Pondicherry Association to Draft Tonight
By Dick Oakes, Jr.
Senior Staff Writer
File photo
The Pondicherry Association will hold its draft for the shortened 2013 season this evening, according to a statement issued earlier today.
The event is expected to be a toned-down affair with three of the nine owners unable to attend– Ric Royer of the Terrifying Bats is still incarcerated and notorious astronaut-asshole “Nick” is still stuck in space. Fick of the Darkness club will be sending a representative.
“It’s not going to be a big deal at all,” said Small Pizzas GM “Inner Hammer” who is returning from the Teets Island Chain some time this afternoon. “I’ll probably just put a robe on, walk down to the ballroom whenever the hell I feel like it. In the past, the draft has left me a quivering heap of nerves, deep horniness and hate. Plus, I would generally gorge myself on small pizzas. But not now. Life’s too short, boys.”
Stamps owner Aaron Tucker will be making a rare visit to Lankville to attend his first draft after purchasing an expansion team during the summer. Tucker will be traveling with a coterie of Hoover Island representatives and is expected to arrive by speedboat some time this afternoon.
“It should be exciting,” said hockey enthusiast Gene Slipps. “It’s said that Tucker’s speedboat is capable of propelling itself into the air for great distances. Should be something really interesting to see rather than the stuff I usually see which is not very interesting at all.” Slipps was later killed when he accidentally fell into a pit of fire.
The Association will play an abbreviated 48-game season following a 3-month long lockout.
Vitiello to Distribute Irregular Decorative Hams to Needy
By Brock Belvedere, Jr.
Senior Staff Writer
file photo
24-Piece Men GM and ornamental meat magnate Chris Vitiello announced today that he will distribute several thousand irregular decorative hams to needy families.
“It came to my attention that there are a number of island-type people without decorative hams in their homes,” said the executive, who, for reasons unclear, was carefully examining a dessicated gourd. “I grew up poor, always wanting and so I understand their plight.”
Vitiello will supervise the distribution process and has already targeted specific homes in the Lankville Eastern End and the Northern Hole Area.
“These are two of the filthiest, most degenerate places in all of Lankville and therefore the most needy,” said Vitiello.
Area organizers, however, are already questioning Vitiello’s offer.
“People need real hams,” said Quentz Lister, who helps run a “Soups Kitchen”. “I’m not sure of the value of fake ones.”
Lister was immediately beheaded.
The distribution will begin later in the month.
Barlow Book Officially Released
By Sal Peter-Vooks
Special Literary Correspondent
File photo
Oversions owner and GM John Barlow officially released his new autobiography Barlow Between the Pipes during a short reception held in a muddy lot.
“Basically, we were all standing around in this lot as instructed,” noted reporter Brock Belvedere, Jr. “Then, this gigantic man appeared from an adjacent two-story brick building of grim appearance. He was at least seven feet tall and completely hairless and he was carrying two trashbags. He looked us all over and then hollered Alright All You Faggots and Pillheads and tossed the bags into the lot among us. Then he disappeared.”
The trashbags were eventually found to contain press copies of Barlow’s book.
“No food was served and Mr. Barlow never appeared. Eventually, we all just kind of sauntered away,” added Belvedere, who suddenly had his pants pulled off by two goons who were waiting nearby.
Reviews of the Barlow book are expected later in the week.
Reporter Bulova Mauled by Pandas
By Hugh G. Pickens
Crime Beat Reporter
File photo
Pondicherry Association News reporter Tommy “The Anvil” Bulova has been mauled by pandas, sources are reporting. The journalist was 39.
“His friends and a couple of his lovers had not heard from him for several days,” noted Detective Gee-Temple, who was the first to respond to the scene. “So, we burned off the front part of his house to gain access and that’s when we found him.”
Gee-Temple stated that although Bulova’s body was not terribly mauled, he was found with strange markings on his face and neck.
“The killers [pandas] painted a cross-like symbol on him,” stated the Detective. “We also found a neatly-printed sign hanging above him with a downward-pointing arrow.”
When asked what was printed on the sign, Gee-Temple began to tear up.
“It said “DONE BY PANDAS”. It’s terribly sad and horrifying at the same time.”
Police are currently interviewing “The Two Pandas” who are occasional columnists for the P.A. News.
Pondicherry Readers Speak Out
By Dr. V.I. Chombski
Professor of Specific Literature, University of Eastern Lankville
File photo
It was quite cold the day I started the Pondicherry Book, I would estimate about five degrees (Lankvillian measurements). The station affords a fine view of the Eastern Culture Tower which remains one of the great and few legacies of the Lankville Provincial Revolution. There was also a well-mannered older woman in knee-high white boots eating blue bagels out of a bag. You better eat those bagels, I thought lecherously. I don’t even know why or what that even means but I report it nevertheless.
Eventually, we all boarded and the train began its slow crawl through the outlands to the University. For many minutes, I stared lazily at the mean shacks and sheds trackside, the workers shoveling dirt into wagons for seemingly no purpose. Finally, I began Pondicherry.
Then, there was a rumble, an explosion and, shortly thereafter, the vibrations of a violent concussion. IT’S CHANGING AGAIN, I thought and I began to panic. Everything faded.
And then I was suddenly standing before a fat plumber. He was slowly chewing gum and eyeing me up and down. “I brought the one you asked for, you pathetic shit wedge,” he commented. “36,000 BTU. No fucking around. I’m leaving the giant cardboard box, though.” He was challenging me. “If you think I’m cutting that up and leaving it out for recycling, then you’ve got another thing coming, you insolent mother-loving godless asscone.”
I inquired about the asscone comment. He stopped chewing and his body straightened in a most threatening manner. I let it go.
After he installs the new hot water heater, I guess I’ll finish Pondicherry.
Royer Falls From Improperly Stacked Logs
By Hugh G. Pickens
Crime Beat Reporter
File photo
It is reported that Terrifying Bat GM Ric Royer fell from some improperly stacked logs today. The executive is believed to be resting comfortably according to officials at the Foontz-Flonnaise Home of Abundant Senselessness.
The incident occurred this afternoon as Royer and another inmate were prancing around a log pile. “All of the sudden, Mr. Royer decided to hop up on top of the log pile,” noted Warden Jenness, who was interviewed while overseeing the placement of some decorative hams in his office. “This movement was a childlike expression of pure joy, a splendid example of a man learning the beauty of the physical form and its ability to hop but unfortunately some of the logs had been stacked improperly and he fell backwards onto his head. We regret the incident.”
Warden Jenness added that the individual responsible for the improper stacking (an Islander) has been taken to a clearing and whipped mercilessly by parties unknown.
Royer was unavailable for comment but according to witnesses, the executive did sit up momentarily and remarked, “I wish those logs had been stacked properly” before succumbing again to unconsciousness.
The Pondicherry Association has yet to issue an official statement.
Pondicherry Readers Speak Out
By Kevin Thurston
Lankville City
File photo
I spend most of my time in very frightening, windowless rooms. There is no decoration of any sort in my rooms. Once, I had a poster that depicted two kittens on top of a gigantic ball of yarn. The caption read KEEP HANGING ON BECAUSE WE’RE KITTENS AND WE DON’T KNOW WHAT ELSE TO DO. It was given to me as a present and I thought it was funny for two days but then I took it down and pushed it into a neighbor’s mailbox.
I ordered a copy of the Pondischerries [sic] Book because I believe in small press publications. This one is particularly nice. It’s got a big graph inside with statistics of all sorts and some stories and the paper smells vaguely of the East. It’s a good “snow” book. By that, I mean it’s good to read when it’s snowing.
The light is beginning to dim. I only know this because there is a distant section of this apartment where there may be a window. There is a perpetual state of darkness in my rooms but it is worse at night.
I have a pair of shorts left. They are loose around the waist.
The rest of Thurston’s account was a series of completed word jumbles.
24-Piece Men Fan Fest Marred by Constant Whipping
By Tommy “The Anvil” Bulova
Small Events Attache
File photo
The first annual 24-Piece Men Fan Fest today was marred by long periods of patron whipping, sources are confirming.
The whipping, dispensed by club owner Chris Vitiello was constant throughout the two-hour festival.
“They had put out these giant washtubs full of hots dogs [sic], buns, candy and thin, shaved steaks,” said attendee Bud Podbelian, who brought his two children to the event. “Every time I’d lean over to get some of the steaks, because I like those, this Vitiello character would eerily appear and whip me near to death. I had to run for cover.”
“I never did get any of those thin, shaved steaks which I was planning to put on a series of stacked buns, thereby creating a much taller sandwich than anyone else,” added Podbelian, who was later forced to eat part of a tent at gunpoint.
Vitiello readily admitted to the whippings but noted that they were not indiscriminate.
“I have always been blessed with the ability to discern immediately who requires a whipping. I am seldom wrong.”
The event was held prior to the grand opening of Vitiello Decorative Hams Arena.
Tucker, Stamps Return to Association
By Dick Oakes, Jr.
Senior Staff Writer
File photo
The expansion Hoover Island Stamps have returned to the Pondicherry Association, sources are reporting.
“We are experiencing intermittent glee at the thought of their return,” said commissioner Dr. Albert C. Pondicherry, Jr. “They sent some nice gifts along too– a large wooden salad bowl with tongs, some fleece throws and some island Papayas which were ravenously torn apart by Association executives. They didn’t show much interest in the salad bowl and the throws– just kind of lightly pawed at them before casting them into a dark, shadowy, unlit corner but the whole point is that it shows that the Hooper [sic] Islanders are a gracious people.”
The Stamps had revoked their expansion application in December over frustration at the lockout.
“The people of Hoover Island are known for their patience,” said club owner Aaron Tucker, who was interviewed while breakfasting at a nude diner. “But this [the lockout] was too much to bear. It appears now that things are headed in the right direction and we will see hockey on Hoover Island before too long.”
Tucker, whose island is primarily nudist, discussed the pitfalls of introducing this custom into Association hockey.
“We have a great number of ideas floating around,” said the monarch, as a heavyset unclad waiter dished out second servings of coffee, syrup skins* and jellied hand cakes**. “We are working with engineers to construct a nudist section at our principle arena which will be covered by a floating glass curtain rendering it invisible to TV viewers. We are sensitive to Lankville’s general rejection of our custom and know that viewers will probably not be amenable to witnessing male fans and their dangling, jiggling balls or female fans bending over to reach something in their pocketbooks and revealing their round exposed rumps. We are working to come up with a solution.”
The Stamps have yet to unveil their jerseys for the upcoming season though Tucker revealed a few details.
“We’re going with brown. A dark, muddy type of brown. The socks will be a teal blue. That’s all I’m saying right now.”
Tucker then ended the interview and was whisked away to his next engagement.
*Editor’s note: Popular breakfast dish on Hoover Island
**Commonly known as doughnuts.
Royer’s Madcap Experiences: Matsos and the Interior
By Ric Royer
File photo
I left early the next morning. For a long ways, there was nothing but rocks, old scattered railroad ties, dessicated lumber and trash. Then the landscape became more barren. Then, there was a sun-baked low brick building of the latter part of the last century and beyond that a seemingly endless six-foot fence of chain-link.
I walked to the fence. Beyond was just more barren brown landscape. I doubled back to the low brick building. The windows were covered in burlap. There was a door on one side with a posted sun-curled notice but it was in a weird language of numbers and symbols. I couldn’t make any of it out.
Knocking– then a little man, about fifty, wearing a bloody sleeveless shirt answered. There was hill music from somewhere within. The little man made an obvious effort to occupy all the open space in the splintered doorway.
“Can I go out there? You know, beyond the fence?”
The little man held up a finger to say “hold on a moment” and then closed the door. He reappeared a moment later with several sheets of paper, all in different colors. He chose the yellow sheet.
“English? Yes?”
“Yes.”
The little man closed the door. At the last moment, just before the splintered edges of the door met the frame, I heard the voice of a fat woman say something unintelligible.
It was a paper from the Lankville government. It stated that although entrance into the interior was not expressly forbidden, it was strongly discouraged. It stated that one hundred miles in one could visit a safe house operated by a man called Lavender, but beyond that there were no further havens. It also asked the bearer to sign the paper, relieving the government of any responsibility and to return it to a man named Matsos. Matsos patrolled the area along the fence, it said. One could wait and he would come along.
For a moment I considered going back to the little man but decided against it. I had no pen.
I ambled out to the fence. Looking to the east, then to the west, one could see nothing. The heat had cast a haze over the brown landscape. There was nothing to do but sit in the dust. Then, I decided to move east. Perhaps I would come upon this Matsos.
I walked a mile and came upon two inflatable chairs, a fine-looking orange specimen and a blue chair that was semi-deflated. I sat in the orange chair.
Before long there was a figure lumbering towards me from the east. The figure moved with surprising speed and before long, I could make out an overweight freckled red-haired kid of about fourteen. He was wearing a t-shirt that read, “I LIKE TO EAT ANIMALS”.
The kid was yelling something but I couldn’t make it out. Then the kid reached me. He bent over, exhausted. When he finally caught his breath he stood up again. Then:
“Yeah, I wanted the orange one”.
It took me a moment to realize what the kid wanted. Then, I vacated the chair and made an attempt to sit in the semi-deflated blue chair, which promptly toppled over.
“Yeah, the blue one has a depression in the arm. For soft drinks,” said the kid. I looked up at him from the ground but said nothing. The sun was now directly overhead.
Fifteen minutes passed. My temples had begun to throb and I put my head in my hands while still clutching the yellow government form. When I finally looked up again the kid was standing directly before me.
“Are you waiting for Matsos?”
“Yeah.”
“Well, I can take the form if you want. I’m his grandson.”
“Alright”.
“Did you sign it?”
“I don’t have a pen.”
“Well, I have to witness you signing it anyway. Here.”
The kid produced a bulbous pen that wrote in ten different inks. I held the instrument in front of me, confused.
“Well, what kind of ink….never mind. I’ll just make it blue.”
“Like the chair,” I offered senselessly. The kid stared, then pressed down on the blue ink cartridge. He handed the pen back.
I signed the paper.
“OK, now I have to initial it, you know, as a witness.”
I handed the pen back. The kid switched the cartridge from blue to black. Then he somehow produced an official-looking stamp and a pad from the pocket of his tight basketball shorts.
The kid stamped the paper and filed it away with the stamp set into the shorts. Then he leaned over and asked furtively, “You need a tent?”
“I hadn’t thought of it.”
“I’d take a tent. We’ve got green, blue and one that has a window.”
“What? What was that?”
“We’ve got green, a sort of blue and one that has a very small window that you can zip shut. But the zipper isn’t working. I can give you a diagram…”
I interrupted. “What’s the cost? I don’t have much of anything.”
“I can take your shoes. They’re not too bad. And I can give you a cheap pair of wooden shoes that my granddad made. I won’t lie to you…some guy died in them.”
“Will I be able to walk?”
“More, you kind of slide. Like skiing. They’re too heavy to really do any serious walking in. They are painted in the Dutch style.”
I hesitated.
“I’ll let you keep your socks,” the kid offered. “See, I was going to ask for the socks before.”
I reluctantly made the deal and received a tiny green pup tent made of faded green canvas and open on both ends.
“What about the one with the window?”
“I don’t know anything about that mister. Here’s your wood shoes.” The kid dropped two clumsy-looking clogs, the size of tennis rackets at my bare feet.
“Good luck. Head due North and you’ll come to the outpost run by that Lavender fellow. He’s probably going to ask for your wood shoes. I’ll tell you that right now.”
Then: “What the hell happened to your pants mister?”
I looked down at the dried mud, blood and sauce stains on my white trousers.
“Oh. I don’t know. Hell.”
“Alright then,” said the kid. He sauntered off to the inflatable chair.
“You’ll give that form to Matsos?” I called after him, in a voice louder than I had used in months.
The kid waved the paper, annoyed.
I approached the fence. I stared across for a moment, trying to imagine being able to arrive successfully at the northern outpost. Then I dropped the wooden shoes over the fence.
My foot got caught in the chain link and as I went over, I heard a loud snap in my ankle. I fell to the dust on the other side. A current of pain shot up to my knee and, for reasons unclear, I became suddenly horny.
I lay in the dust for some time before I stood up again with the aid of the fence. I began limping towards the interior. I looked back once to see if the kid was watching but saw only the demented aggregation of chairs.
OPINION: Time for the Pondicherry Association to Step Up
By Two Pandas
Special Panda Correspondents
file photo
Now that the lockout has ended, it is time for the Pondicherry Association to step up. It is time for the Pondicherry Association to have a “Save the Pandas Night.”
It should be immediate. It should be on opening night. It should be league-wide.
The Pondicherry Association has done nothing to help us.
Other giant pandas are less diplomatic than us. “Jesus H. Christ, I’m not fucking around anymore,” wrote another panda friend. “Otherwise, there will be danger.” This panda has been known to push over things. We do not necessarily condone this, we mention it only as a warning.
We have sent letters, emails, texts, and boat notes. There has been no reply.
The Pondicherry Association is not helping us.
Return to Hoover Island: Part IV
By Dick Oakes, Jr.
Senior Staff Writer
File photo
Tucker has sent a plane ticket and a palace press pass. “I will be rejoining the Pondischerries [sic] Association,” he has written hastily on a scrap of paper. I huff it out to the airport.
I am seated in a cramped private plane (indeed, few visitors are permitted access to Hoover Island). There is a short, silent man seated next to me who, for reasons unclear, is wearing a red toupee held in place by an elastic band beneath his chin. For forty-five minutes, no words are said in the cabin. We make a stopover in the Teets Island Chain and again, for reasons unclear, several bags of garbage are loaded aboard.
As we take off, red toupee leans towards me.
“Wondering if you might be interested in a lift-off mold ring?”
I stare at him over my crossword.
“It’s the 8-inch or 12-inch,” he adds, senselessly.
When I say nothing in response, red toupee becomes aggressive.
“You’ve done this before? Have any idea at all what you’re doing?”
More garbage bags are suddenly thrown in from the cockpit. Red toupee goes silent.
The flight finally over, I leg it out to the palace and am admitted straightaway. Tucker is in the middle of a strange photo session. He is wearing a top-hat and leaning against a mirror. Everyone seems instantly pleased with the effect. During breaks in the shooting, Tucker produces a handheld plastic game of the type where one attempts to navigate a ball-bearing through a maze. He is not faring well and is starting to show it.
“FUCK! Damn these whorish games!” he yells and then instantly apologizes. The photographers pay no attention.
A man is ushered in and a chair and a hassock produced. The man places his briefcase on the hassock and opens it slowly. Tucker stares inside and a look of pure wonder crosses his face.
“What is in there? What is that?”
“These, Mr. Tucker, will bring you great, great luck,” says the man. And he presents a series of masks, each more beautiful than the last.
“You wear one of these, you don’t even have to worry about throwing up,” the man notes.
“I see. I see,” says Tucker, taking the mask of a bronzed, athletic blonde man into his hands.
“They’ve got tubes in there, see.”
“Astonishing,” says Tucker. He places the blonde on his face and his voice becomes slightly muted. “It feels so natural.”
“Absolutely.”
Tucker and the man step into the next room as the photographers continue to fiddle with their equipment. I wait another hour.
Finally, Tucker’s man-servant appears.
“Mr. Tucker is involved with masks, Sir. You will need to come tomorrow.”
I am presented with a hotel key. They give me a ride back to town.
An Interview with Ric Royer
Brock Belvedere had a chance to sit down with Ric Royer at the Foontz-Flonnaise Home of Abundant Senselessness.
BB: Now that the hockey season will be underway, do you think you will leave the Home?
RR: It’s been a rigid, terrific hiatus. God Bless Us.
BB: You’ve always attended the draft. Will you do so this year?
RR: There are a number of unbelievable behemothic monstrosities. We will need quelling.
BB(noticing that Royer’s cell was crammed with illuminated porcelain Christmas villages): I see you’ve got quite a setup here.
RR: Take notice of the Alpine Village series. These are displayed at higher elevations, especially constructed by master craftsmen. The “Snowdrop Cottage” stands out clearly.
BB: I see that one of the bulbs is out.
(Royer began screaming in a terrified manner and the interview was ended prematurely).
Vitiello Decorative Hams Arena to Open Tonight
By Nient Boffo
Senior Staff Writer
File photo
Vitiello Decorative Hams Arena will open tonight as it plays host to the “Glacier Tangle Capades”, a popular traveling ice show.
“It’s an adequate trial run for the hockey season,” said owner Chris Vitiello. “The capades are a frivolous, nugatory event but it will allow us to examine the breadth of our ices. We will also have decorative hams at concession. They will be the only item at concession.”
The new arena, which seats 21,000 and features a scoreboard in the shape of a decorative ham, was constructed during the fall and early winter.
“Few expenses were spared,” noted project manager Ian Elton Joel. “There are even bathroom stalls for the especially fat. It has been thoughtfully laid out.”
Joel suddenly produced a chainsaw and began running towards a group of bystanders.
“I wanted the arena to be a palace,” added Vitiello, who was quality-testing some decorative hams by dropping them into an overfilled children’s swimming pool. “When patrons enter, they will see ushers in full uniform. Each usher will carry a whip. And that is how you address the issue of accountability.”
Vitiello pushed this writer down into the mud and the interview was ended prematurely.
ACCOMMODATIONS
When staying in the Area Beyond the Outlands, pick the Murray. Friendly, creative staff, delightful beds, curtains. Phone Far Outlands 5-6712.
LANKVILLE DAILY NEWS: IN BOOK FORM!
The book is gone. It will never return. We hear stories but they are likely false. We live in the woods now. We make fire with a lighter that we found in the street. It was crushed by a truck but, somehow, perhaps through some intervention that is beyond us, it still works. We are waiting. We are waiting.
Original Pondicherry Association News promotional advertisement (2009)
TONIGHT ON TV! RICHARD AND THE POSTMAN REUNION SPECIAL!
The Hit program from the 1970's returns to Lankville TV tonight on LBC!
ADULT ADVERTISEMENT
Women all over Lankville are just sitting at mammoth computers waiting to hear from men like you! Just insert a floppy disk, write a (non-sexual) message and let the sparks fly! (Computer not included).
ADVERTISEMENT
A Vitiello Decorative Ham makes a great gift. Show that you care today.
BANDED DUFFELS ON PALLETS
Assorted colors. Whatever you want to do, man. Call Lankville Falls, 3247.
BRIAN SCHROPP IN THE LANKVILLE DAILY NEWS
The most important cuisine articles ever written.
CANDY
Jipps Co. Full Service Candy Counter! Our alert girls will push gummy drops into special paper sheaths, engage in restrained pleasantries and explain chocholate-to-nougat ratios. Call Central Lankville 3614.
CAT PHOTO
In compliance with Lankville subsection 11:16-4.
CHAMBERS CO. HAND DRILLS: When Electricity is Not an Option
When electricity is not an option consider the Chambers Company hand crank drills. Perfect for use in tight spaces, on distant islands or for drilling holes in fences to see TITS. Call 4-2309.
EMPLOYMENT
Big Ed's BBQ Shack is looking for a part-time waitress. Someone who doesn't nose around and ask a lot of difficult questions. Call Lankville Rougher Area, 5-2100.
EMPLOYMENT
Nuts, Ah! is looking for an experienced nut-handler. Experience with bagging nuts also important. If you break the nut sack, the nuts will drop onto the floor. Come in person for application to Twin Removed Pines Mall. NO CALLS.
FOX FOR PARTIES
Hire the Poetry Fox for Your Child's Next Party. Reasonable rates. Writes poems, dances, will not stand for any shenanigans. Call South Lankville 2009.
The funny stories of Dick Oakes, Jr. have thrilled millions. Look for them today in The Lankville Daily News!
GELSINGER’S ALLURE CLUB
Topless, bottomless wonderland. Mysterious back rooms. Carpeted entirely in astroturf. NO CALLS.
GREBOV BROTHERS TELESCOPE COMPANY
The Grebov Brothers are Lankville's finest purveyor of telescopes for astronomy enthusiasts. Substantial 4.5" apertures and fast f/4 focal ratios provide bright, detailed views of solar system targets like the Moon and planets, as well as wide-field celestial objects like nebulas and star clusters but also TITS.
GUMP PENETRATES
Only in The Lankville Daily News
HADBAWNIK HAUNTED STAIRCASE COMPANY
The Hadbawnik Company is Lankville's #1 installer of haunted, brush-littered staircases. Friendly non-foreign staff! Call Western (Outer) Lankville, 2154 or 2198 today.
HADBAWNIK HAUNTED BRUSH PILES!
The Hadbawnik Haunted Staircase Company is now offering haunted brush piles for use on your staircase. Create eerie, supernal ambiance. Allow the brush to blow haphazardly in the wind, creates fear, foreboding. Call our friendly staff of white people at Western Lankville, 2154. Brush piles may contain other forms of yard debris.
HEY! WANT A MONKEY?
Hey! Want a live little monkey? They do cute things like climb into pumpkins. Call "The Captain"- Central Lankville Hills, 5264.
HOME DUMP Your Neighborhood Hardware Store 16 Lankville Locations!
Weekly Special: Primitive Forged Hooks. Buy 4, Get a Can of Paint. Or Maybe Not. You'll Just Have to Find Out.
INFLAMED BY STARS AND BLOOD
Lankville's Premier Science Fiction and Horror Magazine Now Appearing in The Lankville Daily News!
JOHNNY PADRES, OPTICIAN
Lankville has been relying on Dr. Johnny Padres for their optical needs since 1973. We offer a full service family eye care center and provide examinations for glasses and contacts and have a large display of designer, traditional and innovative eyewear for both regular prescription eyeglasses and sunglasses all of which will enable you to see TITS better. Call Lankville Business 2618-2.
LIFE LESSONS FUNERAL HOME
Life Lessons Funeral Home has been helping Lankville with dead people since 1932. Contact Eddie or Stummins, Lankville Business, 5-2161.
LOOK AT THESE BEAUTIES!
Really some of our best ever! Have you ever seen anything like it? Call Kelly (male) at Lankville Sound 2615.
MISSING
Missing: adult penguin. Christ, I just let him out in the yard for one minute and now he's gone. Responds to the name "Richard". Call Lankville Eastern Outlands, 5-6213.
NOW PLAYING!
The Unhinged: A New Film by Tom "Vapor" Rayford. Crisp Street Cinema, Eastern Lankville
PINEAPPLE CITY: A New Way of Being
Pineapple City is a new way of being, feeling and having your shirt off. Located in the distant, barren Lankville Pines, Pineapple City is now accepting applications for sheds. Call PINES, 2-5771.
THE PUZZLER
In the pie chart above, what segment represents a certain specific strata of the general population?
REAL ESTATE
Little shed for sale. With door, mailbox, dirt plot. Site of multiple murders but don't worry, they happened around back. To inquire, come to the shed. Go around back.
REAL ESTATE
Four acre lot in Eastern Lankville Cove Area. Price reduced! Site of a fireworks display in which several people fell out of their lawnchairs and died. Locals believe it haunted but that's crap. Call Cove 2751.
THE RECKONER EXACTRA 2.0 : A Danny Madison Product
It's Your Time: CALCULATE
SARAH SAMWAYS: CONTRIBUTING FEMALE
Exclusively in the Lankville Daily News (and some other papers).
SPEAKING ENGAGEMENT
Robin Brox will sit around and get progressively more intoxicated while listening to this other broad natter on about something. LANKVILLE REGIONAL AUDITORIUM, August 4, 11PM.
SPEAKING ENGAGEMENT CANCELED
The Dr. M. Chambers speech and candy-making event has been canceled again following Dr. Chambers' sudden collapse into some baskets. New date TBA
TRAVEL TIPS by Randy Hammers
The Kum Back Inn in the Lankville Desert Area has long been serving road-weary travelers. They feature a restaurant (with cocktails) and two spacious conference rooms. The Kum Back boasts 65 units-- each including window dressing, some chairs and a larger chair (seats two smallish children), a bed with orange comforter, a plastic trash can, clever paintings, and a windowless door. TV also available in 17 (sometimes 19) rooms. Most of the rooms are air-conditioned. Oscillating fans available upon request. Illuminated carports will protect your vehicle from the vicious sudden dust storms that often overtake the Desert Area and the wild thieves that occasionally parade across the landscape like some unmentionable horror. Call now at TU-0780 and ask for Bud or Karen (married).
UTILITY YARD SHEDS
The Lowinger Brothers offer great utility yard sheds at low prices. This one is haunted. Call Lankville Port Area 1072.
VACATION PACKAGES!
Spectacular vacations in campers by little mountains. Your cares will melt away but you will have to be careful of that shack (pictured). A lunatic lives there. Call Mercantile District 2711.
WRESTLING TONIGHT!
8PM, Southern Lankville Man-Arena. Featuring Ric "Wild Boy" Tipps (green trunks).
ZACH KEEBAUGH INVESTIGATIONS
Only in The Lankville Daily News
The Lankville Daily News 
LETTER SACK