Royer’s Madcap Experiences: Orion Revisted (Part II)
By Ric Royer
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We touched down in Orion about two in the afternoon. There was a cabstand but no one wanted to go into town.
“You got the wrong kind of bounty in that place,” said one driver, who leaned against a pole smoking a cigarette. “Yep. Bad-tasting cake in Orion. There’s a carrot there, alright, but be damned if you’ll be able to reach it.”
I stopped the folksy platitudes with a hundred-dollar bill. He looked at it angrily for a moment, then stuffed it in his breast pocket. “Let’s go.”
“What about that bad-tasting cake?” I asked.
“For the love of deep hell, you can bet I won’t be staying long. You can hop out in front of the hotel,” he responded.
We cruised into town. The main street was all boarded up. “That cannibal, when he got done with his varied subtractions– well, what you ended up with was a landscape that could not be, in any conceivable manner, ample,” noted the driver. “It was as if mortal man began slowly removing items from a beautiful fruit basket arrangement until there was nothing…” I stopped him again. “Drive me over to that diner,” I said. “That diner may display the signs of prosperity but you will not find prosperity within. You will find a mere tomb of sandwiches…” He trailed off and I ignored it.
The door had a little bell on it. Nobody was inside and light violin music, piped in through vents in the ceiling, played cheerfully. I sat down and a pretty fair broad came out of the back. She was older but sturdy and with some curvy whoppers up front. I pretended to study the menu.
“We’re about ready to close. All we have left are some bread sticks that Dave made up this morning. That and a little bit of old coffee.”
“Who’s Dave?” I said. I pushed the menu sensuously across the counter and onto the floor.
“He’s my husband.”
“Yeah? How’s that working out for you?”
“Well…you know, we had a cannibal here.”
I nodded. “Bring me the bread sticks. What, are they in a bag or something? Put ’em in a bag.”
She did as told. I ate them straight out of the bag, slowly, almost ruthlessly. The heat picked up.
“You…you have a certain way of eating…” She trailed off.
“Yeah? What way is that?” I consciously let a giant blob of half-eaten bread stick fall out of my mouth onto the counter.
“I don’t know…you can…they have tents…” She was making no sense now. It was time– I suddenly crushed my lips into hers. There was still some bread stick there but we worked it out.
An hour later, we were lying in a room above the diner.
“So, I need to get some pictures of some of the big cow-eyed girls you got here,” I said.
“They’ve all gone. Everybody’s gone. Orion is a ghost town.” She lit a cigarette.
“I thought you had driven the cannibal out into the Depths.”
She laughed. “They’ll tell you that, sure.”
“It’s not true?”
“Of course not.”
I sat down in a chair and stared out the window. There was a lone shirtless guy down there, parading around in a plastic King’s crown. He was making a hell of a racket.
“That’s Substitute Jimmy,” she noted.
“Batshit, huh?’
She paused. “Maybe. But maybe we all are.”
“Any more of those bread sticks?” I was suddenly hungry again. “In a bag, I mean.”
She looked at me for a long time.
To be continued.
Feelings by Dr. Kevin Thurston
By Dr. Kevin Thurston
Special Correspondent
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Dr. Thurston is an expert on men’s feelings.
A crucial component of the Thurston Method is to attend a “Feelings Meeting”. These are held in my office on a monthly basis, generally on Saturday evenings. Men are encouraged to bring their own folding chairs and engage in “heart wisdom” and to also have a look at some of the new things I have for sale– kerosene lanterns (set of three), $19.99, pancake maker from TV, $14.99, bunch of other stuff.
After a short airing of grievances section, we begin the Feelings Meetings with a series of warm-up exercises that include “Slow Motion Dive”, “Needle Practice”, and “The Lunge”. You will be able to feel the stress leave your body at this point but because of the thick glass blocks designed to prevent the theft of electronics and collectibles in my office, the stress will unfortunately remain in the room and be with us for the rest of our session. I try to view this as a good thing because we may be able to occasionally visualize the collective stresses and merge them into one humongous stress, however you will need to see my Thurston Advanced Topics handout for more information on how to accomplish this high-level step in the Thurston Method.
Participants are then each asked individually: “how are you feeling right now?” As each man attempts to answer the question, I will quietly go around and offer certain items that may help to alleviate specific smaller stresses: expandable flexible compact garden hose, $21.99, novelty singing parakeet, $14.99, 12 pack of latex caulk, $17.99. This part of the session burns up most of our time together. However, right at the end, we will talk about “Power Journeys”. These are journeys of discovery, humiliation and hiding that take place once a year at some pyramids in Eastern Lankville. Our 2014 Power Journey will take place in January. I have a nice luggage set available right now that would be perfect for the Journey, $99.99, brown.
Snacks and beverages (limited) are generally available after the session.
Brox Squats in Weeds With Some Things
By Brock Belvedere, Jr.
Senior Staff Writer
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Condiments owner and Pondicherry Association News columnist Robin Brox recently squatted in weeds with some things sources are confirming.
“It was a very childlike moment,” Brox explained later. “I saw the things and I squatted and then the things came over and I hugged them. You know, it was alright.”
The incident occurred as the enigmatic owner and condiment magnate was removing trash from weedy areas at Buntz Mallows Discount Zoo to satisfy a recent court order.
Brox with the things.
“It’s been great having her here,” noted Zookeeper Fergie Pounder. “Gosh, there’s so much trash in the weedy areas. The other day we had a guy come in and just dump a couple of cans that he brought from home. Then he walked back out to his car. So yeah, she’s been a big help.”
Pounder suddenly turned the color of a bright tomato. He was taken to a hospital and the interview ended prematurely.
Musings of a Decorative Ham Man
By Chris Vitiello
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An employee with the unfortunate name of Pitts placed a folder before me. I scanned it quickly.
“Now, look here, Pitts. This information is incorrect.”
He raised his shoulders slightly and shot me a look of idiotic bafflement.
“That’s all I know. That’s all I know is what is in that folder.”
I desired to whip him right then but I kept calm.
“As I noted earlier in the day, I am in need of the carbon service forms. There are men going into the field today.”
He shrugged his shoulders again and said nothing.
I waited for this Pitts in the lunchroom. He secured a plastic tray (still moist from the washers) and began moving slowly down the line. He picked out a gelatin dish (small nuts floated at its quaking surface) and a softball-sized fish ball. He slid over to the register.
“No, no, Pitts. Allow me.” Much to his surprise, I paid for the meal.
He wandered over to a table filled with other pasty dullards. I sat beside him. It was worrying him, I could tell.
“Tell me Pitts,” I said. “What do you do for recreation?”
His nerves were beginning to take over. The fork which he had used to skillfully pierce the fish ball was now shaking slightly in his hand.
“I…I have a little bench in the basement…”
“Ah, a bench,” I noted loudly, imparting as much ersatz good will into my voice as possible. “A bench. And what sort of hobby do you engage in on this bench of yours, Pitts?”
“Well…nothing…lately.”
“No, no, Pitts. Surely, you must have a number of grand activities in progress or planned or perhaps even completed. Are there shelving units full of your work, Pitts?”
He was shaking full on now.
“Come now Pitts. I am a mere philistine when it comes to such matters. Inform me.”
“I…understand…what will happen,” he said.
I stood up.
“Very good, Pitts. Leave your tray there.”
He followed me outside to a weedy yard where he was whipped mercilessly.
Build This Semcon-1 Robot
By Wayne Lemons
Pondicherry Association News Electronics Expert
Robots are becoming very hot items these days. They already have made a name for themselves in movies, on TV shows and in basketball games. This past January, a week-long conference and an exposition on Robots was held in Lankville City and a second conference (with hopefully fewer murders) will be held during the summer.
This article vaguely details the construction of a robot called Semcon-1 (Semcon standing for “Semi-Controllable”). And although we may not be able to tell you how to build a device as elegant as famed Richard and the Postman TV robot “Cobbs”, we will explain step-by-step how to design a fully pushable robot with funny manipulator arms that will be able to grasp, tilt and carry. These features, in combination, will enable your Semcon-1 to perform an incredible array of useful functions.
Since we are building a robot from scratch, it might be a good idea to become familiar with some of the components which may affect its operation.
There are two electro-mechanical parts which are used to animate your robot– motors and condenser pots. Motors are used to impart continual motion and also will lift the funny arms. Condenser pots are used for the full-arc spasm element of your robot and will be accompanied by gears in mathematical terms. Quality and non-quality condenser pots will be available at any respectable electronics shop– there are a lot at the malls, for example.
Figure One
Now, let’s begin with the manipulator construction (see figure one). Before we proceed, read and pay a lot of heed to the following precautions about working with robots:
-Always wear goggles or some sort of protective eyewear. You can wear a mask with eyeholes cut out if nothing else is available.
-Never wear a tie while working. It can get caught in the robots funny arms and cause serious injury.
-Hold tools properly and towards the body or while filing metals.
Now we can move forward to the question of the two different diameter steel rods. The cross members should be cut from 0.375-in. (3/4-in.) to somewhere in the neighborhood of 20 threads-per-moment. The shoulder and elbow hinges and the two contractor-bar pivots should be cut from aluminum plate. Review.
That accomplished, you should be about ready to put the head on. Take note of the Eprom Bulb which is, again, available at most mall accessory stores. Important not to skimp here and I would strongly urge you to go with the Linear Lamp 10 over any of the cheaper options.
And finally, you can put the funny arms on. While this may sound complex at first reading, it can be done and will yield a perfectly workable and funny robot arm. You are encouraged to use some surplus sheets to keep costs down. For convenience sake, however, a list of components and their sources is shown in the heavy parts list, available as an ancillary article in the “Special Projects” notebook.
Should you have a question about any part of this series, the author may be reached in care of The Pondicherry Association News who will forward your request on to my current location in the Lankville Protectorate.
Getting to Know Fingers Rolly (Part Three)
By Bernie Keebler
Senior Staff Writer
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The low moan continues to dusk. When the desert disappears in darkness, the face of Fingers takes on another stunning transformation.
“There’s them cake hunks in the icebox,” he says aloud.
Indeed, I find a creased and rumpled bakery container filled with asymmetrical hunks of cake. I push them gently onto filthy plates. Fingers begins eating almost before the dessert is even before him.
“They had this guy come out and he bought up the earth beneath us,” he comments. Indeed, an enormous plot of desert land had recently been purchased by the heirs of Ferdinand Buntz, mallows king of Lankville. Rumors, none verified, were flying around the region. “What do you think he wants with that land?” I ask. “The land is an asshole. What would you do with an asshole?” He pushes his plate away and then onto the floor. It lands in a pile of garbage.
“Tell me about your wife?” I ask. It’s a dicey question; Fingers’ bride had died decades before.
“She was in the stenographers pool at the high school,” he responds in an even, quiet voice. “They gave her a little cubicle and I used to go in the cubicle and talk to her. Lovely girl. Very fat. But lovely. She looked like a gibbous moon.”
“And then you moved here, to the desert?”
Fingers slowly shakes his head. The sweat is pouring off him. I bear witness to the rising vitriol.
MOTHERFUCKKKKKKKKKKERRRRRRRR. He gets up and grabs the shotgun again. I stop him.
“Rest. Rest in the chair,” I command. He does as told though I notice that his face has changed again. I decide to press.
“Why? Why do you hate the desert?”
But he will not answer. He is gone now.
For want of something to look at, I find a small stack of old gas station road maps in a heap of floor garbage. Many are of the desert region. Opening them, I find a thick series of crude markings in various inks with arrows leading to the margins and annotated with a mysterious combination of letters and numbers. These markings are virtually impossible to explain so I pocket one of the maps so that it may be photographed later. It is reproduced here for the first time.
Gas station road map of Desert Region with Fingers’ strange markings.
Hours pass. My curiosity is insatiable. I quietly move to the living room and, with the faint illumination of a cellphone, look through the signs again. Moving to the coffee table, I begin sifting through the mass of papers and letters (many never opened). Yet, there seems to be no key that I can stick in a keyhole, turn, and, by the rotation of moving cylinders, pin tumblers and so forth, unlock the mystery.
Then, I am surprised by the distant sound of a motor vehicle. Lights flash across the windows. It seems to be coming surprisingly fast– the crunch of boots on the gravel outside causes me to freeze where I stand. Then I drop to the carpet and attempt to construct a hiding fort out of blankets and pillows. They are outside the door now.
“Flatten them,” someone says. Boots crunching again, then the sound of my tires being slashed by a knife.
“You jus’ let me know when you’re ready,” the same man says. It is in monotone; a brutal voice without mercy.
I throw off the blankets and pillows and make a beeline for the backdoor. I pause only for a moment as a deadly shotgun blast bursts through the wood frame. It seems to have come from nowhere; almost silent, faintly sibilant.
Then, I am running across pitch black scrubland, away from the house. A booming roar of an engine starts up and I am now being chased by a raging pickup burying everything in its path.
This may be my end.
The story of Fingers Rolly and Bernie Keebler’s possible murder will be continued in future issues.
Oral Histories of Some Former Lankville Pugilists
By Sonny Shorts (1924-1930, 33W 5L, 26KO)
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I am 108 years old so you will have to forgive me if my memory is not very good. I have been in this Charity House for a very long time. I grew up here. Not in the Charity House I mean, I grew up in a house down the street. My father and mother ran a barrels store. It’s all farmland around here.
The Charity House is haunted. Did you know that? There is a vast monstrosity that lurks here. I told the front desk about it and they moved me to another room. They put a man named Heinz in the old room and he was killed. When I continued to complain, they tore the walls out. There was nothing there but ancient newspaper, balled up to create insulation. But you could see something else as well. It was not immediately visible but it was there.
I owned a house for a long time. Had a lovely garage with the smoothest concrete floor imaginable. I lived all alone; a confirmed bachelor. For many years, there was an empty, untilled field behind the hedges in my yard. I was pleased by this. And then, one year, they planted corn. The husks blew into my backyard, creating a scenario of deep confusion and resulting in melancholia. I know it seems strange now to speak those words aloud but that was the feeling that came over me then. It remained that way for a number of years.
I sold the house and moved to a smaller house. It had a small side porch that looked out over the fields. I would put out a TV tray with a little radio and some lemonade and a plate of meat. If I tilted the radio in such a way and pulled the antenna all the way out, I could receive distant signals from over the mountain. Every once in awhile, I could pick up a Lingus Nets match out of Lankville.
The new house did not have a garage. It just had a pebbly little driveway that suddenly fell off into a deep chasm. I purchased a package of these large funny balls for youngsters and tied them to some string so that I could tell where I had to stop the car before it fell off into the precipice. But it rained once and the car slid forward anyway. That elicited a second, deeper period of angry befuddlement, crying and inner pandemonium.
It was then that I became a recluse. I placed heavy cardboard over all the windows and created a complex booby trap system about the house. I called an insurance salesman. “Come over right away,” I told him. “I want to buy TONS of insurance.” I heard him pull up in the pebbly driveway. He knocked on the front door and I waited in the darkness behind a couch. After some time, the knob turned slowly. He stepped into the room and called my name. He was beheaded instantly.
I went away to prison. It was a special ward for the elderly. The ward was also haunted. The same abomination was there as it had always been. I was assigned the job of…
An intern suddenly entered the room and informed Shorts that it was time for a snack. The interview ended without Shorts discussing boxing.
Lurv Sprayberry of Lankville Announced as Vibbs System Winner
Lurv Sprayberry of Lankville
Lurv Sprayberry of Lankville has been announced as the winner of the Pondicherry Association News’ annual “Vibbs System” contest.
Sprayberry, 37, who is fat and timid, was interviewed briefly outside his semi-basement apartment.
“Generally, I have an interesting habit of entering most contests. Some things come across my desk and I’ll fill them out. So, the Vibbs System contest was one of those.”
When asked how he planned to celebrate, Sprayberry became thoughtful.
“I think I’ll probably notify a few friends via a camera to computer signal that I’ve been working on and then maybe order a pizza.”
When asked if he might be ordering two pizzas, Sprayberry looked at the floor and quietly responded in the affirmative.
When asked if he would be consuming both the pizzas without any assistance, Sprayberry merely nodded in agreement.
A press conference is expected later today.
Royer Attends Nearby Outdoor Event
By Larry “God” Peters
Far-Flung Areas Correspondent
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Institutionalized Terrifying Bat GM Ric Royer attended a nearby outdoor event yesterday, sources are reporting.
“It was thrilling and I didn’t fall down or scream once,” the executive noted later at the Foontz-Flonnaise Home of Abundant Senselessness. “They had some side streets cordoned off and some tables and a man made some announcements. There seemed to be a mass localized understanding of some sort of significant event but I allowed that to elude me as one would allow an errant soft child’s beach squeeze toy to drift slowly past over the lustrous and brilliantined surf.”
Royer suddenly set a trident on fire and had to be restrained. The interview was ended prematurely.
“We’ll look into his possible attendance at other nearby outdoor events in the future,” noted Warden Jenness of the Home. “It may be beneficial in reintegrating him into society.”
The Vibbs System
ENTER NOW!
The Pondicherry Association News is pleased to present “The Vibbs System”.
Available for a limited time, the System is the product of years of countless thought about exterior barriers, responsibility and broken cones. And it’s from the East! So you can rely on it.
Enter our contest now by completing the survey below. Our grand prize winner will experience The Vibbs System and some garbage will be thrown into his neighbor’s backyard (men only).
THE VIBBS SYSTEM
Name__________________________
Address_______________________
Telephone_____________________
Fax_______ Hill Voice________
Area__________________________
Send to: The Vibbs System Contest, 56 Grand Marro Avenue, Eastern Junction Lankville (river), 2611.
Impromptu Inner Hammer Display Confuses Fanfest Patrons
By Tito Presentation
Distinctive Reporter
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An impromptu display on vintage radio repair delivered by Small Pizzas owner “Inner Hammer” confused patrons at a club fanfest, sources are now reporting.
“Yeah, he got up to speak and then he started talking about flat-molded paper capacitors and the importance of obtaining a clear schematic and it just got very confusing,” said Pizzas fan Kevin Fernandez-Tony. “People started murmuring and then he [Inner Hammer] would demand silence in a loud, commanding voice. No one was permitted to leave the area. It went on for hours and then finally it concluded with a long cleaning display. He just kept saying, “You use a soft toothbrush to get into the crannies” over and over again and he removed his shirt at one point which was just soaked with sweat.”
Fernandez-Tony later bounced out of a meadow and into a bottomless pit where he expired.
“Inner Hammer” left the event quickly after his speech but spoke briefly with the media.
“Communication between the islands will be an important source of information and if you’re communicating, you might as well be doing so on a serviced and clean radio. My belief, fellows. Take it and bang it around a little, pull it back up and let me know how it turns out.”
The executive then left in a specially-made sports car that was somehow doorless.
The fanfest ended shortly thereafter.
Royer’s Madcap Experiences: Orion Revisited
By Ric Royer
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I happened to be hanging around the lunch slots when the Jew wandered up.
“Been tying up some loose ends,” he started. I stopped him.
“Never good to tie up loose ends.” I stared straight at him and put some gum in my mouth. “Don’t wanna’ be standing there with your shorts around your ankles, no cake in hand.”
He seemed confused and that’s how I wanted it.
Turns out he wanted me to fly back to Orion, get some pics of those big cow-eyed girls. “See if you can take ’em in some barns,” he said. “What about the crazy cannibal?” I asked, my interest piqued. “They pick him up?” “No, as far as I know he’s still out there,” the Jew noted. “But they’ve driven him out into the Barrens. It’s said that he hasn’t attacked in over seven months.”
A tray appeared from one of the lunch slots. There was a heavily-compacted flounder surrounded by little lemons.
“What expenses are we looking at? Don’t put me up at some guy’s house. Give me a hotel room. Have them check the bed springs.”
The Jew thought about that. Then he sent me down to payroll.
Angie was down there. I sat on her desk and allowed my pants to clump up around the crotch.
“Where are you going?” she said. She had some magazine on her lap about yarn.
“Orion. Could be trouble. There’s a wild cannibal there.”
She liked trouble. It was going to be easy from now on.
At dawn, I left Angie in bed and threw a quilt over her– bunch of god damn colored granny squares. My Aunt had made it. I hustled out to the airport, slammed down three sodas at the airport bar and boarded the plane. An entire breakfast cart had been turned over in the aisle– nobody was fooling with it. I nicked a couple of links that had fallen untouched on a wide napkin. The stewardess looked at me funny but I didn’t care– I was going to Orion.
And that’s how it goes in Orion.
To be continued
Doing Puzzles Will Keep Your Brain from Dying
Medical Advice from Dr. Yothers
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There is no sure way to prevent your brain from suddenly dying but there is one step you can take that may possibly be beneficial.
Puzzles.
Dr. Yothers has been a doctor for awhile. His advice will continue in future columns.
My Name is Mike Squatch
By Mike Squatch
Architectural Correspondent
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My name is Mike Squatch. I am an architect. I designed Vitiello Decorative Hams Arena.
My latest vague project has taken me to the beautiful Teets Island Chain. I am to construct some sort of hockey rink for Small Pizzas GM “Inner Hammer”. I took my wife Sally to meet Mr. Hammer at his office which was actually just a little hut on the beach. Mr. Hammer was quite taken with her and he made some evidently inappropriate comments which I wasn’t listening to. I had been distracted by some interesting men outside lifting free weights.
“He’s a pig,” said Sally, once we were back in the car. I put on the radio which played a delightful relaxing string number. We passed a meat store. “Stop there, would you Mike?” she said in her sweet way. “Buy the largest uncured pepperoni stick they have, please.” “Oh boy, pizza tonight?” I asked. “No,” Sally said. She became distracted.
We love hockey.
Later, I passed Mr. Hammer in the hotel elevator. “I’m going to meet with the engineers,” I announced. “Yep, you do that. Stay out for awhile, would you?” he responded. He shoved a hundred in my breast pocket. “Get yourself some fancy towels or some complicated posters or whatever the fuck it is you like.”
I didn’t care for his language but he seems like a nice man.
The engineers were waiting for me. “This is just to satisfy a court order,” one of them said. “It’s for brown children.” I sketched out a design. The foreman looked it over. “Take out the boards. That’ll save some money. We’ll throw up some sheetrock. This is a big can of fuck, as far as I’m concerned,” he added mysteriously.
I didn’t care for his language but he seems like a nice man.
I thought about Mr. Hammer’s request to stay out awhile so I got an ice cream and went up to the boardwalk. I played a little shuffleboard but couldn’t make any balls jangle through. I was just about finished when a guy came in and dropped two quarters in the slot. The balls rocked and then came rumbling down the lane and into my outstretched hand. He watched me a little while and then he said, “you tooling or are you galloping?” “Oh, I’m just here with my wife and six children.” He vomited slightly and walked away. Probably too much bad food. It’s important to stay fit.
We love hockey and we are married.
Lingus Nets Weekly by Captain Brian Stilts
By Captain Brian Stilts
Lingus Nets Correspondent
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This week’s exciting Lingus Nets action takes us to the Chambers Company Hand Drill Arena in Eastern Lankville where a capacity crowd of 17,841 witnessed champion Gus Castles defeat Dykstra Hazzard 182-165 in a closely contested match.
“[Dykstra] had actually gotten ahead of me a little bit– he had deposited a great number of his Lingus sacks but I noticed that he was short on putting away some of his nets,” commented Castles who was awarded prize money, food and some hand drills for his victory. “I took that opportunity to fill in some of the decoy holes I had established and rolled two of the smaller size Lingus Balls into the Lingus Hut. By then it was over.”
“He’s a tough opponent,” noted Hazzard, who fell to 18-5 after the loss. “He’s [sic] has colossal energy out there [on the Lingus Nets court] and it’s hard to match that diabolical, almost satanic level of defense. Yet, his probity is beyond reproach. It’s a conundrum.”
Hazzard later committed suicide.
Then, we entered the dark times. For an hour after the match, there was a state of lawlessness. No illumination was to be found in the street and cars were overturned and businesses burned. Madmen stalked the streets with shotguns attempting to install their own ruthless, bastard forms of order. “It was a great soiling,” noted Lingus Nets scholar and observer Dr. Gleaves Shutts. “Civilization simply broke down.”
The dark times ended about 10PM.
The next exciting Lingus Nets contest will take us to the Lankville Desert Region where Castles (25-3) will defend his regional title against young upstart Denteen Crespo (16-1).
EDITOR’S NOTE: Brian Stilts is not a real captain.
ACCOMMODATIONS
When staying in the Area Beyond the Outlands, pick the Murray. Friendly, creative staff, delightful beds, curtains. Phone Far Outlands 5-6712.
LANKVILLE DAILY NEWS: IN BOOK FORM!
The book is gone. It will never return. We hear stories but they are likely false. We live in the woods now. We make fire with a lighter that we found in the street. It was crushed by a truck but, somehow, perhaps through some intervention that is beyond us, it still works. We are waiting. We are waiting.
Original Pondicherry Association News promotional advertisement (2009)
TONIGHT ON TV! RICHARD AND THE POSTMAN REUNION SPECIAL!
The Hit program from the 1970's returns to Lankville TV tonight on LBC!
ADULT ADVERTISEMENT
Women all over Lankville are just sitting at mammoth computers waiting to hear from men like you! Just insert a floppy disk, write a (non-sexual) message and let the sparks fly! (Computer not included).
ADVERTISEMENT
A Vitiello Decorative Ham makes a great gift. Show that you care today.
BANDED DUFFELS ON PALLETS
Assorted colors. Whatever you want to do, man. Call Lankville Falls, 3247.
BRIAN SCHROPP IN THE LANKVILLE DAILY NEWS
The most important cuisine articles ever written.
CANDY
Jipps Co. Full Service Candy Counter! Our alert girls will push gummy drops into special paper sheaths, engage in restrained pleasantries and explain chocholate-to-nougat ratios. Call Central Lankville 3614.
CAT PHOTO
In compliance with Lankville subsection 11:16-4.
CHAMBERS CO. HAND DRILLS: When Electricity is Not an Option
When electricity is not an option consider the Chambers Company hand crank drills. Perfect for use in tight spaces, on distant islands or for drilling holes in fences to see TITS. Call 4-2309.
EMPLOYMENT
Big Ed's BBQ Shack is looking for a part-time waitress. Someone who doesn't nose around and ask a lot of difficult questions. Call Lankville Rougher Area, 5-2100.
EMPLOYMENT
Nuts, Ah! is looking for an experienced nut-handler. Experience with bagging nuts also important. If you break the nut sack, the nuts will drop onto the floor. Come in person for application to Twin Removed Pines Mall. NO CALLS.
FOX FOR PARTIES
Hire the Poetry Fox for Your Child's Next Party. Reasonable rates. Writes poems, dances, will not stand for any shenanigans. Call South Lankville 2009.
The funny stories of Dick Oakes, Jr. have thrilled millions. Look for them today in The Lankville Daily News!
GELSINGER’S ALLURE CLUB
Topless, bottomless wonderland. Mysterious back rooms. Carpeted entirely in astroturf. NO CALLS.
GREBOV BROTHERS TELESCOPE COMPANY
The Grebov Brothers are Lankville's finest purveyor of telescopes for astronomy enthusiasts. Substantial 4.5" apertures and fast f/4 focal ratios provide bright, detailed views of solar system targets like the Moon and planets, as well as wide-field celestial objects like nebulas and star clusters but also TITS.
GUMP PENETRATES
Only in The Lankville Daily News
HADBAWNIK HAUNTED STAIRCASE COMPANY
The Hadbawnik Company is Lankville's #1 installer of haunted, brush-littered staircases. Friendly non-foreign staff! Call Western (Outer) Lankville, 2154 or 2198 today.
HADBAWNIK HAUNTED BRUSH PILES!
The Hadbawnik Haunted Staircase Company is now offering haunted brush piles for use on your staircase. Create eerie, supernal ambiance. Allow the brush to blow haphazardly in the wind, creates fear, foreboding. Call our friendly staff of white people at Western Lankville, 2154. Brush piles may contain other forms of yard debris.
HEY! WANT A MONKEY?
Hey! Want a live little monkey? They do cute things like climb into pumpkins. Call "The Captain"- Central Lankville Hills, 5264.
HOME DUMP Your Neighborhood Hardware Store 16 Lankville Locations!
Weekly Special: Primitive Forged Hooks. Buy 4, Get a Can of Paint. Or Maybe Not. You'll Just Have to Find Out.
INFLAMED BY STARS AND BLOOD
Lankville's Premier Science Fiction and Horror Magazine Now Appearing in The Lankville Daily News!
JOHNNY PADRES, OPTICIAN
Lankville has been relying on Dr. Johnny Padres for their optical needs since 1973. We offer a full service family eye care center and provide examinations for glasses and contacts and have a large display of designer, traditional and innovative eyewear for both regular prescription eyeglasses and sunglasses all of which will enable you to see TITS better. Call Lankville Business 2618-2.
LIFE LESSONS FUNERAL HOME
Life Lessons Funeral Home has been helping Lankville with dead people since 1932. Contact Eddie or Stummins, Lankville Business, 5-2161.
LOOK AT THESE BEAUTIES!
Really some of our best ever! Have you ever seen anything like it? Call Kelly (male) at Lankville Sound 2615.
MISSING
Missing: adult penguin. Christ, I just let him out in the yard for one minute and now he's gone. Responds to the name "Richard". Call Lankville Eastern Outlands, 5-6213.
NOW PLAYING!
The Unhinged: A New Film by Tom "Vapor" Rayford. Crisp Street Cinema, Eastern Lankville
PINEAPPLE CITY: A New Way of Being
Pineapple City is a new way of being, feeling and having your shirt off. Located in the distant, barren Lankville Pines, Pineapple City is now accepting applications for sheds. Call PINES, 2-5771.
THE PUZZLER
In the pie chart above, what segment represents a certain specific strata of the general population?
REAL ESTATE
Little shed for sale. With door, mailbox, dirt plot. Site of multiple murders but don't worry, they happened around back. To inquire, come to the shed. Go around back.
REAL ESTATE
Four acre lot in Eastern Lankville Cove Area. Price reduced! Site of a fireworks display in which several people fell out of their lawnchairs and died. Locals believe it haunted but that's crap. Call Cove 2751.
THE RECKONER EXACTRA 2.0 : A Danny Madison Product
It's Your Time: CALCULATE
SARAH SAMWAYS: CONTRIBUTING FEMALE
Exclusively in the Lankville Daily News (and some other papers).
SPEAKING ENGAGEMENT
Robin Brox will sit around and get progressively more intoxicated while listening to this other broad natter on about something. LANKVILLE REGIONAL AUDITORIUM, August 4, 11PM.
SPEAKING ENGAGEMENT CANCELED
The Dr. M. Chambers speech and candy-making event has been canceled again following Dr. Chambers' sudden collapse into some baskets. New date TBA
TRAVEL TIPS by Randy Hammers
The Kum Back Inn in the Lankville Desert Area has long been serving road-weary travelers. They feature a restaurant (with cocktails) and two spacious conference rooms. The Kum Back boasts 65 units-- each including window dressing, some chairs and a larger chair (seats two smallish children), a bed with orange comforter, a plastic trash can, clever paintings, and a windowless door. TV also available in 17 (sometimes 19) rooms. Most of the rooms are air-conditioned. Oscillating fans available upon request. Illuminated carports will protect your vehicle from the vicious sudden dust storms that often overtake the Desert Area and the wild thieves that occasionally parade across the landscape like some unmentionable horror. Call now at TU-0780 and ask for Bud or Karen (married).
UTILITY YARD SHEDS
The Lowinger Brothers offer great utility yard sheds at low prices. This one is haunted. Call Lankville Port Area 1072.
VACATION PACKAGES!
Spectacular vacations in campers by little mountains. Your cares will melt away but you will have to be careful of that shack (pictured). A lunatic lives there. Call Mercantile District 2711.
WRESTLING TONIGHT!
8PM, Southern Lankville Man-Arena. Featuring Ric "Wild Boy" Tipps (green trunks).
ZACH KEEBAUGH INVESTIGATIONS
Only in The Lankville Daily News
The Lankville Daily News 
LETTER SACK