Archive
Gump Penetrates
By Gump Tibbs
It’s time for another penetrating interview with Gump Tibbs. Today, Gump interviews contributing female Sarah Samways.
GT: So, you have that little area in the paper where you are a female who contributes?
SS: Yes, I started out covering the economics/business section but it quickly grew into other things like interviewing old ladies in the middle of nowhere who would push me into empty pickle barrels. It’s been quite the rush!
GT: Absolutely fascinating! Do you often contribute?
Samways in the Snow. It’s been snowing a lot.
SS: I contribute as much as possible. If I’m not eating, sleeping, or wrestling with condiments, I’m contributing. Lankville is an interesting place with lots of people begging for their stories to be told. It’s a journalistic endeavor that I’m proud to be a part of.
GT: Wait, they beg?
SS: Actually, they kind of demand it. People often see my press badge and will come up to me on the street and they won’t stop talking until I promise to write something about them. Lankville’s citizens aren’t shy in the least.
GT: (laughs) They really aren’t! What other things do you contribute to?
SS: Right now I maintain a digital workstation at SARAHSAMWAYS.COM where I take a break from the hard-hitting news that Lankville provides, and focus on sad-girl-poetry. Ya know, it’s something to do.
GT: Really terrific! You won a trophy a few months back. How did that feel?
SS: Amazing! I really wasn’t expecting it. I mean, now I always have a speech prepared wherever I go just in case hell freezes over again. But really, it was super fantastic!
GT: Just fabulous! You have a lot of wonderful adventures. Do you want to go fire guns into some old cars at the dump?
SS: It would be an honor!
Tibbs and Samways ran off and the interview was ended prematurely.
New Evidence Emerging on Disappearance of Plantains’ Meyer
By Brock Belvedere, Jr.
Senior Staff Writer
File Photo
New evidence is slowly emerging on the disappearance of former hockey club owner and fried plantain magnate Shane Meyer, sources are now confirming. Meyer was presumed killed in a tire-house fire last August.
“We have some new juicy morsels of an interesting nature,” noted Detective Gee-Temple, currently in charge of the case. “Some family photographs have emerged and we discovered a previously unknown sister who has revealed some luscious tidbits. So, we feel confident that a conclusion will be forthcoming.”
Gee-Temple would not elaborate, however Meyer’s sister, speaking under condition of anonymity, consented to a brief interview with The Pondicherry Association News.
Meyer family, 1982. Shane is pictured second from right.
BB: Tell us a little about yourself.
S: You Know the apartments?
BB: Oh, yes, of course.
S: Yeah, I manage them.
BB: So, can you tell us anything about Shane’s disappearance?
S: Shane and I don’t have a lot of contact. He disapproves of my lifestyle with the apartments and I disapprove of plantains. Nevertheless, I got an unsigned letter about a month ago that appeared to be in his handwriting.
BB: What did it say?
S: It just said some nasty things about the apartments. I knew then that it was Shane.
BB: Do you think he faked his death?
S: Maybe. You’ll have to wait to hear what Geez-Temples [sic] says.
BB: What does Aunt Pam think? Everybody really wants to know what’s going on with Aunt Pam. (Belvedere began gyrating lewdly).
S: Aunt Pam disapproves of the apartments. And I disapprove of her craft-stuffed home. We don’t speak.
BB: You tell Aunt Pam that I have no problem crafting it up. Any time, any place. Hell, I’ll craft it up in a pile of garbage if Aunt Pam’s there.
S: Alright.
The interview suddenly became disorganized and succumbed under a vast, unmentionable pressure.
An Interview with Ric Royer
Brock Belvedere had a chance to sit down with Ric Royer at the Foontz-Flonnaise Home of Abundant Senselessness.
BB: Now that the hockey season will be underway, do you think you will leave the Home?
RR: It’s been a rigid, terrific hiatus. God Bless Us.
BB: You’ve always attended the draft. Will you do so this year?
RR: There are a number of unbelievable behemothic monstrosities. We will need quelling.
BB(noticing that Royer’s cell was crammed with illuminated porcelain Christmas villages): I see you’ve got quite a setup here.
RR: Take notice of the Alpine Village series. These are displayed at higher elevations, especially constructed by master craftsmen. The “Snowdrop Cottage” stands out clearly.
BB: I see that one of the bulbs is out.
(Royer began screaming in a terrified manner and the interview was ended prematurely).
An Interview with John Barlow
By Enceladus Sheets
Senior Staff Writer
File photo
Enceladus Sheets recently had a chance to sit down with Oversions GM John Barlow.
ES: You’ve been pretty quiet on the lockout. What are your thoughts?
JB: The actions and desires of both sides stand boldly forth unshadowed like two giant steeds drawing a single chariot and the moment takes on a sort of fixed, sudden clarity and the tranquil deciduated tree looms above the sere and ludicrous disasters of our days.
ES: That’s interesting. Do you think the season will be saved?
JB: You have to call upon your clients at rare intervals. As if God, by circumstance, looking down upon the grand, if not niggardly roundness of the lives of the small, found not the heart to extricate them from their doomed surroundings tempered so completely to their requirements.
ES(laughing): I’m sure our readers can attest to that. What about some of the expansion owners? Surely, this lockout has them regretting their decision to buy into the Pondicherry Association.
JB: I keep my lunch in a fire-proof cabinet.
ES: Yes, of course, I hadn’t thought of that. Anything else?
JB: The cabinet is an inviolate package of conditions.
ES: Thanks.
JB: No.
The interview was terminated.
Catching Up With Robin Brox
By Marles Cundiff
Lankville Lakes Region Attache
File photo
Lankville Lakes Cabbager correspondent Marles Cundiff had a chance to sit down with Condiments owner and GM Robin Brox at her uncolored condiment factory in Western Lankville.
MC: Disappointed with the lockout?
RB: Absolutely. But I’m a female entrepreneur. We can’t sit on our hands waiting for something to happen. So, I’ve gone ahead and rented out Brox Uncolored Condiment Centre to several circuses and an athletic display for the retarded.
MC: You’re the only owner, in fact, who seems to be moving forward.
RB: My life has always been about moving forward. I’ve been married 13 times.
MC: Somehow, I…I find that really hot.
RB: You like that, baby?
(Brox began slapping Cundiff hard in the face and caroming condiment packets off his head. The two were later married and the interview was ended prematurely).
An Interview with Ric Royer
Larry “God” Peters recently visited with Ric Royer at the Foontz-Flonnaise Home of Abundant Senselessness.
LP: I understand that you wish to be called by a new name.
RR: In the name of goodwill, it is best that I be known as Vapors.
LP: OK.
RR: No.
LP: OK. Tell us your thoughts on the lockout.
RR: Cold weather calls for cozy accessories. Best to use a graphic scarf as a finishing touch.
LP: What has become of your mall house?
RR: I believe they turned it into a Teppo Numminen’s Baby Pantry. I get the circulars. Actually, I get three or four different ones a day– sometimes they shoot through my window as if pushed by someone who has climbed a ladder in order to gain admission to my room.
LP: Anything else?
RR: I saw that you pulled up in a station wagon. Do you have any soda in there?
(The interview ended in deep confusion)
An Interview with Shane Meyer’s Aunt Pam
By Brock Belvedere, Jr.
Senior Staff Writer
File Photo
The Lankville Back-Printed Journal of Great Whines had a chance to sit down with Shane Meyer’s only known relative, who asked to be identified as “Aunt Pam”. The meeting took place in a dim basement hallway that smelled vaguely of educational chemicals.
BB: Do you think your nephew really perished in that tire house explosion/fire?
AP: He was a strange child. He had an odd way of staring directly through someone.
BB: Were you surprised when he made a fortune in fried plantains?
AP: Yes. He had no interests outside of semi-professional man wrestling.
BB: It’s well-known in the hockey community that you were quite a dish at one time.
AP: I was compared often to different actresses that appeared in certain specific films.
BB: Tell me about your bosom, as in, your bosom in its prime.
AP: I remember the exact day that I realized it had fallen. We were at a country fair and I was standing by a gigantic, industrial popcorn frier. My late husband commented on the seriousness of the frier and someone mentioned the amount of kelvins. I looked down and it hit me then.
BB: Do you have anything else?
AP: I make yarn Christmas ornaments. I sell them.
The interview sort of just slowly collapsed then. Nothing else was said.
Brief Transmission Established with Pumpkin Tits GM “Nick”
By Dick Oakes, Jr.
Special “Space Canard” Correspondent
File photo
Extremely brief radio transmission was established late last night with “lost” Pumpkin Tits (formerly 17s) GM “Nick”. It is purported that “Nick” is still stranded somewhere in “outer space”. Dick Oakes spoke briefly with the oft-maligned executive.
DO: What’s the scoop, dick?
N: It’s been a harrowing four months. I…I think Karl Saffran is dead.
DO: You know your club is now called “The Pumpkin Tits”?
N: I…I can’t…I’m just trying to find food, shelter…it’s…I’m trying to get back to earth.
DO: All the players are locked out. You ain’t missing much, you crazy fuckhead.
N(begins sobbing): Please, you must help me. I will give you my coordinates…
DO: What do you think about all the new expansion clubs?
N: I…I have no idea…
DO: What do you know? Why the hell did I stay up this late?
Transmission suddenly broke off.
An Interview with Dr. Pondicherry
Nient Boffo, Jr. recently sat down with deposed commissioner Dr. Albert C. Pondicherry, Jr. at the Brox Uncolored Condiment Factory in Western Lankville.
NB: Tell us about your new job with the Condiments.
AP: I have this tight onesie as you can see and this beekeeping hat. I’ve been assigned to prance around the factory floor at specific times.
NB: How does one prance?
AP: I’m glad you asked that. See, I didn’t know myself and so Robin Brox was kind enough to bring in some experts and they had me trained in a few days.
NB: And the beekeeping hat?
AP: Protection against projectiles. These boys on the floor, they’ll throw anything. Tomatoes, cans of corn, wagons.
NB: And what is the point of all this beyond humiliating you, of course?
AP: I don’t view it that way. It’s about Lankvillian morale– it’s about our long tradition of…
[Dr. Pondicherry was suddenly smashed in the back of the head by a crystal serving set. The interview had to be ended prematurely].
ACCOMMODATIONS
When staying in the Area Beyond the Outlands, pick the Murray. Friendly, creative staff, delightful beds, curtains. Phone Far Outlands 5-6712.
LANKVILLE DAILY NEWS: IN BOOK FORM!
The book is gone. It will never return. We hear stories but they are likely false. We live in the woods now. We make fire with a lighter that we found in the street. It was crushed by a truck but, somehow, perhaps through some intervention that is beyond us, it still works. We are waiting. We are waiting.
Original Pondicherry Association News promotional advertisement (2009)
TONIGHT ON TV! RICHARD AND THE POSTMAN REUNION SPECIAL!
The Hit program from the 1970's returns to Lankville TV tonight on LBC!
ADULT ADVERTISEMENT
Women all over Lankville are just sitting at mammoth computers waiting to hear from men like you! Just insert a floppy disk, write a (non-sexual) message and let the sparks fly! (Computer not included).
ADVERTISEMENT
A Vitiello Decorative Ham makes a great gift. Show that you care today.
BANDED DUFFELS ON PALLETS
Assorted colors. Whatever you want to do, man. Call Lankville Falls, 3247.
BRIAN SCHROPP IN THE LANKVILLE DAILY NEWS
The most important cuisine articles ever written.
CANDY
Jipps Co. Full Service Candy Counter! Our alert girls will push gummy drops into special paper sheaths, engage in restrained pleasantries and explain chocholate-to-nougat ratios. Call Central Lankville 3614.
CAT PHOTO
In compliance with Lankville subsection 11:16-4.
CHAMBERS CO. HAND DRILLS: When Electricity is Not an Option
When electricity is not an option consider the Chambers Company hand crank drills. Perfect for use in tight spaces, on distant islands or for drilling holes in fences to see TITS. Call 4-2309.
EMPLOYMENT
Big Ed's BBQ Shack is looking for a part-time waitress. Someone who doesn't nose around and ask a lot of difficult questions. Call Lankville Rougher Area, 5-2100.
EMPLOYMENT
Nuts, Ah! is looking for an experienced nut-handler. Experience with bagging nuts also important. If you break the nut sack, the nuts will drop onto the floor. Come in person for application to Twin Removed Pines Mall. NO CALLS.
FOX FOR PARTIES
Hire the Poetry Fox for Your Child's Next Party. Reasonable rates. Writes poems, dances, will not stand for any shenanigans. Call South Lankville 2009.
The funny stories of Dick Oakes, Jr. have thrilled millions. Look for them today in The Lankville Daily News!
GELSINGER’S ALLURE CLUB
Topless, bottomless wonderland. Mysterious back rooms. Carpeted entirely in astroturf. NO CALLS.
GREBOV BROTHERS TELESCOPE COMPANY
The Grebov Brothers are Lankville's finest purveyor of telescopes for astronomy enthusiasts. Substantial 4.5" apertures and fast f/4 focal ratios provide bright, detailed views of solar system targets like the Moon and planets, as well as wide-field celestial objects like nebulas and star clusters but also TITS.
GUMP PENETRATES
Only in The Lankville Daily News
HADBAWNIK HAUNTED STAIRCASE COMPANY
The Hadbawnik Company is Lankville's #1 installer of haunted, brush-littered staircases. Friendly non-foreign staff! Call Western (Outer) Lankville, 2154 or 2198 today.
HADBAWNIK HAUNTED BRUSH PILES!
The Hadbawnik Haunted Staircase Company is now offering haunted brush piles for use on your staircase. Create eerie, supernal ambiance. Allow the brush to blow haphazardly in the wind, creates fear, foreboding. Call our friendly staff of white people at Western Lankville, 2154. Brush piles may contain other forms of yard debris.
HEY! WANT A MONKEY?
Hey! Want a live little monkey? They do cute things like climb into pumpkins. Call "The Captain"- Central Lankville Hills, 5264.
HOME DUMP Your Neighborhood Hardware Store 16 Lankville Locations!
Weekly Special: Primitive Forged Hooks. Buy 4, Get a Can of Paint. Or Maybe Not. You'll Just Have to Find Out.
INFLAMED BY STARS AND BLOOD
Lankville's Premier Science Fiction and Horror Magazine Now Appearing in The Lankville Daily News!
JOHNNY PADRES, OPTICIAN
Lankville has been relying on Dr. Johnny Padres for their optical needs since 1973. We offer a full service family eye care center and provide examinations for glasses and contacts and have a large display of designer, traditional and innovative eyewear for both regular prescription eyeglasses and sunglasses all of which will enable you to see TITS better. Call Lankville Business 2618-2.
LIFE LESSONS FUNERAL HOME
Life Lessons Funeral Home has been helping Lankville with dead people since 1932. Contact Eddie or Stummins, Lankville Business, 5-2161.
LOOK AT THESE BEAUTIES!
Really some of our best ever! Have you ever seen anything like it? Call Kelly (male) at Lankville Sound 2615.
MISSING
Missing: adult penguin. Christ, I just let him out in the yard for one minute and now he's gone. Responds to the name "Richard". Call Lankville Eastern Outlands, 5-6213.
NOW PLAYING!
The Unhinged: A New Film by Tom "Vapor" Rayford. Crisp Street Cinema, Eastern Lankville
PINEAPPLE CITY: A New Way of Being
Pineapple City is a new way of being, feeling and having your shirt off. Located in the distant, barren Lankville Pines, Pineapple City is now accepting applications for sheds. Call PINES, 2-5771.
THE PUZZLER
In the pie chart above, what segment represents a certain specific strata of the general population?
REAL ESTATE
Little shed for sale. With door, mailbox, dirt plot. Site of multiple murders but don't worry, they happened around back. To inquire, come to the shed. Go around back.
REAL ESTATE
Four acre lot in Eastern Lankville Cove Area. Price reduced! Site of a fireworks display in which several people fell out of their lawnchairs and died. Locals believe it haunted but that's crap. Call Cove 2751.
THE RECKONER EXACTRA 2.0 : A Danny Madison Product
It's Your Time: CALCULATE
SARAH SAMWAYS: CONTRIBUTING FEMALE
Exclusively in the Lankville Daily News (and some other papers).
SPEAKING ENGAGEMENT
Robin Brox will sit around and get progressively more intoxicated while listening to this other broad natter on about something. LANKVILLE REGIONAL AUDITORIUM, August 4, 11PM.
SPEAKING ENGAGEMENT CANCELED
The Dr. M. Chambers speech and candy-making event has been canceled again following Dr. Chambers' sudden collapse into some baskets. New date TBA
TRAVEL TIPS by Randy Hammers
The Kum Back Inn in the Lankville Desert Area has long been serving road-weary travelers. They feature a restaurant (with cocktails) and two spacious conference rooms. The Kum Back boasts 65 units-- each including window dressing, some chairs and a larger chair (seats two smallish children), a bed with orange comforter, a plastic trash can, clever paintings, and a windowless door. TV also available in 17 (sometimes 19) rooms. Most of the rooms are air-conditioned. Oscillating fans available upon request. Illuminated carports will protect your vehicle from the vicious sudden dust storms that often overtake the Desert Area and the wild thieves that occasionally parade across the landscape like some unmentionable horror. Call now at TU-0780 and ask for Bud or Karen (married).
UTILITY YARD SHEDS
The Lowinger Brothers offer great utility yard sheds at low prices. This one is haunted. Call Lankville Port Area 1072.
VACATION PACKAGES!
Spectacular vacations in campers by little mountains. Your cares will melt away but you will have to be careful of that shack (pictured). A lunatic lives there. Call Mercantile District 2711.
WRESTLING TONIGHT!
8PM, Southern Lankville Man-Arena. Featuring Ric "Wild Boy" Tipps (green trunks).
ZACH KEEBAUGH INVESTIGATIONS
Only in The Lankville Daily News
The Lankville Daily News 
LETTER SACK