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The Heartbreak of Alcoholism
Gump Tibbs
Important Opinions
My name is Gump Tibbs and I am an alcoholic.
Twelve simple words that, when placed together in a sentence, constitute a most profound confession. A confession not only to yourself but a confession to the world.
I have driven into hedges, through fences and into hammocks. Sometimes, the hammocks had people in them. Sometimes, people eating lunch. I have drunkenly driven tractors down highways, drunkenly stolen lawn gnomes from private yards. I have run over trash cans and then dragged them for miles and miles– entirely unaware that sparks were flying all around me, metal against blacktop.
And then dawn comes and with it, a renewed sense of purpose– a commitment to the tenets of sobriety, of rosy-cheeked probity and of ethical decency. The feeling is short-lived. I begin a debate with myself about the idea of time. Time as merely a state of mind. “Civilization decrees that 5:25 AM is “too early for beer,” I have convinced myself. And I have decided to rebel against such conventional wisdom. Five hours later, I would find myself offending patrons at a tire shop or driving into a house on a suburban street. And yet I always dreamed of a society free of the bondage of alcoholic beverages. A society where the sun shines always.
Recent studies suggest that 71% of the adult population of Lankville are alcoholics. Most of The Lankville Daily News staff are alcoholics. Our President is not an alcoholic but that, of course, is simply a factor of him being asleep most of the time.
There are over a million alcoholic beverages produced in our country and several million more items available at hardware stores. What chance does the poor soul have in this bacchic buffet? What chance, I ask you?
Join a Temperance Society, Kingdom Hall or yacht club today. Help combat the heartbreak of alcoholism.
The opinions of Gump Tibbs are not the opinions of The Lankville Daily News or any of its subsidiaries.
Funny Stories by Dick Oakes, Jr.
By Dick Oakes, Jr.
It was two in the morning when I woke with a start.
I didn’t know what it was. The Murray was quieter than hell. Then, suddenly, I heard it. Some kind of low moan coming from the back parking lot followed by a high-pitched slow squeak.
There was a little bit of the gin left on the nightstand and I finished it off.
Go back to bed Oakes.
But I was up now. I threw on a pair of shorts and went down the back staircase. Tibbs hadn’t even bothered to put a light on. I had to feel my way down four floors.
A dim hallway led to the rear door. I passed the kitchen and the laundry– both had a stillness to them that bothered me but I couldn’t make nothing of it. I reached the door and threw it open.
Tibbs was out there in his white suit, drenched in sweat. His back was to me.
“What do you say there, Tibbs?”
He turned. He was terrified, there was no getting around it. There was some kind of an inflatable beach ball between his legs and a bicycle pump in one of his hands.
“Mr. Oakes,” he said in a voice not his own. He was breathing heavily. “I have, tonight, reached the seventh emanation of the divine hierarchy between Earth and the Godhead.”
I watched the sweat pour off his face and spot the white suit.
Tibbs, Sr.
“Each of the twenty-two letters of the ancient Lankvillian alphabet have their own number and are added together in words to make metaphorical sympathy, you understand, Oakes.” He bent over suddenly and squeezed the beach ball between his knees. That was the high-pitched slow squeak, I realized.
“It’s nearly there now, Oakes. Nearly to the…”
He exhaled a series of increasingly urgent breaths.
“Nearly to the eighth emanation.”
He bent over and used the bicycle pump on the beach ball until it was full. Then, he held it up to the pale moonlight. The pump fell to the ground.
“Here. Here. Take it.”
He stretched the ball towards the sky.
“Take it. Please. Please take it.”
He must have stood like that for five minutes.
Finally, he dropped the ball.
“It’s not to happen tonight.”
He bent to one knee and began sobbing. Then, he stood up and angrily threw the pump over into the next yard.
I slipped back to my room.
Drunken Reporter Gump Tibbs Arrested on Riding Mower
By Patt Higher-Watts
Lankville Daily News columnist Gump Tibbs was arrested last night, sources are confirming.
Police used a rope to secure the combative 52-year-old Tibbs whose blood-alcohol content was nearly five times the legal limit as he drove a lawn tractor and carried a box of beer along the Deep Eastern Suburban thruway, court documents state.
Tibbs is also being charged with several counts of trespassing after it was reported that he weaved his Neptune Cadet lawn tractor across several nearby lawns.
Police were alerted to Tibbs’ behavior around 11 p.m.
Detective Gee-Temple, who was the first to arrive at the scene, saw Tibbs standing in the road holding a box of beer. “Mr. Tipps [sic] had left the tractor running along the road and was attempting to disengage a beer from the cardboard box.”
Gee-Temple could smell alcohol on Tibbs and observed him stumble as he walked, according to court documents. Tibbs, who had slurred and slow speech, told Gee-Temple he was driving the lawn mower to a friend’s house.
Tibbs in Trouble
“He was wearing his customary white suit but it was just splattered with grass stains and beer,” the intrepid detective noted.
Gee-Temple then said that Tibbs became uncooperative and combative, failed to comply with the trooper’s commands, and was taken into custody after two other officers arrived, according to court documents.
“He called me some lewd, offensive names,” said Gee-Temple. “We don’t cater much to that sort of behavior.”
Tibbs had to be carried to the state police cruiser. The tractor was impounded.
Upon leaving the state police station to be transported to the Deep Eastern Suburban Memorial Jail, Tibbs continued to be aggressive, police said. He indicated that Gee-Temple better watch his back and said, “I am going to bury you.”
Tibbs has been charged with driving while under the influence of alcohol, disorderly conduct, public drunkenness, not having a registration and certificate of title, lewd language and threatening an officer.
The News had not issued a statement as of this morning.
Gump Penetrates
Gump Tibbs
It’s time for another penetrating interview with Gump Tibbs. Today, Gump interviews Lankville business magnate and thesbian [sic] Ric Royer.
GT: So, you’re having a little pageant coming up?
RR: Have you ever had anything happen to you? I mean REALLY happen to you? Have you lost a wife? Have you ever wrecked someone in a brawl? Have you ever eaten so much that you go, “boy I’m so full”, and then you fall asleep? Well that’s what I’m all about. Not “little pageants”, as you say. So unless you want to sit here and slit open your heart to let me hear your flaws, your fears, your thoughts about intercourse and your history with jail, and so on, then I suggest you start referring to my upcoming project as “epic theatre”, not “little pageant”. Are we clear?
GT: What a delight! Do you think the world needs more epic theatre pageants? And why?
RR: We need more children in the world. Next question.
GT: Absolutely fantastic! Is the epic theatre pageant scary?
RR: Once I spent all night with a gun to my head. You know who was holding that gun. Let’s just say he’s in the room right now.
Ric Royer
GT: Are you accusing me –
RR: No, it was me. I wanted to scare myself, I wanted to piss myself so hard that I would never forget. Like a scar of piss. To this day I use that fear in my work. Even when I write soft and lighthearted scenes, I bring in the fear like a black hood to put over those scenes, and throw them in the trunk of horror, taking those delightful scenes on a harrowing ride. And then I exhale.
GT: What is theatre?
RR: It’s the big leagues of life. That’s how I like to think of it. If you’re just living, you know, banking or cooking or having intercourse or maybe you’re in jail, then those things are just what I call “Dimension 1 Reality”. It’s just being, and anyone can do that. Even the moribund or extremely wimpy among us can accomplish “being”. But only those who master the dramatic arts, those who can perform “being being”, or Dimensions 2-4, are in the big leagues of life. It’s much harder, hence the name “big leagues”.
GT: What are some of your favorite theatres?
RR: My favorite theatres are the Winston Buchanan (haunted), Downtown Actor’s Fancy, and Sensational Mons Island Arena (swallowed by earth). No more, no less.
GT: What an affair this has been! Is there an area behind the theatre where we can shoot some guns off?
RR: Very funny, Gump. You know what, you smell very strongly of hydrogen-peroxide. And I’ve wanted to end this interview since the first question, but I didn’t because I looked around and noticed there are no doors in this room. The only room I’ve ever been in that didn’t have a door was the outside. So I’m really not sure how I even got here. But I’d really like to leave.
Gump Penetrates
Gump Tibbs
It’s time for another penetrating interview with Gump Tibbs. Today, Gump interviews Dick Oakes, Jr., Lankville Daily News columnist and author of the bestselling short-story collection No Merit in It.
GT: So, you have that little area in the paper where you write about some of your exciting adventures?
DO: Yeah. I mean, I don’t know how exciting they are. My life is a sort of hell, Gump.
GT: Marvelous! And you’ve just released a new manual?
DO: It’s a collection of short stories.
GT: What an amazing endeavor! What is the manual about?
DO: I don’t know, Gump. Fer chrissakes.
GT: Such a delight! Will you be releasing any more manuals?
DO: Yeah, I guess. I got a trunk somewhere with a bunch of stories in it. Might be in a locker down at the bus station. Damned if I know where the key is.
Dick Oakes, Jr.
GT: Sounds like a cat’s pajamas!
DO: The cat’s pajama’s?
GT: Really fabulous! Let’s move on to sports. You like wrestling?
DO: Yeah, I mean, it’s fine. Hell, they get a couple of big corn-fed girls in a small motel room and a lot of things can happen. Who can figure on any of it? Does anybody really give a damn? Tell me, Gump, does anybody give a damn?
GT: A remarkable endeavor! I’m going to fire some guns into some small bushes. Want to come along?
DO: Skip it.
Tibbs bounced away and the interview was ended prematurely.
Gump Penetrates
Gump Tibbs
It’s time for another penetrating interview with Gump Tibbs. Today, Gump interviews Scott, Pizza-A-Round manager and author of the bestselling “The Pizza Trade”.
GUMP: So, Scott, you have that little area in the paper where they talked about your new book?
S: Yeah man, that goofy employee of mine who writes about food and all that shit is helping me get the word out. He put out his own book recently which was a hit. I thought if someone that awkward with so little real life experience can make it work so could I. Three honest to fuckin’ God true stories, ‘The Trade’,’The Love’,and ‘The Passion’. Aren’t those titles like some damn poetry or somethin’?
GUMP: What a wonderful thing! Do you often write books?
S: Not so much writing, I just talk about my life and the business while Bri records it on one of those micro tape things. He then goes home and writes it all up on some fuckin’ computer program. Me, I ain’t got time to write it all down and shit. Bri really doesn’t mind doing the work and really loves it when I talk about the old days of the pizza trade. I think he likes to live through me in the stories. Sorta like how a poodle sees an alpha male wolf and thinks ‘shit man, I really want to be like that.’
GUMP: Such a pleasure! Is it hard to write books?
S: No way man, once the drink starts flowing and I’m in the backseat of my Neptune with some sweet trailer honey, everything I’m going to tell Bri the next day just sorta comes to me. It also helps smoking a few joints and having 103.5 ‘The Hammer’ cranked up. What a kick ass station, best damn bands.
Scott relaxing at home.
GUMP: What a delight! What is it like running a pharmacy? And why?
S: What the fuck are you talking about?
GUMP: Oh, my! Do you think your book will make people like pizza more?
S: I say it in the book and it’s so goddamn true, it’s a very rough business to be in. Most people have no clue what goes on and would probably shit themselves if they had to be in my shoes. I only hope my book shows how true I am to the business and that if you are going to order from the ‘Pizza-A-Round’ you will be getting a halfway decent pie.
GUMP: How exciting! If a customer dropped his pizza on the floor, would you give him another?
S: Depends if the dude has any more money. Ain’t got time for tears or refunds.
GUMP: Have you ever been mad and punched a pizza?
S: I’ve punched many faces but never a pizza. A pizza is a very sacred thing. I once had some joker work for me who thought he was the shit. Anyway, he lost his cool during a dinner rush and I could tell by the look in his eyes that he was thinking about punching a pizza he was making. Choked the motherfucker out before it got that far.
GUMP: Sensational! I’m going to fire some guns into a hill. Want to join me?
S: You gotta do what floats your fuckin’ boat. I got a hot one and a bottle of whiskey waiting for me in the back of my car. See ya’ around!
Gump Penetrates
Gump Tibbs
It’s time for another penetrating interview with Gump Tibbs. Today, Gump interviews Lankville Daily News correspondent and Men’s Feelings Expert Dr. Kevin Thurston.
GUMP: So, Dr. Thurston, you have that little area in the paper where you write about men’s feelings?
KT: Thank you, Mister Fump. I do, occasionally, have an area where I write about how to reach inward so that eventually they can reach outward. However, I no longer believe in paper, so I only read online. That is to say, I’m not sure how much area I have in square inches.
GUMP: Absolutely wonderful! Do all men have feelings?
Dr. Thurston (left) with the men’s.
KT: If you think of a number, men have at least that many feelings. If you think of a number, or perhaps a price is a better word, I will beat it. For example, on a leading national online retailer there is an exercise ball that is rated up to 2000lbs with a pump for $21.83. Not only is 2000lbs worth of feelings plenty of feelings, but it becomes even easier to unload your feelings on an exercise ball when you are paying $19.78.
GUMP: That’s just fabulous! Do women have feelings? And why?
KT:
GUMP: What a delight! Can feelings be passed on? Is that what ghosts are?
KT: There is a cycle that can occur from one man to another. Often the other man will be a son, but a neighboring boy will do.
GUMP: How do you see men’s feelings in 20 years time?
KT: Why, Mister Frump, feelings are an abstract concept, you can’t see them!
GUMP: Just exceptional! I hope we’re all alive in 20 years. Do you think we will be?
KT: On a long enough timeline, the survival rate for everyone drops to zero.
GUMP: Sensational! I’m going to fire some guns into the reservoir– want to come along?
KT: I have a great deal on some ammunitions.
Meet the Reporters of The Lankville Daily News
Gump Tibbs
My first interview was with Coach Keebler of the Lankville Juniors (Smaller) Hockey Club. He ignored all my hockey questions and started right in on a 1,000-piece jigsaw puzzle that you could order that had your own picture on it. “You can get these god damn things for a song, like under $20, I’m talking,” he said. “I elected to use an old army picture.” There was a long, seemingly meaningless pause. I had no idea what to say.
Then he started encouraging me to get one. “Course, the only thing is it takes about eight weeks, so I can’t exactly comment on the quality just yet. But I’m sure it’ll be fine. I mean, can you even imagine such a thing? A jigsaw puzzle with your own god damn picture on it?”
He looked me up and down then. I was just out of college and could only muster a reasonably clean white shirt, a gravy-stained tie and some basketball shorts.
“Let me buy you some clothes,” he said. “Help you get on your feet.” And he led me over to a church thrift store where he picked out a couple of suits, one Island. “I won’t lie to you,” the cashier said. “Some guy died in one of these. But I’ve forgotten which.” Coach Keebler bought them anyway.
And then, very quietly, he himself began to die. I could see it coming—it was slow, deliberate. Then, very suddenly, he collapsed into a stack of board games. Pieces flew everywhere.
I never wrote up that interview. But the suits got me on my way.
Gump Tibbs has been covering life in Lankville since 1982.
Gump Penetrates
By Gump Tibbs
It’s time for another penetrating interview with Gump Tibbs. Today, Gump interviews cuisine columnist Brian Schropp.
GT: So, Bri, you have that little column in the paper where you write about foods?
BS: Indeed I do!! I’m trying to get out and review as many places as possible but certain circumstances make it hard. I’ve been told by certain family members that I’m a “nightmare behind the wheel”, so I stopped trying to get a regular license. I do have a “Lankville Semi-Provisional Scooter License” but my scooter keeps getting stolen by neighborhood ne’er-do-wells (or sometimes super squirrels). My good friend Trucker Joe gives me a lift here and there if he isn’t “big riggin'” down the Interstates. I’m trying to review all the hot spots readers might not of heard about yet. Well, either brand new popular spots or places that have some sort of breakfast sandwich or nacho cheese or canned meat option. Well, now that I think about it maybe not so much new and popular places, just places with the other stuff.
GT: Absolutely fascinating! Do you eat all kinds of foods?
Brian Schropp: “I Eat What I Personally Call “The New Suburban Soul Food”.
BS: I eat what I personally call the “new suburban soul food.” In particular, breakfast sandwiches and all their endless delightful possibilities. Something about eating them brings peace to my otherwise “raging, explosively-unbalanced soul”.
GT: How many foods [sic] groups are there?
BS: So many!! In the breakfast sandwich biscuit group alone you have many sub-groups. Tender (my personal favorite), frozen, fresh frozen, organic, high-rising, low-rising, International and then some of those sub-groups have their own sub-groups. Trying to wrap your head around them all can be as challenging as high school algebra (or so I hear– I graduated by completing business math). I guess that’s why you have food critics like myself, to help make sense of it all.
GT: You always say “Happy Eating” at the end of your articles. Do you think there are people who are unhappy?
BS: I think we all sit in our “basement apartments” and cry wearing only our boxer shorts sometimes.
GT: Do you think these unhappy people would be happier if they were eating? And why?
BS: I truly believe Gump that people who eat what I call “new suburban soul food” can lift their minds and spirits out of the dark places. Some people need to worship gods or use charms and crystals, you know all that new-agey type of stuff. But are they really fulfilled? Are they really one with the cosmos? I’ve achieved that and more just on nacho cheese alone.
GT: Really terrific. You have a lot of exciting adventures. Do you want to go fire some guns into the woods?
BS: Can we shoot them off in the woods behind Hank Cameron’s (Manager of Foodville) house? He gets really freaked out when myself and members of the BSU (Breakfast Sandwich Underground) blow stuff up back there.
(The two men suddenly darted off and the interview was ended prematurely).
An Interview with Weatherman Jack Quintz
By Gump Tibbs
Gump Tibbs recently had a chance to sit down with Lankville Daily News meteorologist Jack Quintz.
Lankville Daily News meteorologist Jack Quintz.
GT: You have that little area in the paper where you report on the weather?
JQ: Yeah, I’ve been doing it for years. It’s fine.
GT: Fascinating. Do you like the weather?
JQ: It’s fine. It’s alright.
GT: Do you feel like you have some special insight on the weather?
JQ: We have these radar maps. It requires slight interpretation. It’s alright.
GT: What about when weather is insane and spooky?
JQ: The weather can be unpredictable.
GT: Like when your cousin took your gun and killed all those people?
JQ: What?
GT: Alright. Great. I’ll look for your column next time.
The interview suddenly ended.
ACCOMMODATIONS
When staying in the Area Beyond the Outlands, pick the Murray. Friendly, creative staff, delightful beds, curtains. Phone Far Outlands 5-6712.
LANKVILLE DAILY NEWS: IN BOOK FORM!
The book is gone. It will never return. We hear stories but they are likely false. We live in the woods now. We make fire with a lighter that we found in the street. It was crushed by a truck but, somehow, perhaps through some intervention that is beyond us, it still works. We are waiting. We are waiting.
Original Pondicherry Association News promotional advertisement (2009)
TONIGHT ON TV! RICHARD AND THE POSTMAN REUNION SPECIAL!
The Hit program from the 1970's returns to Lankville TV tonight on LBC!
ADULT ADVERTISEMENT
Women all over Lankville are just sitting at mammoth computers waiting to hear from men like you! Just insert a floppy disk, write a (non-sexual) message and let the sparks fly! (Computer not included).
ADVERTISEMENT
A Vitiello Decorative Ham makes a great gift. Show that you care today.
BANDED DUFFELS ON PALLETS
Assorted colors. Whatever you want to do, man. Call Lankville Falls, 3247.
BRIAN SCHROPP IN THE LANKVILLE DAILY NEWS
The most important cuisine articles ever written.
CANDY
Jipps Co. Full Service Candy Counter! Our alert girls will push gummy drops into special paper sheaths, engage in restrained pleasantries and explain chocholate-to-nougat ratios. Call Central Lankville 3614.
CAT PHOTO
In compliance with Lankville subsection 11:16-4.
CHAMBERS CO. HAND DRILLS: When Electricity is Not an Option
When electricity is not an option consider the Chambers Company hand crank drills. Perfect for use in tight spaces, on distant islands or for drilling holes in fences to see TITS. Call 4-2309.
EMPLOYMENT
Big Ed's BBQ Shack is looking for a part-time waitress. Someone who doesn't nose around and ask a lot of difficult questions. Call Lankville Rougher Area, 5-2100.
EMPLOYMENT
Nuts, Ah! is looking for an experienced nut-handler. Experience with bagging nuts also important. If you break the nut sack, the nuts will drop onto the floor. Come in person for application to Twin Removed Pines Mall. NO CALLS.
FOX FOR PARTIES
Hire the Poetry Fox for Your Child's Next Party. Reasonable rates. Writes poems, dances, will not stand for any shenanigans. Call South Lankville 2009.
The funny stories of Dick Oakes, Jr. have thrilled millions. Look for them today in The Lankville Daily News!
GELSINGER’S ALLURE CLUB
Topless, bottomless wonderland. Mysterious back rooms. Carpeted entirely in astroturf. NO CALLS.
GREBOV BROTHERS TELESCOPE COMPANY
The Grebov Brothers are Lankville's finest purveyor of telescopes for astronomy enthusiasts. Substantial 4.5" apertures and fast f/4 focal ratios provide bright, detailed views of solar system targets like the Moon and planets, as well as wide-field celestial objects like nebulas and star clusters but also TITS.
GUMP PENETRATES
Only in The Lankville Daily News
HADBAWNIK HAUNTED STAIRCASE COMPANY
The Hadbawnik Company is Lankville's #1 installer of haunted, brush-littered staircases. Friendly non-foreign staff! Call Western (Outer) Lankville, 2154 or 2198 today.
HADBAWNIK HAUNTED BRUSH PILES!
The Hadbawnik Haunted Staircase Company is now offering haunted brush piles for use on your staircase. Create eerie, supernal ambiance. Allow the brush to blow haphazardly in the wind, creates fear, foreboding. Call our friendly staff of white people at Western Lankville, 2154. Brush piles may contain other forms of yard debris.
HEY! WANT A MONKEY?
Hey! Want a live little monkey? They do cute things like climb into pumpkins. Call "The Captain"- Central Lankville Hills, 5264.
HOME DUMP Your Neighborhood Hardware Store 16 Lankville Locations!
Weekly Special: Primitive Forged Hooks. Buy 4, Get a Can of Paint. Or Maybe Not. You'll Just Have to Find Out.
INFLAMED BY STARS AND BLOOD
Lankville's Premier Science Fiction and Horror Magazine Now Appearing in The Lankville Daily News!
JOHNNY PADRES, OPTICIAN
Lankville has been relying on Dr. Johnny Padres for their optical needs since 1973. We offer a full service family eye care center and provide examinations for glasses and contacts and have a large display of designer, traditional and innovative eyewear for both regular prescription eyeglasses and sunglasses all of which will enable you to see TITS better. Call Lankville Business 2618-2.
LIFE LESSONS FUNERAL HOME
Life Lessons Funeral Home has been helping Lankville with dead people since 1932. Contact Eddie or Stummins, Lankville Business, 5-2161.
LOOK AT THESE BEAUTIES!
Really some of our best ever! Have you ever seen anything like it? Call Kelly (male) at Lankville Sound 2615.
MISSING
Missing: adult penguin. Christ, I just let him out in the yard for one minute and now he's gone. Responds to the name "Richard". Call Lankville Eastern Outlands, 5-6213.
NOW PLAYING!
The Unhinged: A New Film by Tom "Vapor" Rayford. Crisp Street Cinema, Eastern Lankville
PINEAPPLE CITY: A New Way of Being
Pineapple City is a new way of being, feeling and having your shirt off. Located in the distant, barren Lankville Pines, Pineapple City is now accepting applications for sheds. Call PINES, 2-5771.
THE PUZZLER
In the pie chart above, what segment represents a certain specific strata of the general population?
REAL ESTATE
Little shed for sale. With door, mailbox, dirt plot. Site of multiple murders but don't worry, they happened around back. To inquire, come to the shed. Go around back.
REAL ESTATE
Four acre lot in Eastern Lankville Cove Area. Price reduced! Site of a fireworks display in which several people fell out of their lawnchairs and died. Locals believe it haunted but that's crap. Call Cove 2751.
THE RECKONER EXACTRA 2.0 : A Danny Madison Product
It's Your Time: CALCULATE
SARAH SAMWAYS: CONTRIBUTING FEMALE
Exclusively in the Lankville Daily News (and some other papers).
SPEAKING ENGAGEMENT
Robin Brox will sit around and get progressively more intoxicated while listening to this other broad natter on about something. LANKVILLE REGIONAL AUDITORIUM, August 4, 11PM.
SPEAKING ENGAGEMENT CANCELED
The Dr. M. Chambers speech and candy-making event has been canceled again following Dr. Chambers' sudden collapse into some baskets. New date TBA
TRAVEL TIPS by Randy Hammers
The Kum Back Inn in the Lankville Desert Area has long been serving road-weary travelers. They feature a restaurant (with cocktails) and two spacious conference rooms. The Kum Back boasts 65 units-- each including window dressing, some chairs and a larger chair (seats two smallish children), a bed with orange comforter, a plastic trash can, clever paintings, and a windowless door. TV also available in 17 (sometimes 19) rooms. Most of the rooms are air-conditioned. Oscillating fans available upon request. Illuminated carports will protect your vehicle from the vicious sudden dust storms that often overtake the Desert Area and the wild thieves that occasionally parade across the landscape like some unmentionable horror. Call now at TU-0780 and ask for Bud or Karen (married).
UTILITY YARD SHEDS
The Lowinger Brothers offer great utility yard sheds at low prices. This one is haunted. Call Lankville Port Area 1072.
VACATION PACKAGES!
Spectacular vacations in campers by little mountains. Your cares will melt away but you will have to be careful of that shack (pictured). A lunatic lives there. Call Mercantile District 2711.
WRESTLING TONIGHT!
8PM, Southern Lankville Man-Arena. Featuring Ric "Wild Boy" Tipps (green trunks).
ZACH KEEBAUGH INVESTIGATIONS
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LETTER SACK