Archive
OPINION: If I Ever Wear a Shirt, I’ll Be Killed
By Peter O’Calendar-Bays
OUTSTANDING, MODERN OPINIONS
If I ever wear a shirt, I’ll be killed.
That’s why you don’t see me in one. Arm prisons. Chest prisons. They’ll kill you. Why would you want that? If I had to wear a shirt everyday like the rest of you rubes, I’d cut my own throat. That’s why I’ve organized it so I don’t have to wear one. Hell, I don’t even own one anymore. Know what’s in my bureau? Just leaves. Piles of leaves. That’s all.
Also, I will actually be killed if I wear one. Somebody will kill me. Rub me out like a pair of old shoes disappearing into a charity bin. That’d be the end of it. I know that now.
That’s why I stand in front of my house. I don’t stand there all the time but I do stand there a lot. With no shirt on, of course. Just a pair of khaki shorts. I do have a bureau drawer dedicated to khaki shorts.
Who wouldn’t?
The opinions of Peter O’Calendar Bays are not necessarily the opinions of The Lankville Daily News or any of its subsidiaries.
OPINION: My Favorite Time of Year
By Pa-hinn Cruikshank
This is the time of year when I like to take a deep breath, bundle up, and head outside to enjoy the season. The season of trees festooned with plastic bags.
Beauty of the season
There’s nothing quite like the sight of a fresh bag flapping in the breeze as it clings to the bare branches of a tree in downtown Lankville. It stirs up feelings of home, memories of kith and kin, and a sense of pride in a cherished community tradition.
Hell, I get nostalgic for the long-forgotten days before Barlow Foods began supplying customers with plastic bags. Back then, we had to make do with those brown paper bags that featured the familiar logo from our hometown store. In the reverie of a Sunday afternoon, I can still conjure the sepia-toned image of my father, pipe clenched in his teeth, as he stands astride the old wooden ladder in front of our house, carefully affixing a paper bag to an advantageous branch.
Beauty of the season (night view).
After climbing down, he would tell me stories about helping his father hang carpet bags from trees in the period when Lankville was little more than a pioneer town.
We’re luckier these days. On “Bagging Day” (or “Winter Solstice”) we gather in Pondicherry Square to release our little treasures to the sound of children’s excited squeals. With any luck, some nearby tree quickly ensnares a bag or two, and there you have it: a unique and glorious decoration that will last the whole season long.
It is for some other time of year – a time when the springs thaw, the Mud Pits ooze, and President Pondicherry emerges from his cave – to kneel beside the shores of Lankville Lake and let go thousands of ash-filled cartons, so that strands of black and grey ash intertwine in lovely patterns on the water’s surface, delighting the eye of every Lankvillian.
For now, enjoy the time of plastic bags while it lasts.
OPINION: I Sat Down. And then, Instantly, I Began to Sink into the Cube
By an Unfortunate Man
IMPORTANT OPINIONS
It was a white room full of stars, patches and a cube. There was a chair. It looked comfortable so I sat down. And then, instantly, I began to sink into the cube.
It lasted hours. A long transformative period inside the cube. There were great swaths of vermilion interlaced with thick globs of pallid ochre. And then I was reincarnated as a dispossessed god-figure struggling to re-establish my dominion in the far-future.
There was a great orb of a moon. It was very near and filled the night with radiance. And then they said, “stop looking at the moon velex* and step into the challenge polyhedron.”
There it was before me. A hideous, abominable polyhedron. I had no choice but to step inside.
I fought the other dispossessed god figures all night. I was the victor. Slowly, my hegemony would again be recognized.
*The author has informed us that “velex” is a synonym for “asshole” utilized only in the distant future.
OPINION: I’ve Been Punched While Vomiting Before, I’ll Be Punched While Vomiting Again
By Dick La Hoyt
Yeah, this is a message for that god damn hayseed that punched me while I was in the middle of vomiting last night at the peanut kiosk. Guess what, asshole? I’ve been punched while vomiting before, I’ll be punched while vomiting again.
So, listen- I’m just standing there at the Nuts Ah! down at Twin Removed Pines Mall, trying to pick out a proper nut for a kid’s birthday party when all the sudden this prick horns in and starts trying to tell his girlfriend about the cashews. So, I’m all like WHOA BUDDY! STEP ASIDE! STEP ASIDE! And he’s all like YOU BUCKING, MAN? and I know that some shit is gonna’ go down.
Nuts Ah! was the sight of a lot of vomiting and punching last night.
Right about then, though, I started to get this funny feeling in my stomach. I think it was some bad chuck from the greasy island place at the food court. And, well, next thing you know I’m blowing grits against the side of the Nuts Ah! kiosk. But not before this chicken-hearted motherlover has popped me right in the mouth.
So, I’m trying to defend myself and the Nuts Ah! guy is all like WHAT THE HELL, MAN but here I am, ready to ralph again. I try to hold the assclown off with my shoulder but he gets me with a good right at the exact moment that I hurl. Can you believe that shit? Everything went just about everywhere.
I’m down on the ground and this fuckface is trying to wipe his hands off on a nearby decorative plant and his girlfriend is all like YOU GOT PUKE ALL OVER YOUR HAND, DANNY! and I’m fading out, not even thinking about the god damn nuts anymore.
And then when I come to they’ve just propped me up against a bench outside and they sure as shit won’t let me back in and I ain’t going to be able to get those birthday party peanuts and my new heavy weave sweater is ruined.
But I just want that dickbreath to know– I’ve been punched while vomiting before, I’ll be punched while vomiting again.
The opinions of Dick La Hoyt are not necessarily the opinions of The Lankville Daily News or any of its subsidiaries.
I Got a Community Project You Can Help Me With
By Del Midnight
Outstanding, Informative Opinions
Yeah, just read that piece about that guy that likes to help with community projects. Well, I got a message for you Lankville. I got a community project I need help with right here!
Know what I’m saying?
It’s a big project. Not for the faint of heart. Gonna’ require a little elbow grease, a lot of heavy lifting. This project needs someone who’s not afraid to get down on their hands and knees in the slop, know what I’m saying?
Yep. A big project that needs an extra hand. Or two. Or more.
It’s right here.
The Lankville Daily News would like to apologize for the preceding article. It is not our policy to publish lewd articles.
OPINION: A Good Cup of Joe Hits You Right in the Balls
By Ray Tebbetts
OUTSTANDING, INFORMATIVE OPINIONS
When I wake up in the morning, I’ll tell you what I do. I grab me a good strong cup of Joe. Why? Cause it hits you right in the balls, that’s why.
I work in a toll booth. Sometimes, it can be really difficult getting motivated for my day. Eight long hours in a god damn hell– that god damn hot, stuffy tool booth box– nothing but irritated drivers throwing bills at you and that foreign foreman coming around checking on your posture every twenty minutes. It ain’t no fun, let me tell you. But if I get that good cup of Joe to slam me right in the balls…well, it’s enough to make it passable. Enough to make the world look cheery.
But it ain’t cheery, I’ll tell you that. That box may be one’s man minor inconvenience but it’s this man’s flaming Gehenna. It’s like getting roasted alive in a nether world of everlasting fire. Those smeared and streaked windows that nobody don’t ever clean, that choking odor of exhaust and petrol– I’m telling you. I just want to rip apart my own flesh and raw bone by the end of the day.
And then I have another cup of Joe bash me right in the balls.
And then I feel human again.
The opinions of Ray Tebbetts are not necessarily the opinions of The Lankville Daily News or any of its subsidiaries.
OPINION: I’ve Been Punched in the Mouth at a Candlelit Child’s Christmas Eve Pageant Before, I’ll Be Punched in the Mouth at a Candlelit Child’s Christmas Eve Pageant Again
By Dick La Hoyt
Seasonal Opinions
This is a message for that joker that punched me in the mouth at a candlelit Christmas Eve pageant last night. Guess what, asshole? Been punched at one before, I’ll be punched at one again.
My niece was playing one of the animals from the first Christmas at some auditorium, so I went along. Got a chair right near the front in the middle aisle and I laid my coat over the back and then popped off my knitted sweater and draped that over a couple more chairs, one for my sister and her husband. Then, I ducked out back in the parking lot for a cigarette.
This is what the guy that punched me in the mouth looked like (file photo).
I come back and you wouldn’t believe it. My coat is thrown off to one side and this horse’s ass is sitting in my seat. So, I go up to him and I’m like WHOAAAAA BUDDY! THESE SEATS ARE SPOKEN FOR! This guy, he starts arguing with me about the coat and the sweater not being no “reserved” sign and I say YOU BETTER STEP OFF MAN, BETTER STEP OFF and my sister starts crying and pulling at my arm cause all the kids are starting to come onstage in their donkey outfits or whatever and some dude is walking around lighting these candles that was set up everywhere.
“We better take this one outside,” this clown says. GLADLY I say, and we start out a side exit. I turn around and BAM. I take it right in the mouth. I don’t remember much after that until I woke up in some sand. Must’ve been a playground or something. I could hear singing coming through the windows of the candlelit auditorium. I tasted blood.
So, just so this motherlovin’ asshead knows it– you ain’t the first, pal. I’ve been punched in the mouth at a candlelit child’s Christmas Eve pageant before, I’ll be punched in the mouth at a candelit child’s Christmas Eve pageant again.
OPINION: I Got Something You Can Check Twice
By Del Midnight
Outstanding, Informative Opinions
Hey, Lankville. If you’re still making out your Christmas lists, I got something you can check twice.
Know what I’m saying?
I been both naughty and nice, in case you’re wondering. And I don’t just come to town once a year. Know what I’m saying?
And you sure as hell ain’t gonna’ be pouting over this thing– this thing that I said you could check twice earlier in my article. Nope, I think you’re gonna’ be real pleased with it. Might want to even put it on that list.
Yep, I’d say you better watch out about this thing.
Know what I’m saying?
Better watch out so you can check it twice.
The Lankville Daily News would like to apologize for the preceding article. It is not our policy to publish lewd articles.
I Want to Tell You About How My New Boyfriend Just Got a Guitar
By Ashley Pfeiffers
I want to tell you SO MUCH about how my new boyfriend just got a guitar!
I couldn’t believe it when he told me. “I bought it to write songs for you, Ash,” he said. I JUST ABOUT DIED. Now, he brings it with him wherever we go. We went to the mall the other day and he just suddenly sat down by the fountain and started playing. “Every song I write is going to have your name in it, Ash,” he said that day. I was so nervous and shaky that part of this giant cookie I bought from the food court kind of folded over on itself and fell into the fountain. We are so in love!
Twin Removed Pines Mall where my boyfriend played his guitar to me.
We were making out the other night and he suddenly stopped and put his finger up. “Wait right here, Ash,” he said. He brought the guitar into the room and started plucking some of the strings. “Sorry, Ash, I just got inspired. Inspired by your kisses.” I couldn’t believe it. We just have so much in common.
“You ever think about just, you know, renting a van?” he said last night. He strummed a chord for effect. “Yeah,” I said even though I had never previously thought of renting a van. “You know, just taking that van and going to Western Lankville?” he said. “Um hmm,” I replied even though I had never previously thought of Western Lankville. “We’re gonna’ do that, Ash,” my new boyfriend said. “Mark my words, we’ll just ride off one day,” he added.
We are so in love.
OPINION: What Do You Get When You Put a Bunny in a Room Full of Partially-Deflated Balloons? A Very Happy Bunny!
By Ida Rumpus
It started like this. We had a big birthday party for my boyfriend Glenn’s 40th. It was a lot of fun– I made him a big clown head. He claims he never said anything about liking a big clown head but, trust me, he did. Many times.
Slips runs with a balloon.
A few days passed and all the balloons started to partially deflate. Well, I gathered them all together in the dining room with the intention of eventually icepicking them into oblivion and putting them in the garbage (such a sad, sad process– it’s murder, really). Anyway, I also figured I’d let our pet bunny “Slips” into the room, just to get her out of her cage for a few minutes. We call her “Slips” by the way because she has epilepsy and actually does slip a lot. Well, Glenn came up with the name anyway. I don’t really like it. I wanted to name her “Felicia”.
Anyway, “Slips” started playing around with the balloons. It was the funniest thing I’ve ever seen, literally. She would occasionally climb on top of the balloons. Then, she started carrying the balloons in her mouth and running with them. Well, it’s really just those two things she did. But so cute! Just super-cute.
“Slips” is super-gentle too! She didn’t pop a single balloon.
Rumpus suddenly had nothing else to say and the story just ended unexpectedly.
OPINION: The Hues and Shades of These New Industrial Products are Blowing My God Damn Fucking Mind
By Ford Bradley Dakota, Jr., President, Lankville Industrial Materialistic Products Society
TIMELY OPINIONS
Lankville is entering a new age. The new industrial streamlined products present a colorful god damn array. Such a great fucking range of hues and shades in plastic products for example, pose a god damn challenge in industrial reproduction that is easily motherfucking met. Or consider the beautiful glossy sheen and luster of fucking modern rayon– utilized all over Lankville to curtain the fucking shit out of windows, in clothing such as skirts and fucking blouses, and in blankets for those cold god damn fucking nights.
Just look at this stunning array of god damn motherfucking plastics.
What about those individual candies you eat like a motherfucker? Did you know that each of those is wrapped in a germ-proof, odorless, gloss fucking-enhanced little god damn sheath of fucking cellophane? Or that god damn fucking bag of fucking Flummies you just bought? They’re crispy fucking fresh and clean because of that plastic bag that fucking holds them. Or what about those socks you fucking put on this morning? Made of sensational poly-blend acrylics– these god damn motherfuckers can be washed and dried repeatedly– and they still won’t fucking shrink while retaining their god damn motherfucking shape! Just another fucking way in which Lankville’s industrial streamlined fucking products are making your god damn life better!
Or the beautiful god damn fucking sheen and luster of these fucking rayon curtains.
The Lankville Industrial Materialistic Products Society invites you to send for our god damn motherfucking latest study, covering fucking consumer buying habits of everything streamlined– from fucking socks to fucking candy! Write us fucking god damn right now: P.O. Box 5241 (Lankville), Industrial Fucking Factory Area (West), Lankville 2258.
And best to you and your god damn fucking family!
FORD
OPINION: Yeah, I Think I Can Do It
By Pat Lowenstein
OPINIONS TO START YOUR DAY OFF RIGHT
It was a few months back. I was feeling really down. I had just lost a big competition in which large amounts of tubular snack foods had to be consumed quickly during a short period of time. I was sitting alone in the locker room, toweling off. I had a terrible fire in my belly and a great shadow had passed over the high windows. I had the blues, I’ll admit to it.
I was feeling really down. I had just lost a big competition in which large amounts of tubular snack foods had to be consumed quickly during a short period of time.
I looked down into my duffel. There was a brand new ceramic knife there (I collect them) and I thought about how easy it would be to slice open my neck and die against the lockers (yep, that’s how bad off I was, folks). No one would find me for days– not until the competitive tubular snack food circuit rolled around again. I unsheathed the knife. And that’s when Dennis Updatables walked by.
Dennis was the champ– everybody knew it. But he was a general good guy and he liked me. “You’ve got the elan,” he would often say. “Don’t throw it away. Follow your dreams.” The younger guys– we clung to him like children– gathering around on those long bus rides to hear him spin yarns of his decades on the circuit. He was in the twilight of his career, sure. But he was still topflight in my book.
“Feeling bad, Pat?” he asked. He slowly reached for the knife and took it from my sweaty hand. “No need for this though. How’s about I hold onto this tonight?” He threw the knife into his duffel and joined me on the bench.
“I’ve got something for you, kid.” He reached into his breast pocket. “Take care of the fire in your belly first. And then, you can take care of that fire in your mind.”
Dennis Updatables– aging champ.
It was a roll of antacids. The good stuff too– foreign brand, maybe from the Islands. He popped a couple off into my palm. “Sit back and close your eyes,” he advised. I took two down in one swallow.
Everything opened up then. I forgot totally about the knife and my idea of ripping open my throat and bleeding to death against a row of lockers.
He put his hand on my shoulder. “Feeling better?”
“Yeah, gee. I feel great.” He smiled.
He stood up. “Keep at it, kid. You’re going places.” He threw his duffel over his shoulder and disappeared down the darkened hallway with a friendly wave of his hand. I looked after him, amazed. “WOW,” I said aloud.
So, yeah, I think I can do it. And you can too, Lankville.
OPINION: Some Balloons Passed Really Close by My Face
By an Unfortunate Citizen
OPINION
I was sitting there. It was at a table in the basement. There was a plastic tablecloth. There was a bowl of chips but it was far away.
And then some balloons passed really close by my face.
I lurched backwards. I looked to my left and then to my right. Nothing. I moved back to the table.
I looked at the chips. I wanted some.
And then some balloons passed really close by my face.
I yelled out. There was a hallway that led upstairs. I heard a little noise there but then nothing. A light in the ceiling fixture buzzed and then flamed out. It grew darker.
And then some balloons passed really close by my face.
The door to the hallway suddenly closed. The chips were suddenly closer. There was that. I moved my eyes far to the left.
I am waiting.
The opinions of this man are not necessarily the opinions of the Lankville Daily News or any of its subsidiaries.
I Want to Tell You So Much More About My New Boyfriend
By Ashley Pfeiffers
I’ve just got so much more to tell you about my new boyfriend.
Yesterday, we walked down to the poster festival at the big tent. “I gotta’ get new some joint for my wall, Ash,” he said. He thought the stuff he had up there was getting a little childish but I thought it was really, really cute. Like the two kittens on top of a gigantic ball of yarn with the caption that says KEEP HANGING ON BECAUSE WE’RE KITTENS AND WE DON’T KNOW WHAT ELSE TO DO.
“Nah, it’s kid’s stuff,” he said, again. Then, he ripped it straight off the wall. I put my hands up to my face in horror but then he turned his ballcap backwards and gave me the biggest kiss. “Wish I could put you up there,” he said. I think he meant it as a compliment even though, at first, I thought it was just a tad creepy. He’s so cute though, I know he likes me.
We got some hot chocolates on the way. My new boyfriend told the lady to put some extra whipped cream on mine. I JUST ABOUT DIED. Then, we went into the poster tent. They had everything in there and my new boyfriend and I just spent hours looking, holding hands, talking about EVERYTHING. I got a really beautiful poster that had a lion and a dolphin on it and my new boyfriend got one that had three really nice painted skateboards that he liked and another that advertised some kind of beer.
On the way home, my new boyfriend asked if I wanted to stop in the cemetery. We walked along the rows of graves looking at the different old-time names. “These people, Ash, they, like, lived and died,” he said. I couldn’t believe he said that!
We just have so much in common.
The opinions of Ashley Pfeiffers are not necessarily the opinions of The Lankville Daily News or any of its subsidiaries.
I Want to Tell You All About My New Boyfriend
By Ashley Pfeiffers
OPINIONS OF YOUTH
Whenever I think of my new boyfriend, I just get the biggest smile. He’s down in a parking lot right now by the woods.
Twin Removed Pines Mall where my new boyfriend and I got our shakes.
Today, we went and got pizza. Just slices, not a whole pizza. He said, “I’m not even that hungry. Because, I’m full of love.” I just giggled and giggled and the guy behind the pizza counter got a little testy. Then, my new boyfriend and I went down under the overpass and I watched him spray paint a big giant kitten on the concrete.
I’m not even that hungry. Because, I’m full of love.
“It’s getting a little chilly in the late afternoons now,” my new boyfriend said. “Might be time to get a new hoodie.” So, my new boyfriend and I went to Twin Removed Pines Mall. He bought a couple of hoodies with all these jagged yellow designs all over them and some flared pants and then we got a shake. “One straw,” he told the shake guy. Then, he kissed me.
We went over to the table. “Why’d you kiss me in front of the shake guy?” I asked my new boyfriend.” “I don’t care if he sees,” he said. “It’s just you and me, Ash.” I just about died.
Then, it got to be about four o’clock and my new boyfriend had to be getting over to the parking lot by the woods. I went back to his room with him and he put on his new hoodie. Gosh, he looked good. “I’ve gotta’ be getting down to see the guys,” he said. “A lot of ideas flowin’ tonight.” I wasn’t sure what my new boyfriend was talking about but it didn’t matter.
We’re so in love.
The opinions of Ashley Pfeiffers are not necessarily the opinions of The Lankville Daily News or any of its subsidiaries.
ACCOMMODATIONS
When staying in the Area Beyond the Outlands, pick the Murray. Friendly, creative staff, delightful beds, curtains. Phone Far Outlands 5-6712.
LANKVILLE DAILY NEWS: IN BOOK FORM!
The book is gone. It will never return. We hear stories but they are likely false. We live in the woods now. We make fire with a lighter that we found in the street. It was crushed by a truck but, somehow, perhaps through some intervention that is beyond us, it still works. We are waiting. We are waiting.
Original Pondicherry Association News promotional advertisement (2009)
TONIGHT ON TV! RICHARD AND THE POSTMAN REUNION SPECIAL!
The Hit program from the 1970's returns to Lankville TV tonight on LBC!
ADULT ADVERTISEMENT
Women all over Lankville are just sitting at mammoth computers waiting to hear from men like you! Just insert a floppy disk, write a (non-sexual) message and let the sparks fly! (Computer not included).
ADVERTISEMENT
A Vitiello Decorative Ham makes a great gift. Show that you care today.
BANDED DUFFELS ON PALLETS
Assorted colors. Whatever you want to do, man. Call Lankville Falls, 3247.
BRIAN SCHROPP IN THE LANKVILLE DAILY NEWS
The most important cuisine articles ever written.
CANDY
Jipps Co. Full Service Candy Counter! Our alert girls will push gummy drops into special paper sheaths, engage in restrained pleasantries and explain chocholate-to-nougat ratios. Call Central Lankville 3614.
CAT PHOTO
In compliance with Lankville subsection 11:16-4.
CHAMBERS CO. HAND DRILLS: When Electricity is Not an Option
When electricity is not an option consider the Chambers Company hand crank drills. Perfect for use in tight spaces, on distant islands or for drilling holes in fences to see TITS. Call 4-2309.
EMPLOYMENT
Big Ed's BBQ Shack is looking for a part-time waitress. Someone who doesn't nose around and ask a lot of difficult questions. Call Lankville Rougher Area, 5-2100.
EMPLOYMENT
Nuts, Ah! is looking for an experienced nut-handler. Experience with bagging nuts also important. If you break the nut sack, the nuts will drop onto the floor. Come in person for application to Twin Removed Pines Mall. NO CALLS.
FOX FOR PARTIES
Hire the Poetry Fox for Your Child's Next Party. Reasonable rates. Writes poems, dances, will not stand for any shenanigans. Call South Lankville 2009.
The funny stories of Dick Oakes, Jr. have thrilled millions. Look for them today in The Lankville Daily News!
GELSINGER’S ALLURE CLUB
Topless, bottomless wonderland. Mysterious back rooms. Carpeted entirely in astroturf. NO CALLS.
GREBOV BROTHERS TELESCOPE COMPANY
The Grebov Brothers are Lankville's finest purveyor of telescopes for astronomy enthusiasts. Substantial 4.5" apertures and fast f/4 focal ratios provide bright, detailed views of solar system targets like the Moon and planets, as well as wide-field celestial objects like nebulas and star clusters but also TITS.
GUMP PENETRATES
Only in The Lankville Daily News
HADBAWNIK HAUNTED STAIRCASE COMPANY
The Hadbawnik Company is Lankville's #1 installer of haunted, brush-littered staircases. Friendly non-foreign staff! Call Western (Outer) Lankville, 2154 or 2198 today.
HADBAWNIK HAUNTED BRUSH PILES!
The Hadbawnik Haunted Staircase Company is now offering haunted brush piles for use on your staircase. Create eerie, supernal ambiance. Allow the brush to blow haphazardly in the wind, creates fear, foreboding. Call our friendly staff of white people at Western Lankville, 2154. Brush piles may contain other forms of yard debris.
HEY! WANT A MONKEY?
Hey! Want a live little monkey? They do cute things like climb into pumpkins. Call "The Captain"- Central Lankville Hills, 5264.
HOME DUMP Your Neighborhood Hardware Store 16 Lankville Locations!
Weekly Special: Primitive Forged Hooks. Buy 4, Get a Can of Paint. Or Maybe Not. You'll Just Have to Find Out.
INFLAMED BY STARS AND BLOOD
Lankville's Premier Science Fiction and Horror Magazine Now Appearing in The Lankville Daily News!
JOHNNY PADRES, OPTICIAN
Lankville has been relying on Dr. Johnny Padres for their optical needs since 1973. We offer a full service family eye care center and provide examinations for glasses and contacts and have a large display of designer, traditional and innovative eyewear for both regular prescription eyeglasses and sunglasses all of which will enable you to see TITS better. Call Lankville Business 2618-2.
LIFE LESSONS FUNERAL HOME
Life Lessons Funeral Home has been helping Lankville with dead people since 1932. Contact Eddie or Stummins, Lankville Business, 5-2161.
LOOK AT THESE BEAUTIES!
Really some of our best ever! Have you ever seen anything like it? Call Kelly (male) at Lankville Sound 2615.
MISSING
Missing: adult penguin. Christ, I just let him out in the yard for one minute and now he's gone. Responds to the name "Richard". Call Lankville Eastern Outlands, 5-6213.
NOW PLAYING!
The Unhinged: A New Film by Tom "Vapor" Rayford. Crisp Street Cinema, Eastern Lankville
PINEAPPLE CITY: A New Way of Being
Pineapple City is a new way of being, feeling and having your shirt off. Located in the distant, barren Lankville Pines, Pineapple City is now accepting applications for sheds. Call PINES, 2-5771.
THE PUZZLER
In the pie chart above, what segment represents a certain specific strata of the general population?
REAL ESTATE
Little shed for sale. With door, mailbox, dirt plot. Site of multiple murders but don't worry, they happened around back. To inquire, come to the shed. Go around back.
REAL ESTATE
Four acre lot in Eastern Lankville Cove Area. Price reduced! Site of a fireworks display in which several people fell out of their lawnchairs and died. Locals believe it haunted but that's crap. Call Cove 2751.
THE RECKONER EXACTRA 2.0 : A Danny Madison Product
It's Your Time: CALCULATE
SARAH SAMWAYS: CONTRIBUTING FEMALE
Exclusively in the Lankville Daily News (and some other papers).
SPEAKING ENGAGEMENT
Robin Brox will sit around and get progressively more intoxicated while listening to this other broad natter on about something. LANKVILLE REGIONAL AUDITORIUM, August 4, 11PM.
SPEAKING ENGAGEMENT CANCELED
The Dr. M. Chambers speech and candy-making event has been canceled again following Dr. Chambers' sudden collapse into some baskets. New date TBA
TRAVEL TIPS by Randy Hammers
The Kum Back Inn in the Lankville Desert Area has long been serving road-weary travelers. They feature a restaurant (with cocktails) and two spacious conference rooms. The Kum Back boasts 65 units-- each including window dressing, some chairs and a larger chair (seats two smallish children), a bed with orange comforter, a plastic trash can, clever paintings, and a windowless door. TV also available in 17 (sometimes 19) rooms. Most of the rooms are air-conditioned. Oscillating fans available upon request. Illuminated carports will protect your vehicle from the vicious sudden dust storms that often overtake the Desert Area and the wild thieves that occasionally parade across the landscape like some unmentionable horror. Call now at TU-0780 and ask for Bud or Karen (married).
UTILITY YARD SHEDS
The Lowinger Brothers offer great utility yard sheds at low prices. This one is haunted. Call Lankville Port Area 1072.
VACATION PACKAGES!
Spectacular vacations in campers by little mountains. Your cares will melt away but you will have to be careful of that shack (pictured). A lunatic lives there. Call Mercantile District 2711.
WRESTLING TONIGHT!
8PM, Southern Lankville Man-Arena. Featuring Ric "Wild Boy" Tipps (green trunks).
ZACH KEEBAUGH INVESTIGATIONS
Only in The Lankville Daily News
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LETTER SACK