Archive
If You’re Not Eating a Beezler’s, You Are Not Eating a Smore.
These guidos know what a smore is. They know Beezler’s.
A PAID ADVERTISEMENT
If you’re not eating a Beezler’s, you are not eating a smore.
So you think just because you are putting that graham cracker with melted chocolate and marshmallows in your mouth that you are eating a smore, eh? Well guess again. Guess as many times as you want, but you won’t be correct until you guess “No, I’m not eating a smore”. That’s because for 87 years, Beezler’s Terrific has served as Lankville’s ONLY authentic smore outlet in the region.
Made with REAL graham cracker, 100% chocolate chips AND marshmallows, a Beezler’s Terrific is a great use of your mouth.
We are located off Route 7 near the big golfing dome thing, come on by! The smell alone will put you and your family in a raptured, catatonic state. Choose from over 100 varieties of smores, including Pina Colata, The Nutty Brown Bear, and our newest creation: The Salty Fisherman. Ahoy matey!
So the next time someone hands you a graham cracker with chocolate and marshmallows on it, slap it right out of their goddamn hands because you deserve better. You deserve a Beezler’s.
The Sanduny Spa: Where Bliss is Only the Beginning
By Eric Gelsinger
Eric Gelsinger may or may not be the owner of the Sanduny Spa. This may or may not be a paid advertisement.
How do you feel RIGHT NOW!? Touch your spleen –is it turgid with bile? Palpate your gall bladder –is it angular? might you say even grinning? Do you feel that simply checking your truck-phone Prime Choice Singles Match inbox requires an exertion of heart and mind beyond your wildest imagination? Is your own name hateful to you, especially in the mouth of your insane landlord who has been vacuuming for 122 hours straight? Do you despise Time because it is the medium within which YOU –damn you!! – exist? Is the only thing stopping you from mercifully offing your miserable self the thought of all that effort? Well, it’s time to go to the Spa!!!!
How do I know? Because I’ve been, there, Lankville. I know what it’s like when your every thought is an atrocity against the laws of man and nature, and you’ve eaten all the caramel and cheddar popcorn, and you’ve run at the mirror with that ladder your raving lunatic neighbor gifted you for “Occultation Eve,” and you’ve donned iron boots to walk upon its fragments, and in the silver nitrate dust run again at the unfaded vestige on the wallpaper, until the floral print has torn asunder and the nightmarishly pink insulation has spilled out the plaster and yet the eidola of your image remains, so panting for breath you charge again. I know, Lankville. But I also know what it’s like to feel like this! WHOOPIEWHOOPWHOOPWOOPOOOOOOWHOOPWHOOPWHOOPIEDOOOO!!!
Sanduny Sauna Spa (photo by John Barlow)
What’s the difference between obsessive ramrodding self-hate, and vacant happiness? One trip to the Sanduny Spa!
Come to the Sanduny Spa, and feel the maniacal grin melt right off your bruised face as you enjoy a healthy steam. In the Foreign Area bath, sink into the pleasure as your self-inflicted wounds throb with hedonistic abandon. Treat yourself to a full-body massage –you’ll feel like your bipedal form is a bulbous balloon-animal twisting and squeaking in the hands of THE HAPPIEST CLOWN IN THE UNIVERSE. You bet your bippy, a day at the Sanduny Spa is like sitting spread legged in the tool shed with a shogun barrel in your mouth, only these shells are loaded with 100% LEADEN ECSTASY! Ch-ch-BANG! Ch-ch-BANG! Ch-ch-BANG! BANG! BANG! Can you feel it? Can you feel the long-awaited joy detonating in every concussed cavity of your living corpse? Well wait until you try “The Gimlet.”
So when you want it all to end, drive blindly and wildly all the way to the Sanduny Spa, where bliss is only the beginning, and everything in between, and more, and then some, and there’s no such thing as a little to much or a lot.
“The Reckoner”– a Danny Madison Product
“The Reckoner”
A PAID ADVERTISEMENT
“The Reckoner” is more than just a calculator. It’s the last word in portable, hand-held computation. You have arrived at the crest, my friends.
What does it do? Everything. Pop in the diskettes (sold separately) and “The Reckoner” will do more. That’s right. More than everything. This is the apex. Look down into the valley of poorly-designed calculators. It’s deep down there, isn’t it?
But you’re up here. Up here with “The Reckoner”. And there’s no going down again. There’s no going backwards.
Hold it in your hand. What do you feel? Power? Check. Allure? Check. The prospect of imminent sexual gratification? Check. Remember what we said. Everything.
$345 isn’t too much to pay. You deserve it. Celebrate life. Celebrate YOU. It’s your time– CALCULATE.
On sale now at select electronics retailers.
A DANNY MADISON PRODUCT
My Collection of 1982 First Generation Richard and the Postman Peachback Action Figures is Second to No One
By John Chubbucks
My collection of 1982 Richard and the Postman mint-in-box action figures is second to no one.
First off, my set is first generation. Second, they’re peachbacks. Third, they’re complete at 48 figures. Some people will try to tell you that the set is complete at 47. I’ve had to make a lot of people look stupid over the years. That’s because they forget about figure 48– “The Pantry Vampire”, which was only available by mail. One guy, just to try to make up for his ignorance, said, “Well, your copy of “The Pantry Vampire” is not mint-in-box.” Yeah, he actually said that. Then, he said, “The peachback card is not flat with bright colors and has obviously lost some of its original sheen.” If it hadn’t been for the degenerative nerve disease in my hands, I would have hit the guy. I really would have. Later, when a noted expert in the field judged my copy at C10 (mint), I was proven the victor.
Let me tell you something else about my set. They’re in the original boxes, like I mentioned. NOT ONE of the boxes is punched. The punch-hole is intact, perfect and has its original sheen. This is the pinnacle of mintness. There’s another guy down in the Southern Pond Area, that has 45 unpunched cards. I happen to loathe this guy but that’s not the point here. The point is that 45 isn’t 48. It’s not perfect. He’ll never be something that he’s not. He knows that.
Mrs. Pinshears figure from the 1982 set. Mr. Chubbucks would not allow his copy to be photographed, so the example shown is from a lesser collection.
Right now, I have a limited edition Price Guide to the Richard and the Postman 1982 Peachbacks available. There’s all you’ll ever need to know in here– 32 pages, side-stapled quarto. A “variant” edition is available with an extra four pages of color photographs (not from my collection, mind you but from lesser collections). I do not allow my collection to be photographed.
You can pay by check by sending $39.99 ($49.99 for the “special edition”) to John Chubbucks, c/o Linda Chubbucks, 268 Spoons Road, Eastern Lankville or by PayBuddy at chubbucksstickergod.spummail.net. Make checks out to CASH.
You’ll never need another resource.
DO NOT UNDERESTIMATE THE IMPORTANCE OF TROPHIES
Dr. Grabkurt (cartoon drawing)
A PAID ADVERTISING TESTIMONIAL
“I WILL TEACH YOU HOW TO WIN MORE TROPHIES…”
says Dr. Grabkurt, renowned “life” expert. Dr. Grabkurt believes that the trophy is man’s greatest barometer of success. “It is far more important than meaningless academic degrees or life experiences,” the trophy authority notes. “I will teach you how to acquire more trophies, bigger trophies, trophies that have more little gold people on top and trophies that will impress everyone, from potential “lovers” to business associates.” Sign up now for this once in a lifetime opportunity!
Fill out survey below or call General Lankville 5-2812.
NOW AVAILABLE Pamphlets by Dr. Grabkurt ($9.95 each!)
Sports Trophies: The Sleeping Giant
How to Parlay the Winning of a Big Trophy into a Deep, Satisfying Relationship (Heterosexual Only)
Dr. Grabkurt’s Guide to Avoiding Dying Alone and Trophy-less: A 26-Step Handbook
Name____________________
Dr. Grabkurt: Unfailing Dependability
Address_________________
Number of Trophies
Have You Won____________
Clip and Mail to
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General Delivery
Lankville
The Casa Montecristo: An Elegant Reception Hall
A PAID ADVERTISEMENT
Casa Montecristo is an elegant reception hall. It has a fully-staffed dining room in which the waiters all wear waistcoats, cummerbunds, and patent leather shoes with little silver buckles on the sides. There are waitresses, too; they wear smart blouses with flaring sleeves and skirts that catch the eye with nice silk tassels along the hem.
As part of our elegant reception atmosphere, Casa Montecristo provides the utmost in chafing dishes for our buffet service. They are kept warm with a Bunsen flame that hovers between 247 and 253 degrees Fahrenheit so that our veal medallions are maintained at a juicy succulence, awaiting the tongs of eager diners at just the right level of fiery heat.
Casa Montecristo features the musical stylings of Deejay Humphrey. Deejay Humphrey has fashioned the soundscape for countless wedding receptions, large hat parties, and rotary club gatherings. He comes equipped with the latest in stereophonics, along with a selection of classic hits from yesterday and today that is second to none. We are proud to have offered the services of Deejay Humphrey at Casa Montecristo every year for the past fifteen years.
Stunning women get very happy and smiley when they attend an event at the Casa Montecristo.
If you don’t hold your event at Casa Montecristo, where are you going to go? Dimitri’s? Elysium Hall? Please. Over the years we have had occasion to hire some of their former employees, and the composite picture that emerges from what they have told us about those establishments is not pretty– rolls that you really need to press into to cut with your butter knife, napkins not folded into a proper isosceles triangle shape, chairs that look comfortable, but when you sit in them, there is the distinct smell of death and horror. You get the picture.
Casa Montecristo is an elegant reception hall. That’s really all you need to know, isn’t it? Put down whatever you’re doing, stop wondering where you’re going to hold your next party, quit fucking around, and book us today. LANKVILLE SNOWY LAKE AREA- 5271
EDITOR’S NOTE: Copy by David Hadbawnik but not the same David Hadbawnik that is a columnist for The Lankville Daily News.
A Decorative Oar Makes a Great Thanksgiving Centerpiece
By Floyd Tingley
A PAID ADVERTISEMENT
Now, I know what you’re thinking– the boating season’s over, all the nautical-themed outdoor decorations have been dusted off and stored inside for the long winter– there’s no call for a decorative oar right now. Well, I’m here to tell you that a decorative oar makes a great Thanksgiving centerpiece. Get your wife to lay a bed of hollies down and you’ve got yourself a real conversation starter. Get two and on the big day, you can drop that beautiful bird right down in between them. Creates symmetry, it’s pleasing to the eye. I’ve had many a repeat customer.
Right now, at Tingley Presentation Oars, we’re having a holiday sale. You pay full price (that’s $195 including customized gold-plated engraving) for your first oar and I’ll throw the second oar in for just $165. That’s a savings of $30. Times are tough these days. That $30 will come in handy.
You can write me: Tingley Little Presentation Oars, 55 Knobs, South Lankville, 2-111. Serious inquiries only (I don’t have time for no nonsense). And remember: a Tingley little presentation oar is the best little presentation oar.
This Week in Lankville
Kimball J. Cranney
ROYER CHANGES NAME
Institutionalized Lankville business magnate Ric Royer has changed his name to “Cor Scorpionis, Blood Probationer” according to sources following the story.
“He asked us to set up a lectern, some lights and a minimized buffet,” stated Warden Jenness of the Foontz-Flonnaise Home of Abundant Senselessness, where Cor Scorpionis is incarcerated. “But then he spent all morning in his room, putting together a puzzle so we have yet to receive an official statement.”
Cor Scorpionis, who was later interviewed privately, explained the change, his third this year.
“It is folly and a rape of truth to ignore the machinations,” stated the executive, who was clearly distracted by both the completed puzzle (a photographic depiction of a dog lounging on an oversized bean bag chair) and his dazzling layout of illuminated porcelain Christmas structures. “I say furthermore that this layout is of the Circle, and of the eye of the great marker that sleeps not, but is vigilant. The Circle is nearly all-perfect, nearly equal in every way. And if I was ever brought my box of soda, it would be complete.”
Cor Scorpionis then gave his attendant a fierce look of disapproval and the interview was ended prematurely.
“SAVE THE PANDAS” DRIVE NOW ON
Fick to help pandas.
An organization of wealthy Lankville businessmen will sponsor a “Save the Pandas Day” with selected proceeds going to the cause, it was announced. Semi-portable typing machine magnate D. Fick was chosen to spearhead the initiative.
“Anything you can do to help these panda things,” Fick said, in an interview held near an area replete with small pandas. “If you can contribute $5 or just simply leave your car in a parking lot with a sign that says, “DONATED TO PANDAS”. Anything like that would really help save these panda things.”
Fick continued. “You can bring canned goods to a factory and you can just dump them wherever the hell you feel like it, even if it’s not really that close to the factory. People will know.”
Fick then ended the interview and climbed into a gigantic military vehicle with tinted windows.
DEATH CLAIMS AFFABLE BANKER CARSTAIRS
Dick Carstairs: Dead
Death came in search of affable banker Dick Carstairs yesterday afternoon. The agreeable financier was 65.
“Dick was involved in a lot of things,” noted widow Jean-Louise Carstairs, who was interviewed outside the Great Central Mountain Area Hospital while her husband lie expired inside. “He was very proud of his membership in the Chamber of Trade, his work with the Small Child Scouts and his chairmanship of our local Koala Bears and Walnuts Club. We’ll certainly miss him.”
Mrs. Carstairs (rated about a 5 of 10 by this reporter) would not disclose the cause of death despite excessive probing.
CONTEST ANNOUNCEMENT IMMINENT
The Lankville Daily News will reveal the details of a new contest for readers this week, sources are indicating. Although there are conflicting rumors as to the details, some sources suggest that the prize could either be $5,000, a trip for two to a cave, or a mechanical dinosaur.
September is Presentation Oar Month
By Floyd Tingley
A particular division of the Lankville Coastal Guarders that I work for has declared September “Presentation Oar Month”. How are we gonna’ celebrate at Tingley Little Presentation Oars, you ask? By having the sale of the century, that’s how.
We’re not messing around. Right now, you can get a hand-crafted little presentation oar for just $185. Couple different styles available. Creates that nautical look in your den, club basement, boat, or rented room. Comes with a gold hand-engraved plaque. Anything you want on there*. There’s not a single person I’ve done business with that has walked away unhappy. That’s my guarantee.
How can I afford to give these little presentation oars away at that price, you ask? Because I know that once you buy one Tingley Little Presentation Oar, you’ll keep coming back to me for all your little presentation oar needs. A Tingley little presentation oar is the best little presentation oar.
You can write me: Tingley Little Presentation Oars, 55 Knobs, South Lankville, 2-111. I’ve also set up an emails address just to accommodate the orders– it’s tingleylittlepresentationoars@lankvillewest.com Hurry up and place your order. It’s Presentation Oar month, after all.
* Except for anything irreverent (I reserve the right to use my discretion).
The opinions of Mr. Tingley are not necessarily the opinions of The Lankville Daily News and its subsidiaries.
ACCOMMODATIONS
When staying in the Area Beyond the Outlands, pick the Murray. Friendly, creative staff, delightful beds, curtains. Phone Far Outlands 5-6712.
LANKVILLE DAILY NEWS: IN BOOK FORM!
The book is gone. It will never return. We hear stories but they are likely false. We live in the woods now. We make fire with a lighter that we found in the street. It was crushed by a truck but, somehow, perhaps through some intervention that is beyond us, it still works. We are waiting. We are waiting.
Original Pondicherry Association News promotional advertisement (2009)
TONIGHT ON TV! RICHARD AND THE POSTMAN REUNION SPECIAL!
The Hit program from the 1970's returns to Lankville TV tonight on LBC!
ADULT ADVERTISEMENT
Women all over Lankville are just sitting at mammoth computers waiting to hear from men like you! Just insert a floppy disk, write a (non-sexual) message and let the sparks fly! (Computer not included).
ADVERTISEMENT
A Vitiello Decorative Ham makes a great gift. Show that you care today.
BANDED DUFFELS ON PALLETS
Assorted colors. Whatever you want to do, man. Call Lankville Falls, 3247.
BRIAN SCHROPP IN THE LANKVILLE DAILY NEWS
The most important cuisine articles ever written.
CANDY
Jipps Co. Full Service Candy Counter! Our alert girls will push gummy drops into special paper sheaths, engage in restrained pleasantries and explain chocholate-to-nougat ratios. Call Central Lankville 3614.
CAT PHOTO
In compliance with Lankville subsection 11:16-4.
CHAMBERS CO. HAND DRILLS: When Electricity is Not an Option
When electricity is not an option consider the Chambers Company hand crank drills. Perfect for use in tight spaces, on distant islands or for drilling holes in fences to see TITS. Call 4-2309.
EMPLOYMENT
Big Ed's BBQ Shack is looking for a part-time waitress. Someone who doesn't nose around and ask a lot of difficult questions. Call Lankville Rougher Area, 5-2100.
EMPLOYMENT
Nuts, Ah! is looking for an experienced nut-handler. Experience with bagging nuts also important. If you break the nut sack, the nuts will drop onto the floor. Come in person for application to Twin Removed Pines Mall. NO CALLS.
FOX FOR PARTIES
Hire the Poetry Fox for Your Child's Next Party. Reasonable rates. Writes poems, dances, will not stand for any shenanigans. Call South Lankville 2009.
The funny stories of Dick Oakes, Jr. have thrilled millions. Look for them today in The Lankville Daily News!
GELSINGER’S ALLURE CLUB
Topless, bottomless wonderland. Mysterious back rooms. Carpeted entirely in astroturf. NO CALLS.
GREBOV BROTHERS TELESCOPE COMPANY
The Grebov Brothers are Lankville's finest purveyor of telescopes for astronomy enthusiasts. Substantial 4.5" apertures and fast f/4 focal ratios provide bright, detailed views of solar system targets like the Moon and planets, as well as wide-field celestial objects like nebulas and star clusters but also TITS.
GUMP PENETRATES
Only in The Lankville Daily News
HADBAWNIK HAUNTED STAIRCASE COMPANY
The Hadbawnik Company is Lankville's #1 installer of haunted, brush-littered staircases. Friendly non-foreign staff! Call Western (Outer) Lankville, 2154 or 2198 today.
HADBAWNIK HAUNTED BRUSH PILES!
The Hadbawnik Haunted Staircase Company is now offering haunted brush piles for use on your staircase. Create eerie, supernal ambiance. Allow the brush to blow haphazardly in the wind, creates fear, foreboding. Call our friendly staff of white people at Western Lankville, 2154. Brush piles may contain other forms of yard debris.
HEY! WANT A MONKEY?
Hey! Want a live little monkey? They do cute things like climb into pumpkins. Call "The Captain"- Central Lankville Hills, 5264.
HOME DUMP Your Neighborhood Hardware Store 16 Lankville Locations!
Weekly Special: Primitive Forged Hooks. Buy 4, Get a Can of Paint. Or Maybe Not. You'll Just Have to Find Out.
INFLAMED BY STARS AND BLOOD
Lankville's Premier Science Fiction and Horror Magazine Now Appearing in The Lankville Daily News!
JOHNNY PADRES, OPTICIAN
Lankville has been relying on Dr. Johnny Padres for their optical needs since 1973. We offer a full service family eye care center and provide examinations for glasses and contacts and have a large display of designer, traditional and innovative eyewear for both regular prescription eyeglasses and sunglasses all of which will enable you to see TITS better. Call Lankville Business 2618-2.
LIFE LESSONS FUNERAL HOME
Life Lessons Funeral Home has been helping Lankville with dead people since 1932. Contact Eddie or Stummins, Lankville Business, 5-2161.
LOOK AT THESE BEAUTIES!
Really some of our best ever! Have you ever seen anything like it? Call Kelly (male) at Lankville Sound 2615.
MISSING
Missing: adult penguin. Christ, I just let him out in the yard for one minute and now he's gone. Responds to the name "Richard". Call Lankville Eastern Outlands, 5-6213.
NOW PLAYING!
The Unhinged: A New Film by Tom "Vapor" Rayford. Crisp Street Cinema, Eastern Lankville
PINEAPPLE CITY: A New Way of Being
Pineapple City is a new way of being, feeling and having your shirt off. Located in the distant, barren Lankville Pines, Pineapple City is now accepting applications for sheds. Call PINES, 2-5771.
THE PUZZLER
In the pie chart above, what segment represents a certain specific strata of the general population?
REAL ESTATE
Little shed for sale. With door, mailbox, dirt plot. Site of multiple murders but don't worry, they happened around back. To inquire, come to the shed. Go around back.
REAL ESTATE
Four acre lot in Eastern Lankville Cove Area. Price reduced! Site of a fireworks display in which several people fell out of their lawnchairs and died. Locals believe it haunted but that's crap. Call Cove 2751.
THE RECKONER EXACTRA 2.0 : A Danny Madison Product
It's Your Time: CALCULATE
SARAH SAMWAYS: CONTRIBUTING FEMALE
Exclusively in the Lankville Daily News (and some other papers).
SPEAKING ENGAGEMENT
Robin Brox will sit around and get progressively more intoxicated while listening to this other broad natter on about something. LANKVILLE REGIONAL AUDITORIUM, August 4, 11PM.
SPEAKING ENGAGEMENT CANCELED
The Dr. M. Chambers speech and candy-making event has been canceled again following Dr. Chambers' sudden collapse into some baskets. New date TBA
TRAVEL TIPS by Randy Hammers
The Kum Back Inn in the Lankville Desert Area has long been serving road-weary travelers. They feature a restaurant (with cocktails) and two spacious conference rooms. The Kum Back boasts 65 units-- each including window dressing, some chairs and a larger chair (seats two smallish children), a bed with orange comforter, a plastic trash can, clever paintings, and a windowless door. TV also available in 17 (sometimes 19) rooms. Most of the rooms are air-conditioned. Oscillating fans available upon request. Illuminated carports will protect your vehicle from the vicious sudden dust storms that often overtake the Desert Area and the wild thieves that occasionally parade across the landscape like some unmentionable horror. Call now at TU-0780 and ask for Bud or Karen (married).
UTILITY YARD SHEDS
The Lowinger Brothers offer great utility yard sheds at low prices. This one is haunted. Call Lankville Port Area 1072.
VACATION PACKAGES!
Spectacular vacations in campers by little mountains. Your cares will melt away but you will have to be careful of that shack (pictured). A lunatic lives there. Call Mercantile District 2711.
WRESTLING TONIGHT!
8PM, Southern Lankville Man-Arena. Featuring Ric "Wild Boy" Tipps (green trunks).
ZACH KEEBAUGH INVESTIGATIONS
Only in The Lankville Daily News
The Lankville Daily News 
LETTER SACK