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Beware of Traveling Pizza Men! Brian Schropp on Cuisine
Brian Schropp on Cuisine
I have heard the tales of traveling pizza men most of my life but I honestly thought they were just the stuff of legend and folklore. Vagabonds and ne’er-do-wells traveling the roadways with their compact pizza stands setting up shop sometimes for a day or even just a few hours selling ‘wholesome pizza’ to an unsuspecting public. These con artists were out just to make a quick buck and nothing else. The ‘pizza pies’ were usually made with the lowest quality toppings available or ones that were stolen from actually pizza shops. Horror stories of people taking their pizzas home only to find that the ‘crust’ was made of simple cardboard or that the ‘sauce and cheese’ was really just red paste and shredded packing peanuts. By the time the police were called these evil fiends were already far down the road counting the real ‘dough’.
Most of these tales sprang up during two different times in Lankville history- the lean and hard depression years and the ‘pizza prohibition’ years. Both eras were so far in our past that many (including myself!!) took these men to be almost myth. Well, sadly I had to learn the hard way that this practice is very much alive.
A picture from the ‘pizza prohibition’ years. A very dark time in our history.
Of course all of this would happen when my manager Scott had stepped out to run a few errands one day last week. Our early afternoon rush had just ended and there was always a bit of lag time before the mid-afternoon rush would pick up. I was in the back showing my ‘cleaning team’ the finer points of some new scrubbing brushes when Big James (the kid in charge of the nacho cheese) came up to me.
“Huh– Bri, it looks like there is a-huh-group of guys outside—and huh—they’re setting up what looks like a pizza stand–singing and yellin’ and-huh-stuff like that. No one knows what to do cause Scott isn’t here.”
We were also between assistant managers yet again so I peeled off my yellow cleaning gloves and headed up front with Big James. We joined Charlie ‘The Nugget Guy’ by our storefront window who was keeping an eye on the whole thing. “Looks like traveling pizza men to me and they’re putting on quite a spectacle. Got a whole huge crowd gathering around them now. They know what they’re doing– setting up by the dialysis center. Those old folks don’t know if they’re coming or going.”
I pressed my face really close to the glass. “I can’t believe there is really such a thing as traveling pizza men!”
Charlie shook his head and gave his usual sarcastic snicker, a snicker born out of many hard years in the pizza trade. “You better believe it’s still a thing. Whenever times get tough you will see traveling pizza men trying to earn a quick buck. All I know is our mid-afternoon rush is going to start soon and if we do nothing about it these guys are going to take a big chunk of our profits.”
Big James took off his cap and scratched his head. “What should we do?”
Another snicker, this time a bit more nervous. “One of us is going to need to go out and tell these guys to move on.”
I pulled my face off the glass making a popping noise like a suction cup. “Maybe we should wait until Scott gets back.”
“He pretty much trusts us with the afternoon rushes so he might not be here until evening. Who knows what will happen by then.”
Neil Cuppy, a ‘sucker’ for pizza.
“You should go out Bri,” Big James added– quickly trying to get himself out of dealing with it.
“Yeah-yeah Scott likes you the best anyways. Plus I got a bummed knee and all so I really can’t.” Charlie was already holding the door open for me.
I knew arguing was going to delay the inevitable so I wiped my hands on my crusted pizza apron and headed out into the afternoon heat. The crowd was gaining in size as I made my way across the blacktop. They had indeed set up right by the front door of the dialysis center so not only were they getting the people coming in and out but everyone driving by had a nice clear view of the show. There were four of them all dressed like a “barbershop quartet”. They had the folks tickled and distracted, doing song and dance numbers while making the pizzas quickly out of their tiny tasty bake oven and the toppings put on from a makeshift table. They even wore ‘name tags’ with false names like ‘Johnny Pizzeria’ to look legit. As I pushed my way to the front I stopped for a moment to watch in awe and wonder at how fast these guys were moving. So fast that in fact I think people were not even sure what they were buying, the dog and pony show had them spellbound.
I was bumped by fellow Lankville reporter, Neil Cuppy who had just purchased one. He held the box up proudly “Say Bri, these fine folks are such a hoot! Can’t wait to sit in my car and try a slice.”
“Neil, I think they’re traveling pizza men and might be ripping you off.”
“Don’t be silly who would try to scam anyone on such a joyous thing as a pizza? You folks over at ‘The Round’ need not to be jealous, you know I will be back for my lunch there tomorrow.”
I turned my attention back to the traveling pizza men (the opinions of Neil Cuppy have always mattered little anyway). One of them had noticed my standard issued ‘Pizza-A-Round’ outfit. “Lookey here folks, a roly-poly lad from the local pizza establishment who must be tired of his own boring crust!!” He said this very loud and whimsical, making everyone laugh. “Please when buying our fine pies don’t let him in our secrets!!”
Three of them broke into a song (I have to admit– their harmonizing was spot on) while one in the corner shouted, “Get your pies- get your pizza pies!! Made fresh for only five dollars!!”
I made my way around the fast and furious exchange of cash to speak with the cashier. “Uhm, excuse me- excuse me sir–”
He tried to ignore me by talking his game louder. I tugged at his striped shirt sleeve- “Can I just have a word?”
The man turned to me, eyes blazing. He spoke very softly so no one else could hear. “WHAT, do you want?”
I am never good at confrontation. “Uhm, I know all about you guys. Not only are you taking business away from my workplace, you are also fooling these fine people. I think you guys should leave, believe me you don’t want to be around when my manager comes back.”
The Traveling Pizza Men, please beware!!
His eyes bore into me even further from behind his glasses. All I could see in them was a pure, dark soulless evil. Again he spoke very softly, “Listen chubby, we will be out of here soon enough.” He casually pulled a little bit of a thick pepperoni stick from his pocket just enough for only me to see. “Now you are going to slowly walk back across the parking lot, go in, and lock the door and wait for us to leave. You do not want to be on the receiving end of this pepperoni stick.”
What was I going to do?!! I know what Scott would of done– there would have been none of this talking business, just bloodshed, but I’m not Scott. Before I had time even to think about a solution, Neil Cuppy was back comically and awkwardly climbing over the crowd. “Sirs-sirs-you made some sort of mistake with my pizza! Instead of pepperoni there are these strange metal bits spray-painted orange. I chipped a tooth!” I heard one in the middle mutter to the other “Shit, they’re opening their pizzas too fast–”
The scene turned tense quickly– people who had just paid their five dollars threw open their own boxes to see what was inside. Shouts of all sorts of things were heard ‘confetti’, ‘plastic tubing’, and ‘razor wire’ were some of the more popular ones. A vicious slapping fight ensued with the traveling pizza men trying to pack up their stuff and the conned reaching over the table trying to grab their money back. The one with the glasses took out the pepperoni stick and things turned uglier. The crowd was in a full uproar but with many of them being older folks from the dialysis center they had a hard time fighting back physically.
The next thing that happened was purely my fault, I should of had my wits about me and been far away from this chaotic mess. But I was caught up in all the action and was standing there like a bump on a log with my mouth open.
I was clearly in the way of these men who were nearly packed up. The bespectacled cashier wasted none of his breath in giving me a firm whack over the head with that thick pepperoni stick so they could get away. I went down like a ton of sausage and cheese pizza brick rolls.
First there was black and then a light—and then, yes, the sweet chorus which I haven’t heard in so very long. I was having a bumpkin vision!!! We were somehow having a picnic in the middle of a giant tornado. Three bumpkins (one with a tail!!) had set out a large red and white checkered blanket with all sorts of food. Even though we were spinning in this whirlwind everything was peaceful and calm. Their destroyed trailer was circling around us in the background. All the plates had strange food items not yet invented but someday I would remember them and bring them to life; I vaguely recall pairings of meats and various cheese sauces for the most part.
Slowly, I heard my name being called from outside the tornado– at first a whisper and then becoming louder. When I was brought back I was still on the ground in the parking lot with Scott shaking me asking if I was OK. The police had sealed off the area and were taking statements from people (I even saw Neil Cuppy with an ice pack over his mouth). I learned from Detective Gee Temple that this particular group have been very active of late and probably the pepperoni stick was stolen from another nearby pizza place. Scott drove around after the cops were gone in hopes of getting a little bit of revenge. But these guys know how to make a swift getaway and I’m sure they were already in another suburban neighborhood.
So please dear readers be careful and use extra caution when you are out and about on our streets. Don’t be a Neil Cuppy and get swindled into a quick fix pizza– they are not always what they seem. Until next time please keep your minds and mouths open to new ideas. Happy Eating!!-Bri
Oakes, Jr. to Publish Short Story Collection
By Larry “God” Peters
LANKVILLE ACTION NEWS: YES!
Lankville Daily News correspondent Dick Oakes, Jr. will publish his first collection of short stories. The book will be released on September 1st.
No Merit in It includes several pieces that have been published in past editions of the News.
Oakes, who was interviewed while squatting in a pebbly lot, noted that he is pleased with the collection.
No Merit in It: The Collected Stories of Dick Oakes, Jr.
“I thought those boys [at the publishing house] did a good job with it. I mean, I don’t fool none with computers or calculators so they had to type it up and everything. Come out nice.”
No Merit in It will be available for $19.99 in trade paperback and $39.99 for deluxe hardcover. Several copies will be signed by the author. Oakes will not be doing a book tour.
“At first we thought that maybe Dick could do a few signings at the store,” noted Randy Pendleton’s Double Book Hut employee Larry Klacik. “But we were told by his agent that he will likely be out-of-town or “incapacitated”, whatever that means. We offered them twenty different dates but none worked with Dick’s busy schedule.”
Klacik paused to adjust some puzzles which were bumped slightly out of place by a passing customer.
“We expect that the book will sell well,” added Klacik. “Everyone enjoys Dick’s funny stories.”
Oakes, who has been writing for the News since 1982, has won several trophies for his investigative reporting. He is also Lankville’s premier authority on the sport of Small Motel Girl Wrestling.
The book is the third to be published this year by the News, following two titles by noted cuisine writer Brian Schropp.
Gump Penetrates
Gump Tibbs
It’s time for another penetrating interview with Gump Tibbs. Today, Gump interviews Scott, Pizza-A-Round manager and author of the bestselling “The Pizza Trade”.
GUMP: So, Scott, you have that little area in the paper where they talked about your new book?
S: Yeah man, that goofy employee of mine who writes about food and all that shit is helping me get the word out. He put out his own book recently which was a hit. I thought if someone that awkward with so little real life experience can make it work so could I. Three honest to fuckin’ God true stories, ‘The Trade’,’The Love’,and ‘The Passion’. Aren’t those titles like some damn poetry or somethin’?
GUMP: What a wonderful thing! Do you often write books?
S: Not so much writing, I just talk about my life and the business while Bri records it on one of those micro tape things. He then goes home and writes it all up on some fuckin’ computer program. Me, I ain’t got time to write it all down and shit. Bri really doesn’t mind doing the work and really loves it when I talk about the old days of the pizza trade. I think he likes to live through me in the stories. Sorta like how a poodle sees an alpha male wolf and thinks ‘shit man, I really want to be like that.’
GUMP: Such a pleasure! Is it hard to write books?
S: No way man, once the drink starts flowing and I’m in the backseat of my Neptune with some sweet trailer honey, everything I’m going to tell Bri the next day just sorta comes to me. It also helps smoking a few joints and having 103.5 ‘The Hammer’ cranked up. What a kick ass station, best damn bands.
Scott relaxing at home.
GUMP: What a delight! What is it like running a pharmacy? And why?
S: What the fuck are you talking about?
GUMP: Oh, my! Do you think your book will make people like pizza more?
S: I say it in the book and it’s so goddamn true, it’s a very rough business to be in. Most people have no clue what goes on and would probably shit themselves if they had to be in my shoes. I only hope my book shows how true I am to the business and that if you are going to order from the ‘Pizza-A-Round’ you will be getting a halfway decent pie.
GUMP: How exciting! If a customer dropped his pizza on the floor, would you give him another?
S: Depends if the dude has any more money. Ain’t got time for tears or refunds.
GUMP: Have you ever been mad and punched a pizza?
S: I’ve punched many faces but never a pizza. A pizza is a very sacred thing. I once had some joker work for me who thought he was the shit. Anyway, he lost his cool during a dinner rush and I could tell by the look in his eyes that he was thinking about punching a pizza he was making. Choked the motherfucker out before it got that far.
GUMP: Sensational! I’m going to fire some guns into a hill. Want to join me?
S: You gotta do what floats your fuckin’ boat. I got a hot one and a bottle of whiskey waiting for me in the back of my car. See ya’ around!
THE BSU STRIKES! Brian Schropp on Cuisine
Brian Schropp
It all began with me stopping at the ‘ShopSmart’ to pick up a few items for the book release party at the ‘Pizza-A-Round’. With the recent success of my book ‘Breakfast Sandwich Boy’ my manager, Scott wanted to see if he could possibly add his name to the Lankville bestsellers list. His book,’The Pizza Trade’ is a collection of stories told to me by Scott about the pizza business. There was a full out party staged in our dining area with balloons and cheap booze plus copies of the book for sale. With the purchase of the book you even get two free nuggets and a slice of cake (but you also have to spend $20 on menu items just to get in). So I was picking up some markers at the ‘ShopSmart’ in case someone wanted their book signed by Scott. I was really hoping this would be a success. I would hate to see the fallout if no one shows; Scott had already been drinking the whole day just trying to get his nerves under control.
The cover of Scott’s exciting new book ‘The Pizza Trade’
With markers in hand, I decided I was also a bit hungry (it was a full four blocks I walked from the ‘Pizza-A-Round) and went to grab a delicious ‘ready made’ breakfast sandwich. I recognized the cashier on duty– he belonged to the BSU (Breakfast Sandwich Underground) and gave a discount to others of his kind when purchasing a breakfast sandwich. The cashier (who I will not name) wasn’t very talkative but I really didn’t give the matter a second thought. It wasn’t until I was almost out the door that I noticed I wasn’t given any discount. I went back to see what happened.
“Say (name withheld), I think you forgot to give me that club card discount for the sandwich.” I exaggerated a few winks since we couldn’t talk freely with other Non-BSU’s around.
The cashier didn’t respond- just shook his (or her!!) head while ringing out another customer. Thinking maybe it was just a bad day for this person I left again putting it out of my mind. I was a block or so up the street when I heard the screech of tires from the street behind me and looked back to see a rather large older model car round the corner (knocking a trash can off the sidewalk) and advancing to where I was standing. The driver side window rolled down and I could clearly see three folks in this jalopy (two in the front and one in the back). All were also known members of the BSU.
“Get in Bri,” the driver said while the back door on my side was thrown open. The other two were looking around to see who was watching.
“What’s going on guys? I don’t have time- there is this book signing at work I need to–”
“I SAID GET IN!”
The one who was in the back reached out quickly and gave a hard tug on my sleeve. I knew better than to try and mess around with these folks. Before I even had my door closed the car was racing off taking yet another sidewalk too closely and almost hitting a family. The one in the back snatched the bag out of hands and started to go through it taking out the markers and asking me what they were for.
“For Scott, my manager, he’s going to sign copies of his book–”
The person chuckled. “That loser knows nothing about food. What breakfast sandwich options do you guys have on your menu there?”
“None I guess but I don’t know why—-HEY!!”
Him/her rolled down the window and threw the markers out. The next thing from the bag was my breakfast sandwich. “Thought you would of had this eaten by now.”
“I was just about too—HEY YOU CAN’T–”
“What?”
“GIVE ME YOUR SHOES AND HAT!!”
Off they came and out the window they went.
“I’m going to get in trouble for losing my work cap.”
“Well here is a new one for you-”
The now empty shopping bag was placed over my head and tied tightly around me. “Can’t have you squealing on where we are taking you. Just sit back and try to relax, we will be there soon enough.”
“Wasn’t I just here?”
One of them slammed the door closed. “You have no idea where you are at!!”
I was made to strip and checked THOROUGHLY to make sure I had no recording devices on. Instead of giving me back my clothes I was given a ‘trash bag poncho’ to wear. “Sorry Bri, orders from the high ranks to make sure you were clean. Someone from the top wants a word with you, and I really mean from the top-the way top-‘The Upper Biscuit’ top.”
Which Lankville Reporter is in the BSU?
I raised my eyebrows from inside the bag. In the pecking order of the BSU it goes-The Lower Biscuit, The Egg, The Bacon, The Cheese, and then finally The Upper Biscuit. This meant the person was big time in the movement and made things happen. Why did they want to talk with me? I had only a loose affiliation with the BSU.
After what seemed like a lifetime the door opened again. “About time,” one of the kidnappers grumbled.
“I knew the plan but I’m a very busy person–”
That voice, I knew it!!! Once the bag was untied from my head I saw I was correct. Now dear readers, I am not going to reveal the name of this individual. Even after all this I still somewhat know and understand the ideals of what this movement is doing and I will not be the one to publicly out a member. I will just said that one of The Upper Biscuits is a fellow reporter for the Lankville Daily News. You read and enjoy their articles every day with your morning toast and jam. This the last person on the paper payroll you would expect.
“I see your shocked expression Bri, I will admit it’s a gamble making myself known.”
I tried to ask a question but it just came out a garbled mess.
“I’m not going to screw around- just going to get straight to the point. We of The Upper Crust are not happy with your articles for the paper. You were meant to help promote and spread the cause of breakfast sandwiches so that maybe, just maybe, they might get an equal playing field.”
“I do, I mean I try—”
“Do you really? Your first few articles had promise, it’s true. Since then it’s just been a mess. Pizza Eggwiches, bumpkins, hill people, half the time the articles don’t even make sense.”
“Yes, breakfast sandwiches are my life. It’s just so much else has happened to me since I began writing–”
My fellow reporter held up a hand to silence me. “I’m not here to listen to excuses Bri. I am here to let you know that your connection to the BSU is now over. No more discounts, no more coming to our secret late night tasting parties. You are not an outright enemy but what we call a ‘luncher’. Just remember how entrenched we are in every aspect of life in Lankville. You know that gelatin dinner thing you created, ever wonder why the warnings got so bad? I mean don’t get me wrong that thing is a health hazard, just with a word from us and it was raised ever so slightly. Remember how your Mom tried to fix you some breakfast this morning?”
“She swore she bought a box of breakfast sandwiches the other day.”
“She did. (pause for dramatic effect) We took them in the night. Again, this is just a warning- don’t mess with us and we won’t mess with you.”
I got the point loud and clear…my wallet was taken and my ‘Friend of the BSU’ membership card (which is disguised to look like your normal everyday retail discount card) was confiscated. For some reason I was allowed to leave from what looked like the manager’s office back of the store. I did get my wallet back but none of my clothes. So, in my ‘trash bag poncho’ I decided I was still hungry but instead of buying another ‘ready made’ breakfast sandwich I just bought a can of sloppy joe mix. Somehow having a breakfast sandwich at that moment didn’t feel right. The cashier hastily put up the ‘register closed’ sign right when I was walking up and I had to fumble around with the self checkout machine.
Luckily my clothes were outside on the sidewalk in the bag which was tied over my head (I guess they have some sorta heart, they could of thrown them in the dumpsters if they really wanted to) and even found my hat, shoes, and the markers for Scott’s book signing (these items were a bit beat up from the traffic).
It was a long four blocks back to the ‘Pizza-A-Round’ not just because people were making fun of the ‘trash bag poncho’ from their cars and doorways but also because I was reflecting on how my life will be different going forward. Everything seemed just a tad bit darker, who was really a friend now? Is this the price you pay for growing as a cuisine writer? Questions best left to answer in due time and after a busy book signing. Looks like it’s a pretty good turnout (which shouldn’t be a surprise, it’s a pretty wonderful book!!) and my poncho was also a hit among the crowd!! Until next time readers, please keep your minds and mouths open to new ideas. Happy eating!!-Bri
A Trucker’s Food Challenge
Brian Schropp, Senior Cuisine Writer
BRIAN SCHROPP ON CUISINE
So there I was enjoying another endless summer day at the ‘Deep Northern Suburban Lankville Trucker’s Pool and Spa Association’. At some point earlier in the season someone found a water hose (which I guess was used for washing big rigs) and has been regularly keeping the pool and all the various kiddie pools filled with cool crisp hose water. It’s not only the water I enjoy but also talking with the truckers and hearing their road stories. Sure, when a large group of them get a little drunk they will force me to wear an adult diaper and I have to strut around and cluck like a chicken while they throw bottle caps at me for their amusement but I try not to take it too personally. Trucker Joe says that’s just the wild humorous nature of a Lankville trucker which makes them so special and it should actually be taken as a high honor. He says most ‘norms’ (non-truckers) are usually not allowed inside at all and the few that are don’t live to talk about it. The spa can look like a rough and harsh place to us on the outside but I find it actually be a warm and loving place to those they accept (as long as they don’t drink too much).
Anyway, Trucker Joe and I were sitting at the poolside basking in the sun and getting our ‘drink on’ from the bar (Joe, a nice bottle of a local brew ‘Scrub’s Delight’ and myself a nice tall glass of strawberry milk). After awhile various truckers began to set up folding tables near the pool area. At first I thought nothing of it but became curious when tablecloths were being placed on them.
Trucker’s families love to cram into a nice small kiddie pool.
“Say Joe, what’s going on? Is there going to be another ‘Trucker’s Fest’?”
A couple times during the summer they throw these all night parties by the pool. If this was the case I was going to make a quick exit, I would soon be clucking the night away.
Joe shook his head. “Oh no Bri, today is actually a special day for us members of the spa. You know how the norms have their own ‘Lankville Food Challenge’? Well, we truckers do our own! We figure if the outsiders think they’re good enough to crisp some bacon or open a can of Lankville Sausages then so can we. I didn’t want to tell you so it would a surprise.”
I was absolutely delighted!! I had heard tales of ‘trucker cuisine’ but never had the pleasure of trying it. I started to ask him about the rules and the judging of the event since the normal food challenge is a complicated affair.
“Nothing that advanced. We usually just set everything out and people decide which one is the best. The winner gets a 25% discount coupon for ‘Sweet Georgie’s Big Rig Wash’.”
“Are you going to enter something?”
Trucker Joe gave me his goofy grin. “Oh you bet thee, I’ve come close to winning a few times but always lose out. This year I think I have it.” He looked around to make sure no one was listening “Follow me, you can help me get it ready!”
Not only was I going to be sampling a sub-genre of food I had never tried but now I would be helping one of my closest friends in their own culinary endeavors. My imagination went wild on what possible delights Joe could have envisioned. Would it be anywhere near my recent brilliant brainstorm ‘Deep Northern Meat Bits Dinner Loaf Topped With Sweet Southern Lankville BBQ in A Green And Yellow Butter Sauce’? We went into one of the side buildings and he pulled out a cooler with his name on it from under a table. Again he looked around to make sure no one was about.
“I got this really good ham and swiss cheese at an ‘off the back of a truck’ discount. I know that sounds bad but it’s pretty good quality, I think the stuff never hit the road. Now what’s really going to win it for me is this fancy bread with black seedy things from ‘Foodville’. The bread is so soft and delicious, truckers never had bread this fancy before. I mean it, they have no concept that there is even a thing as fancy bread. I can tell you that their worlds will be rocked. Come on and help me make a few.”
Could a simple ham and swiss sandwich win?
It took me a moment to process that this was actually going to be his entry. “Joe, all you have is a ham and cheese sandwich. Everybody has had that before.”
“You’re not listening to me, it’s the bread that’s going to win it for me. It’s a fancy bread with black seedy things.” He paused giving me his ‘you must be the dumbest person in Lankville’ look.
“Well the bread is from ‘Foodville’– it can’t be that good. Anyways it looks like someone has already taken a bite out of most of these buns, did you get these at a discount to?” I wouldn’t put it past a ‘manager’ like Hank Cameron to peddle shifty bread.
Joe ignored my question and went on about his ‘culinary achievement’. He began to cut the ham and swiss out of the area where the Foodville bread was ‘damaged’– now it looked like somebody had taken a bite out of the whole thing. I began to question him if he really thought this idea was going to work especially when he mentioned there were going to be no condiments on the bread as well.
He waved me off. “You gotta trust me, I know what I’m doing.”
I left Joe to go out and try some of the other offerings. I really hoped he wouldn’t make too much of a fool of himself.
Most of the other truckers had their entries set up and ready to be judged. Being a ‘norm’ but a somewhat respected foodie, I was allowed to sample small portions. A big selection of the items were baked bean themed and among those a large percent were just open baked bean cans with stuff thrown in. I learned that most truckers don’t have time to prepare full meals while hauling freight over Lankville’s interstates and highways. They are just looking for good, simple but flavorful food. I felt proud to learn a new aspect of ‘trucker culture’ I didn’t know.
While pondering this Joe made his grand entrance. “Behold! A new kind of sandwich the likes of which you have never feasted on before!!” He came out holding two paper plates while the spa dogs danced around him (he is known in the trucker circles as a bit of a ‘drama queen’).
The crowd ‘oohed’ and ‘aahed’ as the plates were placed on the table. A few were afraid to try the sandwiches at first because of the black seedy things. Once they had a bite though their eyes glazed over in ecstasy. That was all it took, everyone wanted to try some. I had to help Joe make some more since the demand was so high.
“What type of bread is this?” one trucker asked.
Trucker Joe
“A fancy bread,” Joe replied.
“I didn’t know there were any other kinds expect ‘Lankville White’. Did you put the black seedy things on?”
“Nope, they came like that.”
“Amazing!!”
“Is this ham and swiss from that deli tractor trailer accident the other week?” another inquired.
“Yup”.
“Good choice. I heard the stuff never hit the road.”
It struck me that their food challenge didn’t need to be complicated or filled with any type of ‘advanced flavor profiles’. Trucker Joe actually did know what the people wanted and how to win. So kudos to him for easily winning that coupon to wash his big rig. He held the extra large coupon in the air while the music started to play from the spa speakers and a full-fledged party began. I got so caught up in Joe winning and thinking about the trucker culture I didn’t hear the chant of ‘cluck’,’cluck’,cluck’. It was too late and I found myself in the clutches of two extra strong trucker women who stripped me and threw a diaper on. I found myself clucking for the afternoon but if that was the cost for hanging around such fine folk then so be it.
Until next time dear readers, please keep your mind and mouth open to new ideas. Happy Eating!!-Bri
Odds and Ends: Brian Schropp on Cuisine
Brian Schropp, Senior Cuisine Writer
Well, there seems to be yet another update on the warnings issued for my ‘Lankville O’s Gelatin Dinner Time Surprise’ recipe. As I stated last week part of the warning was for pregnant women and children under 12 to use extreme caution when eating. Now UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES should pregnant women or children under 12 have ANY amounts of this or even be in the same room with the actual completed recipe for more than 20 minutes. I’m still unclear on what exactly is making this so risky to eat especially since I can (and do) eat very large amounts and am perfectly fine. Trying to locate the right channels who issue these statements has been quite frustrating.
Gelatin Surprise with Canned Western Lankville Sausages
Nevertheless, I do have a modified recipe for this gelatin delight which uses Canned Western Lankville Sausages on top. I’ve been told people who have used this particular recipe DO NOT get sick (or die) eating ANY amounts provided that they throw away and not eat the canned sausages on top. Do the sausages somehow absorb whatever toxins (if that is indeed the cause) that are created in the mix? I’ve been wanting to try the modified recipe on my family to see if this is actually true but everyone in the house refuses. If any reader wants to be a ‘test subject’ for me please contact via the paper or stop by the ‘Pizza-A-Round’ when I’m working. I really want to try and make this delicious meal safe for everyone!
“Just eat around the sides then, you ass,” Scott barked. Then he nodded over to me, “Don’t you see who made this? Dumb shits should be delighted in trying something from one of the great culinary minds around. Have you never tasted butter with BBQ sauce before? With the meat bits it takes it to another level!”
Still proud of my meat bits loaf creation
Another judge remarked there was a lot of butter on the loaf and she wasn’t even sure how ‘green butter’ is made. (To be honest, I’m not really sure either it just seems to turn out that way when I put all the ingredients together).
Scott was not happy with the judges decision to outright refuse to taste our food. He knocked over the table and a few others around our area while threatening the lives of the judges’ families. When the green and yellow butter hit the lodge floor it made this cool hissing sound and even started to eat into the floor! Luckily I got Scott out of there before any type of law enforcement showed up. I was a bit disappointed in losing but honestly, I knew it was a long shot. The winner of the day was of course the mighty ‘Crown Of Frankfurters’ and I wish it all the success as it battles to win the whole Lankville Food Challenge. I have a feeling it has a very good chance in doing so!!
To end on a brighter note, I stopped by to see my friend Eddie the other day and check how his ‘Bra Lunch Buffet’ was doing. Turns out my article a few weeks ago has helped him increase sales. “Oh yes Bri, I can’t believe how many people show up for the lunch buffet now.” Eddie was grinning ear to ear wearing a very fashionable green and black bra of his own. “You see I was able to buy this beautiful lace bra for myself with the money coming in. I also bought that other plastic tree over there by the buffet stand. I still get the food from the shelter- it’s cheap and the customers don’t seem to mind that much. I did buy new paper plates and am not washing the old ones anymore. It’s a real skill to wash paper plates and make them usable again.” Being in charge of the ‘cleaning team’ at the ‘Pizza-A-Round’ I could sure relate.
A happy customer at the bra lunch buffet.
I asked him what sort of people were coming in.
“Mostly men. Men wearing bras. And then using my bras for the buffet. Lot of men sitting around looking at each other men in bras. A few shifty old perverts come in hoping to catch a woman in one but usually leave disappointed. Just really men on men bra action.”
Even though that last sentence made me extremely uncomfortable I was still glad to see things have picked for him.
Until next week dear readers, please keep minds and mouths open to new ideas. Happy Eating!!-Bri
Schropp’s “Breakfast Sandwich Boy” Enters Bestseller List
By Elliott Cumber-Lanny
LANKVILLE ACTION NEWS: YES!
Brian Schropp’s recently-released book Breakfast Sandwich Boy has entered the Lankville Daily News Bestseller List, sources are confirming.
The collection of short stories by the popular cuisine writer ranked has sold over 100,000 copies in its first week of publication.
Schropp’s bestselling tome.
“I’m pleased,” Schropp noted. “I’m glad everyone is enjoying reading about my adventures in the Deep Northern Suburbs”.
Breakfast Sandwich Boy currently holds the 6th spot of Lankville’s 50 best-selling titles.
“While I’m lusciously delighted beyond belief, the strange thing about the book being a bestseller is that I’ve only received $12,” Schropp complained. “Whenever I call the publisher, nobody answers. A message comes on with a beep but then you only get two seconds to leave your message before it cuts off. It took me three hours to complete my message. But I’m hoping if they listen to all the messages in order, they’ll understand and send me a check.”
“I’m sure they will,” Schropp added cheerfully.
Breakfast Sandwich Boy features two original stories with a photograph of the author on the cover.
“People are inherently good,” said Schropp, who was interviewed while preparing a gigantic bowl of mysterious batter in his parents kitchen. “I know they will send me the money. It’s just a misunderstanding. I trust that people will always do the right thing.”
Schropp began laughing nervously and the gigantic bowl of batter accidentally spilled onto the floor.
“MOM!” Schropp yelled while running out of the room. The interview was ended prematurely.
Schropp Releases “Breakfast Sandwich Boy”; Holds Book Signing
By Lloyd Byas-Kirk
LITERARY HAPPENINGS
Brian Schropp has gained fame for his cuisine articles. Now he writes books too!
The Lankville Daily News columnist released his first collection of short stories on Saturday and held a book signing at Randy Pendleton’s Double Book Hut in the Deep Northern suburbs yesterday.
Attendance was reported as sparse although Schropp noted that “there were some people in the store”.
“I only signed a couple of books but that’s OK. Just getting the word out,” the newly-minted author averred.
Brian Schropp, author.
“I didn’t think he signed any,” said Randy Pendleton’s Double Book Hut employee Larry Klacik, who assisted in managing the event. “He was over in a distant corner of the store by the knitting section so maybe people didn’t notice him or something. But I know that he arrived with five copies and then one guy who had ordered the book online returned his copy directly to Brian so he left with six. Pretty sure he didn’t sign any.”
Schropp chalked the comment up to a misunderstanding.
“I think I signed at least ten,” he noted. “But it’s true, I left with more than I came with.”
Schropp began staring at a nearby throw tarp and we did not pursue the contradiction.
The collection “Breakfast Sandwich Boy” features two new stories never before published and a photograph of the author on the cover.
“He tried to give me a copy but I politely declined,” noted Klacik, a part-time employee at the Double Book Hut, who serves as assistant manager of the puzzle table. “I don’t read much about food and plus I was kind of drunk. But he was a nice enough guy.”
The book will be sold in selected bookshops throughout the Deep Northern Suburbs and will be available online and via the publisher.
Police Issue “Tawny Alert” Over Strange Handbills; Schropp Briefly Questioned
By Lloyd Byas-Kirk
LANKVILLE ACTION NEWS: YES!
Lankville Police and the Bureau of Probes have issued a “tawny alert” after a series of strange handbills appeared yesterday on area telephone poles, bulletin boards and parked cars.
The handbill, which advertises a furniture refinishing service, is believed to be managed and operated by a notorious felon known only as “Steve, the Cat Handbag”.
One of the strange handbills that has Lankville on tawny alert.
“We arrested Steve back in ’88 for robbing a pretzel kiosk at gunpoint,” noted Detective Gee-Temple, who was the first to arrive at the scene. “That’s something that doesn’t hold any water here in Lankville.”
The flier, however, makes claims of Steve’s complete rehabilitation and skill at furniture refinishing. A phone number is proffered.
Gee-Temple for one says he’s not believing it.
“I’d recommend that citizens take their furniture refinishing business elsewhere. Steve is a dangerous criminal. If things don’t go his way, he’ll rob another pretzel kiosk, no question. We’ve issued the tawny alert to try to prevent this from happening again.”
The Bureau of Probes uses a series of “color alerts” to warn citizens– tawny, cobalt, cherry dahlia and burnt cinnamon (the highest level).
“We went with tawny because we’re going to give Steve the opportunity to explain these handbills,” noted Gee-Temple, who paused to investigate a shooting in the hallway. “If Steve does not answer the questions to our satisfaction or if he has gone on the lam, then we’ll certainly increase the warning to say, cherry dahlia or maybe even burnt cinnamon. Hate to do that, but we have to protect the public.”
“…his entire face was pressed against the window and he had this really strange look…”
SCHROPP BRIEFLY QUESTIONED
Lankville Daily News cuisine writer Brian Schropp was briefly questioned yesterday after the epicure was spotted leering oddly into several Deep Northern Suburban Lankville eateries.
“I looked up and there he was– his entire face was pressed against the window and he had this really strange look,” noted waitress Ursula Peters-Holly of The Breakfast Caucus Restaurant. “An hour later, I looked up and he was still in the exact same spot, with the same look, so I snapped a picture.”
Schropp was later spotted outside The Sandwich Castle and The Casa Montecristo (an elegant reception hall).
“The look on my face may appear goofy,” Schropp later explained, “but I’m actually concentrating deeply on the restaurant within, trying to understand its inner workings, decide whether it fits into the parameters of my enhanced taste palette and then, ultimately, coming to conclusions about reviewing the restaurant or not in my column.”
“Perfectly reasonable to me,” noted Gee-Temple, who was the first to arrive to the scene.
Schropp was released into the care of his parents.
A Tour Of My Local ‘Lankville O’s’ Processing Plant
Brian Schropp on Cuisine
Sometimes, my dear readers, your wishes really do come true. The news which I had secretly dreamed of since I was a little boy came via a tomato sauce-scented post card last week- ‘Lankville O’s’ CEO, Wally Denmark, was sending me a personal invitation to tour the local processing plant! It seems the company and Mr. Denmark himself have been quite pleased with not only my positive endorsement of everyone’s favorite canned pasta but also with my recipes incorporating them. What an honor!! Very few people are let into the doors to see ‘how the magic is made’ and even fewer get to see Mr. Denmark himself. The CEO was going to meet me at the plant to show me around!
Needless to say the night before the tour very few winks of sleep were had, I felt like that young boy again imagining what the inside of that processing plant was like. That morning waking up very early (7AM!!) I had my Mom prepare me a ‘Lankville O’s’ egg and scrapple sandwich with a generous side of ‘O’s’ with meat bits (my favorite type). My Dad offered to drive me there but the plant was so close it would be an easy walk.
My local processing plant 671B
The company is the number one job supplier to the Deep Northern Suburban Lankville area; there is one plant every .5 miles. Like the old saying goes- ‘If you are going to the Deep Northern Area don’t slip on any O’s!’ My local plant number was 671B.
Having never been to one or any other ‘working man’ type of plant before I was a little nervous about exactly where to enter and maybe having some type of large underpaid worker yell at me. As it turns out, I didn’t need to worry at all– it was like they were just waiting there to greet me! A small group of workers had a little red carpet rolled out and started clapping when I emerged from the nearby woods (the foot path was the quickest way to get there). Truckers, ready to roll out and deliver the goodness of the day, honked their horns and gave a friendly wave while I made my way across the parking lot. It was a delightful reception!
Once I made it to the group a sweaty, slightly nervous man who turned out to be the plant manager shook my hand while a few photos were snapped; then he quickly led me inside. The corporate offices were nothing to write home about even though the people were all very nice and stood and clapped while I was led through. The plant manager told me the CEO was in his private lounge (I think he has one in every plant) having a drink and anxiously awaiting my arrival. The lounge was tucked back behind the offices and seemed very spacious. The only two in there was the man himself and the bartender.
CEO Wally Denmark
“Please Bri,” said Wally Denmark, flashing me a warm smile. “Come over here and have a drink with me.”
I had the barkeep whip up a nice cold glass of strawberry milk (which had to be brought from the cafeteria since there was only hard alcohol stored in the bar).
“First off I hope my physical appearance does not disturb you. There are some nasty rumors going around saying I had these implanted into my forehead at a young age. Sure, I was a born billionaire and could have had that done but it’s really not true. This is just an unfortunate bone growth that only looks like horns. It does give the impression of absolute evil but I believe myself to be quite the opposite.” With the push of a button on the bar the plant manager came back in to nervously tell me how nice and supportive the CEO was. I told Mr. Denmark I was so excited about seeing the plant I didn’t even notice the horns.
“And I personally wanted to give you this tour not only for the mention in the paper which always helps sales but also because of your unique uses for the ‘O’s.”
“Glad you enjoy them.”
“Well I never tasted any of your ‘cutting edge ideas’ myself. You see, the last few months my company has been under what is known as a ‘hostile takeover’. Believe it or not some company out of the depths of Southern Lankville scrapped up enough money plus influence and tried to buy their way onto the Executive Board. I really thought they had me, these swine were right on the verge of getting into my company when I decided to have them over for dinner. They thought I was having them over so as a sort of ‘peace offering’– little did they know what was in store for them! My personal chef made a VERY generous helping of your “Lankville O’s Gelatin Dinner time Surprise’ and needless to say the group was soon gone. I feel a little indebted to you in a weird roundabout way.”
I didn’t understand what he meant. Did these folks take my recipe for their own purpose? I mean, I never kept it a secret. Ultimately, I decided I really didn’t care– I was just here to see the plant and told him so.
“Yes, let’s get this tour underway, I have ‘hostile takeovers’ of my own to work on later.”
Plant workers dong their best to make every can special
If you thought your typical ‘Lankville O’s’ processing plant was big from the outside you should see the inside!! We walked around the security railings which were on every level (Mr. Denmark doesn’t like to get himself dirty getting on the actual work floor). He rattled on about the facts and figures of the whole operation- how many cans were made each day at each plant and how much sauce it took etc etc. Would even go into detail about each machine and how it functioned. I’m sure he was telling me this so I could use the information for future articles. Embarrassingly however, in my excitement I left my notebook at home so no details were written down. I did enjoy watching all the employees hard at work trying to make each and every can special. I was trying my best to ignore all the ‘on site accidents’, the fingers and other body parts being sliced open or torn off with said parts just tumbling down the conveyor belts. Wally would shake his head and say “those things happen in big commercial operations.”
The ‘Killing Floor’
Getting to Know Your Local Restaurateurs
Brian Schropp
CUISINE BY BRIAN SCHROPP
The restaurant business is a crazy game. Especially in the depths of Deep Northern Suburban Lankville, you see the food establishments come and go with a reckless fury. So, what makes the good ones last? The taste palette of your typical Deep Northerner can be a complicated one indeed. You need the flavors to be deep, rich and bold- a true Deep Northerner will understand the taste of ‘Lankville O’s’ mixed in a tater tot casserole better than most. One person who is trying to get the answer right is a good friend of mine, Eddie. So far in all his culinary ventures it’s been a very mixed result. I sat down to interview him at his new place ‘Eddie’s’, a newer more upscale affair than his previous restaurant ‘Eddie’s Sub Shack’.
Unfortunately things seemed a little quiet in what should of been a very busy lunch time rush. Eddie was sitting over at a table piled high with bills while punching away at an adding machine ‘trying to make the numbers work’. He was also wearing a pretty nice bra that suited him well. Before getting into the food game Eddie was known around Deep Northern Suburban Lankville as the ‘weird dude who always walked around with a bra on’. He was a local sensation for awhile being in parades and such. I guess he thought his celebrity would help propel him to a successful food career.
Eddie- trying to make the food business work for him.
I took a seat pushing one of the stacks of bills away so I could see him.
“Hey Bri, just working on these figures and I gotta say it’s not looking very good. The expenses are far outweighing the people who are coming in and putting something in their mouths. I had high hopes of really making this new place as fancy as possible but I’m still using plastic utensils instead of nice silverware. In fact, I’m using the same plastic utensils over and over again since my budget will only allow for one pack.”
“Well I guess as long as you keep washing them that’s OK.”
“Yeah sure keep washing them. I need money for dish soap.”
“Are lunches always this slow?”
“Pretty much. As you can see I have a small buffet set up in the corner by that plastic plant. They say a buffet is a good way of drawing customers in but I’m not sure if it’s really working for me. I’m putting out what any Deep Northerner would look for. White bread with gravy, you can put the gravy on anything over there- the Canned Western Lankville Sausages, the cheesy pasta shells, the various meat bits. It’s good gravy, I got it at the store the other day at a good price. Also have some of those extra spicy nacho chips with a can of nacho cheese, I’ll open the can if someone is interested. Oh and a celery stick in case a person wants to put it with their food to make it look pretty.”
“Why are your bras hanging next to the buffet?”
“Oh, I’m offering a ‘Bra Buffet Special’. You can fill up both sides of the bra for $9.98, the bra cups are pretty deep so it’s a good deal.”
“Do you wash those?”
The ‘Bra Buffet Special’ $9.98 for BOTH cups.
“When I can. I’m a pretty clean guy, I wash at least a few times a week. In fact the one I am wearing now a guy used for my Monday ‘Lankville O’s’ buffet special. I had that canned pasta goodness in all sorts of packaged meat bits and discounted veggies microwaved to perfection. Well actually the dude just wanted to try on the bras which was fine because he paid for the buffet. These Monday buffets have been my most successful so far.”
“How many people have come?”
“Oh, so far only that guy.”
“Have you seen my recent recipe for the ‘Lankville O’s Gelatin Dinner Time Surprise’? Maybe you could modify something like that to help increase sales.”
“I have seen it!! Looks so wonderful but also just looks too complicated to make.”
“It is at first,” I admitted. “The trick is using the right amount of non-toxic glue. And please don’t try to microwave this one, if you’re going to make it you gotta turn on your stove.”
“I try not to use the stove for much cooking.”
“I guess it’s been kinda rough trying to establish yourself as a fancy restaurant yet having to do this more common buffet.”
“Very much so! If I could only sell this food that’s in the buffet then I could use that money to buy some slightly better food and so on until the money started to flow in. This stuff here can only be refrigerated so many times before it doesn’t even look right.”
“How is the dinner experience going?”
“A little better than the lunches, I go down to the local shelter and pick up what food they have left over to use. Most of the time the stuff looks OK, I use my culinary skills to rework most of it into more fancy dining food.”
“The ‘Maple Chicken’ I got here a few weeks ago was really good, I think I recognized the syrup you used, I use it all the time on my breakfast sandwiches.”
“It’s probably the same brand, I get it at the store real cheap.”
“You know how to keep a nugget crisp even when microwaving it, that’s a pretty impressive skill.”
“Thanks. Hey, who was that crazy dude you were with? The one who freaked out on you?”
“Oh that was my Therapist, Dr. Nickelbee.”
“I would stay away from him, Bri. Not only am I a restaurateur and bra wearer but I am also a ‘soul seer’. I use to travel around with a carnival– yes I did get paid for it but it’s something I really see. That man has a real tortured soul, one of the worst I have ever seen. His inner core is pure chaos.”
“Well, Eddie I really don’t have a choice. My folks are making me see him for his ‘services’, he’s very cheap which appeals to them.”
“Then please, my friend, use your special bumpkin sense around him and use caution.”
’The Maple Chicken’ which I had before.
Eddie is such a good friend. We talked for a bit more about the food business and before I left a customer even came in! The man was actually just looking for a pay phone but Eddie talked him into shelling out the $9.98 for the bra buffet. In the left cup he put some western canned sausages (sprinkling some of the meat bits on top)– the last part was my suggestion. The right cup was filled with the cheesy pasta and he didn’t take up my idea of putting on the gravy. I said the canned gravy is what really makes this buffet special but I guess not everyone wants to follow everything a trophy-winning food critic with my taste profile has to say.
The gentlemen started pushing his luck slightly– asking if any drink was included in the price. Eddie being the man that he is got some tap water and filled up both cups of another bra for him. Halfway through the customer was grumbling about being able to make this at home but that there was something quite ‘erotic’ about it. He asked if Eddie or myself would be putting on any type of show maybe using the other bras somehow. Eddie just shook his head no, the guy said if there was a show attached maybe it would be worth the price and next time he would bring his wife.
Two weirdos for the bra buffet in one week who would of thought!! I wish Eddie continued success in trying to make it in the rough and tumble food trade. If you get a chance please stop and try to support him for either lunch or dinner time dining. Just say you know me and I am sure he will break out the slightly cleaner plastic ware. Until next time dear readers please keep your mouths and minds open to new ideas. Happy Eating!!-Bri
Blood on the Crown
Brian Schropp on Cuisine
I couldn’t believe my luck, me of all people the winner of two FREE passes to ‘Sir Frank’s Medieval Hot Dog Theme Park’!! Since the place opened last year it’s become the hottest attraction around Deep Northern Suburban Lankville. Oh, the tales I have heard coming out of those castle walls! Combining elements of modern renaissance fantasy with delicious innovative hot dog inspired dishes, no wonder it’s a big hit!!
Since I won the passes from work (listening to ‘Kooky’102.9 Lankville’s Home of Good Time Oldies) and using the ‘Pizza-A-Round’s’ telephones (only hung up on a few customers) my manager, Scott said I had to take him.
Now Scott wouldn’t of been my first choice to take. Don’t get me wrong– he’s a OK guy just not what I would call a ‘culinary expert’ per say. He’s more of a ‘puking up nachos in the back of a loose woman’s car at 2AM’ sorta food guy. But here we were beyond the castle walls and dare I say the whole place was wonderful and enchanting!! To be honest I was a little worried about being with Scott at first. He had decided to dress in traditional Deep Eastern Suburban Lankville clothing. “It’s my roots Bri, if some northerner has a problem with it then we can have ‘words’.” Luckily he was already a little drunk and just the charm of the place swept him up and put him in a good humor.
’Sir Frank’s Medieval Hot Dog Theme Park’
I instantly got a ‘Sir Duke’s Weenie’ with extra relish and a “Pointed Frank” stuffed with creamy cheese filling. The tales were so true– these dogs did not disappoint!! Where did they get such top of the line franks from? I also got Scott a few things to keep him happy (my folks made sure I had plenty of cash on me). He particularly enjoyed the ‘Bishop’s Dogetty Wiener’ which was two franks stuffed into one bun.
We walked around the various tents and cardboard facades which were made to look like medieval shops in wonderment. How much medieval hot dog related merchandise could there possibly be? The answer-A LOT!!
I wanted to buy Scott a ‘I’m Goofing Around With A Wiener’ t-shirt but they were out of stock on his size.
“Gotta be a Triple-XL, Bri, I gotta’ have room to move,” he noted.
’Sir Frank’s Medieval Hot Dog Theme Park’
The only dark spot at this point was seeing Hank Cameron, manager of Foodville there with his ‘family’. I haven’t seen my arch nemesis in quite awhile and in fact I still had to legally be so many feet away from him. It was pretty crowded so I figured if I just kept my distance things would be fine.
Scott and I stopped to watch a wonderful group of renaissance singers sing songs about hot dogs. They had drawn quite a crowd with kids dressed in foam knight outfits running about waving foam hot dogs which looked like swords. Such a magical experience to watch unfold.
At this point Scott saw rather two well-endowed bar maids heading over to the more adult drinking area of the theme park. “Well Bri, I’ll catch up with you in a little bit.” So I was left alone to my adventure along the cobble stone streets. It was a little while later (after stopping at the Dog Eat Dog Cafe for lunch) that some goofy guy in a hot dog costume (who seemed to be in a hurry) stopped me.
“Hey you’re Brian that cuisine writer for the paper, right?”
After saying I was he grabbed my wrist and started to drag me along with him. “You’re just in time-there is about to be a huge food unveiling at the main castle!! Some say it’s going to be the grandest medieval hot dog revel of all time. The King and the Queen will even be there!!”
Delightful renaissance singers singing ballads about hot dogs
Having no real time to process what was going on I went with the flow. The ‘main castle’ is usually heavily guarded by the ‘King’s Guard’ (fat guys in yellow t-shirts that say security on the back) but with this goofy guy in the hot dog suit we got in pretty easy.
He led me up and down many steps and then through a courtyard that eventually led back into the castle and we were soon in a glorious ballroom. There were many women and men dressed in their royal finest. The goof introduced me to a few “lads and lasses” as he called them and many knew who I was- I felt like a mini celebrity almost!! Everyone was in a big flutter over this unveiling and were glad I was here to cover it for the paper. Someone even put a jester’s hat on me with little hot dogs dangling off them. It was a big laugh!!
The goofy guy in the hot dog outfit
Soon the grand entrance was upon us, a bunch of guys dressed in appropriate courtyard attire came racing in lining up to blow their horns. The goof in the hot dog suit said loudly “Here comes the King!!” Everyone applauded as ‘The King’ (the owner) and ‘The Queen’ ( I heard it’s usually some woman who he is currently cheating on his wife with) came in waving. The King got up on a podium to speak. He proceeded to make a small speech on how excited he was to see all the donors to the park present and then began talking up the newest food item that would be on their menu. The King proclaimed it would put ‘Sir Frank’s’ on the map for all of Lankville, this was a top secret project known only to his master chef and a few select others. He then swept his arms, “Ladies and Gentlemen I give you—THE CROWN OF FRANKFURTERS!!!!”
The horns started up again and the master chef rolled in a huge table with ‘The Crown Of Frankfurters’ at the center. Everyone of the court (myself included) were just in awe. Our mouths were open but unable to speak. I now knew what it must have felt like at the first board room meeting when they invented ‘Lankville O’s’. The whole ‘crown’ seemed to have an unearthly glow around it almost like if you took a bite the taste would send you straight to eternal happiness.
”I give you–THE CROWN OF FRANKFURTERS!!!”
Out came the ladies who were singing earlier to perform again. It seemed like the joy of the event would not end. Sadly things were about to take a dark turn-the lights went out followed by a blood curdling scream and then mass chaos. I felt myself being bumped into by fleeing royalty in the dark, someone may have took a small wiener or two off my jester’s hat. When the lights were finally turned back on the King’s master chef lay dead on the floor with a knife in his back and ‘The Crown Of Frankfurters’ was gone!! How could this have happened? Who would do such a thing? Next week I will give you the chilling details. Until then keep your mind and mouth open to new ideas, Happy Eating- Bri!!
Odds and Ends by Brian Schropp
Brian Schropp on Cuisine
After the events surrounding the pizza delivery to President Pondicherry (please see my last two thrilling articles), there is both good and bad news. The good being that the President was very pleased to hear about our fast professional service of bringing the ‘Mid Morning Snack Pizza’ to the three presidential dogs (all named Mr. Peepers). Unfortunately, he also decided to name the ‘Pizza-A-Round’ the best place to get your pets a pizza. Which believe me– any endorsement from Pondicherry is great but this isn’t actually what Scott was hoping for. I went hard to work in trying to come up with a few ideas to capitalize off this and try to keep my manager’s spirits up (otherwise bloodshed was sure to follow). My efforts are turning out to be a bit of a struggle. I had to use a bit of my own money to purchase a can of dog food (had no choice but to let Chet Cameron pick it up from Foodville since they had it the cheapest) which I then put on your basic cheese pizza to run through the oven. The results were pretty disastrous. After airing out the place and calling an ambulance (some guests in our dining area said they were feeling ‘sick’ because of the smell) Scott told me if I pulled something like that again it would be ‘end days’ for me.
My manager Scott relaxing at home.
Honestly, I’m not too worried about it, I know he is just frustrated by the whole ordeal. The other day we had a customer come in and ask innocently enough if we carried actual dog food now since the “Lankville Pet Palace” was closed. Without listening to reason Scott jumped the counter and chased after the guy. A little while later after Scott came back some of us at the pizza shop tried to ask what happened but he was silent on the matter. So please if you were that customer can you please contact me via the paper so I know you are OK?
In other exciting news my friend, Trucker Joe told me about a new exciting tattoo trend at his favorite hangout “The Deep Northern Suburban Lankville Trucker’s Pool and Spa Association” and that tattoo is of me!!!
The now trendy BSS tattoo.
“They have really taken a shine to you there,” Trucker Joe was telling me as we both lounged in tubs at ‘Subs ‘N’ Suds yesterday. “I think it looks pretty cool. One guy, Carl has it on his bicep just above his ‘I heart Mom’ tattoo. Carl looks mean on the outside, inside he is just a big softie. He was telling me with a slight tear in his eye how much he liked talking to you about food, said it reminded him of talking to his Granddad about breakfast sandwiches on the front porch swing as a kid. Now he says his Granddad just haunts him in his dreams. I think he might of knifed him as a teenager over some sort of trucker’s dispute. Anyways, “Sassy Molly’ got one too, pretty sure she has a thing for you– always saying how ‘cute and chubby’ you are. You might be able to see it for free but she’s got it in a spot other truckers have to pay to see.”
I’m glad Trucker Joe was able to pull some strings at the tattoo parlor so I could share it with you.
I find it a great honor and one I do not take lightly. I feel a strong kinship with all the male and female truckers of Lankville– their sense of the open wonder of the road, our same fear of Highway 71 (also known as ‘The Badlands’) and most importantly our wonderful huge appetites. Keep on truckin’ my friends!!
And lastly, I have been receiving many letters through the paper about sharing some of my ‘cutting edge’ culinary recipes I work on at home. So here is one of my more recent creations– ‘Lankville O’s Gelatin Dinner Time Surprise’. Ingredients you will need- one can of ‘Lankville O’s’, one prepackaged box of gelatin (any flavor would do, I prefer the red or green stuff), prepackaged tomato bits, any other vegetable or meat scraps you might think will work (I have found both ham and scrapple work very well), a couple big cups of sugar and an extra canned processed tomato sauce.
The very delightful ‘Lankville O’s Gelatin Dinner Time Surprise’
Now take a baking pan placing the gelatin, Lankville O’s, tomato bits, all your scraps of meat, veggies, couple of big cups of sugar, and then mixing it all together into a big ‘ball shape’. The gelatin should act as a sticking agent holding it tight– if you feel it does not have enough ‘form’ I would recommend adding a half can of thick mayonnaise or even a little bit of non-toxic glue or paste. After your ball shape is formed you add on the extra processed tomato sauce then salt and pepper to taste. Now, cooking times will vary depending on what you put in it, I have found microwaving this IS NOT AN OPTION (sorry mom will be buying you a new microwave with next paycheck). I would say use a slow heating time to let all those flavors work in together, once you see the top and edges start to brown it will be done shortly. After letting it cool down please dig in and enjoy!! I found the sweet and savory taste to be very pleasant almost like a dinner and dessert all in one course!! Another option you might want to try is going for more of the dessert side and adding marshmallows with some caramel sauce on top. However you wish to make this stunning culinary idea your know I only wish simply that it’s enjoyed!
Until next time dear reader, keep your mouth and mind open to new ideas, Happy Eating-Bri
Pizza for Pondicherry, Part II
Brian Schropp on Cuisine
The minutes were counting down to the most important pizza the ‘Pizza-A-Round’ would ever make. You could start to see the crust coming through the pizza oven and in turn men’s hearts beating faster. The other components for the’ Mid Morning Snack Pizza’ needed to be in place.
“Where the hell are the nuggets Charlie?!!” my manager, Scott asked not so nicely while cleaning the actual pizza box it was going in. Everything had to be pristine since this was going to President Pondicherry himself, nothing less would do.
“In the fryer now,” Charlie the nugget guy yelled over. “You said you wanted them as crisp as possible so I waited to the last minute. Don’t worry they will be done.” Scott probably wouldn’t trust anyone else saying that. But Charlie the Nugget Guy was a seasoned veteran– he knew what he was doing.
“Burgers and fries– someone tell me about them!!” Scott was using the cleanest pizza rag possible to clean the edges of the box.
Chet Cameron, one of the best.
Al Slappy was in charge of those– maybe not the best guy under pressure. “I-I forgot the ketchup on the cheeseburgers– gotta open up the buns to put it on!!” We all know that’s a dicey situation– the bun could be damaged with the melting cheese sticking to the burger.
Scott gave a sideways glance which would make the hardest of men’s heart stop. “You better pray to whatever God you do that you don’t fuck this up. Lou get over there and help him, make sure the buns are ok and the fries are going to be ready.”
‘Two Toe’ Lou was another veteran who should of been doing it in the first place. He had only two toes from the multiple times fryer oil fell on his feet, that’s how long he has been in the game.
The pizza was a quarter way out of the oven, so far looking good. The best person on the line and probably one of the best of all time, Chet Cameron (nephew of Hank Cameron, manager of Foodville) slapped the dough out and sauced it.
‘Big’ James who is in charge of the nachos ran up with a paper cup that was full to the brim cheese. “Got this ready Scott!!”
“There is no motherlovin’ nacho cheese on this pizza!” Scott smacked the cup right out of ‘Big’ James’s hands causing the boiling hot cheese to splatter into the large man’s face. He ran off screaming, some were really losing it under the pressure.
I was back by this time– cleaned up as best as I could. Not only did this pizza have to be perfect but we needed to get there ridiculously fast. There were no drivers who were going to make it back in time so I was going to have to run it. Yes, it was an impossible task but we had no other choice.
My manager Scott relaxing at home.
Scott grabbed my shoulders and looked me up and down. “Guess it will do,” he kept muttering under his breath. Then he yelled, “Melvin bring over one of the CBs and some duct tape!”
“Why?”
“JUST DO IT!!!” Most of us who worked at the Pizza-A-Round had the feeling thatour new assistant manager, Melvin wasn’t going to make it through the night.
Scott took the CB and the duct tape and strapped the unit around my chest and the receiver around my ear. “You won’t be able to respond this is just for me to yell at you in hopes that it will help.”
The pizza was coming out of the oven, Scott raced back over and grabbed the oven peel. With the skill of a true pizza veteran he scooped it out perfectly and placed it squarely in the box. There was some light applause but Scott didn’t have any time for that. “Nuggets now!!”
Charlie the nugget guy was over with two huge oven mits holding the deep fryer net, the nuggets were still sizzling when they hit the pizza.
“Burgers and fries!! Burgers and fries!!”
Al Slappy brought the fries over the same way, then ran back and got two cheeseburgers. He handed them to Scott.
“I needed three cheeseburgers!! Pondicherry ordered an extra freakin’ one!!!” It was almost an inhuman yell.
‘Two Toe’ Lou limped past Al with a third cheeseburger. He had quickly realized the mistake and rushed to make another one. Somehow during this process he lost another toe which we could clearly see (for some reason Lou only wore beach sandals which could of been half the problem). Right now that couldn’t be the top concern. With everything on the pizza itself the box was closed immediately to keep it at its hottest. The box was placed in my hands.
No words were exchanged between Scott and I–his eyes told the whole story. I also knew there would be plenty of yelling coming my way through the CB taped to my ear. Without missing a beat Scott moved to the front door shoving customers out of the way while I followed closely on his heels. I wished that annoying girl and her boyfriend were coming in right now instead of a few minutes earlier, I would have LOVED to see those two get knocked down.
The Mid-Morning Snack Pizza which retails for $29.95
As fate would have it I could see both of them laughing at me from the front window of the dining area when I was out on the sidewalk. I didn’t have much time to process it with Scott’s foot hitting my backside. “Run!!”
I started with a light jog since this wasn’t usually my thing but with Scott yelling at me from behind I was worried he would simply shoot me and try running it himself. I was in a full run (sweat already dripping from under my ‘Pizza-A-Round’ cap) by the time my booty was out of the parking lot and onto the road.
It was of course the evening rush hour and the roads were super super crazy. Things were made even more difficult with me sticking to the actual road and not the sidewalks in hopes of taking the most direct route possible. Cars were swerving out of the way, honking their horns, shaking their fists, even spitting at me. I kept yelling “Presidential pizza delivery!!” at the top of my lungs while the sweat poured down my face in hopes that would help. No luck, I think the drivers just couldn’t hear me. It also didn’t help matters with Scott yelling in my ear telling me to “hurry up” and “move my big ass faster”. I knew he didn’t mean most of the hateful things he would say over the CB, in fact we are actually pretty good friends, he was just stressed out.
A small ray of hope came when my former therapist, Dr.Nickelbee came driving slowly up behind in his electric car causing a traffic mess of his own. He rolled down his window. “Bri I need to talk with you.”
“Not now can’t you see I am making a Presidential pizza delivery?” I replied between heavy breaths.
“It’s important. We can talk while I drive you.” What choice did I have?
He pulled the little car over and I got in. As always, he put his hand on my knee right away. “Listen, I need to apologize to you about the way I acted the other day during our session.” (Please see my article from a few weeks ago for the details). “It was so wrong for me to lose it like that.”
“It’s OK, no worries, can you just drive now? I need to make this delivery.” The screaming in my ear wouldn’t let me forget.
Dr. Nickelbee paused for a second before collapsing into a full crying breakdown– banging his head against the steering wheel. “I just don’t want to lose you as a patient.”
“We need to go!” I could the feel the pizza losing its warmth from the box which was on my lap.
“I need you to tell me I can be your therapist again.”
“JUST DRIVE!”
“JUST SAY IT!!”
“Yes-yes now drive!”
Dr. Nickelbee– what is his problem?
With that we were off with Dr. Nickelbee still sobbing. His electric car is very slow and soon I realized it was probably quicker with me running again. It really didn’t matter– a few blocks later the car came to a stop, I guess the battery had died. He got out still sobbing, banging his fists up and down on the hood of the car. I couldn’t stop to deal with this. I was out of the car and on my way again leaving him to deal with the angry commuters he was holding up.
It was then that the problem of super squirrels came into play. Once they smelled the delicious aroma of the ‘Mid Morning Snack’ goodness and sensed that I was alone they were on my tail. I eventually had to raise the pizza above my head in an attempt to keep it safely intact. I kept shooing them off as best as I could without stopping. The only good thing to come out of the situation was when one of the squirrels bit through the CB wire, stopping the yelling in my ear.
When I finally made it to the presidential grounds the sun was starting to set and I knew I was far too late. And I knew that the ‘Pizza-A-Round’ would be going down in flames like the many others who attempted a quick delivery to our chief executive.
I slowly walked up to the guard booth where I was warmly greeted by the person on duty. He had gratefully shot at the super squirrels chasing them away when he saw me coming. “Say there son you sure are a big stinky sweaty mess.”
I handed over the box mumbling about trying to get there as quick as possible and if there was anybody to blame it was Dr. Nickelbee holding the whole thing up and he should go to prison. Then a desperate plea not to shut down my place of work.
When he realized what I was talking about the guard started to chuckle. “Say son, this pizza isn’t for the President, do you think he would eat crap like this?” The guard whistled and Pondicherry’s three dogs (all named Mr. Peepers} came running out. The guard open the box and then put it on the ground so the dogs could go to town on it. “He ordered this for these lovable mutts before vanishing into one of his underground bunkers for the night. There was no hurry in bringing it– hell, it could been another hour if need be.”
That dear readers is just another crazy night in the pizza trade. Until next time, please keep your mind and mouth open to new ideas. Happy eating- Bri
Pizza for Pondicherry, Part I
Brian Schropp on Cuisine
It was late afternoon at the ‘Pizza-A-Round’ when I heard the commotion up front. It sounded even more intense than the usual ‘beginning of the early dinner’ rush so I left my ‘managerial sink’ to investigate. The focal point of this chaos was front and center in the phone area. My manager, Scott and the new assistant manager (we go through assistant managers very quickly), Melvin were fluttering all over the place screaming and yelling. This in turn was sending the phone staff into complete nervous wrecks.
“Get Sharkie on the CB and see if he’s made that delivery to Deep Eastern Lankville yet!!” Scott yelled to Melvin.
My manager Scott relaxing at home.
We use what Scott calls an ‘advance’ CB system system with our drivers to ensure speedy deliveries. The central giant CB is located right outside of Scott’s office next to the phones. Melvin put on the headset and flicked a few of the giant switches. “Pizza Break 5-Pizza Break 5 this is home base-over-can you give me a locale on your delivery-over-” After a moment Melvin shook his head. “He’s caught up in traffic on the East Side, will be about another 20 minutes before he even makes it to the actual delivery.”
“Well he’s going to be caught up in a lot more when he gets back.” We knew from the expression on Scott’s face that this could be Sharkie’s last night on this planet.
Scott saw me looking on and his face lightened a little. “Guess what, Bri? Someone big just ordered one of your ‘Mid Morning Snack Pizzas’ with an extra cheeseburger. I’m not talking big like ‘Big’ James who runs the nacho station, I mean big in name. None other than President Pondicherry himself!”
I was taken aback for a moment. “Wow!! If he likes it and word starts to get around–”
“Big things Bri, very big things. HUGE THINGS. Ever thought this place could have it’s own private jet? Might be a reality if—”
The Mid-Morning Snack Pizza which retails for $29.95
The downside hit me all at once and I knew the need for panic. I finished the sentence “—we can get it there quickly.”
There is a long history of President Pondicherry ordering from pizza places, then the place failing to get it there ‘fast enough’. Some of the best of the best– ‘Crust-A-Must’, ‘Three Fat Guys And One Skinny Guy Pizzeria’, and ‘Elbows Deep in Sauce’ crumbled after not making the cut. Sure they were fast but no 15 or 30 minute guarantee is good enough for the President. If he wants a pizza he wants it that second.
“Can someone from the line give me an ETA on the pie?!! I need someone on the fries and cheeseburgers in a few. Where is Charlie the nugget guy? I want those nuggets CRISP!!!” A slight sweat was forming on Scott’s brow.
Outside of the “Pizza Eggwich” this particular pizza is the most complicated to make. Each section, the cheeseburgers, the fries, the nuggets are like a piece of the overall puzzle with each part to be done at the correct moment to ensure the best result. And we needed this one to be the best ever!!
“Melvin, see who else is on the road and can be here in three minutes. I want this out the door after dropping it in the box.” Melvin called around on the central CB and soon looked at Scott just shaking his head. I knew Melvin was going to be a goner before too long.
Scott looked directly at me. “Bri, you’re going to need to run this one.” For a moment all commotion stopped in the “Pizza-A-Round”. The only sound was a pizza cutter hitting the floor.
“But-but Scott the Presidential House is clear across town!!”
My most important customer ever?
“We have no choice in the matter. By the time any of these drivers came back and got back out on the road it will be way too late. I know the pizza will be heavy, I know it’s going to weigh you down some. But don’t worry– just stick to the main highways and weave in and out of traffic. People might slow down if you keep yelling that you’re making a Presidential pizza delivery but they would need to hear you so it’s unlikely. Not with that soft, gentle voice of yours.”
I started to complain and whine but it was no use. I knew Scott well enough that the look in his eyes meant there was no alternative.
“Go get yourself cleaned up, you’re a soppy wet mess. You have two minutes before it’s ready.”
I stumbled off mentally preparing myself when I noticed that the annoying girl who is in here all the time with her boyfriend was waiting to be seated (we have a small ‘dining area’ in a room right off the entrance). I grabbed two menus and led them to a table. With all that was happening I sorta mumbled that someone would be with them in a moment and started to walk off accidentally hitting the side of another table with my leg. The girl giggled (she never says anything) and then her boyfriend whispered something in her ear which made her laugh out loud. I had no time for this– I was moments away from beginning the run of my lifetime. A run that could make or break me.
Please join me gentle readers for my next article where I will give you the thrilling details about delivering a pizza to our very own President. Until then keep your mind and mouths open to new ideas. Happy Eating!!-Bri
ACCOMMODATIONS
When staying in the Area Beyond the Outlands, pick the Murray. Friendly, creative staff, delightful beds, curtains. Phone Far Outlands 5-6712.
LANKVILLE DAILY NEWS: IN BOOK FORM!
The book is gone. It will never return. We hear stories but they are likely false. We live in the woods now. We make fire with a lighter that we found in the street. It was crushed by a truck but, somehow, perhaps through some intervention that is beyond us, it still works. We are waiting. We are waiting.
Original Pondicherry Association News promotional advertisement (2009)
TONIGHT ON TV! RICHARD AND THE POSTMAN REUNION SPECIAL!
The Hit program from the 1970's returns to Lankville TV tonight on LBC!
ADULT ADVERTISEMENT
Women all over Lankville are just sitting at mammoth computers waiting to hear from men like you! Just insert a floppy disk, write a (non-sexual) message and let the sparks fly! (Computer not included).
ADVERTISEMENT
A Vitiello Decorative Ham makes a great gift. Show that you care today.
BANDED DUFFELS ON PALLETS
Assorted colors. Whatever you want to do, man. Call Lankville Falls, 3247.
BRIAN SCHROPP IN THE LANKVILLE DAILY NEWS
The most important cuisine articles ever written.
CANDY
Jipps Co. Full Service Candy Counter! Our alert girls will push gummy drops into special paper sheaths, engage in restrained pleasantries and explain chocholate-to-nougat ratios. Call Central Lankville 3614.
CAT PHOTO
In compliance with Lankville subsection 11:16-4.
CHAMBERS CO. HAND DRILLS: When Electricity is Not an Option
When electricity is not an option consider the Chambers Company hand crank drills. Perfect for use in tight spaces, on distant islands or for drilling holes in fences to see TITS. Call 4-2309.
EMPLOYMENT
Big Ed's BBQ Shack is looking for a part-time waitress. Someone who doesn't nose around and ask a lot of difficult questions. Call Lankville Rougher Area, 5-2100.
EMPLOYMENT
Nuts, Ah! is looking for an experienced nut-handler. Experience with bagging nuts also important. If you break the nut sack, the nuts will drop onto the floor. Come in person for application to Twin Removed Pines Mall. NO CALLS.
FOX FOR PARTIES
Hire the Poetry Fox for Your Child's Next Party. Reasonable rates. Writes poems, dances, will not stand for any shenanigans. Call South Lankville 2009.
The funny stories of Dick Oakes, Jr. have thrilled millions. Look for them today in The Lankville Daily News!
GELSINGER’S ALLURE CLUB
Topless, bottomless wonderland. Mysterious back rooms. Carpeted entirely in astroturf. NO CALLS.
GREBOV BROTHERS TELESCOPE COMPANY
The Grebov Brothers are Lankville's finest purveyor of telescopes for astronomy enthusiasts. Substantial 4.5" apertures and fast f/4 focal ratios provide bright, detailed views of solar system targets like the Moon and planets, as well as wide-field celestial objects like nebulas and star clusters but also TITS.
GUMP PENETRATES
Only in The Lankville Daily News
HADBAWNIK HAUNTED STAIRCASE COMPANY
The Hadbawnik Company is Lankville's #1 installer of haunted, brush-littered staircases. Friendly non-foreign staff! Call Western (Outer) Lankville, 2154 or 2198 today.
HADBAWNIK HAUNTED BRUSH PILES!
The Hadbawnik Haunted Staircase Company is now offering haunted brush piles for use on your staircase. Create eerie, supernal ambiance. Allow the brush to blow haphazardly in the wind, creates fear, foreboding. Call our friendly staff of white people at Western Lankville, 2154. Brush piles may contain other forms of yard debris.
HEY! WANT A MONKEY?
Hey! Want a live little monkey? They do cute things like climb into pumpkins. Call "The Captain"- Central Lankville Hills, 5264.
HOME DUMP Your Neighborhood Hardware Store 16 Lankville Locations!
Weekly Special: Primitive Forged Hooks. Buy 4, Get a Can of Paint. Or Maybe Not. You'll Just Have to Find Out.
INFLAMED BY STARS AND BLOOD
Lankville's Premier Science Fiction and Horror Magazine Now Appearing in The Lankville Daily News!
JOHNNY PADRES, OPTICIAN
Lankville has been relying on Dr. Johnny Padres for their optical needs since 1973. We offer a full service family eye care center and provide examinations for glasses and contacts and have a large display of designer, traditional and innovative eyewear for both regular prescription eyeglasses and sunglasses all of which will enable you to see TITS better. Call Lankville Business 2618-2.
LIFE LESSONS FUNERAL HOME
Life Lessons Funeral Home has been helping Lankville with dead people since 1932. Contact Eddie or Stummins, Lankville Business, 5-2161.
LOOK AT THESE BEAUTIES!
Really some of our best ever! Have you ever seen anything like it? Call Kelly (male) at Lankville Sound 2615.
MISSING
Missing: adult penguin. Christ, I just let him out in the yard for one minute and now he's gone. Responds to the name "Richard". Call Lankville Eastern Outlands, 5-6213.
NOW PLAYING!
The Unhinged: A New Film by Tom "Vapor" Rayford. Crisp Street Cinema, Eastern Lankville
PINEAPPLE CITY: A New Way of Being
Pineapple City is a new way of being, feeling and having your shirt off. Located in the distant, barren Lankville Pines, Pineapple City is now accepting applications for sheds. Call PINES, 2-5771.
THE PUZZLER
In the pie chart above, what segment represents a certain specific strata of the general population?
REAL ESTATE
Little shed for sale. With door, mailbox, dirt plot. Site of multiple murders but don't worry, they happened around back. To inquire, come to the shed. Go around back.
REAL ESTATE
Four acre lot in Eastern Lankville Cove Area. Price reduced! Site of a fireworks display in which several people fell out of their lawnchairs and died. Locals believe it haunted but that's crap. Call Cove 2751.
THE RECKONER EXACTRA 2.0 : A Danny Madison Product
It's Your Time: CALCULATE
SARAH SAMWAYS: CONTRIBUTING FEMALE
Exclusively in the Lankville Daily News (and some other papers).
SPEAKING ENGAGEMENT
Robin Brox will sit around and get progressively more intoxicated while listening to this other broad natter on about something. LANKVILLE REGIONAL AUDITORIUM, August 4, 11PM.
SPEAKING ENGAGEMENT CANCELED
The Dr. M. Chambers speech and candy-making event has been canceled again following Dr. Chambers' sudden collapse into some baskets. New date TBA
TRAVEL TIPS by Randy Hammers
The Kum Back Inn in the Lankville Desert Area has long been serving road-weary travelers. They feature a restaurant (with cocktails) and two spacious conference rooms. The Kum Back boasts 65 units-- each including window dressing, some chairs and a larger chair (seats two smallish children), a bed with orange comforter, a plastic trash can, clever paintings, and a windowless door. TV also available in 17 (sometimes 19) rooms. Most of the rooms are air-conditioned. Oscillating fans available upon request. Illuminated carports will protect your vehicle from the vicious sudden dust storms that often overtake the Desert Area and the wild thieves that occasionally parade across the landscape like some unmentionable horror. Call now at TU-0780 and ask for Bud or Karen (married).
UTILITY YARD SHEDS
The Lowinger Brothers offer great utility yard sheds at low prices. This one is haunted. Call Lankville Port Area 1072.
VACATION PACKAGES!
Spectacular vacations in campers by little mountains. Your cares will melt away but you will have to be careful of that shack (pictured). A lunatic lives there. Call Mercantile District 2711.
WRESTLING TONIGHT!
8PM, Southern Lankville Man-Arena. Featuring Ric "Wild Boy" Tipps (green trunks).
ZACH KEEBAUGH INVESTIGATIONS
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LETTER SACK