The Lankville Daily News

By Trenton Scisse
Baseball Beat Writer

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Fake astronaut and noted space asshole “Nick” was revealed today to be the owner of the new PBA club “The Balloons”.

“We’ve been using Nick’s fortune to buy a great number of things,” stated a Balloons spokesman, who refused to be identified.  “And we figured, let’s buy into baseball.”

“Nick”, who has been an owner in the Pondicherry Association Hockey League for four years, has not been heard from for months.

“He’s probably just wandering around somewhere,” said the spokesman, who alerted the press to a series of picnic tables piled high with unwrapped cold cuts, muffin pyramids and awkwardly-placed and poorly-restrained dips.  “We haven’t had one of those odious little stories from him for quite awhile.  Last we knew, he was heading out into the interior of some imagined mind planet.”

“The Balloons” open the season this afternoon against the Desert Vermilion Sands at Small Office Lamps Park.

By Trenton Scisse
Baseball Beat Writer

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The Balloons pounded the Terrifying Bats yesterday in the final Pondicherry Baseball Association Division of Leagues exhibition contest at Contextual Concepts Park.  The final was 31-3.

Denny Herrera was 5 for 6 with 2 doubles, a triple and 5 YES RBI’s for the Balloons and star lefthander Henry Entrance-Rocks hurled 4 scoreless frames before leaving due to injury.  Bat owner Ric Royer, who was briefly in attendance, was somehow pleased with the clubs performance.

“I thought the quality was generally not there but that the buried spirit will emerge,” said Royer, who sat in the owner’s box with several illuminated snow village buildings.  “The man that appeared suddenly from behind the deep unfathomable walls (relief pitcher Brock Pep) seemed to have difficulties with his personal constructed ethos (Pep allowed 14 earned runs in 2 innings) but otherwise I think we will analyse our findings based on paradigms that will become clear.”

Royer left after the fourth inning for reasons unclear.  The owner of the Balloons has not yet been named and the club has refused all interviews.

“It was a tough day,” said Bat manager Jimmy “Apple-Cakes” Quizzler, who formerly was coach of the Bats hockey club.  “Pep didn’t pitch well and then [Mitch] Jo-Williamson didn’t pitch well (11 earned runs in 2.2 innings) and we made 9 errors.  We need to locate our pitches better and not keep putting them right down the middle of the plate and have them coming in really slow and without any movement whatsoever.  It would also help if Pep and Williamson weren’t acknowledging the catcher’s signs by yelling the name of the pitch back to the catcher and then nodding.  That would be helpful.”  Quizzler kicked over a water cooler and, in the confusion, the interview was ended prematurely.

The regular season of the PBA will begin on Tuesday.

By Mike Poundberries
Outfielder, Mountain Area Redbirds

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I was born and raised on Hoover Island and played in their league up until Lankville went prime time.  Then, I got a nice 4-year contract offer from the Mountain Area Redbirds for $662 billion and so I signed there.  The people of Hoover Island really hated that decision but I had to do what was best for me.  I get a lot of hate mail.

Baseball is a funny game.  You have to get out on the field and give 110% or at least about 75.  Maybe 65 is passable.  It’s all about giving your team a chance to win.  You take advantage of what’s there and what’s not.  You try to put a little pressure on the other team.  After all, you can lead a horse to water but you can’t make him drink.  That’s what baseball is like.  You try to stay loose and stretched out.  A lot of it is mental.

Poundberries’ Career Statistics

By Oren Schrantz
Pitcher, Outer Depths Wipers

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The first time I ever pitched was in the circus. I was no good then because I had no control.

I pitched for awhile in an independent sort of league. I don’t really care to talk about that.

Then, I made it to the Outer Depths Indoor League. Because I didn’t have a lot of experience, I pitched in relief. I was good for them. But then, unfortunately, some things happened and I ended up back in that independent league I was telling you about.

When the Outer Depths went big-league, they pulled some strings and got me out of that independent league.

So, that’s it.  Whatever you want to make of it, man.

Schrantz’ Career Statistics

By John Pizzo
2nd Baseman, Outer Depths Wipers

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I’m what you might possibly call a “catch and throw” guy.  Always been able to handle the double-play ball, grounders that are nearby, pop-ups.  I was a good hitter in high school but then I got to the Lankville Indoor League and I started to struggle a bit.  Eventually, they just kind of stopped allowing me to hit.  They kept me on the roster, they just never let me hit.  Not in batting practice or anything.  They even took all my bats away.  The equipment manager said, “Sorry John.  We’re not ordering any more bats for you.  EVER.”

When the Outer Depths Wipers went from an Indoor club to a big-league club, I was signed pretty quick.  They gave me a bat for this picture but then they took it away again.  I think I’ve made the adjustments though and I predict I’ll be a good hitter once again.  I think I can hit .300 even, maybe steal a few bases.  They never let me steal bases either.

I look forward to playing outdoor ball at Depths Facial Tissue Plaza.  It’s a beautiful facility.  Wish I had a locker.

Pizzo’s Career Statistics

By “Outfielder” Jones
Outfielder, Terrifying Bats

I never try to hit home runs.  I can’t.  I have no power whatsoever.  One time, my high school coach said, “Outfielder, go sit over there on the bench.  Sit way down at the end there so’s you’re almost falling off.  Put part of your ass on the bench and the other part on that yellowing, moldy water cooler that’s been sitting on the ground so long that it’s sinking into the earth.  Now, just stay like that for the rest of the game.”  But now look at me.  A major league baseball player with The Terrifying Bats.

I’ve spent the last few years playing in the Eastern Lankville Condensed League.  It’s not really an official league, so I don’t have any stats for it but let’s just say I drove in 116 runs one year.  That’s not bad for a condensed league.  When the PBADL was formed, I was the first guy [owner] Mr. [Ric] Royer called.  He told me to come out to a muddy field– they had a uniform, a bat and some gum waiting for me.  The uniforms aren’t bad really.

I’m slated to start in center for the Bats tomorrow night.  Mr. Royer called me especially.  It seems like he’s taken a real interest in me even though half the time he seems to be talking about some kind of illuminated village and I’m not really sure what he means.  But I’m all set.  I plan to bunt.  I plan to steal bases.  I may make some catches.

It’s gonna be fun.

Jones’ Career Statistics

By Trenton Scisse
Baseball Beat Writer

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The Lankville Falls Crisply Moving Bisons edged The Balloons last night in the first Pondicherry Baseball Association Division of Leagues contest held at Ferdinand Buntz Memorial Park in Central Lankville City.  The final score was 3-2.  Attendance was reported as 992.

“Overall, I’d say we’re pleased,” noted Crisply Moving Bisons owner Shawn Meyer, brother of missing Plantain magnate Shane Meyer.  “We failed to promote the event and it was raining and the field had not been manicured at all and was deeply rutted in places from where some hillbillies were riding those carts.  But it was a spirited contest nonetheless.”

Leaves Fisk had 3 hits and 2 RBI for the Bisons and southpaw Randy-Caesar Maldonado pitched four scoreless frames.  Shortstop Mel Delahanty homered for the Balloons.

“I thought it was great that there was some baseball again,” said Balloons fan Jerry Subbs, who followed an earlier incarnation of the franchise in the 1960s.  “I mean, the evening was terribly marred by the fact that there was absolutely no food and that a lot of the players were clad in gym shorts but, hey, they’re just getting started.”

Subbs later perished when an enormous sinkhole suddenly opened in the earth.  He was never found.

Exhibition action will continue this evening as the Outer Depths Wipers host the Vitiello Decorative Hams at Depths Facial Tissue Plaza.

By Lance Pepsid
Special Fashion Correspondent

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Chris Vitiello sat down with The Pondicherry Association News to discuss his new baseball club, The Vitiello Decorative Hams.

CV: Your appearance at a sports interview is a continuing grievous enigma, Mr. Pepsid.
LP: Let’s talk about the Pondicherry Baseball Association Division of Leagues.
CV: Lankville has not had professional baseball for quite some time. We saw a need and we filled that need. Nothing more to discuss.
LP: Where will your club play?
CV: Vitiello Decorative Hams Arena was originally designed to house football and baseball in addition to hockey. You should know that.
LP: What will the new logo look like?
CV(long, impatient pause): What is the name of our club, Mr. Pepsid?
LP: I didn’t know if…
CV: If, what, Mr. Pepsid?
LP: Maybe a ham with a bat…or…
CV: If you could stand up Mr. Pepsid and launch your folding chair in the direction of the wall, please…

Mr. Pepsid slowly did as instructed and was then whipped mercilessly.

By Grady Kitchens
Senior Staff Writer

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It was announced early this morning that the Pondicherry Baseball Association Division of Leagues has been founded.  Multiple sources are confirming.

The league, founded secretly last week, has established ownership in twelve areas, including The Depths, Hoover Island and the Eastern Wooded Area.

The league released the following chart of current clubs:

Hockey owners Ric Royer, Chris Vitiello, “Inner Hammer” and island monarch Aaron Hoover are believed to have    purchased franchises.

A press conference is expected later this afternoon.

By Dick Oakes, Jr.
Senior Staff Writer

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Stamps GM and island monarch Aaron Tucker reflected on his inaugural season in the Pondicherry Association today during a brunch meeting with several journalists.

“As you all know, Mr. Oakes is a clothed,” he began by way of introduction, referring to my collared-shirt, pants, shoes and socks.  “He has not yet embraced our legacy of nudity.  He does not yet understand it.”

The other journalists, all naked, chortled happily.

“When I look at you men and women of the press, I see goodwill,” noted Tucker as a nude waiter produced a cart of pastries and coffee tureens.  “I don’t see, as Mr. Oakes undoubtedly does, mere flabby Mamma tits or engorged sacks or a series of voluminous cabooses, squeaking strangely, almost eerily against the poly-vinyl seating with each tiny, nigh-imperceptible bodily movement.  No, this is the fundamental difference in our worldviews.  This is why the worldview of Lankville is essentially a constructionist ontology that…”

I interrupt.  “Can we move off the whole nudity thing?” I ask politely.

There is an awkward silence.  Tucker suddenly shoves a pastry into his mouth and several Hoover Island scribes make notes.

Finished, Tucker discusses his expansion club, who finished 5th for the 2012-13 season.

“Many, most of our players are Lankvillians.  As you all know, at the end of the campaign, we brought up a Hoover Island native– a man called Tuffet.  Tuffet was viciously checked into the boards while nude during a morning skate and his sporting career, at that moment, was terminated.  We recognize now that there will never be a nude player.  There is a nudity line in the P.A.  No one will cross it.  We know that now.”

Several of the journalists look down at their laps.  There is a moment of silence.

“Brave Tuffet,” Tucker comments.  “He visited me at the palace recently.  I gave him a lovely quartz medal.  It was small and I think later he dropped it somewhere.  It’s a shame.”

The journalists lower their heads again.  I need a beer and a shot.

“What will you look to do during the summer?” I ask.

“To do?” Tucker asks incredulously.  “Whatever do you mean?”

“Player transactions?  Free-agent pickups, etc.  Who are you looking at?”

Tucker turns to his seconds.  “What is he?  I don’t…I can’t…”

The seconds pat him on the back and take him gently away.

“Well, that’s it,” says one of the journalists.  He stands up, revealing to the daylight a well-hung package.  “He won’t come back now.”

Everyone disperses.

My plane doesn’t leave until tomorrow.  I make a beeline for the main stretch.  Figure I’ll check out the local talent

Dick Oakes’ examination of the local talent will continue in further issues.

By Brock Belvedere, Jr.
Senior Staff Writer

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In an exciting race to the finish, the Terrifying Bats have claimed their fourth Pondicherry Golden Platter in the past five years.

A solemn ceremony will be held this afternoon to commemorate the achievement.

“I feel juicy and carnivalesque,” stated club owner and GM Ric Royer, who was interviewed in a small anteroom at the Foontz-Flonnaise Home of Abundant Senselessness.  Royer then consented to a short interview.

BB:  You were able to hold off the Condiments.  Did you watch the results come in?
RR: No. I have never been a great fan of epistemological modalities.
BB: This will be your fourth Golden Platter.
RR: The men have a shelving unit. It will fit there.
BB: I understand you will not be attending the ceremony.
RR: Royer Country.
BB: Excuse me?
RR: Royer Country.

The executive suddenly became quite serious and resolute and began edging Belvedere out of the tight anteroom.  The interview was ended prematurely.

By Dick Oakes, Jr.
Senior Staff Writer

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Though the end of the 2012-13 season is mere days away, the championship in the Pondicherry Association is still up in the air.

“It’s a three-way race to the finish,” noted Small Pizzas GM “Inner Hammer”, who was interviewed via device from the Teets Island Chain.  “Pretty confident on this end though that I’ll soon be pawing at that beautiful Pondicherry Golden Platter.”

The Uncolored Condiments however sit just a half point behind the Pizzas with the Terrifying Bats 1.5 points back.

Bats GM Ric Royer, who was interviewed inside his illuminated Snow Village-engorged cell, was pleased with his club’s recent surge.

“I’m impressed by Keith Candles [sic],” Royer noted.  “Also, we have Mike Greens [sic] and Keith Candles.”

The GM smiled broadly and then suddenly collapsed.

Condiments GM Robin Brox could not be reached for comment.  The executive was believed to be attending a condiments trade show.

“Ms. Brox is quite pleased and believes her club will capture the Platter,” noted a club administrator who refused to be identified.  “We drafted very carefully and I think we’re seeing the fruits of our labors right now.”

There are three games yet to be played before the Platter will be presented on Monday.