Archive
EXPOSE: Jury Duty in Lankville
By Dick Oakes, Jr.
LANKVILLE ACTION NEWS: YES! INVESTIGATIVE REPORT
A drab, windowless room lined with splintery wood benches– a motionless ceiling fan mounted to one wall.
A second, windowless room– this one with an ancient television that projects nothing but static. A speaker, mounted into the ceiling, plays light trumpet music once every two minutes. A giant stack of pumpkins in one corner– a sign placed before them reads, “NOTHING TO DO WITH THE COURTS”.
A third room deep in the bowels of the great courthouse. No one has any idea what goes on in here. No one will talk. Until now.
These are the rooms where Lankvillians do their jury service.
THE WEBSITE
“Happy Juror in Wheat”, an image from Lankville’s jury duty website.
Lankville’s jury duty website– lankvillejurorfun!.gov is a pleasing page full of images of people running through waving fields of grain and petting small farm animals and features a small area of restrained puzzles. The overview of the process reads, “Jury duty touches the inner lives of billions of Lankvillians every year. Be with us!” The “be with us” phrase is trademarked. A small flier can be partially downloaded before an error message was received on several Lankville Daily News devices.
Jury duty touches the inner lives of billions of Lankvillians every year. Be with us!”
THE PROCESS
At 5PM on the day prior to service, one calls an automated number to see if one has been selected (Lankville currently offers no online option). The sound on the recording is so low, however, and the voice of the speaker so muffled that one is generally forced to call back repeatedly. “It sounds as if the court official is talking into a big hat,” said one frustrated prospective juror. “Like one of those textured summer straw hats that’s been flattened to fit into a bag but has not yet resumed its normal shape– like the guy just started talking into one of those while it was still re-forming,” the juror added. Indeed, we noticed a strange, sort of crinkling sound on the recording.
“Yeah, the whole phone thing,” said a court official, who refused to be identified. “You’re talking about the hat recording, right?” We nodded. “Yeah, man.” The official took a booming pull off a soda straw and shook his head disgustedly back and forth. “That phone thing,” he said quietly.
DAY OF
On the day of their service, prospective jurors are ushered into one of the three rooms described above. An inside source, who we met in a fog on the Lankville heaths, indicated that the cohort taken to the third subterranean room, are invariably selected for service. “It’s been figured out months in advance,” the mysterious source stated. “The people in the top two rooms, they are subjected to minor irritants like the terrible snack foods and candy in the basically inoperable vending machines or when they wheel out the film projector and show that two and a half hour puppet movie but then, you know, they get to leave. The people in the third room– they stay for a long, long time.”
The source stopped short at revealing the source of the deceit. “Just think of The Grand Old Man. And then you can pick up the trail,” he whispered before disappearing into the mist.
The people in the third room– they stay for a long, long time.”
“THE GRAND OLD MAN”
“The Grand Old Man”, Judge Socquettes.
The sobriquet “The Grand Old Man” is often applied to the venerable Judge Socquettes, who has been meting out justice in Lankville for over 70 years. He has been the subject of poems and parade floats and his name graces the front of over 9000 buildings in coastal Lankville alone. Could there be a dark side to the great man?
A “legal professional”, who insisted on complete anonymity and spoke to us from the second floor of an abandoned barn in the Great Lankville Plains that had been blanched grey by the great, abominable obligation of time, placed the blame squarely on Socquettes.
“It’s that chest-pack radio. He puts on that chest-pack radio and listens to it and pays no attention to any cases. We have to retry again and again and again. And we have to keep juries there again and again and again. I’ve watched people on the jury just collapse– not the collapse of exhaustion or boredom but the collapse or pure purposelessness, a sense of deep existential purposelessness that causes celestial forces to just suddenly push the victim down to the carpet. It’s terribly sad.”
“Nothing can be done though until his hold is broken. Because none of that cohort, that poor third group is saying anything. You won’t get a word out of them,” our source noted.
Our source was right. Over one hundred phone calls were not returned.
Judge Socquettes refused to be interviewed for this story.
FOR CLB
I Want to Tell You All About My New Boyfriend
By Ashley Pfeiffers
OPINIONS OF YOUTH
Whenever I think of my new boyfriend, I just get the biggest smile. He’s down in a parking lot right now by the woods.
Twin Removed Pines Mall where my new boyfriend and I got our shakes.
Today, we went and got pizza. Just slices, not a whole pizza. He said, “I’m not even that hungry. Because, I’m full of love.” I just giggled and giggled and the guy behind the pizza counter got a little testy. Then, my new boyfriend and I went down under the overpass and I watched him spray paint a big giant kitten on the concrete.
I’m not even that hungry. Because, I’m full of love.
“It’s getting a little chilly in the late afternoons now,” my new boyfriend said. “Might be time to get a new hoodie.” So, my new boyfriend and I went to Twin Removed Pines Mall. He bought a couple of hoodies with all these jagged yellow designs all over them and some flared pants and then we got a shake. “One straw,” he told the shake guy. Then, he kissed me.
We went over to the table. “Why’d you kiss me in front of the shake guy?” I asked my new boyfriend.” “I don’t care if he sees,” he said. “It’s just you and me, Ash.” I just about died.
Then, it got to be about four o’clock and my new boyfriend had to be getting over to the parking lot by the woods. I went back to his room with him and he put on his new hoodie. Gosh, he looked good. “I’ve gotta’ be getting down to see the guys,” he said. “A lot of ideas flowin’ tonight.” I wasn’t sure what my new boyfriend was talking about but it didn’t matter.
We’re so in love.
The opinions of Ashley Pfeiffers are not necessarily the opinions of The Lankville Daily News or any of its subsidiaries.
Royer’s Madcap Experiences: The Girls at Washington Flats
By Ric Royer
There were some girls that operated a little bakery out of an old gas station. There was an ample little weedy parking lot and an old sign that had been changed out to show a close-up color photograph of a muffin. Dilapidated mill houses could be seen in the hills behind.
This was Washington Flats.
One day I waltzed in. I pretended to admire the fancy embroidered tea cozies and girly, racked greeting cards. Then I made right for the counter and the bakery case. One of the girls came out from the back.
She was a brunette with a round but pleasant face.
“So, what you got here, cookies?” I asked. I very slowly moved my index finger to a spinning basket rack of bagged heart-shaped chocolates. She watched me all the way. I fingered the metallic edge and then spun the rack furiously. She was going for it.
“Yes…here’s what we have today,” she said, not even pointing at the case. Everything was breaking down for her.
“Looks like you’ve been busy,” I commented. “Give me one of those chocolate tops.”
She removed the tray from the case and started to bag it.
“No, no,” I said gently. “Feed it to me.”
She was trembling now but she held the cookie to my mouth. At first, I allowed my tongue to tickle the edge and then I suddenly bit into it ferociously, shaking my head side to side like an animal.
It was done. With one arm, I cleared the counter.
Later, in the back room, I turned to her.
“I actually am hungry. Why not bring one of those trays back here?”
She proudly brought back a full tray of tea cakes. I ate them half-heartedly. I hate tea cakes.
But that’s what you get when you allow for a trip to Washington Flats.
Lankville Mom Empowers Women By Feeding Cave Hermits
By Mrs. Larry Temple
UPLIFTING STORIES OF LANKVILLE: YES!
She’s a mother of six, a Small Child Scouts leader, and a college administrator with a Ph.D., but her unusual hobby is taking Lankville by storm.
Cheryl Sheets shows off a turkey that will be fed to a cave hermit.
In her spare time, Lankville Southern Far Away Suburb resident Cheryl Sheets, 38, changes from her dress clothes to a special jumpsuit, climbs up into the hills, and feeds cave hermits.
“Most people didn’t know that I fed cave hermits until I came to work one day with this necklace made out of a bunch of big bulky rocks,” Sheets says. “I had to explain that [the necklace] was a gift from a cave hermit. That just kind of got the ball rolling.”
She started when she was a little girl in Deep Lankville where several of her relatives were cave hermits. “We had a little more in life– Dad repaired soft toys– and so I learned early to give something back. Give something back to the people in the caves.”
But Cheryl didn’t truly get started in hermit cave-feeding until about three years ago. Now, it’s a family affair. Sheets’ daughter, mother and small husband are now involved in the practice.
“I wish I would have started younger. But, it’s an expensive hobby,” Sheets notes. “All those huge turkeys. It adds up.”
Her dreams came true when she graduated from a Ph.D. program at the University of Far Away Suburban Lankville and her small husband bought her an array of portable food serving trays as a present. The rest is history.
Typical cave hermit.
“She really ran with it once she had those lovely trays,” stated hubby Kevin Sheets, who works as a costume designer. “Those trays are silver-plated brass and have the classic shapes and beveled edges of a hotel collection. Really chic.”
Sheets just got her first sponsorship from Vitiello Decorative Hams, which should allow her to continue the practice far into the future.
“The hermits are never sure what to do with a decorative ham but it does brighten up their caves,” Sheets noted.
For Sheets, it’s more than just the thrill of feeding a cave hermit though. She’s hoping her participation in the activity inspires other women to defy the odds and break barriers.
“You’ve got to get yourself started [in hermit cave-feeding]. You just have to be who you are, strong, overly-confident, in complete control of your family and everything after that will fall into place.”
News in Brief
By Brock Belvedere
LANKVILLE ACTION NEWS: YES!
THEME PARK TO OFFER BANANA CHIPS
An unidentified creature was found murdered today near a wooded area in the Lankville Plains. It is rumored that several pitchforks were sticking out of the carcass.
“The Thrill Ball”– another expected feature of Sensational Mons Island.
“I’m not going to comment on the pitchfork business,” noted Lankville Bureau of Probes Detective Gee-Temple who was the first to respond to the scene. “The creature was partially cooked and is definitely not human and also not animal but that’s not the first time we’ve seen things like this in Lankville. You boys know that,” the intrepid Detective added.
Construction workers discovered the body as they were clearing the area to begin work on a new 40-acre theme park slated to open in the spring.
“Sensational Mons Island” will feature four thrill rides, seven games, a challenge tent and a cave bear. A press release issued by a mysterious source known only as “The Berube of Mons Island” stated that the park will be the first of its kind to offer free banana chips. These chips are edible but can also be used as tokens to enjoy rides, play games or to feed the cave bear.
Executives at Sensational Mons Island, Inc. did not respond to repeated phone calls.
ROYER IMPROVING; ATTENDS PIZZA PARTY
Business magnate Ric Royer is improving after an incident with a cake two nights ago that left him severely burned and even attended a pizza party last night for inner-city Lankville youths.
“Pizza is man’s great equalizer,” the executive said during a short ceremony. “It brings people of races and colors together. If you’ve experienced great creeping horrors, pizza is a great healer.”
Royer stayed for the duration of the event and ate more pizza than anyone else.
HADBAWNIK PUMPKIN ARTICLE CRASHES WEBSITE
David Hadbawnik’s recent article on the proper disposal of pumpkins crashed The Lankville Daily News’ website, the News is reporting.
Everyone loved Hadbawnik’s pumpkin article.
“It was our most popular article of the year,” noted senior editor Marles Cundiff. “Literally, hundreds of thousands of people tried to gain access to the article at one time. Our site exploded.”
Area newsstands and magazine shops are reporting a similar run on the print issue.
“We sold out in 15 seconds, once people realized there was an article on how to properly dispose of pumpkins inside,” said Jackie Keys, owner of Keys’ Newspapers and Beer Hut in Northern Lankville.
Hadbawnik was pleasantly surprised.
“I knew the article would touch a nerve but I didn’t think it would be as popular as it has been. Hopefully, it fosters a sense of community and helps people make their homes beautiful for the holidays,” the columnist said, in a prepared statement.
Royer Reported Hurt in Cake Incident
Kimball J. Cranney
LANKVILLE ACTION NEWS: YES!
A photo taken shortly before Royer caught fire.
Incarcerated business magnate Ric Royer has been hurt in an incident involving a cake, sources are confirming.
“We don’t have a lot of information at this time,” stated Warden Jenness of the Foontz-Flonnaise Home of Abundant Senselessness, where Royer is currently living. “There was a cake, the cake issued forth hot fire and blistering sparks and Mr. Royer was hurt severely. We took him to the hospital as soon as the cake was finished.”
Royer’s whereabouts are currently unknown. Several people involved in the cake incident are being held by the Lankville Bureau of Probes.
“We’ve heard some conflicting stories. He may have caught on fire but we’re not sure. We’ll get to the bottom of it,” assured Detective Gee-Temple.
Area Hospital Tabs Former “Pill Pirate” as House Detective
By Grady Kitchens
LANKVILLE ACTION NEWS: YES!
Eastern Defoliated Area General Hospital has hired a new house detective in an effort to combat a recent wave of crime. His name?
The infamous “Pill Pirate”.
The announcement was made this morning in a joint press conference between the Pirate himself, now known as John Berunds, Lankville Bureau of Probes Detective Houston Gee-Temple and Hospital administrator Kurt Rumbus in which no food whatsoever was served.
“Eastern Defoliated needs a man like John,” noted Rumbus. “Our losses due to theft are in the millions this year alone. Thieves have been taking everything from pills and medical supplies to entire room furnishings including sofas, patient beds, and beautiful framed artwork. As you can imagine, it’s very difficult to do our jobs with these sort of shenanigans going on.”
“Pill Pirate” turned writer/detective John Berunds.
Berunds, who became reformed in 2001 and began a second career as a successful author of spiritual science fiction novels, spoke briefly of his time as the legendary pirate.
“I stole pills from nearly every hospital in Lankville,” noted Berunds, who now lives quietly with his wife and 14 children in an area suburb. “It was entirely to support my own spiritual illness, you understand, I was chemically altering my life in a way to make it tolerable because I was failing to look within but also without and also up and also over the mountains, the spiritual mountains, you understand. When I was finally arrested [in 1997], I vowed to help others via my literary gifts and also by catching and bringing to justice others in the same predicament. There can be no healing until one is shoved into prison. I believe that.”
“I’m looking forward to assisting Eastern Defoliated,” Berunds added, after an eerie silence.
Berunds would not elaborate on what means he would employ to catch prospective thieves but did say that anything is on the table.
“I would have no problem dressing up as a nurse. Or a female patient. Or a female visitor,” noted the famous bandit turned scribbler. “I have a number of costumes.”
Berunds will begin his latest position some time in the next month.
Five Ways to Repurpose Leftover Pumpkins by David Hadbawnik
LANKVILLE ACTION NEWS: YES! NEWS YOU CAN USE
David Hadbawnik is Lankville’s premier authority on the proper disposal of pumpkins and gourds.
Each day, I receive hundreds of thousands of emails from readers just like you, asking about proper methods of pumpkin disposal. So, for those in a pumpkin crisis, I’ve laid down a few easy tips. So grab a cup of coffee, take a deep breath, relax, do a few light stretches and then read on:
1. If your pumpkin is whole and uncarved…consider moving him (all pumpkins are masculine) inside to be part of your Thanksgiving holiday decorations! I can’t tell you how many people come up to me in restaurants, bus stations and outside and say, “David, you wouldn’t believe how a few pumpkins transformed my otherwise moribund Thanksgiving interior decor!” I’m never surprised– after all, pumpkins add a splash of orange to maize displays, cranberry candle exhibits and glittered leaf table decor. And they remind us of some of our earliest Lankville settlers who ate a lot of pumpkins so there is historical value.
2. Donate them to a zoo…there is nothing a zookeeper likes better than looking up to find a family toting a rickety wagon full of old pumpkins into the park. If they refuse (they shouldn’t!), then simply make a few calls to any nearby pumpkin farm worker and ask them what to do.
3. If you carved your pumpkin just a few days prior to Halloween, then you should be able to still use the innards (or, as I like to call it, “the orange gold”) for soups, pies, candy or soda. Note: a 5-pound pumpkin can make about two 9-inch pies (utilize an electronic device for further calculations).
Not sure what to do with ALL THOSE PUMPKINS? David Hadbawnik breaks it down for you.
4. How about trying to learn more about pumpkins? Understand them better? Start a neighborhood garden and pumpkin dump. Get to know the people in your community.
5. Feed your pumpkins to a horse– or to someone who has a horse. Always ask permission first! Horses love pumpkins almost more than zoo animals. In fact, of all the animals, horses are known to like pumpkins best. (Reader recommendation).
As always, enjoy and happy holidays!
DHad
Cones Used to Fucking Mean Something
Fingers Rolly Man on the Street
Used to be, those faggots in orange hats would put out some cones and you’d stay the hell away. It meant something. Now? Don’t mean shit.
Cones have lost their meaning, Fingers Rolly suggests.
They put a cone on the corner of a sidewalk by some son of a bitch bush. There ain’t nothing there- not a goddamned reason for there to be a cone. It just sits there like that fucking desert, just mocking me from my kitchen window. That motherloving cracked brown whore. “You’ll love living in the desert,” the realtor said back in the day. Wish I could find that mollycoddled little asshole now.
Nowadays, people have private cones. What in the hell does that mean? You can just go into Home Dump or some bullshit place like that and buy a whole stack of ’em. You don’t have to show no identification or nothing. Fucking nonsense.
I loathe the desert.
The Lankville Daily News would like to apologize for the preceding article. Mr. Rolly was assigned an article on recycling efforts in the Lankville Highlands.
Royer’s Madcap Experiences: The Haunted Profiterole
By Ric Royer
I decided to order a profiterole for dessert. The waiter brought me a copy of Profiterole Digest. The cover showed a gigantic pile of profiteroles photographed in a red wagon. “We have everything in there except for custard, chocolates, and the one that has the hose attached so you can suck out the cream.” He pressed his crotch as he said that last part but I decided to ignore it.
I went with the “Special Occasion Profiterole”. The waiter disappeared. Ten minutes later, another waiter appeared with the pastry. He went away wordlessly.
I stared at the profiterole. They had presented it well– there were little lines of chocolate all along the plate edge and a series of minced strawberries along one side. They had also placed a little off-white card and the words “pastry ball” had been written there in fine calligraphy. There was also an emergency number printed on the back.
I picked up the profiterole and ate half in one bite. It was then that I became aware of an eldritch phantasm from beyond the borders of this world.
It was then that I became aware of an eldritch phantasm from beyond the borders of this world.
I dropped the profiterole. It had turned green and was covered in blood. I could taste the gore in my mouth but could not expel it. Two waiters, watching from behind a ledge and a series of hydrangea bushes, suddenly expired.
“It was a hell beast, unleashed by your indulgence,” said a voice that sounded not unlike a kindly grandfather. I fell over backwards in my chair. Next, I was being dragged by something unseen, deeply into the purlieu. There seemed to be a lot of vomit there.
The next thing I remember is the cargo train. I was packed roughly into a boxcar full of sacks of grains. There was another man there who had had a series of pastries slammed against his face. He nodded slowly.
It was then that I could finally scream.
Local Office Snack Table Deemed a “Torrent of Lavishness and Superabundance”
By Brock Belvedere
LANKVILLE ACTION NEWS: YES!
A local office snack table has been deemed a “torrent of lavishness and superabundance” by staff members, sources are confirming.
The snack counter, located in the rear of the Supps Cleaning Supplies Quality Control and Safety Division, has drawn immediate and widespread praise.
The cornucopia of snacks that has the business world abuzz this morning.
“We usually have some good snacks, Barbara does a good job of putting a wide range of options out for folks,” noted Director of Communications Glenn Sundberg. “But, when I went back today, I was just blown away. The horn blew for us today and the music that came out was plenty.”
The offerings included two portable pudding packages, an apple, a granola slab, a dish of assorted candies, coffee, and a platter of meats (not pictured).
“I just had a brainstorm to include the meats and the coffee,” noted administrative assistant Barbara Aase, who has been in charge of snack placement in the office for eight years. “I thought the meats would go at lunchtime but people gobbled them up so fast that your photographer couldn’t even include them. I’m not even sure what happened to the protective plastic cover– I think it was crushed underfoot and then hurled far away in the confusion. Anyway, I’m glad people are pleased.”
The luxurious bounty has a dark side, however– two employees are currently missing.
“We have no idea what happened to Dawn and Gerard,” noted Sundberg, as he polished off one of the puddings. “As Barb noted, there was a lot of confusion back there when the word got out. Hopefully, we’ll see them later in the day or maybe tomorrow.”
Aase says that she will experiment with other layouts in the coming days.
“It’s all about presentation,” she noted, as he began scrubbing down the walls surrounding the snack table. “I’m glad everyone is having a good time.”
Royer to Launch Dating Site Tomorrow
By Gump Tibbs
LANKVILLE ACTION NEWS: YES!
Royer Entertainments CEO Ric Royer announced today that he will launch his new dating website tomorrow at noon.
“Smackers.com” claims to provide a unique personality profiling analysis via a series of detailed questions that endeavor to gauge “value systems”, “beliefs”, “preferences” and “interests”. The site has already drawn criticism, however, from some dating experts.
“The name of the site is rather provocative for starters,” noted critic Dawn Halpers. “There is bound to be some immediate confusion.”
Royer, who was interviewed while installing some new pieces to his voluminous illuminated porcelain Christmas village, refuted the comments.
“The site is about bringing the lonely together. It’s very scientific. Everyone is having a wonderful time.”
The CEO began screaming suddenly when a porcelain figure of an elderly lady holding a shopping bag toppled over. The interview had to be ended prematurely.
Halpers noted other issues with “Smackers.com”.
“The questions are unique but not particularly conducive to matching two personalities for dating purposes. If you look at some of the questions– this one, for example– “Do you believe that the kisses of stars rain hard upon the body?” followed by a rather senseless numerical rating sequence of 1-7. It’s hard to imagine how answering that question would bring you any closer to finding your perfect match,” the critic opined.
Nevertheless, “Smackers.com” already has over one billion pre-registered users and appears destined to become Lankville’s number one online dating service.
SAMPLE QUESTIONS FROM SMACKERS.COM PROFILE ANALYSIS
| -Rate your travels in the Land of No God. 1 2 3 4 5 6 7
-Are you done with the illusions of dogma? 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 -Do you eat animals? 1 2 3 4 5 7 8 -Woman stands alone as the High Priestess of Love at the Altar of Life and man
|
Lankville Rising Citizen Award Goes to Engines
Mrs. Larry Temple
LANKVILLE ACTION NEWS: YES!
Miss Holly Engines, daughter of Mr. and Mrs. Willard Engines of Route 16, Lankville Highlands, has been selected by the Bureau of High School Achievement Probers as recipient of the 2014 “Rising Citizen Award” sources are now confirming.
Mrs. Holly Engines, Rising Citizen.
Holly was selected on the basis of dependability, service, folding, leadership, and extreme patriotism. She was an overwhelming choice of the Bureau.
“Holly has a heart of gold,” said Bureau member and small pizza magnate “Inner Hammer”. “She took this contest and blew everyone else out of the water. She grabbed this contest and pumped it up like a god damn pyramid, is what she did.”
Holly has been quite active in school, ranking in the top 5% at Supps Bleach and Cleaning Supplies High School throughout her first three years. Along with her academic standing, she has been quite active in extra-curricular activities which include the following: Band 9-11, Chorus, 9-11, Restrained Volleyball 9-11, Track, 9-10, Forensics 9-11, Pep Club 9-11, Lingus Nets 9-11, Yearbook 9-11, Sad Drama Club 9-11, Phone Manners 10-11.
Holly, a junior, has career plans which include college at the University of the Eastern Hills of Lankville.
The Award includes a small university stipend and a year’s supply of small pizzas.
“We’ll be taking care of Holly,” noted “Inner Hammer”. “She won’t have to worry about ordering any god damn small pizzas for awhile. It’s a good lesson for all the kids out there.”
No Update on Wind-Blown Bumpkins: Schropp on Breakfast Sandwiches
By Lloyd Byas-Kirk
LANKVILLE ACTION NEWS: YES!
No updates are reported on the bumpkins who were blown away by the wind last week.
No update on the bumpkins, Gee-Temple says.
“I’m not sure what you’re looking for Lloyd,” said Detective Gee-Temple. “Getting blown away by the wind is an act of finality. There are no updates and there never will be any updates.”
Gee-Temple took a sip of coffee and admired the morning sunrise out of his office windows.
“They’re gone,” he added after some time had passed.
SCHROPP ON THE MOMENT THAT CHANGED HIS LIFE FOREVER
Breakfast sandwiches– yes, they are my life. Ever since that fateful June day long ago when one was placed before me– a starry-eyed lad in search of a dream, a reason to believe, FOUND, after taking that first bite. I still remember the crunch, the bite of bacon with egg and cheese in between that warm, tender biscuit. That moment everything became more real and unreal at once, like I was newborn again. The whiteness of the paper plate with the small grease stains left by the sandwich. The heat of that June morning warming back through the window. My Mom’s voice seeming a million miles away, asking me if I wanted milk or orange juice. Why? Why would I need further essence? I recall thinking as I stared at the strawberry toaster pastries left out for me in case I didn’t like the breakfast sandwich and knowing that I was leaving those pastries behind FOREVER.
Schropp knew he was leaving those pastries behind forever.
Oh yes, breakfast sandwiches are my life. But the time has come to expand my horizons. Not only for the greater good of Lankville but, I don’t know, maybe to GET OUT FROM BENEATH THE SHADOW OF THE THESE BUMPKINS? IS THIS EVEN A STORY GUYS!!?? THERE IS NO UPDATE ON THEM!! CUISINE NEED NOT BE PAIRED WITH A STORY ABOUT BUMPKINS! IT MAKES NO SENSE WHATSOEVER. But…that’s ok. I’m calm now.
Anyway, I have decided to include other food passions of mine (buffets and anything fried) to my future articles. I believe these two food arenas will find similar zeal in many residents here and I would love to bring you my future thoughts and reviews– perhaps in, you know, a DEDICATED food column. My family (particularly the female members) have long remarked how I am a “sweet, sensitive man” and, in turn, I feel as if I have a “sweet, sensitive food palate” which I hope you can come to trust.
The Trinity by Brian Schropp (2013).
Please do not worry that this will lead to me writing less and less about breakfast sandwiches or people’s right to eat them anytime or anywhere. I have already addressed some fellow members of the BSU (Breakfast Sandwich Underground) and their concerns. And I would like to take this opportunity to announce an upcoming art show of mine (basement location yet undetermined) which will feature several paintings of breakfast sandwiches. One will be included with this article as a little “teaser”, shall we say.
Until my next article Lankville, keep your mind and mouth open to anything new that might come your way!
Happy Eating,
Bri
Five Things You Need to Know About Candy Corns
By Zach Keebaugh
NEWS OF THE SEASON
With Halloween fast approaching, you may think that by picking up a couple of packs of candy corns, you’re doing the kids in your neighborhood a favor, right? Perhaps. But first, maybe you better take a minute and learn a little something about this polarizing small candy.
1. PEOPLE LOVE CANDY CORNS OR THEY VIEW THEM AS AN UNMENTIONABLE LANKVILLE NIGHTMARE– THERE’S NO MIDDLE GROUND
Yeah, man– for a seemingly innocuous little bullshit treat, candy corn sure sparks a lot of opinion. When I recently polled some friends in preparation for this article, I got over a million responses.
“I become sick every year,” one friend (a woman) wrote. “I throw up for nearly a week. Nothing but bile and candy corns. Just over and over and over again into the toilet, the mop bucket, into the street, wherever. Just bile and candy corns.”
“HATE CANDY CORNS. Cannot emphasize the word HATE enough,” said another friend who utilized a yellow highlighter device on her email to make it especially clear.
“I love ’em yo’,” said a good friend (and fellow News contributor BIG CHIPS). “They’re awesome. Like little candy pizzas, man.”
About half the people surveyed admitted to liking the stuff.
Candy corns. Do you know five things about them?
2. IT USED TO BE MADE IN COUNTRY POTS
Snagged this fact off the net. Apparently, candy corns used to be made in these giant pots that they only had out in the country. These assholes would cook sugar and corn syrup into a sort of slurry and then pour it out into kernel-shape trays. “The Buntz Mallows Company of Lankville was the first company to sell candy corns commercially,” noted Gordon Dillard, who claimed to be some sort of candy historian or something. “Funny thing is, Buntz still sells them!”
I didn’t really get the joke but whatever. Used to be made in country pots.
3. THERE’S A PROPER WAY TO EAT THEM
So, about half the people I surveyed said that nibble on candy corn from one end. The other half say they just pop the whole fucker in their mouth and be done with it. “The proper way is to begin nibbling from the narrow white end,” said Dillard.
“Why?” we probed.
“Etiquette,” he responded.
4. THEY CAN BE DEEP-FRIED
An ex-girlfriend of mine recently posted a recipe on some blog that involves rolling a bunch of candy corns in a ball of dough and then frying it in hot oil.
Crazy whacked bitch, I initially thought.
Turns out though, it’s true.
“Why wouldn’t we fry candy corns?” said a chef who asked to remain anonymous. “Frying makes everything taste better.”
I thought about pushing the big white hat off his head but decided against it.
5. THERE ARE VERSIONS FOR OTHER HOLIDAYS
This, I didn’t know. Turns out, candy corns are not just for Halloween any more. They got candy corns for Easter, Christmas, Saint Virgil’s Day and the Opening Feast. Manufacturers even put them out in different colors to match the occasions.
I got nothing else to say on this matter, man.
ACCOMMODATIONS
When staying in the Area Beyond the Outlands, pick the Murray. Friendly, creative staff, delightful beds, curtains. Phone Far Outlands 5-6712.
LANKVILLE DAILY NEWS: IN BOOK FORM!
The book is gone. It will never return. We hear stories but they are likely false. We live in the woods now. We make fire with a lighter that we found in the street. It was crushed by a truck but, somehow, perhaps through some intervention that is beyond us, it still works. We are waiting. We are waiting.
Original Pondicherry Association News promotional advertisement (2009)
TONIGHT ON TV! RICHARD AND THE POSTMAN REUNION SPECIAL!
The Hit program from the 1970's returns to Lankville TV tonight on LBC!
ADULT ADVERTISEMENT
Women all over Lankville are just sitting at mammoth computers waiting to hear from men like you! Just insert a floppy disk, write a (non-sexual) message and let the sparks fly! (Computer not included).
ADVERTISEMENT
A Vitiello Decorative Ham makes a great gift. Show that you care today.
BANDED DUFFELS ON PALLETS
Assorted colors. Whatever you want to do, man. Call Lankville Falls, 3247.
BRIAN SCHROPP IN THE LANKVILLE DAILY NEWS
The most important cuisine articles ever written.
CANDY
Jipps Co. Full Service Candy Counter! Our alert girls will push gummy drops into special paper sheaths, engage in restrained pleasantries and explain chocholate-to-nougat ratios. Call Central Lankville 3614.
CAT PHOTO
In compliance with Lankville subsection 11:16-4.
CHAMBERS CO. HAND DRILLS: When Electricity is Not an Option
When electricity is not an option consider the Chambers Company hand crank drills. Perfect for use in tight spaces, on distant islands or for drilling holes in fences to see TITS. Call 4-2309.
EMPLOYMENT
Big Ed's BBQ Shack is looking for a part-time waitress. Someone who doesn't nose around and ask a lot of difficult questions. Call Lankville Rougher Area, 5-2100.
EMPLOYMENT
Nuts, Ah! is looking for an experienced nut-handler. Experience with bagging nuts also important. If you break the nut sack, the nuts will drop onto the floor. Come in person for application to Twin Removed Pines Mall. NO CALLS.
FOX FOR PARTIES
Hire the Poetry Fox for Your Child's Next Party. Reasonable rates. Writes poems, dances, will not stand for any shenanigans. Call South Lankville 2009.
The funny stories of Dick Oakes, Jr. have thrilled millions. Look for them today in The Lankville Daily News!
GELSINGER’S ALLURE CLUB
Topless, bottomless wonderland. Mysterious back rooms. Carpeted entirely in astroturf. NO CALLS.
GREBOV BROTHERS TELESCOPE COMPANY
The Grebov Brothers are Lankville's finest purveyor of telescopes for astronomy enthusiasts. Substantial 4.5" apertures and fast f/4 focal ratios provide bright, detailed views of solar system targets like the Moon and planets, as well as wide-field celestial objects like nebulas and star clusters but also TITS.
GUMP PENETRATES
Only in The Lankville Daily News
HADBAWNIK HAUNTED STAIRCASE COMPANY
The Hadbawnik Company is Lankville's #1 installer of haunted, brush-littered staircases. Friendly non-foreign staff! Call Western (Outer) Lankville, 2154 or 2198 today.
HADBAWNIK HAUNTED BRUSH PILES!
The Hadbawnik Haunted Staircase Company is now offering haunted brush piles for use on your staircase. Create eerie, supernal ambiance. Allow the brush to blow haphazardly in the wind, creates fear, foreboding. Call our friendly staff of white people at Western Lankville, 2154. Brush piles may contain other forms of yard debris.
HEY! WANT A MONKEY?
Hey! Want a live little monkey? They do cute things like climb into pumpkins. Call "The Captain"- Central Lankville Hills, 5264.
HOME DUMP Your Neighborhood Hardware Store 16 Lankville Locations!
Weekly Special: Primitive Forged Hooks. Buy 4, Get a Can of Paint. Or Maybe Not. You'll Just Have to Find Out.
INFLAMED BY STARS AND BLOOD
Lankville's Premier Science Fiction and Horror Magazine Now Appearing in The Lankville Daily News!
JOHNNY PADRES, OPTICIAN
Lankville has been relying on Dr. Johnny Padres for their optical needs since 1973. We offer a full service family eye care center and provide examinations for glasses and contacts and have a large display of designer, traditional and innovative eyewear for both regular prescription eyeglasses and sunglasses all of which will enable you to see TITS better. Call Lankville Business 2618-2.
LIFE LESSONS FUNERAL HOME
Life Lessons Funeral Home has been helping Lankville with dead people since 1932. Contact Eddie or Stummins, Lankville Business, 5-2161.
LOOK AT THESE BEAUTIES!
Really some of our best ever! Have you ever seen anything like it? Call Kelly (male) at Lankville Sound 2615.
MISSING
Missing: adult penguin. Christ, I just let him out in the yard for one minute and now he's gone. Responds to the name "Richard". Call Lankville Eastern Outlands, 5-6213.
NOW PLAYING!
The Unhinged: A New Film by Tom "Vapor" Rayford. Crisp Street Cinema, Eastern Lankville
PINEAPPLE CITY: A New Way of Being
Pineapple City is a new way of being, feeling and having your shirt off. Located in the distant, barren Lankville Pines, Pineapple City is now accepting applications for sheds. Call PINES, 2-5771.
THE PUZZLER
In the pie chart above, what segment represents a certain specific strata of the general population?
REAL ESTATE
Little shed for sale. With door, mailbox, dirt plot. Site of multiple murders but don't worry, they happened around back. To inquire, come to the shed. Go around back.
REAL ESTATE
Four acre lot in Eastern Lankville Cove Area. Price reduced! Site of a fireworks display in which several people fell out of their lawnchairs and died. Locals believe it haunted but that's crap. Call Cove 2751.
THE RECKONER EXACTRA 2.0 : A Danny Madison Product
It's Your Time: CALCULATE
SARAH SAMWAYS: CONTRIBUTING FEMALE
Exclusively in the Lankville Daily News (and some other papers).
SPEAKING ENGAGEMENT
Robin Brox will sit around and get progressively more intoxicated while listening to this other broad natter on about something. LANKVILLE REGIONAL AUDITORIUM, August 4, 11PM.
SPEAKING ENGAGEMENT CANCELED
The Dr. M. Chambers speech and candy-making event has been canceled again following Dr. Chambers' sudden collapse into some baskets. New date TBA
TRAVEL TIPS by Randy Hammers
The Kum Back Inn in the Lankville Desert Area has long been serving road-weary travelers. They feature a restaurant (with cocktails) and two spacious conference rooms. The Kum Back boasts 65 units-- each including window dressing, some chairs and a larger chair (seats two smallish children), a bed with orange comforter, a plastic trash can, clever paintings, and a windowless door. TV also available in 17 (sometimes 19) rooms. Most of the rooms are air-conditioned. Oscillating fans available upon request. Illuminated carports will protect your vehicle from the vicious sudden dust storms that often overtake the Desert Area and the wild thieves that occasionally parade across the landscape like some unmentionable horror. Call now at TU-0780 and ask for Bud or Karen (married).
UTILITY YARD SHEDS
The Lowinger Brothers offer great utility yard sheds at low prices. This one is haunted. Call Lankville Port Area 1072.
VACATION PACKAGES!
Spectacular vacations in campers by little mountains. Your cares will melt away but you will have to be careful of that shack (pictured). A lunatic lives there. Call Mercantile District 2711.
WRESTLING TONIGHT!
8PM, Southern Lankville Man-Arena. Featuring Ric "Wild Boy" Tipps (green trunks).
ZACH KEEBAUGH INVESTIGATIONS
Only in The Lankville Daily News
The Lankville Daily News 
LETTER SACK