise ball when you are paying $19.78.
GUMP: That’s just fabulous! Do women have feelings? And why?
KT:
GUMP: What a delight! Can feelings be passed on? Is that what ghosts are?
KT: There is a cycle that can occur from one man to another. Often the other man will be a son, but a neighboring boy will do.
GUMP: How do you see men’s feelings in 20 years time?
KT: Why, Mister Frump, feelings are an abstract concept, you can’t see them!
GUMP: Just exceptional! I hope we’re all alive in 20 years. Do you think we will be?
KT: On a long enough timeline, the survival rate for everyone drops to zero.
GUMP: Sensational! I’m going to fire some guns into the reservoir– want to come along?
KT: I have a great deal on some ammunitions.
Gump Penetrates
Gump Tibbs
It’s time for another penetrating interview with Gump Tibbs. Today, Gump interviews Lankville Daily News correspondent and gourd aficionado Dr. David Hadbawnik.
GUMP: So, Dave, you have that little area in the paper where you write about gourds?
DH: That’s right. One day I was driving with the family through the Lankville Glens, passing by roadside stands selling fresh fruits and vegetables and ammunition, and we pulled over to choose a weapon for the kids. And there on a little woebegone table off to the side was a meager selection of gourds. It made me angry, you know? Like gourds are some kind of afterthought, almost an embarrassment. Well, not to me they’re not! That’s when I realized I had to do something. I started with skywriting. But I wanted something more interactive, so I began holding workshops. Now the workshops operate as a sort of ongoing “knowledge community,” in which we discover together that gourds are not just a neglected food item, or even a fetish object or fashion accessory, but a whole way of life. And from that, I generate ideas for the Lankville columns.
GUMP: Excellent! And you write about other things besides gourds?
Dr. David Hadbawnik
DH: Yes. Gourds have been a gateway to so many other things. I now consider myself a “budding” expert on other neglected plants, such as legumes, radishes, yams… Keep an eye out for my upcoming coffee-table book, Tubers and Taproots and Bulbs: Oh My! It will be out soon from Lankville Editions.
GUMP: That’s just fabulous. You’re a doctor now too. What kind of medicine do you practice?
DH: I haven’t decided yet; the possibilities really are endless – cardiology, homeopathy, astrology – and I’d like to try different things before I settle down with a specialty. For the moment, I consider myself an “intuitive” doctor. That means I’ll be out and about just kind of letting my mind wander, getting into a nice, foggy Zen state, and I’ll sense that someone nearby is having some discomfort from an ailment and go over and offer to help them. Often this takes the form of an impromptu massage; sometimes a round of staring at the affected area. People are always grateful!
GUMP: Now, Dave, I heard you celebrated with a dinner at Casa Montecristo? Pretty posh!
DH: My wife and I loved Casa Montecristo before it became so popular with the crème de la crème of Lankville, back when it was simply known as a Respectable Dining Venue. Now – sigh – it’s an Elegant Reception Hall. But we still love it, and Deejay Humphrey always plays our favorite song, “The Rose of Lankville.”
GUMP: Absolutely wonderful! How do you have time to do anything else what with gourds and medicine?
DH: I don’t know! But when gourds are your life, the time really just flies by, and it’s not work, it’s fun. If I weren’t being paid so much to do it, I’d do it for free!
GUMP: Just exceptional! I’m going to go fire some guns into the river– want to come along?
DH: I thought you’d never ask, Mr. Gump!
Gump Penetrates
By Gump Tibbs
It’s time for another penetrating interview with Gump Tibbs. Today, Gump interviews contributing female Sarah Samways.
GT: So, you have that little area in the paper where you are a female who contributes?
SS: Yes, I started out covering the economics/business section but it quickly grew into other things like interviewing old ladies in the middle of nowhere who would push me into empty pickle barrels. It’s been quite the rush!
GT: Absolutely fascinating! Do you often contribute?
Samways in the Snow. It’s been snowing a lot.
SS: I contribute as much as possible. If I’m not eating, sleeping, or wrestling with condiments, I’m contributing. Lankville is an interesting place with lots of people begging for their stories to be told. It’s a journalistic endeavor that I’m proud to be a part of.
GT: Wait, they beg?
SS: Actually, they kind of demand it. People often see my press badge and will come up to me on the street and they won’t stop talking until I promise to write something about them. Lankville’s citizens aren’t shy in the least.
GT: (laughs) They really aren’t! What other things do you contribute to?
SS: Right now I maintain a digital workstation at SARAHSAMWAYS.COM where I take a break from the hard-hitting news that Lankville provides, and focus on sad-girl-poetry. Ya know, it’s something to do.
GT: Really terrific! You won a trophy a few months back. How did that feel?
SS: Amazing! I really wasn’t expecting it. I mean, now I always have a speech prepared wherever I go just in case hell freezes over again. But really, it was super fantastic!
GT: Just fabulous! You have a lot of wonderful adventures. Do you want to go fire guns into some old cars at the dump?
SS: It would be an honor!
Tibbs and Samways ran off and the interview was ended prematurely.
The Incident in the Woods: An Investigative Report
By Sarah Samways
Lankville Daily News’ Contributing Female hits the streets in search of answers.
Lankville, your safety is important to me – I want you to know that. Your privacy is too, I suppose. The state of your mental health is a concern I have from time to time, if there’s nothing good on television. So when I heard there was an incident in The Woods, I was determined to get to the bottom of it. I interviewed several Lankvillians on the scene but I wasn’t getting any straight answers. When asked about the incident, a group of teenagers shrugged their shoulders. An unidentified man on a bicycle claimed he had heard an explosion of some sort but this could not be corroborated with police reports.
“Not a thing is singed,” said Detective Gee Temple, as he jumped into a pile of leaves. “We’ll take some samples of these leaves I’ve just jumped into but otherwise, I’m not seeing anything suspicious,” the intrepid detective added.
Gee-Temple: “…I’m not seeing anything suspicious.”
Others claimed there was a flood and it ruined all the crops. An elderly couple said that they had seen a young man skipping stones and playing hopscotch. I asked how this was suspicious. “I didn’t care for his haircut,” noted Leslie Smithereens, 89. Her husband, Doe, 76, nodded in agreement. A burly man said he had seen “…the light at the end of the tunnel.” A quiet weirdo avoided making eye contact at all costs but whispered, what now I can only assume to be the secret of life, in my ear, and then skipped off down the road carrying a basket of flowers. I was getting nowhere; why was I here?
I would get closer to the truth when I came across an old woman, creaking back and forth in a rocking chair on an open and termite-bitten-porch. She invited me to sit “for a spell and drink sweet tea.” I accepted the invitation. Her name was Josephine Liliweather.
SS: What exactly happened here? I’m getting all kinds of stories.
JL: Yeah, that’ll happen…You from outta town?
SS: Kind of…I’m new to the city but I’m quite familiar with The Woods. I’ve lived here from time to time.
JL: Well, it takes time. Everything and nothing happened out here. Everything and nothing.
SS: It seems some people are upset –
JL: What about that girl who disappeared?
SS: What? I hadn’t heard that –
JL: Oh, I doubt you ever will!
Ms. Liliweather then splashed hot sweet tea in my eyes, threw me off the porch and rolled me down a hill in one of those old fashioned wooden barrels. It smelled of pickles and it was disgusting. The interview was ended prematurely, but set for a later date yet to be determined.
Gump Penetrates
By Gump Tibbs
It’s time for another penetrating interview with Gump Tibbs. Today, Gump interviews cuisine columnist Brian Schropp.
GT: So, Bri, you have that little column in the paper where you write about foods?
BS: Indeed I do!! I’m trying to get out and review as many places as possible but certain circumstances make it hard. I’ve been told by certain family members that I’m a “nightmare behind the wheel”, so I stopped trying to get a regular license. I do have a “Lankville Semi-Provisional Scooter License” but my scooter keeps getting stolen by neighborhood ne’er-do-wells (or sometimes super squirrels). My good friend Trucker Joe gives me a lift here and there if he isn’t “big riggin'” down the Interstates. I’m trying to review all the hot spots readers might not of heard about yet. Well, either brand new popular spots or places that have some sort of breakfast sandwich or nacho cheese or canned meat option. Well, now that I think about it maybe not so much new and popular places, just places with the other stuff.
GT: Absolutely fascinating! Do you eat all kinds of foods?
Brian Schropp: “I Eat What I Personally Call “The New Suburban Soul Food”.
BS: I eat what I personally call the “new suburban soul food.” In particular, breakfast sandwiches and all their endless delightful possibilities. Something about eating them brings peace to my otherwise “raging, explosively-unbalanced soul”.
GT: How many foods [sic] groups are there?
BS: So many!! In the breakfast sandwich biscuit group alone you have many sub-groups. Tender (my personal favorite), frozen, fresh frozen, organic, high-rising, low-rising, International and then some of those sub-groups have their own sub-groups. Trying to wrap your head around them all can be as challenging as high school algebra (or so I hear– I graduated by completing business math). I guess that’s why you have food critics like myself, to help make sense of it all.
GT: You always say “Happy Eating” at the end of your articles. Do you think there are people who are unhappy?
BS: I think we all sit in our “basement apartments” and cry wearing only our boxer shorts sometimes.
GT: Do you think these unhappy people would be happier if they were eating? And why?
BS: I truly believe Gump that people who eat what I call “new suburban soul food” can lift their minds and spirits out of the dark places. Some people need to worship gods or use charms and crystals, you know all that new-agey type of stuff. But are they really fulfilled? Are they really one with the cosmos? I’ve achieved that and more just on nacho cheese alone.
GT: Really terrific. You have a lot of exciting adventures. Do you want to go fire some guns into the woods?
BS: Can we shoot them off in the woods behind Hank Cameron’s (Manager of Foodville) house? He gets really freaked out when myself and members of the BSU (Breakfast Sandwich Underground) blow stuff up back there.
(The two men suddenly darted off and the interview was ended prematurely).
ACCOMMODATIONS
When staying in the Area Beyond the Outlands, pick the Murray. Friendly, creative staff, delightful beds, curtains. Phone Far Outlands 5-6712.
LANKVILLE DAILY NEWS: IN BOOK FORM!
The book is gone. It will never return. We hear stories but they are likely false. We live in the woods now. We make fire with a lighter that we found in the street. It was crushed by a truck but, somehow, perhaps through some intervention that is beyond us, it still works. We are waiting. We are waiting.
Original Pondicherry Association News promotional advertisement (2009)
TONIGHT ON TV! RICHARD AND THE POSTMAN REUNION SPECIAL!
The Hit program from the 1970's returns to Lankville TV tonight on LBC!
ADULT ADVERTISEMENT
Women all over Lankville are just sitting at mammoth computers waiting to hear from men like you! Just insert a floppy disk, write a (non-sexual) message and let the sparks fly! (Computer not included).
ADVERTISEMENT
A Vitiello Decorative Ham makes a great gift. Show that you care today.
BANDED DUFFELS ON PALLETS
Assorted colors. Whatever you want to do, man. Call Lankville Falls, 3247.
BRIAN SCHROPP IN THE LANKVILLE DAILY NEWS
The most important cuisine articles ever written.
CANDY
Jipps Co. Full Service Candy Counter! Our alert girls will push gummy drops into special paper sheaths, engage in restrained pleasantries and explain chocholate-to-nougat ratios. Call Central Lankville 3614.
CAT PHOTO
In compliance with Lankville subsection 11:16-4.
CHAMBERS CO. HAND DRILLS: When Electricity is Not an Option
When electricity is not an option consider the Chambers Company hand crank drills. Perfect for use in tight spaces, on distant islands or for drilling holes in fences to see TITS. Call 4-2309.
EMPLOYMENT
Big Ed's BBQ Shack is looking for a part-time waitress. Someone who doesn't nose around and ask a lot of difficult questions. Call Lankville Rougher Area, 5-2100.
EMPLOYMENT
Nuts, Ah! is looking for an experienced nut-handler. Experience with bagging nuts also important. If you break the nut sack, the nuts will drop onto the floor. Come in person for application to Twin Removed Pines Mall. NO CALLS.
FOX FOR PARTIES
Hire the Poetry Fox for Your Child's Next Party. Reasonable rates. Writes poems, dances, will not stand for any shenanigans. Call South Lankville 2009.
The funny stories of Dick Oakes, Jr. have thrilled millions. Look for them today in The Lankville Daily News!
GELSINGER’S ALLURE CLUB
Topless, bottomless wonderland. Mysterious back rooms. Carpeted entirely in astroturf. NO CALLS.
GREBOV BROTHERS TELESCOPE COMPANY
The Grebov Brothers are Lankville's finest purveyor of telescopes for astronomy enthusiasts. Substantial 4.5" apertures and fast f/4 focal ratios provide bright, detailed views of solar system targets like the Moon and planets, as well as wide-field celestial objects like nebulas and star clusters but also TITS.
GUMP PENETRATES
Only in The Lankville Daily News
HADBAWNIK HAUNTED STAIRCASE COMPANY
The Hadbawnik Company is Lankville's #1 installer of haunted, brush-littered staircases. Friendly non-foreign staff! Call Western (Outer) Lankville, 2154 or 2198 today.
HADBAWNIK HAUNTED BRUSH PILES!
The Hadbawnik Haunted Staircase Company is now offering haunted brush piles for use on your staircase. Create eerie, supernal ambiance. Allow the brush to blow haphazardly in the wind, creates fear, foreboding. Call our friendly staff of white people at Western Lankville, 2154. Brush piles may contain other forms of yard debris.
HEY! WANT A MONKEY?
Hey! Want a live little monkey? They do cute things like climb into pumpkins. Call "The Captain"- Central Lankville Hills, 5264.
HOME DUMP Your Neighborhood Hardware Store 16 Lankville Locations!
Weekly Special: Primitive Forged Hooks. Buy 4, Get a Can of Paint. Or Maybe Not. You'll Just Have to Find Out.
INFLAMED BY STARS AND BLOOD
Lankville's Premier Science Fiction and Horror Magazine Now Appearing in The Lankville Daily News!
JOHNNY PADRES, OPTICIAN
Lankville has been relying on Dr. Johnny Padres for their optical needs since 1973. We offer a full service family eye care center and provide examinations for glasses and contacts and have a large display of designer, traditional and innovative eyewear for both regular prescription eyeglasses and sunglasses all of which will enable you to see TITS better. Call Lankville Business 2618-2.
LIFE LESSONS FUNERAL HOME
Life Lessons Funeral Home has been helping Lankville with dead people since 1932. Contact Eddie or Stummins, Lankville Business, 5-2161.
LOOK AT THESE BEAUTIES!
Really some of our best ever! Have you ever seen anything like it? Call Kelly (male) at Lankville Sound 2615.
MISSING
Missing: adult penguin. Christ, I just let him out in the yard for one minute and now he's gone. Responds to the name "Richard". Call Lankville Eastern Outlands, 5-6213.
NOW PLAYING!
The Unhinged: A New Film by Tom "Vapor" Rayford. Crisp Street Cinema, Eastern Lankville
PINEAPPLE CITY: A New Way of Being
Pineapple City is a new way of being, feeling and having your shirt off. Located in the distant, barren Lankville Pines, Pineapple City is now accepting applications for sheds. Call PINES, 2-5771.
THE PUZZLER
In the pie chart above, what segment represents a certain specific strata of the general population?
REAL ESTATE
Little shed for sale. With door, mailbox, dirt plot. Site of multiple murders but don't worry, they happened around back. To inquire, come to the shed. Go around back.
REAL ESTATE
Four acre lot in Eastern Lankville Cove Area. Price reduced! Site of a fireworks display in which several people fell out of their lawnchairs and died. Locals believe it haunted but that's crap. Call Cove 2751.
THE RECKONER EXACTRA 2.0 : A Danny Madison Product
It's Your Time: CALCULATE
SARAH SAMWAYS: CONTRIBUTING FEMALE
Exclusively in the Lankville Daily News (and some other papers).
SPEAKING ENGAGEMENT
Robin Brox will sit around and get progressively more intoxicated while listening to this other broad natter on about something. LANKVILLE REGIONAL AUDITORIUM, August 4, 11PM.
SPEAKING ENGAGEMENT CANCELED
The Dr. M. Chambers speech and candy-making event has been canceled again following Dr. Chambers' sudden collapse into some baskets. New date TBA
TRAVEL TIPS by Randy Hammers
The Kum Back Inn in the Lankville Desert Area has long been serving road-weary travelers. They feature a restaurant (with cocktails) and two spacious conference rooms. The Kum Back boasts 65 units-- each including window dressing, some chairs and a larger chair (seats two smallish children), a bed with orange comforter, a plastic trash can, clever paintings, and a windowless door. TV also available in 17 (sometimes 19) rooms. Most of the rooms are air-conditioned. Oscillating fans available upon request. Illuminated carports will protect your vehicle from the vicious sudden dust storms that often overtake the Desert Area and the wild thieves that occasionally parade across the landscape like some unmentionable horror. Call now at TU-0780 and ask for Bud or Karen (married).
UTILITY YARD SHEDS
The Lowinger Brothers offer great utility yard sheds at low prices. This one is haunted. Call Lankville Port Area 1072.
VACATION PACKAGES!
Spectacular vacations in campers by little mountains. Your cares will melt away but you will have to be careful of that shack (pictured). A lunatic lives there. Call Mercantile District 2711.
WRESTLING TONIGHT!
8PM, Southern Lankville Man-Arena. Featuring Ric "Wild Boy" Tipps (green trunks).
ZACH KEEBAUGH INVESTIGATIONS
Only in The Lankville Daily News
The Lankville Daily News 
LETTER SACK