Archive
When You’re Ramping it Up with Big Chips, You Don’t Need No Safety Net
By BIG CHIPS, Special Correspondent
When you’re out ramping it up with Big Chips, you don’t need no safety net. What you need is a big barrel of OPEN MIND, a loving, flowing elixir of OPEN MIND to wash all over you, man.
I was out the other night with “The Cut” and “The Cut” said, “Yo, let’s go sit in the hilly parking lot and look out over the housing development.” And I thought, “man, this guy is like a wizard”. So, we scored a couple of packs of Dew Kitchens and three or four cow’s tails and drove on out there and watched the sunset. Distantly, you could see a Dad standing around in his driveway with a limp hose. “Look at that guy man,” “The Cut” said. “He’s got the whole exquisite dream right there in his hand.” I thought about asking what he was talking about but then I just said, “Yeah, yo. It’s beautiful” and turned the map light on for effect.
When I got home, the Old Man was there. “What’d you do today, Big Chips?” he said. “I exposed myself to exquisite beauty,” I responded. “Oh, that’s always good,” he said. “I mean, I worked all day in an overheated office but, whatever.” He went upstairs and turned on the clock radio. That’s the kind of life he leads.
Because he’s always been afraid to ramp it up with Big Chips.
The Electronics Cranny: New Products!
By Fritz Tennis Electronics Expert
MARINE RADIOTELEPHONE from Applied Restrained Electronics, Inc.
A new marine radiotelephone (No. 21) made by the Applied Restrained Electronics Company of the Deep Lankville Savannah Suburban Area (West) has been released. “It incorporates a four-channel, crystal-controlled transmitter in combination with a tuneable broadcast and 3 to 4 mc. receiver,” noted A.R.E. executive Donnie Shay, who was interviewed after emerging from an “adult bookstore”. “It’s designed for the layman to be able to call boats. It’s real easy, almost foolproof because of the press-to-talk button feature,” Shay added.
“I’d rate it a 3 out of 5,” said Dr. Harold Zahl, noted electronics expert. “It’s true that you can call boats, which is nice. But the marine band becomes less relevant with each passing day. You listen to the Island Coasts Guards basically. And a lot of times, it’s either prerecorded samples of those little marches they like or just pure, unadulterated filth. The Island Coasts Guards are famous for just endless streams of lewd pointless filth,” concluded Zahl.
RADIOACTIVITY CHECKER from The Tubelabs Company
The Tubelabs Company of the Lankville Peninsula has released yet another radioactivity checker for use in schools. Included with the checker are glass tubes and special wire-attached “Probers” which allow for better portability. The checker is capable of detecting gamma rays, high energy beta rays and halved container (c.) rays.
Local science teacher Mr. McClendon did not mince words. “It’s a big ass,” noted McClendon, who was wearing a short-sleeved white button-up shirt. “It is not capable of teaching kids anything at all and the lights don’t even turn on so I can’t even use that as a distraction for twenty minutes or so. It’s a big, giant ass. I hate it.” Experts seem to concur. “I took it into an area heavy on radioactivity– right over by Vitiello Decorative Hams Arena where they let off those nuclear bombs,” said Neil Cuppy, columnist for The Electronics Cranny. “It didn’t register a thing. But then, when I carried it into a darkly-lit burrito joint, it started beeping like crazy. Granted, the burrito joint was a mistake– there were only four booths, for example, and people were making out in two of them. The burritos were hard, half-frozen in the middle. One of the worst meals I’ve ever had. Still, there should have been no radioactivity there and, thus, I think the machine is faulty,” Cuppy concluded.
PRECISION BOBBINS from the Great Eastern Bobbins Concern
Lauded as the greatest bobbin to yet hit the market, the Great Eastern Bobbins concern founder John Kidd states, “coil performance and the quality of the bobbin that you use are inseparable. “These bobbins feature low moisture absorption, swagged tube ends and are great space savers. They always will remain intact even if they are somehow involved in the most violent of challenges. We believe in them.”
Experts don’t. Says Dr. Ed Hearns, “I wouldn’t use these. They may be fine for the limp sort of fellow who’s just sitting around in his basement or garage late at night, probably drunk, probably a little fat, a little undersexed. These are alright for that guy. But for the expert, no.” Hearns picked one of the Precision Bobbins up as though he were carefully removing an errant hunk of excrement. “No, these…I mean, look at the winding area, look at the poor sizing, the lack of shape options– all you get are squares. No, no, these won’t do.”.
We hope this week’s episode of “New Products” will give you an idea of the exciting new options out there in the field of electronics. Look for further articles in future issues of The Lankville Daily News”!
Lankville Girls to Visit Pyramids
Kimball J. Cranney
LANKVILLE ACTION NEWS YES! LOCAL
Some Lankville girls gathered in front of a tree today and announced their intention to visit the pyramids. The visit will take place in late August.
“The Lankville pyramids are renowned for their great mystical beauty,” said South County High School junior Pat Tabler, who is spearheading the trip. “We have spent a lot of time as a collective, meditating beneath an open metal-poled tetrahedron and now we want to take it to the next level and see what the pyramids have to offer,” Tabler added.
South County High School executives, however, are not thrilled by the idea.
PYRAMID GIRLS- Crouching: Belle Zuvella, Claudette Washington. Standing: Pat Tabler, Michelle Easler, Gail Iorg, Pat Borders
“Access to the pyramids is via a long desert road and there are only a couple of motels along the way,” said South County principal Flinders Yett, who was interviewed in his office. “Plus, they claim that they’d like to have a big slide show come the first of the school year and right now, frankly, this institution does not have any slide projectors. They got danced on accidentally. It was dark and it was completely by accident. What I’m suggesting though is that these girls–they’re going to make us look like a bunch of rummies.”
Yett knocked over a box of pencils in disgust.
“I’m excited,” said junior Claudette Washington, who was sporting a lovely thin summer sweater and tight denim pull-on’s. “My boyfriend was recently killed in a challenge and some of my other boyfriends have been killed in challenges too and then there’s just some guys that I’ve been having a good time with. Just hanging out in fields around a fire and having a good time. Little bit of roller skating, some hanging out under highway overpasses, little bit of just talking about pyramids, you know, man?”
“Right now, we’re going around to local businesses trying to drum up sponsors,” added Tabler, who intervened. “We believe the trip can have tremendous benefit for South County, for all of Lankville, really.”
Interested local concerns are encouraged to contact Miss Tabler at South County 5-2331. Businesses that have already contributed include Buntz Mallows, Hadbawnik Brush Piles, Chambers Company Hand Drills and several “Flying D’s” Service Stations.
You Start Fucking Around With One of Those TV’s and You Might as Well Just Piss Your Entire Day Down the Fucking Toilet
By Fingers Rolly Man on the Street
God as my witness, you start fucking around with one of them TV’s and you can just piss the entire day down the fucking toilet. I had one of them big old shitboxes. Wood inlays, built-in speakers– there was enough room on top that you could put out an entire fucking chuck roast and serve it up– with trimmings. Fucker started to go up– the picture started to slowly disappear. Thought I was going fucking blind and also crazy. They said, “You’re gonna need another one” and I cursed them out. But the picture kept disappearing so I finally said, “Bring me some new shit and hurry up about it.” So they did.
Used to be, you had a big dial you’d turn on. Now you have this little shitbird of a button. I’m pressing and pressing and nothing happens. So I went out into the kitchen for awhile and screamed at that broken bullshit asshole of a desert. Fucking brown jerk-off of a desert. I go back in and finally get the fucker to turn on. Just a bunch of nonsense. I sat and watched the nonsense for awhile and then I managed to hit some other shitbird of a button and some other program come on. It was some foreigner in her pajamas. She was sitting on a couch with some big ugly puppet. I don’t know what the fuck it was about. So, what I’m basically hinting at is that I pissed the entire fucking day away.
The Lankville Daily News would like to apologize for the preceding article. Mr. Rolly was assigned an article on the opening of a livestock fair in Southern Lankville County.
Funny Stories by Dick Oakes, Jr.
By Dick Oakes, Jr.
They were shooting some business about a guy in an ape costume who was chasing a cave woman across a bridge. I caught on as an errand boy.
“We need someone to run into town for sandwiches. Or, if someone needs new pants. You know, that kind of thing,” the producer said during my interview in his trailer.
“I’m your man,” I said. I was lying.
The first four days nothing happened. They kept trying to shoot this one scene of this actress trying to cross a bridge. Damned if it made any sense at all. Then, on the fifth day, they asked me to run into town, pick up some sandwiches from some place called “Don’s”. They loaned me a car– a late model with plush seats. It was like a god damn couch on wheels. I smoked to keep awake.
There was a town. If four run-down stores and a gas station is a town. Don’s was a little further out– in an area that suddenly went from sunflower bushes to pure white sand. I couldn’t account for any of it.
Don was waiting with a couple of bags on the counter in front of his hairy arms. He was wearing a paper hat and he had a three-day growth. There was no one else in the place.
“You Oakes?”
“Who else would I be?”
“Are you a fucking smart ass, you want these sandwiches and these delicious tureens of coleslaw, you better not be a fucking smart ass.”
“Alright, alright, I apologize.” I didn’t want any business. Not today.
We chatted awhile. I told him about the movie.
“They’ve been trying to film that for years. Never works out. We sell a lot of sandwiches though.”
I turned to leave.
“Hey,” he called out. “Whyn’t you skip out on your hotel, come stay out back tonight. We got a couple different cuts of slice, if you know what I’m saying.”
I thought about it. But there was no way. I had been drinking all morning. There was nothing else to do.
When I got back to the set they had shut everything down. They had left a little note on a pink card. They didn’t need sandwiches any longer, it said. And they were good on pants. Gave me the address of some garage. I was to bring the car there.
I didn’t even have to think about it.
I headed west.
Tip From Royer Leads to Tire Thief
By McGriff Key
LANKVILLE ACTION NEWS, YES!
Lankville business magnate Ric Royer was credited with giving police a tip which resulted in the apprehension and conviction of an alleged tire thief.
Trumpets Meyer of South Lankville was arrested Sunday night after a probe by city detectives. He was given three consecutive life terms this morning.
Royer touched off the theft probe Saturday when he called firemen to quell a grass fire in the Lankville Heights Area. Once the conflagration had been extinguished, firemen discovered the remains of four new tires in the lot. They notified police.
Ric Royer: Hero
“It’s true that I set the field on fire,” noted Royer, who was given a small trophy for his act of heroism. “But I did not realize the new tires were there. It was only later that they were discovered.”
Detectives said they caught Meyer Sunday night as he dropped from the roof of a tire company building carrying three tires.
“He said that he had put the tires on the roof and waited until the company’s closing time to retrieve them,” noted Detective Gee-Temple, who made the arrest. “We asked him then about the burned-up tires in the field and he admitted to those as well.”
“It’s another wrong made right,” Gee-Temple stated after several moments of awkward silence.
“I’m glad that these tires are back home,” said Royer, in an extremely loud voice when asked about the tires. “I did set the field on fire and some other fields that same night and also two houses but it’s alright. It’s terrible to steal tires.”
Royer noted that Twin Removed Pines Mall (where he currently resides) does not have a tire shop.
“It’s strange when you think about it,” Royer said, in the same odd loud voice. “I’m happy to be able to contribute to the capture of a tire kidnapper.”
Royer laughed very lightly and the interview was ended prematurely.
Dr. Kevin Thurston Answers Your Questions
Dr. Kevin Thurston
Dr. Kevin Thurston is an expert on men’s feelings.
Dear Dr. Thurston,
I have trouble connecting with women. I get nervous and I vomit when they’re around. What can do I do?
Nervous and Vomity
Lankville Desert Area
Dear Nervous and Vomity,
It’s important first of all to always keep breathing. Breathe deeply and from the stomach. Continue to breathe like this whenever you’re around a woman. The second thing that is important is to always express your feelings. This can be anything from, “I don’t like these pizzas, I’m sending them back” to “When we made love, I saw a big, beautiful female moon from which I gained my energy.” As long as you’re honest and straightforward, you should never be afraid. If you are still afraid, I do have some polo shirts available– three pack for $9.99. The plastic wrap is a little torn and someone crossed out the brand name but otherwise they’re as good as new.
Dear Dr. Thurston,
Is it OK to steal mail?
(Name and address withheld)
Hello,
I have an old Islander woman/saint for whom I feel great devotion (we used to date a little) who once said to me, “It is and it isn’t, and neither is it nor is it not.” She was filled as much with wisdom as with love though, frankly, a little more wisdom than love. Take heed of these words. And if you do decide to stop stealing mail (and maybe even give some of it back), I have some plastic tubs that came without tops that would be ideal. $10 a pair.
Dear Dr. Thurston,
Is there some sort of method by which I can take one sudden leap to the mountaintop rather than the slow-ass winding journey that I’m getting really tired of and not learning anything from?
Tired of Walking
Southern Savannah Portions
Dear Tired,
You must continue on the slow, winding path. For it is a journey– a wonderful journey of exploration, learning about feelings, fear and joy. We must offer ideals but we also must suggest ways to attain these ideals. You are on the right path– do not tarry. And right now, for your journey, I have a real nice mismatched luggage set– a little dented and one of the cases used to have a bunch of police-confiscated weapons in it but otherwise it’s gorgeous. Must be seen to be appreciated, $59.99.
Boat Authorized
Larry “God” Peters
LANKVILLE ACTION NEWS, YES!
Purchase of a $6,000 boat has been authorized, sources are confirming.
The Lankville Pines Board of Recreation Supervisor Tuxedo Chrissy will purchase the boat with funds to come from a $10,000 budget set up for the department of parks and recreation. The supervisor specified that the boat will be operated on reservoirs throughout the Pines.
Tuxedo Chrissy, Supervisor
Although the boat will remain under the direct supervision of the board, Lankville National Statistician Ernst Conde said that the boat will probably be assigned to the sheriff’s office. Conde said the board is still shopping for the boat but plans to buy an aluminum hull. “It will be a versatile boat. They can use it to rescue people and also for patrolling,” Conde advised. Conde’s head suddenly morphed to the shape of a summer squash and the statistician had to be carried to the nearest hospital.
Questioned by The Lankville Daily News on the matter, Tuxedo Chrissy advised, “Well, we gotta’ have this boat, OK. You come up with one thing, I come up with another and if we can’t get the two to meet, well then we’re gonna’ have a problem.”
Tuxedo Chrissy bristled at the idea of the boat being assigned to the sheriff’s office.
“He just got that $900 for air conditioners. I’m keeping that boat. That boat is rightfully mine.”
742 people have died in Lankville reservoirs in the past year.
“Bit of a spike,” noted Detective Gee-Temple, who was surprised by the figure. “Hopefully, that boat will help. It usually helps.”
You’ve Been Thinking About that Presentation Oar, Haven’t You?
By Floyd Tingley
You’ve been thinking about that presentation oar, haven’t you? A lot of people are like you. They read my article a few months ago and they said, “Hurrmpff! What do I want with one of them?” And then you thought about how good it would look in your basement, den, or boat. Am I right?
Well, fortunately, at Tingley Presentation Oars, we don’t hold no grudges. You want a presentation oar, you came to the right place. Right now, we’re even having a small sale. $195 a presentation oar. Now, before you go writing me and saying, “Hey Floyd– that’s the price you said last time”, let’s make something clear. The price went up. Went up to $215 but right now, just because I know you’ve been thinking about it, I’m going to lower it back to $195 just for you.
Comes with a little gold plaque. I’ll put anything you want on there. Put your name, someone else’s name, the name of your craft, whatever you want. Just no nonsense. No humor. I don’t stand for any of that.
You can write me: Tingley Little Presentation Oars, 55 Knobs, South Lankville, 2-111. Serious inquiries only. Be sure to inquire soon– there’s gonna be a long waiting list at these prices.
The opinions of Mr. Tingley are not necessarily the opinions of The Lankville Daily News and its subsidiaries.
Legalities Delay East Lankville County Library Project
By Mrs. Larry Temple
LANKVILLE ACTION NEWS, YES!
Legal delays are expected to put the completion of the new main branch of the East Lankville County library system a minimum of 4 years away, sources are confirming.
The breakdown of the construction timetable was revealed in Thursday’s meeting of the East Lankville County Board of Trustees.
“We’re sort of at a standstill,” said Board Chairman Damaso Moseby, referring to the legal holdup of the building’s construction.
Damaso Moseby: On the Hot Seat
Library construction had proceeded well and rapidly for months at the old Meyer Plantain Hut building at the corner of Little Sherman Avenue and Eastern Lankville Route 31. Then, when a series of mysterious fires racked the area and a criminal complaint was issued against Moseby, the plans were cut short.
“He set all the fires and he sells drugs,” said Gladys Milton, who operates an aquarium across the street from the proposed location and filed the complaint. “We don’t want him in our neighborhood.”
Moseby denies the allegations and points to his clean criminal record and years of public service. “We’re just trying to build a library out of a plantain hut for the Eastern Lankville community,” the beleaguered chairman stated. “I really don’t know where [Ms. Milton] is getting these ideas.”
Today, the board will reconvene to amend the current policy regarding the lending of reference materials. “We want to be able to continue to provide for the Eastern Lankville Community and we hope to make it easier for individuals to borrow items from the storage facilities under the supervision of the branch manager or librarian in charge,” stated Moseby. “However, patrons will not be able to visit our current site, which should be consider closed until further notice.”
“I’m happy about that,” said Mrs. Milton, when informed. “He sells drugs. He’s a drug dealer and a firestarter. It’s for the best.”
Lankville Television Counselor for Friday
| (2) LVOV | (7) LDFF | (10) LCRE | |
| 6PM | The Clarity Hour with Myoist Hines | Johnny Samples helps people get their keys out of their cars. | LCRE’s Pastor Forum. Rev. Elliott Minster, Rev. Collingswood Tucker |
| 6:30 | “ | NEWS PRECIS | The 6:30 News with Linwood Probert |
| 7:00 | Would You Like to Win All These Wonderful Things? (GAME SHOW) | Restrained Bloopers | The Ric Royer Dance Connection (LIVE) |
| 7:30 | Zoo Chase (GAME SHOW) | Trupper James, M.D. | “ |
| 8:00 | The 8 O’Clock Movie: SIMMERING HEAT (1969) Starring Lin Boppitt, “The Best”, Raymond Toda | SPORTS: Small Motel Girl Wrestling (PRE-RECORDED) | Richard and the Postman |
| 8:30 | “ | “ | The Joffertons |
| 9:00 | “ | Funny Jokes (WARNING: VIOLENCE) | Family Matters (NEW!) |
| 9:30 | “ | A Probe with Shelley Reports: The Rise of Challenges in Lankville | Future Court |
| 10:00 | SPORTS: Lingus Nets Challenge (LIVE) | Fantasy Hill | ALL ANAL HOUR (restricted) |
Lankville Merchants Claim Shoplifting Epidemic; Pondicherry Probes
By Bernie Keebler
Senior Staff Writer
LANKVILLE ACTION NEWS, YES!
Merchants across Lankville are in agreement that a shoplifting epidemic is gripping the nation.
“Everyone in the strip mall is getting hit hard,” noted Dot Peg, owner of the Eastern Lankville Craft Barn. “Our inventory for last month is unable to account for 698 items, 12 fixtures and an entire shelving unit. We can only put the blame on shoplifters at this point.”
Surprisingly, police records in the capital and surrounding towns show only one arrest on the books for the month of June, despite general agreement among merchants that losses were heaviest during that period.
“It’s not on our radar,” noted Detective Gee-Temple from his spacious offices at the Lankville City Courthouse. “We haven’t had any calls or, at least, we haven’t answered any. But it’s something we might be able to look into.”
Dot Peg, owner of The Craft Barn.
A group of merchants have taken the complaint straight to President Pondicherry, who promised a probe just before leaving for his summer vacation.
In a short speech from a battered lectern on someone’s lawn, Pondicherry stated, “we will probe this. If the initial probe fails to reveal anything, the probe will be extended.”
Still, detectives feel that there are very few professional thieves in Lankville.
“It’s tempting, I’m sure,” noted Gee-Temple, who reached to close some blinds which, unfortunately, fell to the floor in a clatter of twisted ersatz wood. “It looks like it would be easy and it actually is easy,” added Gee-Temple, after he pushed the collapsed blinds beneath a nearby bookshelf. “It’s very easy to steal from most stores,” Gee-Temple reiterated.
In the meantime, many merchants plan to add special techniques to catch shoplifters and initiate special training among their employees to stop the rogues.
“It’s shoot to kill at The Craft Barn now,” noted Peg. “The nonsense ends today.”
From Where I Sit…by Joe Marsh
Joe “Cup and Saucer” Fisher- who just retired after 47 years on the Southern Lankville Railroad- was telling about a salesman who was often one of his passengers.
“That man was so busy,” said “Cup and Saucer”, “he used to bring a taping recorder [sic] on the train to catch up on his letters. On one trip, he’d been rushing around so much that he clean forgot to bring his ticket. Left it on his desk.”
When “Cup and Saucer” started to tell him not to worry about the ticket, the salesman burst out with, “who’s worried about the ticket? It’s just that now I don’t know what city I was going to get off at!”
Of course, we all fell off our sitting logs laughing.
Who knows if “Cup and Saucer” was pulling our leg but from where I sit, lots of us get so wrapped up in ourselves that we forget “where we’re going”. Some folks even get so narrow-minded that they even begrudge their neighbors the right to enjoy a glass of dangerous woods liquor now and then. Let’s not forget that just as trains run on steam and oil, democracies run on freedom and tolerance!
An Apology
The flawed photograph ran in Tuesday’s edition of the Lankville Daily News.
The Lankville Daily News would like to apologize to Mr. and Mrs. Daren Marzano of Outer Lankville.
The News published a photograph on Tuesday of the recently-wedded couple in our “Married” column. Regrettably, one of our designers accidentally cut-off Mr. Marzano’s head while cropping and simply “redrew” Mr. Marzano rather than admitting the error. This designer has been executed.
The Daily News regrets the error.
Paul E. Turtlott Claimed by Death
Brock Belvedere Senior Staff Writer
LANKVILLE ACTION NEWS, YES!
Death has claimed the life of Paul E. Turtlott, former mayor of Lankville’s Northern Hole Area, the Turtlott family is confirming. Turtlott was 84.
Paul E. Turtlott has died.
Mr. Turtlott was born in the town of Roogs in 1930 to Steve E. Turtlott and Mary Turtlott, nee Jones. He obtained a law degree from the Small University of Eastern Lankville in 1954 and ran the Turtlott and Turtlott Law Firm with his younger brother Jimmy Turtlott until 1962 when the elder Turtlott sought office.
Turtlott held the post of mayor of the Northern Hole Area from 1963-1978.
“Turtlott was a great mayor,” said former associate Jackie Pears, now 78. “Turtlott had a lot going for him and people in the Northern Hole Area liked Turtlott. Turtlott was their man in a lot of ways. They used to say, “Turtlott is for the People” and I think that’s very true about Paul E. Turtlott.”
Funeral services will be held at the Vast Tabernacle for Expeditious Prayer in the Northern Hole Area on Friday. Turtlott will be interred on Saturday at Buntz Mallows Memorial Cemetery. He is survived by his wife Eleanor Turtlott and his children Steve Turtlott, Drane Turtlott and Gladys Milton nee Turtlott.
“We’ve lost a prodigal son in Turtlott,” noted current Northern Hole mayor Rick “The Dragon” Micks, who was interviewed while pushing his tray along a tubular cafeteria slide and staring at food options through a smudged sneeze guard. “The Turtlott name is no small thing in the Northern Hole Area. So, we’ll see how these mashed potatoes turn out and call it a day.”
ACCOMMODATIONS
When staying in the Area Beyond the Outlands, pick the Murray. Friendly, creative staff, delightful beds, curtains. Phone Far Outlands 5-6712.
LANKVILLE DAILY NEWS: IN BOOK FORM!
The book is gone. It will never return. We hear stories but they are likely false. We live in the woods now. We make fire with a lighter that we found in the street. It was crushed by a truck but, somehow, perhaps through some intervention that is beyond us, it still works. We are waiting. We are waiting.
Original Pondicherry Association News promotional advertisement (2009)
TONIGHT ON TV! RICHARD AND THE POSTMAN REUNION SPECIAL!
The Hit program from the 1970's returns to Lankville TV tonight on LBC!
ADULT ADVERTISEMENT
Women all over Lankville are just sitting at mammoth computers waiting to hear from men like you! Just insert a floppy disk, write a (non-sexual) message and let the sparks fly! (Computer not included).
ADVERTISEMENT
A Vitiello Decorative Ham makes a great gift. Show that you care today.
BANDED DUFFELS ON PALLETS
Assorted colors. Whatever you want to do, man. Call Lankville Falls, 3247.
BRIAN SCHROPP IN THE LANKVILLE DAILY NEWS
The most important cuisine articles ever written.
CANDY
Jipps Co. Full Service Candy Counter! Our alert girls will push gummy drops into special paper sheaths, engage in restrained pleasantries and explain chocholate-to-nougat ratios. Call Central Lankville 3614.
CAT PHOTO
In compliance with Lankville subsection 11:16-4.
CHAMBERS CO. HAND DRILLS: When Electricity is Not an Option
When electricity is not an option consider the Chambers Company hand crank drills. Perfect for use in tight spaces, on distant islands or for drilling holes in fences to see TITS. Call 4-2309.
EMPLOYMENT
Big Ed's BBQ Shack is looking for a part-time waitress. Someone who doesn't nose around and ask a lot of difficult questions. Call Lankville Rougher Area, 5-2100.
EMPLOYMENT
Nuts, Ah! is looking for an experienced nut-handler. Experience with bagging nuts also important. If you break the nut sack, the nuts will drop onto the floor. Come in person for application to Twin Removed Pines Mall. NO CALLS.
FOX FOR PARTIES
Hire the Poetry Fox for Your Child's Next Party. Reasonable rates. Writes poems, dances, will not stand for any shenanigans. Call South Lankville 2009.
The funny stories of Dick Oakes, Jr. have thrilled millions. Look for them today in The Lankville Daily News!
GELSINGER’S ALLURE CLUB
Topless, bottomless wonderland. Mysterious back rooms. Carpeted entirely in astroturf. NO CALLS.
GREBOV BROTHERS TELESCOPE COMPANY
The Grebov Brothers are Lankville's finest purveyor of telescopes for astronomy enthusiasts. Substantial 4.5" apertures and fast f/4 focal ratios provide bright, detailed views of solar system targets like the Moon and planets, as well as wide-field celestial objects like nebulas and star clusters but also TITS.
GUMP PENETRATES
Only in The Lankville Daily News
HADBAWNIK HAUNTED STAIRCASE COMPANY
The Hadbawnik Company is Lankville's #1 installer of haunted, brush-littered staircases. Friendly non-foreign staff! Call Western (Outer) Lankville, 2154 or 2198 today.
HADBAWNIK HAUNTED BRUSH PILES!
The Hadbawnik Haunted Staircase Company is now offering haunted brush piles for use on your staircase. Create eerie, supernal ambiance. Allow the brush to blow haphazardly in the wind, creates fear, foreboding. Call our friendly staff of white people at Western Lankville, 2154. Brush piles may contain other forms of yard debris.
HEY! WANT A MONKEY?
Hey! Want a live little monkey? They do cute things like climb into pumpkins. Call "The Captain"- Central Lankville Hills, 5264.
HOME DUMP Your Neighborhood Hardware Store 16 Lankville Locations!
Weekly Special: Primitive Forged Hooks. Buy 4, Get a Can of Paint. Or Maybe Not. You'll Just Have to Find Out.
INFLAMED BY STARS AND BLOOD
Lankville's Premier Science Fiction and Horror Magazine Now Appearing in The Lankville Daily News!
JOHNNY PADRES, OPTICIAN
Lankville has been relying on Dr. Johnny Padres for their optical needs since 1973. We offer a full service family eye care center and provide examinations for glasses and contacts and have a large display of designer, traditional and innovative eyewear for both regular prescription eyeglasses and sunglasses all of which will enable you to see TITS better. Call Lankville Business 2618-2.
LIFE LESSONS FUNERAL HOME
Life Lessons Funeral Home has been helping Lankville with dead people since 1932. Contact Eddie or Stummins, Lankville Business, 5-2161.
LOOK AT THESE BEAUTIES!
Really some of our best ever! Have you ever seen anything like it? Call Kelly (male) at Lankville Sound 2615.
MISSING
Missing: adult penguin. Christ, I just let him out in the yard for one minute and now he's gone. Responds to the name "Richard". Call Lankville Eastern Outlands, 5-6213.
NOW PLAYING!
The Unhinged: A New Film by Tom "Vapor" Rayford. Crisp Street Cinema, Eastern Lankville
PINEAPPLE CITY: A New Way of Being
Pineapple City is a new way of being, feeling and having your shirt off. Located in the distant, barren Lankville Pines, Pineapple City is now accepting applications for sheds. Call PINES, 2-5771.
THE PUZZLER
In the pie chart above, what segment represents a certain specific strata of the general population?
REAL ESTATE
Little shed for sale. With door, mailbox, dirt plot. Site of multiple murders but don't worry, they happened around back. To inquire, come to the shed. Go around back.
REAL ESTATE
Four acre lot in Eastern Lankville Cove Area. Price reduced! Site of a fireworks display in which several people fell out of their lawnchairs and died. Locals believe it haunted but that's crap. Call Cove 2751.
THE RECKONER EXACTRA 2.0 : A Danny Madison Product
It's Your Time: CALCULATE
SARAH SAMWAYS: CONTRIBUTING FEMALE
Exclusively in the Lankville Daily News (and some other papers).
SPEAKING ENGAGEMENT
Robin Brox will sit around and get progressively more intoxicated while listening to this other broad natter on about something. LANKVILLE REGIONAL AUDITORIUM, August 4, 11PM.
SPEAKING ENGAGEMENT CANCELED
The Dr. M. Chambers speech and candy-making event has been canceled again following Dr. Chambers' sudden collapse into some baskets. New date TBA
TRAVEL TIPS by Randy Hammers
The Kum Back Inn in the Lankville Desert Area has long been serving road-weary travelers. They feature a restaurant (with cocktails) and two spacious conference rooms. The Kum Back boasts 65 units-- each including window dressing, some chairs and a larger chair (seats two smallish children), a bed with orange comforter, a plastic trash can, clever paintings, and a windowless door. TV also available in 17 (sometimes 19) rooms. Most of the rooms are air-conditioned. Oscillating fans available upon request. Illuminated carports will protect your vehicle from the vicious sudden dust storms that often overtake the Desert Area and the wild thieves that occasionally parade across the landscape like some unmentionable horror. Call now at TU-0780 and ask for Bud or Karen (married).
UTILITY YARD SHEDS
The Lowinger Brothers offer great utility yard sheds at low prices. This one is haunted. Call Lankville Port Area 1072.
VACATION PACKAGES!
Spectacular vacations in campers by little mountains. Your cares will melt away but you will have to be careful of that shack (pictured). A lunatic lives there. Call Mercantile District 2711.
WRESTLING TONIGHT!
8PM, Southern Lankville Man-Arena. Featuring Ric "Wild Boy" Tipps (green trunks).
ZACH KEEBAUGH INVESTIGATIONS
Only in The Lankville Daily News
The Lankville Daily News 
LETTER SACK