Archive
Pondicherry, Jr. Named President
By Brock Belvedere
Albert C. Pondicherry, Jr. was named President of Lankville last night, as expected.
A junta, which consisted of several Lankville business magnates and a small armed force, elected the 38-year old son of the recently-deceased President in a landslide.
“A consensus was reached. Lankville has a new leader,” noted Decorative Ham tycoon Chris Vitiello, who gave a short press conference outside a “Horn of Comfy Hotel” in Eastern Lankville where the election was held. “Doubtless, you pusillanimous miscreants will begin filling the pages of your various newspapers with the usual bathos.” Vitiello scanned the room slowly. “I should whip you all,” he noted.
The Lankville Daily News is lusciously delighted beyond measure to present the first exclusive interview with President Pondicherry.
BB: You will be replacing your father as President. Big shoes to fill?
Albert C. Pondicherry, Jr.
AP: We’ll see. I’m not healthy enough for any sort of sexual activity.
BB: You were your father’s assistant for many years so I take it that you know the in’s and out’s of Lankville.
AP: I know about the in’s and out’s, I’m just not healthy enough for it.
BB: What do you think possessed your father? Why did he cuss at the lion?
AP: You can take a warmed sponge, lovingly apply it to the nape of a woman or man’s neck, press gently, and watch the stream cascade down their back until it arrives in that gorgeous, esoteric reality just above the haunches. It’s good if you have either candles or a hard film light as it will flicker and glow in the water. Your choice.
BB: Do you intend to make any changes during your Presidency?
AP: Find yourself some long, brown, grape-flavored cigarettes. Over dinner, suddenly light one up. Blow the smoke slowly into a woman or man’s face. Flick the cigarette away without breaking their gaze. Don’t worry if it burns someone. The world has suddenly become very small, there is a flash followed by several low concussions. That is the sound of their heart.
BB: Are you…?
AP: Find the mouth of a great underwater cave. Rip off the bikini or tight zebra-patterned trunks of your lover. Say, “What do you think I am, baby– a pervert? It’s just an expression I use.”
BB: Thank you. Lot of things going on right now in Lankville, huh?
AP: I’m not sure.
BROCK PENETRATES
By Brock Belvedere, Jr.
Alleged astronaut Nick Del Rio presented a paper outlining his recent space travels to a group of distinguished scientists today at Goddards Famous Astronaut Center in Lankville. The explorer was then presented with several medals from NASPA and met with the media afterwards. Brock Belvedere had a chance to sit down for a one-on-one.
BB: I hate you.
ND: Listen, do you have any real questions?
BB: Let’s talk about Lankville. I know it’s not as important as this space crap but what are your thoughts on the rise of Challenges in the country?
ND: Certainly the country has taken its lumps but I think…
BB: I hate you. Everybody hates you.
ND: …but I think that if we look to President Pondicherry…
Nick Del Rio ASSHOLE
BB: I hope you die in space.
ND: Listen, can I finish please?
BB: OOOH! Look at the big fancy space asshole. I’m a delicate space asshole and I cannot be interrupted.
ND: Alright, we’re done here.
This has been another penetrating interview by Brock Belvedere, Jr.
An Interview with Shane Meyer’s Aunt Pam
Unflattering File Photo
By Brock Belvedere, Jr.
Senior Staff Writer
The Lankville Daily News had a chance to sit down with Shane Meyer’s only known relative, who asked to be identified as “Aunt Pam”. The meeting took place in a dim basement hallway that smelled vaguely of educational chemicals.
BB: Do you think your nephew really perished in that tire house explosion/fire?
AP: He was a strange child. He had an odd way of staring directly through someone.
Aunt Pam
BB: Were you surprised when he made a fortune in fried plantains?
AP: Yes. He had no interests outside of semi-professional man wrestling.
BB: It’s well-known in the hockey community that you were quite a dish at one time.
AP: I was compared often to different actresses that appeared in certain specific films.
BB: Tell me about your bosom, as in, your bosom in its prime.
AP: I remember the exact day that I realized it had fallen. We were at a country fair and I was standing by a gigantic, industrial popcorn frier. My late husband commented on the seriousness of the frier and someone mentioned the amount of kelvins. I looked down and it hit me then.
BB: Do you have anything else?
AP: I make yarn Christmas ornaments. I sell them.
The interview sort of just slowly collapsed then. Nothing else was said.
Brock’s Obsessions: A Men’s Health Column
By Brock Belvedere, Jr.
Senior Staff Writer
File photo
I have loved only one woman. But she has left me.
Yet, she still dwells in the same cold, darkened house. In the very next room, in fact. Upon occasion, I awake, my eyelids wet with tears from some unremembered dream, and I believe her to be there. There is a sound and then the creak of a door and she is gone.
I lay awake for hours, tormented by hostile thoughts. I scan photographs of her past lovers. A foreign artist, a sort of filmmaker, another artist– all of them more beautiful than I. And I imagine her nights then, in the mysterious woods and the endless, harvested fields. I was not there with her and I am not there now.
I sit in a chair in a little room filled with old books and look out at the falling leaves of autumn. The giant beans from a cigar tree litter the overhang; a siren can be heard far off in the distance. What does the siren indicate? My interpretation may be obscure to some but I have come to believe it.
I wake again, long before dawn. Another lonely, fitful night. She is not there.
I go to the mirror. There is a cream purchased secretly, manufactured in Lankville by the Buntz Mallows company, a concoction made of shea butter, Vitamin E and mallows. It is meant to reinvigorate the skin. I slather it liberally across my face– it fails to transform me. “You are still ugly Brock,” I say, into the mirror. “You can not compare to the past lovers. That is why she does not want you.” I think of more– a tall blonde dancer, a little archivist with a Christ-like body, a tiny boy of the East.
I repair to the pitch-black attic with a flashlight and a sobbing towel. There is a box there– formerly housing a Vitiello Decorative Ham, now filled with old photographs. There are a series of my lover and I, taken very early, when her desire was perhaps extant– our expressions are serious but satisfied as we pose for a long-forgotten shutterbug. I look over these longingly.
Then, I come to a smaller album, decorated in lace, perhaps hand-made. And inside, a straight-on shot taken at a dance perhaps, or some sort of party– the sort of affair to which I would have never been invited. And my lover is engaged in a deep, soulful kiss with the artist. I pass the already moist sobbing towel across my eyes. I feel myself sinking.
I go to the office before dawn– no one is there. I am assigned an article on Lingus Nets matches. I have no interest in it and place it aside. And I scan the photographs again.
I imagine the warmth of her body. It has grown cold, autumn is arriving. But I do not have it.
Where is she?
I don’t know.
Further depressing men’s health articles by Brock Belvedere will appear in future issues.
Royer’s Madcap Experiences: The Mysterious Visitor
By Ric Royer
File photo
The vast auditorium was gloomy and tenebrous with the exception of a faint bluish light aimed at the stage. The mysterious visitor walked into it.
I was the only one in the audience. He looked right at me.
“Do you like puppets?” he asked.
“Yes,” I responded, quietly.
“Do you like magic?” he followed up quickly.
“Yes,” I said, even fainter this time.
There was a pause. Then:
“Do you like balloons?”
“Yes.” I knew he could hear my response but it was practically soundless. He walked offstage. The lights went up slightly. The pageant was clearly over.
Pucking Around: Brock Belvedere’s Notebook
By Brock Belvedere, Jr.
Senior Staff Writer
File photo
BATS DOMINATE
The Terrifying Bats continue to dominate in the P.A., having held the top spot for nearly a month after a slow start to the campaign. “We have a lot of quality players, fluid players,” noted GM Ric Royer, who was interviewed in his new van. “At first, I was hesitant about Keith Candles [sic] and Ilya Candles [sic] but they’ve proven…”
Royer suddenly paused when he noticed that the van had a large flip-down ashtray with cigarette lighter.
“Look at this!” the executive exclaimed loudly. “This van is a virile, limitless box of curiosities. The wonder is an endless fount!”
The GM then kicked this reporter in the face four times and the interview was ended prematurely.
CATCHING UP WITH “INNER HAMMER”
The Small Pizzas have been maintaining a close second to Royer’s Bats all season despite the absence of their enigmatic owner “Inner Hammer”. The Hammer has been on extended vacation in the Teets Island Chain since late summer. We caught up with the executive at an outdoor market where he was screaming at a local vendor over the price of a pineapple.
“You have to be firm with these people,” he explained. “They are beautiful people but occasionally you have to berate them if you want to get a reasonable deal on pineapples.”
“Inner Hammer” sat down for a brief interview.
BB: Will you be returning to Lankville?
IH: Probably not, Brock. I’m thinking of getting married to a native girl.
BB: What about Aunt Pam?
IH(clearly confused): I’m not sure I know the reference…
BB: Let’s move on. Settling down, eh?
IH: Well, settling down is a phrase you can use if you want to fit into the desperate hierarchical systems of Lankville. I’ll still be out there, regularly slapping a batch around if you know what I’m saying.
BB: That vendor is putting out more pineapples.
IH: THAT MOTHERFUCKER! (Inner Hammer ran back to the table screaming and the interview was ended).
BROX COLUMN TO CONTINUE
It was announced yesterday that Woman in a Man’s Game, Robin Brox’s new column, will continue in future issues of The Pondicherry Association News.
“She offers a fresh perspective on the game and on life,” noted senior staff reporter Grady Kitchens. “We’ve had a few women reporters before like that old yarn lady [Lida Fjord] and that little tiny woman that reported on society [name forgotten] but after awhile they either died or went missing. So, it’s good to welcome Ms. Brox aboard.”
Brox, interviewed at her Western Lankville uncolored condiment factory, was pleased at the news.
“I’ve always been able to write. When I was a teenager, I wrote a series of poems about all those space shuttles that exploded back in the 80’s and I won a prize. Then, in college, I wrote some short stories about all those other space shuttles that exploded. I guess I stopped writing right around when they stopped trying to launch space shuttles. But people still remembered my work. If they start launching space shuttles again, I’ll probably take up the pen once more.”
Pucking Around: Brock Belvedere’s Notebook
By Brock Belvedere, Jr.
Senior Staff Writer
File photo
TRANSACTION REACTION
The Association has been wildly and sometimes murderously abuzz with talk of the recent goaltender trade between the 24-Piece Men and the Uncolored Condiments. “It was felt that we had problems with our goal mouth,” noted 24-Piece Men GM and owner Chris Vitiello, who swapped Cory Schneider to the Condiments for Pekka Rinne. “I am quite regretful of all the serial killers that the trade has incited; that was certainly not our intention.”
“It is the first time I’ve ever seen anything like it,” noted Detective Gee-Temple, who was assigned to the cases. “The trade just set off some bad chemicals in the minds of certain unstable individuals and we’ve seen a wave of murders, mostly in the hills and behind the cold storage facility. We hope that we are closing in on the perpetrators.”
Commissioner Pondicherry has yet to release a statement.
HOOVER ISLAND UPDATE
The expansion Hoover Island Stamps have sold out all of their home contests thus far and are enjoying their inaugural season in the Pondicherry Association despite languishing miserably in last place.
“The play of the club has been appalling,” said monarch and club owner Aaron Tucker. “But the primarily nude people of our island have supported the club with their usual zeal and it has quickly become a tradition to root for this distressingly poor club and its eerie, shocking, petrifying lack of ability.”
Tucker smiled widely while crying for nearly a minute before finally excusing himself from the room.
THE HAUNTED PEN
A haunted hog pen was discovered last night on a nearby farm.
“We do not yet understand the ramifications of this,” noted commissioner Dr. Albert C. Pondicherry, Jr., who was interviewed while staring at an exercise machine in his living room. “It has been confirmed haunted and no one is daring to approach it. That’s what we know now. I cannot discuss the ramifications of this on the league because we are still processing all the available information.”
The pen in question is a muddy, weedy enclosure on the side of a hill. The owner is currently unknown.
Pucking Around: Brock Belvedere’s Notebook
By Brock Belvedere, Jr.
Senior Staff Writer
File photo
JUMBO TRADE COMPLETED
A monstrous, jumbo trade was completed yesterday between the Hoover Island Stamps and the 24-Piece Men. Forward Rick Nash and blueliner Niklas Kronwall were sent to the 24-Piecers with forward Bobby Ryan and blueliner Ryan Suter going to the Stamps. The transaction was approved by Commissioner Pondicherry late last night and marked the second deal brokered by the Stamps in the past 24 hours.
“I was not entirely pleased with the necessary balance of both fervor and pathos on this club,” noted GM and island monarch Aaron Tucker, who was interviewed outside of Vitiello Decorative Hams Arena yesterday. “The people of Hoover Island watch sports not so much to watch “winning” but to enjoy the spectrum of human feelings and emotions that the players evoke. Also, it came to our attention that [Bobby] Ryan is really into nudity. Loves it. So he fits in well with our primarily nude island nation.”
Tucker suddenly fell into some trash and vomit and the interview was ended prematurely.
24-Piece Men GM Chris Vitiello was unavailable for comment.
GREAT PRESIDENT OF HELL BRIEFLY PERFORMS
Terrifying Bat GM “The Great President of Hell” (formerly Ric Royer) performed briefly at a “talent contest” last night near the town of La Hardy.
“He had a large cake and he brought the cake to a little table and then he talked a lot about the cake,” said a spectator, who refused to be identified. “He pointed out certain attributes of the cake that many of us had failed to notice and he broke down some barriers and allowed us to see something new, even if it was for an extremely short time.”
The performance completed, the Great President of Hell left the cake on the table. After a long period of silence, the spectators descended upon the cake all at once and 11 were killed in the ensuing melee.
CATCHING UP WITH FICK
Darkness GM “Fick” consented to be interviewed yesterday from his gloomy mansion on the Lankville Moors.
BB: Are we to believe that you have removed yourself from the day-to-day activities of Darkness?
F: More or less. I walk to the mountain over there every day. [Fick pointed in a direction in which no mountain was seen to exist].
BB: I see that you signed…
F: I don’t know these players. You can mention a name but it will mean nothing to me. So why do it?
BB: Someone has entered the room.
F: That’s the halfwit. The loud halfwit. Things will now rapidly deteriorate.
[The interview was ended].
Pucking Around: Brock Belvedere’s Notebook
By Brock Belvedere, Jr.
Senior Staff Writer
File photo
SMALL PIZZAS DOMINATE
The Small Pizzas continued to dominate in Pondicherry Association action last night and have mounted a large early lead in the circuit. GM “Inner Hammer”, who has watched his club on special roving satellite-telescreens from the Teets Island Chain, was pleased.
“This team knows how to get right in there by that net like it were a gaping orifice and then shoot that puck in as if it were a cumbersome but infinite load.”
Following a long, difficult period of silence, the executive suddenly added, “I’m a coital polymath” before signing off.
ASSOCIATION REPORTER HOSPITALIZED
Pondicherry Association News reporter Deacon Casper was hospitalized this weekend after being attacked by a cannibal.
The incident occurred near dusk on Saturday when Casper was placing large blue tarps over his lawn for reasons unclear.
“Mr. Casper’s yard is just a patchwork series of these tarps,” noted Detective Gee-Temple, who flew to the Southern Island Lankville District to investigate the incident. “He was laying another tarp down and a woods cannibal attacked him from behind with a big pipe. Mr. Casper was struck several times and dragged into the woods. Fortunately, he awoke just before the cannibal started to eat him and was able to escape and take refuge with some nearby shack people. The shack people nursed him back to health with roots and oatmeal and then he admitted himself to the hospital just to be sure. We are still looking into the identity of the cannibal.”
Casper is expected to be released later today unless he dies.
“NO PANDA PLAN”, SAYS PONDICHERRY
League commissioner Dr. Albert C. Pondicherry, Jr. says that the circuit has not scheduled a benefit for pandas and has no “specific panda plan”.
Dr. Pondicherry, who began his apology tour last night, also stated that the pandas should stop calling league offices and stop sending letters.
“We have a lot on our plate right now with the season just starting and this tour. I have no time to craft a panda plan. Perhaps in the future but I can make no promises.”
Pondicherry then put on a large, plaster Devils head and walked onstage to heavy jeering.
LANKVILLE DAILY NEWS: IN BOOK FORM!
The book is gone. It will never return. We hear stories but they are likely false. We live in the woods now. We make fire with a lighter that we found in the street. It was crushed by a truck but, somehow, perhaps through some intervention that is beyond us, it still works. We are waiting. We are waiting.
Original Pondicherry Association News promotional advertisement (2009)
TONIGHT ON TV! RICHARD AND THE POSTMAN REUNION SPECIAL!
The Hit program from the 1970's returns to Lankville TV tonight on LBC!
ACCOMMODATIONS
When staying in the Area Beyond the Outlands, pick the Murray. Friendly, creative staff, delightful beds, curtains. Phone Far Outlands 5-6712.
ADULT ADVERTISEMENT
Use your new Intermission TV Typewriter to communicate with hot women! Women are lying around, all over Lankville, just waiting for someone to type something on their TV's. It could be you. Available at your neighborhood electronics retailer.
ADVERTISEMENT
Vitiello Decorative Hams "Fall Batch" now available. Home inspection required. Leaves considerably extra. Call East Lankville 3298 or 4151.
BANDED DUFFELS ON PALLETS
Assorted colors. Whatever you want to do, man. Call Lankville Falls, 3247.
BRIAN SCHROPP IN THE LANKVILLE DAILY NEWS
The most important cuisine articles ever written.
CANDY
Jipps Co. Full Service Candy Counter! Our alert girls will push gummy drops into special paper sheaths, engage in restrained pleasantries and explain chocholate-to-nougat ratios. Call Central Lankville 3614.
CAT PHOTO
Compliance with subsection: 16.61(2), Lankville statutes.
CHAMBERS CO. HAND DRILLS: When Electricity is Not an Option
When electricity is not an option on your next job, consider a Chambers Company hand drill. With 3/8" chuck and gun-metal finish, the steel casing of the drill is thick and sturdy for durability and will come in handy for light construction, carpentry and also for DRILLING HOLES IN FENCES TO SEE TITS
EMPLOYMENT
Big Ed's Barbeque. Waitress needed, someone who doesn't nose around and ask a lot of questions. Call Hole 9913.
EMPLOYMENT
Nuts, Ah! is looking for an experienced nut-handler. Experience with bagging nuts also important. If you break the nut sack, the nuts will drop onto the floor. Come in person for application to Twin Removed Pines Mall. NO CALLS.
FOX FOR PARTIES
Hire the Poetry Fox for Your Child's Next Party. Reasonable rates. Writes poems, dances, will not stand for any shenanigans. Call South Lankville 2009.
The funny stories of Dick Oakes, Jr. have thrilled millions. Look for them today in The Lankville Daily News!
GELSINGER’S FRENCH TOAST
Topless, bottomless wonderland. Mysterious back rooms. Carpeted entirely in astroturf. NO CALLS.
GREBOV BROTHERS TELESCOPE COMPANY
The Grebov Brothers are Lankville's finest purveyor of telescopes for astronomy enthusiasts. Substantial 4.5" apertures and fast f/4 focal ratios provide bright, detailed views of solar system targets like the Moon and planets, as well as wide-field celestial objects like nebulas and star clusters but also TITS.
GUMP PENETRATES
Only in The Lankville Daily News
HADBAWNIK HAUNTED STAIRCASE COMPANY
The Hadbawnik Company is Lankville's #1 installer of haunted, brush-littered staircases. Friendly non-foreign staff! Call Western (Outer) Lankville, 2154 or 2198 today.
HADBAWNIK HAUNTED BRUSH PILES!
The Hadbawnik Haunted Staircase Company is now offering haunted brush piles for use on your staircase. Create eerie, supernal ambiance. Allow the brush to blow haphazardly in the wind, creates fear, foreboding. Call our friendly staff of white people at Western Lankville, 2154. Brush piles may contain other forms of yard debris.
HEY! WANT A MONKEY?
Hey! Want a live little monkey? They do cute things like climb into pumpkins. Call "The Captain"- Central Lankville Hills, 5264.
HOME DUMP Your Neighborhood Hardware Store 16 Lankville Locations!
Weekly Special: Primitive Forged Hooks. Buy 4, Get a Can of Paint. Or Maybe Not. You'll Just Have to Find Out.
INFLAMED BY STARS AND BLOOD
Lankville's Premier Science Fiction and Horror Magazine Now Appearing in The Lankville Daily News!
JOHNNY PADRES, OPTICIAN
Lankville has been relying on Dr. Johnny Padres for their optical needs since 1973. We offer a full service family eye care center and provide examinations for glasses and contacts and have a large display of designer, traditional and innovative eyewear for both regular prescription eyeglasses and sunglasses all of which will enable you to see TITS better. Call Lankville Business 2618-2.
LIFE LESSONS FUNERAL HOME
Life Lessons Funeral Home has been helping Lankville with dead people since 1932. Contact Eddie or Stummins, Lankville Business, 5-2161.
LOOK AT THESE BEAUTIES!
Really some of our best ever! Have you ever seen anything like it? Call Kelly (male) at Lankville Sound 2615.
MEAT FRENZY
Call Kelly (male): 5-2614
MISSING
Missing: adult penguin. Christ, I just let him out in the yard for one minute and now he's gone. Responds to the name "Richard". Call Lankville Eastern Outlands, 5-6213.
NOW PLAYING!
The Unhinged: A New Film by Tom "Vapor" Rayford. Crisp Street Cinema, Eastern Lankville
PINEAPPLE CITY: A New Way of Being
Pineapple City is a new way of being, feeling and having your shirt off. Located in the distant, barren Lankville Pines, Pineapple City is now accepting applications for sheds. Call PINES, 2-5771.
THE PUZZLER
In the pie chart above, what segment represents a certain specific strata of the general population?
REAL ESTATE
Little shed for sale. With door, mailbox, dirt plot. Site of multiple murders but don't worry, they happened around back. To inquire, come to the shed. Go around back.
REAL ESTATE
Four acre lot in Eastern Lankville Cove Area. Price reduced! Site of a fireworks display in which several people fell out of their lawnchairs and died. Locals believe it haunted but that's crap. Call Cove 2751.
THE RECKONER EXACTRA 2.0 : A Danny Madison Product
It's Your Time: CALCULATE
SARAH SAMWAYS: CONTRIBUTING FEMALE
Exclusively in the Lankville Daily News (and some other papers).
SPEAKING ENGAGEMENT
Robin Brox will sit around and get progressively more intoxicated while listening to this other broad natter on about something. LANKVILLE REGIONAL AUDITORIUM, August 4, 11PM.
SPEAKING ENGAGEMENT CANCELED
The Dr. M. Chambers speech and candy-making event has been canceled again following Dr. Chambers' sudden collapse into some baskets. New date TBA
TRAVEL TIPS by Randy Hammers
The Kum Back Inn in the Lankville Desert Area has long been serving road-weary travelers. They feature a restaurant (with cocktails) and two spacious conference rooms. The Kum Back boasts 65 units-- each including window dressing, some chairs and a larger chair (seats two smallish children), a bed with orange comforter, a plastic trash can, clever paintings, and a windowless door. TV also available in 17 (sometimes 19) rooms. Most of the rooms are air-conditioned. Oscillating fans available upon request. Illuminated carports will protect your vehicle from the vicious sudden dust storms that often overtake the Desert Area and the wild thieves that occasionally parade across the landscape like some unmentionable horror. Call now at TU-0780 and ask for Bud or Karen (married).
UTILITY YARD SHEDS
The Lowinger Brothers offer great utility yard sheds at low prices. This one is haunted. Call Lankville Port Area 1072.
VACATION PACKAGES!
Spectacular vacations in campers by little mountains. Your cares will melt away but you will have to be careful of that shack (pictured). A lunatic lives there. Call Mercantile District 2711.
WRESTLING TONIGHT!
8PM, Southern Lankville Man-Arena. Featuring Ric "Wild Boy" Tipps (green trunks).
ZACH KEEBAUGH INVESTIGATIONS
Only in The Lankville Daily News
The Lankville Daily News 
LETTER SACK