The Lankville Daily News

By Grady Kitchens
Senior Staff Writer

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It was announced early this morning that the Pondicherry Baseball Association Division of Leagues has been founded.  Multiple sources are confirming.

The league, founded secretly last week, has established ownership in twelve areas, including The Depths, Hoover Island and the Eastern Wooded Area.

The league released the following chart of current clubs:

Hockey owners Ric Royer, Chris Vitiello, “Inner Hammer” and island monarch Aaron Hoover are believed to have    purchased franchises.

A press conference is expected later this afternoon.

By Dick Oakes, Jr.
Senior Staff Writer

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Stamps GM and island monarch Aaron Tucker reflected on his inaugural season in the Pondicherry Association today during a brunch meeting with several journalists.

“As you all know, Mr. Oakes is a clothed,” he began by way of introduction, referring to my collared-shirt, pants, shoes and socks.  “He has not yet embraced our legacy of nudity.  He does not yet understand it.”

The other journalists, all naked, chortled happily.

“When I look at you men and women of the press, I see goodwill,” noted Tucker as a nude waiter produced a cart of pastries and coffee tureens.  “I don’t see, as Mr. Oakes undoubtedly does, mere flabby Mamma tits or engorged sacks or a series of voluminous cabooses, squeaking strangely, almost eerily against the poly-vinyl seating with each tiny, nigh-imperceptible bodily movement.  No, this is the fundamental difference in our worldviews.  This is why the worldview of Lankville is essentially a constructionist ontology that…”

I interrupt.  “Can we move off the whole nudity thing?” I ask politely.

There is an awkward silence.  Tucker suddenly shoves a pastry into his mouth and several Hoover Island scribes make notes.

Finished, Tucker discusses his expansion club, who finished 5th for the 2012-13 season.

“Many, most of our players are Lankvillians.  As you all know, at the end of the campaign, we brought up a Hoover Island native– a man called Tuffet.  Tuffet was viciously checked into the boards while nude during a morning skate and his sporting career, at that moment, was terminated.  We recognize now that there will never be a nude player.  There is a nudity line in the P.A.  No one will cross it.  We know that now.”

Several of the journalists look down at their laps.  There is a moment of silence.

“Brave Tuffet,” Tucker comments.  “He visited me at the palace recently.  I gave him a lovely quartz medal.  It was small and I think later he dropped it somewhere.  It’s a shame.”

The journalists lower their heads again.  I need a beer and a shot.

“What will you look to do during the summer?” I ask.

“To do?” Tucker asks incredulously.  “Whatever do you mean?”

“Player transactions?  Free-agent pickups, etc.  Who are you looking at?”

Tucker turns to his seconds.  “What is he?  I don’t…I can’t…”

The seconds pat him on the back and take him gently away.

“Well, that’s it,” says one of the journalists.  He stands up, revealing to the daylight a well-hung package.  “He won’t come back now.”

Everyone disperses.

My plane doesn’t leave until tomorrow.  I make a beeline for the main stretch.  Figure I’ll check out the local talent

Dick Oakes’ examination of the local talent will continue in further issues.

By Brock Belvedere, Jr.
Senior Staff Writer

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In an exciting race to the finish, the Terrifying Bats have claimed their fourth Pondicherry Golden Platter in the past five years.

A solemn ceremony will be held this afternoon to commemorate the achievement.

“I feel juicy and carnivalesque,” stated club owner and GM Ric Royer, who was interviewed in a small anteroom at the Foontz-Flonnaise Home of Abundant Senselessness.  Royer then consented to a short interview.

BB:  You were able to hold off the Condiments.  Did you watch the results come in?
RR: No. I have never been a great fan of epistemological modalities.
BB: This will be your fourth Golden Platter.
RR: The men have a shelving unit. It will fit there.
BB: I understand you will not be attending the ceremony.
RR: Royer Country.
BB: Excuse me?
RR: Royer Country.

The executive suddenly became quite serious and resolute and began edging Belvedere out of the tight anteroom.  The interview was ended prematurely.

By Dick Oakes, Jr.
Senior Staff Writer

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Though the end of the 2012-13 season is mere days away, the championship in the Pondicherry Association is still up in the air.

“It’s a three-way race to the finish,” noted Small Pizzas GM “Inner Hammer”, who was interviewed via device from the Teets Island Chain.  “Pretty confident on this end though that I’ll soon be pawing at that beautiful Pondicherry Golden Platter.”

The Uncolored Condiments however sit just a half point behind the Pizzas with the Terrifying Bats 1.5 points back.

Bats GM Ric Royer, who was interviewed inside his illuminated Snow Village-engorged cell, was pleased with his club’s recent surge.

“I’m impressed by Keith Candles [sic],” Royer noted.  “Also, we have Mike Greens [sic] and Keith Candles.”

The GM smiled broadly and then suddenly collapsed.

Condiments GM Robin Brox could not be reached for comment.  The executive was believed to be attending a condiments trade show.

“Ms. Brox is quite pleased and believes her club will capture the Platter,” noted a club administrator who refused to be identified.  “We drafted very carefully and I think we’re seeing the fruits of our labors right now.”

There are three games yet to be played before the Platter will be presented on Monday.

By Brock Belvedere, Jr.
Senior Staff Writer

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The new Small Pizzas yearbook, released today, is just pictures of tits according to buyers.

“We expected tidbits on our favorite players, biographies, at most maybe a word jumble but not this,” said fan and yearbook purchaser Randy Partners.  “It’s 132 pages of close-up tits.  It has nothing at all to do with hockey.”

Partners was later lured into a room by the promise of a real yearbook and slaughtered.

“Not sure what the problem is, boys,” said owner and GM “Inner Hammer”, who was reached by phone in the Teets Island Chain.  “Just giving the people what they want.  Nobody can tell me they’d rather see pics of Marian Hossa or Claude Giroux over close-up tits.”

“Inner Hammer” suddenly slammed the phone down and the interview was ended prematurely.

The Small Pizzas are expected to release a statement later today.

By Bernie Keebler
Senior Staff Writer

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Small Pizzas GM “Inner Hammer” killed two vendors yesterday at the 63rd Annual Teets Island Gun, Swords and Hard Spheres Show held on the island.

“I asked the fat as shit guys if I could see the old pirate-looking cutlass they had behind glass.  They took it out for me, handed it to me carefully and I immediately felt empowered.  So I just cut both their heads off.”

Police are trying to determine if the actions of the executive were in self-defense.

“The act of proffering a pirate cutlass could be viewed as an offensive action,” noted Detective Gee-Temple, who was flown into the Teets Island Chain to investigate.  “Inner Hammer may have been in the right.  We’re still looking into it.”

“Yeah, it was kind of awesome, guys,” noted Inner Hammer.  “If they hadn’t canceled the event and cleared the auditorium, I would have definitely bought that pirate cutlass even though it was all gnarly and all.”

Inner Hammer has murdered four people over the past two years, all food delivery persons.  Detective Gee-Temple says that the murder yesterday does not fit into the GM’s profile.

“We have to look at all the details.  This is by no means over.  It will probably be OK.”

By Grady Kitchens
Senior Staff Writer

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It is reported this morning that Terrifying Bat GM Ric Royer has been acting “all grabby” with a large Easter basket display at the Foontz-Flonnaise Home of Abundant Senselessness.

“It’s been difficult to keep him away from the Easter basket,” stated Warden Jenness, who was interviewed in the front lobby of the Home.  “It’s a particularly large basket that was donated by an anonymous patron and it features a great number of decorative felt flowers with smiley faces, Easter bunny bunting, large chocolate eggs, marshmallow decorative hams, all kinds of stuff. At first, he was really pawing at it– ripping the grass out, burying his whole head in the basket, taking things out and putting things back in. It’s starting to get a little out of hand at this point, though.”  Jenness suddenly became quiet and he was observed to look far down the hallway.  “I just saw him,” he said quietly.  “He’s planning something.”

Royer appeared from around a corner and began running directly towards Jenness with a shovel.  He was tackled by guards.

“That’s like the fifth time this morning,” Jenness noted, after Royer was subdued.

The eccentric GM was removed to his cell and was resting comfortably at last report.

By Dick Oakes, Jr.
Senior Staff Writer

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“The Camp of the Mordant and Unexpected”, which opened yesterday in the Eastern Lankville Wooded Area Region, has been met with wide disapproval, according to sources.

“It’s hell,” said a camper who refused to be identified.  “There are woods killers everywhere.  They just come out of the woods and kill people.  They need to figure out how to address that issue, otherwise, I think they’ll have trouble attracting more campers.”

Camp officials dismissed the complaints as growing pains.

“It’ll be alright,” said instructor Glennx Roberts.  “We learned some things yesterday and we will apply our knowledge to the future and go into the next round with a better idea of beginnings and endings.  We have some very nice facilities here.  It’ll be alright.”

Roberts was suddenly revealed to be one of the killers.  He was taken away.

“Definitely a mess here,” noted Detective Gee-Temple who responded to the scene.  “Looks like they came out of the woods and into the camp.  Then, they killed people.  Then, they went back into the woods.  That’s what I’ve got in my notes.”  Gee-Temple held up his notes to verify his statement.

“We’ll be taking some grass samples, some mud and maybe some of the giant assegai’s that were left lying around,” added the intrepid detective.  “We need to make the camp safe for camping.  That’s our main goal.”

The camp will be closed for at least a week.  Commissioner Pondicherry has yet to issue a statement.

By Hugh G. Pickens
Crime Beat Reporter

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Investigators fence off the sidewalk outside of Boffo Periods.

Pondicherry Association News reporter “The Chimney” was killed last night.  The journalist was 57.

“The Chimney” was reportedly involved in a series of incidents outside an East Lankville nightclub.  Police were involved.

“Witnesses reported that he was in a progressively agitated state throughout the evening,” noted Detective Gee-Temple, who responded to the scene.  “His condition was worsened by an enormous intake of alcohol and we found quite a hefty amount of island narcotics in his system.  He refused to leave the nightclub despite numerous requests from ownership.”

“He started smashing glasses and taking the shards of glass and slicing people,” stated Reg Sunnies, who has owned and operated Boffo Periods Nightclub since 2008.  “Then, he started slicing himself.  Then, he got inappropriate with some of the ladies.  That’s when we bounced him.”

“The Chimney” was involved in a standoff with police around 2:15 A.M., after refusing to move from the front sidewalk of Boffo Periods.

“We asked him to leave and he said no,” stated Gee-Temple.  “So, we shot him 17 times.”

“The Chimney” was hired this week after reporting on events in Lankville for 23 years.  He was recently divorced from his wife and is survived by a cot, a wicker hamper and some tools.

By Bill Hogg
Grocery Store Clerk

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There’s nothing I like better than to climb in that big ol’ piece of Lankville iron I got parked out front and drive through the streets without stopping. Once, I was able to make it all the way downtown, blowing every red light, without getting caught. People look at that old car and they say, “Why, Bill, that’s a piece of shit.” And I pull my cap down and say, “Nope. There’s power to spare under that big baby’s hood.” And they walk away then.

The Pondicherry book is the sort of thing you can read while driving. It’s also good for that time before twilight when you’re having six or seven beers in the weedy area behind the convenience store.  I even gave a copy to the little pervert who comes into the store and kneels behind the watermelons.  “Hey man, your nuts are as big as these watermelons,” he would say, senselessly.  But after I gave him the Pondicherry book, he quieted down and I found him a little stool and it calmed him for a good hour or two.

Then, there’s that fat lady who fashioned a hook under her skirt and we caught her taking out a couple of hams.  The manager wanted to arrest her but I talked him out of it.  “Go set her down in the corner and give her this book,” I said, pressing Pondicherry into his hand.  I believe it did teach her something.

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have a thing about smoking cigarettes on a toothpick.

By Brock Belvedere, Jr.
Senior Staff Writer

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A chimney will join the staff of The Pondicherry Association News it was announced this morning.

“We’re delighted to welcome the Chimney,” stated senior staff reporter Grady Kitchens at a morning press conference in which donuts and guns were handed out.  “His smoke beacons have alerted us to many great hockey news events in the past and we expect such intrepid reporting to continue unabated.”

The Chimney

“I’ve always admired his work,” said distinctive reporter Tito Presentation.  “He’s cute.  My only fear is that he could categorically make the decision to remove his essence from the world stage thereby creating massive confusion and a general uncomfortable feeling that will leads to fights and death.  He could do that and we need to all remember that.”

The Chimney declined to issue a statement.

By Grady Kitchens
Senior Staff Writer

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An interview with 24-Piece Men GM Chris Vitiello was interrupted today by an unexpected tree creature bubble attack.  The executive was unharmed and was able to repel the assault.

The interview, which took place by a series of lichen-covered rocks and small trees, was just underway when Vitiello noticed an enormous vengeful bubble floating directly towards him.  The executive dodged the menace which then reversed course and entrapped and carried away Association reporter Brock Belvedere, Jr.  The journalist is still missing as of press time.

“As I lay in the dust,” Vitiello later wrote, “I could sense that the bubbles were coming from far up on the rock and were emanating from a most vicious tree creature that was ten feet tall if he was an inch.  I knew that if I were to survive, I would have to lure him out of the rock cave.”

According to witnesses, the tree creature eventually made its way out of the rocks.  “It picked up Mr. Vitiello and threw him into a shallow pool,” said nearby resident Danius Zubrus, who was mowing his lawn.  “There was a long period of hand-to-hand combat with the tree creature still trying to ejaculate these large prison-like bubbles and Mr. Vitiello submerging the upper half of the tree creature under water.  Finally, Mr. Vitiello was able to drown the tree creature.  He walked off before we could even offer to help him.”

Vitiello is currently resting at his North Lankville home.   A report is expected later this afternoon.

By Larry “God” Peters
Far-Flung Areas Correspondent

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Darkness GM Fick, who remains nominally attached to his club, has grown taller and now wears a cape, sources have confirmed.

The executive, who lives in semi-retirement on the gloomy Lankville heaths, offered no explanation for his sudden physical transformation but expressed an abiding affection for sleeveless topcoats.

“I wear a cape all about the mansion, particularly in my book-lined study, while I mull over sundry topics by the fireside.”

When asked to generally describe the subject matter of his library, Fick demurred.

“Actually, most of the books are fake.  Some of them contain candy,” he added, hopefully.

Fick also noted that his teeth have grown.  “Yes, the weird heath dentist was quite surprised.  He took x-rays but then I believe he lost them on the heath so I guess we’ll never know.  I think he may have died, as well.”

A clatter was heard over the phone and Fick suddenly grew very quiet.

“That’s the loud halfwit,” he whispered.  “I must go.  Things will rapidly deteriorate now.”

The interview was suddenly ended.