Condiments Brox Shows Off Culinary Skills
By Lida Fjord
Women’s Interest Columnist
File photo
Condiments GM Robin Brox today showed off her culinary skills on the popular Lankville morning show Bring Us Your Sibilance hosted by Jenny Geans.
Brox prepared a series of small flour discs with an admixture (sauce) of tomatoes and an abundance of spices, topped with a sort-of curd that delighted the small audience.
“I’ve been making the discs for a number of years,” the executive later noted in a backstage interview. “You have to learn to wrangle and then settle the curd so that it can be passed easily. Once accomplished, you are more or less ready to write yourself a ticket to the moon”.
The small flour discs were passed around to selected observers.
“I thought they were just great,” said overweight housewife Christie Tees. “I enjoy being the center of attention.”
Shortly thereafter, the set was suddenly demolished and a period of deep confusion ensued.
An Interview with John Barlow
By Enceladus Sheets
Senior Staff Writer
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Enceladus Sheets recently had a chance to sit down with Oversions GM John Barlow.
ES: You’ve been pretty quiet on the lockout. What are your thoughts?
JB: The actions and desires of both sides stand boldly forth unshadowed like two giant steeds drawing a single chariot and the moment takes on a sort of fixed, sudden clarity and the tranquil deciduated tree looms above the sere and ludicrous disasters of our days.
ES: That’s interesting. Do you think the season will be saved?
JB: You have to call upon your clients at rare intervals. As if God, by circumstance, looking down upon the grand, if not niggardly roundness of the lives of the small, found not the heart to extricate them from their doomed surroundings tempered so completely to their requirements.
ES(laughing): I’m sure our readers can attest to that. What about some of the expansion owners? Surely, this lockout has them regretting their decision to buy into the Pondicherry Association.
JB: I keep my lunch in a fire-proof cabinet.
ES: Yes, of course, I hadn’t thought of that. Anything else?
JB: The cabinet is an inviolate package of conditions.
ES: Thanks.
JB: No.
The interview was terminated.
OPINION: The Pondicherry Association is Spying On Us
By Two Pandas
Special Panda Correspondents
file photo
They have a long tube that they inserted into one of the wood slats. “It’s for drainage possibilities,” the man said.
The next day, when we examined the tube, we found a large eye at the other end.
It’s googly with a faint tinge of red. It remained there all day. We moved to the other side of the yard.
The Pondicherry Association is spying on us.
Sometimes, we can hear typing– a faint click-clack of a keyboard. We know now that daily reports are being submitted. We know not where.
Occasionally, late at night, we are awakened by the sound of pneumatic tubes. There is a sudden whoosh and then a whirr, then silence. Then, generally, someone is shot nearby.
But the googly eye remains. It grows redder by the day. We think it has grown mad.
Vitiello Discusses 24-Piece Men Coaching Situation
by Tito Presentation
Senior Staff Writer
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For the first time in a thus-far lost season, 24-Piece Men GM Chris Vitiello discussed the vacant head-coaching position for his expansion club.
“I see no point in naming a coach provided that this buffoonery continues,” said the decorative ham magnate from his factory in Northern Lankville. “When I sit at the [negotiating] table, I feel as if I am surrounded by vile truth-rapists and my natural inclination is not only to whip them mercilessly but to place them in fathomless caves and to literally teach the darkness out of them.”
A wall of the factory suddenly blew in on Vitiello. A siren went off somewhere and a series of searchlights strafed the area. Vitiello was able to escape through massive amounts of carnage and commandeered a decorative ham delivery truck to parts unknown.
As he pulled off, he looked down on me as the unidentified beasts circled the destroyed room.”Where are the hams which came in to thee this night? Bring them out unto us, that we may KNOW THEM”.
Then, he was gone.
Reporter Emmurian Found Smothered
By Bernie Keebler
Senior Staff Writer
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Freelance reporter Commodore Evans Emmurian was found smothered today. He was 59.
Emmurian’s last column, an insensate rant on a non-existent blood pact between Terrifying Bat GM Ric Royer and head coach Fingers Rolly, appeared yesterday.
“We found him in a shallow ditch by a Horn of Comfy* hotel,” commented Detective Gee Temple, who was the first to respond to the scene. “He had been smothered by what appeared to be a series of large daytime pillows, a couch cushion and a further couch cushion which subsequently was taken from the crime scene.”
“Evans had been going through some hard times,” said longtime friend Substitute Jimmy. “He lost a lot of little yachting races– ended up abandoning his houseboat at one point, something that a commodore NEVER does. Then, he tried to cut off his own head yesterday. We saw it coming.”
The reporter will be wrapped in interior shrink film plastic and deposited into a small ground depression.
He is survived by a large decorative yachting cap.
*Popular Lankville hotel chain.
Terrifying Bat Hire Fingers Rolly as Head Coach
By Brock Belvedere, Jr.
Senior Staff Writer
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In an utterly surprising move, the Terrifying Bat have hired retired machinist Fingers Rolly as their new head coach. Rolly, unknown to the hockey world until his article appeared in a “Fans Speak Out” column forty-five minutes ago, replaces owner Ric Royer and becomes the club’s third head coach.
Royer, who was briefly helicoptered to Rolly’s rancher in the Lankville Desert region, gave a short press conference.
“I like this man,” said the executive, who was wearing a Foontz-Flonnaise Home of Abundant Senselessness sweatshirt and cut-off jeans. “He is no-nonsense and even though there is no hockey and no team whatsoever to speak of, I feel certain that he will meld into the background with positive alacrity.”
Rolly grunted briefly and uttered a strange, eldritch howl towards the desert.
The 81-year old Rolly has no previous hockey experience, a fact that Royer dismissed casually.
“There is a long bench in hockey and this is the crux. The man will observe this situation and he will master it. Age makes no difference. I want Fingers Rollies [sic] to be that man. And he will walk into the clubhouse, put on the especially tight, unflattering blazer that we have already had tailored and he will work that bench. I have never been more positive of anything.”
Rolly grunted again, cursed and screamed.
Royer was then taken back to the home and the interview slowly collapsed on its own accord.
Fans Speak Out on Pondicherry Lockout
By Fingers Rolly
Man on the Street
File photo
Let me say right out– I’ve had enough of this fucking shit. God damn clowns running this show– they oughta’ take that simple mother fucker “Inner Hammer” out to one of those large ocean cages and string him up to a fucking derrick. I don’t have any time left for any of this horseshit. Half the fucking time, I’m fucking sitting here in my little shitcan of a kitchen, screaming out at that son of a bitch desert, all cracked and brown. Those fucking cactuses with those needles. God damn this whole degenerate country.
I got this little outhouse of a man that comes in twice a week. I said to the company, “Get me one of them little bitches that I could throw a batch at.” I was only fucking kiddin’ but these pissants got all upset and sent me this guy built like a god damn brick shithouse. You oughta’ see him.
Fucker doesn’t know how to make a pot of decent coffee. I end up with fucking brown pee, is what I get. Four pots of fucking brown pee all day. And that’s what it’s like now. Brown pee and a constant series of screams and howls at that asshole of a desert.
We put out a little driveway of rocks, me and the god damn outhouse. Bought ’em special at House Dump*. I supervised the big sack of shit and it took all day. Next morning, what do you think happened? Bunch of fucking kids came down from the hills, fucked the rocks all up. Kicked ’em out into the yard– that fucking yard just fucking brown baked shit. I got the outhouse to fix ’em up again and the very next morning those degenerates come down from the hills again. Shitballs.
That’s all I know today.
*Popular Lankville hardware chain.
Missing Meyer Spotted Again
By Some Carefully-Wrapped Presents
Seasonal Reporters
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Former Sharks GM Shane Meyer, missing since June, was spotted again last night according to an unconfirmed report.
“It was definitely him,” said East Lankville resident Ike Resin. “He was pushed out of the passenger side of a slow-moving car into the alley behind Tri-Town Appliance. He was wrapped in a long garden hose and after awhile, he got up, freed himself of the hose and deposited it into some trash cans. Then, he walked off.”
Resin noted that he attempted to approach Meyer but that the executive ignored his repeated calls.
“I just screamed. I find that effective. I scream and then I scream louder and from the back of the throat, a sort of death-gurgle but he paid absolutely no attention.”
Police were informed but Detective Gee-Temple, head of the Meyer case, gave little credence to Resin’s account.
“We are well-aware of Ike Resin,” the Detective commented. “He’s poor and therefore his word is insubstantial.”
Nonetheless, this is the third unconfirmed Meyer sighting in the last two months.
“It gives me hope,” said Meyer’s Aunt Pam, who was interviewed while dragging a gigantic sack of unpainted crafts back to her horde-heavy bungalow. “I would like to have Shane back for the holidays.”
Inner Hammer: “The Pandas are Liars”
By Commodore Evans Emmurian
Staff Writer (Occasional)
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Early Peoples GM “Inner Hammer” today issued a scathing response to the recent feature articles penned by the Two Pandas.
“They are liars, pure and simple,” said the executive, who was interviewed while resting in a hammock hung between two trees. “You guys in the press don’t even bother to check on this rubbish– you just publish any fuck-all thing that slithers into your fat laps.”
Inner Hammer moved about in the hammock in an agitated manner causing several of the low-hanging gigantic tree balls to drop into the sand.
“Pandas always lie. They lie about everything, it’s part of their whole makeup,” said the executive, who was wearing a loud bathing suit which featured dramatic images of skulls and eagles. “We provided them with tons of bamboo last year. What the fuck did they do with it, that’s what I want to know.”
Inner Hammer then noted, “All they want is a god damn handout.”
The former interim commissioner then allowed himself to be dumped out of the hammock into the sand. He then began running awkwardly away and the interview was ended prematurely.
The two pandas have been critical of Pondicherry Association policy towards pandas for several weeks.
OPINION: The Pondicherry Association Hung Up On Us
By Two Pandas
Special Panda Correspondents
file photo
We call every day now. We are met with an effervescent voice on the line– the sort of friendly, bubbly female intonation that smacks of good cheer and high benevolence.
“We would like to speak to the commissioner or whoever is in charge at the moment,” we say (together).
“Of course,” she responds. “Who is calling?”
We pause.
“It’s the pandas.”
And we are immediately disconnected. We call again with the same result.
The Pondicherry Association hangs up on us.
A few days after our campaign, a crate was brought to our fetid yard. “It’s from the Pondicherry Association,” they said. We cracked it open excitedly. There, before us, was a stack of bamboo.
“They have helped us,” we said (together).
We took out sticks and gnawed on the edges. We were met with the taste of cold plastic.
“That’s not bamboo,” said the stooltaker. “That’s PVC pipes.”
We tossed it away into the corner of the yard and began the calls again.
But the Pondicherry Association just hung up on us.
Again and again.
Fans Speak Out on Pondicherry Lockout
By Chief Hogsett
Insulation Technician
file photo
I have an entire ritual on game nights. I set up a TV tray in front of my recliner– it’s the one with the brown and gold floral patterns. Then, I put my pre-frozen meat dinner into the oven. I time it just right so that when I put that dinner in the oven, it’ll be done right when the puck drops. When I first started this, see, I never timed it right. I got so angry one time that I killed a guy, cut off his head, put it on the fake mantle and screamed at it all night. But, anyway, I served my time.
So, this year was going to be the same. I was never convinced they would have this strike, so I went and bought up a whole freezer full of pre-frozen meat dinners. Sure, I still eat the damn things, but there’s no game to watch. I turn on the channel and it’s just a blue screen with some light trumpet music playing. I still can’t believe it.
I’m certainly no Dean T. Pibbs* but I’m glad that the Pondicherry Association News is giving guys like me a chance to write out their thoughts. The Pondicherry Association needs to get this solved so we can go back to our lives.
*Editors note: popular Lankville author of terrorist attack novels.
Royer’s Madcap Experiences: The Man Called Barlow
By Ric Royer
File photo
Today at lunch (rice and hot dogs), I met a man called Barlow. He showed me a fat album of off-center and out of focus photographs of distant limbs of trees. There were hundreds of them.
“At one time,” he said, in what seemed a slightly foreign accent, “I was the principal photographer of exactly this and exactly this only and after many years, they said enough. I recall two exceedingly fast nights spent in the burnt-out shell of a former paper mill, a third night in an ancient train tunnel and then a fourth night on a pedestrian bridge before being picked up by a park ranger. I was evaluated and sent here. They let me keep my portfolio.”
He lifted the fat book up and dropped it intentionally in his rice. The meaning of the gesture was slightly obscure.
“You have a very aquiline nose,” he commented. “We should walk together some time.”
I mentioned that I owned a hockey club. The man called Barlow started.
“My brother owns a hockey club. But he is a sort of monster. He eats pandas.”
“How terrible!” I lied. Because I too have eaten pandas.
Jello was brought. I began eating voraciously while Barlow simply stared. I thought for a moment that he was going to drop the fat book in his desert and I was suddenly gripped by deep despair. But the man called Barlow continued to stare. His gaze was so applied, in fact, that I was able to steal his Jello quite handily.
Finally, he said, “If you walk over the two hills, through the point of rocks and down a third hill that is quite smaller than the first two hills, you will come upon the remnants of an abandoned stone village. I would like to take some photographs there of specific tree limbs.”
Nothing was said for a moment. Finally, I offered, “So what?”
“Ah, well, if that’s the way you feel about it.”
And the man called Barlow left the table and asked an attendant to accompany him back to his room.
I waited awhile. Then, I motioned one of the servers over.
“Yeah, I never got any Jello,” I said.
They brought another one over. I ate happily.
Catching Up With Robin Brox
By Marles Cundiff
Lankville Lakes Region Attache
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Lankville Lakes Cabbager correspondent Marles Cundiff had a chance to sit down with Condiments owner and GM Robin Brox at her uncolored condiment factory in Western Lankville.
MC: Disappointed with the lockout?
RB: Absolutely. But I’m a female entrepreneur. We can’t sit on our hands waiting for something to happen. So, I’ve gone ahead and rented out Brox Uncolored Condiment Centre to several circuses and an athletic display for the retarded.
MC: You’re the only owner, in fact, who seems to be moving forward.
RB: My life has always been about moving forward. I’ve been married 13 times.
MC: Somehow, I…I find that really hot.
RB: You like that, baby?
(Brox began slapping Cundiff hard in the face and caroming condiment packets off his head. The two were later married and the interview was ended prematurely).
ACCOMMODATIONS
When staying in the Area Beyond the Outlands, pick the Murray. Friendly, creative staff, delightful beds, curtains. Phone Far Outlands 5-6712.
LANKVILLE DAILY NEWS: IN BOOK FORM!
The book is gone. It will never return. We hear stories but they are likely false. We live in the woods now. We make fire with a lighter that we found in the street. It was crushed by a truck but, somehow, perhaps through some intervention that is beyond us, it still works. We are waiting. We are waiting.
Original Pondicherry Association News promotional advertisement (2009)
TONIGHT ON TV! RICHARD AND THE POSTMAN REUNION SPECIAL!
The Hit program from the 1970's returns to Lankville TV tonight on LBC!
ADULT ADVERTISEMENT
Women all over Lankville are just sitting at mammoth computers waiting to hear from men like you! Just insert a floppy disk, write a (non-sexual) message and let the sparks fly! (Computer not included).
ADVERTISEMENT
A Vitiello Decorative Ham makes a great gift. Show that you care today.
BANDED DUFFELS ON PALLETS
Assorted colors. Whatever you want to do, man. Call Lankville Falls, 3247.
BRIAN SCHROPP IN THE LANKVILLE DAILY NEWS
The most important cuisine articles ever written.
CANDY
Jipps Co. Full Service Candy Counter! Our alert girls will push gummy drops into special paper sheaths, engage in restrained pleasantries and explain chocholate-to-nougat ratios. Call Central Lankville 3614.
CAT PHOTO
In compliance with Lankville subsection 11:16-4.
CHAMBERS CO. HAND DRILLS: When Electricity is Not an Option
When electricity is not an option consider the Chambers Company hand crank drills. Perfect for use in tight spaces, on distant islands or for drilling holes in fences to see TITS. Call 4-2309.
EMPLOYMENT
Big Ed's BBQ Shack is looking for a part-time waitress. Someone who doesn't nose around and ask a lot of difficult questions. Call Lankville Rougher Area, 5-2100.
EMPLOYMENT
Nuts, Ah! is looking for an experienced nut-handler. Experience with bagging nuts also important. If you break the nut sack, the nuts will drop onto the floor. Come in person for application to Twin Removed Pines Mall. NO CALLS.
FOX FOR PARTIES
Hire the Poetry Fox for Your Child's Next Party. Reasonable rates. Writes poems, dances, will not stand for any shenanigans. Call South Lankville 2009.
The funny stories of Dick Oakes, Jr. have thrilled millions. Look for them today in The Lankville Daily News!
GELSINGER’S ALLURE CLUB
Topless, bottomless wonderland. Mysterious back rooms. Carpeted entirely in astroturf. NO CALLS.
GREBOV BROTHERS TELESCOPE COMPANY
The Grebov Brothers are Lankville's finest purveyor of telescopes for astronomy enthusiasts. Substantial 4.5" apertures and fast f/4 focal ratios provide bright, detailed views of solar system targets like the Moon and planets, as well as wide-field celestial objects like nebulas and star clusters but also TITS.
GUMP PENETRATES
Only in The Lankville Daily News
HADBAWNIK HAUNTED STAIRCASE COMPANY
The Hadbawnik Company is Lankville's #1 installer of haunted, brush-littered staircases. Friendly non-foreign staff! Call Western (Outer) Lankville, 2154 or 2198 today.
HADBAWNIK HAUNTED BRUSH PILES!
The Hadbawnik Haunted Staircase Company is now offering haunted brush piles for use on your staircase. Create eerie, supernal ambiance. Allow the brush to blow haphazardly in the wind, creates fear, foreboding. Call our friendly staff of white people at Western Lankville, 2154. Brush piles may contain other forms of yard debris.
HEY! WANT A MONKEY?
Hey! Want a live little monkey? They do cute things like climb into pumpkins. Call "The Captain"- Central Lankville Hills, 5264.
HOME DUMP Your Neighborhood Hardware Store 16 Lankville Locations!
Weekly Special: Primitive Forged Hooks. Buy 4, Get a Can of Paint. Or Maybe Not. You'll Just Have to Find Out.
INFLAMED BY STARS AND BLOOD
Lankville's Premier Science Fiction and Horror Magazine Now Appearing in The Lankville Daily News!
JOHNNY PADRES, OPTICIAN
Lankville has been relying on Dr. Johnny Padres for their optical needs since 1973. We offer a full service family eye care center and provide examinations for glasses and contacts and have a large display of designer, traditional and innovative eyewear for both regular prescription eyeglasses and sunglasses all of which will enable you to see TITS better. Call Lankville Business 2618-2.
LIFE LESSONS FUNERAL HOME
Life Lessons Funeral Home has been helping Lankville with dead people since 1932. Contact Eddie or Stummins, Lankville Business, 5-2161.
LOOK AT THESE BEAUTIES!
Really some of our best ever! Have you ever seen anything like it? Call Kelly (male) at Lankville Sound 2615.
MISSING
Missing: adult penguin. Christ, I just let him out in the yard for one minute and now he's gone. Responds to the name "Richard". Call Lankville Eastern Outlands, 5-6213.
NOW PLAYING!
The Unhinged: A New Film by Tom "Vapor" Rayford. Crisp Street Cinema, Eastern Lankville
PINEAPPLE CITY: A New Way of Being
Pineapple City is a new way of being, feeling and having your shirt off. Located in the distant, barren Lankville Pines, Pineapple City is now accepting applications for sheds. Call PINES, 2-5771.
THE PUZZLER
In the pie chart above, what segment represents a certain specific strata of the general population?
REAL ESTATE
Little shed for sale. With door, mailbox, dirt plot. Site of multiple murders but don't worry, they happened around back. To inquire, come to the shed. Go around back.
REAL ESTATE
Four acre lot in Eastern Lankville Cove Area. Price reduced! Site of a fireworks display in which several people fell out of their lawnchairs and died. Locals believe it haunted but that's crap. Call Cove 2751.
THE RECKONER EXACTRA 2.0 : A Danny Madison Product
It's Your Time: CALCULATE
SARAH SAMWAYS: CONTRIBUTING FEMALE
Exclusively in the Lankville Daily News (and some other papers).
SPEAKING ENGAGEMENT
Robin Brox will sit around and get progressively more intoxicated while listening to this other broad natter on about something. LANKVILLE REGIONAL AUDITORIUM, August 4, 11PM.
SPEAKING ENGAGEMENT CANCELED
The Dr. M. Chambers speech and candy-making event has been canceled again following Dr. Chambers' sudden collapse into some baskets. New date TBA
TRAVEL TIPS by Randy Hammers
The Kum Back Inn in the Lankville Desert Area has long been serving road-weary travelers. They feature a restaurant (with cocktails) and two spacious conference rooms. The Kum Back boasts 65 units-- each including window dressing, some chairs and a larger chair (seats two smallish children), a bed with orange comforter, a plastic trash can, clever paintings, and a windowless door. TV also available in 17 (sometimes 19) rooms. Most of the rooms are air-conditioned. Oscillating fans available upon request. Illuminated carports will protect your vehicle from the vicious sudden dust storms that often overtake the Desert Area and the wild thieves that occasionally parade across the landscape like some unmentionable horror. Call now at TU-0780 and ask for Bud or Karen (married).
UTILITY YARD SHEDS
The Lowinger Brothers offer great utility yard sheds at low prices. This one is haunted. Call Lankville Port Area 1072.
VACATION PACKAGES!
Spectacular vacations in campers by little mountains. Your cares will melt away but you will have to be careful of that shack (pictured). A lunatic lives there. Call Mercantile District 2711.
WRESTLING TONIGHT!
8PM, Southern Lankville Man-Arena. Featuring Ric "Wild Boy" Tipps (green trunks).
ZACH KEEBAUGH INVESTIGATIONS
Only in The Lankville Daily News
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LETTER SACK