The Lankville Daily News

By Salty Cubbes                    The Lankville Action News: YES! Team
Sedentary Reporter

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President Albert C. Pondicherry, Jr. has been hospitalized after an incident which occurred early this morning at the Presidential Palace.  He is expected to fully recover.

Around 4 AM, Pondicherry was discovered by his man-servant, attempting to emerge from a mountain of girly pillows which had somehow engulfed his bed, creating a dark abyss that nearly suffocated the executive.  “The man-servant assured us that he had never seen the pillows before,” said Detective Gee-Temple, who responded to the scene.  “Further, we were assured that they were not part of the Presidential pillow collection and they were, frankly, not the type of pillows that were suitable for an older, unattractive bachelor,” added Gee-Temple.

Interviews were conducted at the Palace and while five servants were executed as a precaution, it is not believed that the incident was orchestrated by anyone within the Presidential coterie.

Pondicherry is expected to be released today.

By Larry “God” Peters         The Lankville Action News: YES! Team
Far-Flung Areas Correspondent

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Just one day after announcing his foray into the icynene spray-foam business, incarcerated executive Ric Royer has also gone public with his intent to open eight pretzel kiosks by 2015.

“We have an excess of blank snack spaces in Lankville,” explained Royer in an interview held beside his new van.  “It occurred to me that the ideal thing would be to go ahead and open the kiosks.  I’ve always liked pretzels.”

The kiosks will be placed outside of key Pondicherry Association arenas and will also vend nachos, cottons [sic] candies and frosted nuts.

“I bought the supplies today,” said Royer, who asked to be quoted using his “magical name” which he then forgot to provide.  “I opted for the 18×18 “Simplex” Humidified Pretzel Warmer.  You should see this beautiful specimen.  Holds over 40 jumbo pretzels, 120 volts of raw power lights the interior, hand-rubbed stainless steel exterior, cap tube thermometer.  It’s an absolute wonder.”

“Some people will tell you that you get can away with Sterno,” added Royer.  “That’s a canard.  The humidified display case is far superior to a non-humidified unit because the humidity keeps the pretzel soft, warm and yielding– fresh for the longest period of time.  The texture will be greater and the electronic controls will allow for mistake-free operation as I know that I’ll probably be employing a lot of monstrous island immigrants as employees.  The controls will be my fail-safe.”

Royer also purchased several “Pralinators”, a device that cooks frosted nuts.  “I went with the 12 volt,” continued Royer.  “OK, here, we’re talking six pounds of product per hour.  Stainless steel frame exterior, additional hookups for automatic frosters.  A gorgeous mechanism.”

“I can’t wait to get started,” Royer added, following a long, eerie silence.

By Hugh G. Pickens   The Lankville Action News: YES! Team
Crime Beat Reporter

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Semi-portable electronic typing machine magnate Fick has been committed to an insane asylum, sources are now confirming.

“We responded after we finished our lunch to a call for a man in distress,” stated Detective Gee-Temple.  “Upon our arrival at the scene, we found Fick wandering pantsless around a coppice.  We screamed at him for awhile but it didn’t seem to help, so we took him in.”

It was unclear at press time where Fick was institutionalized.   Calls placed to his gloomy heath mansion were answered by a loud halfwit.

By Larry “God” Peters   The Lankville Action News YES! Team
Far-Flung Areas Correspondent

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Incarcerated executive and businessman Ric Royer announced today that he will open an Icynene Foam Installation Business next month.

Royer, who gave a brief press conference while crouching in front of a basket of magazines, stated that the business will be called “Sprayboys”.

“It has been my desire to assist the people of Lankville with spraying foam all over their houses,” noted Royer, who was dressed in a bathrobe, bathing suit and knee-high socks.  “Icynene foams [sic] is the way of the future.  It maximizes efficiency, allows for moisture control and can be spewed and blasted all over the place,” Royer added.

Icynene foam is a spray-on form of insulation commonly used in homes and businesses.  Its history is unknown.  “It just appeared one day, like things sometimes do,” stated Lankville historian Rufus Potts.  “It’s as though it was a gift from a benevolent God who wanted things better insulated,” added Potts, who collapsed shortly thereafter in the back of a dimly-lit burrito restaurant.

Royer expects “Sprayboys” to begin business for the upcoming winter.

By Hugh G. Pickens    The Lankville Action News: YES! Team
Crime Beat Reporter

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Pondicherry Association News reporter Tito Presentation is dead.  The journalist was 46.

“Mr. Presentation was killed in a challenge,” noted Detective Gee-Temple, who responded to the death scene.  “We are seeing more and more of these challenges and although we know little about them or why they occur, we intend to get to the bottom of the matter.”

“The challenge came early this morning,” said Presentation’s girlfriend Nikki, who was judged to be very stupid but with Grade-A tits.  “Tito went out to the field and that’s where the challenge occurred.  I didn’t see anything but the waving of the tall grasses and the darkening of the skies.  I knew then.”

When asked who or what challenged Presentation, Nikki threw her arms in the air accentuating her cuddly, mound-like protuberances.  “These challenges are just a complete mystery,” she added.

“It’s definitely a scourge and it’s getting worse,” said Detective Gee-Temple.  “They [the challenges] also yield few, if any clues other than a body.  Even the markings on the corpse are confusing– everything is absolutely unclear.”

Gee-Temple paused to sign some papers on a clipboard and study a small wooden storage box for crafts that was offered for sale.

“I thought my wife might like it.  But the condition is poor,” he said to no one in particular.

Tito Presentation had been reporting on life in Lankville since 1998.

By Dick Oakes, Jr.
Senior Staff Writer

Senior Staff Writer

Veteran Lankville political commentator Buckets Dundee has died.  He was 51.

“I came home and I could feel that death had permeated, that death had visited,” said Dundee’s wife Leslie, a pretty blonde with better than average tits and a reasonably firm, white ass.  “I called out, Death? and then Buckets? as though I expected both to answer.  But neither did.”

The cause of Dundee’s death is unknown.

A small, restrained service was planned and then immediately cancelled.

By Dick Oakes, Jr.
Senior Staff Writer

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Incarcerated Terrifying Bat GM Ric Royer ate a cake in his new van, sources are now confirming.

The van and the cake were transported to the Foontz-Flonnaise Home of Abundant Senselessness some time today around noon and the executive was permitted to sit inside his new purchase for nearly an hour.

“We felt it would be alright, that it would be good for his morale,” stated Warden Jenness, who brokered the deal.  “He was not allowed  access to the keys but he did repeatedly engage the loud novelty horn and move the seats back and forth.”

Royer began eating the cake around 12:30 LST.

“They had me bring the cake over,” said baker Tony Mirabelli, who operates Mirabelli’s Stiff Pastries in Eastern Lankville.  “This fellow grabbed it and gave me a look like I had stolen it from him.  Then, real quick, he kicked me about four times straight in the face.  Knocked me clean out.”

Witnesses stated that Royer hoisted the cake over his head and then overturned the box.

“Some portions of the cake made it into his mouth but most of it just separated into individual slices and fell all over the place,” noted Warden Jenness.  “The cake had all these sprinkles on the outer rim too and it just made one hell of a mess.  He [Royer] collected all the pieces off the floor, put them in the box and then did the same exact thing.  He repeated this about 30 times, meanwhile blowing that loud novelty horn constantly.  Finally, he fell asleep.

Mirabelli was later revived and then suddenly died.  No charges were filed against Royer.

By Hugh G. Pickens
Crime Beat Reporter

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Lankville police are currently investigating the reappearance of the notorious murderer and former Association club owner Dr. Pennies, sources have confirmed.  Dr. Pennies was recently hired by the Pondicherry Association News to pen a new column.

“We are looking into this,” stated Detective Gee-Temple at an early morning press conference held in a windy field.  “There are some similarities– both individuals are over seven feet tall and completely hairless but Pennies is a rather common last name and we really cannot jump to any conclusions at this point.”

The wanted Dr. Pennies disappeared shortly after the conclusion of the 2010 season.  He is believed to have killed thousands.

“I really felt that he had died because we didn’t find him,” added Gee-Temple, whose coat suddenly blew off.   “We looked in a lot of places too.  We scoured his house, for example.”

Reporter Pennies could not be reached for comment.  The address field on his Association News contract was left blank.

“He has a locker and he used the microwave in the canteen yesterday,” noted fellow reporter Grady Kitchens.  “He cooked a lasagna at incredible temperatures for long periods until it finally exploded.  I felt that he was trying to tell us something. Then he walked quietly away.  That was the last I saw of him.”

A new article from Dr. Pennies is expected tomorrow.

By Salty Cubbes
Sedentary Reporter

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A bearded trickster today visited incarcerated Terrifying Bat GM The Great President of Hell (formerly Ric Royer) in the dining hall of the Foontz-Flonnaise Home of Abundant Senselessness.

“He was initially a most buoyant specimen,” noted The Great President of Hell, who was visibly shaken by the strange visit.  “He came hurdling through an open window wearing an unusual but pleasant outfit.  He then began performing a series of wonderful illusions whilst all the while maintaining a warm and engaging smile.  Upon the conclusion of the initial part of his visit, he emitted a hearty, gleeful laugh that left all of us in joyful spirits.”

According to witnesses, the tenor of the trickster’s visit suddenly took a dramatic turn for the worse.

“His face went from a look of unconditional grandfatherly love to one of ungodly malevolence– a type of beastly madness unlike anything I have ever viewed,” noted The Great President of Hell.

Witnesses claim that the trickster destroyed the dining hall within minutes.

“The level of violence was uncanny,” stated Warden Jenness, who managed to escape the carnage.  “It was the end.  I’ll always know now what the end is.”

The trickster disappeared shortly thereafter.

“He did leave candy in sacks before all of our cells,” noted The Great President of Hell.  “But that only slightly eases the pain for many of us though I know it pacified me to a very large extent.”

Police are currently searching for the bearded trickster.