Archive
Horoscopes by Sheeba Incaviglia
Sheeba Incaviglia
LEO (July 23/Aug 23)– You’ll be wasting some time in the furniture department waiting for the pills to wear off and they’ll suddenly put out a plush recliner unlike anything you’ve ever seen before. Buy it.
VIRGO (Aug 24/Sept 22)– Wear bright colors today to get that extra attention you deserve. Still having second thoughts about entering that beauty pageant? You should put in your application now. You remember that traumatized fisherman that fell in love with that lounge singer? She dumped him. Could be time to swoop in.
LIBIS (Sept 23/Oct 23)– At the time, you thought that guy you saw trying on all the different elastic jeans at the store was vain. Now, it might be time to offer yourself to him. He is waiting in the darkness.
SCORPIONS (Oct 24/Nov 21)– A letter will arrive, smelling of lilacs. Don’t open it. In fact, you should drive it to the next state and leave it by an abandoned mill that appears near collapse. Then, apply for a loan. It will be approved.
SAGITTARIAN YES! (Nov 22/Dec 21)– At work, you put together a group of people to do a job. They fail miserably and a desk is overturned. That’s OK though because they were all islanders.
CANDY CORNS (Dec 22/Jan 19)– Don’t let snap misunderstandings become something bigger. End all discussion with a quick face slap and a small cup of soda purchased from a machine. Pay special attention to people with severe mental disorders– something will be revealed.
AQUARIUMS (Jan 20/Feb 18)– Be inquisitive today– knowledge is power. Ask a lot of unnecessary questions. Demand to speak to several managers. Now is the time to pull the trigger on that five-piece dinette set with the walnut top. Don’t forget the leaf. They sometimes “forget” to include the leaf.
PISCES (Feb 19/Mar 20)– Really best to stay in bed today. You can maybe sit up around lunchtime but don’t leave the room. Draw the curtains and turn on your window air conditioning unit even if it’s not at all hot in your specific area. Gaze at the hay-colored carpet. Definitely hold off on the pewter cross of ancient mystical symbols.
ARIES (Mar 21/Apr 20)– Have all the facts before saying yes to any money ventures. Think of yourself– other people may hate you because of your snobby, arrogant, self-confidence but that’s OK– it will pass. If it doesn’t pass, move on to the next month and just forget about it.
TAUTUS (Apr 21/May 21)– If you haven’t blown the ass out yet of those new dress pants, wear them to work. You’ll get a lot of compliments and maybe a few admirers. Pick up some bubble bath for yourself– the kind that has the amber waving fields of grain on the front for some reason. Eat dinner in the bathtub– you’ll need that tray you’ve been admiring first!
GEMINUS (May 22/Jun 21)– You’ve always resisted camping but you might try it this weekend. Only 1/100 Lankville campers are murdered– take your chances! The afternoon will be brisk and require much of your attention. But there’s good TV on tonight so there’s a light at the end of the tunnel.
CANCERS (Jun 22/July 22)– Opportunities will require you to be in tip-top shape. Go work out at the gym and get some meat off those hips. The guys will like you better for it. Just don’t lose too much up front. You need to keep all that business up front.
From Where I Sit…by Joe Marsh
Bob Roberts mowed his lawn early Saturday morning. Then, he sat on the porch and watched Fred Hardy mow his grass.
The Roberts and Hardy properties border one another with no hedge or fence between them. So, when Bob notices that Fred had left a four-foot strip unmowed along the boundary, he walks over and asks why.
“That’s your land, Roberts,” says Hardy. “Mine ends here. See, it lines up with that oak tree over there across the street.”
Bob thought it was a lie. So, they walked up and down the street in the midday sun, looking for the surveyor’s marker. Where did they find it? Well, that’s the funny part of our story! It was right in the middle of their “no man’s land”.
Well, they both grin and pat each other on the back and then they take turn’s finishing the job and then return to Bob’s porch for a nice glass of cold chunky peaches drink.
From where I sit, a little searching around for the truth of a matter often shows that the other fellow is as much right as you are– at which point the whole thing doesn’t seem all that important anyway.
This has been another edition of “From Where I Sit” by Joe Marsh
Joe Marsh’s column is sponsored by the Tony Tanti and Sons Company.
Call Tony today. Prompt service. Discreet. EAST DISTRICT 2-8054
News of the Weird: Northern Lankville’s Giant Woods Spectre
By Graahaam Fosdick
The enormous giant woods spectre that has been the wonder of sportsmen in Northern Lankville since 1991 has again been seen, and this time under very different circumstances. A cyclist came close to the monster on the road between Northtown and Berrycandy, and was obliged to abandon his wheels and climb a tree for safety.
The cyclist, Andy Peebles, 54 (heterosexual) gave a brief interview.
“I saw the woods spectre up close. I can say that I’ve never seen anything even approaching such size and mass. He presents quite a weird appearance at night because of his pink, rosy glow. I was, of course, cycling with guns, so I shot at the spectre but to no avail.”
Peebles suddenly shot himself in the face when a shell accidentally discharged and the interview was ended prematurely.
Curious photo of the woods spectre (REAL!)
It was in 1991 that the woods spectre was first seen by Artie Duffy of Northtown who was sitting in the woods with his pants off. Duffy did not get near enough to the spectre for a good description but states that he saw it plainly. Everybody laughed at the story and Duffy was called many names and eventually admitted to an asylum where he died mysteriously. Not many months after Duffy’s death, a policeman, who asked to remain anonymous and was also in the woods with his pants off, saw the great woods spectre. “I had a lot of guns with me and I shot at [it] too and I noticed that the glow changed. It went from pink to a sort of chartreuse. That’s when a lot of us around here really thought there was something to shoot at.”
For many years, people with guns began shooting haphazardly around the woods between Northtown and Berrycandy, hoping for a chance at the giant woods spectre. 369 hunters were killed during this period. In 1996, Granville Grays, a store proprietor, got closest. “Granville was right up against him before we accidentally shot him,” noted companion Darrell Exchanges in a 2004 interview with News of the Weird. “After that, the giant woods spectre went tearing off down the road at abominable speeds.” Exchanges was later shot.
In 2008, Detective Gee-Temple was called in from the capital. “There was a lot of nonsense going on in those woods, so we aimed to reach a conclusion,” noted the intrepid lawman. “In 2010, we were given the go-ahead to burn the woods down and attempt to ferret the spectre out into a series of complicated nets we had arranged around the perimeter.”
The results? “Nothing. We didn’t find a darned thing,” stated Gee-Temple, who apologized immediately for cursing. “If there’s a spectre, then it’s still out there.”
And the residents of Northtown and Berrycandy? “Oh, we believe in him, no question,” said longtime resident Joe Spurrs, who is unemployed and fat. “I’ve seen him when I’m standing in my kitchen at night, trying to decide if I want a frozen mint patty or whether I maybe want to save one for the next day or maybe whether I just want to go ahead and eat the whole box up and buy another one but then remembering that I’ll have to wait until they freeze again. [we asked Spurrs to move on to the spectre]. Well, he finds patches of woods that are still left around here, areas they didn’t burn down yet or develop. He’s got some aim. We’ll find out eventually.”
The Electronics Cranny: Is it Time for a New Antenna?
By Skip Vorhees Electronics Expert
While it’s true that almost any piece of wire connected to a post can be serviceable, the listener will receive a far superior performance with a properly installed antenna. And while it may be “wisest” to utilize the type of antenna prescribed in your radio’s user manual, the Electronics Cranny is going to show you how to go above and beyond.
THE RIGID SUPPORT METHOD
Let’s begin with the rigid support method. Begin by finding two rigid supports, sufficiently far apart and properly located. Attach one antenna insulator firmly to one support using a piece of antenna wire, then attach the desired end to the same support by means of a nonslipping knot (see figure 1.1).
Now you can proceed with the mounting, soldering and the reams. When you have completed these crucial steps, you can begin the attachment of a series of complicated pulleys. This will allow for the second insulator to pass crisply over the pulley wheel, deliciously coming to rest on the opposite stanchion. Now you can draw hard on the rope until it become taut. Be sure to turn on your radio now and see if you can hear anything. If you can’t hear anything, go back to figure 1.1 and study further. Check again your tautness or tautivity. Note: you won’t be able to use the rigid support method if you live in the Southern Lankville Savannah Areas.
THE INDOOR ANTENNA
Several types of antenna have been approved for indoor use to avoid the horrifying nuisance of the outdoor antenna. These are primarily for use with portable, table-model radios or built-in components that have proven popular with the crafty. One type is the hanks antenna, so called because it is merely a hanks of some wires. You can stretch it out carelessly along the floor or ruin some moldings by banging it in there with a hammer (see figure 1.2). This will give you good reception for local programming but is rarely effective for good short-wave reception. It can prove to be noisy and distracting. And while it may appear useful at first, as the months pass you will begin to realize that there is a sort of lurking, odious fear issuing from your walls, a hum that portends some irreversible disaster (see figure 1.2).
Figure 1.2
Therefore, it may be best to utilize a flagpole antenna. In this scenario, a commercial flagpole antenna, similar to an auto-radio whip atenna, will produce better results.
THE HERTZBERG-PFAFF UNGROUNDED ANTENNA
For the best reception, however, the Electronics Cranny recommends a Hertzberg-Praff ungrounded antenna for both broadcast and short-wave reception. This is a project for the advanced electronics enthusiast as it requires the mounting of multiple “lightning shields” to prevent being scorched by the heavens. If you feel confident (or if you’re the type of person who thinks you are always right), go ahead and proceed with the Hertzberg-Pfaff.
First, climb to the highest point possible and begin laying out nets to capture and redirect ambient noise. Install the leadin on the ground and then quickly yank it out again. This will allow you to listen for defects.
Figure 1.3. It may be useful to have a lightning detector while installing the Hertzberg-Pfaff antenna.
Begin attaching the lightning shields. If there is lightning in the area, it may be useful to purchase a lightning detector dashboard (figure 1.3) from The Electronics Cranny (most models are from $5500-$6500). By reading ampere levels, you will begin to have an idea if the lightning will strike your high area. If readings prove conclusive, just climb higher up. It’s always wise to bring a couple of ladders with you.
Now, it’s just a matter of matching the transformers and punching some industrial staples into the ground. Your Hertzberg-Pfaff will be ready to go.
QUESTIONS
1. What considerations must the serviceman keep in mind when entering an apartment?
2. List several possible sources of noises.
3. A receiver is reported as suffering from excessive fading. A check of the receiver shows it to be perfect. What the hell do you think could be up?
4. An operator has spilled a cake on his antenna. What’s the procedure for reinstallation?
5. An antenna is be installed near several power lines, an energy plant and an airport. Should precautions be taken?
6. Who were Hertzberg and Pfaff and how did they come up with the idea of the ungrounded antenna. Are they dead? How did they die?
Royer on Animals
By Ida Rumpus
Ida Rumpus recently had a chance to sit down with Lankville business mogul Frater-Xerxes (Ric Royer).
IR: Tell me about your childhood growing up with animals.
RR: I had a bunny for a time.
IR: What happened to him?
RR: He blew away.
IR: It’s well-known that you once ate a panda. How have you worked to change your image?
RR: Most people who manage malls have cooked up a hell-broth of self-induced obstacles or else shoot forth as if from a deranged jenny into some sort of romantic imagination and fool themselves for the rest of their lives.
IR: I assume you’re talking about Scott Kites, who has been trying to evict you from your mall home?
RR(clearly confused): Who?
IR: I want to ask you about the upcoming Lankville Panda Benefit. You are spearheading this initiative, I understand?
RR: Every panda has a course, depending partly on the panda’s self and partly on the panda’s environment which is natural, luscious and necessary for each. Any panda who is forced from its self, or through external opposition from another panda, comes into conflict with the order of our Universe and suffers accordingly.
IR: And that’s where you step in? To try to help the panda stay on its course?
RR(clearly confused): Who?
IR: How much do you hope to raise for pandas?
RR(clearly confused): Who?
IR: Anything else?
RR: You can transform heat into light and power to illuminate an entire porcelain Christmas village.
IR: Thanks.
RR: Why?
Don’t Tell Me to Have No Good Trip, You Little Shitbirds
By Fingers Rolly Man on the Street
I hate it when these shitbird women come up to you at church or at some sort of godforsaken outdoor barbeque and, just about when you’re ready to leave, they say, “have a good trip.” Talk about a god damn jinx. What are they thinking, these little bitches with their complicated pastel-colored hats and their shapeless floral-patterned blazers with the wretched whore shoulder pads? I cuss ’em up and down all the way back to the truck and let me tell you something, they deserve it, the miserable little bitch dogs of hell.
I’ve changed churches a lot recently.
The Lankville Daily News would like to apologize for the preceding article.
Frater-Xerxes (Ric Royer) Collapses Near Mall Fountain
By Bernie Keebler
Senior Staff Writer
LANKVILLE ACTION NEWS! YES!
Frater-Xerxes (formerly Ric Royer) collapsed this morning near an inoperable fountain at Twin Removed Pines Mall in downtown Lankville, sources are confirming. The Frater is currently in an undisclosed location.
The fountain at Twin Removed Pines Mall in its heyday.
The Frater’s mall retail space house has remained closed to reporters.
“He’s had some sort of problem with this fountain for quite some time,” noted mall CEO Scott Kites. “We’ve had some trouble getting it to work, actually because of something that Mr. Royer [Frater-Xerxes] did. He had an Easter basket filled with rolled pennies and he spent the whole day dropping them into the fountain from the second floor. I think it clogged up the apparatus.”
“I think Mr. Royer [Frater-Xerxes] feels that we should have had it working by now,” added Kites, who has been trying to remove the eccentric Lankville business magnate from the retail space for several months.
“He doesn’t sell anything. He lives there. He puts up lurid curtains. He dumps excessive amounts of pennies into the fountains. It needs to stop,” Kites stated.
The Frater’s current condition is unknown.
“He has this big, extremely velvety robe that he wears every morning. It’s got a gold fleur-de-lis on it– sometimes he wears a crown but he didn’t have that on today,” noted a custodian who refused to be identified and was later found murdered. “He just stood by the fountain for a long time and you could see that he was getting lightheaded and then he just collapsed. That was it.”
“We finished up our cinnamon loaf slabs and then called for help,” the custodian added.
Further updates on the Frater’s condition are expected later today.
Exercise Your Creative Powers with Beautiful Window Boxes!
By D.N. Yathers Special Plant Expert
Have you been feeling sluggish lately? Feeling like maybe you haven’t done anything at all that’s the least bit creative? That you’re a complete piece of garbage? That you’re not sexually-compatible with attractive women? Why not exercise your creative powers then by creating some beautiful window boxes!
A hanging basket of pastel-colored impatiens with a whimsical birdhouse on top is always a great remedy but we’re not going to get into that today. Instead, I want you to pick up several window boxes from your local hardware outlet. They can be plastic but I recommend wood, preferably a nice cedar. It’s OK if it costs a lot– this if for YOU! Now, pile them high in your shopping cart (don’t worry about everyone staring at you), pay for them with a check and head home. You’re ready for your journey!
Lovely window boxes will make you feel creative and alive! (Opinion of the author and not necessarily of the Lankville Daily News)
First, we’re going to affix the cedar boxes to all of your downstairs windows. I generally use two reverse L-shaped brackets, a Braggett clamp and a small Chambers Company hand drill. Use a countersink Temple bit on the pilot hole and slam it in there. You can use a level if you’re really insistent on geometry.
Now, we’re ready for planting! An easy way to make an immediate splash is with a vigorous sweet potato vine. It has a sprawling, lawless shape and its chartreuse foliage really stands out against muted house colors! Shelley really liked the sweet potato vine. “It’s disorderly and uncontained, like me,” she said one time when we were just trying to eat some cakes at a restaurant. Just trying to eat some nice little fluffy hand cakes and she goes and makes a comment like that. The next day I ripped the potato vines straight out but we’re not going to do that today. We’re going to keep them in our lovely cedar window boxes and just wait for the compliments!
Next up, we’re going to consider some Mums. No one in the world is going to complain about a window box full of Mums. Variegated Lamium will compliment the Mums well particularly if you use a lot of dirt. Next, add some contrast. Supertunia Petunias with some Eastern Lankville Stadler Flowerets work well. Rust pansies are nice too against brick or that muted background we talked about earlier. Shelley liked rust pansies. One time, I was potting some rust pansies and she said, “you don’t do it hard and fast enough” and she grabbed my tools and pounded the pansies into that box as though the murderous demons of hell themselves were chasing her. When she added some thin, blonde, dancing geraniums into the mix, I knew exactly what that meant. Exactly.
Let’s move on to accessories! These are best for fall when you can clear out the death that now surrounds you and fill it with little hard corns, gourds, crabapples or tiny Tucker Island pumpkins! For spring and summer, however, I recommend an occasional laying of fine lace or perhaps a colorful bow atop your foliage. Keep it simple– adding too many accessories might give off the impression that you’re a bit of a hillbilly, so be careful!
Now you can sit back and enjoy! Shelley and I had a little patio where we would sit and stare at our window boxes for long periods. The patio is gone now but you can build one again. We’ll look into that next time.
Funny Stories by Dick Oakes, Jr.
By Dick Oakes, Jr.
On Thursdays, Sal’s Meats tosses the old shanks out into the weedy area behind the store. A couple of us would wait there, in the high grass, just before sundown. There would usually be a tussle over the better shank; that decided, we would each lurk off into the diminishing sunlight that framed the trash-strewn alley.
On that particular night, I had gotten a bad shank. I could feel it coming and I knew right away that I would have to have a place for the night. I decided on the Park Plaza– 105 rooms (there were actually 93), swimming pool (it was half-filled with murky water), TV, fine foods (these had long since disappeared). I wouldn’t be needing any fine foods anyway, not tonight.
“You look a little sick pal,” said the desk clerk, a fat swarthy guy who was wearing a hairpiece attached to the top of his head by a thin red band that ran down both cheeks and hooked beneath his chin. It was ridiculous but I didn’t say anything. “You’re not gonna’ throw up all in there like some kind of egregious rascal are you? You ain’t a barbarian pal, are you?”
I put some bills on the counter and signed the tattered register (a pad on a clipboard).
“You ain’t gonna put a half-inflated balloon in a lube-filled sock between the mattress and box spring and then go all to hell on it, are you?” he asked, taking the money and making change (incorrectly).
“I just want to lie down,” I said. “Can I go lie down?”
He looked me up and down, let out a little huff and walked back to the office desk (there was a game show playing on a black and white TV, propped up by a phone book). I took the key.
The room was decorated in dark greens. There was a lumpy bed and a couple of end tables. They hadn’t emptied the ashtrays. I checked on the bathroom. It was tiled in a sort of sea-foam color and there was room enough to lie on the floor. I found a closet full of spongy blankets and put one in there just in case.
I lay still for a couple of hours, focusing my eyes on a meaningless crack in the ceiling plaster. Then, I started to feel a little better. I went to the bathroom, blew out the shank, and then found myself wanting a drink. When I pulled back the front curtains, I found it was night.
I walked outside. There were a couple of blondes sitting in cheap folding chairs out front of the next cabin. Some guys were surreptitiously hauling in some lighting and recording equipment. I breathed in some air and hit one of the guys up for a cigarette.
“We’re gonna’ be making some motel wrestling films all night,” he volunteered. “Maybe a little bit of hardcore, we’ll see how the carpets hold up.” We both looked at the big sign out front– much of the neon already burned out. “I’ll tell the girls to keep it down,” he said.
I went to the office for some ice. The same guy was in there, watching TV on the same little squirrely shitbox.
“Lemme’ have some ice,” I said. I plunked down a dollar.
“Let me ask you something. Are they making scream films in 117? I can’t have no scream films here. This is a family place– lookit’, we got a pool and all.”
“I mind my own business,” I said. I tapped my fingers on the counter.
“Well, I ain’t got no ice. And I’ll figure it out if you’s involved in them scream films too. You look like the kind of guy that’d be holding up them lights they got.”
I ignored him and headed for the Island joint down the street. There was no telling where this would end up.
Snappy Dressing by King Tucker
King Tucker
The Lankville Daily News is pleased to present a new feature by King Tucker of Hoover Island.
Hoover Island is famous around the world for its nudity. Our culture is primarily nudist. If you were to walk down our broad avenues, you would notice many nude people. You might notice, for instance, giant exposed titties or big hanging dongs. In our culture, this is completely normal, nothing unusual at all.
Upon occasion, however, we do dress. At our annual harvest, for example, my palace is thrown open to all Hooverites and a lavish pumpkin ball is held. It is a grand celebration of yet another success with our pumpkin crop, Hoover Island’s chief export. Our lovely women, their hair coiffed in complicated, intricate waves, grace the palace in their exquisite evening dresses. These are the same women that, perhaps, just a few days before, you saw stark naked, bending down to rummage through a basket of potatoes at the local market. This is our life, our culture.
For the pumpkin ball, I commission a tuxedo in sea foam green with an orange bow-tie (in celebration of our great gourds). I greet each Hooverite and compliment them on their snappy dress. Many of these people I saw completely nude– top to bottom, just a few days prior. I have come to memorize their disrobed haunches as a Lankvillian might memorize a neighborhood street corner. All of this is completely normal. It is our legacy.
I settle the throng with the gentle tinkle of a fork against a glass. And I speak of the pumpkins. “We are dressed tonight to celebrate our great harvest,” I will generally say. Sometimes, I pick up a pumpkin (a little one) and hold it up for everyone to see. The image of the monarch, clad in the finest-tailored suit, is inspiring to the people.
But the next day, we are all nude again. Back are the bare-skinned yams, the pendulous nads right out there like a bunch of worn-out socks. But this is our life. This is Hoover Island.
These are my people.
Further articles by King Tucker will continue in later issues.
Royer’s Madcap Experiences: I, River Dick
By Ric Royer
It was a muddy, debris-choked tributary of a much greater but unseen river. Several greying, dilapidated highway overpasses blotted out the sun. The trees along the banks were dead and gangly. But someone wanted it protected. They decided I was the man.
I, River Dick.
My interview took place in a forlorn trailer, littered with trash. The foreman was decidedly obese– his fat rolls could not be contained by his undersized, cheese-stained sweatshirt. He sat behind an overflowing clothes hamper. I sat on a stool. I suspected he lived here.
“You ever do any river dicking before?”
Typical muddy debris-choked tributary. There’s a guy and a dog on the banks.
“Nope.”
“You ever done any carnival work?”
“Once”.
“OK. It’s like that.”
I was hired on the spot and issued a bright yellow pantsuit and a revolver. The first day passed without incident.
On the second day, some droids attempted to fill their pails under the overpass. I confronted them.
“You can’t fill those pails here.”
A long series of computational beeps ensued. One of the droids issued a small, printed-out index card. It read, “CHEESE OFF, HUMAN.”
I didn’t think twice about it. I blew them all away and buried them beneath some rocks.
On the third day, the foreman called me in.
“Did you kill some droids?”
“Yep. You know what– I don’t even feel bad about it.”
“Well, some guys at the lab feel bad about it. And they’re making me feel pretty damn bad about it too.”
“They egged me on. They were asking for it,” I added. “You know it, I know it, they know it.”
“That’s fine,” he said, after a long silence. “We’ll cover it up. Just go back along the banks and make sure the parts are pretty well-hidden.”
I did as I was told. But the parts were gone. The rest of the day passed without incident.
On the fourth day, the foreman called me in again. As I was approaching the trailer, I noticed something odd. There were tracks there, made by rolling droids. They led off towards the woods. There was an overhang there, covered by odd brush that didn’t belong. It was a setup. I was being sacrificed.
I hotwired the foreman’s pickup and headed for Lankville Beach.
I, River Dick.
Woman in a Man’s World
By Robin Brox
It was getting close to lunchtime and I was hanging around my plush office in the uncolored condiment factory sticking some bendable straws into a desk fan. Time was creeping along. I had to shake things up.
Cause I’m a woman in a man’s world.
I called downstairs to receiving. Barry picked it up.
“Hey Bare,” I said (he hated that). “Have you been receiving a lot of big stuff today?”
“Sure, Miss Brox. We got them uncolored bacon bits in.”
“Yeah? Big load? Was it a big ol’ load?” I asked. I was starting to feel kind of flush.
He seemed confused. “Well, the usual, Miss Brox. We’re sorting it out now.”
“Yeah? You moving the load around? Sticking it in where we need it, Bare? Filling that hole?”
Bare was starting to breathe hard. “Yep…I got…all my men on it.”
“Yeah, Bare? You tag-teaming those delicate little esoteric realities?”
“They do make a salad Miss Brox. I admit to it.”
“They make it flower don’t they, baby? It opens up like a bloom in spring, Bare?”
There was a long pause. “Well…I like ’em, Miss Brox. But they are just bacon bits.”
That killed it. I sat up straight. “Fine then Barry. Good work.” I slammed the phone down.
I took off early and headed down to the parking lot where the weightlifters hung out.
Cause I’m a woman in a man’s world.
The Electronics Cranny: Using the 2441 Dual Tetrode on 657 Mc.
By Fritz Tennis Electronics Expert
The fellow who wanted to put more than a couple of watts on 657 Mc. had little in the way of tubing choice until recently. There were only a few transmitting tubes on the market that could handle the job and prices for these began at around $89,000. That’s why introduction of the Type 2441 Dual Tetrode by the recently-founded RCS (Royer Communications Services) should help promote more use of the 657-Mc. band, as this new tube can be bought for considerably less than anything we’ve had available previously.
“I don’t know anything about that fucking shit,” said RCS founder Ric Royer, when we asked him about the 2441. He later apologized. “I’m in a bad mood fellows, I admit it,” he explained. We probed. “Well,” said Royer, holding back tears, “they recently issued a new porcelain illuminated snow village model and it sold out within seconds. I was too late to acquire it. I cried and screamed for two hours yesterday without satisfaction.” Royer began blubbering and we ended the interview prematurely.
The 2441 is designed especially for mobile service and is a natural for use in amateur work. “I installed the 2441 in my wireless set,” noted ham operator Jerry Rangos of the Lankville Eastern Forest Area. “I was able to receive a signal all the way from the Lankville Polar Regions– check it out!” Rangos attempted to reach the polar regions as we looked on but failed. We told him he was a liar and pushed over an oscillating fan in protest.
Still, there can be no doubt that the 2441 will efficiently boost operation on the 657-Mc. band. We will endeavor to show our readers how to install the new tube, allow for forced-air cooling and create proper shielding for the tube from harmful elements.
Getting Started
Figure 1: Tetrodes Diagram.
First off, you will want to make sure that provision is made for complete enclosure of the tubes and circuits. This serves two purposes: it provides a path for circulation of cooling air and holds downward moving deep radiation from the tank circuits. If you are concerned about radiation, then this may not be the project for you– only true radio cowboys ride bareback, as the saying goes. Get yourself a little pink transistor and an umbrella and go sit on a little beach if you’re still scared.
You will now want to fit the main chassis with a bottom cover. Use a flat plate of sheet aluminum, a perforated metal cover or just get some of those tomato cages from the backyard and bend them around the chassis. The mounting screws should be held in place on the fittings with nuts and then other nuts on the outside of the chassis should hold the fittings into position (consult figure 1 for further details).
Drop in your new 2441 dual tetrode about 1 3/8 inch from the right nuts. The tripler plate tuning capacitors should now began to hum and vibrate. Beware though: if the vibration is too intense (due to improper calibration), the tube will shimmy against the nuts and bust. “Probably the most common error I’ve seen in installation of the 2441,” said electronics dealer Keith Hernandez, owner of K.H. Radio Supplies in Lankville City. “Most people end up coming back for a second 2441 because they have get so excited about the tube that they don’t take the proper care necessary for calibration. I can imagine it being very frustrating; fortunately, that has not happened to me because I knew that calibration would have to come first before the fun that I knew I’d have,” the sanctimonious Hernandez noted.
Putting the Rig on the Air
When all stages have been adjusted correctly, the plate voltage may be increased to 300 on all stages. There is no great advantage to increasing to 350 or 400 as there is nothing to be gained from pushing your new tube excessively– allow it to warm up and adjust to your antenna system. Once this occurs, announce loudly to your fellow hams that you have are on the air. Consider adding a top-quality crystal microphone with a frequency response of 10,000 cycles. It will completely drown out other hams who will subsequently be inspired to install their own 2441’s! Add a bandswitching machine so nobody will know where you are! Add a voice modulator so that you sound like a spooky ghost!
Most of all, just have fun!
The Electronics Cranny: What’s New in Desk Calculators!
Neil Cuppy Electronics Expert
For many years, it was only possible to use a calculating machine that was housed in a distant, dark room at the back of your office. This machine took up an enormous amount of space, caught fire easily and emitted a harmful mercury vapor thrust ray that occasionally caused nearby victims to be cut in half. Thankfully, in the past decade, great strides have been made in the field of desk calculating machines and they now take up about the same amount of space one would allot to a pizza or a gigantic tray of fries.
Consolidated Lankville Calculator Model R285
“Every year, we’re going to see the calculating machine get smaller,” noted Jarrad Heaths, an engineer with Consolidated Lankville, one of the nation’s biggest manufacturers of calculator electronics. “Eventually, I think, they will become small enough that one will be able to stick them into one’s pocket,” added Heaths, who pointed at his breast pocket for illustrative purposes. “You’ll maybe be able to get a little case for them and you can put them in your pocket, maybe fill all your pockets with calculating machines, walk around like that. That is really our aim here at Consolidated Electronics.”
Trade magazines consider the Consolidated Model R285 to be the best desk calculator on the market. “It has a lot of functions and it comes with a thick canvas tarp,” said Heaths, who allowed us to briefly paw at the gigantic machine. “You’ll note instantly that you can type 12 numbers on the digital display face. There are also these little vents on the top of the machine which allow for cooling. The R285 does put off a lot of heat and, in extreme cases, fire which is something we’re working on,” admitted Heaths. “We advise in tiny print at the back of the 382-page manual that you only use the R285 for 15 minutes at a time, allowing then for 30 minute “cool-off” periods. Still, this is better than our competitors.”
Briss, Inc. is one such competitor. Briss Calculators began producing calculators just three years ago. “I got hooked and I when I get hooked, I go all out. That’s why my last name is Calculators. I had it legally changed. It used to be “Hubbard,” said the executive, who was interviewed in a windowless, brown-paneled office built into the side of a rural hill. “The R285 is all well and good but it’s got no elan, no pizzazz. I mean, a guy that buys an R285– he doesn’t get excited about it like you’d get excited by a sports car or tits. He just says, “Well, guess we need one of these,” and he doesn’t even bother to look at it. Just takes it out of the box and dumps it on a desk. Briss aims to change all that.”
Pastoral setting where a BI002 was located.
Indeed, a Briss is all about design. Their catalogue currently features six models, all of them impossible to ignore. “They are very conceptual,” noted objet d’art critic Fritz Mallarme. “We are already seeing them featured in exhibits,” added Mallarme, who was wearing a balloon tie. “Even the way in which they are packaged is intriguing. The BI002, for example, is purchased at an ordinary electronics store. However, the buyer must “find” the machine, which is often located in a pastoral setting. It’s quite outre.”
Technically, however, the Briss has not been popular in the trade magazines. “Well they put them in fields,” said electronics expert Dan Awnings, an occasional contributor to The Electronics Cranny. “The rain, the dew ruins them. You end up with a digital face that is only partly readable.” Awnings took a moment to look around in disgust. “Also, they catch fire pretty easily too. The desk calculator has a long way to go still.”
Look for further updates in future columns of The Electronics Cranny.
Robots to Monitor Parks
By Bernie Keebler
Senior Staff Writer
LANKVILLE ACTION NEWS, YES!
In an attempt to curb the recent rise of “park challenges”, the Lankville Bureau of Probes announced yesterday that they will be installing mechanical police robots as early as next week.
“Many people go to the park,” said Detective Gee-Temple, who is spearheading the initiative. “They go and then they see a challenge, maybe two. And it ruins their picnic, volleyball game or make-out session,” noted Gee-Temple, who gave a short press conference this morning in which a large sheet cake was served. “The Lankville Bureau of Probes have collaborated with the Electronics Cranny to create this new “park robot” which will hopefully help to ebb this recent wave of challenges that have afflicted our great country.”
Detail of “park robot”.
Gee-Temple then removed a sheet from an object behind him. It turned out to be a “park robot”.
The intrepid detective then invited the creator of the “park robot” Fritz Tennis to the lectern.
“Each of these robots has been trained in the art of disrupting a challenge,” noted Tennis, an inventor and frequent Electronics Cranny columnist.
“Their strong mechanical arms and molded steel “grippers” or “hands”, if you will, are specifically designed to overwhelm the challenger, engulf him in robot and ultimately keep the challenger shackled until further police or robot help can arrive.”
“The “park robots” are also designed to shoot people in the face if necessary,” added Tennis.
Tennis suddenly left through a side door and no further questions were taken.
ACCOMMODATIONS
When staying in the Area Beyond the Outlands, pick the Murray. Friendly, creative staff, delightful beds, curtains. Phone Far Outlands 5-6712.
LANKVILLE DAILY NEWS: IN BOOK FORM!
The book is gone. It will never return. We hear stories but they are likely false. We live in the woods now. We make fire with a lighter that we found in the street. It was crushed by a truck but, somehow, perhaps through some intervention that is beyond us, it still works. We are waiting. We are waiting.
Original Pondicherry Association News promotional advertisement (2009)
TONIGHT ON TV! RICHARD AND THE POSTMAN REUNION SPECIAL!
The Hit program from the 1970's returns to Lankville TV tonight on LBC!
ADULT ADVERTISEMENT
Women all over Lankville are just sitting at mammoth computers waiting to hear from men like you! Just insert a floppy disk, write a (non-sexual) message and let the sparks fly! (Computer not included).
ADVERTISEMENT
A Vitiello Decorative Ham makes a great gift. Show that you care today.
BANDED DUFFELS ON PALLETS
Assorted colors. Whatever you want to do, man. Call Lankville Falls, 3247.
BRIAN SCHROPP IN THE LANKVILLE DAILY NEWS
The most important cuisine articles ever written.
CANDY
Jipps Co. Full Service Candy Counter! Our alert girls will push gummy drops into special paper sheaths, engage in restrained pleasantries and explain chocholate-to-nougat ratios. Call Central Lankville 3614.
CAT PHOTO
In compliance with Lankville subsection 11:16-4.
CHAMBERS CO. HAND DRILLS: When Electricity is Not an Option
When electricity is not an option consider the Chambers Company hand crank drills. Perfect for use in tight spaces, on distant islands or for drilling holes in fences to see TITS. Call 4-2309.
EMPLOYMENT
Big Ed's BBQ Shack is looking for a part-time waitress. Someone who doesn't nose around and ask a lot of difficult questions. Call Lankville Rougher Area, 5-2100.
EMPLOYMENT
Nuts, Ah! is looking for an experienced nut-handler. Experience with bagging nuts also important. If you break the nut sack, the nuts will drop onto the floor. Come in person for application to Twin Removed Pines Mall. NO CALLS.
FOX FOR PARTIES
Hire the Poetry Fox for Your Child's Next Party. Reasonable rates. Writes poems, dances, will not stand for any shenanigans. Call South Lankville 2009.
The funny stories of Dick Oakes, Jr. have thrilled millions. Look for them today in The Lankville Daily News!
GELSINGER’S ALLURE CLUB
Topless, bottomless wonderland. Mysterious back rooms. Carpeted entirely in astroturf. NO CALLS.
GREBOV BROTHERS TELESCOPE COMPANY
The Grebov Brothers are Lankville's finest purveyor of telescopes for astronomy enthusiasts. Substantial 4.5" apertures and fast f/4 focal ratios provide bright, detailed views of solar system targets like the Moon and planets, as well as wide-field celestial objects like nebulas and star clusters but also TITS.
GUMP PENETRATES
Only in The Lankville Daily News
HADBAWNIK HAUNTED STAIRCASE COMPANY
The Hadbawnik Company is Lankville's #1 installer of haunted, brush-littered staircases. Friendly non-foreign staff! Call Western (Outer) Lankville, 2154 or 2198 today.
HADBAWNIK HAUNTED BRUSH PILES!
The Hadbawnik Haunted Staircase Company is now offering haunted brush piles for use on your staircase. Create eerie, supernal ambiance. Allow the brush to blow haphazardly in the wind, creates fear, foreboding. Call our friendly staff of white people at Western Lankville, 2154. Brush piles may contain other forms of yard debris.
HEY! WANT A MONKEY?
Hey! Want a live little monkey? They do cute things like climb into pumpkins. Call "The Captain"- Central Lankville Hills, 5264.
HOME DUMP Your Neighborhood Hardware Store 16 Lankville Locations!
Weekly Special: Primitive Forged Hooks. Buy 4, Get a Can of Paint. Or Maybe Not. You'll Just Have to Find Out.
INFLAMED BY STARS AND BLOOD
Lankville's Premier Science Fiction and Horror Magazine Now Appearing in The Lankville Daily News!
JOHNNY PADRES, OPTICIAN
Lankville has been relying on Dr. Johnny Padres for their optical needs since 1973. We offer a full service family eye care center and provide examinations for glasses and contacts and have a large display of designer, traditional and innovative eyewear for both regular prescription eyeglasses and sunglasses all of which will enable you to see TITS better. Call Lankville Business 2618-2.
LIFE LESSONS FUNERAL HOME
Life Lessons Funeral Home has been helping Lankville with dead people since 1932. Contact Eddie or Stummins, Lankville Business, 5-2161.
LOOK AT THESE BEAUTIES!
Really some of our best ever! Have you ever seen anything like it? Call Kelly (male) at Lankville Sound 2615.
MISSING
Missing: adult penguin. Christ, I just let him out in the yard for one minute and now he's gone. Responds to the name "Richard". Call Lankville Eastern Outlands, 5-6213.
NOW PLAYING!
The Unhinged: A New Film by Tom "Vapor" Rayford. Crisp Street Cinema, Eastern Lankville
PINEAPPLE CITY: A New Way of Being
Pineapple City is a new way of being, feeling and having your shirt off. Located in the distant, barren Lankville Pines, Pineapple City is now accepting applications for sheds. Call PINES, 2-5771.
THE PUZZLER
In the pie chart above, what segment represents a certain specific strata of the general population?
REAL ESTATE
Little shed for sale. With door, mailbox, dirt plot. Site of multiple murders but don't worry, they happened around back. To inquire, come to the shed. Go around back.
REAL ESTATE
Four acre lot in Eastern Lankville Cove Area. Price reduced! Site of a fireworks display in which several people fell out of their lawnchairs and died. Locals believe it haunted but that's crap. Call Cove 2751.
THE RECKONER EXACTRA 2.0 : A Danny Madison Product
It's Your Time: CALCULATE
SARAH SAMWAYS: CONTRIBUTING FEMALE
Exclusively in the Lankville Daily News (and some other papers).
SPEAKING ENGAGEMENT
Robin Brox will sit around and get progressively more intoxicated while listening to this other broad natter on about something. LANKVILLE REGIONAL AUDITORIUM, August 4, 11PM.
SPEAKING ENGAGEMENT CANCELED
The Dr. M. Chambers speech and candy-making event has been canceled again following Dr. Chambers' sudden collapse into some baskets. New date TBA
TRAVEL TIPS by Randy Hammers
The Kum Back Inn in the Lankville Desert Area has long been serving road-weary travelers. They feature a restaurant (with cocktails) and two spacious conference rooms. The Kum Back boasts 65 units-- each including window dressing, some chairs and a larger chair (seats two smallish children), a bed with orange comforter, a plastic trash can, clever paintings, and a windowless door. TV also available in 17 (sometimes 19) rooms. Most of the rooms are air-conditioned. Oscillating fans available upon request. Illuminated carports will protect your vehicle from the vicious sudden dust storms that often overtake the Desert Area and the wild thieves that occasionally parade across the landscape like some unmentionable horror. Call now at TU-0780 and ask for Bud or Karen (married).
UTILITY YARD SHEDS
The Lowinger Brothers offer great utility yard sheds at low prices. This one is haunted. Call Lankville Port Area 1072.
VACATION PACKAGES!
Spectacular vacations in campers by little mountains. Your cares will melt away but you will have to be careful of that shack (pictured). A lunatic lives there. Call Mercantile District 2711.
WRESTLING TONIGHT!
8PM, Southern Lankville Man-Arena. Featuring Ric "Wild Boy" Tipps (green trunks).
ZACH KEEBAUGH INVESTIGATIONS
Only in The Lankville Daily News
The Lankville Daily News 
LETTER SACK