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When You’re Ramping it Up with Big Chips, You Don’t Need No Safety Net

July 30, 2014 Leave a comment
By BIG CHIPS

By BIG CHIPS, Special Correspondent

When you’re out ramping it up with Big Chips, you don’t need no safety net.  What you need is a big barrel of OPEN MIND, a loving, flowing elixir of OPEN MIND to wash all over you, man.

I was out the other night with “The Cut” and “The Cut” said, “Yo, let’s go sit in the hilly parking lot and look out over the housing development.”  And I thought, “man, this guy is like a wizard”.  So, we scored a couple of packs of Dew Kitchens and three or four cow’s tails and drove on out there and watched the sunset.  Distantly, you could see a Dad standing around in his driveway with a limp hose.  “Look at that guy man,” “The Cut” said.  “He’s got the whole exquisite dream right there in his hand.”  I thought about asking what he was talking about but then I just said, “Yeah, yo.  It’s beautiful” and turned the map light on for effect.

When I got home, the Old Man was there.  “What’d you do today, Big Chips?” he said.  “I exposed myself to exquisite beauty,” I responded.  “Oh, that’s always good,” he said.  “I mean, I worked all day in an overheated office but, whatever.”  He went upstairs and turned on the clock radio.  That’s the kind of life he leads.

Because he’s always been afraid to ramp it up with Big Chips.

Ramping it Up For Easter with BIG CHIPS

April 8, 2014 1 comment
By BIG CHIPS

By BIG CHIPS

Yo, for the first time in a long-ass time, I suggested to Pops that we get some Easter decorations.

“What do you have in mind Cur…I mean, Big Chips,” Pops said, as we were chilling around the table eating some take-out wings.

“There’s a spread a few blocks from here. Got a big inflatable Easter bunny, right in the front yard.” I sat back and let that hang for a minute.

“No. No, I’m afraid not, Big Chips,” Pops said after he wiped his mitts clean of BBQ sauce. “Those inflatable decorations are cheap and tend to deflate easily. I’m not sure that you’re ready for that kind of responsibility.”

“I guess not,” I agreed. “Yo, Pops, what if we just get a couple a’ baskets. Some of that yellow Easter grass. Be awesome, yo!”

Pops took out his wallet. “I tell you what, Big Chips. I’ll give you ten dollars. See what you can get with that.” Then he started reading his paper and I just ended up falling asleep on the couch in front of this flick about aliens that came down with all these bags full of packing peanuts.

I slept until about two in the afternoon and then I took the ten and headed down to The Dollar Bush on my bike.

“Yo, what you got for Easter?” I asked the brown girl behind the counter. She had some smokin’ blonde hair and big round glasses and, I won’t bullshit you, she was maximum busty. It was awesome. She pointed in the direction of the holiday aisle and went back to filing her nails.

Detail of typical Easter grass.

Detail of typical Easter grass.

Big Chips picked out a couple of baskets and got two bags of Easter grass (green and yellow). I ditched the pink on account of finances. The girl rang me up and it came to five cents shy of the ten.

“Yo, right on target,” I said. She bagged everything up. I thought about asking for her digits but she didn’t look Big Chips’ way. To hell with it, I thought. Look at this Easter shit. It was a god damn haul.

I set it up on the mantle. It was beautiful. I sat on the couch for three straight hours just waiting for Pops to come home.

When he walked in the door, I pointed at the mantle. “The Big Chips Easter Committee is donnnnnnneeee,” I said. Pops had a bunch of mail or papers or something in his hand and seemed distracted. “It’s real nice Cur…I mean, Big Chips. Real nice.”

He went up to his room to change. Another successful day in the books.

Cause when you’re ramping it up for Easter with BIG CHIPS, you don’t need a safety net.

Ramping it Up With Some Mail with BIG CHIPS

November 6, 2013 Leave a comment

By BIG CHIPS
Special Correspondent
Photo on 2013-02-05 at 17.33
File photo

Yo, man, “The Cut” and I were hanging out on the porch real late the other night.  And “The Cut”, he goes, “Hey man, you ever think about the mail?”

Big Chips was a little discombobulated for a min but then I started to see where he was going.

“You got this dude, man, and he brings you mail.”  “The Cut” let the sentence waft through the air and out past the pines.

I looked out at the mailbox– nailed to a stake in the ground by the driveway.  I had walked past it a million times without any realization whatsoever of its purpose.

“They could put things from anywhere in the World in there,” I stated aloud.  “The Islands, the Snow Regions– man, you could even write to your next-door neighbor and they’d have to put that letter in their mailbox.”

“That’s what I’m saying, dude,” “The Cut” answered.  We slammed fists together and “The Cut” made one of those explosion sounds because truly it had blown our minds.

I woke up at 3PM the next day and waited for Pops to come home.

“Hey, Pops.  Big Chips wants to know what kind of mail we get,” I said.

“As a matter of fact, Big Chips, I forgot to get it.  Why don’t you go grab it for me?”

I didn’t feel much like crossing the yard but I went anyway.

And yo, man, there was like a summons in there.  For Big Chips.  Something about serving on a jury and all.

“What’s this, Pops?” I said, once I had returned to the kitchen.

“Looks like jury duty,” he said.  He started looking through a newsprint circular advertising Decorative Hams.  “Everybody has to do it.”

“Pops, it’s like “The Cut” predicted this, man.”

Pops looked at me funny.  Then he went back to the Decorative Ham ad.

So, dude, pretty soon Big Chips is gonna’ be ramping it up in the courtroom.

Ramping it Up with Some Pumpkins by BIG CHIPS

October 23, 2013 Leave a comment

By BIG CHIPS
Special Correspondent
Photo on 2013-02-05 at 17.33
File photo

It’s about that time of year again when Big Chips starts ramping it up with some pumpkins.

Let me break it down for you.

First off, Big Chips came into a little moolah.  Sold off all my Richard and the Postman action figures and playsets on the internet.  Then I drove straight out to the country to look at a 1977 Neptune Chariot complete with mag wheels that “The Cut” had told me about.   When I first saw that car, I knew it was like having a cool breeze blow through your mind.

A fat old guy in overalls came out to show it to me.  There was a big stack of pornography on the passenger seat.  “The magazines stay with the car,” he insisted.  That was cool with Big Chips, so I handed over my wad.  He counted it out and seemed satisfied.  Then, he started complaining about foreign masturbators.  I didn’t quite get the vibe but I heard him out.

A cow wandered out into the road, followed by the younger version of My Man.  “You gotta’ crush a tart in there!” the old man started yelling.  I figured it best to head.

I showed Pops the car when I got home.  “This car is almost 40 years old, Big Chips,” he said.  “What will you do if it starts breaking down?”

“It ain’t gonna’ break down Pops.  Big Chips’ new car is a ramped-up, exquisite journey-maker.”

Two nights later though, Big Chips’ chariot broke down in the drive-thru of a Taco Horn.

So, it’s gonna take a little longer than expected but Big Chips is gonna’ get there.  Some pumpkins are most-definitely gonna’ get ramped up.

Ramping Up the Dance Party with BIG CHIPS

October 1, 2013 Leave a comment

By BIG CHIPS
Special Correspondent
Photo on 2013-02-05 at 17.33
File photo

“The Cut” borrowed his Mom’s station wagon last night and we headed out to the dance party.  It was in an abandoned warehouse downtown.

On the way there, “The Cut” goes, “We gotta’ stop and pick up my boy Grant.  He’s a spray-paint artist.”

“Yo, that’s awesome,” I said.  But I was kind of confused.

“Skinny Grant.  The Granter.  Grant Money.”  “The Cut” fired up a blunt and screamed something out the window.

We picked up Grant.  He had a girl with him.   Gorgeous dark-haired beauty in a sun dress with a sweet face.  I fell in love immediately.  But she didn’t really look Big Chips’ way.   Just had eyes for this Grant character.  “We’re gonna’ make out,” he said, as they climbed into the back seat.  “Nice,” “The Cut” said.   I stared straight forward and tried not to listen.

We stayed at the dance all night.  Big light show, couple of dj’s spinning some electronica.

“Yo, ethereal,” said “The Cut”.  He horned in on a couple of girls, started dancing ’em up.  I noticed he had on these giant flared pants– “seventy inches, yo,” he said at one point, holding up his leg.  I couldn’t even see his foot.

I watched Grant and the girl.  They’d dance, then they’d make out between songs.  Someone snapped a photo.  I couldn’t take it anymore.

The sun was coming up when I finally walked outside.  Climbed up onto an old train bridge and watched the lights of the city flicker off.  There were a few cars on the underpass.  Then, I took the subway and a taxi home.  Pops paid the fare.

“How was your night, Big Chips?” he asked.  He had on a short tie and was loading papers into his battered briefcase.

“I tried ramping it up, Pops.  But I got distracted.”

“By what, Big Chips?

I didn’t want to talk about it.  We had some Buntz Mallows Cereal and then Pops went off to work.

I think I slept until three.

BIG CHIPS: Ramping it Up with Some Books

September 6, 2013 Leave a comment
By BIG CHIPS

By BIG CHIPS

So, my pops comes up to my room the other night.

“You ever think about taking a class, Big Chips?” he asked.

“Yo, pops.  I’m already taking a class.”

“Really?” he said.  He seemed excited.

“Yeah, pops.  I’m ramping it up in a university without walls.”  I pointed outside.

He looked at the floor and sighed.  “Just have a look at this, Big Chips.”  And he threw a catalog from the community college on my bed.

So, after I talked with Shayna on my cell for about two hours, I leafed through it.  There was nothing for Big Chips in there though.  Bunch of stuff like science and reading.  Nevertheless, I figured I’d please the old man and take some books out of the library.

The next day, he came into my room after work.  I had about five books open all over the bed and I was able to get my cell under the sheets before he saw it.

“What’s all this, Big Chips?”  He seemed real pleased.  That was cool.

“Yeah, Big Chips is figuring on a little self-education.”  I touched one of the books for effect.

“Oh.”  His shoulders drooped like they always do.

“Yep.  Just gonna’ ramp it up with some books here, Pops.”

“Right.”  I could barely hear him.  He disappeared into his room for the rest of the night.

Then, I texted the whole thing to my girl Shayna.  She wrote back something that was barely coherent.

But that’s cool, yo.

Cause when you’re ramping it up with some books, you don’t need no distractions.

BIG CHIPS: Ramping it Up for Autumn

August 26, 2013 Leave a comment

By BIG CHIPS
Special Correspondent
Photo on 2013-02-05 at 17.33
File photo

Man, I’m ready to ramp it up for autumn.

We’re going to get ourselves one of those big gourds, some of that hard corn and a couple of those big tables with benches and we’re going to put the whole thing out in the little side yard where “The Cut” has his fire pit.

One time we were out there and “The Cut” looked down the alley and saw that some of the asphalt was all cracked up.  “Yo, that’s gonna’ happen to all of us,” he said.  It was a profound moment.  He and his old lady started to make out on account of how profound it was.  They split up later cause she was banging some blonde dancer or something.

The other thing I like to do in the autumn is to drive those old country roads.  You can really ramp it up watching all those leaves change colors.  You don’t have anywhere to go, everything is nice and chill and you can stop at one of those roadside stands and buy some apple cider.  They always look at me funny at those roadside stands but I don’t let it bother me.

Cause when you’re ramping it up with Big Chips in autumn, you don’t need anyone else’s permission.

Plain Talk with BIG CHIPS

February 6, 2013 1 comment

By BIG CHIPS
Special Correspondent
Photo on 2013-02-05 at 17.33
File photo

There’s a lot of confusion in the world today. You see it everywhere, especially in the media. That’s why we need a new voice, and that’s why I’m your BIG CHIPS.

And I’m piled high like Farby’s* with ideas, opinions, and things. I got layers of horsey sauce in my Red, Green, Black, and Blood brain. Love it or leave it.

For example, I see my girl Notches down at Lankville Station for Fine Fruits, Meets [sic] and Emporium. And Notches walks real standup like with a cane, like she’s got a Teets Eagle claw stuck in her spine, and she’s got a set of bosoms that can put coconuts to shame in terms of hardness.

And I say, Hey Notches! But all I’m thinking is that her back’s probably fucked up because she’s bowling balls for boobs.

And then the store PA goes all attention shoppers something or other is wrong, and a whole mess of police start marching through in single file lines.

That’s when Notches seems to just read my mind and say something about how funny it was to be seen at the Fruit and Meat Emporium.

Don’t know what the world is coming to.

*Popular Lankville roast beef establishment.

A. Lowinger contributed to this article.

Ramping it Up with BIG CHIPS

February 5, 2013 Leave a comment

By BIG CHIPS
Special Correspondent
Photo on 2013-02-05 at 17.33
File photo

The colors of the Lankville flag are red, green and black.  My heart pumps red, green and black blood, baby.  Love it or leave it.  This is BIG CHIPS.

You better believe that BIG CHIPS zig-zags through life.  It’s an odyssey.  A Lankville odyssey.  But I wouldn’t have it any other way.  I’m out there searching for my Lankville.  In a camper.

They tried to give BIG CHIPS an office job.  With some decorative ham factory.  But BIG CHIPS can’t stay in one place, man.  He’s gotta’ keep moving.  In a camper.

You’re gonna’ be hearing a lot more from BIG CHIPS.

Big Chips has many outstanding opinions.