Archive
BREAKING: Area Girls Getting All Up in Everybody’s Shit
By Brock Belvedere Senior Staff Writer
LANKVILLE ACTION NEWS: YES!
A group of area girls are getting all up in everybody’s shit, sources are now confirming.
The area girls that are getting all up into everybody’s shit.
“We’re not sure what they want,” noted Life Lessons Funeral Home High School social studies teacher Gail Nailsmith, who fell victim to the group. “They formed a real fifth column, marching their way through the school with a singularity of purpose normally unseen in the girls of our area and really just getting right up into everybody’s shit.”
“If you get in their way, they get all up in your shit,” noted a fellow student who requested anonymity.
After briefly getting all up in everybody’s shit at the school, the group left the premises and began traveling around their Eastern Lankville hamlet of DeVries, where they got all up into the shit of a local man attempting to change a flat tire, a local woman chasing a tennis ball down the street and two local elderly men who were waiting for a buffet to open.
“It seems that the group really got all up into the [shit] of the two elderly men,” noted Detective Gee-Temple, who arrived at the buffet after the clique had already moved on. “The two men were quite rattled and some of their small personal effects were scattered about the parking lot. It’s something we’ll certainly have to look into once time permits.”
None of the girls had been identified at press time.
“We’ll be putting out some orange cones in strategic areas,” noted Gee-Temple. “Then, we’ll pull some school records. We’ll get to the bottom of this before long.”
Chastain, Creator of “Fuzzy Ponies”, Dead at 73
By Lloyd Byas-Kirk
LANKVILLE ACTION NEWS: YES!
Betty Chastain, the beloved creator of the “Fuzzy Ponies” series has died. The author was 73.
Detail of Chastain illustration from 1982 title “When the Fuzzy Ponies Dropped the Hammer”
“We responded to a call to the Chastain home early this morning,” said Detective Gee-Temple of the Lankville Bureau of Probes. “We discovered a great chasm beneath the Chastain home that led to an unspeakable, interdimensional demonic arena and it is here, unfortunately, that Mrs. Chastain met her end.”
Chastain published 47 titles in the “Fuzzy Ponies” series.
“She was best at identifying with the child reader,” noted area librarian Jean Folger (rated about a 7 out of 10 by this writer). “Although the Fuzzy Ponies often embark on many sudden, extraordinary adventures, they also go through many of the same things as the average Lankville child– things like brushing their teeth, going to the playground or riding in a car. That’s what makes Chastain so versatile– on one page a Fuzzy Pony is watching his surroundings decay and turn to dust and then, suddenly, with little or no explanation, is having a fun day at the park, prancing through the fields on the next page.”
Chastain made few public appearances in the last ten years of her life and published only one title– 2007’s The Regeneration of the Fuzzy Ponies. The book was not well-received.
“We are happy that Betty was able to bring so much joy and confusion to children,” noted the Chastain family in a prepared statement.
A small, restrained funeral has been planned.
SUNDAY FEATURE: Letters We Get From Old People
By Fletcher M. Gregory, Jr.
The Lankville Daily News is lusciously delighted beyond measure to present a new Sunday feature– letters we get from old people. Fletcher M. Gregory, Jr. served many years in the Lankville Air Legionnaires. He is now 85 years old and retired.
Mr. Gregory’s letter is to the Eastern Lankville Petroleum Company.
Dear Gentlemen,
My name is Fletcher M. Gregory, Jr. and I am 85 years old. Recently, my man-servant and chaffeur drove me to the local auditorium to attend a revival screening of the film Pardon My Trunk. It is a delightful Island film in which a family receives a clumsy elephant as a gift. But that is not why I am writing gentlemen.
After the film, my man-servant discovered that we were low on petroleum and he pulled into the nearest service station which happened to be an “ELP”. I must say, gentlemen, that both my man-servant and I were vastly disappointed. Firstly, an indigent lower-class person continually pestered my man-servant as he attempted to refuel the auto. The man kept saying, “I’m enjoying twenty-seven hours of wonderful sobriety, sir,” despite the fact that he was disturbingly inebriated. Then, without warning, he suddenly lurched forward and regurgitated what appeared to be a combination of malt liquor and some sort of orange, tubular-shaped snack food onto the rear window of my car.
Typical ELP service station.
I say, gentlemen, if you cannot keep your stations free of such human detritus, then your business shall surely suffer for it.
I am not finished, however. After my man-servant was able to free himself of this absurd individual, he went about the business of attempting to remove the vomitus expulsion from the rear window of the auto. Despite an exhaustive search, my man-servant could not locate a “squeegee” anywhere on the lot. He decided then to probe the attendant as to the reason for the lack of “squeegee’s”. He was (curtly) told by the lower-class attendant that we don’t got no squeegee’s. So now, gentlemen, I must ask– WHY? WHY ARE YOU UNABLE TO PROVDE THE CONSUMER WITH A SQUEEGEE?
Unless furnished with an appropriate answer, I will be unable to patronize your establishment in the future.
Limp regards,
Fletcher M. Gregory, Jr.
The Eastern Lankville Petroleum Company had not responded to Mr. Gregory’s letter at press time.
Correspondent: Royer Digs Many Pointless Holes; Collapses on Box of Irregular Jeans
By Don W. Coneman
LANKVILLE ACTION NEWS: YES!
From our Pyramid Area Correspondent Don W. Coneman in the Valley of the Small Kings, Outer Lankville:
Lankville business magnate Ric Royer, temporarily released from an area hospital, has been seen in the Valley of the Small Kings this past week, digging many large, pointless holes, sources are confirming. Yesterday, at a local market, the executive was found collapsed on a box of irregular jeans. His current whereabouts are unknown.
Locals have been mystified all week by the strange figure of Royer who is evidently wearing a large fake beard, rouge, eye-shadow and lipstick in an attempt to mask his identity.
Archaeologist Lee “Boom-Boom” Goldblatt has equally been flummoxed by Royer’s strange methods. “Well, all he had all week was a tiny little garden shovel, a lawnmower, and some tomato cages. He generally got tired after an hour or two of fruitless searching and had a handler drive him back to his room at the Magnanimous Boys’ Horn of Comfy Hotel.”
Royer: Pyramid Problems
Earlier in the week, Royer maintained he was “making great progress.”
“I feel great,” noted Royer, who paused to dump a child’s bucket of sand into a wagon. “It doesn’t matter that there are a surfeit of feckless corncobbers that surround these pyramids– the Creator has seen fit to put them here.” The enigmatic owner looked on disapprovingly as a native family crossed the desert on the back of a camel. “Imagine the moment when I open up the tombs and discover every mystery of civilization,” he added. “As it says in the ancient texts, the rocks of the earth will fold inward and we will crawl onto an axial plane,” the executive added after a moment’s reflection.
One of Royer’s handlers, who refused to be identified, gave a short statement as to the circumstances of the market incident yesterday.
“[Mr. Royer] disappeared from his room at the Horn of Comfy Hotel early in the morning while some of his wait-staff were asleep or otherwise distracted cleaning up a terrible mess at the foot of his bed. [Mr. Royer] was sleeping with several large pumpkins which is his custom around this time of the year and they had fallen onto the floor. At some point, he must have snuck away and wandered into the marketplace where he then collapsed onto the box of irregular jeans.”
“Nearby there was a vendor that had some regular jeans,” the handler noted. “Unfortunately, [Mr. Royer] was not in a state where he would have been able to shop selectively.”
A press conference is expected later today.
Precocious Madison to Release Second Video Game Tomorrow
By Grady Kitchens
LANKVILLE ACTION NEWS: YES!
Video game wunderkind Danny Madison has wasted no time in following up his smash hit puzzle platform “The Video Cube”. It was announced today that the precocious 12-year old will release his second video game tomorrow sources are now confirming.
Danny Madison, age 12.
“Fire Quasars” will go on sale at select retail outlets at noon. Long lines are expected.
“Fire Quasars represents the latest in experimental laser saucer technology,” stated Madison. “Unlike some earlier laser saucer efforts, Fire Quasars provides up to 846 different gameplay challenges, the electronically digitized voices of several famous actors and razor sharp digital graphics. I’m very proud of this one and we think it will be a big hit.”
Madison paused to program a series of calculators which were directly wired into a pizza. No explanation was offered.
Detail from “Fire Quasars”
“It’s another brilliant game from Madison,” noted video game critic and Electronics Cranny contributor Fritz Tennis. “The gameplay is set against a brilliant astronomical landscape. The spaceships, secret quasar targets and helicopters exhibit extraordinary realism. It is the most sophisticated game I’ve seen all year.”
Fire Quasars will be sold in versions for the Bubonos 2000 system and for “individual computer systems”. Retail prices are $59.99 and $69.99 respectively.
Royer’s Madcap Experiences: The Deceit That Will Deprive You of Your Harvest
By Ric Royer
As a younger man, I used to hang about with a guy named Howie. That was his last name– I never knew his first. He came from a poor section of Lankville Falls, littered with rusted aluminum trailers and trash-choked creeks. I recall that Howie’s Pappy had tried to paint the trailer but the effect was a bit like attaching shiny chrome to a barrel of shit. “You’ll not rise in social status,” I told Howie, as we stared at the freshly-applied silver finish, the rust still obviously apparent underneath. He put his head down and I put my arm around him and then pushed him ever so gently into a pile of mud.
People who live in trailers often have fireworks.
He sat in that pile of mud for quite awhile. Then: “I’ll cultivate here. We’ll have a bounty”. I laughed and shot off some fireworks. “You don’t know nothing about land. You’re trailer. Be easier if you just admit to it.” But he demurred and when I next saw him, he had a magnificent farm.
“Cheesus, look at them onions,” I said. “You doubted me,” he responded. “But look at those rows of corn.” Indeed, several of the trailers were now buried deep in the cornfield. “I’m trying to blot out this park with produce,” he said. “Lush, growing, flowering produce.” He looked far off at something unseen and then returned to his hoeing. I shot off more fireworks but nobody cared anymore.
I went off to college and Howie stayed behind. I visited him that first summer. His fields were completely dead. The mud was back. It rained incessantly.
“What happened?” I asked as we lazily watched wrestling on a black and white TV. “Wild Boy” Ric Tipps, my namesake, was fighting.
“It was my deceit,” he said. He drank some soda out of a Christmas-themed gravy boat. “I lied to the earth, essentially.”
I considered asking if he had any more fireworks but thought better of it.
“I had the promise of a great harvest,” he added. “But you were right. I’m trailer.”
He died in September. I did not attend the funeral but mailed along some chocolates. That’s what you do.
Creator of “Video Cube” is Local 12-Year Old
By Grady Kitchens
LANKVILLE ACTION NEWS: YES!
The creator of the enormously-popular new “Video Cube” is none other than 12-year old local resident Danny Madison.
Danny Madison, age 12.
Madison, who attends Lowinger Brothers Utility Sheds Middle School, took the first step towards translating classic puzzles into computer games last year.
“I realized that by allowing players to move the puzzle pieces around on their computer screens, you instantly eliminated the tiresome, wearisome, centuries-old problem of losing said pieces,” noted the amiable whiz kid. “There is nothing worse in the entire world than losing a puzzle piece and being left with what is simply an abominable box of disappointment,” Madison added.
After working closely with programmers over the summer, Madison introduced the Video Cube to Lankville in September. Sales have been astounding.
Detail of Madison’s “Video Cube”.
“[Madison’s] idea was revolutionary,” said programmer Lurv Sprayberry, who was part of the team that worked with the boy wonder. “He was able to take the features of a video game to create animation and the illusion of three-dimensionality and invent puzzles which could not exist in the real world.”
Critics have lauded the Video Cube’s ability to appeal to all different skill levels.
“Many who take a stab at the Video Cube will be able to master some element of it,” said Madison, who paused to utilize several calculators to activate a nearby oscillating fan. “The question is– will you be able to do it if the Video Cube is invisible?” Madison paused briefly for effect. “Imagine how hard it would be to locate an invisible puzzle in the real world, let alone in the video game world where we can suddenly shroud you in complete and total darkness.” Madison paused again, again for effect. “It will present a unique challenge to those convinced of their puzzle powers.”
The Video Cube retails for $499.99 and can be plugged into any standard Lankville-issue television set. It is available at most electronics retailers.
UPDATE: Bumpkin Revealed to Have Tail; Schropp Pacified
By Lloyd Byas-Kirk
LANKVILLE ACTION NEWS: YES!
BUMPKIN HAD PREHENSILE TAIL?
In an update on a story reported earlier this week, one of the bumpkins who was recently carried off by the wind was revealed to have a fully developed prehensile tail, eyewitnesses are reporting.
The bumpkins still didn’t have anything nice but one of them did have a tail.
The tailed bumpkin- the youngest of the seven bumpkins carried off by the wind that attacked a local trailer park– was never before seen pantsless, so neighbors had never noticed the tail before. “He was smiling the whole time, poor lad,” said a neighbor who identified himself as “Amos”, who claimed that he watched helplessly as the bumpkins were carried off by the zephyr. “All the other bumpkins were whisked off, but this bumpkin, he had a tail and he was just giggling and giggling and…” Amos then began to giggle himself until he could no longer continue the interview and went back to kicking a nearby wheelbarrow.
Police had no further comment.
SCHROPP PACIFIED?
Noted breakfast sandwich aficionado Brian Schropp issued a statement apologizing for his recent outburst during an interview with Lankville Daily News reporter Lloyd Bias-Kirk.
“First of all, a sincere apology not only to the paper but to the readers as well. I have been under extreme pressure recently in matters which I will get to shortly. But whatever the reason may be, it still does not excuse my harsh outburst earlier this week. I have eaten humble cake [sic] recently and hope you will forgive me.
Now, onto matters at hand. I am proud to announce that I am in the final stages of putting together another art book of my watercolor paintings of breakfast sandwiches. This one will actually be professionally spiral-bound! Gone are the garbage-bag twist ties that posed such a problem with my first book! I feel that, with my art skills vastly improving, this current book will receive a much wider audience. I am also fooling around with the idea of doing a Don Jars biography. Mr. Jars is, of course, the man who helped shape the modern breakfast sandwich which in turn shaped modern Lankville. My initial thoughts were to do a combination children’s “pop-up/scratch and sniff” style book but found the subject matter too serious and, frankly, a bit too complex for kids or even young adults. Please wish me luck on these endeavors.
Is this Man Happy Now?
Trying to break into the world of publishing is stressful enough but there has been another factor, another source of great stress which I dare say has a deeper meaning not only to me but others of my kind. I have been campaigning hard to have a question put on this year’s election ballot. I have proposed that it become Lankville law that all major sporting events (Small Motel Girl Wrestling, Lingus Nets, Tennis) have a breakfast sandwich option on their food menus. I believe strongly that this is a civil rights issue. Why should I have to look around the filled stadia or the cramped small motel girl wrestling rooms whilst others enjoy hot dogs and cheesesteaks with such ease when the breakfast sandwich is simply NOWHERE TO BE FOUND.
What people need to understand and realize is that a breakfast sandwich can be eaten at any time of the day. If you had one in the afternoon or in the evening, for example, you might not be so frightened of them. Your understanding would blossom. I believe with all my heart that I can help with that.
And media outlets like The Lankville Daily News can help spread the understanding too. Particularly, say, if they would run my heartfelt column FIRST before columns about bumpkins being carried off by the wind. Or, say, maybe…I don’t know…RUN MY COLUMN SEPARATELY? Am I really going to always follow bumpkins now, guys? Bumpkins and breakfast sandwiches share absolutely NOTHING IN COMMON. WHY ARE WE PAIRING THESE ARTICLES? But, never mind that. Peace and understanding. Breathe in and breathe out.
So now I ask, no I beg you, dear readers, while I am eating my humble cake [sic] that you please contact your local officials and help me get this on the ballot.
It’s time to take the great leap forward.
Ric Royer and Brian Schropp have contributed to these articles.
Crushed Chips Make Local Bagels Glow with Pride
By Larry “God” Peters
LANKVILLE ACTION NEWS: YES!
A foreign neighbor child was recently hanging out in the Bread Lodge Co-Operative Small Bakery the other day while its workers (also its owners) were making bagels.
“She was cute, little funny foreign kid, kind of supervising, asking questions and eating this bag of artificially-flavored chips, the kind of thing they probably don’t have in her backward, simple-minded birth-nation,” said Bread Lodge co-owner Lorang Ewing. “And then she said, you should put these on a bagel…”
Crushed Chip Bagels: ARE THEY ANY GOOD?
One perk to owning your own business is the ability to do whatever you want. That can be a downside at times but not last week. Not at all. Because that’s when Bread Lodge made the first “Crushed Chips Bagel.”
They pulverized three different bags of the brightest colored chips they could find and dipped the ready-to bake bagels into the mixture, instead of using garlic sauce or one of the usual toppings. “We found that the crumbs stay crispy for a good many hours,” noted Ewing (who was judged to be selling it in the backside but a little weak up front). “They crisp up again if you toast the bagel,” Ewing added. “We have the freedom to try these things instantly. We made them, put pictures of them up on the Internet and on fliers stapled to telephone poles and trees in the woods and the next thing we knew, we had sold, like, a hundred of them. It was a lot of fun.”
The bagelmakers make sure to use local ingredients in their concoctions, like flour made from Lankville wheat. Since the chips came from a nearby corner store, do they count as local?
Today, Bread Lodge will make a few hundred more Crushed Chip Bagels. They’ll make more on Friday. And then, they’ll make more again on Saturday and Sunday. The process will continue provided that the days continue to advance in their normal progression.
“We have a takeout window,” said Ewing. “So if you’re unsure of the idea of having chips crushed on a bagel, you at least won’t have to get out of your car. It won’t take a lot of exertion to give it a try.”
Each crushed chip bagel is $1.25.
The foreign child could not be located to be interviewed for this story.
Wrestling Tonight at Vitiello Decorative Hams Arena
By Watts Prisinski
Royer Entertainments, Inc. will host a series of wrestling matches tonight at Vitiello Decorative Hams Arena- starting time is 8:15. A series of patriotic pinwheel displays followed by the release of some exquisite doves is scheduled for 7:45.
Mr. Lankville, tonight at Vitiello Decorative Hams Arena.
Tonight’s card features an exciting opening match between “Mr. Lankville” and Phil “TNT” Tapes. It will be the first time the two sworn enemies have tangled since last summer.
“I’m looking forward to it, it’ll be the first time I’ve seen Mr. Lankville live,” noted Royer Entertainments CEO Ric Royer, who will be granted a “Wrestling Leave Night” from the Foontz-Flonnaise Home of Abundant Senselessness to attend the event. “I hope one of the wrestlers dies,” Royer blurted out, before a handler suddenly whisked the enigmatic executive away to a nearby office.
Also on the card tonight will be a tilt between notorious heel Gorilla Filters and Bill “House Show” Crowley, a steel cage match featuring two Outlands wrestlers making their professional debuts and a contest between Ringo Barnaby and “The House Dog” that will take place in a special ring constructed above a gigantic pit of fire.
“We’re hoping for an evening of family fun,” noted a Vitiello Decorative Hams Arena spokesman who refused to be identified.
2,000 tickets were reported as still available at press time.
Area Grocery Store to Dispense Utensils One at a Time
By Brock Belvedere
LANKVILLE ACTION NEWS: YES!
Barlow Foods is changing the way it offers plastic eating utensils in its cafe, and the new system is getting mixed reviews.
Instead of setting out forks, spoons, little shovels, and knives that are individually wrapped in plastic, the store is unveiling machines that dispense unwrapped utensils one at a time.
The new system was the brainchild of Barlow Foods CEO John Barlow. In an attempt to reduce food packaging waste, Barlow created a contest for employees to submit suggestions for sustainable packaging solutions.
“I shut down the contest almost immediately, however,” noted the enigmatic Barlow. “I had an epiphany about the unwrapped utensils and I knew that that would be the best idea. There was no point in going through the charade of entertaining other ideas.”
Barlow Foods CEO John Barlow
Barlow has also instituted “Single-Pull Napkin Allocators(TM)” with digital display faces that alert customers to the number of napkins they have taken.
“The numbers begin to turn scarier colors after five napkins,” noted Barlow. “We are not messing around here.”
Some folks, however want to return to the traditional method of plastic-wrapped cutlery, citing sanitary reasons. Others have voiced concern over the fact that a utensil can sit out in the open air for considerable periods of time before it is taken and used, since utensils are discharged immediately after the first is removed.
“I don’t care for it,” said Barlow Foods regular Cindy Hopkins (rated about a 7 of 10 by this writer). “I’m suspicious of the intent and I find the way that the utensils pop out at you to be a little insinuating.”
Nevertheless, the machines have accomplished what Barlow hoped they would do- cut waste. The stores have seen a 35 percent reduction in the number of utensils and napkins being used.
“Are you going to argue with those digits?” Barlow asked, as he rose to his feet. When no comment was forthcoming, Barlow smiled self-assuredly and noted, “Well, I think we know who’s in charge here.”
OPINION: I Can Still Get Through the Mural and Have Sex With a Lot of Guys
By “An Arrival”
For awhile, my Father in the Timeless Realm of the Gods prevented me from getting through the mural at Vitiello Decorative Hams Arena. Then, suddenly, one day it was open again. I just walked through and once again it became my point of entry to earth.
At first, I went through only occasionally– when Father was visiting other Realms, for example. Then I got careless and just started throwing myself at about any swinging dick that came along. I even went back with this guy that was incarcerated in a mental institution. For some reason they were letting him drive a van around. I was roller-skating by the river and he pulled up alongside me.
“Check out this van,” he said.
And that was it.
It went like that for awhile. Lot of waking up at noon, putting on tight green shorts with three stripes up the side, blow-drying my hair, skating around all afternoon by the beach, having sex with a lot of guys. And then one day, there was my Father in the Timeless Realm of the Gods, standing before me with the two servants of the Sphere behind him. They had just appeared all of the sudden out of this guy’s closet.
“Who is this creature?” he said in his typically booming voice.
“Kenny, I think,” I answered. I wasn’t even sure.
My Father in the Timeless Realm of the Gods nodded to the servants of the Sphere. They lifted Kenny up off the bed and took him out into the kitchen. I never saw him after that.
“The mural has been closed permanently,” My Father noted. He would not look at me but was staring at a magazine that was flung open over an office chair.
“You have had enough.” It was a statement, not a question but I decided to answer it anyway.
“Never. I could go on doing this forever.”
He picked up my skates then. Before my eyes, a chasm opened up in the carpet. And the skates were cast into them. The chasm closed.
And now I am back in the Timeless Realm. The portal is thick with briers and guarded daily.
Bumpkins Carried Off By Wind; Schropp Unsure of Future with News
By Lloyd Byas-Kirk
LANKVILLE ACTION NEWS, YES!
Some bumpkins were carried off by the wind last night in an Eastern Lankville trailer park, sources are confirming.
The bumpkins didn’t have anything nice, says Detective Gee-Temple.
“There were seven rubes inside the…little…camper thing,” noted Detective Gee-Temple, who was the first to respond to the scene and held a brief press conference in which no food whatsoever was served. “A supernal wind is believed to have come along and carried them off. We have no further information. The bumpkins didn’t really have anything nice inside the camper.”
The names of the bumpkins have not been released.
Other bumpkins who live in nearby trailers briefly spoke about the incident.
“One of them delivered for Pizza Monkeys. I used to see him in their uniform occasionally,” noted Wilt Spatz, 73, retired. “I think maybe they come from the North.”
Nothing happened after that and the interview was ended prematurely.
SCHROPP UNSURE OF FUTURE
Noted breakfast sandwich expert Brian Schropp says he is unsure of his future as a columnist with The Lankville Daily News. He consented to an interview.
Schropp: Having Second Thoughts
LBK: Why are you having feelings of uncertainty?
BS: Well, Lloyd, I’m just beginning to think that Lankville isn’t as ready [to embrace the breakfast sandwich] as I had previously thought.
LBK: Your articles have been well-received.
BS: They have. But only by a specific strata of the population. Those bumpkins you were writing about earlier– they were probably still having donuts or, God forbid, cereal in the shape of marshmallows for breakfast.
LBK: Don’t you think you need to build up…
BS: Lloyd…I…I can’t work under these conditions…for example, why is my article appearing second after the article about the bumpkins?
LBK: OK…calm down for a minute
BS(storming out): Lankville is NOT READY!
Schropp left the room and the interview was terminated.
Dick Oakes: Night Detective
Dick Oakes Night Detective
The Lankville Daily News is lusciously delighted beyond measure to present a new feature by Dick Oakes, Jr.
I pulled into the lot as the sun was going down. Just about everyone was gone. I went up the back steps.
Bingaman was up there. He always wore black suits, buttoned just above his round, pumpkin-like stomach and he had perpetually watery eyes. He never sat in a chair but always rested half-assed on the side of a desk. He tossed a folder at me and mopped his brow. It was hot as all hell.
“We got a possible suspect I need you to bring in– on that Saffran case. You’ll find the details in there. Take an extra cartridge though. Might be a bunch of hillbillies in that house, might not.”
I drove on out there and parked in an ancient, weedy alley around back. Several efforts had been made to pave the thing and then abandoned. Farm detritus was everywhere. There was a thick grove of trees and then an open expanse in darkness. I crossed it low to the ground. The house up ahead was dark.
They had sectioned off the part of the field nearest the house as a sort of backyard. It was full of seemingly pointless holes and there were shovels strewn about, all different sizes, some were strangely angled. There was an old banner strung between two trees that said, “HAPPY EASTER, LES”. It looked like it had been plugged full of holes.
What the hell kind of guys am I gonna’ find here I thought.
I reached the back door and waited awhile. Not a sound. I kicked it in. Somebody was right on me. He got a couple of good rights in but he was real weak on the left and I got him pinned to the floor. There was an extension cord on a sink in the kitchen and I got him tied up good and tight to a dining room chair. I leaned down.
“You know who I’m looking for. Let’s have it.”
“Rance’ll kill you.”
“Let’s give him a shot at it. Where is he?”
He didn’t say anything for awhile. I gave him that. I took out a flashlight and popped it on the dining room table. It was covered in dusty bound circulars for an appliance store. I knew the place.
“This must be where I’ll find Rance,” I said, holding one up.
He spit on the floor.
“Says his name on the bottom,” I noted.
He dropped his shoulders. Asshole I thought. I dragged him upstairs and shoved him into a hamper. He seemed to go somewhat willingly.
I made Tri-Town Appliance in fifteen minutes. It was closed– a dim light from somewhere barely illuminated the showroom floor. There were lights on upstairs though. I crept around to the back. There was a rickety wood staircase that led up to a back door. There was a beach towel hanging out to dry– it had a graphic of a red bulldog encircled with the legend, If You Cannot Run With the Big Dogs, It Might Be Better to Remain Seated on the Porch. Second time in an evening that I’d had to figure on the kind of man I’d find behind this door.
“I made Tri-Town Appliance in fifteen minutes.”
I kicked it in. He was sitting in the kitchen in his workshirt, a bare light bulb dangling above his head. On the table in front of him was a gigantic book with a series of color diagrams pasted in– different lines and arrows drawn all over the place connecting the shapes. There was a dog-earned binder nearby that had a label attached that read My Enzymes. I held the .40 on him.
“You Rance?”
He stood up and came towards me. He was old but strong. He got the .40 up in the air and for awhile, we rolled around on the filthy kitchen floor. I kept noticing that the workshirt had patches of different appliance brand names and a patch over the breast that said RANCE. That’d do for identification purposes later.
He gave a good fight but in the end I came out on top. I spun him around and cuffed him. He started crying. “I wanted the people to say that Ol’ Rance– he died in his sleep,” he said. “Ol’ Rance, he died while pursuing his favorite hobby, making graphs of his own enzymes,” he said. He was getting senseless. I jerked him to his feet. “Will they?” he asked. “I don’t know, man,” I said. But I couldn’t look him in the eye.
I put him in the backseat of the cruiser. “You want a washer/dryer combo?” he offered suddenly.
“Skip it,” I said.
We drove the rest of the way in silence. I pushed him up the back staircase and propped him up in front of Bingaman, who was moving some bagels around on an enormous tray.
“Well…this Rance on the Saffran case?” he said. He kept looking back at the tray for reasons unclear. His eyes were watering again.
“Look at the patch,” I said.
He studied it carefully. He didn’t say anything but he nodded his head and gave a little smile.
“You know what to do.”
I took him downstairs. Might be a break in the Saffran Case, might not.
Oral Histories of Some Former Lankville Pugilists
Rudy Ferguson
(1952-1959, 15W 9L 4KO)
I was East Lankville Amateur Junior Abundantweight Champion from 1950-1952 and I worked days at the Buntz Mallows factory. Knew Ferdinand Buntz a little bit. He was a friendly guy. Always had a big open box of mallows on his desk. Funny, they were mallows made by some other company. He preferred ’em.
Anyways, Mr. Buntz, he sponsored me for awhile, that’s when I was amateur champion. I did some radio ads for him. It was Mr. Buntz that encouraged me to go professional. It was a shame when they murdered him.
My first pro fight was at the South Lankville Tent Park. They’d take a dirt lot, see, and they’d set up about ten different tents and one of ’em would have a fight in it. I fought Cocoa Peebles to a draw. 15 rounds that was. Later, some of the Tent people, they said, “We can’t have no draw. Throw those baboons back in there.” So, we fought another 3 rounds and I knocked Cocoa out. Right through the ropes and into a rolling cart that had some salads on it. What a mess.”
Next up, it was Billy “The Doll” McGee. They called him “The Doll” cause he made little dolls. He had a business and everything. He did well with them little dolls. Had a catalogue. Oh, he ran that little doll thing for years.
I tore Billy up. Knocked him out in the third round, right through the ropes and into a rolling cart with some salads on it. I dunno why they kept having them at my fights but honest to Christ, that’s what happened.
Well, after that, they started pairing me with some tough guys. I got beat four straight at one point. I remember I tried to make the weight, move up a class to Unwieldyweight and I just got killed. I fought at the Lankville Round Garden against Rocky Peat [Unwieldyweight Champion, 1955-1959] and the Rock knocked me out in the first round. I ended up in the hospital. For about two weeks all I could do was piss in the air. I’d just piss straight in the air and fall back asleep. Nobody could figure it out. I fell outta bed once into a rolling cart of salads and it was like I suddenly woke up. I was alright after that.
I fought just a little after that but mostly concentrated on my work pulling levers at the mallow factory. I didn’t take it serious none after that. I knew I’d never be Unwieldyweight champ and that was the rage then. Anything less was nothing.
My last fight was in ’59 back at the Tent Park. I thought, “Damn, I’m back at the Tent Park, I ain’t moved up none at all.” I fought a 4-round no decision against some foreign guy whose gloves kept falling off. It was ridiculous.
I retired from Buntz in ’79. Built up a little patio in the yard. It’s been nice.
ACCOMMODATIONS
When staying in the Area Beyond the Outlands, pick the Murray. Friendly, creative staff, delightful beds, curtains. Phone Far Outlands 5-6712.
LANKVILLE DAILY NEWS: IN BOOK FORM!
The book is gone. It will never return. We hear stories but they are likely false. We live in the woods now. We make fire with a lighter that we found in the street. It was crushed by a truck but, somehow, perhaps through some intervention that is beyond us, it still works. We are waiting. We are waiting.
Original Pondicherry Association News promotional advertisement (2009)
TONIGHT ON TV! RICHARD AND THE POSTMAN REUNION SPECIAL!
The Hit program from the 1970's returns to Lankville TV tonight on LBC!
ADULT ADVERTISEMENT
Women all over Lankville are just sitting at mammoth computers waiting to hear from men like you! Just insert a floppy disk, write a (non-sexual) message and let the sparks fly! (Computer not included).
ADVERTISEMENT
A Vitiello Decorative Ham makes a great gift. Show that you care today.
BANDED DUFFELS ON PALLETS
Assorted colors. Whatever you want to do, man. Call Lankville Falls, 3247.
BRIAN SCHROPP IN THE LANKVILLE DAILY NEWS
The most important cuisine articles ever written.
CANDY
Jipps Co. Full Service Candy Counter! Our alert girls will push gummy drops into special paper sheaths, engage in restrained pleasantries and explain chocholate-to-nougat ratios. Call Central Lankville 3614.
CAT PHOTO
In compliance with Lankville subsection 11:16-4.
CHAMBERS CO. HAND DRILLS: When Electricity is Not an Option
When electricity is not an option consider the Chambers Company hand crank drills. Perfect for use in tight spaces, on distant islands or for drilling holes in fences to see TITS. Call 4-2309.
EMPLOYMENT
Big Ed's BBQ Shack is looking for a part-time waitress. Someone who doesn't nose around and ask a lot of difficult questions. Call Lankville Rougher Area, 5-2100.
EMPLOYMENT
Nuts, Ah! is looking for an experienced nut-handler. Experience with bagging nuts also important. If you break the nut sack, the nuts will drop onto the floor. Come in person for application to Twin Removed Pines Mall. NO CALLS.
FOX FOR PARTIES
Hire the Poetry Fox for Your Child's Next Party. Reasonable rates. Writes poems, dances, will not stand for any shenanigans. Call South Lankville 2009.
The funny stories of Dick Oakes, Jr. have thrilled millions. Look for them today in The Lankville Daily News!
GELSINGER’S ALLURE CLUB
Topless, bottomless wonderland. Mysterious back rooms. Carpeted entirely in astroturf. NO CALLS.
GREBOV BROTHERS TELESCOPE COMPANY
The Grebov Brothers are Lankville's finest purveyor of telescopes for astronomy enthusiasts. Substantial 4.5" apertures and fast f/4 focal ratios provide bright, detailed views of solar system targets like the Moon and planets, as well as wide-field celestial objects like nebulas and star clusters but also TITS.
GUMP PENETRATES
Only in The Lankville Daily News
HADBAWNIK HAUNTED STAIRCASE COMPANY
The Hadbawnik Company is Lankville's #1 installer of haunted, brush-littered staircases. Friendly non-foreign staff! Call Western (Outer) Lankville, 2154 or 2198 today.
HADBAWNIK HAUNTED BRUSH PILES!
The Hadbawnik Haunted Staircase Company is now offering haunted brush piles for use on your staircase. Create eerie, supernal ambiance. Allow the brush to blow haphazardly in the wind, creates fear, foreboding. Call our friendly staff of white people at Western Lankville, 2154. Brush piles may contain other forms of yard debris.
HEY! WANT A MONKEY?
Hey! Want a live little monkey? They do cute things like climb into pumpkins. Call "The Captain"- Central Lankville Hills, 5264.
HOME DUMP Your Neighborhood Hardware Store 16 Lankville Locations!
Weekly Special: Primitive Forged Hooks. Buy 4, Get a Can of Paint. Or Maybe Not. You'll Just Have to Find Out.
INFLAMED BY STARS AND BLOOD
Lankville's Premier Science Fiction and Horror Magazine Now Appearing in The Lankville Daily News!
JOHNNY PADRES, OPTICIAN
Lankville has been relying on Dr. Johnny Padres for their optical needs since 1973. We offer a full service family eye care center and provide examinations for glasses and contacts and have a large display of designer, traditional and innovative eyewear for both regular prescription eyeglasses and sunglasses all of which will enable you to see TITS better. Call Lankville Business 2618-2.
LIFE LESSONS FUNERAL HOME
Life Lessons Funeral Home has been helping Lankville with dead people since 1932. Contact Eddie or Stummins, Lankville Business, 5-2161.
LOOK AT THESE BEAUTIES!
Really some of our best ever! Have you ever seen anything like it? Call Kelly (male) at Lankville Sound 2615.
MISSING
Missing: adult penguin. Christ, I just let him out in the yard for one minute and now he's gone. Responds to the name "Richard". Call Lankville Eastern Outlands, 5-6213.
NOW PLAYING!
The Unhinged: A New Film by Tom "Vapor" Rayford. Crisp Street Cinema, Eastern Lankville
PINEAPPLE CITY: A New Way of Being
Pineapple City is a new way of being, feeling and having your shirt off. Located in the distant, barren Lankville Pines, Pineapple City is now accepting applications for sheds. Call PINES, 2-5771.
THE PUZZLER
In the pie chart above, what segment represents a certain specific strata of the general population?
REAL ESTATE
Little shed for sale. With door, mailbox, dirt plot. Site of multiple murders but don't worry, they happened around back. To inquire, come to the shed. Go around back.
REAL ESTATE
Four acre lot in Eastern Lankville Cove Area. Price reduced! Site of a fireworks display in which several people fell out of their lawnchairs and died. Locals believe it haunted but that's crap. Call Cove 2751.
THE RECKONER EXACTRA 2.0 : A Danny Madison Product
It's Your Time: CALCULATE
SARAH SAMWAYS: CONTRIBUTING FEMALE
Exclusively in the Lankville Daily News (and some other papers).
SPEAKING ENGAGEMENT
Robin Brox will sit around and get progressively more intoxicated while listening to this other broad natter on about something. LANKVILLE REGIONAL AUDITORIUM, August 4, 11PM.
SPEAKING ENGAGEMENT CANCELED
The Dr. M. Chambers speech and candy-making event has been canceled again following Dr. Chambers' sudden collapse into some baskets. New date TBA
TRAVEL TIPS by Randy Hammers
The Kum Back Inn in the Lankville Desert Area has long been serving road-weary travelers. They feature a restaurant (with cocktails) and two spacious conference rooms. The Kum Back boasts 65 units-- each including window dressing, some chairs and a larger chair (seats two smallish children), a bed with orange comforter, a plastic trash can, clever paintings, and a windowless door. TV also available in 17 (sometimes 19) rooms. Most of the rooms are air-conditioned. Oscillating fans available upon request. Illuminated carports will protect your vehicle from the vicious sudden dust storms that often overtake the Desert Area and the wild thieves that occasionally parade across the landscape like some unmentionable horror. Call now at TU-0780 and ask for Bud or Karen (married).
UTILITY YARD SHEDS
The Lowinger Brothers offer great utility yard sheds at low prices. This one is haunted. Call Lankville Port Area 1072.
VACATION PACKAGES!
Spectacular vacations in campers by little mountains. Your cares will melt away but you will have to be careful of that shack (pictured). A lunatic lives there. Call Mercantile District 2711.
WRESTLING TONIGHT!
8PM, Southern Lankville Man-Arena. Featuring Ric "Wild Boy" Tipps (green trunks).
ZACH KEEBAUGH INVESTIGATIONS
Only in The Lankville Daily News
The Lankville Daily News 
LETTER SACK