Archive
Feelings by Dr. Kevin Thurston: Explaining the “Me Burger”
Dr. Kevin Thurston is in.
Dr. Kevin Thurston is an expert on men’s feelings.
A client of mine recently expressed feelings of misery centered around his direction and life purpose and also in regards to his wife never having sex with him. I probed a little on this and the client reiterated that his wife found every conceivable excuse to avoid amorous contact. “Once, she found a small crack in the kitchen wall, way behind the stove and stayed up fretting over it until finally, I just gave up,” he commented.
“You are sexually-starved,” I noted. I wrote the term on a chalkboard and we stared at it for awhile. “That’s a nice chalkboard,” he said. So, I sold it to him for $29.99, including three colors of chalk.
Then, I switched directions. “You may not be able to ever get your wife to have sex with you,” I stated. It was harsh but he needed to hear that. “However, what you can do is to have a ME-BURGER.” I was going to write the term on the chalkboard but we had already taken it down and loaded it into the client’s car.
I proceeded to explain the concept of the Me-Burger.
“Make things completely about yourself. Tell your wife that you need some time to focus on “the Me”. Begin wearing smaller t-shirts on the weekends. In the evenings, curl up into a gently-rolling ball in a corner and quietly whisper me me me me me over and over again. You’ll feel the peace wash over you.”
Then, I sold him a little mat he could use for the rolling. $11.99. Good deal.
In two weeks, the client has undergone an amazing transformation. He walks around now with a confident, semi-permanent smile. While waiting for our appointment, he completely took control of my waiting area and rearranged it utilizing Eastern theories of decoration. During our session, he screamed suddenly at me three times.
All because he had a little bite of the Me-Burger.
Feelings at Christmas
By Dr. Kevin Thurston
Dr. Thurston is an expert in men’s feelings.
This is the time of year when many men visit me to discuss their feelings. “I’m overwhelmed by the obligations, I don’t know how to express my feelings, I’m very bad at wrapping gifts,” are common complaints by men during the holidays. Generally, I put my hands together in a pacific manner and say, “how do you feel about this?” We call this method the “Thurston Jump-Starter” and it generally leads to a potent and productive dialogue.
Masculinity is a continuum. A patient might have a certain amount of masculinity while he, say, hefts a bag of dirt onto his shoulders but far less while he fussily arranges tinsel around a doorway. The idea of having a gender could be interpreted as a series of life gains and losses. Also, I have a number of great items for sale right now, perfect for the holidays. Assorted monogrammed stockings, mostly towards the end of the alphabet (see if you can find your initials!), pajama bottoms, glass Santa figurines, lot of great stuff.
Dr. Thurston with a patient at a recent “Feelings Rally”.
As we lead up to the holidays, we will participate in several “Feelings Rallies”. These will occur daily at various smaller stadiums and arenas. Men from all over Lankville (and maybe the Islands) will celebrate Christmas together and also employ a framework for masculinity influenced by my earlier theoretical work (available in a series of pamphlets, $5.99 each, $29.99 for the set). Comes in a little slipcase made of hard paper.
Continue to embrace, love and buy.
Feelings by Dr. Kevin Thurston
Dr. Kevin Thurston
Dr. Thurston is an expert on men’s feelings.
I often ask many of my clients to close their eyes and visualize a slowly-moving pinwheel. “What’s on the pinwheel?” I’ll ask. The answers are quite varied– if they are of a natural variety (grass, horses, foam), I will move in one direction. If they are of a man-made variety (cabinets, posters, foam), I will move in quite another.
“Tell me about the horses,” I’ll say. “Are they ordinary?” As the client is describing the horses, I’ll prepare a small group of items to be offered for sale later in the session. If the description of the horses veers quickly into violent imagery, I will generally try to mollify the client by offering the items immediately.
“Why is your office located in this damp basement?” a client once asked. “I’d feel better if I could actually sit in a comfortable chair and look out at the wilderness.” I put aside some fake books with hidden compartments that I was going to try to sell him and pressed my hands together in a pacific manner. “Tell me about that,” I said. His face grew very red. “I’m just saying, it’d be nice if there wasn’t these opaque glass blocks to stare at.” “They are to prevent the theft of collectibles,” I noted. Although that client never returned, he did purchase the books with the hidden compartments, $19.99, good deal.
One client recently expressed the feeling that his life had become a prison. “It’s a living hell,” he said, “an endless, deep hell.” At that moment, I was checking the functionality of a used bicycle pump. I decided that the pump could be a metaphor for his condition. “Look how easily the air blows through the shaft and out this little hole,” I noted. I fingered the contraption lightly. “Why don’t we try a Thurston Breathing Exercise from our handbook?” He stood up and kicked a chair over. “These breathing exercises are horseshit,” he exclaimed. “Tell me about that,” I asked. I placed the bicycle pump on a small column intended for display. We slowly worked through his issue.
Everything is a process. The Thurston Method is complex, many items need to be purchased, but in the end I have faith that it is successful.
Feelings by Dr. Kevin Thurston
Dr. Kevin Thurston
Dr. Thurston is an expert on men’s feelings.
Stigma is shame. Stigma is silence. Silence hurts Lankville. This is the motto of Dr. Kevin Thurston’s new “Minds Astir” Group.
Minds Astir is an organization that encourages men to become more open-minded about their mental illness. Minds Astir is loosely affiliated with the larger “Rustling Minds” movement. We meet on Wednesdays in my basement office.
Steve Mitchell, Jr. participated in the Mentally-Ill Pumpkin Smash.
Men diagnosed with mental illness comprise over 95% of our population. They experience numerous daily struggles, not only with their symptoms, but also with prejudices and stereotypes that society creates. Minds Astir seeks to eliminate these societal pressures by taking mentally ill men away from the general public and keeping them in a series of apartments which we will be renting in the upcoming weeks and by offering men a series of discounted items at excellent prices.
Everyone became very confused, standing there holding pumpkins with synonyms for insanity written on them.
Minds Astir provides mentally ill men with a series of activities designed to improve their mental health. Shortly after Halloween, for example, we held a pumpkin smash to symbolize the stomping or “smashing” out of mental illness. Some of the pumpkins smashed quite easily– others would not budge. “This symbolizes the intensity and strength mental illness has on all of us,” I said. “Instead of smashing the pumpkins, let’s write words on them in magic marker,” I then suggested. I challenged the mentally ill men to call out common derisive terms for the mentally ill and then sold each patient a permanent chisel tip marker for just $2.29 (excellent deal). The men called out “crazy”, “insane”, “senseless”, “unsettled” and many other terms and we wrote each word on a pumpkin.
Frankly, we lost our way a little after that. Everyone became very confused, standing there holding pumpkins with synonyms for insanity written on them. No one knew what to do– even I didn’t know what to do. It got dark very fast, that is all I can remember.
But that is part of the process. Part of the journey. I’m not sure who cleaned up the pumpkins.
Join “Minds Astir” today.
Feelings by Dr. Kevin Thurston
Dr. Kevin Thurston
Dr. Thurston is an expert on men’s feelings.
There is only one way to rebuild your manhood. And that’s together. With other men. In my office. Late at night. On Thursdays.
Beginning this fall, Dr. Thurston will be holding weekly “Rebuilding Manhood Mixers”. I will put up a pad of paper on an easel and draw a large box. This is the “Man Box”. Then, I will ask the assembled (who will sit on comfortable floor pillows (for sale for $8.99 each, 4 different colors) to call out things to pack in our “Man Box”.
Unpack the “Man Box” with Dr. Kevin Thurston.
You might think that once our “Man Box” is full, we can begin our journey. This is a common misconception. The very opposite, in fact, is the case. For at this point in our session, it is time to unpack our man box.
“Why?” some men have asked. Each query is addressed similarly. I usually squat (everyone is encouraged to wear comfortable pants), put my hands together in a pacific manner and re-direct the question. “Why?” I will ask the interrogator. “No, I mean, I just asked you why,” he will usually respond. This often goes back and forth for quite some time and gives me the opportunity to wipe down the discharge chute of a hot-air popcorn maker that I intend to offer for sale later in the session.
“You still haven’t answered the question about the man box,” the men will sometimes ask. At that point, I turn my back on the men slowly and then turn to face them again. They see now that I have cried in the interim. I point to the man box. “It’s not my answer, it’s your question,” I say quietly. This generally leads to a long period of reflection.
Make the 25-week commitment now.
Dr. Kevin Thurston Answers Your Questions
Dr. Kevin Thurston
Dr. Kevin Thurston is an expert on men’s feelings.
Dear Dr. Thurston,
I have trouble connecting with women. I get nervous and I vomit when they’re around. What can do I do?
Nervous and Vomity
Lankville Desert Area
Dear Nervous and Vomity,
It’s important first of all to always keep breathing. Breathe deeply and from the stomach. Continue to breathe like this whenever you’re around a woman. The second thing that is important is to always express your feelings. This can be anything from, “I don’t like these pizzas, I’m sending them back” to “When we made love, I saw a big, beautiful female moon from which I gained my energy.” As long as you’re honest and straightforward, you should never be afraid. If you are still afraid, I do have some polo shirts available– three pack for $9.99. The plastic wrap is a little torn and someone crossed out the brand name but otherwise they’re as good as new.
Dear Dr. Thurston,
Is it OK to steal mail?
(Name and address withheld)
Hello,
I have an old Islander woman/saint for whom I feel great devotion (we used to date a little) who once said to me, “It is and it isn’t, and neither is it nor is it not.” She was filled as much with wisdom as with love though, frankly, a little more wisdom than love. Take heed of these words. And if you do decide to stop stealing mail (and maybe even give some of it back), I have some plastic tubs that came without tops that would be ideal. $10 a pair.
Dear Dr. Thurston,
Is there some sort of method by which I can take one sudden leap to the mountaintop rather than the slow-ass winding journey that I’m getting really tired of and not learning anything from?
Tired of Walking
Southern Savannah Portions
Dear Tired,
You must continue on the slow, winding path. For it is a journey– a wonderful journey of exploration, learning about feelings, fear and joy. We must offer ideals but we also must suggest ways to attain these ideals. You are on the right path– do not tarry. And right now, for your journey, I have a real nice mismatched luggage set– a little dented and one of the cases used to have a bunch of police-confiscated weapons in it but otherwise it’s gorgeous. Must be seen to be appreciated, $59.99.
Feelings by Dr. Kevin Thurston
Dr. Kevin Thurston
Dr. Thurston is an expert on men’s feelings.
It is very important to understand if you are: 1. male and 2. suffering from horrifying relentless inner torment. If both qualifiers are true, it is important to stay away from high balconies. You want to live, you just want to end that relentless inner torment that we talked about earlier. And the best thing to do is contact Dr. Kevin Thurston, expert on men’s feelings.
Right now, Dr. Kevin Thurston is having a “summer feelings sale”. For just $49.95 (Lankville taxes included), you can meet with me in my cool, damp office basement (I have those thick glass blocks to prevent the theft of collectibles) and discuss your “feelings health profile board”. We will carefully go over your personal experiences, point out your various character flaws and end with a short session in which various objects will be offered to you at discount prices. Right now, we have a nice orange rug, for example. It’s got a pad beneath it to prevent slipping. Just $29.95, adds zest and a certain quality of orangish elegance to living spaces, small and large.
If you think your feelings health profile board is just fine, Dr. Kevin Thurston has a message for you: it can always be better. And I’m here for you (until 3:45 PM). As a man who has suffered from a deeply-damaged feelings health profile board, I can say from experience that it doesn’t make you less of a man. It just means that you need my analysis. I may suggest several methods of reconstruction: it could be writing and performing your own three-hour wordless autobiographical one-man play (which is what I did), it could be joining me on a journey of discovery and fear (which is what some others have done) or it could be buying some things at discount prices.
So if you need a friendly ear to listen to you or a friendly mouth to say some things to you, you can know you can count on Dr. Kevin Thurston.
Expert on men’s feelings.
This article has been paid for by Dr. Kevin Thurston
Feelings by Dr. Kevin Thurston
Dr. Kevin Thurston
Dr. Thurston is an expert on men’s feelings.
Recently, I led a group of eight clients on a masculine journey of rediscovery, exploration and fear. The journey was originally planned for the Great Lankville Pyramid Area but, regrettably, funds were rather low so we ended up renting a motel– utilizing the weedy area out back as a sort of conference room.
During our first session, I asked all the men to hold hands. “Breathe in the healthful air, all the way down to your belly and beyond,” I commanded. The men did as told. “Now breathe all of that air out– expel all that intangible waste.” Again, the men complied. This time, I went around and offered some items from a tray that I had stolen from a cafeteria– travel coffee mug, $5.99, gapless 5″ binder, $19.99, chess set that could also be turned into a table, $12.99, all good deals.
“Let’s move on to our varied spiritual loads.” I turned to Wayne, a fairly new client with a pleasant, round face and a strange habit of removing his shirt at odd intervals.
“I mean nothing obscene by this Dr. Thurston but my spiritual load is located in my nuts.”
There was a tittering among the men but I raised my hand. “Let Wayne finish,” I commented.
“Yes, it’s in my nuts. I think all my negative energy has migrated to my nuts. And so they hang there, needing release. I’m not sure how to do that.”
“Clearly, your aura is not centered,” I said. “Your energy field is beginning and ending with your nuts. You are not grounded to earth. I have seen this before.”
I made a prong with my hand and began massaging the aura around Wayne’s nuts. “I want you to imagine an energy fountain moving up out of your nuts and through the midline of your body. As you breathe, allow the fountain of energy to shower back to earth.” As he did this, I offered him an opened box of glue sticks— $9.99, great deal.
“How do you feel now, Wayne?”
“I feel a little better, Dr. Thurston.”
“Did you want the glue sticks? The box is opened but it’s never been touched.”
“OK.”
Everybody made out pretty well on the deal.
Feelings by Dr. Kevin Thurston
File Photo
By Dr. Kevin Thurston
Special Correspondent
Dr. Thurston is an expert on men’s feelings.
Recently, I purchased some foam hearts wholesale to sell to certain clients. “You can put this in your office to remind you of love,” I noted. “Only $9.99 each, $12.99 for the red ones.”
Responses varied but I found that the red hearts were the most popular. At $3.99 wholesale price, that’s a nice $9 profit.
“Look at the heart throughout your day,” I advised. “It will remind you of love.”
Foam hearts come in a variety of colors.
“Yeah, you already said that,” said one client. “You said that when I bought the fucking thing.”
“I sense hostility,” I countered.
“Well, you said that the heart played little songs. It doesn’t play any songs. There is no apparatus inside that would allow it to play songs. It’s just more foam inside.”
I put my hands together in a pacific manner, reminiscent of a shaman at prayer. “That’s alright. Remember, love can be dangerous too, full of disguises.”
The client thought about this and eventually calmed down.
Later, I sold him a bag of charcoal.
Feelings by Dr. Kevin Thurston
By Dr. Kevin Thurston
Special Correspondent
File Photo
Dr. Thurston is an expert on men’s feelings.
A client of mine recently expressed the feeling that he was unloved.
By means of remedying this problem, I met with the client privately for a “Thurston Love Session” and also sold him a family-sized bag of corn chips. $3.99, normally $4.99 in stores, so he got a good deal.
Two weeks later, however, the client expressed the desire to hang himself in his basement. “Let me see the basement,” I said. So, the client invited me over. It was a lovely finished basement with a pool table. “I’ve never heard of anyone with a pool table wanting to hang himself,” I proffered. He felt a little better after that and we shot a few games which I won handily and rather loudly. Some neighbors called about the noise but I ended up selling them some lawn seed, ($9.99, 10-pound bag) and also five cubic feet of ice, so there was a positive outcome.
I haven’t heard from the client for awhile, so I assume he’s doing well.
Feelings by Dr. Kevin Thurston
By Dr. Kevin Thurston
Special Correspondent
File Photo
Dr. Thurston is an expert on men’s feelings.
A crucial component of the Thurston Method is to attend a “Feelings Meeting”. These are held in my office on a monthly basis, generally on Saturday evenings. Men are encouraged to bring their own folding chairs and engage in “heart wisdom” and to also have a look at some of the new things I have for sale– kerosene lanterns (set of three), $19.99, pancake maker from TV, $14.99, bunch of other stuff.
After a short airing of grievances section, we begin the Feelings Meetings with a series of warm-up exercises that include “Slow Motion Dive”, “Needle Practice”, and “The Lunge”. You will be able to feel the stress leave your body at this point but because of the thick glass blocks designed to prevent the theft of electronics and collectibles in my office, the stress will unfortunately remain in the room and be with us for the rest of our session. I try to view this as a good thing because we may be able to occasionally visualize the collective stresses and merge them into one humongous stress, however you will need to see my Thurston Advanced Topics handout for more information on how to accomplish this high-level step in the Thurston Method.
Participants are then each asked individually: “how are you feeling right now?” As each man attempts to answer the question, I will quietly go around and offer certain items that may help to alleviate specific smaller stresses: expandable flexible compact garden hose, $21.99, novelty singing parakeet, $14.99, 12 pack of latex caulk, $17.99. This part of the session burns up most of our time together. However, right at the end, we will talk about “Power Journeys”. These are journeys of discovery, humiliation and hiding that take place once a year at some pyramids in Eastern Lankville. Our 2014 Power Journey will take place in January. I have a nice luggage set available right now that would be perfect for the Journey, $99.99, brown.
Snacks and beverages (limited) are generally available after the session.
Feelings by Dr. Kevin Thurston
By Dr. Kevin Thurston
Special Correspondent
File Photo
Dr. Thurston is an expert on men’s feelings.
There are some men who are unable to feel.
I met such a man once in a basement. He was angry over the presence of some dung beetles and he set about murdering them with a hammer. I said, “these are specimens from Our Creator, whoever he or she may be. Do not destroy them. Embrace them.” “Go sit in that yellow chair and wait,” he said. I did but I wasn’t particularly pleased with the situation. It suddenly grew dark. With each hammer blow, I felt my soul weeping.
It’s important to massage your soul. This can be done with some wet towels though I don’t recommend a self-application. Treat yourself for just $39.99 to a “Thurston Soul Rolfing”. While you’re here, you can look over some of my other items. Pair of roller skates, size 9, $19.99, a ream of vellum paper, $15.99. There’s a whole bunch of stuff here.
I’ll light some candles and darken the room. The room is already dark anyway because of those thick glass blocks that prevent the theft of electronics and collectibles but I’ll still darken the room and also put on some prearranged tapes of the sound of it raining out. These are $5.99 each, now on special.
Then, I’ll thoroughly explain the soul massage. It’s not painful– it’s beautiful and even sensuous. If you want it to be. You need to let me know beforehand.
Your soul cleansed, you will walk out onto the street a new man (or woman, but you need to let me know beforehand). You’ll see things differently. Your aura will be your own protective and yet welcoming bubble of floating, moving spirituality. The spirituality moves like magnified cells or sperm– moving, moving, moving, continuing to cleanse everything and all.
Call now. We do not accept insurances but will be happy to look at your card.
Feelings by Dr. Kevin Thurston
By Dr. Kevin Thurston
Special Correspondent
File Photo
The Pondicherry Association News is pleased to present a new column by Dr. Kevin Thurston, expert on men’s feelings.
I’d like you to start by envisioning yourself sitting at a picnic table painted red. For a very long time, you will not be able to see anything because they’ve taken out the normal windows and put in those big gigantic glass blocks that prevent people from stealing things like electronics and collectibles. It’s funny, I had an apartment once that had those kind of blocks and it caused a certain sort of mental instability even though I had no electronics at all and no collectibles and I told the man that. But he had the blocks put in and it became impossible to look out and judge the sort of day it was or what was going on in the street (there were frequent beatings and parties) and there was a sort of mania that crept in and I had a little table in the kitchen that I’d eat at and that was gone one day but I’m getting ahead of myself.
You want to enter the very tipps [sic] of that mania and then, suddenly, the entire wall with those horrid big glass blocks will disappear and you will be looking out upon a beautiful beach scene at dusk and you will hear that lovely sound of waves, surf and those birds they have. Let everything enter your body and let it out and then let it enter again. You can also let it out again if you’d like but that’s your choice.
For $29.99, I have a tape that can also be played while you’re performing this exercise which is known in some circles as the Thurston Movements. It’s very light organ music set to “mandolin”. I made the music myself on an organ that I built myself from a box from a foreign country. It came with a wood case and has two full octaves. If you want the organ, I can let it go for $49.99.
The “Feelings” of Dr. Thurston will continue in future installments.
LANKVILLE DAILY NEWS: IN BOOK FORM!
The book is gone. It will never return. We hear stories but they are likely false. We live in the woods now. We make fire with a lighter that we found in the street. It was crushed by a truck but, somehow, perhaps through some intervention that is beyond us, it still works. We are waiting. We are waiting.
Original Pondicherry Association News promotional advertisement (2009)
TONIGHT ON TV! RICHARD AND THE POSTMAN REUNION SPECIAL!
The Hit program from the 1970's returns to Lankville TV tonight on LBC!
ACCOMMODATIONS
When staying in the Area Beyond the Outlands, pick the Murray. Friendly, creative staff, delightful beds, curtains. Phone Far Outlands 5-6712.
ADULT ADVERTISEMENT
Use your new Intermission TV Typewriter to communicate with hot women! Women are lying around, all over Lankville, just waiting for someone to type something on their TV's. It could be you. Available at your neighborhood electronics retailer.
ADVERTISEMENT
Vitiello Decorative Hams "Fall Batch" now available. Home inspection required. Leaves considerably extra. Call East Lankville 3298 or 4151.
BANDED DUFFELS ON PALLETS
Assorted colors. Whatever you want to do, man. Call Lankville Falls, 3247.
BRIAN SCHROPP IN THE LANKVILLE DAILY NEWS
The most important cuisine articles ever written.
CANDY
Jipps Co. Full Service Candy Counter! Our alert girls will push gummy drops into special paper sheaths, engage in restrained pleasantries and explain chocholate-to-nougat ratios. Call Central Lankville 3614.
CAT PHOTO
Compliance with subsection: 16.61(2), Lankville statutes.
CHAMBERS CO. HAND DRILLS: When Electricity is Not an Option
When electricity is not an option on your next job, consider a Chambers Company hand drill. With 3/8" chuck and gun-metal finish, the steel casing of the drill is thick and sturdy for durability and will come in handy for light construction, carpentry and also for DRILLING HOLES IN FENCES TO SEE TITS
EMPLOYMENT
Big Ed's Barbeque. Waitress needed, someone who doesn't nose around and ask a lot of questions. Call Hole 9913.
EMPLOYMENT
Nuts, Ah! is looking for an experienced nut-handler. Experience with bagging nuts also important. If you break the nut sack, the nuts will drop onto the floor. Come in person for application to Twin Removed Pines Mall. NO CALLS.
FOX FOR PARTIES
Hire the Poetry Fox for Your Child's Next Party. Reasonable rates. Writes poems, dances, will not stand for any shenanigans. Call South Lankville 2009.
The funny stories of Dick Oakes, Jr. have thrilled millions. Look for them today in The Lankville Daily News!
GELSINGER’S FRENCH TOAST
Topless, bottomless wonderland. Mysterious back rooms. Carpeted entirely in astroturf. NO CALLS.
GREBOV BROTHERS TELESCOPE COMPANY
The Grebov Brothers are Lankville's finest purveyor of telescopes for astronomy enthusiasts. Substantial 4.5" apertures and fast f/4 focal ratios provide bright, detailed views of solar system targets like the Moon and planets, as well as wide-field celestial objects like nebulas and star clusters but also TITS.
GUMP PENETRATES
Only in The Lankville Daily News
HADBAWNIK HAUNTED STAIRCASE COMPANY
The Hadbawnik Company is Lankville's #1 installer of haunted, brush-littered staircases. Friendly non-foreign staff! Call Western (Outer) Lankville, 2154 or 2198 today.
HADBAWNIK HAUNTED BRUSH PILES!
The Hadbawnik Haunted Staircase Company is now offering haunted brush piles for use on your staircase. Create eerie, supernal ambiance. Allow the brush to blow haphazardly in the wind, creates fear, foreboding. Call our friendly staff of white people at Western Lankville, 2154. Brush piles may contain other forms of yard debris.
HEY! WANT A MONKEY?
Hey! Want a live little monkey? They do cute things like climb into pumpkins. Call "The Captain"- Central Lankville Hills, 5264.
HOME DUMP Your Neighborhood Hardware Store 16 Lankville Locations!
Weekly Special: Primitive Forged Hooks. Buy 4, Get a Can of Paint. Or Maybe Not. You'll Just Have to Find Out.
INFLAMED BY STARS AND BLOOD
Lankville's Premier Science Fiction and Horror Magazine Now Appearing in The Lankville Daily News!
JOHNNY PADRES, OPTICIAN
Lankville has been relying on Dr. Johnny Padres for their optical needs since 1973. We offer a full service family eye care center and provide examinations for glasses and contacts and have a large display of designer, traditional and innovative eyewear for both regular prescription eyeglasses and sunglasses all of which will enable you to see TITS better. Call Lankville Business 2618-2.
LIFE LESSONS FUNERAL HOME
Life Lessons Funeral Home has been helping Lankville with dead people since 1932. Contact Eddie or Stummins, Lankville Business, 5-2161.
LOOK AT THESE BEAUTIES!
Really some of our best ever! Have you ever seen anything like it? Call Kelly (male) at Lankville Sound 2615.
MEAT FRENZY
Call Kelly (male): 5-2614
MISSING
Missing: adult penguin. Christ, I just let him out in the yard for one minute and now he's gone. Responds to the name "Richard". Call Lankville Eastern Outlands, 5-6213.
NOW PLAYING!
The Unhinged: A New Film by Tom "Vapor" Rayford. Crisp Street Cinema, Eastern Lankville
PINEAPPLE CITY: A New Way of Being
Pineapple City is a new way of being, feeling and having your shirt off. Located in the distant, barren Lankville Pines, Pineapple City is now accepting applications for sheds. Call PINES, 2-5771.
THE PUZZLER
In the pie chart above, what segment represents a certain specific strata of the general population?
REAL ESTATE
Little shed for sale. With door, mailbox, dirt plot. Site of multiple murders but don't worry, they happened around back. To inquire, come to the shed. Go around back.
REAL ESTATE
Four acre lot in Eastern Lankville Cove Area. Price reduced! Site of a fireworks display in which several people fell out of their lawnchairs and died. Locals believe it haunted but that's crap. Call Cove 2751.
THE RECKONER EXACTRA 2.0 : A Danny Madison Product
It's Your Time: CALCULATE
SARAH SAMWAYS: CONTRIBUTING FEMALE
Exclusively in the Lankville Daily News (and some other papers).
SPEAKING ENGAGEMENT
Robin Brox will sit around and get progressively more intoxicated while listening to this other broad natter on about something. LANKVILLE REGIONAL AUDITORIUM, August 4, 11PM.
SPEAKING ENGAGEMENT CANCELED
The Dr. M. Chambers speech and candy-making event has been canceled again following Dr. Chambers' sudden collapse into some baskets. New date TBA
TRAVEL TIPS by Randy Hammers
The Kum Back Inn in the Lankville Desert Area has long been serving road-weary travelers. They feature a restaurant (with cocktails) and two spacious conference rooms. The Kum Back boasts 65 units-- each including window dressing, some chairs and a larger chair (seats two smallish children), a bed with orange comforter, a plastic trash can, clever paintings, and a windowless door. TV also available in 17 (sometimes 19) rooms. Most of the rooms are air-conditioned. Oscillating fans available upon request. Illuminated carports will protect your vehicle from the vicious sudden dust storms that often overtake the Desert Area and the wild thieves that occasionally parade across the landscape like some unmentionable horror. Call now at TU-0780 and ask for Bud or Karen (married).
UTILITY YARD SHEDS
The Lowinger Brothers offer great utility yard sheds at low prices. This one is haunted. Call Lankville Port Area 1072.
VACATION PACKAGES!
Spectacular vacations in campers by little mountains. Your cares will melt away but you will have to be careful of that shack (pictured). A lunatic lives there. Call Mercantile District 2711.
WRESTLING TONIGHT!
8PM, Southern Lankville Man-Arena. Featuring Ric "Wild Boy" Tipps (green trunks).
ZACH KEEBAUGH INVESTIGATIONS
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LETTER SACK