Oral Histories of Some Former Lankville Pugilists
By Herm Mount-Vince (1941-1949, 26W, 24L, 9KO)
File photo
Well, when you first came by here, I thought you wanted to compliment me on my lawn. Look here, I’m 85 years old and I keep a good lawn. You look at the areas near the sidewalk, you see them? Normally people got big god damn mud patches there. I can’t stand the sight of that. But look at my lawn. Grass all the way to the sidewalk. Run your hand through that. Go on, run your god damn hand through it. [The interviewer was reticent but Mount-Vince insisted to the point of near-violence]. Alright, that was easy enough, wasn’t it? What was the big god damn deal? You feel that– that’s what they call LUSH. I keep a good lawn. Best in the neighborhood.
Anyway, I wasn’t what you’d really call a serious boxer. I had quick hands but they used to say I had concrete legs. They meant that I couldn’t move my legs, not that they were strong as concrete– just that they were, didn’t move, right? Do you understand? Heavy legs. So, usually a guy would dance around me and I couldn’t keep up. I’d get tired out and then after awhile I’d just sort of fall down. I got knocked out quite often.
I remember one time out in the Desert region. They had a place called the Boulevard Arena and I fought there often. They put me on a bill with Curtis Extension-Wand [middleweight champion, 1946-1948]. I got to meet him beforehand. He was alright. He had a funny habit of putting a toothpick in his mouth. That’s much as I remember. I think I got knocked out in that fight.
I used to have all my clippings. Used to get real angry when my clippings weren’t favorable. There was one writer who said, and I’ll never forget it, “Mount-Vince is distinctly mediocre; the sort of blinkered individual that comes along upon occasion taking the same route that feces might take along a sewer pipe.” Yep. Then later in the article he said that I was a “travesty” and “an aggregation of different feces that causes a system clog thereby requiring service.” Now, I never done nothing to this guy.
I met him outside a restaurant one time, me and some of the fellows. We took his coat and shoved it into a newspaper box. I know it don’t sound like much but that was a big insult back then.
You need to seed your lawn in the fall. When you get them cold nights. That’s the best time.
Royer’s Madcap Experiences: Two for the Road
By Ric Royer
File photo
For reasons entirely unclear to me, I suddenly purchased a three-bedroom rancher and married an airline stewardess. She wore way too much makeup and had no interests whatsoever outside of television but I immediately proposed anyway. I bought her a gigantic diamond ring at her request.
A truck delivered a series of overstuffed grey sofas and recliners and a gaudy bedroom set. Carpet was installed. She fretted over that. When I once dropped a tureen of syrup-soaked pancakes, I was banished to the garage for nearly two days.
I took a job in an office. There were some binders on shelves and two stand-up file cabinets but I never fooled with them. There was a little phone and a tape recorder and, for no good reason at all, I set both on fire. They let me go that evening.
The stewardess was gone then, away on an overnight flight to the Depths. I came home and sat in one of the grey recliners. The set, a gigantic wood-enclosed monstrosity with a mysterious blue glow, transmitted forth a series of programs. I would catch only pieces of them– there was something about some little yellow tickets that were being handed out. If you got one, you could go to a picnic in a courtyard. It was all a big to-do. That one went off and something else came on about giant cardboard boxes filled with electronics.
I went down the hall to the bedroom and opened the closet door. I looked at the stewardess’ clothes. Bunch of grey pantsuits. I had no idea. I pushed them all to one end of the rod and noticed two round holes in the drywall. “Two for the road,” I said senselessly. “Two for the road.”
They were.
Royer Releases First Book of Poetry
By Sal-Peter Vooks
Special Literary Correspondent
File photo
It was announced this morning that hockey and baseball magnate Ric Royer has released his first book of poetry. Dances with Bears will hit the shelves today.
“The sparkling, glimmering little rays of my illuminated Christmas village layout has inspired this work,” noted Royer, who appeared briefly this morning at a press conference in which a large sheet cake was served. “Also, my new van has provided creative arousal. This abundance has been an awakening. My literary panties are all wet.”
Royer was allowed a small piece of the sheet cake, signed a few copies of his book and was then taken back to the Foontz-Flonnaise Home of Abundant Senselessness.
“I read some of the poems,” said reporter Brock Belvedere, Jr. “There was some stuff in there about mountains. And then some stuff about bears.” Belvedere awkwardly ate a large piece of the sheet cake and then added, “There was a sensuality that I deeply appreciated.”
Dances with Bears has been issued in heavy cardstock wrappers with sewn-in “guidance ribbon” and directional arrows in an edition of 500.
Oral Histories of Some Former Lankville Pugilists
By Pineapple Duvet (1938-1942, 10W, 5L, 8KO)
File photo
My first fight was in Southern Lankville. And they had a guy there that said, “why do you fight in them leather trunks? Don’t you know we got the cotton down here? It breathes better.” He took me out to a field and the next I knew I was, you know, actually working in the field. I got confused. So, I missed the fight.
I got blackballed after that. For about 13 years. By the time of my next fight, I couldn’t keep my hands up. Fortunately, I could throw a real haymaker. I’d take hundreds of blows straight in the face and then I’d throw that ol’ haymaker and knock the guy out. Long as I could get that haymaker off, I’d generally win. Then, I’d sit at a table, carve up a pineapple and listen to Richard and the Postman on the radio. That’s how I got my nicknames. I was known by Pineapple in the ring and “The Postman” out of it.”
One time, after I knocked out Floyd Roh, I was sitting at the table carving up a pineapple. And there was this girl there. I don’t know where she come from. I don’t know who let her in the house. But she never did leave and I couldn’t argue with her cause she started buying the pineapples. I let her stay and I give her a room in the attic and then we got married and she come down to my room. We decided to have children and we gave it a go once and we had Lance. Then we give it a go again and we had Belinda. And then she went back up to the attic. But she always had them pineapples.
I had to give up the ring in ’42 when I got drafted for the First Great Depths War. I was on a big gunboat that got lost at sea. We were lost for about five years or so. It was quite a time.
I worked for General Magnets after that. We made magnets in a general way. Like them little grapes you put on a refrigerator. But I’m glad for my time in the ring.
Small Child Makes Debut for Terrifying Bats
By Trenton Scisse
Baseball Beat Writer
File photo
A small 9-year old child made his debut last night as the Terrifying Bats were crushed by the Arboreal Dells 21-3 at Deeply-Wooded Area Park.
“We’ve been beating the bushes for talent,” said Bats manager Jimmy “Apple Cakes” Quizzler, who watched as his club committed 7 more errors and fell to 0-5. “Someone told me about this small child, I was drunk, and I signed him up. That’s pretty much how it happened.”
The small child, Dennis Clean-System, allowed 7 runs in 1/3 of an inning before being lifted for no one.
“We didn’t have any pitchers left,” noted Quizzler. “At least anyone notable. So, we just forfeited the game at that point.”
The Arboreal Dells notched 10 hits off Clean-System before the forfeit.
“Well, Jimmy came out to get the kid and they both walked off and no one was coming in from the bullpen,” said home plate umpire Karl Saffran. “I walked over and asked for a pitcher and Jimmy just kind of threw his hands up and there was a long period of silence and confusion. Then, it was over.”
Moderately exciting PBA action will continue tonight as the Crisply Moving Bisons will take on the Stamps at Hoover Island.
Royer’s Madcap Experiences: The Very Small Lion Statue
By Ric Royer
File photo
“And Mama was saying just last night,” said Myrna while filing her nails, “that she didn’t think this office was a proper place for a young girl wearing sweaters to work. What with these undesirable people coming and going all day and you swearing at me all the time.”
“Shut up,” I said, thoughtlessly.
“No, sir. She just didn’t think this was suitable at all.” She put down the emery board.
“Shut up,” I said again.
She stared at me.
“Shut up,” I repeated. I went into my office but came back out shortly thereafter and told her to shut up again even though she wasn’t talking.
Moments later, a man wearing a tiny tie burst in. I had been pouring water on my typewriter for reasons unclear to me.
“You’ve got to help me Mr. Roysticks! A man in a green mask just broke into my apartment and made off with an exceedingly valuable but very small statue of a lion.”
In unison, we huffed it down the three flights of stairs to the street. Within moments, we pulled up outside the building. It was a curious structure of indeterminate age. Several of the lower floor windows had been boarded over with oddly-stained wood. Yet, there was a doorman. He held the elevator for us.
“I was just lying in bed reading the latest Dean T. Pibbs* novel, when suddenly I heard a loud clatter in the kitchen,” explained the little man, as the lift began its ascent. “At first, I thought it might be the island maid who comes in every once in awhile. But then the green-masked man appeared. I screamed, I admit, in a girlish way but the man ignored me and made a beeline for the bureau where I keep the very small lion statue. I can’t impart to you its value Mr. Roysticks, it’s priceless really.”
“We’ll settle it all out,” I assured him. I knew we wouldn’t though. I could feel it. Plus, I had no idea what the hell was going on.
He opened the apartment door. It was a comfortable but ascetic little place, three rooms painted in pale yellow with orange molding. There was a framed poster of a cat on one wall.
“Well, perhaps you can find some clues, Mr. Roysters.”
I nosed around a bit and the little man didn’t follow me. In the kitchen, I found a tin of saltines and began eating noisily. When I thought enough time had passed, I came back out into the living room. The little man was straightening the cat poster for reasons unclear.
“Nope. Nothing.” He looked disappointed. “No question, this was a professional job.”
He began crying. I was worried I might have to smack him around a bit but he got a handle on it.
“Well, OK,” he said.
“Oh, OK.”
“So, the little lion is…”
“It’s gone, right. Forever.”
“OK.”
I left by the back stairs.
*Editor’s Note: Popular Lankville author of terrorist attack novels.
Dick Oakes Baseball Digest
By Dick Oakes, Jr.
Senior Staff Writer
File photo
The Pondicherry Baseball Association Division of Leagues kicked off action last night with a moderately exciting slate of contests.
The Chunk Island Ruby Legs pounded the visiting Terrifying Bats 16-1 behind lefty Merv Boats, Jr. (1-0) who hurled six scoreless frames. Chris MacDonalds and Didius Getta had 3 hits each and 1st baseman Vic Puppies homered. Jo Tet (0-1) took the loss for the Bats after allowing 8 runs in 1 inning.
“I didn’t have good stuff tonight,” said Tet, who was throwing a mix of slowballs and pitches that bounced once before arriving at the plate to be crushed. “I couldn’t get my arm slot right and my mechanics were all off. Something to work on at some point whenever I can find the time. I’ve just been buried in paperwork lately.”
Attendance was reported as 16,245.
Later in the evening, the Outer Depths Wipers edged the visiting Western Area Small Pizzas 3-2 at Depths Facial Tissue Plaza.
Oren Schrantz (1-0) picked up the win in relief for the Wipers, who scored an eighth inning run on a bunt, a dropped pop-up, two further errors and a moment of deep confusion following the storming of the field by an old hippie. Mike Reeps had 2 hits and a homer for the Small Pizzas.
“Everything kind of broke down there in the 8th,” said Small Pizza skipper Sherm Bumbry. “I thought that a strange haze seemed to issue forth from the air conditioning units and that it enveloped my players and made them suddenly incompetent. And then the hippie, of course. Once the inning was over, the haze seemed to dissipate and I noticed the hippie was hanging out by the railing, like they never even threw him out or anything. It’s something we’ll be taking up with the league.”
Attendance was reported as 25,342, 7 kids, 10 pets.
Fake Astronaut “Nick” Revealed as Balloons Owner
By Trenton Scisse
Baseball Beat Writer
File photo
Fake astronaut and noted space asshole “Nick” was revealed today to be the owner of the new PBA club “The Balloons”.
“We’ve been using Nick’s fortune to buy a great number of things,” stated a Balloons spokesman, who refused to be identified. “And we figured, let’s buy into baseball.”
“Nick”, who has been an owner in the Pondicherry Association Hockey League for four years, has not been heard from for months.
“He’s probably just wandering around somewhere,” said the spokesman, who alerted the press to a series of picnic tables piled high with unwrapped cold cuts, muffin pyramids and awkwardly-placed and poorly-restrained dips. “We haven’t had one of those odious little stories from him for quite awhile. Last we knew, he was heading out into the interior of some imagined mind planet.”
“The Balloons” open the season this afternoon against the Desert Vermilion Sands at Small Office Lamps Park.
Balloons Pound Bats in Final PBA Exhibition
By Trenton Scisse
Baseball Beat Writer
File photo
The Balloons pounded the Terrifying Bats yesterday in the final Pondicherry Baseball Association Division of Leagues exhibition contest at Contextual Concepts Park. The final was 31-3.
Denny Herrera was 5 for 6 with 2 doubles, a triple and 5 YES RBI’s for the Balloons and star lefthander Henry Entrance-Rocks hurled 4 scoreless frames before leaving due to injury. Bat owner Ric Royer, who was briefly in attendance, was somehow pleased with the clubs performance.
“I thought the quality was generally not there but that the buried spirit will emerge,” said Royer, who sat in the owner’s box with several illuminated snow village buildings. “The man that appeared suddenly from behind the deep unfathomable walls (relief pitcher Brock Pep) seemed to have difficulties with his personal constructed ethos (Pep allowed 14 earned runs in 2 innings) but otherwise I think we will analyse our findings based on paradigms that will become clear.”
Royer left after the fourth inning for reasons unclear. The owner of the Balloons has not yet been named and the club has refused all interviews.
“It was a tough day,” said Bat manager Jimmy “Apple-Cakes” Quizzler, who formerly was coach of the Bats hockey club. “Pep didn’t pitch well and then [Mitch] Jo-Williamson didn’t pitch well (11 earned runs in 2.2 innings) and we made 9 errors. We need to locate our pitches better and not keep putting them right down the middle of the plate and have them coming in really slow and without any movement whatsoever. It would also help if Pep and Williamson weren’t acknowledging the catcher’s signs by yelling the name of the pitch back to the catcher and then nodding. That would be helpful.” Quizzler kicked over a water cooler and, in the confusion, the interview was ended prematurely.
The regular season of the PBA will begin on Tuesday.
Meet the Players of the Pondicherry Baseball Association Division of Leagues
By Mike Poundberries
Outfielder, Mountain Area Redbirds
File photo
I was born and raised on Hoover Island and played in their league up until Lankville went prime time. Then, I got a nice 4-year contract offer from the Mountain Area Redbirds for $662 billion and so I signed there. The people of Hoover Island really hated that decision but I had to do what was best for me. I get a lot of hate mail.
Baseball is a funny game. You have to get out on the field and give 110% or at least about 75. Maybe 65 is passable. It’s all about giving your team a chance to win. You take advantage of what’s there and what’s not. You try to put a little pressure on the other team. After all, you can lead a horse to water but you can’t make him drink. That’s what baseball is like. You try to stay loose and stretched out. A lot of it is mental.
Poundberries’ Career Statistics
| Yr | Club | G | Ab | R | H | 2B | 3B | HR | RBI | SB | AVG |
| 10 | Hoover Island | 37 | 125 | 26 | 41 | 9 | 4 | 4 | 25 | 8 | .328 |
| 11 | Hoover Island | 127 | 453 | 78 | 126 | 30 | 9 | 9 | 57 | 18 | .278 |
| 12 | Hoover Island | 126 | 444 | 82 | 140 | 28 | 5 | 18 | 76 | 24 | .315 |
| 13 | Hoover Island | 12 | 46 | 8 | 13 | 0 | 2 | 1 | 5 | 0 | .283 |
Meet the Players of the Pondicherry Baseball Association Division of Leagues
By Oren Schrantz
Pitcher, Outer Depths Wipers
File photo
The first time I ever pitched was in the circus. I was no good then because I had no control.
I pitched for awhile in an independent sort of league. I don’t really care to talk about that.
Then, I made it to the Outer Depths Indoor League. Because I didn’t have a lot of experience, I pitched in relief. I was good for them. But then, unfortunately, some things happened and I ended up back in that independent league I was telling you about.
When the Outer Depths went big-league, they pulled some strings and got me out of that independent league.
So, that’s it. Whatever you want to make of it, man.
Schrantz’ Career Statistics
| Yr | Club | Won | Lost | ERA | Innings | Hits | Walks | Strikeouts | Saves |
| 07 | (Circus Team) | 5 | 5 | 4.26 | 123.2 | 141 | 52 | 55 | 0 |
| 08 | (Circus Team) | 2 | 7 | 5.11 | 82.1 | 135 | 51 | 20 | 1 |
| 09 | Lankville Penitentiary | 10 | 7 | 2.58 | 145.2 | 116 | 37 | 105 | 1 |
| 10 | Lankville Penitentiary | 12 | 6 | 2.54 | 152.0 | 121 | 50 | 126 | 1 |
| 11 | Lankville Penitentiary | 15 | 8 | 3.02 | 160.2 | 135 | 42 | 121 | 0 |
| 12 | Outer Depths (Indoor) | 5 | 4 | 2.87 | 86.1 | 54 | 22 | 57 | 8 |
| 13 | Lankville Penitentiary | 1 | 1 | 3.45 | 28.2 | 28 | 11 | 14 | 0 |
Meet the Players of the Pondicherry Baseball Association Division of Leagues
By John Pizzo
2nd Baseman, Outer Depths Wipers
File photo
I’m what you might possibly call a “catch and throw” guy. Always been able to handle the double-play ball, grounders that are nearby, pop-ups. I was a good hitter in high school but then I got to the Lankville Indoor League and I started to struggle a bit. Eventually, they just kind of stopped allowing me to hit. They kept me on the roster, they just never let me hit. Not in batting practice or anything. They even took all my bats away. The equipment manager said, “Sorry John. We’re not ordering any more bats for you. EVER.”
When the Outer Depths Wipers went from an Indoor club to a big-league club, I was signed pretty quick. They gave me a bat for this picture but then they took it away again. I think I’ve made the adjustments though and I predict I’ll be a good hitter once again. I think I can hit .300 even, maybe steal a few bases. They never let me steal bases either.
I look forward to playing outdoor ball at Depths Facial Tissue Plaza. It’s a beautiful facility. Wish I had a locker.
Pizzo’s Career Statistics
| Yr | Club | G | Ab | R | H | 2B | 3B | HR | RBI | SB | AVG |
| 09 | Outer Depths (Indoor) | 25 | 103 | 11 | 24 | 2 | 1 | 0 | 4 | 1 | .233 |
| 09 | Outer Depths (Indoor) | 124 | 403 | 32 | 91 | 8 | 0 | 0 | 15 | 1 | .226 |
| 10 | Outer Depths (Indoor) | 82 | 155 | 10 | 27 | 3 | 0 | 1 | 14 | 2 | .174 |
| 11 | Outer Depths (Indoor) | 55 | 51 | 4 | 11 | 1 | 0 | 0 | 0 | 1 | .216 |
| 12 | Outer Depths (Indoor) | 56 | 0 | 0 | 0 | 0 | 0 | 0 | 0 | 0 | – |
Oral Histories of Some Former Lankville Pugilists
Curt “High-Socks” Vogel (1967-1975, 33W-16L, 14KO)
Curt “High-Socks” Vogel today.
They used to put on these short movies and they’d have cartoons and then they’d roll out a boxing ring and I’d fight. Maybe 4, maybe 5 rounds. Got to be where I’d beat up pretty good on these guys they’d bring in so after awhile I got a manager name of Brisbane. It don’t matter what his first name was.
Brisbane would get me these fights they’d stage in hotel rooms. They’d rent a hotel room for a weekend and they’d bring a boxing ring in piece by piece by the back stairs. So, I did that awhile. Then Brisbane started getting me these fights in museums. They’d have some security guard that’d let us in and we’d set up a ring between a bunch of dinosaurs or something.
Finally, I said to Brisbane, “Look, whyn’t you get me a proper fight. Why are we always having these fights in these weird places?” He had no answer to that so I let him go. That’s when I turned professional.
My first legitimate fight was against Whitt. He was a great fighter, of course, a champion, but by then he was finished. I knocked him out in the 4th. A bunch of managers courted me after that and I got a lot of newspaper attention. I hooked up with Billy “Noodles” Sears and he got me a lot of big fights after that.
I was always willing to fight. I never feared nobody. But the champions, they wouldn’t fight me. Said I was dirty. I admit it now, I’d punch guys in the sack a lot. I’d usually do it real early in a fight before the ref could do anything about it. Usually, like ten seconds in. I knew they wouldn’t want to call a fight after ten seconds, so I’d usually just get a warning. I harmed a lot of guys that way though.
My last fight was in ’75 against Roog Yount. Roog was young then, real fast with a hell of an uppercut. He knocked me out in two rounds. So, I hung it up. I knew I was finished.
Ended up buying a little wood counter with a cubby hole for mail in back of it. I run a good business. It pays the bills.
Meet the Players of the Pondicherry Baseball Association Division of Leagues
By “Outfielder” Jones
Outfielder, Terrifying Bats
I never try to hit home runs. I can’t. I have no power whatsoever. One time, my high school coach said, “Outfielder, go sit over there on the bench. Sit way down at the end there so’s you’re almost falling off. Put part of your ass on the bench and the other part on that yellowing, moldy water cooler that’s been sitting on the ground so long that it’s sinking into the earth. Now, just stay like that for the rest of the game.” But now look at me. A major league baseball player with The Terrifying Bats.
I’ve spent the last few years playing in the Eastern Lankville Condensed League. It’s not really an official league, so I don’t have any stats for it but let’s just say I drove in 116 runs one year. That’s not bad for a condensed league. When the PBADL was formed, I was the first guy [owner] Mr. [Ric] Royer called. He told me to come out to a muddy field– they had a uniform, a bat and some gum waiting for me. The uniforms aren’t bad really.
I’m slated to start in center for the Bats tomorrow night. Mr. Royer called me especially. It seems like he’s taken a real interest in me even though half the time he seems to be talking about some kind of illuminated village and I’m not really sure what he means. But I’m all set. I plan to bunt. I plan to steal bases. I may make some catches.
It’s gonna be fun.
Jones’ Career Statistics
| Yr | Club | G | Ab | R | H | 2B | 3B | HR | RBI | SB | AVG |
| 08 | Johnson Dry Basements | 25 | 61 | 3 | 5 | 2 | 0 | 0 | 1 | 2 | .082 |
| 09 | Johnson Dry Basements | 3 | 3 | -2 | 0 | 0 | 0 | 0 | 0 | 0 | .000 |
| 10 | Gusseted-Bottom Shopping Bags | 15 | 7 | 1 | 1 | 0 | 0 | 1 | 1 | 0 | .143 |
Crisply Moving Bisons Edge Balloons in PBA Exhibition
By Trenton Scisse
Baseball Beat Writer
File photo
The Lankville Falls Crisply Moving Bisons edged The Balloons last night in the first Pondicherry Baseball Association Division of Leagues contest held at Ferdinand Buntz Memorial Park in Central Lankville City. The final score was 3-2. Attendance was reported as 992.
“Overall, I’d say we’re pleased,” noted Crisply Moving Bisons owner Shawn Meyer, brother of missing Plantain magnate Shane Meyer. “We failed to promote the event and it was raining and the field had not been manicured at all and was deeply rutted in places from where some hillbillies were riding those carts. But it was a spirited contest nonetheless.”
Leaves Fisk had 3 hits and 2 RBI for the Bisons and southpaw Randy-Caesar Maldonado pitched four scoreless frames. Shortstop Mel Delahanty homered for the Balloons.
“I thought it was great that there was some baseball again,” said Balloons fan Jerry Subbs, who followed an earlier incarnation of the franchise in the 1960s. “I mean, the evening was terribly marred by the fact that there was absolutely no food and that a lot of the players were clad in gym shorts but, hey, they’re just getting started.”
Subbs later perished when an enormous sinkhole suddenly opened in the earth. He was never found.
Exhibition action will continue this evening as the Outer Depths Wipers host the Vitiello Decorative Hams at Depths Facial Tissue Plaza.
ACCOMMODATIONS
When staying in the Area Beyond the Outlands, pick the Murray. Friendly, creative staff, delightful beds, curtains. Phone Far Outlands 5-6712.
LANKVILLE DAILY NEWS: IN BOOK FORM!
The book is gone. It will never return. We hear stories but they are likely false. We live in the woods now. We make fire with a lighter that we found in the street. It was crushed by a truck but, somehow, perhaps through some intervention that is beyond us, it still works. We are waiting. We are waiting.
Original Pondicherry Association News promotional advertisement (2009)
TONIGHT ON TV! RICHARD AND THE POSTMAN REUNION SPECIAL!
The Hit program from the 1970's returns to Lankville TV tonight on LBC!
ADULT ADVERTISEMENT
Women all over Lankville are just sitting at mammoth computers waiting to hear from men like you! Just insert a floppy disk, write a (non-sexual) message and let the sparks fly! (Computer not included).
ADVERTISEMENT
A Vitiello Decorative Ham makes a great gift. Show that you care today.
BANDED DUFFELS ON PALLETS
Assorted colors. Whatever you want to do, man. Call Lankville Falls, 3247.
BRIAN SCHROPP IN THE LANKVILLE DAILY NEWS
The most important cuisine articles ever written.
CANDY
Jipps Co. Full Service Candy Counter! Our alert girls will push gummy drops into special paper sheaths, engage in restrained pleasantries and explain chocholate-to-nougat ratios. Call Central Lankville 3614.
CAT PHOTO
In compliance with Lankville subsection 11:16-4.
CHAMBERS CO. HAND DRILLS: When Electricity is Not an Option
When electricity is not an option consider the Chambers Company hand crank drills. Perfect for use in tight spaces, on distant islands or for drilling holes in fences to see TITS. Call 4-2309.
EMPLOYMENT
Big Ed's BBQ Shack is looking for a part-time waitress. Someone who doesn't nose around and ask a lot of difficult questions. Call Lankville Rougher Area, 5-2100.
EMPLOYMENT
Nuts, Ah! is looking for an experienced nut-handler. Experience with bagging nuts also important. If you break the nut sack, the nuts will drop onto the floor. Come in person for application to Twin Removed Pines Mall. NO CALLS.
FOX FOR PARTIES
Hire the Poetry Fox for Your Child's Next Party. Reasonable rates. Writes poems, dances, will not stand for any shenanigans. Call South Lankville 2009.
The funny stories of Dick Oakes, Jr. have thrilled millions. Look for them today in The Lankville Daily News!
GELSINGER’S ALLURE CLUB
Topless, bottomless wonderland. Mysterious back rooms. Carpeted entirely in astroturf. NO CALLS.
GREBOV BROTHERS TELESCOPE COMPANY
The Grebov Brothers are Lankville's finest purveyor of telescopes for astronomy enthusiasts. Substantial 4.5" apertures and fast f/4 focal ratios provide bright, detailed views of solar system targets like the Moon and planets, as well as wide-field celestial objects like nebulas and star clusters but also TITS.
GUMP PENETRATES
Only in The Lankville Daily News
HADBAWNIK HAUNTED STAIRCASE COMPANY
The Hadbawnik Company is Lankville's #1 installer of haunted, brush-littered staircases. Friendly non-foreign staff! Call Western (Outer) Lankville, 2154 or 2198 today.
HADBAWNIK HAUNTED BRUSH PILES!
The Hadbawnik Haunted Staircase Company is now offering haunted brush piles for use on your staircase. Create eerie, supernal ambiance. Allow the brush to blow haphazardly in the wind, creates fear, foreboding. Call our friendly staff of white people at Western Lankville, 2154. Brush piles may contain other forms of yard debris.
HEY! WANT A MONKEY?
Hey! Want a live little monkey? They do cute things like climb into pumpkins. Call "The Captain"- Central Lankville Hills, 5264.
HOME DUMP Your Neighborhood Hardware Store 16 Lankville Locations!
Weekly Special: Primitive Forged Hooks. Buy 4, Get a Can of Paint. Or Maybe Not. You'll Just Have to Find Out.
INFLAMED BY STARS AND BLOOD
Lankville's Premier Science Fiction and Horror Magazine Now Appearing in The Lankville Daily News!
JOHNNY PADRES, OPTICIAN
Lankville has been relying on Dr. Johnny Padres for their optical needs since 1973. We offer a full service family eye care center and provide examinations for glasses and contacts and have a large display of designer, traditional and innovative eyewear for both regular prescription eyeglasses and sunglasses all of which will enable you to see TITS better. Call Lankville Business 2618-2.
LIFE LESSONS FUNERAL HOME
Life Lessons Funeral Home has been helping Lankville with dead people since 1932. Contact Eddie or Stummins, Lankville Business, 5-2161.
LOOK AT THESE BEAUTIES!
Really some of our best ever! Have you ever seen anything like it? Call Kelly (male) at Lankville Sound 2615.
MISSING
Missing: adult penguin. Christ, I just let him out in the yard for one minute and now he's gone. Responds to the name "Richard". Call Lankville Eastern Outlands, 5-6213.
NOW PLAYING!
The Unhinged: A New Film by Tom "Vapor" Rayford. Crisp Street Cinema, Eastern Lankville
PINEAPPLE CITY: A New Way of Being
Pineapple City is a new way of being, feeling and having your shirt off. Located in the distant, barren Lankville Pines, Pineapple City is now accepting applications for sheds. Call PINES, 2-5771.
THE PUZZLER
In the pie chart above, what segment represents a certain specific strata of the general population?
REAL ESTATE
Little shed for sale. With door, mailbox, dirt plot. Site of multiple murders but don't worry, they happened around back. To inquire, come to the shed. Go around back.
REAL ESTATE
Four acre lot in Eastern Lankville Cove Area. Price reduced! Site of a fireworks display in which several people fell out of their lawnchairs and died. Locals believe it haunted but that's crap. Call Cove 2751.
THE RECKONER EXACTRA 2.0 : A Danny Madison Product
It's Your Time: CALCULATE
SARAH SAMWAYS: CONTRIBUTING FEMALE
Exclusively in the Lankville Daily News (and some other papers).
SPEAKING ENGAGEMENT
Robin Brox will sit around and get progressively more intoxicated while listening to this other broad natter on about something. LANKVILLE REGIONAL AUDITORIUM, August 4, 11PM.
SPEAKING ENGAGEMENT CANCELED
The Dr. M. Chambers speech and candy-making event has been canceled again following Dr. Chambers' sudden collapse into some baskets. New date TBA
TRAVEL TIPS by Randy Hammers
The Kum Back Inn in the Lankville Desert Area has long been serving road-weary travelers. They feature a restaurant (with cocktails) and two spacious conference rooms. The Kum Back boasts 65 units-- each including window dressing, some chairs and a larger chair (seats two smallish children), a bed with orange comforter, a plastic trash can, clever paintings, and a windowless door. TV also available in 17 (sometimes 19) rooms. Most of the rooms are air-conditioned. Oscillating fans available upon request. Illuminated carports will protect your vehicle from the vicious sudden dust storms that often overtake the Desert Area and the wild thieves that occasionally parade across the landscape like some unmentionable horror. Call now at TU-0780 and ask for Bud or Karen (married).
UTILITY YARD SHEDS
The Lowinger Brothers offer great utility yard sheds at low prices. This one is haunted. Call Lankville Port Area 1072.
VACATION PACKAGES!
Spectacular vacations in campers by little mountains. Your cares will melt away but you will have to be careful of that shack (pictured). A lunatic lives there. Call Mercantile District 2711.
WRESTLING TONIGHT!
8PM, Southern Lankville Man-Arena. Featuring Ric "Wild Boy" Tipps (green trunks).
ZACH KEEBAUGH INVESTIGATIONS
Only in The Lankville Daily News
The Lankville Daily News 
LETTER SACK