Archive
OPINION: Our Diet Candy Ain’t No Fuck Around Shit
By Joe Tipps
Here at Tipps Supermarkets, we just started carrying diet candy.
And let me tell you something, our diet candy ain’t no fuck around shit.
You might have tried that diet candy bullshit they got over at Barlow Foods. Comes in those big barrels? You ever see someone scooping candy out of a barrel? Makes you look like a grade A asshole, I’ll go right out on a limb and assert that fucking shit right now.
That Barlow Foods Candy– you know what it says to me? It says, “hey, we’re just assing around here. We don’t give no god damn shit about your dietetic needs.” But that ain’t what you’re gonna’ get here at Tipps. You’re gonna’ get diet candy that pile drives you right in the taste buds. A god damn feast of diet candy.
So, if you’re just some kinda’ shithead, sure– keep going to get your diet candy at Barlow’s. Otherwise, take a step up to the plate and come on over to Tipps, motherfucker.
The opinions of Joe Tipps are not necessarily the opinions of The Lankville Daily News or any of its subsidiaries.
Gone are the Thanksgiving Hams Says Local Worker: Weepy Stories of the Holiday
By Brock Belvedere
WEEPY STORIES OF THE HOLIDAY
Sherman Fenanigans is a thin, wiry man who looks every one of his 58 years. He sports unfashionable aviator glasses, repaired many times with tape and a faded grey uniform that has been brushed so often that the bare fibers are now visible. His paper hat is dented and creased.
Sherman has been in charge of cakes at the Barlow Foods Lankville Heights location for 32 years. “I don’t bake the cakes,” he is quick to clarify. “My authority kicks in once the cakes have been removed from the oven but before they have been placed in the cardboard containers.”
He has a family of eight to support. The holidays are a particularly difficult time. And they have been made more difficult since Barlow Foods, a multi-billion dollar corporation, did away with holiday bonuses.
“It’s been about five years since they did that,” said Fenanigans, who was interviewed while watching carefully over the display case of cakes as the brisk mid-morning crowd passed by. “We used to count on that.”
“Tell us about that?” we probed.
Fenanigans at work. He has just dropped a cake into some vegetables.
“Well, for the first 10 years, they gave us a Christmas turkey. Every year. Then, they said they couldn’t do it anymore, so they gave us Thanksgiving hams. That went on for about five years. Then, they said they couldn’t get the hams anymore but that they’d give us $10 and we could buy our own hams. That went on for another two, maybe three years. Then, they stopped giving us the $10.”
Fenanigans paused to let the weight of the sad tale sink in. It didn’t. I was genuinely flummoxed by his statement.
“What happened to the hams?” I asked.
“As I said, they stopped buying them for us.”
I still was vastly confused.
“Well, I mean, what happened to the hams they were supposed to buy for you?” I probed.
He looked at me. “What do you mean, what happened to ’em? They didn’t buy ’em.”
That’s when the picture started to become clear.
“Oh, I see. So, someone else bought them.”
“Well, yeah, I guess,” he said. “I have no idea.”
I wanted to understand further. “So, it freed up hams that just went back into the general pool of available public hams?”
I wanted to understand further. “So, it freed up hams that just went back into the general pool of available public hams?”
“Yeah, basically. And, so now we still have ham for Thanksgiving but it takes away money we could have spent on additional side dishes.”
He broke down then. He had to take a moment to collect himself. He handed his paper hat to me and asked me to mind the cake case. I did the best I could but I became so overwhelmed that I basically gave away all the cakes and made all kinds of additional wild promises. A manager had to be called.
Barlow Foods CEO John Barlow consented to a brief meeting. I explained Fenanigans’ predicament.
“The policies of giving away holiday meats were no longer viable,” he noted, calling attention to several spreadsheets with interior flip-up tables on a computer screen. “The resources were no longer there. It’s a different time now then when Mr. Renanigans [sic] was originally hired.”
But for many Barlow Foods employees, that means a skimpier holiday table.
“We’ve had to cut back on things like cranberry sauce, corn, chocolate loafs,” noted Fenanigans. “You just have to learn to let certain traditions die. But it’s difficult.”
Food Allergies a Barlow Foods Focus as it Offers Halloween Candy Chart
By Larry “God” Peters
LANKVILLE ACTION NEWS: YES!
Voraciously gobbling up the wrong Halloween treat could be deadly for a child with severe food allergies. To make things clearer for allergen-conscious shoppers, Barlow Foods is changing how it merchandises its Halloween candy.
A sign in the seasonal candy aisle points shoppers to a large pie chart that the supermarket chain has put together with its candy vendors. It lists more than 16,000 types of Halloween candy and shows whether they contain ingredients associated with some of the most common food allergies – wheat, peanuts, chuck, eggs, dust, milk and soy – along with gluten. It also lists eight Barlow Foods brand “Fruit Morsels” that contain none of these allergens.
The chart is available online at http://www.barlowfoods.barlowcom or can be printed at the service desk in Barlow Foods stores with two pieces of identification and a deposit.
“Children will later become customers,” explained CEO John Barlow. “We will need them to be living.”
Barlow himself worked with his candy suppliers to verify allergens and check ingredient lists. The CEO then made the pie chart personally.
“I don’t trust pie charts to anyone else,” he noted. “We’ve already seen what can happen there.”
The move came after customers asked for assistance in choosing allergen-safe treats last Halloween.
Barlow stressed, however, that the motivation behind the chart was his own.
“I am in charge here,” he said. “I made the pie chart.”
Customers were already pleased with Barlow’s efforts.
“It made it a lot easier to avoid nougat,” said Eastern Flats resident Lee Tinsley. “I’m allergic to nougat.”
Tinsley was not observed to have any children with her.
The charts are now available at most Lankville-area Barlow Foods locations.
Cleanliness Questioned at Area Barlow Foods Store
Buck Igloos
A BUCK IGLOOS HEALTH WATCH
Cleanliness has been questioned at an area Barlow Foods store after several untoward photographs were posted online.
A view of the freezer in question.
The photographs, which appear to depict the remnants of some sort of pink frozen explosion in one of the freezers, has gone viral.
“It’s absolutely disgusting. I’m never shopping there again,” said former customer Gene (female) Cabinets. “I couldn’t believe it when I saw those images. The explosion is not even in the frozen desert freezer. It’s in the fry freezer. There’s no such thing as pink fries. So, how did it get there? It makes no sense.”
Many other customers have voiced the same concerns.
Barlow Foods head office was moving quickly this morning to explain the shameless act. CEO John Barlow himself addressed the media.
“The individuals responsible for this ghastly negligence have been terminated. The freezer has been emptied and cleaned. We will be moving forward and we hope that you will move forward with us.”
A detailed view of the frozen pink explosion.
“Move forward with Barlow Foods,” Barlow added. “A rolling army cannot be stopped by a mere pebble.”
Barlow suddenly left the lectern and his last sentence was never explained.
The store in question, the Southern White Pines location, was closed as of press time. A sign on the door read, “REPHASING PROCESS. CALL AGAIN”. Calls were not answered.
Barlow Foods Ranks Best in Entire World for Reputation, Poll Says
By Kimball J. Cranney
LANKVILLE ACTION NEWS: YES!
Barlow Foods has a better reputation than any company in the entire world, according to a new poll.
The grocery chain tops a list of the 50 most visible companies in the Meulens-LaPoint 19th Annual Reputation Quotient Study. It beat out such giants as Danny Madison Technologies, Grebov Brothers Telescopes and Vitiello Decorative Hams to secure the top spot.
“These figures merely support what we’ve always believed,” said owner and CEO John Barlow. “That we are better than everyone else in the world. Why go through the charade of false modesty? Why even go through the charade of a Quotient Study? Why present me with this Quotient Study trophy?”
Barlow tossed the Quotient Study and the trophy out a nearby open window.
“We are the best in the world because we don’t stop to leer at trophies,” Barlow noted.
We are the best in the world because we don’t stop to leer at trophies.”
The study evaluated data from over 38,000,000 respondents. Perceptions of company products and services, financial performances, workplace safety, social responsibility and emotional appeal were all considered.
Barlow Foods earned a score of 87.6.
Barlow Foods CEO John Barlow.
“A score above 80 is considered excellent,” noted Quotient Study founder and business analyst Cheryl Meulens (rated about a 4 of 10 by this author– 5 of 10 with a better haircut). “It’s an extraordinary accomplishment for Barlow Foods, particularly when you look at the companies that have been legendary for their customer service– like, say, Vitiello Hams. It shows how Barlow Foods has an international reputation as well. I think they have a store in one of the islands somewhere.”
“I like Barlow Foods,” noted local resident Kovin Burry. “I like their frozen pizzas and their yogurt is generally better than the name brands. I like their shampoo. It’s also better than the name brands. The cheeses are good. A small bunch of kale is 2.69, which comes out to almost seven dollars a pound. Sometimes the aisles are congested but I’d still say it’s excellent.”
Burry was later shoved into a windowless van and driven off.
“This changes nothing,” Barlow stated later. “We will continue our mission to the end. No matter what happens, no matter what the future holds.”
“We will remain open…forever,” Barlow added after a long pause.
A press conference is expected later today.
Barlow Foods Reorganizing Several Stores
By Mrs. Larry Temple
LANKVILLE ACTION NEWS: YES!
Ever hear of rebooting a grocery store?
Barlow Foods is in the middle of a “reset” at several of its stores, including locations in the Lankville Capital, the Deep Eastern Suburbs, and the Outlands.
“Each store is making carefully moderated changes to the general merchandise departments,” said founder and CEO John Barlow. “Some are perhaps noticeable to the observant customer. Others are small changes that customers won’t even notice.”
Barlow Foods CEO John Barlow.
“The bulk foods section at each store is relocating to where the Bounteous Garden Wonderland organic section was,” noted Barlow, who was interviewed in his downtown office suite. “The Bounteous Garden Wonderland organic section, which is expanding, will move to where the Holiday Card Shop was. The Holiday Card Shop will now be found behind the lockers and the Limited Soft Shoe department, where kitchen tools are currently sold.”
Barlow produced a complicated flip chart and scanned quickly through several pages.
“We already have a large inventory of organic and gluten-free products and, very soon, customers will have even more to choose from in the Bounteous Garden Wonderland which will be expanding a few aisles into the Cake, Pastry, and Filled Doughnut Department but not effecting the revolving Juice Jenny or the Cheese Wagons,” Barlow said.
The changes are being made to accommodate the product offerings added to the Bounteous Garden Wonderland section as well as an increase in the offering of Elephantine Family Bundle items – products sold in large quantities at a quantity discount.
When asked if the changes were a response to customer requests, Barlow demurred.
“Acknowledging customer requests means acknowledging a state of lawlessness. These changes are so because I have said they will be so.”
Barlow Foods has already completed the process at other stores in the Western Lankville market. The current resets should be finished by April 15th.
“No More Fucking Around,” Vows Woman
By Lloyd Byas-Kirk
LANKVILLE ACTION NEWS: YES!
Genevieve Rumpus (no relation to the Ida Rumpus who reports for this paper) was doing her weekly shopping last Saturday morning at the north Lankville location of Barlow Foods, trying to decide between farfalla and bowtie pasta, when a cool, authoritative voice told her, “Quit fucking around.”
She paused, startled, and glanced over her shoulder. Then she realized the voice was coming from inside her head. With that realization came another: She had been fucking around in the grocery store for the past 45 minutes.
Genevieve Rumpus not fucking around.
“It was shocking and liberating all at the same time,” she said from her home in Lankville Heights.
Suddenly, Mrs. Rumpus began moving through the aisles with a speed and gusto she had never known before. Deciding between garbanzo and kidney beans had often been agonizing – but not on this day. She quickly tossed a can of premium garbanzo beans (or “chickpeas”) into her cart and moved on. In the cereal aisle, not glancing at other choices, she instantly selected a box of family-size Barlowberries-n-Oats.
Her biggest challenge awaited in Barlow Foods’ copious section of beer and mixers, featuring a walk-in refrigerator with bottles divided by type, size, and brightly colored 3-D labels.
“I never know what I’m in the mood for,” she complained, let alone what her husband of thirty years, Richard Rumpus, will wish to imbibe as he takes in a Sunday afternoon contest involving the Lankville Lions.
“Quit fucking around,” the voice repeated as she lingered in the walk-in cooler, wavering between a six-pack of Wynken de Wheat Light and Ashmole Amber Lager.
Barlow Foods aisle where fucking around often takes place.
With a burst of relief, Mrs. Rumpus obeyed the voice in her head and snatched down a box of Harley’s Half Ale from the top shelf.
“I’d always wanted to try it,” she reported. “But I’d been fucking around with other beverages for years and years.”
The newfound attitude of not fucking around even extended to Mrs. Rumpus’s selection of a check-out aisle. Normally, she said, she would dither near the check-out, trying to decide between cashier Sylvie Idlestein, an old friend from occupational school, and Jimmy Feathers, known far and wide for his skill at toting up and bagging groceries.
Mrs. Rumpus spared a curt nod to her friend Ms. Idlestein and moved her loaded cart into Feathers’ check-out lane. She admitted that upon doing so, a kind of warmth spread up her spine and tingled back down through her arms and into the tips of her fingers.
“I suppose that’s what it feels like to finally stop fucking around,” she laughed, while vowing to apply the attitude to other aspects of her life, such as her adult bowling league and fingerling potato workshop.
Gone are the Thanksgiving Hams Says Local Worker: Weepy Stories of the Holiday
By Brock Belvedere
WEEPY STORIES OF THE HOLIDAY
Sherman Fenanigans is a thin, wiry man who looks every one of his 58 years. He sports unfashionable aviator glasses, repaired many times with tape and a faded grey uniform that has been brushed so often that the bare fibers are now visible. His paper hat is dented and creased.
Sherman has been in charge of cakes at the Barlow Foods Lankville Heights location for 32 years. “I don’t bake the cakes,” he is quick to clarify. “My authority kicks in once the cakes have been removed from the oven but before they have been placed in the cardboard containers.”
He has a family of eight to support. The holidays are a particularly difficult time. And they have been made more difficult since Barlow Foods, a multi-billion dollar corporation, did away with holiday bonuses.
“It’s been about five years since they did that,” said Fenanigans, who was interviewed while watching carefully over the display case of cakes as the brisk mid-morning crowd passed by. “We used to count on that.”
“Tell us about that?” we probed.
Fenanigans at work. He has just dropped a cake into some vegetables.
“Well, for the first 10 years, they gave us a Christmas turkey. Every year. Then, they said they couldn’t do it anymore, so they gave us Thanksgiving hams. That went on for about five years. Then, they said they couldn’t get the hams anymore but that they’d give us $10 and we could buy our own hams. That went on for another two, maybe three years. Then, they stopped giving us the $10.”
Fenanigans paused to let the weight of the sad tale sink in. It didn’t. I was genuinely flummoxed by his statement.
“What happened to the hams?” I asked.
“As I said, they stopped buying them for us.”
I still was vastly confused.
“Well, I mean, what happened to the hams they were supposed to buy for you?” I probed.
He looked at me. “What do you mean, what happened to ’em? They didn’t buy ’em.”
That’s when the picture started to become clear.
“Oh, I see. So, someone else bought them.”
“Well, yeah, I guess,” he said. “I have no idea.”
I wanted to understand further. “So, it freed up hams that just went back into the general pool of available public hams?”
I wanted to understand further. “So, it freed up hams that just went back into the general pool of available public hams?”
“Yeah, basically. And, so now we still have ham for Thanksgiving but it takes away money we could have spent on additional side dishes.”
He broke down then. He had to take a moment to collect himself. He handed his paper hat to me and asked me to mind the cake case. I did the best I could but I became so overwhelmed that I basically gave away all the cakes and made all kinds of additional wild promises. A manager had to be called.
Barlow Foods CEO John Barlow consented to a brief meeting. I explained Fenanigans’ predicament.
“The policies of giving away holiday meats were no longer viable,” he noted, calling attention to several spreadsheets with interior flip-up tables on a computer screen. “The resources were no longer there. It’s a different time now then when Mr. Renanigans [sic] was originally hired.”
But for many Barlow Foods employees, that means a skimpier holiday table.
“We’ve had to cut back on things like cranberry sauce, corn, chocolate loafs,” noted Fenanigans. “You just have to learn to let certain traditions die. But it’s difficult.”
ACCOMMODATIONS
When staying in the Area Beyond the Outlands, pick the Murray. Friendly, creative staff, delightful beds, curtains. Phone Far Outlands 5-6712.
LANKVILLE DAILY NEWS: IN BOOK FORM!
The book is gone. It will never return. We hear stories but they are likely false. We live in the woods now. We make fire with a lighter that we found in the street. It was crushed by a truck but, somehow, perhaps through some intervention that is beyond us, it still works. We are waiting. We are waiting.
Original Pondicherry Association News promotional advertisement (2009)
TONIGHT ON TV! RICHARD AND THE POSTMAN REUNION SPECIAL!
The Hit program from the 1970's returns to Lankville TV tonight on LBC!
ADULT ADVERTISEMENT
Women all over Lankville are just sitting at mammoth computers waiting to hear from men like you! Just insert a floppy disk, write a (non-sexual) message and let the sparks fly! (Computer not included).
ADVERTISEMENT
A Vitiello Decorative Ham makes a great gift. Show that you care today.
BANDED DUFFELS ON PALLETS
Assorted colors. Whatever you want to do, man. Call Lankville Falls, 3247.
BRIAN SCHROPP IN THE LANKVILLE DAILY NEWS
The most important cuisine articles ever written.
CANDY
Jipps Co. Full Service Candy Counter! Our alert girls will push gummy drops into special paper sheaths, engage in restrained pleasantries and explain chocholate-to-nougat ratios. Call Central Lankville 3614.
CAT PHOTO
In compliance with Lankville subsection 11:16-4.
CHAMBERS CO. HAND DRILLS: When Electricity is Not an Option
When electricity is not an option consider the Chambers Company hand crank drills. Perfect for use in tight spaces, on distant islands or for drilling holes in fences to see TITS. Call 4-2309.
EMPLOYMENT
Big Ed's BBQ Shack is looking for a part-time waitress. Someone who doesn't nose around and ask a lot of difficult questions. Call Lankville Rougher Area, 5-2100.
EMPLOYMENT
Nuts, Ah! is looking for an experienced nut-handler. Experience with bagging nuts also important. If you break the nut sack, the nuts will drop onto the floor. Come in person for application to Twin Removed Pines Mall. NO CALLS.
FOX FOR PARTIES
Hire the Poetry Fox for Your Child's Next Party. Reasonable rates. Writes poems, dances, will not stand for any shenanigans. Call South Lankville 2009.
The funny stories of Dick Oakes, Jr. have thrilled millions. Look for them today in The Lankville Daily News!
GELSINGER’S ALLURE CLUB
Topless, bottomless wonderland. Mysterious back rooms. Carpeted entirely in astroturf. NO CALLS.
GREBOV BROTHERS TELESCOPE COMPANY
The Grebov Brothers are Lankville's finest purveyor of telescopes for astronomy enthusiasts. Substantial 4.5" apertures and fast f/4 focal ratios provide bright, detailed views of solar system targets like the Moon and planets, as well as wide-field celestial objects like nebulas and star clusters but also TITS.
GUMP PENETRATES
Only in The Lankville Daily News
HADBAWNIK HAUNTED STAIRCASE COMPANY
The Hadbawnik Company is Lankville's #1 installer of haunted, brush-littered staircases. Friendly non-foreign staff! Call Western (Outer) Lankville, 2154 or 2198 today.
HADBAWNIK HAUNTED BRUSH PILES!
The Hadbawnik Haunted Staircase Company is now offering haunted brush piles for use on your staircase. Create eerie, supernal ambiance. Allow the brush to blow haphazardly in the wind, creates fear, foreboding. Call our friendly staff of white people at Western Lankville, 2154. Brush piles may contain other forms of yard debris.
HEY! WANT A MONKEY?
Hey! Want a live little monkey? They do cute things like climb into pumpkins. Call "The Captain"- Central Lankville Hills, 5264.
HOME DUMP Your Neighborhood Hardware Store 16 Lankville Locations!
Weekly Special: Primitive Forged Hooks. Buy 4, Get a Can of Paint. Or Maybe Not. You'll Just Have to Find Out.
INFLAMED BY STARS AND BLOOD
Lankville's Premier Science Fiction and Horror Magazine Now Appearing in The Lankville Daily News!
JOHNNY PADRES, OPTICIAN
Lankville has been relying on Dr. Johnny Padres for their optical needs since 1973. We offer a full service family eye care center and provide examinations for glasses and contacts and have a large display of designer, traditional and innovative eyewear for both regular prescription eyeglasses and sunglasses all of which will enable you to see TITS better. Call Lankville Business 2618-2.
LIFE LESSONS FUNERAL HOME
Life Lessons Funeral Home has been helping Lankville with dead people since 1932. Contact Eddie or Stummins, Lankville Business, 5-2161.
LOOK AT THESE BEAUTIES!
Really some of our best ever! Have you ever seen anything like it? Call Kelly (male) at Lankville Sound 2615.
MISSING
Missing: adult penguin. Christ, I just let him out in the yard for one minute and now he's gone. Responds to the name "Richard". Call Lankville Eastern Outlands, 5-6213.
NOW PLAYING!
The Unhinged: A New Film by Tom "Vapor" Rayford. Crisp Street Cinema, Eastern Lankville
PINEAPPLE CITY: A New Way of Being
Pineapple City is a new way of being, feeling and having your shirt off. Located in the distant, barren Lankville Pines, Pineapple City is now accepting applications for sheds. Call PINES, 2-5771.
THE PUZZLER
In the pie chart above, what segment represents a certain specific strata of the general population?
REAL ESTATE
Little shed for sale. With door, mailbox, dirt plot. Site of multiple murders but don't worry, they happened around back. To inquire, come to the shed. Go around back.
REAL ESTATE
Four acre lot in Eastern Lankville Cove Area. Price reduced! Site of a fireworks display in which several people fell out of their lawnchairs and died. Locals believe it haunted but that's crap. Call Cove 2751.
THE RECKONER EXACTRA 2.0 : A Danny Madison Product
It's Your Time: CALCULATE
SARAH SAMWAYS: CONTRIBUTING FEMALE
Exclusively in the Lankville Daily News (and some other papers).
SPEAKING ENGAGEMENT
Robin Brox will sit around and get progressively more intoxicated while listening to this other broad natter on about something. LANKVILLE REGIONAL AUDITORIUM, August 4, 11PM.
SPEAKING ENGAGEMENT CANCELED
The Dr. M. Chambers speech and candy-making event has been canceled again following Dr. Chambers' sudden collapse into some baskets. New date TBA
TRAVEL TIPS by Randy Hammers
The Kum Back Inn in the Lankville Desert Area has long been serving road-weary travelers. They feature a restaurant (with cocktails) and two spacious conference rooms. The Kum Back boasts 65 units-- each including window dressing, some chairs and a larger chair (seats two smallish children), a bed with orange comforter, a plastic trash can, clever paintings, and a windowless door. TV also available in 17 (sometimes 19) rooms. Most of the rooms are air-conditioned. Oscillating fans available upon request. Illuminated carports will protect your vehicle from the vicious sudden dust storms that often overtake the Desert Area and the wild thieves that occasionally parade across the landscape like some unmentionable horror. Call now at TU-0780 and ask for Bud or Karen (married).
UTILITY YARD SHEDS
The Lowinger Brothers offer great utility yard sheds at low prices. This one is haunted. Call Lankville Port Area 1072.
VACATION PACKAGES!
Spectacular vacations in campers by little mountains. Your cares will melt away but you will have to be careful of that shack (pictured). A lunatic lives there. Call Mercantile District 2711.
WRESTLING TONIGHT!
8PM, Southern Lankville Man-Arena. Featuring Ric "Wild Boy" Tipps (green trunks).
ZACH KEEBAUGH INVESTIGATIONS
Only in The Lankville Daily News
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LETTER SACK