Archive
OPINION: My Ultimate Plan is to Destroy You
By a nearby kitten.
I won’t mince words here. My ultimate plan is to destroy you.
You know how when you come downstairs in the morning and you’re in a hurry and you microwave yourself a breakfast burrito and I fucking stand there at the bowl and you don’t make a move towards feeding me? You know that? And you rush out and you just totally stonewall me? You know how that happens quite often, right? Well, guess what asshole? No more. Because now I have a plan cooked up that means your total, ultimate destruction.
As soon as I know you’re gone for good, I go down into the basement and start on the gas pipe. I’ve got that thing good and bent already. Then, I work a little bit on the line. I just drop a hammer on that fucker for a couple of hours. That’s right baby, I got nothing but time. That line is getting good and ruptured. And you know what, man? You’re never gonna’ know about it.
You might ask– doesn’t this ultimate plan of destruction mean my own destruction as well? Isn’t there an irony there? Not me, buddy. I got a whole plan of escape already worked out. When it’s time for this shit to go down, you won’t see me again. I’ll be miles away– I’ll just be able to make out the top of the explosion above the trees.
And I’ll turn and continue on down the road.
The Lankville Daily News does not necessarily condone this sort of activity.
SUNDAY FEATURE: Letters We Get From Old People
By Fletcher M. Gregory, Jr.
The Lankville Daily News is lusciously delighted beyond measure to present a new Sunday feature– letters we get from old people. Fletcher M. Gregory, Jr. served many years in the Lankville Air Legionnaires. He is now 85 years old and retired.
Mr. Gregory’s letter is to the Eastern Lankville Petroleum Company.
Dear Gentlemen,
My name is Fletcher M. Gregory, Jr. and I am 85 years old. Recently, my man-servant and chaffeur drove me to the local auditorium to attend a revival screening of the film Pardon My Trunk. It is a delightful Island film in which a family receives a clumsy elephant as a gift. But that is not why I am writing gentlemen.
After the film, my man-servant discovered that we were low on petroleum and he pulled into the nearest service station which happened to be an “ELP”. I must say, gentlemen, that both my man-servant and I were vastly disappointed. Firstly, an indigent lower-class person continually pestered my man-servant as he attempted to refuel the auto. The man kept saying, “I’m enjoying twenty-seven hours of wonderful sobriety, sir,” despite the fact that he was disturbingly inebriated. Then, without warning, he suddenly lurched forward and regurgitated what appeared to be a combination of malt liquor and some sort of orange, tubular-shaped snack food onto the rear window of my car.
Typical ELP service station.
I say, gentlemen, if you cannot keep your stations free of such human detritus, then your business shall surely suffer for it.
I am not finished, however. After my man-servant was able to free himself of this absurd individual, he went about the business of attempting to remove the vomitus expulsion from the rear window of the auto. Despite an exhaustive search, my man-servant could not locate a “squeegee” anywhere on the lot. He decided then to probe the attendant as to the reason for the lack of “squeegee’s”. He was (curtly) told by the lower-class attendant that we don’t got no squeegee’s. So now, gentlemen, I must ask– WHY? WHY ARE YOU UNABLE TO PROVDE THE CONSUMER WITH A SQUEEGEE?
Unless furnished with an appropriate answer, I will be unable to patronize your establishment in the future.
Limp regards,
Fletcher M. Gregory, Jr.
The Eastern Lankville Petroleum Company had not responded to Mr. Gregory’s letter at press time.
OPINION: I Can Still Get Through the Mural and Have Sex With a Lot of Guys
By “An Arrival”
For awhile, my Father in the Timeless Realm of the Gods prevented me from getting through the mural at Vitiello Decorative Hams Arena. Then, suddenly, one day it was open again. I just walked through and once again it became my point of entry to earth.
At first, I went through only occasionally– when Father was visiting other Realms, for example. Then I got careless and just started throwing myself at about any swinging dick that came along. I even went back with this guy that was incarcerated in a mental institution. For some reason they were letting him drive a van around. I was roller-skating by the river and he pulled up alongside me.
“Check out this van,” he said.
And that was it.
It went like that for awhile. Lot of waking up at noon, putting on tight green shorts with three stripes up the side, blow-drying my hair, skating around all afternoon by the beach, having sex with a lot of guys. And then one day, there was my Father in the Timeless Realm of the Gods, standing before me with the two servants of the Sphere behind him. They had just appeared all of the sudden out of this guy’s closet.
“Who is this creature?” he said in his typically booming voice.
“Kenny, I think,” I answered. I wasn’t even sure.
My Father in the Timeless Realm of the Gods nodded to the servants of the Sphere. They lifted Kenny up off the bed and took him out into the kitchen. I never saw him after that.
“The mural has been closed permanently,” My Father noted. He would not look at me but was staring at a magazine that was flung open over an office chair.
“You have had enough.” It was a statement, not a question but I decided to answer it anyway.
“Never. I could go on doing this forever.”
He picked up my skates then. Before my eyes, a chasm opened up in the carpet. And the skates were cast into them. The chasm closed.
And now I am back in the Timeless Realm. The portal is thick with briers and guarded daily.
OPINION: I’m the Kind of Guy You Meet in a Stuffy Attic
By Zach Keebaugh Citizen
You head upstairs to the attic in search of some wrapping paper or maybe your favorite pair of summer swim trunks. “It’s a little stuffy up here,” you think. “I should open a window.” You make your way through the half-darkness, stumbling over an old stereo receiver or a box of comic books. Finally, you arrive at the window and throw it open. “Some air,” you think. “That’ll get things circulating.” Then, you turn back.
AND THERE I AM, MAN.
Because, I’m the kind of guy you meet in a stuffy attic.
Your mind races. How did he get in here? Did I leave a door open while I was outside raking up all those old pumpkins? Did he climb up here? Is that even possible?
Fact is, all that’s irrelevant.
Because I’m the kind of guy you meet in a stuffy attic. Just is, man.
“What…do you want?” you say. I emerge from beneath the old roof beams. I don’t say much. There’s not much to be said. Thousands of years of civilization have passed to achieve this moment. Deep down, we both know this. We both know our assigned purposes. I need not even know yours. But I know mine.
I’m the kind of guy you meet in a stuffy attic.
Then, I turn and make my way down the stairs.
The opinions of Zach Keebaugh are not necessarily those of The Lankville Daily News or any of its subsidiaries.
OPINION: I Really Wasn’t Crazy About the Look of the Little Potatoes This Morning
By Lurv Sprayberry
I really wasn’t crazy about the look of the little potatoes this morning. It’s too bad because that’s a part of my day that I really look forward to.
The little potatoes that shook Lurv to his core.
I won’t say eating my little potatoes is the first thing I do in the morning. Usually, I check out my computer signals and how the glue on my latest model rocket has dried overnight and maybe dump my sheets in the wash basin for Mom. But then I head right out to the buffet- get a big helping of little potatoes and a juice and sit down and look at The News.
I stood over the little potatoes for at least ten minutes today. Something was wrong, I knew it but I don’t think I wanted to know it. As time passed, I could see that the texture was all off. The colors seemed enhanced– they were almost too yellow. And those tongs just thrown in there. That’s the first time I’ve seen that from the Islanders that run the place. You don’t usually see the tongs until you order. But this time, they were just kind of lounging there petulantly. The scene was all off and I didn’t like it.
I asked if they had another pan of little potatoes but the Islander didn’t understand me. He kept pointing to the tongs and I had to finally look away. I know they probably had another pan in the back but I felt, somehow, that they would be exactly the same. That today was just a cursed day. And so I left.
I just couldn’t get over the look of the little potatoes this morning.
The opinions of Lurv Sprayberry are not necessarily the opinions of The Lankville Daily News or any of its subsidiaries.
OPINION: I Want to Ask You a Question…
“The Best”
I want to ask you a serious question. What, exactly, do you like in a mattress? You like cloud-like comfort or super-firm support? You like allergy-free foam rubber or costly horsehair? You need a king-size– so you can get everybody in there? Or you want an extra-long mattress so you can stretch out?
What kind of pillows you want with that? Zippered antique satin? Something you can toss on the mattress made of antique rayon? Zippered to come off for easy washing? Comes in red, white, blue, gold, brown, tangerine, banana, and olive? Or you want to pamper yourself with a chair-style bedrest? Bouquet-print cotton covers? Fluffy? Resilient? Is that more your speed?
How about a 6-way pillow AND a contour bedrest? Something in pink? Gold? Desert colors? Something comfortable to match the carpet? Yeah?
What? You trying to add an aura of quaintness to any room? You want some dotted curtains ideal for problem windows? Something cloth-woven with easy-care glass fibers that dry in a wink and never need ironing? Come in white or pastels of gold, pink, pizza or aqua? Yeah? Is that what you want?
What’s that? Oh yeah? You’re looking to just redo everything, huh? An automatic washer that removes lint fuzz with a filter-flo system? You want the detergent to dissolve and evenly disperse throughout the load? What? You want a 12-pound capacity? You want two different wash temperatures? One rinse temperature? Yeah? Oh yeah?
What’s that again? You want a 12-inch tall blinking cat lamp? The kind where the lights come through the cat’s eyes? Yeah? You want what options? Ivory, charcoal or beige? With highlights of brown? And you want extra lightbulbs that come in different colors? White? Yellow? Blue? You want them in boxes of five? You want some of the boxes to have one color but others to have multi-colors? Really? Yeah?
Well, OK then. Sounds like you better… What? That’s right, you better come see THE BEST.
The opinions of “The Best” are not necessarily those of The Lankville Daily News or its subsidiaries.
I’ve Been Thrown Into an Industrial Tire Shredder Before, I’ll Be Thrown Into an Industrial Tire Shredder Again
By Dick La Hoyt
Yeah, I’m here to deliver a wake-up call to that clown that works over in Sector II. Guess what, buddy? I’ve been thrown into an industrial tire shredder before and I’ll be thrown into an industrial tire shredder again.
So, I’m at work yesterday, just minding my own business over by the single-pass M85 stationary shredder– just feeding tires into that baby and cracking some jokes with some of the other fellows. And this turd comes over totally out of the blue with two tires and he just throws them on in there. I said, WHOA, BUDDY! THEM MOTHERFUCKERS HAVE GOT TO BE AUTHORIZED BY YOURS TRULY, FIRST! He just looked at me awhile and then he asked what I was going to do about it. And I told him right then and there that I’d do whatever it took.
The next thing I know, we’re going at it and this jackass got a couple of good belly punches in and then, when I was bent over, he picked me up and threw me into the tire shredder. I couldn’t believe it none.
So, anyways, I just wanted to let that bastard ass know one thing– I’ve been thrown into an industrial tire shredder before and I’ll be thrown into an industrial tire shredder again.
The opinions of Dick La Hoyt are not necessarily the opinions of The Lankville Daily News
OPINION: I’ve Been Punched in the Mouth Before, I’ll Be Punched in the Mouth Again
By Dick La Hoyt
This is a message for that guy that punched me in the mouth in back of the Carpet Diablo store on Route 32 on Sunday night. Guess what, asshole? I’ve been punched in the mouth before and I’ll be punched in the mouth again.
This guy, let me tell you. All I was doing was standing there, minding my own business, looking at some brown carpet tiles. I wanted a carpet that would absorb moisture and put up with a real pounding but that would also look good in my basement game room. So I headed right away to Carpet Diablo. They never disappoint.
So, like I said, I’m just standing there and this asshole suddenly horns in on the tiles I’m looking at. Whole time, he’s chatting up his girlfriend, trying to look like big shit. I said, “WHOA, BUDDY. These carpet tiles are spoken for.”
Well, one thing led to another and the next thing you know, we’re in the weedy area in back of the store after closing time. There wasn’t nobody around on account of it being Sunday. And the guy, he says, “I’ll fight you, but first you better go over there and check on that pile of items wrapped up in that tarp. I don’t want no extra trouble.”
Well, I didn’t know what the asshole was talking about except that there was a big bunch of items on the far side of the lot. I got over there and shook some rainwater off the tarp and peeked inside. It was just a couple of bodies and a bunch of guns– usual kind of thing you’d see on a Sunday evening in Lankville. I go to turn around to tell the guy but the next thing I know, he’s right on top of me and he punched me forty-six times in the mouth. I heard the girl laughing and then I lay there for awhile. It was dark when I finally got up and found that my car had been towed. It was a hell of an evening.
So, I just want to make sure that lousy asshat knows it. I’ve been punched in the mouth before, I’ll be punched in the mouth again.
The opinions of Dick La Hoyt are not necessarily the opinons of the Lankville Daily News or its subsidiaries.
OPINION: Mural at Vitiello Arena is Point of Entry to Earth
By “An Arrival”
Special Correspondent
File photo
A few weeks ago, a local artist was hired to paint a mural on an exterior wall of Vitiello Decorative Hams Arena. He chose to paint a bunch of random hot women. Little did he know that he was painting “the muses” and that this very mural would became my point of entry to earth.
My mission here was to inspire men to choreograph great dance scenes and to sing in choruses. Unfortunately, I violated the terms of my mission by sleeping with a bunch of them. Actually, just about all of them. I didn’t really do any inspiring either. Unless your definition of inspiring is getting out of bed at 2PM, roller-skating by the ocean in tight shorts and then engaging in a lot of wild waterbed sex.
Imagine my surprise then, when I was finally recalled to the timeless realm of the Gods. I stood before my Father and, of course, he knew all about it. “You have fallen in love with all these mortals,” he said. “Nah, I didn’t love any of them,” I admitted. “We were just having a good time, you know?” He was mystified. “You better have that mural painted over or I’ll probably keep going back there,” I offered. “This one guy, he wants to put me in some films he’s making.”
My Father thought about it for awhile.
“It will have to be done,” he said.
And I guess he somehow worked it out with this Vitiello fellow because I can’t get through the portal at all anymore.
It was fun while it lasted.
OPINION: Time for the Pondicherry Association to Step Up
By Two Pandas
Special Panda Correspondents
file photo
Now that the lockout has ended, it is time for the Pondicherry Association to step up. It is time for the Pondicherry Association to have a “Save the Pandas Night.”
It should be immediate. It should be on opening night. It should be league-wide.
The Pondicherry Association has done nothing to help us.
Other giant pandas are less diplomatic than us. “Jesus H. Christ, I’m not fucking around anymore,” wrote another panda friend. “Otherwise, there will be danger.” This panda has been known to push over things. We do not necessarily condone this, we mention it only as a warning.
We have sent letters, emails, texts, and boat notes. There has been no reply.
The Pondicherry Association is not helping us.
OPINION: The Pondicherry Association is Spying On Us
By Two Pandas
Special Panda Correspondents
file photo
They have a long tube that they inserted into one of the wood slats. “It’s for drainage possibilities,” the man said.
The next day, when we examined the tube, we found a large eye at the other end.
It’s googly with a faint tinge of red. It remained there all day. We moved to the other side of the yard.
The Pondicherry Association is spying on us.
Sometimes, we can hear typing– a faint click-clack of a keyboard. We know now that daily reports are being submitted. We know not where.
Occasionally, late at night, we are awakened by the sound of pneumatic tubes. There is a sudden whoosh and then a whirr, then silence. Then, generally, someone is shot nearby.
But the googly eye remains. It grows redder by the day. We think it has grown mad.
OPINION: The Pondicherry Association Hung Up On Us
By Two Pandas
Special Panda Correspondents
file photo
We call every day now. We are met with an effervescent voice on the line– the sort of friendly, bubbly female intonation that smacks of good cheer and high benevolence.
“We would like to speak to the commissioner or whoever is in charge at the moment,” we say (together).
“Of course,” she responds. “Who is calling?”
We pause.
“It’s the pandas.”
And we are immediately disconnected. We call again with the same result.
The Pondicherry Association hangs up on us.
A few days after our campaign, a crate was brought to our fetid yard. “It’s from the Pondicherry Association,” they said. We cracked it open excitedly. There, before us, was a stack of bamboo.
“They have helped us,” we said (together).
We took out sticks and gnawed on the edges. We were met with the taste of cold plastic.
“That’s not bamboo,” said the stooltaker. “That’s PVC pipes.”
We tossed it away into the corner of the yard and began the calls again.
But the Pondicherry Association just hung up on us.
Again and again.
OPINION: The Pondicherry Association is Not Helping Us
By Two Pandas
Special Panda Correspondents
File photo
Last year, the Pondicherry Association held two “Save the Panda” events. This year, because of the lockout, they have held none. The Pondicherry Association is not helping us.
We’ve been sitting in a yard eating grass for quite some time now. About three or four times a week, a man comes along with a shovel and pail and cleans up our stool. Each time, we say, “Have you heard from the Pondicherry Association yet?” and each time he just shakes his head sadly and looks down at the stool. We have seen him cry a bit. And we too have cried.
We asked that a cell phone and our address book be brought. And we tried each and every Pondicherry owner (with the exception of Nick, who is a space asshole of the highest water). Each time, at best, we could reach only an embarrassed secretary. With Fick (who organized the events last year), we reached only an extremely loud halfwit. We are at a loss.
So, we will continue sitting in this fenced-in yard. It rains frequently and the stool turns to slop. That is what is happening now.
The Pondicherry Association is not helping us.
ACCOMMODATIONS
When staying in the Area Beyond the Outlands, pick the Murray. Friendly, creative staff, delightful beds, curtains. Phone Far Outlands 5-6712.
LANKVILLE DAILY NEWS: IN BOOK FORM!
The book is gone. It will never return. We hear stories but they are likely false. We live in the woods now. We make fire with a lighter that we found in the street. It was crushed by a truck but, somehow, perhaps through some intervention that is beyond us, it still works. We are waiting. We are waiting.
Original Pondicherry Association News promotional advertisement (2009)
TONIGHT ON TV! RICHARD AND THE POSTMAN REUNION SPECIAL!
The Hit program from the 1970's returns to Lankville TV tonight on LBC!
ADULT ADVERTISEMENT
Women all over Lankville are just sitting at mammoth computers waiting to hear from men like you! Just insert a floppy disk, write a (non-sexual) message and let the sparks fly! (Computer not included).
ADVERTISEMENT
A Vitiello Decorative Ham makes a great gift. Show that you care today.
BANDED DUFFELS ON PALLETS
Assorted colors. Whatever you want to do, man. Call Lankville Falls, 3247.
BRIAN SCHROPP IN THE LANKVILLE DAILY NEWS
The most important cuisine articles ever written.
CANDY
Jipps Co. Full Service Candy Counter! Our alert girls will push gummy drops into special paper sheaths, engage in restrained pleasantries and explain chocholate-to-nougat ratios. Call Central Lankville 3614.
CAT PHOTO
In compliance with Lankville subsection 11:16-4.
CHAMBERS CO. HAND DRILLS: When Electricity is Not an Option
When electricity is not an option consider the Chambers Company hand crank drills. Perfect for use in tight spaces, on distant islands or for drilling holes in fences to see TITS. Call 4-2309.
EMPLOYMENT
Big Ed's BBQ Shack is looking for a part-time waitress. Someone who doesn't nose around and ask a lot of difficult questions. Call Lankville Rougher Area, 5-2100.
EMPLOYMENT
Nuts, Ah! is looking for an experienced nut-handler. Experience with bagging nuts also important. If you break the nut sack, the nuts will drop onto the floor. Come in person for application to Twin Removed Pines Mall. NO CALLS.
FOX FOR PARTIES
Hire the Poetry Fox for Your Child's Next Party. Reasonable rates. Writes poems, dances, will not stand for any shenanigans. Call South Lankville 2009.
The funny stories of Dick Oakes, Jr. have thrilled millions. Look for them today in The Lankville Daily News!
GELSINGER’S ALLURE CLUB
Topless, bottomless wonderland. Mysterious back rooms. Carpeted entirely in astroturf. NO CALLS.
GREBOV BROTHERS TELESCOPE COMPANY
The Grebov Brothers are Lankville's finest purveyor of telescopes for astronomy enthusiasts. Substantial 4.5" apertures and fast f/4 focal ratios provide bright, detailed views of solar system targets like the Moon and planets, as well as wide-field celestial objects like nebulas and star clusters but also TITS.
GUMP PENETRATES
Only in The Lankville Daily News
HADBAWNIK HAUNTED STAIRCASE COMPANY
The Hadbawnik Company is Lankville's #1 installer of haunted, brush-littered staircases. Friendly non-foreign staff! Call Western (Outer) Lankville, 2154 or 2198 today.
HADBAWNIK HAUNTED BRUSH PILES!
The Hadbawnik Haunted Staircase Company is now offering haunted brush piles for use on your staircase. Create eerie, supernal ambiance. Allow the brush to blow haphazardly in the wind, creates fear, foreboding. Call our friendly staff of white people at Western Lankville, 2154. Brush piles may contain other forms of yard debris.
HEY! WANT A MONKEY?
Hey! Want a live little monkey? They do cute things like climb into pumpkins. Call "The Captain"- Central Lankville Hills, 5264.
HOME DUMP Your Neighborhood Hardware Store 16 Lankville Locations!
Weekly Special: Primitive Forged Hooks. Buy 4, Get a Can of Paint. Or Maybe Not. You'll Just Have to Find Out.
INFLAMED BY STARS AND BLOOD
Lankville's Premier Science Fiction and Horror Magazine Now Appearing in The Lankville Daily News!
JOHNNY PADRES, OPTICIAN
Lankville has been relying on Dr. Johnny Padres for their optical needs since 1973. We offer a full service family eye care center and provide examinations for glasses and contacts and have a large display of designer, traditional and innovative eyewear for both regular prescription eyeglasses and sunglasses all of which will enable you to see TITS better. Call Lankville Business 2618-2.
LIFE LESSONS FUNERAL HOME
Life Lessons Funeral Home has been helping Lankville with dead people since 1932. Contact Eddie or Stummins, Lankville Business, 5-2161.
LOOK AT THESE BEAUTIES!
Really some of our best ever! Have you ever seen anything like it? Call Kelly (male) at Lankville Sound 2615.
MISSING
Missing: adult penguin. Christ, I just let him out in the yard for one minute and now he's gone. Responds to the name "Richard". Call Lankville Eastern Outlands, 5-6213.
NOW PLAYING!
The Unhinged: A New Film by Tom "Vapor" Rayford. Crisp Street Cinema, Eastern Lankville
PINEAPPLE CITY: A New Way of Being
Pineapple City is a new way of being, feeling and having your shirt off. Located in the distant, barren Lankville Pines, Pineapple City is now accepting applications for sheds. Call PINES, 2-5771.
THE PUZZLER
In the pie chart above, what segment represents a certain specific strata of the general population?
REAL ESTATE
Little shed for sale. With door, mailbox, dirt plot. Site of multiple murders but don't worry, they happened around back. To inquire, come to the shed. Go around back.
REAL ESTATE
Four acre lot in Eastern Lankville Cove Area. Price reduced! Site of a fireworks display in which several people fell out of their lawnchairs and died. Locals believe it haunted but that's crap. Call Cove 2751.
THE RECKONER EXACTRA 2.0 : A Danny Madison Product
It's Your Time: CALCULATE
SARAH SAMWAYS: CONTRIBUTING FEMALE
Exclusively in the Lankville Daily News (and some other papers).
SPEAKING ENGAGEMENT
Robin Brox will sit around and get progressively more intoxicated while listening to this other broad natter on about something. LANKVILLE REGIONAL AUDITORIUM, August 4, 11PM.
SPEAKING ENGAGEMENT CANCELED
The Dr. M. Chambers speech and candy-making event has been canceled again following Dr. Chambers' sudden collapse into some baskets. New date TBA
TRAVEL TIPS by Randy Hammers
The Kum Back Inn in the Lankville Desert Area has long been serving road-weary travelers. They feature a restaurant (with cocktails) and two spacious conference rooms. The Kum Back boasts 65 units-- each including window dressing, some chairs and a larger chair (seats two smallish children), a bed with orange comforter, a plastic trash can, clever paintings, and a windowless door. TV also available in 17 (sometimes 19) rooms. Most of the rooms are air-conditioned. Oscillating fans available upon request. Illuminated carports will protect your vehicle from the vicious sudden dust storms that often overtake the Desert Area and the wild thieves that occasionally parade across the landscape like some unmentionable horror. Call now at TU-0780 and ask for Bud or Karen (married).
UTILITY YARD SHEDS
The Lowinger Brothers offer great utility yard sheds at low prices. This one is haunted. Call Lankville Port Area 1072.
VACATION PACKAGES!
Spectacular vacations in campers by little mountains. Your cares will melt away but you will have to be careful of that shack (pictured). A lunatic lives there. Call Mercantile District 2711.
WRESTLING TONIGHT!
8PM, Southern Lankville Man-Arena. Featuring Ric "Wild Boy" Tipps (green trunks).
ZACH KEEBAUGH INVESTIGATIONS
Only in The Lankville Daily News
The Lankville Daily News 
LETTER SACK