Archive
Giant Land Kraken Devours Reporter Sheets
By Brock Belvedere, Jr.
Senior Staff Writer
File photo
A giant land kraken has devoured Pondicherry Association News reporter Enceladus Sheets. The journalist was 54.
“It was horrible,” said witness Pete Purvis of Eastern Lankville. “It was an atrocious squid-like creature, extraordinarily mobile and it appeared suddenly from the depths of some mad hell that no sane creator could even begin to conjure. It devoured Enceladus instantly.”
“I’m terribly sorry to hear of the loss of this bus, it’s a great tragedy,” said Oversions owner John Barlow, who was yachting. “It was carpeted. It had depressions in the arms for soft drinks. It was first class all the way.”
When informed that it was a journalist that perished and not a bus, Barlow commented, “There are different viewpoints to be hashed out. We will see who wins in the end.”
Sheets was a Senior Staff Writer for the News and had covered Lankville hockey since 1982.
“I had some good light lunches with Enceladus,” said fellow reporter Marles Cundiff. “We always assumed that our demise would come from getting shot. Never did we think of a land kraken.”
“He was a good man though he had a lot of very dark, evil secrets,” said Sheets’ wife Lucy, who was judged to have below average tits and an unflattering ass. “Sometimes, when I sat across the table from Enceladus, I thought that I was looking right into the orifice of utter madness.”
A small service for Sheets was planned, moved to a different date and then forgotten.
Royer Experimenting with Controlled Environments
By Larry “God” Peters
Far-Flung Areas Correspondent
File photo
Terrifying Bat GM The Great President of Hell (formerly Ric Royer) is experimenting with controlled environments in the Foontz-Flonnaise Home of Abundant Senselessness, according to witnesses.
“The Great President of Hell requested and was granted an adjacent cell,” noted Warden Jenness, who was still overseeing the placement of decorative hams in his office, an installation that has now taken over three months. “His current living space is, according to his experiments, meant to represent the controlled environment of heaven or paradise and the adjacent cell is meant to be a cursed place, a sort of Hell.”
The Great President of Hell released the following statement:
“A controlled environment provides the perfect opportunity to determine and change conditions at specific points in time during an experiment, for example by exposing the walls and furnishings to fire, by burying vile objects in the floor and by allowing evil spirits free roaming access. During decisive growth and development periods, e.g. during the flowering of evil, we can monitor the situation closely by preventing the villainous new obscenity from escaping and tackling nearby residents. It must remain celled and quarantined. In this way, tents may be safely placed on a field plot or may be substituted with closely defined conditions inside the hell growth chamber.
We are also creating a nurturing, heaven-like environment in our current environs by continuing to add to the collection of illuminated snow villages and by allowing the further propagation of colorful balloons.”
“We believe in allowing our wards the opportunity to perform important research,” noted Jenness. “The Great President of Hell has taken a keen interest in these subjects. We will allow it to continue.”
The Great President of Hell is expected to release an abstract in the coming weeks.
Pizzas, 24-Piece Men Complete Swap
By Gump Tibbs
Senior Staff Writer
File photo
The Small Pizzas and 24-Piece Men completed a trade early this afternoon which saw forward Phil Kessel going to the Pizzas in exchange for forward Jeff Skinner. The players are expected to join their new clubs tomorrow.
“Yeah, happy to get Kussell [sic],” said Pizzas GM “Inner Hammer” who was gyrating lewdly above a mass of fetid undergarments. “More importantly can you even begin to fathom the conceptual elements I’ve laid out here? Jesus H. Christ on the cross, this is a construct that you’ll never forget,” the executive added breathlessly before ordering reporters out of the room.
24-Piece Men GM Chris Vitiello expressed contentment with the deal.
“I’ve made no secret of my deep scorn towards Mr. Kessel,” said Vitiello, who was interviewed while examining an industrial push sweeper at a nearby Home Dump. “I am repulsed by him. I told him not to get too comfortable because it was my intent to trade him immediately. He is a contemptible drone.”
Vitiello suddenly grabbed a Home Dump employee and asked, “Will this sweeper get chips up?” The employee began a long explanation and it was felt we should take our leave.
The trade is expected to be ratified by commissioner Pondicherry within the hour.
Pondicherry to Begin Apology Tour Today
By Nient Boffo
Senior Staff Writer
File photo
Association commissioner Dr. Albert C. Pondicherry, Jr. will begin an apology tour today in an attempt to repair relations with fans left disgruntled over the three-month lockout.
“We want the hate to crystallize and the focal point of the hate to shift away from ownership and onto Dr. Pendischorries [sic],” said Small Pizzas GM “Inner Hammer”. “We’ve prepared an entire series of little morality plays where Dr. Pandycherries [sic] will appear on hastily-constructed stages as a sort of rapist-monster bent on the destruction of all that is good and we believe it will win many fans back. We have a series of props and costumes that will make the entire performance more convincing.”
“Inner Hammer” suddenly excused himself. “Gotta go get my root honked, boys,” he explained before leaving abruptly.
“I am not entirely pleased with the scenario,” stated Pondicherry, who was examining the series of strange, frightening costumes. “But, it’s what’s best for hockey and I’ve always stood for that. If dressing up in these demon outfits will help, then I’m all for it.”
Pondicherry was suddenly punched hard in the stomach by a fan, who emerged from the crowd of reporters. He doubled over and then fell onto the floor and the interview had to be ended prematurely.
The first show of the tour will be tomorrow night at the Lankville Beach and Sound Area Arena. Tickets are still available.
Royer Changes Name to “The Great President of Hell”
By Tito Presentation
Distinctive Reporter
File photo
Incarcerated Terrifying Bat GM Ric Royer announced today that he will now be known as “The Great President of Hell”.
“There is not necessarily a negative connotation to this,” noted Royer, who was interviewed while on a Foontz-Flonnaise Home of Abundant Senselessness field trip to a nearby amusement park. “It is merely a nod to the 10th spirit, the centaur and my interest in obscure appendices. There could be fifty legions of demons under my command but otherwise, one should not be afraid. Enjoy the amusement park.”
The Great President of Hell then threw himself wildly into a double-laned bouncy inflatable slide and the interview was ended prematurely.
Barlow: I Am Hounded by “the Succubus”
By Clifford Griffey
Contemporary Junior Chronicler
File photo
Oversions GM John Barlow stated last night during a book signing that he is mercilessly hounded by “the succubus”. The incident occurred at a Smalley’s Book and Yellow Pottery Store in Eastern Lankville.
A long line had gathered to have their book signed by Barlow, when the executive suddenly stood up and addressed the throng:
“Folks, I have an announcement. I am followed by the succubus. All the time. It is a frightening and demonic creature that dream-defiles me. This is followed by the creation of a small nocturnal food mess on the carpet. It’s terrible. Now, everyone line up quietly and I’ll sign your book.”
The declaration is said to have cast a pall over the festivities.
“I was hoping to just talk a little hockey, celebrate the beginning of the season,” said Oversions fan Tony Templeton of East Lankville Village. “But when Mr. Barlow said that, it spread fear and consternation.
Templeton’s health suddenly deteriorated and he died while still standing in line.
“It was perhaps an inopportune moment for Mr. Barlow to inform people,” said an Oversions executive, who refused to be identified. “But it’s something he’s been suffering with for years. We all know about the succubus and its apparent violations.”
Barlow refused to answer any further questions but promised a second volume of his autobiography which would address the issue.
Pondicherry Readers Speak Out
By Chip Collinsworth
Lankville Stock Exchange
You flash Pondicherry in the right circles and you’re guaranteed to get laid. It’s pretty simple.
The other night, I walked right into a place and ordered a $125 martini. A classy broad seated nearby was shocked.
“That’s $125!” she offered.
“That’s nothing to me baby. Look.” And I tossed Pondicherry on the bar.
“Oh, I see.” She started blushing and fooling around with her hair. The waitress brought the martini and I knocked it right over. Then I flicked the olive against a wall.
“A $125 martini is apeshit, baby,” I said. “How about you and I go hump the carpet off a hotel room floor?”
And it was done.
That’s pretty much all there is to it.
Barlow Book Officially Released
By Sal Peter-Vooks
Special Literary Correspondent
File photo
Oversions owner and GM John Barlow officially released his new autobiography Barlow Between the Pipes during a short reception held in a muddy lot.
“Basically, we were all standing around in this lot as instructed,” noted reporter Brock Belvedere, Jr. “Then, this gigantic man appeared from an adjacent two-story brick building of grim appearance. He was at least seven feet tall and completely hairless and he was carrying two trashbags. He looked us all over and then hollered Alright All You Faggots and Pillheads and tossed the bags into the lot among us. Then he disappeared.”
The trashbags were eventually found to contain press copies of Barlow’s book.
“No food was served and Mr. Barlow never appeared. Eventually, we all just kind of sauntered away,” added Belvedere, who suddenly had his pants pulled off by two goons who were waiting nearby.
Reviews of the Barlow book are expected later in the week.
Reporter Bulova Mauled by Pandas
By Hugh G. Pickens
Crime Beat Reporter
File photo
Pondicherry Association News reporter Tommy “The Anvil” Bulova has been mauled by pandas, sources are reporting. The journalist was 39.
“His friends and a couple of his lovers had not heard from him for several days,” noted Detective Gee-Temple, who was the first to respond to the scene. “So, we burned off the front part of his house to gain access and that’s when we found him.”
Gee-Temple stated that although Bulova’s body was not terribly mauled, he was found with strange markings on his face and neck.
“The killers [pandas] painted a cross-like symbol on him,” stated the Detective. “We also found a neatly-printed sign hanging above him with a downward-pointing arrow.”
When asked what was printed on the sign, Gee-Temple began to tear up.
“It said “DONE BY PANDAS”. It’s terribly sad and horrifying at the same time.”
Police are currently interviewing “The Two Pandas” who are occasional columnists for the P.A. News.
Pondicherry Readers Speak Out
By Dr. V.I. Chombski
Professor of Specific Literature, University of Eastern Lankville
File photo
It was quite cold the day I started the Pondicherry Book, I would estimate about five degrees (Lankvillian measurements). The station affords a fine view of the Eastern Culture Tower which remains one of the great and few legacies of the Lankville Provincial Revolution. There was also a well-mannered older woman in knee-high white boots eating blue bagels out of a bag. You better eat those bagels, I thought lecherously. I don’t even know why or what that even means but I report it nevertheless.
Eventually, we all boarded and the train began its slow crawl through the outlands to the University. For many minutes, I stared lazily at the mean shacks and sheds trackside, the workers shoveling dirt into wagons for seemingly no purpose. Finally, I began Pondicherry.
Then, there was a rumble, an explosion and, shortly thereafter, the vibrations of a violent concussion. IT’S CHANGING AGAIN, I thought and I began to panic. Everything faded.
And then I was suddenly standing before a fat plumber. He was slowly chewing gum and eyeing me up and down. “I brought the one you asked for, you pathetic shit wedge,” he commented. “36,000 BTU. No fucking around. I’m leaving the giant cardboard box, though.” He was challenging me. “If you think I’m cutting that up and leaving it out for recycling, then you’ve got another thing coming, you insolent mother-loving godless asscone.”
I inquired about the asscone comment. He stopped chewing and his body straightened in a most threatening manner. I let it go.
After he installs the new hot water heater, I guess I’ll finish Pondicherry.
Royer Falls From Improperly Stacked Logs
By Hugh G. Pickens
Crime Beat Reporter
File photo
It is reported that Terrifying Bat GM Ric Royer fell from some improperly stacked logs today. The executive is believed to be resting comfortably according to officials at the Foontz-Flonnaise Home of Abundant Senselessness.
The incident occurred this afternoon as Royer and another inmate were prancing around a log pile. “All of the sudden, Mr. Royer decided to hop up on top of the log pile,” noted Warden Jenness, who was interviewed while overseeing the placement of some decorative hams in his office. “This movement was a childlike expression of pure joy, a splendid example of a man learning the beauty of the physical form and its ability to hop but unfortunately some of the logs had been stacked improperly and he fell backwards onto his head. We regret the incident.”
Warden Jenness added that the individual responsible for the improper stacking (an Islander) has been taken to a clearing and whipped mercilessly by parties unknown.
Royer was unavailable for comment but according to witnesses, the executive did sit up momentarily and remarked, “I wish those logs had been stacked properly” before succumbing again to unconsciousness.
The Pondicherry Association has yet to issue an official statement.
Pondicherry Readers Speak Out
By Kevin Thurston
Lankville City
File photo
I spend most of my time in very frightening, windowless rooms. There is no decoration of any sort in my rooms. Once, I had a poster that depicted two kittens on top of a gigantic ball of yarn. The caption read KEEP HANGING ON BECAUSE WE’RE KITTENS AND WE DON’T KNOW WHAT ELSE TO DO. It was given to me as a present and I thought it was funny for two days but then I took it down and pushed it into a neighbor’s mailbox.
I ordered a copy of the Pondischerries [sic] Book because I believe in small press publications. This one is particularly nice. It’s got a big graph inside with statistics of all sorts and some stories and the paper smells vaguely of the East. It’s a good “snow” book. By that, I mean it’s good to read when it’s snowing.
The light is beginning to dim. I only know this because there is a distant section of this apartment where there may be a window. There is a perpetual state of darkness in my rooms but it is worse at night.
I have a pair of shorts left. They are loose around the waist.
The rest of Thurston’s account was a series of completed word jumbles.
24-Piece Men Fan Fest Marred by Constant Whipping
By Tommy “The Anvil” Bulova
Small Events Attache
File photo
The first annual 24-Piece Men Fan Fest today was marred by long periods of patron whipping, sources are confirming.
The whipping, dispensed by club owner Chris Vitiello was constant throughout the two-hour festival.
“They had put out these giant washtubs full of hots dogs [sic], buns, candy and thin, shaved steaks,” said attendee Bud Podbelian, who brought his two children to the event. “Every time I’d lean over to get some of the steaks, because I like those, this Vitiello character would eerily appear and whip me near to death. I had to run for cover.”
“I never did get any of those thin, shaved steaks which I was planning to put on a series of stacked buns, thereby creating a much taller sandwich than anyone else,” added Podbelian, who was later forced to eat part of a tent at gunpoint.
Vitiello readily admitted to the whippings but noted that they were not indiscriminate.
“I have always been blessed with the ability to discern immediately who requires a whipping. I am seldom wrong.”
The event was held prior to the grand opening of Vitiello Decorative Hams Arena.
Tucker, Stamps Return to Association
By Dick Oakes, Jr.
Senior Staff Writer
File photo
The expansion Hoover Island Stamps have returned to the Pondicherry Association, sources are reporting.
“We are experiencing intermittent glee at the thought of their return,” said commissioner Dr. Albert C. Pondicherry, Jr. “They sent some nice gifts along too– a large wooden salad bowl with tongs, some fleece throws and some island Papayas which were ravenously torn apart by Association executives. They didn’t show much interest in the salad bowl and the throws– just kind of lightly pawed at them before casting them into a dark, shadowy, unlit corner but the whole point is that it shows that the Hooper [sic] Islanders are a gracious people.”
The Stamps had revoked their expansion application in December over frustration at the lockout.
“The people of Hoover Island are known for their patience,” said club owner Aaron Tucker, who was interviewed while breakfasting at a nude diner. “But this [the lockout] was too much to bear. It appears now that things are headed in the right direction and we will see hockey on Hoover Island before too long.”
Tucker, whose island is primarily nudist, discussed the pitfalls of introducing this custom into Association hockey.
“We have a great number of ideas floating around,” said the monarch, as a heavyset unclad waiter dished out second servings of coffee, syrup skins* and jellied hand cakes**. “We are working with engineers to construct a nudist section at our principle arena which will be covered by a floating glass curtain rendering it invisible to TV viewers. We are sensitive to Lankville’s general rejection of our custom and know that viewers will probably not be amenable to witnessing male fans and their dangling, jiggling balls or female fans bending over to reach something in their pocketbooks and revealing their round exposed rumps. We are working to come up with a solution.”
The Stamps have yet to unveil their jerseys for the upcoming season though Tucker revealed a few details.
“We’re going with brown. A dark, muddy type of brown. The socks will be a teal blue. That’s all I’m saying right now.”
Tucker then ended the interview and was whisked away to his next engagement.
*Editor’s note: Popular breakfast dish on Hoover Island
**Commonly known as doughnuts.
ACCOMMODATIONS
When staying in the Area Beyond the Outlands, pick the Murray. Friendly, creative staff, delightful beds, curtains. Phone Far Outlands 5-6712.
LANKVILLE DAILY NEWS: IN BOOK FORM!
The book is gone. It will never return. We hear stories but they are likely false. We live in the woods now. We make fire with a lighter that we found in the street. It was crushed by a truck but, somehow, perhaps through some intervention that is beyond us, it still works. We are waiting. We are waiting.
Original Pondicherry Association News promotional advertisement (2009)
TONIGHT ON TV! RICHARD AND THE POSTMAN REUNION SPECIAL!
The Hit program from the 1970's returns to Lankville TV tonight on LBC!
ADULT ADVERTISEMENT
Women all over Lankville are just sitting at mammoth computers waiting to hear from men like you! Just insert a floppy disk, write a (non-sexual) message and let the sparks fly! (Computer not included).
ADVERTISEMENT
A Vitiello Decorative Ham makes a great gift. Show that you care today.
BANDED DUFFELS ON PALLETS
Assorted colors. Whatever you want to do, man. Call Lankville Falls, 3247.
BRIAN SCHROPP IN THE LANKVILLE DAILY NEWS
The most important cuisine articles ever written.
CANDY
Jipps Co. Full Service Candy Counter! Our alert girls will push gummy drops into special paper sheaths, engage in restrained pleasantries and explain chocholate-to-nougat ratios. Call Central Lankville 3614.
CAT PHOTO
In compliance with Lankville subsection 11:16-4.
CHAMBERS CO. HAND DRILLS: When Electricity is Not an Option
When electricity is not an option consider the Chambers Company hand crank drills. Perfect for use in tight spaces, on distant islands or for drilling holes in fences to see TITS. Call 4-2309.
EMPLOYMENT
Big Ed's BBQ Shack is looking for a part-time waitress. Someone who doesn't nose around and ask a lot of difficult questions. Call Lankville Rougher Area, 5-2100.
EMPLOYMENT
Nuts, Ah! is looking for an experienced nut-handler. Experience with bagging nuts also important. If you break the nut sack, the nuts will drop onto the floor. Come in person for application to Twin Removed Pines Mall. NO CALLS.
FOX FOR PARTIES
Hire the Poetry Fox for Your Child's Next Party. Reasonable rates. Writes poems, dances, will not stand for any shenanigans. Call South Lankville 2009.
The funny stories of Dick Oakes, Jr. have thrilled millions. Look for them today in The Lankville Daily News!
GELSINGER’S ALLURE CLUB
Topless, bottomless wonderland. Mysterious back rooms. Carpeted entirely in astroturf. NO CALLS.
GREBOV BROTHERS TELESCOPE COMPANY
The Grebov Brothers are Lankville's finest purveyor of telescopes for astronomy enthusiasts. Substantial 4.5" apertures and fast f/4 focal ratios provide bright, detailed views of solar system targets like the Moon and planets, as well as wide-field celestial objects like nebulas and star clusters but also TITS.
GUMP PENETRATES
Only in The Lankville Daily News
HADBAWNIK HAUNTED STAIRCASE COMPANY
The Hadbawnik Company is Lankville's #1 installer of haunted, brush-littered staircases. Friendly non-foreign staff! Call Western (Outer) Lankville, 2154 or 2198 today.
HADBAWNIK HAUNTED BRUSH PILES!
The Hadbawnik Haunted Staircase Company is now offering haunted brush piles for use on your staircase. Create eerie, supernal ambiance. Allow the brush to blow haphazardly in the wind, creates fear, foreboding. Call our friendly staff of white people at Western Lankville, 2154. Brush piles may contain other forms of yard debris.
HEY! WANT A MONKEY?
Hey! Want a live little monkey? They do cute things like climb into pumpkins. Call "The Captain"- Central Lankville Hills, 5264.
HOME DUMP Your Neighborhood Hardware Store 16 Lankville Locations!
Weekly Special: Primitive Forged Hooks. Buy 4, Get a Can of Paint. Or Maybe Not. You'll Just Have to Find Out.
INFLAMED BY STARS AND BLOOD
Lankville's Premier Science Fiction and Horror Magazine Now Appearing in The Lankville Daily News!
JOHNNY PADRES, OPTICIAN
Lankville has been relying on Dr. Johnny Padres for their optical needs since 1973. We offer a full service family eye care center and provide examinations for glasses and contacts and have a large display of designer, traditional and innovative eyewear for both regular prescription eyeglasses and sunglasses all of which will enable you to see TITS better. Call Lankville Business 2618-2.
LIFE LESSONS FUNERAL HOME
Life Lessons Funeral Home has been helping Lankville with dead people since 1932. Contact Eddie or Stummins, Lankville Business, 5-2161.
LOOK AT THESE BEAUTIES!
Really some of our best ever! Have you ever seen anything like it? Call Kelly (male) at Lankville Sound 2615.
MISSING
Missing: adult penguin. Christ, I just let him out in the yard for one minute and now he's gone. Responds to the name "Richard". Call Lankville Eastern Outlands, 5-6213.
NOW PLAYING!
The Unhinged: A New Film by Tom "Vapor" Rayford. Crisp Street Cinema, Eastern Lankville
PINEAPPLE CITY: A New Way of Being
Pineapple City is a new way of being, feeling and having your shirt off. Located in the distant, barren Lankville Pines, Pineapple City is now accepting applications for sheds. Call PINES, 2-5771.
THE PUZZLER
In the pie chart above, what segment represents a certain specific strata of the general population?
REAL ESTATE
Little shed for sale. With door, mailbox, dirt plot. Site of multiple murders but don't worry, they happened around back. To inquire, come to the shed. Go around back.
REAL ESTATE
Four acre lot in Eastern Lankville Cove Area. Price reduced! Site of a fireworks display in which several people fell out of their lawnchairs and died. Locals believe it haunted but that's crap. Call Cove 2751.
THE RECKONER EXACTRA 2.0 : A Danny Madison Product
It's Your Time: CALCULATE
SARAH SAMWAYS: CONTRIBUTING FEMALE
Exclusively in the Lankville Daily News (and some other papers).
SPEAKING ENGAGEMENT
Robin Brox will sit around and get progressively more intoxicated while listening to this other broad natter on about something. LANKVILLE REGIONAL AUDITORIUM, August 4, 11PM.
SPEAKING ENGAGEMENT CANCELED
The Dr. M. Chambers speech and candy-making event has been canceled again following Dr. Chambers' sudden collapse into some baskets. New date TBA
TRAVEL TIPS by Randy Hammers
The Kum Back Inn in the Lankville Desert Area has long been serving road-weary travelers. They feature a restaurant (with cocktails) and two spacious conference rooms. The Kum Back boasts 65 units-- each including window dressing, some chairs and a larger chair (seats two smallish children), a bed with orange comforter, a plastic trash can, clever paintings, and a windowless door. TV also available in 17 (sometimes 19) rooms. Most of the rooms are air-conditioned. Oscillating fans available upon request. Illuminated carports will protect your vehicle from the vicious sudden dust storms that often overtake the Desert Area and the wild thieves that occasionally parade across the landscape like some unmentionable horror. Call now at TU-0780 and ask for Bud or Karen (married).
UTILITY YARD SHEDS
The Lowinger Brothers offer great utility yard sheds at low prices. This one is haunted. Call Lankville Port Area 1072.
VACATION PACKAGES!
Spectacular vacations in campers by little mountains. Your cares will melt away but you will have to be careful of that shack (pictured). A lunatic lives there. Call Mercantile District 2711.
WRESTLING TONIGHT!
8PM, Southern Lankville Man-Arena. Featuring Ric "Wild Boy" Tipps (green trunks).
ZACH KEEBAUGH INVESTIGATIONS
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