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Royer’s Madcap Experiences: The Onion Ring Trailer
By Ric Royer
The lands of the carnival were brown prairie– cleared to accommodate the various structures. But nearest the gravel parking lot, as the ground began to slope a little, was the Onion Ring Trailer.
The heat was terrible. I passed many people from town, dressed in slacks and shirts, the women in house dresses. So many, not being able to stand the thousand-long line to the one portable toilet, simply urinated where they stood. The children carried cones filled with strange blue ice substances.
I had eaten 19 cotton-candies– my stomach was vastly confused and there was a feeling of great turbulence. I needed something to soak up the cotton-candies and the onion ring trailer instantly beckoned.
A doctor had told me once:
“Eat some fried onion rings. That will settle your stomach.”
I never forgot that sage advice.
PART TWO
This was a part of the lot poorly-lighted, bereft– empty picnic tables, empty barrels. Someone had overturned an abandoned old incinerator, the kind that abuts right up to your building, releases the smell of garbages [sic] into the air directly surrounding your home, office, or business. The positionable “clean-out” doors were swung open in a frank way, there was a skull inside.
I was now beneath the lights of the onion ring trailer. The proprietor was a morbid, putrid creature– I wanted to view his death instantly but he was all that stood between me and those rings.
The sign said “FRESH DAILY”.
“Is that true?” I demanded.
He seemed far away. Finally- “Huh? Wuzzit? Fuckin’ onion rings, man.”
“I’d like five tureens.”
He paused. “How about if I just put them in a barrel?”
“OK. I would like that.”
He filled the barrel with rings and I paid only $1.75 and five carnival tickets. I smothered them in ketchup and then, when the creature turned his back, I surreptitiously placed all the condiment containers at the top of the barrel. I was going to stick it to this creature. I was going to make him responsible. I desired to know that he would be fired, that others would say Look at this god damn lardass. I’m not hiring this god damn lardass. I desired him to sleep in barns, to make his way quietly across pitch-black countryside and to finally be shot down, for trespassing as he attempted to gingerly cross an electrified fence.
I rolled the barrel over to the picnic table. It was then that a figure emerged from the shadows. I cannot say that he was an official. I just know that he made me leave my barrel where it stood and he walked me to a place in deep darkness near the back of the gravel lot and then he punched me until I fainted.
When I woke up, I was in the Foontz-Flonnaise Home of Abundant Senseless, a notable mental institution.
OPINION: I Want to Ask You a Question…
“The Best”
I want to ask you a serious question. What, exactly, do you like in a mattress? You like cloud-like comfort or super-firm support? You like allergy-free foam rubber or costly horsehair? You need a king-size– so you can get everybody in there? Or you want an extra-long mattress so you can stretch out?
What kind of pillows you want with that? Zippered antique satin? Something you can toss on the mattress made of antique rayon? Zippered to come off for easy washing? Comes in red, white, blue, gold, brown, tangerine, banana, and olive? Or you want to pamper yourself with a chair-style bedrest? Bouquet-print cotton covers? Fluffy? Resilient? Is that more your speed?
How about a 6-way pillow AND a contour bedrest? Something in pink? Gold? Desert colors? Something comfortable to match the carpet? Yeah?
What? You trying to add an aura of quaintness to any room? You want some dotted curtains ideal for problem windows? Something cloth-woven with easy-care glass fibers that dry in a wink and never need ironing? Come in white or pastels of gold, pink, pizza or aqua? Yeah? Is that what you want?
What’s that? Oh yeah? You’re looking to just redo everything, huh? An automatic washer that removes lint fuzz with a filter-flo system? You want the detergent to dissolve and evenly disperse throughout the load? What? You want a 12-pound capacity? You want two different wash temperatures? One rinse temperature? Yeah? Oh yeah?
What’s that again? You want a 12-inch tall blinking cat lamp? The kind where the lights come through the cat’s eyes? Yeah? You want what options? Ivory, charcoal or beige? With highlights of brown? And you want extra lightbulbs that come in different colors? White? Yellow? Blue? You want them in boxes of five? You want some of the boxes to have one color but others to have multi-colors? Really? Yeah?
Well, OK then. Sounds like you better… What? That’s right, you better come see THE BEST.
The opinions of “The Best” are not necessarily those of The Lankville Daily News or its subsidiaries.
This Week in Lankville
Kimball J. Cranney
LANKVILLE GIRL BECOMES NUN
A Western Outland Lankville broad, the former Miss Tammy Speake, has taken her first vows in the order of the Mary-Wonderment Sisters of the Motherhouse in Obrecht County.
Sister Anne
She is now Sister M. Frederick Anne and will spend a year of intensive study before receiving an assignment to either a domestic or foreign mission post of the order.
“We can certainly see Sister M. Frederick Annie [sic] being assigned to the Depths,” noted head Motherhouse Sister C. Lorrie Hyginus, aged 62. “Or maybe to the Desert. There seem to be some people that get lost out there,” the shapeless, corpulent mother superior noted.
Sister Anne was a 2008 graduate of Home Dump Hardware High School in Obrecht. Her parents, Mr. and Mrs. Steve Garvey, live at 68 Cannon Street. They have two cars and a garage.
GROUP CONTINUES PROTEST
A group of concerned citizens have entered their tenth day of protesting against the Gelsinger French Toast Club in Lankville Heights. The club advertises “adult entertainment.”
“We don’t want it in our town,” said head organizer Leonardette Folger, 46, of Lankville Heights. “It has been associated with a lot of crime in the area, the food is abominable, and they have live and filmed x-rated shows. This is a family neighborhood.”
Gelsinger, who owns 26 such clubs in Lankville and is also chairman of the Lankville Assembly of Birdwatching Enthusiasts said he was not concerned.
“I provide a service that people are willing to pay for,” noted the executive, who was placing a large protective cone over the shaft of a backyard birdfeeder. “I wouldn’t be much of a red-blooded Lankvillian if I didn’t seize that opportunity.”
Gelsinger suddenly dropped and then accidentally tread on the protective cone, crushing it nearly in half. A series of squirrels appeared shortly thereafter and devoured the feeder’s supply of seed.
“Do you see the fucking shit I put up with?” Gelsinger was heard to ask in consternation.
Warden Gwee Valencia is under fire.
MENTAL PATIENTS ESCAPE
At least 36 dangerous mental patients escaped last night from the Plush Views Hills Hospital, sources are confirming.
“We were putting some gelatin into some little paper cups and somehow they escaped,” noted Warden Gwee Valencia, who gave a short press conference this morning. “We think they could be dangerous to the community although we’re still sorting through our brown accordian-style folders, trying to figure out who they are.”
Valencia, 43, will face a series of hearings today and could ultimately be dismissed by Plush Views Hills.
“Gwee is a good, compassionate man who should be given another chance,” said his wife Williamette, 39, judged to be about a 6 out of 10 by this writer. “It was a mistake that could have happened to anyone.”
Plush Views Hills had 310 inmates before the escape.
Talented Youth Makes a Town from Some Blocks of Clay
Brock Belvedere
LANKVILLE ACTION NEWS, YES!
A talented youth has made a town out of some blocks of clay, sources were reporting early this morning. Lankville Daily News rushed right over to confirm the story at the request of our editors.
The adroit second-grader, whose name is Reggie Righetti, showed us the astonishing model in the library of the El Arroyo Bank of Del Lankville Elementary School in Pine County. We immediately called for a photographer to show the world little Reggie’s magnificent creation at the request of our editors.
Reggie Righetti, aged 7, shows off his extraordinary clay model of a town.
“It’s supposed to be my street and my neighborhood, ” said Righetti, whose little lumps of shapeless clay were meant to represent houses and streets. Little Reggie and his teacher, Mrs. Brenda Lezcano, went on for hours about the dazzling creation and, at the request of our editors, we had to stay and listen.
“Reggie has always had a keen interest in architecture. I think he’ll be a city planner one day too!” said Lezcano, who somehow was able to divine the future from an aggregration of amorphous globs. “He even laid the roads out in a grid. So creative!”
At the request of our editors, this reporter discovered the type of clay used (Play, Fun!), the amount of time that Reggie has been modeling with clay (two months) and the occupation of his parents (father: accountant, mother: homemaker).
Although the information was not requested by our editors, this reporter walked around the perimeter of the building and noted the flora and fauna of the area, the type of mulch utilized on the playgrounds and the type of stones used outside the sewer runoff. And although they were not requested by our editors, this reporter collected samples wherever possible.
This reporter then headed straight to a nearby tavern to capture a little “local flavor”. But not before phoning this breaking story in immediately to the editors who will doubtless send it forth to an anxiously-awaiting public.
Museum Heist Nets Treasured Masterpiece
By Linwood Probert
LANKVILLE ACTION NEWS YES!
In news unfolding early this morning, Lankville police have announced that a daring overnight museum heist has netted thieves the nation’s most valuable painting. Law enforcement officials are currently viewing surveillance footage from the Lankville Museum of Art but have no leads.
The painting, “In the Shadow of the Crucifixion” by modernist master Linda Ten Boom (1919-1962), depicts a kitten and a basketball. It has been viewed by countless Lankvillians and is valued at over $100 million.
Detail from Ten Boom’s “In the Shadow of the Crucifixion”.
“It’s a dark day for art lovers,” noted Detective Gee-Temple, who was the first to respond to the scene. “We believe that this heinous crime was carried out by some daring thieves as security is present everywhere in and around the museum,” added Gee-Temple, who asked that anyone with any information should contact him today between 12:30-2PM.
Art critic and historian BoVon Hayes, interviewed this morning while eating some bagels in a parking lot, was stunned by the theft.
“Ten Boom was a Lankville master and Crucifixion is her dies irae. A visual expression of her deep feelings about Lankville society in that time period. It is instantly recognizable.”
Police stated that no witnesses have stepped forward.
“We are hoping for something on the tapes,” added Gee-Temple, who seemed visibly shaken. “Unfortunately, many of the cameras were not positioned properly– were turned towards bathrooms or pointless alcoves or corners, away from any action that might have occurred on the floor. We’ll hope for some fingerprint, some fiber, something.”
An update is expected later this afternoon.
I’ve Been Thrown Into an Industrial Tire Shredder Before, I’ll Be Thrown Into an Industrial Tire Shredder Again
By Dick La Hoyt
Yeah, I’m here to deliver a wake-up call to that clown that works over in Sector II. Guess what, buddy? I’ve been thrown into an industrial tire shredder before and I’ll be thrown into an industrial tire shredder again.
So, I’m at work yesterday, just minding my own business over by the single-pass M85 stationary shredder– just feeding tires into that baby and cracking some jokes with some of the other fellows. And this turd comes over totally out of the blue with two tires and he just throws them on in there. I said, WHOA, BUDDY! THEM MOTHERFUCKERS HAVE GOT TO BE AUTHORIZED BY YOURS TRULY, FIRST! He just looked at me awhile and then he asked what I was going to do about it. And I told him right then and there that I’d do whatever it took.
The next thing I know, we’re going at it and this jackass got a couple of good belly punches in and then, when I was bent over, he picked me up and threw me into the tire shredder. I couldn’t believe it none.
So, anyways, I just wanted to let that bastard ass know one thing– I’ve been thrown into an industrial tire shredder before and I’ll be thrown into an industrial tire shredder again.
The opinions of Dick La Hoyt are not necessarily the opinions of The Lankville Daily News
Model Rocketry Today
Andy Stipps, Model Rocket Expert
No model rocket really looks complete without decals. “A decal or two will go a long way in livening up the appearance of your model rocket,” noted enthusiast Lurv Sprayberry of the Northeastern Lankville Hill area. “Correct choice of color will also increase the contrast of your rocket and make it easier to see as it flies into the air,” Sprayberry added, right before a giant soda was accidentally knocked over onto his rocket supplies. “Gee,” Sprayberry stated, as he attempted to fight back the tears. “I’ll have to explain this to Mom. She’s not going to be happy.” Sprayberry buried his face into a pillow and we felt it best to take our leave.
Indeed, incorrectly-applied decals tend to bubble and some decals can detract from the glossy surface of the model. With a little effort, however, these problems can be eliminated. Model Rocketry Today will show you how.
Firstly, you will want to visit your neighborhood model rocketry retailer. We recommend “The Model Rocket Cave” or “Sandy’s”– both are big national chains which will carry a wide selection of decals. Letters and numbers for identification purposes are also produced. You will also need a few simple tools to help you get started:
Appropriate setup. Note the tweezers.
-a sharp pair of scissors or a sharp modeling knife.
-a small dish of warm water.
-a pair of flat-end tweezers (the type used by stamp collectors work well).
-a big hamper
-many jars of clear paint
-a soft clean rag (or use your shirt)
-a jar of Restrainaset (a popular product available at the stores mentioned above)
-an oscillating fan with different settings
To apply decals successfully, you need to be clean. For example, Mr. Sprayberry would not be in a good position to apply rocket details because of the giant soda he spilled. Keep drinks and sauces out of your work area. Spread out a piece of white paper and place your model on a workbench, table, or a level piece of ground (if you live in the woods). Now, clean the area where the decal is to be applied. Wait until the surface is dry. Turn on your oscillating fan to the “low” setting.
Dip your decal in the dish of warm water for about 15-30 seconds until it is ready to come loose from the paper. If the decal breaks apart into a series of little paper disappointments, do not lose heart or begin wailing monstrously or go completely insane. Remember, the decal can be purchased again. Now, move your oscillating fan to the “medium” setting.
Remove the paper backing with the tweezers and dump it in the big hamper. With the decal still wet, slide it into position on your rocket. If the decal starts to dry out, use a paintbrush to apply a drop of warm water to it. Then, brush some of the Restrainaset over top to soften the decal. This will allow it to conform to any irregularities in your rocket (such as rivet detail, grooves, or the effects of a hideous monstrosity whose congealing breath will mean ultimate death). Now you will want to utilize your oscillating fan on the “high” setting– Restrainaset is made of many poisonous, mephitic chemicals and can also catch fire easily. The fan will help alleviate the effects although you may want to open several windows as well.
Once you are finished, sit aside your model for 3-6 hours. It may even take up to 12 hours in humid weather or if you’re in the woods. Clean up your supplies while you’re waiting– you can probably use the big hamper. It won’t be long before your rocket is ready for flight!
If a little care is exercised, the appearance of your rocket can be significantly improved through the application of details (conclusion).
Funny Stories by Dick Oakes, Jr.
By Dick Oakes, Jr.
The first time I ran afoul of Gee-Temple was in the Outlands.
He had come out there with a vice squad from the capital to bust up a fruit stand ring. Completely normal roadside fruit stand– completely normal-looking country people running the thing. You’d buy, say, a handful of grapes and the next thing you’d know, they’d reveal themselves to be complete perverts. I couldn’t figure on any of it.
I was standing outside an electronics shop on some hick main street and the next thing I knew, a van pulled up. People started to climb into it, so, I figured, what the hell, and I climbed aboard. The thing drove for miles in complete silence and eventually pulled into some highway motel. Everybody got off– I figured on it being some kind of a jackpot, so I got off too.
There was a long line at the front desk. People were asking all sorts of questions about the kind of carpet, the shower curtains, ply details on the toilet paper. It made no sense, none of it.
Finally, I reached the counter. It was a sour-looking couple, slow-moving, suspicious– the woman looked like a bird. The guy kept putting pieces of gum in his mouth and lighting cigarettes. It was all senseless.
“Well…how much for a room?” I opened.
“He doesn’t have $37,” the woman said slowly, carefully to her husband.
I pulled out two twenties.
“Listen, whyn’t you go down to the Ranchito. That’s more your speed, buddy.”
I drew up a story about a daughter from the East. She was coming out on a plane and I was going to take her to the amusement park. It was pure nonsense but they bought it. The woman even gave me a couple of extra towels. They were folded in some weird way so that they slightly resembled swans. She fished for a compliment and I gave it to her. Big boy handed me the keys.
It was furnished in bright blues. Everything was bright blue. After a shower and about fifteen minutes sitting around, it was burning my eyes out. I tore off the bedspread and shoved it into a closet that was locked with a chain. I could clear just enough room to push the damn thing in there. Then I took down a couple of bright blue paintings from the wall. They were just unframed canvases painted bright blue. I couldn’t figure on any of it.
I went up to the second deck to get some ice. There was a grown man standing there, playing on some kind of hand-held game. He put it away as soon as he saw me.
“Nice…beautiful night out, huh?” he said. “Look at them stars.”
I couldn’t see anything but I gave him a little nod and dropped a quarter into the slot. That’s when he grabbed me from behind and flung me backwards. He was holding me over the railing. I could see a couple of cars below me, had to be a good fifteen feet. I heard the bucket clatter away in the distance. Looks like you’re finally a goner Oakes, I heard myself saying. Then, I got a hand free and knocked him out. I dragged him into the shadows and looked through his wallet. Couple of tens in there, couple of restaurant tokens, no kind of identification. I pocketed the money.
And that’s when I came face to face with Gee-Temple.
He took me downtown and booked me for armed robbery and perversion. “What’s the perversion charge, Chief?” I asked him. “I can’t tell you now,” he said, kindly. “We’re going to set you up with a little chicken dinner in your cell. I think it’s chicken breast with green beans and a little side of ice cream.” He thought about that. “It sounds really good, doesn’t it? I could eat that right now, even if it was in a cell, I think I could eat that.” He was really mulling it over.
I didn’t eat the dinner.
Pervert Cure Sought in New Bill
By Lloyd Byas-Kirk, Political Analyst
LANKVILLE ACTION NEWS, YES!
Legislation designed to provide psychiatric treatment for perverts, who have been increasingly active in Lankville recently, has been prepared by the National Metropolitan Crime Thwarting League and will be presented to President Pondicherry upon his return from vacation.
Detective Gee-Temple, who is spearheading the measure, announced yesterday that the bill will be presented next month.
“We’ve seen a huge spike in perverts,” noted the intrepid lawman. “Our bill covers anything from window peeping to sex with fat people and we hope it will go a long way in putting these perverts back on the right road.”
W.W. Epperson is just one of 82,572 Lankvillians arrested as perverts this year.
Gee-Temple admitted that previous efforts to rehabilitate perverts have failed. “We have found that a lot of our methods don’t address the psychopathology of the illness,” stated the dauntless sleuth. “Jail terms have been proven not to work, hard labor, ditch-digging, drop-offs, beheadings– all these methods do not get to the root of the problem.”
The bill defines a pervert as “[someone] who is emotionally unstable, whose decisions [are] witless and doltish in regards to sexuality.” It provides that the pervert be placed in a separate ward of one of Lankville’s state institutions– either the Foontz-Flonnaise Home of Abundant Senselessness or the Plush View Hills Hospital– and be provided necessary medical treatment.
Gee-Temple noted that in just the last few days alone, his department has been plagued by the problem of male perverts annoying theatre patrons and grocery store shoppers. “There’s been a real problem with perverts in the produce department. The fruits,” noted the unflinching shamus, who shook his head sadly at the state of affairs. “In particular, a problem with perverts holding up grapes. Round fruits. Things like that. And then speaking to customers in a lewd way. This is the sort of thing that needs to stop right now.”
Caused by Mental Defect
Dr. Lors Thon of Plush View Hills believes the pervert is suffering from a mental defect. “It requires prolonged treatment if anything at all is to be accomplished,” said the psychiatrist, who had an impressive collection of heavy tomes on his desk. “It’s a mental defect and these patients need to be segregated from other mental retardatives in order to prevent a general pollution of the hospital populace.”
A bell suddenly began ringing and Dr. Thon suddenly ran out of his office. The sounds of a riot could be heard distantly.
Pervert Statistics
Gee-Temple shared the staggering statistics. “In 2014 alone, we have made 82,572 arrests for sex perversion as compared to just 321 last year,” said the plucky dick. “A real spike. Now, most of these cases have been treated as disorderly conduct cases because the pervert was not caught in the act but rather a witness, say, a department store employee, called us because someone was doing something with a thermos. But, in many of these cases, we have caught the pervert red-handed.”
“The numbers have really gone up,” the fearless flatfoot noted after several moments of strange silence.
Horoscopes by Sheeba Incaviglia
Sheeba Incaviglia
LEO- (July 23/Aug 23)- Put on a happy face this week– you’ll meet a few new friends and maybe even a mysterious handsome visitor from out of town. Change your outfits often– put on a large, unwieldy hat and then spin it off your head unexpectedly in social situations. Be sure not to use your hands.
VIRGO- (Aug 24/Sept 22)- This is definitely not the day to go up against your boss. If she’s wearing a pants-suit, it’s a double whammy. It’s too easy to become possessed by an idea to the extent of being ruthless. Be discreet if you decide to tamper with her car.
LIBIS- (Sept 23/Oct 23)- Your appreciation of beauty is wonderful this week. Try to surround yourself with as much beauty as possible. Yell, “I’m surrounding myself with beauty!” with as much zest as possible so that people in nearby shopping areas can hear and maybe be inspired.
SCORPIONS- (Oct 24/Nov 21)- Reaching high up on shelves this week is a bad idea. It’s just as easy to knock over ten big bottles of soda as it is one. They’ll explode when they hit the ground and a manager will have to be called. Step back and try not to get involved.
SAGITTARIAN YES!- (Nov 22/Dec 21)- You might be so obsessed with an idea this week that it will put people off. It could alienate someone close to you and it may be just enough to put that person (if he is a Libis, Virgo, or Tautus) right over the edge. There would be no coming back then.
CANDY CORNS- (Dec 22/Jan 19)- If you need to borrow something from someone, this is the week to do it. In fact, you can benefit greatly from all sorts of things that other people own. Watch people as they leave their homes. A forgotten locked window could lead to opportunities!
AQUARIUMS- (Jan 20/Feb 18)- You’ll spot an ordinary personal ad in the paper that says “Welcome Back Shirley”. Where do you think Shirley was? Why do you think she returned? Will she leave again? It will all become clear. Also, treat yourself. Rent a limousine and have the guy drive you out to the airport and back.
PISCES- (Feb 19/Mar 20)- This week is the best time to completely bulldoze others into doing what you want them to do. Your lover may not enjoy taking orders from you but you’ll eventually make him take it and like it. Still, be sure to smile.
ARIES- (Mar 21/Apr 20)- You were bored by that really short dessert chef. You never gave any thought to where you were going together. This week will be different. Things will suddenly open up, piles of money will suddenly roll in and fantasy will become reality (on top of the piles of money).
TAUTUS- (Apr 21/May 21)- That support undergarment you bought gets blown to hell and you will feel depressed and fat all week. You’ll drift off into boring dreams of little blonde men walking around in poorly-decorated rooms. Don’t answer phone calls. Order some carry-out and split the meal over the course of two or three dark days.
GEMINUS- (May 22/Jun 21)- There’s a fanciful frenzy this week that threatens to lure you into madness. Avoid this cautiously. Watch out at work– a female colleague will get flustered easily over a minor problem and begin crying and cussing. Just stay away. Keep your inner soul intact.
CANCERS- (Jun 22/July 22)- It’s best for you to plan ahead and always know exactly what you’re doing every second of the day. There will be love this week but it will slow and with some guy you don’t even really like that much. End it quickly so that you can get back to the planning.
Council Delays Street Closing, Dumping Request; Calls Meeting
By Bernie Keebler
Senior Staff Writer
LANKVILLE ACTION NEWS: YES!
A special meeting of the Lankville Heights City Council will be held today at 1:30 p.m. to consider a local pizza restaurant’s request to close segments of three streets.
Pizza Star, owned by longtime resident Randy Simmons (white), has also requested permission to dump pizzas into the city sewer system.
Pizza Star: In Limbo
“We have about 200, maybe 300 pizzas that are just sitting around, not doing anybody any good,” noted Simmons. “So, we just want to close the roads for a little while and shove them down into the sewers. It’s just a small thing really that’s turned into a big, bureaucratic mess.”
Simmons’ request had initially been upheld by the Council’s Traffic and Safety Commission but was then overturned by the City Council. Simmons immediately appealed.
“I mean, I’ve been shoving pizzas into the sewer system for years,” noted the embattled restaurateur, who has operated Pizza Star since 1981. “I don’t see what the problem is. I’ve shoved everything in there– flat sodas, old chairs, worn-out delivery bags. It’s my right as a taxpayer.”
Councilman Murray Bannerman noted that today’s meeting is just normal procedure.
“We’ve had some situations in the past where residents were unable to use the water in their homes or in their outside hose arrangements,” noted Bannerman, who was interviewed while examining condiment options at a local fast food establishment. “In many of these cases, it has been pizzas that have been blocking access to the water. We’re not saying that [Mr. Simmons] won’t be able to dump the pizzas, we just need to make sure that the last dumping of pizzas has been cleared.”
Simmons stated that his faith in local government has been shaken.
“I’ve seen people break open the tops of sewers and push old cars right down in there,” he noted. “You can’t tell me that 400 to 500, maybe 700 pizzas are gonna’ make any difference.”
This Week in Lankville
Kimball J. Cranney
WATER SHOW The eighth Annual Eastern Hill District synchronized swim show will be put on by the Aquarius Center of the Earth Girls on Wednesday at 7 p.m. and Thursday at 
6:30 p.m. The public is welcome and a large, outrageous fee will be charged. Aquarius Center of the Earth Girls include (from left): Bobbie Witt, Ronette Hassey, Gail Ledyard, Robin Deer, Cindy Candelaria, Cathy Cone.
CHALLENGE-LOSS SUPPORT GROUP A support group for losers of challenges will meet on Thursday at 7 p.m. in the basement of the Greater Shapely Tabernacle. A light cake will be served. Bring your own folding chair. WEST 4526 may be contacted for more information.
DINNERS FOR THE ELDERLY Some dinners will be held for the elderly at the Depths War Memorial Cafeteria in the Lankville marshlands. Starting promptly at 5 p.m. MONDAY- beef stew, tossed salad, biscuits, cookies, crackers, peanuts, muffins, TUESDAY- Salad plate of beef slices, mayonnaise, tomato wedge, cookies, peanuts, muffins, hard candy, WEDNESDAY- Meatloaf, flabbed potatoes, fruit gelantin, cookies, peanuts, muffins, crackers, soups, THURSDAY- Baked fish in cheese sauces, biscuits, candies, cookies, muffins, small cakes, cigarettes, FRIDAY- Baked chicken and mashed potatoes, zucchini goblins, cookies, peanuts, crackers, butter, oranges.
SMALL MOTEL GIRL WRESTLING Friday, 10:30 p.m. Mysterious Violet v. Cora “The Crusher” Brookens. High Mountain Motel, Route 26. Admission $25. SEATING LIMITED
FRATERNAL ORDER OF THE EAGLES GAME NIGHT Thursday, 7 p.m. Ping Pong, Lawn Darts, Lingus Nets, Paddle Hampers. Admission $5
Blapp KO’s Mulliniks; Retains Light Portlyweight Crown
By Watts Prisinski Boxing Correspondent
Mike Blapp slammed home a three-punch combination to knock out challenger Ray Mulliniks in the sixth round last night to retain the Lankville Boxing Association’s Light Portlyweight crown.
The fight took place at Vitiello Decorative Hams Arena before a crowd of 24,258.
Mulliniks, twenty-six years the champion’s senior, was holding his own when the end came.
Mike Blapp prepares to defend his crown in action last night from Vitiello Decorative Hams Arena.
Early in the sixth round, Blapp slammed a hook to the body and crashed another to the jaw. The champion then landed 13 consecutive punches and, as Mulliniks began to wobble, finished him off with a left hook, a right hand, and another hook to the head.
“He came out and I could tell it was over,” noted Blapp, who has now successfully defended his title three times. “For one thing, he didn’t have any shoes or trunks on. When I went back to my corner after the first round, I asked my seconds why that was and they said that they must of forgot. He also came out with a gigantic poetry collection under one arm for a couple of rounds and that really hindered his ability to throw any punches.”
“It was a boner on my part,” noted Mulliniks’ manager Wilt Hunter. “We just plum forgot about the shoes and the trunks. And we forgot about the poetry book. It’s a book Ray likes to read from occasionally and we just all forgot it was there.”
The victory for Blapp, the East Lankville Winds resident, was his 36th against just one defeat. 26 have been by KO. Mulliniks suffered his 10th defeat against 33 victories. The fighters were paid $100,000 (Lankville) and $25,000 (Island) respectively.
In another fight on the card, Jip Pounders (13-2, 9KO) defeated Bob Celestine (2-2, 1KO) in the first round. Celestine, who was recently freed from prison after serving time on a challenge charge, was unable to raise his arms at all and was hit 49 consecutive times before dropping to the canvas.
OPINION: I’ve Been Punched in the Mouth Before, I’ll Be Punched in the Mouth Again
By Dick La Hoyt
This is a message for that guy that punched me in the mouth in back of the Carpet Diablo store on Route 32 on Sunday night. Guess what, asshole? I’ve been punched in the mouth before and I’ll be punched in the mouth again.
This guy, let me tell you. All I was doing was standing there, minding my own business, looking at some brown carpet tiles. I wanted a carpet that would absorb moisture and put up with a real pounding but that would also look good in my basement game room. So I headed right away to Carpet Diablo. They never disappoint.
So, like I said, I’m just standing there and this asshole suddenly horns in on the tiles I’m looking at. Whole time, he’s chatting up his girlfriend, trying to look like big shit. I said, “WHOA, BUDDY. These carpet tiles are spoken for.”
Well, one thing led to another and the next thing you know, we’re in the weedy area in back of the store after closing time. There wasn’t nobody around on account of it being Sunday. And the guy, he says, “I’ll fight you, but first you better go over there and check on that pile of items wrapped up in that tarp. I don’t want no extra trouble.”
Well, I didn’t know what the asshole was talking about except that there was a big bunch of items on the far side of the lot. I got over there and shook some rainwater off the tarp and peeked inside. It was just a couple of bodies and a bunch of guns– usual kind of thing you’d see on a Sunday evening in Lankville. I go to turn around to tell the guy but the next thing I know, he’s right on top of me and he punched me forty-six times in the mouth. I heard the girl laughing and then I lay there for awhile. It was dark when I finally got up and found that my car had been towed. It was a hell of an evening.
So, I just want to make sure that lousy asshat knows it. I’ve been punched in the mouth before, I’ll be punched in the mouth again.
The opinions of Dick La Hoyt are not necessarily the opinons of the Lankville Daily News or its subsidiaries.
Mystery Blaze Scorches Residence
By McGriff Key
LANKVILLE ACTION NEWS, YES!
Mrs. Max Rudolph returned home yesterday to find her house filled with smoke and the interior of her kitchen charred by fire.
The cupboards were black, windows broken and the blinds and curtains burned.
“She had some door chimes over the door and they were melted completely off,” noted Sergeant Paul Sorrento of the East Lankville Fire Department, who was the first to respond to the scene. “She keeps a Christmas tree up all year and the angel at the top was melted into a funny-looking glob but otherwise the tree was unharmed. We were pleased with that.”
Ms. Max Rudolph, beloved for her Christmas villages.
Although the entire home was damaged by smoke, Sergeant Sorrento expects a speedy cleanup.
“I mean, she won’t be holding no fancy dinners with little frilly lace doilies and them red spray-painted god damn pine cones around a candle, but it’ll get done. Those guys are professionals.”
The origins of the fire are unknown although firefighters noted that business mogul Ric Royer was standing across the street during the entire incident.
“I just happened to be walking by with my pets,” Royer answered when asked. He was not observed to have any pets with him.
Mrs. Rudolph is well-known in these parts for her beautiful illuminated ceramic Christmas villages which she houses in her basement and displays in various Lankville department stores over the holidays.
ACCOMMODATIONS
When staying in the Area Beyond the Outlands, pick the Murray. Friendly, creative staff, delightful beds, curtains. Phone Far Outlands 5-6712.
LANKVILLE DAILY NEWS: IN BOOK FORM!
The book is gone. It will never return. We hear stories but they are likely false. We live in the woods now. We make fire with a lighter that we found in the street. It was crushed by a truck but, somehow, perhaps through some intervention that is beyond us, it still works. We are waiting. We are waiting.
Original Pondicherry Association News promotional advertisement (2009)
TONIGHT ON TV! RICHARD AND THE POSTMAN REUNION SPECIAL!
The Hit program from the 1970's returns to Lankville TV tonight on LBC!
ADULT ADVERTISEMENT
Women all over Lankville are just sitting at mammoth computers waiting to hear from men like you! Just insert a floppy disk, write a (non-sexual) message and let the sparks fly! (Computer not included).
ADVERTISEMENT
A Vitiello Decorative Ham makes a great gift. Show that you care today.
BANDED DUFFELS ON PALLETS
Assorted colors. Whatever you want to do, man. Call Lankville Falls, 3247.
BRIAN SCHROPP IN THE LANKVILLE DAILY NEWS
The most important cuisine articles ever written.
CANDY
Jipps Co. Full Service Candy Counter! Our alert girls will push gummy drops into special paper sheaths, engage in restrained pleasantries and explain chocholate-to-nougat ratios. Call Central Lankville 3614.
CAT PHOTO
In compliance with Lankville subsection 11:16-4.
CHAMBERS CO. HAND DRILLS: When Electricity is Not an Option
When electricity is not an option consider the Chambers Company hand crank drills. Perfect for use in tight spaces, on distant islands or for drilling holes in fences to see TITS. Call 4-2309.
EMPLOYMENT
Big Ed's BBQ Shack is looking for a part-time waitress. Someone who doesn't nose around and ask a lot of difficult questions. Call Lankville Rougher Area, 5-2100.
EMPLOYMENT
Nuts, Ah! is looking for an experienced nut-handler. Experience with bagging nuts also important. If you break the nut sack, the nuts will drop onto the floor. Come in person for application to Twin Removed Pines Mall. NO CALLS.
FOX FOR PARTIES
Hire the Poetry Fox for Your Child's Next Party. Reasonable rates. Writes poems, dances, will not stand for any shenanigans. Call South Lankville 2009.
The funny stories of Dick Oakes, Jr. have thrilled millions. Look for them today in The Lankville Daily News!
GELSINGER’S ALLURE CLUB
Topless, bottomless wonderland. Mysterious back rooms. Carpeted entirely in astroturf. NO CALLS.
GREBOV BROTHERS TELESCOPE COMPANY
The Grebov Brothers are Lankville's finest purveyor of telescopes for astronomy enthusiasts. Substantial 4.5" apertures and fast f/4 focal ratios provide bright, detailed views of solar system targets like the Moon and planets, as well as wide-field celestial objects like nebulas and star clusters but also TITS.
GUMP PENETRATES
Only in The Lankville Daily News
HADBAWNIK HAUNTED STAIRCASE COMPANY
The Hadbawnik Company is Lankville's #1 installer of haunted, brush-littered staircases. Friendly non-foreign staff! Call Western (Outer) Lankville, 2154 or 2198 today.
HADBAWNIK HAUNTED BRUSH PILES!
The Hadbawnik Haunted Staircase Company is now offering haunted brush piles for use on your staircase. Create eerie, supernal ambiance. Allow the brush to blow haphazardly in the wind, creates fear, foreboding. Call our friendly staff of white people at Western Lankville, 2154. Brush piles may contain other forms of yard debris.
HEY! WANT A MONKEY?
Hey! Want a live little monkey? They do cute things like climb into pumpkins. Call "The Captain"- Central Lankville Hills, 5264.
HOME DUMP Your Neighborhood Hardware Store 16 Lankville Locations!
Weekly Special: Primitive Forged Hooks. Buy 4, Get a Can of Paint. Or Maybe Not. You'll Just Have to Find Out.
INFLAMED BY STARS AND BLOOD
Lankville's Premier Science Fiction and Horror Magazine Now Appearing in The Lankville Daily News!
JOHNNY PADRES, OPTICIAN
Lankville has been relying on Dr. Johnny Padres for their optical needs since 1973. We offer a full service family eye care center and provide examinations for glasses and contacts and have a large display of designer, traditional and innovative eyewear for both regular prescription eyeglasses and sunglasses all of which will enable you to see TITS better. Call Lankville Business 2618-2.
LIFE LESSONS FUNERAL HOME
Life Lessons Funeral Home has been helping Lankville with dead people since 1932. Contact Eddie or Stummins, Lankville Business, 5-2161.
LOOK AT THESE BEAUTIES!
Really some of our best ever! Have you ever seen anything like it? Call Kelly (male) at Lankville Sound 2615.
MISSING
Missing: adult penguin. Christ, I just let him out in the yard for one minute and now he's gone. Responds to the name "Richard". Call Lankville Eastern Outlands, 5-6213.
NOW PLAYING!
The Unhinged: A New Film by Tom "Vapor" Rayford. Crisp Street Cinema, Eastern Lankville
PINEAPPLE CITY: A New Way of Being
Pineapple City is a new way of being, feeling and having your shirt off. Located in the distant, barren Lankville Pines, Pineapple City is now accepting applications for sheds. Call PINES, 2-5771.
THE PUZZLER
In the pie chart above, what segment represents a certain specific strata of the general population?
REAL ESTATE
Little shed for sale. With door, mailbox, dirt plot. Site of multiple murders but don't worry, they happened around back. To inquire, come to the shed. Go around back.
REAL ESTATE
Four acre lot in Eastern Lankville Cove Area. Price reduced! Site of a fireworks display in which several people fell out of their lawnchairs and died. Locals believe it haunted but that's crap. Call Cove 2751.
THE RECKONER EXACTRA 2.0 : A Danny Madison Product
It's Your Time: CALCULATE
SARAH SAMWAYS: CONTRIBUTING FEMALE
Exclusively in the Lankville Daily News (and some other papers).
SPEAKING ENGAGEMENT
Robin Brox will sit around and get progressively more intoxicated while listening to this other broad natter on about something. LANKVILLE REGIONAL AUDITORIUM, August 4, 11PM.
SPEAKING ENGAGEMENT CANCELED
The Dr. M. Chambers speech and candy-making event has been canceled again following Dr. Chambers' sudden collapse into some baskets. New date TBA
TRAVEL TIPS by Randy Hammers
The Kum Back Inn in the Lankville Desert Area has long been serving road-weary travelers. They feature a restaurant (with cocktails) and two spacious conference rooms. The Kum Back boasts 65 units-- each including window dressing, some chairs and a larger chair (seats two smallish children), a bed with orange comforter, a plastic trash can, clever paintings, and a windowless door. TV also available in 17 (sometimes 19) rooms. Most of the rooms are air-conditioned. Oscillating fans available upon request. Illuminated carports will protect your vehicle from the vicious sudden dust storms that often overtake the Desert Area and the wild thieves that occasionally parade across the landscape like some unmentionable horror. Call now at TU-0780 and ask for Bud or Karen (married).
UTILITY YARD SHEDS
The Lowinger Brothers offer great utility yard sheds at low prices. This one is haunted. Call Lankville Port Area 1072.
VACATION PACKAGES!
Spectacular vacations in campers by little mountains. Your cares will melt away but you will have to be careful of that shack (pictured). A lunatic lives there. Call Mercantile District 2711.
WRESTLING TONIGHT!
8PM, Southern Lankville Man-Arena. Featuring Ric "Wild Boy" Tipps (green trunks).
ZACH KEEBAUGH INVESTIGATIONS
Only in The Lankville Daily News
The Lankville Daily News 
LETTER SACK