Archive
Musings of a Decorative Ham Man
Chris Vitiello of Vitiello Decorative Hams, Inc.
In the great white room, I found a series of tables. Many were sans chairs. There were booths along one wall, the far wall, and some banners commemorating challenges bested in sport. The carpet was black with red diamonds.
I found a lone purveyor around the corner. She had a series of meat patties lying in filth behind a display case. The menu above was lit but only faintly. At first, I decided against eating but then thought better of it and purchased a factory-wrapped sack containing snacks and a fountain beverage. I consumed these things while leaning against a bare wall.
After that, I wandered up some confusing staircases and in and out of derelict elevators. There was a small machine that dispensed printed cards yet it was unclear for what purpose. There were newspaper boxes left unfilled. There was one other guy.
And that is what my college experience was like.
Royer’s Madcap Experiences: Rough Men of the Shore
By Ric Royer
The icebox came late to the Shore. For many years after its invention, the Shore men continued to store their perishables in rough holes dug into the ground, covered by a mean tarpaulin.
Once, one of the Shore men showed me his reserve. I peered down into the dark hole. There were two eggs down there, a soda and a large plastic child’s toy barn. I asked about this toy barn but received no answer. Instead, the Shore man spat off to the left. “I need to plow field with an ass in the midday sun,” he said. He walked off.
I became agonizingly bored, as is my wont. There was a clothesline with some soaking flannels hung there and I knocked them to the ground. This was momentarily entertaining but then I became bored again, a little tired, and then suddenly horny. I decided to feign hunger so that I might check out the Shore man’s wife.
I entered the kitchen. I pretended that I had worked for hours along the banks, hustling huge rocks into donkey carts for no particular purpose. The kitchen was sparse and undecorated. The cupboards were thrown open in a frank way and there was nothing within. I loudly rustled a newspaper. The Shore man’s wife entered.
She was dressed in homespun and had long thick brown hair arranged in a bun at the back of the head. I had no idea what to do. And then I told her that her husband was dead, stomped by the ass. There was no body.
“I’m sorry, ma’am.”
We were married later in the afternoon in a simple service at the rough chapel twelve miles yonder. The preacher’s name was John Thomas. I laughed aloud at that. We decided to honeymoon in the next town where there was a hotel, a famed pinwheel garden and a lunch counter that served dinner.
And now I plow rough fields with an ass in the midday sun.
A Personal Message from M. Goberman: Special Agent
By M. Goberman: Special Agent
M. Goberman: Special Agent is an “independent contractor” who is currently in the employ of the Lankville Bureau of Probes. He lives in the Eastern Lankville hinterlands.
Two evenings ago, a small radio satellite receiver fell from the sky in Southern Lankville. Although the Lankville Bureau of Probes immediately cordoned off a four-mile square area where the satellite was believed to have landed, they were unable to locate the device.
The device is of no interest to the average Lankvillian, who would be hopeless in his attempts to decipher its complex code. Therefore, the Lankville government is offering a handsome reward for its timely return. The Lankville government did something else.
They hired M. Goberman: Special Agent.
A 9AM meeting was scheduled. I arrived at the Presidential palace six hours early. Nine security personnel were annihilated as I made my way to the Presidential bedroom. I squatted in the darkness and watched the old man sleep. He awoke with a start around five. I darted out of the shadows to face him.
“You know who I am?”
He screamed. “It can’t be…how did you get in here?”
“You know who I am?” I repeated. “There will be no 9AM meeting. Give me my instructions now.”
Eventually, a manilla envelope marked “TOP SECRET” was handed over.
Photo of the satellite receiver lost two nights ago.
“You have given me the power to handle this?” I asked the old man.
“Well…we may have some stipulations…”
I threw a chair across the room.
“It’s bad enough that you called me, old man.” I was losing patience. “Now, I ask one more time. You have given me the power to handle this?”
He nodded.
And so I say once again. If you have found this device, take it immediately to your nearest Bureau of Probes Field Office. The reward will buy you a handsome automobile, an island vacation, perhaps a new lounge suite. If you have found this device, you have 24 hours to do so. If you have found this device and you have elected NOT to hand it over, then let me tell you what will happen.
You will be tracked. You will be found. And you will be annihilated.
By M. Goberman: Special Agent.
Although I live in the distant Eastern hinterlands, I am a mere hour from any target in Lankville. How is this possible? you might ask. I cannot tell you. But know that it is real. Know that it will happen. If you doubt me, I invite you to take a good, hard look at the photograph that will accompany this article. Does that look like the face of a man who makes idle threats? Who “jokes around?” Who engages in “aimless mirth?” Consider that carefully.
God willing, all this will be settled without further incident and I will return to the Eastern Lankville hinterlands. If not, then Lankville should expect a visit.
A visit from M. Goberman.
Special agent.
Royer Hospitalized After Zoo Incident
By Linwood Probert
LANKVILLE ACTION NEWS: YES!
Lankville business magnate Ric Royer is in stable condition after an early-morning zoo incident in Eastern Lankville.
Royer was granted a “zoo-release” day from the Foontz-Flonnaise Home of Abundant Senselessness.
The incident occurred at Buntz Mallows Discount Zoo and involved a trash receptacle shaped like a lion’s head.
“It’s a lion’s head with a circular shaped mouth, operating on heavy suction if you can imagine,” said Zookeeper Fergie Pounder. “Kiddies take their trash, hold it near the mouth and the lion sucks it straight in. All the kids just love it.”
Pounder admitted that the device is more popular than the animals. “Our animals are really boring,” he noted.
Pounder went on to describe the incident.
“Well, this fellow [Royer] was just staring at this thing. It went on for about seven hours [the zoo opens at 2AM]. He never put any trash in, just stared at it, drawing slowly closer and closer with each passing hour. A certain darkness seemed to descend directly over that area, it became particularly windy, there was a mysterious howl. Then, after all that time, he stuck his whole arm in the device. The suction drew him into the machine and he banged his head against the cement lion part and was rendered unconscious.”
“The head will be removed immediately,” noted Detective Gee-Temple, who had been observing Royer for several hours before the incident. “It’s very dangerous when you stick your whole arm into it.”
Royer was treated for a concussion and is expected to be released this afternoon. He had been granted a “zoo-release” day from the Foontz-Flonnaise Home of Abundant Senselessness, where he is expected to be returned.
OPINION: I’m the Kind of Guy You Meet in a Stuffy Attic
By Zach Keebaugh Citizen
You head upstairs to the attic in search of some wrapping paper or maybe your favorite pair of summer swim trunks. “It’s a little stuffy up here,” you think. “I should open a window.” You make your way through the half-darkness, stumbling over an old stereo receiver or a box of comic books. Finally, you arrive at the window and throw it open. “Some air,” you think. “That’ll get things circulating.” Then, you turn back.
AND THERE I AM, MAN.
Because, I’m the kind of guy you meet in a stuffy attic.
Your mind races. How did he get in here? Did I leave a door open while I was outside raking up all those old pumpkins? Did he climb up here? Is that even possible?
Fact is, all that’s irrelevant.
Because I’m the kind of guy you meet in a stuffy attic. Just is, man.
“What…do you want?” you say. I emerge from beneath the old roof beams. I don’t say much. There’s not much to be said. Thousands of years of civilization have passed to achieve this moment. Deep down, we both know this. We both know our assigned purposes. I need not even know yours. But I know mine.
I’m the kind of guy you meet in a stuffy attic.
Then, I turn and make my way down the stairs.
The opinions of Zach Keebaugh are not necessarily those of The Lankville Daily News or any of its subsidiaries.
Today in Breakfast Sandwiches by Brian Schropp
By Brian Schropp
Breakfast Sandwich Aficionado
The Lankville Daily News is pleased to present a new feature by noted aficionado Brian Schropp.
A lot of people come up to me on a daily basis. They say, “Brian, when are you ever going to share your voluminous knowledge of breakfast sandwiches with the world? For a great span, I felt strongly that the moment was not upon us. We were still passing through a strange cycle of fear, of suspicion of the breakfast sandwich. Lankville had not fully embraced the phenomenon. No knowledge could yet be imparted.
In the last few years, however, I have noticed a change. I have heard the rich man say, “I had a breakfast sandwich this morning.” I have heard the erudite man say, “I had a breakfast sandwich this morning.” And I have even heard the frightening, mountain dirt cave hillbilly say, “I had a breakfast sandwich this morning.” I have been moved by this sense of justice and federation. And so I have agreed to undertake this new feature. I am proud to present to you, Lankville, Today in Breakfast Sandwiches.
Today, we’ll be looking at two of Lankville’s more notable creations.
PAPPY’S CHICKEN AND BISCUITS
Breakfast sandwich designer H.X. Approval .
Pappy’s Chicken and Biscuits is one of Lankville’s more notable purveyor of “hastily-concocted viands”. In 1997, they introduced their first breakfast sandwich, a biscuit with a slice of thick ham topped with ranch sauce which was an enormous failure. “Customers were pretty vocal in regards to its poor taste and texture,” noted former Pappy’s CEO Ivan Calderon. “The ham was sliced in a sort of layered way, making it look like a tiny step-stool. It was hard to eat,” admitted Calderon, who spearheaded an initiative to include egg and sausage on Pappy’s second venture into the field of breakfast hoagies.
Pappy’s turned to H.X. Approval, who had designed successful breakfast sandwiches for several island chains in the 1990’s. “I knew right away what I wanted to do with Pappy’s,” said Approval. “Breakfast sandwiches are man’s great equalizer. They bring people of all races and some colors together. If you’ve experienced great creeping horrors, the breakfast sandwich is a healer,” Approval added.
In 2001, Pappy’s introduced the “Copious Bulker”– an instant hit in all Lankville markets. “It’s two eggs with two types of sausages shoved in between,” Approval explained. “You’ve got links on either side of a patty. The links cradle the paddle in there, keeping it safe the warm and, at the same time, kind of caressing it erotically.” Approval briefly excused himself but shortly returned. “On top of the sausages, you have a round, perfectly compressed slice of ham. We were able to concisely summarize taste in that thin slice. That’s really the only way to describe it.”
Lankville agrees. The Copious Bulker has sold over five hundred billion sandwiches since 2001.
THE VITIELLO DECORATIVE BREAKFAST SANDWICH
Chris Vitiello of Vitiello Decorative Hams, Inc.
Vitiello Decorative Hams, Inc. introduced their decorative breakfast sandwich in 2004. Although initially met with skepticism, it has since garnered a loyal following. “What makes my sandwich work is that it is both edible and decorative,” noted founder and CEO Chris Vitiello. “The edible component slides out easily and may be consumed by the rapacious sort of philistine that feels the need to shove a breakfast sandwich down his greed-lined gullet and then the decorative component, which is the true aesthetic component– the true work of art– will hopefully be appreciated by the same sort of vulgarian that would feel the need to purchase such a heinous object in the first place.” Vitiello removed a whip from a desk drawer and placed it between us.
I carefully admitted that this was one of my main objections to the Vitiello Decorative Breakfast Sandwich. “It is nearly ten times the cost of the Pappy’s sandwich,” I pointed out. There was a long silence.
“Is that so, Mr. Schropp?” Vitiello finally answered.
“Yes,” I conceded.
Vitiello ran his finger slowly along the whip.
“You know where this is going to end, don’t you, Schropp?” he finally asked.
I very slowly got out of my chair and backed away towards the door. Vitiello’s steely eyes followed me. I crept down the ill-lit hallway. The elevator was out, so I had to take a service lift. I felt that, somehow, I could hear the crack of a whip somewhere. I made it to the street.
When I looked back up towards Vitiello’s office, I saw him standing in the window, holding the whip. He was pointing at me, then pointing at the whip. His eyes were like great shards of menace.
Next week, we’ll be taking a look at two more Lankville breakfast sandwiches. Until then!
This Week in Lankville
Kimball J. Cranney
ROYER CHANGES NAME
Institutionalized Lankville business magnate Ric Royer has changed his name to “Cor Scorpionis, Blood Probationer” according to sources following the story.
“He asked us to set up a lectern, some lights and a minimized buffet,” stated Warden Jenness of the Foontz-Flonnaise Home of Abundant Senselessness, where Cor Scorpionis is incarcerated. “But then he spent all morning in his room, putting together a puzzle so we have yet to receive an official statement.”
Cor Scorpionis, who was later interviewed privately, explained the change, his third this year.
“It is folly and a rape of truth to ignore the machinations,” stated the executive, who was clearly distracted by both the completed puzzle (a photographic depiction of a dog lounging on an oversized bean bag chair) and his dazzling layout of illuminated porcelain Christmas structures. “I say furthermore that this layout is of the Circle, and of the eye of the great marker that sleeps not, but is vigilant. The Circle is nearly all-perfect, nearly equal in every way. And if I was ever brought my box of soda, it would be complete.”
Cor Scorpionis then gave his attendant a fierce look of disapproval and the interview was ended prematurely.
“SAVE THE PANDAS” DRIVE NOW ON
Fick to help pandas.
An organization of wealthy Lankville businessmen will sponsor a “Save the Pandas Day” with selected proceeds going to the cause, it was announced. Semi-portable typing machine magnate D. Fick was chosen to spearhead the initiative.
“Anything you can do to help these panda things,” Fick said, in an interview held near an area replete with small pandas. “If you can contribute $5 or just simply leave your car in a parking lot with a sign that says, “DONATED TO PANDAS”. Anything like that would really help save these panda things.”
Fick continued. “You can bring canned goods to a factory and you can just dump them wherever the hell you feel like it, even if it’s not really that close to the factory. People will know.”
Fick then ended the interview and climbed into a gigantic military vehicle with tinted windows.
DEATH CLAIMS AFFABLE BANKER CARSTAIRS
Dick Carstairs: Dead
Death came in search of affable banker Dick Carstairs yesterday afternoon. The agreeable financier was 65.
“Dick was involved in a lot of things,” noted widow Jean-Louise Carstairs, who was interviewed outside the Great Central Mountain Area Hospital while her husband lie expired inside. “He was very proud of his membership in the Chamber of Trade, his work with the Small Child Scouts and his chairmanship of our local Koala Bears and Walnuts Club. We’ll certainly miss him.”
Mrs. Carstairs (rated about a 5 of 10 by this reporter) would not disclose the cause of death despite excessive probing.
CONTEST ANNOUNCEMENT IMMINENT
The Lankville Daily News will reveal the details of a new contest for readers this week, sources are indicating. Although there are conflicting rumors as to the details, some sources suggest that the prize could either be $5,000, a trip for two to a cave, or a mechanical dinosaur.
Royer’s Madcap Experiences: The Low Moan From Room 3
Ric Royer
In my early twenties, I leased an apartment on the top floor of a rambling boarding house located at the terminus of a filthy alley. The landlady was an ancient, distant, stooped creature that never looked one in the eye and always carried a series of three colored dishtowels wherever she went. It was seldom she made the journey to my top floor and this pleased me and thus, generally I was left alone.
At the time, I was working on a long novel about some gorillas on the moon that had special powers. I vacillated between feeling it to be a work of unparalleled genius or complete idiocy. As the work progressed, I kept adding further gorillas. Towards the end of my work, I added a band of singing gorilla children out of desperation. Then, I scrapped it completely– burning it in the wood stove.
It was about this time that I began to hear a low moan from next door. This surprised me; I had believed myself alone here in the heights of this great, languishing flophouse.
The next day, I confronted the landlady. She was pushing a small, filthy carpet into a cookie jar for reasons unclear to me. “Who is the man in Room 3?” I asked. “He moans constantly”. She looked forward, her lips slightly parted. “Big Ed,” she answered in a whisper. “Been here for 13 years. He owns a Barbeque.”
She looked down to the unwashed parquet floor.
“No one knows what goes on there.”
I had heard of the place. It was two blocks from here and although one could safely enter the establishment and purchase a perfectly good barbeque sandwich, one never asked any questions about what went on upstairs. There were four long ventilation ducts that meandered from the windows upstairs and sunk straight into the ground and it was rumored that the racket of mysterious items slamming against their sides could be heard throughout the night. Big Ed himself was invisible.
Royer suddenly became distracted by a giant, swirly lollipop and promised to finish the story later.
Summer Thunder by Jill Candles
By Jill Candles
A New Romance Series Exclusive to The Lankville Daily News.
Ken came to our little street in late June, the first night, the first night of the summer thunder. It rattled my windows and, later, it rattled my bed frame as though portending what would happen later in that summer, that summer of the summer thunder.
The next morning, he was standing on the Stevenson’s lawn next door, shirtless. The Stevenson’s had gone away for the entire summer, that summer of thunder. “Hi,” he said. “I’m here to do some raking.” I nodded and felt a palpable heat rise up from the sidewalk. It was the heat of summer, true, that summer of thunder, but it was another kind of heat that formed a bridge between Ken and I, though we didn’t yet know it.
I went to my summer job at the library. It was a morning of folding gigantic newspapers over gigantic rulers. It was tedious. I stared outside at the cascading summer sun. Would it thunder today? Would it?
“The thunder was right above us. We kissed passionately.”
My reverie was broken by the appearance of Ken in the library vestibule. He was still shirtless. I took notice now of his chiseled features, his glistening pectorals, his clean and pressed tan slacks. Old Miss Higgins, the head librarian approached him.
“Yes, I’m looking for a gigantic newspaper on a gigantic ruler,” he said. He smiled, showing off two rows of perfect pearly whites. “I would like to have a look at the weather report,” he added, puffing out his strong, clean chest. “The sky…it looks as though…well, I mean, I wonder if it might thunder tonight.”
And he looked right at me. For what seemed like a luscious eternity our eyes locked. And then I heard that inner voice.
You’ve urinated in your panty hose again, Jill. Better make a beeline for the ladies room.
I looked down. There was the initial spot on the dusty wood floor. I hightailed it out of there.
Later, I cut through back yards and alleys, hoping I wouldn’t see him. Distantly, I could hear thunder. Summer thunder. I passed the open lot where a gigantic pumpkin fire had been raging for two years. There was a strange man standing there with a handmade sign that read “SEX REVOLUTION”. I hurried. The thunder came heavier now. The summer thunder.
There was the gate. Mom was out there with a huge basket of wet white clothing. She heard the thunder. But to her, the thunder was merely a warning having to do with laundry, not love. It came again, it was closer. I began crying.
My hand was on the gate now. And then, another hand was over it. A strong hand.
It was Ken’s.
He was shirtless but had changed into a pair of pressed green slacks. “Don’t be scared of the summer thunder,” he said. Then, he gurgled something incoherent. The thunder was right above us. We kissed passionately. And there was the voice.
You’ve urinated in your panty hose AGAIN, Jill! You must find an excuse to break away.
But I didn’t. And Ken didn’t seem to mind.
September is Presentation Oar Month
By Floyd Tingley
A particular division of the Lankville Coastal Guarders that I work for has declared September “Presentation Oar Month”. How are we gonna’ celebrate at Tingley Little Presentation Oars, you ask? By having the sale of the century, that’s how.
We’re not messing around. Right now, you can get a hand-crafted little presentation oar for just $185. Couple different styles available. Creates that nautical look in your den, club basement, boat, or rented room. Comes with a gold hand-engraved plaque. Anything you want on there*. There’s not a single person I’ve done business with that has walked away unhappy. That’s my guarantee.
How can I afford to give these little presentation oars away at that price, you ask? Because I know that once you buy one Tingley Little Presentation Oar, you’ll keep coming back to me for all your little presentation oar needs. A Tingley little presentation oar is the best little presentation oar.
You can write me: Tingley Little Presentation Oars, 55 Knobs, South Lankville, 2-111. I’ve also set up an emails address just to accommodate the orders– it’s tingleylittlepresentationoars@lankvillewest.com Hurry up and place your order. It’s Presentation Oar month, after all.
* Except for anything irreverent (I reserve the right to use my discretion).
The opinions of Mr. Tingley are not necessarily the opinions of The Lankville Daily News and its subsidiaries.
Cheap Cup of Coffee Fails at Local Lunch Booth
By Bernie Keebler
LANKVILLE ACTION NEWS: YES!
Lancey Parrishes, manager of a local lunch booth, gave up his attempt to win customers with twenty-five cent cups of coffee, sources are confirming.
He said the cut-rate cup did not attract any new customers but instead caused his regulars to increase their consumption.
Parrishes, who has been shunned, consented to an interview with The Lankville Daily News outside of city limits.
BK: What will you do now?
LP: I don’t know. It’s been tough. It’s been very difficult on my family.
Parrishes (above) has been wearing dark glasses to avoid detection.
BK: How will you go on?
LP: Eventually, I’ll have to go back and face the lunch booth. But, somehow, I…(Parrishes broke down and began sobbing).
BK: Why did you think your little scheme would work?
LP: I guess I thought people would be drawn to the low cost. But it didn’t happen that way.
BK: Yes, people really seem to hate you.
LP: It’s true. I’ve been living on handouts from scary forest dwellers.
BK: I guess you’ve learned an important lesson.
LP: I have Bernie. I really have.
BK: I’m not going to ask any further questions but I do think you should sit here in silence for awhile longer while I stare at you.
LP: It’s…I understand.
The interview ended shortly thereafter.
This Week in Lankville
Kimball J. Cranney
ROYER COMMITTED TO INSANE ASYLUM
Business magnate Ric Royer has been committed to the Foontz-Flonnaise Home of Abundant Senselessness, sources are now confirming.
A Lankville Daily News photographer snapped this image of Royer last night at the opening of a new zoo.
Royer, who last night was photographed during the cutting of a ribbon at a new zoo, was clad in an outlandish costume and appeared to have painted his teeth green. During the reception, Royer consumed an entire cake while holding a gigantic pneumatic roof and lathing stapler and pointing it jokingly at various guests. He then consented to a brief interview with The News.
KC: Do you like this zoo?
RR: I am working to accelerate the ecstasy. To merge and to meet the infinitely vast. That is what we must strive for. Also, I would like to know is when my cardboard tureen of fountain soda will be showing up. I can’t even begin to answer your strange questions without it.”
KC(probing): Do you like this zoo?
RR: So far, I haven’t seen any kind of offer that would satisfy me. Not like that cake I just had.
Royer then suddenly fell down and his handlers immediately made the decision to commit the enigmatic executive.
PRESIDENT EMERGES SCREAMING FROM PILE OF GIRLY PILLOWS
President Pondicherry has been hospitalized after an incident which occurred this morning at the Grebov Brothers Telescope Company Presidential Palace. He is expected to fully recover.
Around 4 a.m., Pondicherry was discovered by his man-servant, attempting to emerge from a mountain of girly pillows which had somehow engulfed his bed, creating a dark abyss that nearly suffocated the chief executive. “The man-servant assured us that he had never seen the pillows before,” said Detective Gee-Temple, who was the first officer on the scene. “They were not the type of pillows I would imagine an older man buying,” added the intrepid detective.
Interviews were conducted with several “lower-class” working people throughout the Palace but nothing untoward was discovered.
The President is expected to be released later today.
Balbus TKO’s Lilliquist; Catalay-Sisters KO’s Crispus
By Watts Prisinski Boxing Correspondent
Lou Balbus, Southern Lankville’s crack amateur Junior Abundantweight, added another impressive victory to his string of ring successes last night when he punched-out a clean decision over rugged Hoddy Lilliquist of the Outlands in the feature scrap of a 32-bout card presented by Chambers Company Hand Drills at the Life Lessons Funeral Home Arena in Capital City.
Lilliquist, a stocky-built boy who held a record of three victories and seven defeats, could not match Balbus’ sharp punching. In the first round, Balbus scored several times with hard punches to the jaw, forehead, eyes, nose, ears, throat, shoulders, elbows and wrists of Lilliquist and had his opponent bleeding, vomiting and gasping for air at the bell.
Experts consider Johnny Catalay-Sisters an up-and-comer.
A hint of the final outcome came in the second when, in a furious exchange, it was Lilliquist who finally gave ground and became trapped by the ropes. Balbus drove home several clean punches to the aforementioned areas again and referee W.W. Tarn finally called the match.
In other highlights, Johnny Catalay-Sisters, a Thickish-Moderateweight from the Lankville Arctic Archipelago, delivered a barrage of blows to Thurman Crispus of the Northern Hole Area who wilted under the furious display after just 46 seconds. Catalay-Sisters, who is now 4-0 with 4 knockouts, is believed to have a bright future in the fistic arts.
“I’m happy with the beatdown I gave Crispies [sic],” said Catalay-Sisters after the bout. “I was studying the film on [Crispus] and I could tell that he had a funny habit of immediately retreating to the corner. Basically, I just hemmed him in and hit him until he fell.”
“Johnny pounded the living Christ out of that rummy, no question about it,” concurred manager Lou “Urgent” Cunningham. “That was no god damn contest.”
The thirty other fights on the card and the failure of the air-conditioning system at Life Lessons Arena made for an excessively long evening for fans of the pugilistic art, who began collapsing in aisles or falling out of their seats. Several deaths were reported.
“There were a lot of garbage fights,” noted fan George Potburn of the Southwestern Desert Area. “There was the midget fight, the two fights where the fighters were obviously drunk or high, the one fight that was announced but where nobody actually showed up but they counted off the time for seven rounds anyway. It was a little ridiculous.”
Potburn was later accidentally drawn up into an air-conditioning vent that suddenly blasted on after the event was concluded.
Judges were Buck Knowles, Ernie Salada, and Mike Blapp. Clunt Davenport was the timekeeper and Steevo Burns the announcer. Dr. Yothers was the attending physician.
OPINION: I Really Wasn’t Crazy About the Look of the Little Potatoes This Morning
By Lurv Sprayberry
I really wasn’t crazy about the look of the little potatoes this morning. It’s too bad because that’s a part of my day that I really look forward to.
The little potatoes that shook Lurv to his core.
I won’t say eating my little potatoes is the first thing I do in the morning. Usually, I check out my computer signals and how the glue on my latest model rocket has dried overnight and maybe dump my sheets in the wash basin for Mom. But then I head right out to the buffet- get a big helping of little potatoes and a juice and sit down and look at The News.
I stood over the little potatoes for at least ten minutes today. Something was wrong, I knew it but I don’t think I wanted to know it. As time passed, I could see that the texture was all off. The colors seemed enhanced– they were almost too yellow. And those tongs just thrown in there. That’s the first time I’ve seen that from the Islanders that run the place. You don’t usually see the tongs until you order. But this time, they were just kind of lounging there petulantly. The scene was all off and I didn’t like it.
I asked if they had another pan of little potatoes but the Islander didn’t understand me. He kept pointing to the tongs and I had to finally look away. I know they probably had another pan in the back but I felt, somehow, that they would be exactly the same. That today was just a cursed day. And so I left.
I just couldn’t get over the look of the little potatoes this morning.
The opinions of Lurv Sprayberry are not necessarily the opinions of The Lankville Daily News or any of its subsidiaries.
Chemical Warfare Used on Coyotes
By Dreet Cannon, Desert Area Correspondent
LANKVILLE ACTION NEWS, YES!
Chemical warfare, the “last resort” of men at war, has finally caught up with old man coyote.
The Lankville Fish, Wildlife and Small Hill Service here has begun attacking the scourge of the chicken houses with its latest weapon– “the coyote getter”.
“The coyote getter replaces the old steel trap mechanism,” noted Desert Area director Clint Darling. “Basically, what you have here is a stick stuck in the ground, topped by a cyanide-loaded shot cartridge and smeared with a powerful food scent, not unlike, say, the smell of a pizza just removed from the oven.” Darling paused to allow reflection. “Well, when the coyote bites into this little morsel, he is poisoned and his head explodes. It’s quite a site, really.”
Grainy nighttime photograph shows the powerful effect of the “coyote getter”.
Darling reported the number of coyotes killed since the introduction of the “coyote getter” at 1,464. “There’ve been some dogs too, you want to make sure you don’t allow any dogs in the area,” warned the official, who suddenly put on a cowboy hat for reasons unclear. “Also, some chicken coops. People have been putting them inside the coops. You want to make sure you put them at least a good mile away. We’ve lost a few people too. They’re attracted by the pizza smell, I think.” Darling adjusted the cowboy hat. “Just desert drifters though,” he added.
Some Desert residents however are appalled by the “coyote getter”.
“It’s barbaric,” said Sally Quint of the Desert Area Society for the Preservation of Animals, who has protested the mechanism. “It’s just complete overkill. Plus, it keeps people awake all night, these massive explosions every fifteen minutes.”
“We might have to look into that at some point in the future,” noted Desert Area Mayor Paul Priddy, who removed a folder from his desk drawer for effect as an explosion rocked his Main Street offices. “We’ll maybe check out these boys a little but I’m sure a compromise will be reached in the end.”
ACCOMMODATIONS
When staying in the Area Beyond the Outlands, pick the Murray. Friendly, creative staff, delightful beds, curtains. Phone Far Outlands 5-6712.
LANKVILLE DAILY NEWS: IN BOOK FORM!
The book is gone. It will never return. We hear stories but they are likely false. We live in the woods now. We make fire with a lighter that we found in the street. It was crushed by a truck but, somehow, perhaps through some intervention that is beyond us, it still works. We are waiting. We are waiting.
Original Pondicherry Association News promotional advertisement (2009)
TONIGHT ON TV! RICHARD AND THE POSTMAN REUNION SPECIAL!
The Hit program from the 1970's returns to Lankville TV tonight on LBC!
ADULT ADVERTISEMENT
Women all over Lankville are just sitting at mammoth computers waiting to hear from men like you! Just insert a floppy disk, write a (non-sexual) message and let the sparks fly! (Computer not included).
ADVERTISEMENT
A Vitiello Decorative Ham makes a great gift. Show that you care today.
BANDED DUFFELS ON PALLETS
Assorted colors. Whatever you want to do, man. Call Lankville Falls, 3247.
BRIAN SCHROPP IN THE LANKVILLE DAILY NEWS
The most important cuisine articles ever written.
CANDY
Jipps Co. Full Service Candy Counter! Our alert girls will push gummy drops into special paper sheaths, engage in restrained pleasantries and explain chocholate-to-nougat ratios. Call Central Lankville 3614.
CAT PHOTO
In compliance with Lankville subsection 11:16-4.
CHAMBERS CO. HAND DRILLS: When Electricity is Not an Option
When electricity is not an option consider the Chambers Company hand crank drills. Perfect for use in tight spaces, on distant islands or for drilling holes in fences to see TITS. Call 4-2309.
EMPLOYMENT
Big Ed's BBQ Shack is looking for a part-time waitress. Someone who doesn't nose around and ask a lot of difficult questions. Call Lankville Rougher Area, 5-2100.
EMPLOYMENT
Nuts, Ah! is looking for an experienced nut-handler. Experience with bagging nuts also important. If you break the nut sack, the nuts will drop onto the floor. Come in person for application to Twin Removed Pines Mall. NO CALLS.
FOX FOR PARTIES
Hire the Poetry Fox for Your Child's Next Party. Reasonable rates. Writes poems, dances, will not stand for any shenanigans. Call South Lankville 2009.
The funny stories of Dick Oakes, Jr. have thrilled millions. Look for them today in The Lankville Daily News!
GELSINGER’S ALLURE CLUB
Topless, bottomless wonderland. Mysterious back rooms. Carpeted entirely in astroturf. NO CALLS.
GREBOV BROTHERS TELESCOPE COMPANY
The Grebov Brothers are Lankville's finest purveyor of telescopes for astronomy enthusiasts. Substantial 4.5" apertures and fast f/4 focal ratios provide bright, detailed views of solar system targets like the Moon and planets, as well as wide-field celestial objects like nebulas and star clusters but also TITS.
GUMP PENETRATES
Only in The Lankville Daily News
HADBAWNIK HAUNTED STAIRCASE COMPANY
The Hadbawnik Company is Lankville's #1 installer of haunted, brush-littered staircases. Friendly non-foreign staff! Call Western (Outer) Lankville, 2154 or 2198 today.
HADBAWNIK HAUNTED BRUSH PILES!
The Hadbawnik Haunted Staircase Company is now offering haunted brush piles for use on your staircase. Create eerie, supernal ambiance. Allow the brush to blow haphazardly in the wind, creates fear, foreboding. Call our friendly staff of white people at Western Lankville, 2154. Brush piles may contain other forms of yard debris.
HEY! WANT A MONKEY?
Hey! Want a live little monkey? They do cute things like climb into pumpkins. Call "The Captain"- Central Lankville Hills, 5264.
HOME DUMP Your Neighborhood Hardware Store 16 Lankville Locations!
Weekly Special: Primitive Forged Hooks. Buy 4, Get a Can of Paint. Or Maybe Not. You'll Just Have to Find Out.
INFLAMED BY STARS AND BLOOD
Lankville's Premier Science Fiction and Horror Magazine Now Appearing in The Lankville Daily News!
JOHNNY PADRES, OPTICIAN
Lankville has been relying on Dr. Johnny Padres for their optical needs since 1973. We offer a full service family eye care center and provide examinations for glasses and contacts and have a large display of designer, traditional and innovative eyewear for both regular prescription eyeglasses and sunglasses all of which will enable you to see TITS better. Call Lankville Business 2618-2.
LIFE LESSONS FUNERAL HOME
Life Lessons Funeral Home has been helping Lankville with dead people since 1932. Contact Eddie or Stummins, Lankville Business, 5-2161.
LOOK AT THESE BEAUTIES!
Really some of our best ever! Have you ever seen anything like it? Call Kelly (male) at Lankville Sound 2615.
MISSING
Missing: adult penguin. Christ, I just let him out in the yard for one minute and now he's gone. Responds to the name "Richard". Call Lankville Eastern Outlands, 5-6213.
NOW PLAYING!
The Unhinged: A New Film by Tom "Vapor" Rayford. Crisp Street Cinema, Eastern Lankville
PINEAPPLE CITY: A New Way of Being
Pineapple City is a new way of being, feeling and having your shirt off. Located in the distant, barren Lankville Pines, Pineapple City is now accepting applications for sheds. Call PINES, 2-5771.
THE PUZZLER
In the pie chart above, what segment represents a certain specific strata of the general population?
REAL ESTATE
Little shed for sale. With door, mailbox, dirt plot. Site of multiple murders but don't worry, they happened around back. To inquire, come to the shed. Go around back.
REAL ESTATE
Four acre lot in Eastern Lankville Cove Area. Price reduced! Site of a fireworks display in which several people fell out of their lawnchairs and died. Locals believe it haunted but that's crap. Call Cove 2751.
THE RECKONER EXACTRA 2.0 : A Danny Madison Product
It's Your Time: CALCULATE
SARAH SAMWAYS: CONTRIBUTING FEMALE
Exclusively in the Lankville Daily News (and some other papers).
SPEAKING ENGAGEMENT
Robin Brox will sit around and get progressively more intoxicated while listening to this other broad natter on about something. LANKVILLE REGIONAL AUDITORIUM, August 4, 11PM.
SPEAKING ENGAGEMENT CANCELED
The Dr. M. Chambers speech and candy-making event has been canceled again following Dr. Chambers' sudden collapse into some baskets. New date TBA
TRAVEL TIPS by Randy Hammers
The Kum Back Inn in the Lankville Desert Area has long been serving road-weary travelers. They feature a restaurant (with cocktails) and two spacious conference rooms. The Kum Back boasts 65 units-- each including window dressing, some chairs and a larger chair (seats two smallish children), a bed with orange comforter, a plastic trash can, clever paintings, and a windowless door. TV also available in 17 (sometimes 19) rooms. Most of the rooms are air-conditioned. Oscillating fans available upon request. Illuminated carports will protect your vehicle from the vicious sudden dust storms that often overtake the Desert Area and the wild thieves that occasionally parade across the landscape like some unmentionable horror. Call now at TU-0780 and ask for Bud or Karen (married).
UTILITY YARD SHEDS
The Lowinger Brothers offer great utility yard sheds at low prices. This one is haunted. Call Lankville Port Area 1072.
VACATION PACKAGES!
Spectacular vacations in campers by little mountains. Your cares will melt away but you will have to be careful of that shack (pictured). A lunatic lives there. Call Mercantile District 2711.
WRESTLING TONIGHT!
8PM, Southern Lankville Man-Arena. Featuring Ric "Wild Boy" Tipps (green trunks).
ZACH KEEBAUGH INVESTIGATIONS
Only in The Lankville Daily News
The Lankville Daily News 
LETTER SACK