Doctor Pennies on Obfuscation, Burying
By Doctor Pennies
Special Correspondent
File photo
Obfuscation and the burial of bodies are similar. They both involve a glorious, intentional lack of clarity. They are ambiguous.
I find it best to bury things near the water. The soil is richer here, much easier to pierce with the spade.
Medical language is carefully crafted obfuscation. You want to control the audience. You want them to come around to accepting your methods. This is the opposite of ordering food. There can be nothing vague about your food order. Else, you would starve or, at the least, be displeased with your selection.
Thanks.
The thoughts of Dr. Pennies will continue in further issues.
Woman in a Man’s Game
By Robin Brox
File photo
He took me out to the racetrack. It was desolate, not a car in the unpaved, dirt parking lot. It had rained so there were puddles everywhere. Puddles and potholes, filled with brown water and the effluvia of filthy, degenerate mankind.
The sky was slate grey.
He launched the airplane. It made a queer buzzing noise, then ascended out of sight.
“Imagine my pride at this,” he noted. I hated his winter jacket– it was too damn puffy. A man gets too puffy and he looks like a total asshole.
“Did you hear how it took off towards the heavens with a great WHOOSH?” he added. That was enough.
“No, don’t go yet, don’t go,” he pleaded. “You have to see this.”
In the grey distance, I could see something red appear from the bottom of the plane.
“It’s the recovery chute!” he exclaimed joyously. “It will float gently back to earth. Another sensational flight!”
The plane disappeared with a final ejaculatory buzz. We walked back to the car. I dumped him a couple of days later.
Just Try to Find a God Damn Adapter to Fit a Sonuvabitch Three-Prong Plug Into a Mother of a Whore Two-Prong Outlet
By Fingers Rolly
Man on the Street
File photo
I’d challenge you to find a god damn adapter to fit one of those sonuvabitch three-prong plugs into a mother of a whore two-prong outlet. You’ll wander around staring at that blue piece of shit carpet for hours before you finally bump into some Johnny Fuckhead with a little name badge who don’t know his ass from a bunch of balloons and just wants to sell you some tapes. And you’ll just go back home still not being able to plug in that new asshole meat slicer and so you’ll just scream at that desert, that cracked and brown shitcan and then you’ll just fall asleep at your own table.
Then I called up some company and got the scream down to a low moan. I could talk in between. But the guy on the other end was from out in the islands and I damn near couldn’t understand a word he said. I think by the end of the whole god damn snowjob, I sent a check for something and then I caught that motherfucking desert out of the corner of my eye and I just couldn’t help but to scream loud and strong hoping that would be the final time with that big ol’ bitch.
I think it came the other day in a little yellow box. God damn assholes.
The Pondicherry Association News would like to apologize for the preceding article. Fingers Rolly is no longer being given assignments.
They Have Made Me the First Human Being Able to Communicate from the Beyond
By Paul Bearer
Former Lankville Wrestling Manager (Deceased)
File photo
Mankind has speculated for years about the ability of the deceased to speak to the living. There have been a lot of theories but I need you to understand that these speculations have all ended at the chalk line of reality. Until now.
When I died, I found myself transported to a room with a lot of long tables. They said, “Sit down, sit down at one of those tables.” So I did. And I sat for awhile.
But then, I was called forward to an office. And the guy said, “Paul, we’ve decided to make you the first human being able to communicate with the living. You’ll have a little column with The Pondicherry Association News. Write what you want, we don’t really care. Just so’s people know that you’re dead and, yet, you’re still writing things.”
Then they sent me back to the long white tables with a pad of paper, a little box of pens and a pneumatic tube device. “When you’re done with your column,” said an administrator who wandered by at one point, “just put it in the tube and send it on down. Works just like those tubes at the bank back on earth.”
I looked up at him (I still had my makeup on and everything– I tried to wash it off but nothing happened) and said, “I never used those bank tubes. I always went inside.”
The administrator just stared at me and moved his shoulders up once quickly. “So what? What do I care? Tell them down there about it. Not me.”
I struggled with the column for a couple of days. What do you say to the people of earth when you’re dead? So, I went back to the office.
“I don’t know what to write,” I confessed. “Should I be all spooky and eerie?”
“Do what you want but it need not be dramatic,” said the man in the office. He was dressed in white, thick robes. “I’d just write about everyday stuff. Sitting at the long tables, whatever. Just as long as everybody down there understand that you’re writing stuff to them but you’re dead at the same time.”
“OK.” The makeup was really starting to bother me now but it wouldn’t come off. I was also really hot. It’s about 90 degrees here.
“Can I have one of those robes?” I asked, as I was leaving.
He looked up. “No way we have your size. Leave the suit on.”
So, anyway, here’s my first column. Just want to stress again:
I am dead.
Paul Bearer’s column will continue in future issues.
Royer Eats Cake in New Van
By Dick Oakes, Jr.
Senior Staff Writer
File Photo
Incarcerated Terrifying Bat GM Ric Royer ate a cake in his new van, sources are now confirming.
The van and the cake were transported to the Foontz-Flonnaise Home of Abundant Senselessness some time today around noon and the executive was permitted to sit inside his new purchase for nearly an hour.
“We felt it would be alright, that it would be good for his morale,” stated Warden Jenness, who brokered the deal. “He was not allowed access to the keys but he did repeatedly engage the loud novelty horn and move the seats back and forth.”
Royer began eating the cake around 12:30 LST.
“They had me bring the cake over,” said baker Tony Mirabelli, who operates Mirabelli’s Stiff Pastries in Eastern Lankville. “This fellow grabbed it and gave me a look like I had stolen it from him. Then, real quick, he kicked me about four times straight in the face. Knocked me clean out.”
Witnesses stated that Royer hoisted the cake over his head and then overturned the box.
“Some portions of the cake made it into his mouth but most of it just separated into individual slices and fell all over the place,” noted Warden Jenness. “The cake had all these sprinkles on the outer rim too and it just made one hell of a mess. He [Royer] collected all the pieces off the floor, put them in the box and then did the same exact thing. He repeated this about 30 times, meanwhile blowing that loud novelty horn constantly. Finally, he fell asleep.
Mirabelli was later revived and then suddenly died. No charges were filed against Royer.
Musings of a Decorative Ham Man
By Chris Vitiello
File photo
I sat in the white room. A guy came out holding a clipboard.
“A terrible battle to the death ensues between two ferocious dinosaurs,” he read. He was wearing a red tie. I had a fervent desire to whip him.
He went back in.
Then he came out again.
“The oversized gila monster will menace a small group of experienced fighters.”
“GIVE US SOMETHING TO WORK WITH!” shouted a nearby old codger. But the man just went back in again.
Then he came out.
“The stampeding dinosaurs will flee the erupting volcano.”
“I want to die,” moaned the old codger.
The man never came out again. I was never seen. I fashioned a sling out of a bedsheet and healed on my own.
Police to Investigate Reappearance of Dr. Pennies
By Hugh G. Pickens
Crime Beat Reporter
File photo
Lankville police are currently investigating the reappearance of the notorious murderer and former Association club owner Dr. Pennies, sources have confirmed. Dr. Pennies was recently hired by the Pondicherry Association News to pen a new column.
“We are looking into this,” stated Detective Gee-Temple at an early morning press conference held in a windy field. “There are some similarities– both individuals are over seven feet tall and completely hairless but Pennies is a rather common last name and we really cannot jump to any conclusions at this point.”
The wanted Dr. Pennies disappeared shortly after the conclusion of the 2010 season. He is believed to have killed thousands.
“I really felt that he had died because we didn’t find him,” added Gee-Temple, whose coat suddenly blew off. “We looked in a lot of places too. We scoured his house, for example.”
Reporter Pennies could not be reached for comment. The address field on his Association News contract was left blank.
“He has a locker and he used the microwave in the canteen yesterday,” noted fellow reporter Grady Kitchens. “He cooked a lasagna at incredible temperatures for long periods until it finally exploded. I felt that he was trying to tell us something. Then he walked quietly away. That was the last I saw of him.”
A new article from Dr. Pennies is expected tomorrow.
Doctor Pennies on Heat, Corpses
By Doctor Pennies
Special Correspondent
File photo
You can feel the heat of a woman in your bed long after she has left. Upon occasion, the heat is tremendous. She’ll say, “It’s your heat, you stupid shit. Because you’re so fat.” But I know the difference. It’s the heat of a woman.
Also, I worked on a lot of corpses as an intern. There is no heat there.
Thanks.
Doctor Pennies’ thoughts will continue in further issues.
Vitiello Discusses Tree Creature Bubble Attack
By Grady Kitchens
Senior Staff Writer
File photo
After resting comfortably at home for nearly a week, 24-Piece Men owner and decorative ham magnate Chris Vitiello took a moment to discuss his recent tree creature bubble attack.
GK: Were you scared?
CV: If you’d like to massage your own vanity, that is your problem. I am certainly not scared of you Mr. Kitchens.
GK: No, I meant…
CV: I know what you meant.
GK: Let’s move on. Do you think such attacks will become more common in Lankville?
CV: Why don’t you consult an expert? Who would be an expert in such things, Mr. Kitchens?
GK: Well, the police said…
CV(laughs loudly): The police!
GK: Tell us what it was like watching Brock Belvedere being carried away?
CV: Are you really prepared to get into this, Mr. Kitchens? Are you really prepared to know such things?
GK: Our readers…
CV: Alright, that’s it.
Kitchens was whipped mercilessly.
Barlow Recalls Early Days as Magazine Writer
By Salty Cubbes
Sedentary Reporter
File photo
Oversions GM John Barlow today recalled his early days as a writer and film reviewer for the legendary Lankville science fiction and horror magazine Inflamed by Stars and Blood.
“Those were the halcyon days,” said the executive, who was interviewed in his spacious downtown office overlooking a strange field of carefully-placed but purposeless rocks and pebbles. “I was a great devotee of science fiction until I became driven by my goal of vast wealth at which point all interest in culture and humanity simply drifted away like a puddle in the sun.”
Barlow began sobbing lightly.
“I have no regrets, however,” he stated loudly, slamming his fist on his desk. “I own the Oversions after all.”
The GM was not part of the recent festivities honoring the famed magazine which published a print version from 1956 to 1988 and is now currently online only.
“I was invited but I tore up the card,” he said. “I’m not sure why I reacted so violently toward it, frankly. I was treated very well with ISB. They were good fellows.”
“LEAVE NOW!” Barlow suddenly exclaimed as the room grew eerily dark and almost preternatural.
Editor’s note: Inflamed by Stars and Blood can be viewed at:
These Fucking Pricks and their Pants
By Fingers Rolly
Man on the Street
File photo
I can’t believe these fucking pricks and their god damn pants. I could take you right to a men’s store and find you that fucking revolving belt stand but god help these little shit perverts. “I can see the crack of your ass!” is what I want to yell. Instead, I just holler at the desert– all cracked and brown and just fucking king hill bullshit.
Pants come in two colors– brown and blue. They try to fucking sell you anything else and any self-respecting man would turn the other god damn way. You just have to be careful you don’t turn the way that leads into that mother of a whore desert.
Mother used to have this fucking spinning jenny. Spun out belts made out of thick as shit hemp. Not only were your slacks not ever going to fall down but you couldn’t even remove that lousy little asshole. It was hopeless then. You’d just sit around and there was not a single godforsaken thing in the world you could do.
That sonuvabitch desert is back again.
The Pondicherry Association News would like to apologize for the preceding article. Fingers Rolly is no longer receiving assignments.
Vitiello Interview Interrupted by Tree Creature Bubble Attack
By Grady Kitchens
Senior Staff Writer
File photo
An interview with 24-Piece Men GM Chris Vitiello was interrupted today by an unexpected tree creature bubble attack. The executive was unharmed and was able to repel the assault.
The interview, which took place by a series of lichen-covered rocks and small trees, was just underway when Vitiello noticed an enormous vengeful bubble floating directly towards him. The executive dodged the menace which then reversed course and entrapped and carried away Association reporter Brock Belvedere, Jr. The journalist is still missing as of press time.
“As I lay in the dust,” Vitiello later wrote, “I could sense that the bubbles were coming from far up on the rock and were emanating from a most vicious tree creature that was ten feet tall if he was an inch. I knew that if I were to survive, I would have to lure him out of the rock cave.”
According to witnesses, the tree creature eventually made its way out of the rocks. “It picked up Mr. Vitiello and threw him into a shallow pool,” said nearby resident Danius Zubrus, who was mowing his lawn. “There was a long period of hand-to-hand combat with the tree creature still trying to ejaculate these large prison-like bubbles and Mr. Vitiello submerging the upper half of the tree creature under water. Finally, Mr. Vitiello was able to drown the tree creature. He walked off before we could even offer to help him.”
Vitiello is currently resting at his North Lankville home. A report is expected later this afternoon.
Darkness GM Fick Has Grown Taller; Now Wears Cape
By Larry “God” Peters
Far-Flung Areas Correspondent
File photo
Darkness GM Fick, who remains nominally attached to his club, has grown taller and now wears a cape, sources have confirmed.
The executive, who lives in semi-retirement on the gloomy Lankville heaths, offered no explanation for his sudden physical transformation but expressed an abiding affection for sleeveless topcoats.
“I wear a cape all about the mansion, particularly in my book-lined study, while I mull over sundry topics by the fireside.”
When asked to generally describe the subject matter of his library, Fick demurred.
“Actually, most of the books are fake. Some of them contain candy,” he added, hopefully.
Fick also noted that his teeth have grown. “Yes, the weird heath dentist was quite surprised. He took x-rays but then I believe he lost them on the heath so I guess we’ll never know. I think he may have died, as well.”
A clatter was heard over the phone and Fick suddenly grew very quiet.
“That’s the loud halfwit,” he whispered. “I must go. Things will rapidly deteriorate now.”
The interview was suddenly ended.
COUNTERPOINT: Hey Asshole– You’re Not Getting No Hockey Because You’re a Dumb Baboon
By Frank “Big Shit” Barbey
Veteran of the Depths War
File photo
Hey asshole! You can forget about getting hockey in The Depths. Know why? Cause you’re a dumb baboon, that’s why.
I didn’t watch my boys from the 118th get put in them cages back in the Depths War so you can go ahead and start skating around and playing hockey. Granted, them cages were just a careful square of traffic cones and most of my boys walked right out of ’em but it doesn’t make it any better. And granted, you always gave us pretty good dinners back there in the holding basement but you and me are enemies. I put my foot down as a veteran– no god damn baboons in the Pondicherry Association.
I’m going to write a bunch of letters.
The opinions of Frank “Big Shit” Barbey are not necessarily those of the Pondicherry Association News.
POINT: Pondicherry Should Expand to “The Depths”
By Phil Miller
Depths Correspondent
File photo
Now that the Pondicherry Association has expanded to Hoover Island, it would seem that the natural next step would be to offer a franchise to a syndicate in “The Depths”.
What do we have to offer? A top-notch arena for one. “Depths Facial Tissue Plaza” is one of the largest indoor venues in the world, offering seating for over 60,000. The impressive structure also houses businesses, offices, kiosks and carts, and a large area where trucks can back in and unload their cargo. Individuals can also use this same area for discharging their own personal loads from their sacks.
And yet, “Depths Facial Tissue Plaza” remains largely unused. Sure, we have an occasional “funny circus” but such events fail to bring honor to our great arena and our great land. We need hockey and we need it now.
I urge the Pondicherry Association to consider “The Depths” as their next stopping point on their great road to world expansion.
The opinions of Phil Miller are not necessarily those of The Pondicherry Association News.
ACCOMMODATIONS
When staying in the Area Beyond the Outlands, pick the Murray. Friendly, creative staff, delightful beds, curtains. Phone Far Outlands 5-6712.
LANKVILLE DAILY NEWS: IN BOOK FORM!
The book is gone. It will never return. We hear stories but they are likely false. We live in the woods now. We make fire with a lighter that we found in the street. It was crushed by a truck but, somehow, perhaps through some intervention that is beyond us, it still works. We are waiting. We are waiting.
Original Pondicherry Association News promotional advertisement (2009)
TONIGHT ON TV! RICHARD AND THE POSTMAN REUNION SPECIAL!
The Hit program from the 1970's returns to Lankville TV tonight on LBC!
ADULT ADVERTISEMENT
Women all over Lankville are just sitting at mammoth computers waiting to hear from men like you! Just insert a floppy disk, write a (non-sexual) message and let the sparks fly! (Computer not included).
ADVERTISEMENT
A Vitiello Decorative Ham makes a great gift. Show that you care today.
BANDED DUFFELS ON PALLETS
Assorted colors. Whatever you want to do, man. Call Lankville Falls, 3247.
BRIAN SCHROPP IN THE LANKVILLE DAILY NEWS
The most important cuisine articles ever written.
CANDY
Jipps Co. Full Service Candy Counter! Our alert girls will push gummy drops into special paper sheaths, engage in restrained pleasantries and explain chocholate-to-nougat ratios. Call Central Lankville 3614.
CAT PHOTO
In compliance with Lankville subsection 11:16-4.
CHAMBERS CO. HAND DRILLS: When Electricity is Not an Option
When electricity is not an option consider the Chambers Company hand crank drills. Perfect for use in tight spaces, on distant islands or for drilling holes in fences to see TITS. Call 4-2309.
EMPLOYMENT
Big Ed's BBQ Shack is looking for a part-time waitress. Someone who doesn't nose around and ask a lot of difficult questions. Call Lankville Rougher Area, 5-2100.
EMPLOYMENT
Nuts, Ah! is looking for an experienced nut-handler. Experience with bagging nuts also important. If you break the nut sack, the nuts will drop onto the floor. Come in person for application to Twin Removed Pines Mall. NO CALLS.
FOX FOR PARTIES
Hire the Poetry Fox for Your Child's Next Party. Reasonable rates. Writes poems, dances, will not stand for any shenanigans. Call South Lankville 2009.
The funny stories of Dick Oakes, Jr. have thrilled millions. Look for them today in The Lankville Daily News!
GELSINGER’S ALLURE CLUB
Topless, bottomless wonderland. Mysterious back rooms. Carpeted entirely in astroturf. NO CALLS.
GREBOV BROTHERS TELESCOPE COMPANY
The Grebov Brothers are Lankville's finest purveyor of telescopes for astronomy enthusiasts. Substantial 4.5" apertures and fast f/4 focal ratios provide bright, detailed views of solar system targets like the Moon and planets, as well as wide-field celestial objects like nebulas and star clusters but also TITS.
GUMP PENETRATES
Only in The Lankville Daily News
HADBAWNIK HAUNTED STAIRCASE COMPANY
The Hadbawnik Company is Lankville's #1 installer of haunted, brush-littered staircases. Friendly non-foreign staff! Call Western (Outer) Lankville, 2154 or 2198 today.
HADBAWNIK HAUNTED BRUSH PILES!
The Hadbawnik Haunted Staircase Company is now offering haunted brush piles for use on your staircase. Create eerie, supernal ambiance. Allow the brush to blow haphazardly in the wind, creates fear, foreboding. Call our friendly staff of white people at Western Lankville, 2154. Brush piles may contain other forms of yard debris.
HEY! WANT A MONKEY?
Hey! Want a live little monkey? They do cute things like climb into pumpkins. Call "The Captain"- Central Lankville Hills, 5264.
HOME DUMP Your Neighborhood Hardware Store 16 Lankville Locations!
Weekly Special: Primitive Forged Hooks. Buy 4, Get a Can of Paint. Or Maybe Not. You'll Just Have to Find Out.
INFLAMED BY STARS AND BLOOD
Lankville's Premier Science Fiction and Horror Magazine Now Appearing in The Lankville Daily News!
JOHNNY PADRES, OPTICIAN
Lankville has been relying on Dr. Johnny Padres for their optical needs since 1973. We offer a full service family eye care center and provide examinations for glasses and contacts and have a large display of designer, traditional and innovative eyewear for both regular prescription eyeglasses and sunglasses all of which will enable you to see TITS better. Call Lankville Business 2618-2.
LIFE LESSONS FUNERAL HOME
Life Lessons Funeral Home has been helping Lankville with dead people since 1932. Contact Eddie or Stummins, Lankville Business, 5-2161.
LOOK AT THESE BEAUTIES!
Really some of our best ever! Have you ever seen anything like it? Call Kelly (male) at Lankville Sound 2615.
MISSING
Missing: adult penguin. Christ, I just let him out in the yard for one minute and now he's gone. Responds to the name "Richard". Call Lankville Eastern Outlands, 5-6213.
NOW PLAYING!
The Unhinged: A New Film by Tom "Vapor" Rayford. Crisp Street Cinema, Eastern Lankville
PINEAPPLE CITY: A New Way of Being
Pineapple City is a new way of being, feeling and having your shirt off. Located in the distant, barren Lankville Pines, Pineapple City is now accepting applications for sheds. Call PINES, 2-5771.
THE PUZZLER
In the pie chart above, what segment represents a certain specific strata of the general population?
REAL ESTATE
Little shed for sale. With door, mailbox, dirt plot. Site of multiple murders but don't worry, they happened around back. To inquire, come to the shed. Go around back.
REAL ESTATE
Four acre lot in Eastern Lankville Cove Area. Price reduced! Site of a fireworks display in which several people fell out of their lawnchairs and died. Locals believe it haunted but that's crap. Call Cove 2751.
THE RECKONER EXACTRA 2.0 : A Danny Madison Product
It's Your Time: CALCULATE
SARAH SAMWAYS: CONTRIBUTING FEMALE
Exclusively in the Lankville Daily News (and some other papers).
SPEAKING ENGAGEMENT
Robin Brox will sit around and get progressively more intoxicated while listening to this other broad natter on about something. LANKVILLE REGIONAL AUDITORIUM, August 4, 11PM.
SPEAKING ENGAGEMENT CANCELED
The Dr. M. Chambers speech and candy-making event has been canceled again following Dr. Chambers' sudden collapse into some baskets. New date TBA
TRAVEL TIPS by Randy Hammers
The Kum Back Inn in the Lankville Desert Area has long been serving road-weary travelers. They feature a restaurant (with cocktails) and two spacious conference rooms. The Kum Back boasts 65 units-- each including window dressing, some chairs and a larger chair (seats two smallish children), a bed with orange comforter, a plastic trash can, clever paintings, and a windowless door. TV also available in 17 (sometimes 19) rooms. Most of the rooms are air-conditioned. Oscillating fans available upon request. Illuminated carports will protect your vehicle from the vicious sudden dust storms that often overtake the Desert Area and the wild thieves that occasionally parade across the landscape like some unmentionable horror. Call now at TU-0780 and ask for Bud or Karen (married).
UTILITY YARD SHEDS
The Lowinger Brothers offer great utility yard sheds at low prices. This one is haunted. Call Lankville Port Area 1072.
VACATION PACKAGES!
Spectacular vacations in campers by little mountains. Your cares will melt away but you will have to be careful of that shack (pictured). A lunatic lives there. Call Mercantile District 2711.
WRESTLING TONIGHT!
8PM, Southern Lankville Man-Arena. Featuring Ric "Wild Boy" Tipps (green trunks).
ZACH KEEBAUGH INVESTIGATIONS
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LETTER SACK