REPORT: Royer Acting “All Grabby” with Easter Basket
By Grady Kitchens
Senior Staff Writer
File photo
It is reported this morning that Terrifying Bat GM Ric Royer has been acting “all grabby” with a large Easter basket display at the Foontz-Flonnaise Home of Abundant Senselessness.
“It’s been difficult to keep him away from the Easter basket,” stated Warden Jenness, who was interviewed in the front lobby of the Home. “It’s a particularly large basket that was donated by an anonymous patron and it features a great number of decorative felt flowers with smiley faces, Easter bunny bunting, large chocolate eggs, marshmallow decorative hams, all kinds of stuff. At first, he was really pawing at it– ripping the grass out, burying his whole head in the basket, taking things out and putting things back in. It’s starting to get a little out of hand at this point, though.” Jenness suddenly became quiet and he was observed to look far down the hallway. “I just saw him,” he said quietly. “He’s planning something.”
Royer appeared from around a corner and began running directly towards Jenness with a shovel. He was tackled by guards.
“That’s like the fifth time this morning,” Jenness noted, after Royer was subdued.
The eccentric GM was removed to his cell and was resting comfortably at last report.
Doctor Pennies on Travel, Special Tactics
By Doctor Pennies
Special Correspondent
File photo
I always pack lightly and utilize a suitcase that no one will remember. I change suitcases often. I have driven out to the desert and burned many a suitcase.
Upon occasion, special tactics are required. I have traversed many a rooftop in pitch black darkness.
Thanks.
Woman in a Man’s Game
By Robin Brox
File photo
Ivan was my first love. He had strange, tremendous tufts of blonde hair and a glove compartment filled with napkins. You would have never thought it possible to shove so many napkins into a glove compartment.
We drove down to the paper factory. “It’s burned to the ground,” he said. “There’s nothing to see, really.” He opened the glove compartment, removed a single napkin and tossed it out the window. “Hand me those tapes,” he said. They were neatly arranged in a brown leather case. We listened to some bullshit– he had terrible taste in music, one of his few faults.
We walked among the charred remains. A train went by and disappeared into a tunnel. “You know what that means?” he asked. At the time, I didn’t. He let it go and walked over to the car and took out another napkin before I could respond. He folded it carefully and threw it up in the air. It landed at his feet. “Gravity, that shit!” he exclaimed.
He rented a hotel that night under the name “Mr. and Mrs. Karl Koupons”. Paid cash. It was a double bed with a yellow comforter and a large painting of a dog above an old television set. “Why don’t you see what’s on?” he said. “I’m going back to the car”. I knew it was to get another damn napkin. It never ended.
The set sputtered and then flashed on. A series of spaceship rockets were being launched into a bay. You could hear a voice over a radio– “The spaceship rockets just fell into the bay. Mission aborted.” Then, the show ended. There was a long pause and then a commercial came on for soap flakes.
I put on some pink shorts. Ivan came back in with his head down. He looked terribly guilty of something.
“What? What is it?”
“Nothing,” he said. “Nothing. Just, those napkins make me so nervous”.
I kissed him. He ran his tongue along my front teeth. The sensation was odd.
“I…I’m sorry, I’ll be…just a minute.” He left. Those fucking napkins again.
I slept alone.
Lankville Theme Camp Opens to Massive Disapproval
By Dick Oakes, Jr.
Senior Staff Writer
File photo
“The Camp of the Mordant and Unexpected”, which opened yesterday in the Eastern Lankville Wooded Area Region, has been met with wide disapproval, according to sources.
“It’s hell,” said a camper who refused to be identified. “There are woods killers everywhere. They just come out of the woods and kill people. They need to figure out how to address that issue, otherwise, I think they’ll have trouble attracting more campers.”
Camp officials dismissed the complaints as growing pains.
“It’ll be alright,” said instructor Glennx Roberts. “We learned some things yesterday and we will apply our knowledge to the future and go into the next round with a better idea of beginnings and endings. We have some very nice facilities here. It’ll be alright.”
Roberts was suddenly revealed to be one of the killers. He was taken away.
“Definitely a mess here,” noted Detective Gee-Temple who responded to the scene. “Looks like they came out of the woods and into the camp. Then, they killed people. Then, they went back into the woods. That’s what I’ve got in my notes.” Gee-Temple held up his notes to verify his statement.
“We’ll be taking some grass samples, some mud and maybe some of the giant assegai’s that were left lying around,” added the intrepid detective. “We need to make the camp safe for camping. That’s our main goal.”
The camp will be closed for at least a week. Commissioner Pondicherry has yet to issue a statement.
To Hell with These God Damn Little Asshole Hills
By Fingers Rolly
Man on the Street
File photo
Everywhere you go now, it’s these little god damn asshole hills. Just staring at you, the little whores; they know they got you by the balls. Some of them have these rocks– what in the name of all that is decent is that supposed to mean?
Sometimes you gotta walk all the way around before you find a staircase leading up to the food kiosk. I oughta’ stop going to that bullshit place. You can’t put your kiosk on flat ground then fuck you, I’ll take my business elsewhere.
The Pondicherry Association News would like to apologize for the preceding article.
Chimney: 1955-2013
By Hugh G. Pickens
Crime Beat Reporter
File photo
Investigators fence off the sidewalk outside of Boffo Periods.
Pondicherry Association News reporter “The Chimney” was killed last night. The journalist was 57.
“The Chimney” was reportedly involved in a series of incidents outside an East Lankville nightclub. Police were involved.
“Witnesses reported that he was in a progressively agitated state throughout the evening,” noted Detective Gee-Temple, who responded to the scene. “His condition was worsened by an enormous intake of alcohol and we found quite a hefty amount of island narcotics in his system. He refused to leave the nightclub despite numerous requests from ownership.”
“He started smashing glasses and taking the shards of glass and slicing people,” stated Reg Sunnies, who has owned and operated Boffo Periods Nightclub since 2008. “Then, he started slicing himself. Then, he got inappropriate with some of the ladies. That’s when we bounced him.”
“The Chimney” was involved in a standoff with police around 2:15 A.M., after refusing to move from the front sidewalk of Boffo Periods.
“We asked him to leave and he said no,” stated Gee-Temple. “So, we shot him 17 times.”
“The Chimney” was hired this week after reporting on events in Lankville for 23 years. He was recently divorced from his wife and is survived by a cot, a wicker hamper and some tools.
Pondicherry Readers Speak Out
By Bill Hogg
Grocery Store Clerk
File photo
There’s nothing I like better than to climb in that big ol’ piece of Lankville iron I got parked out front and drive through the streets without stopping. Once, I was able to make it all the way downtown, blowing every red light, without getting caught. People look at that old car and they say, “Why, Bill, that’s a piece of shit.” And I pull my cap down and say, “Nope. There’s power to spare under that big baby’s hood.” And they walk away then.
The Pondicherry book is the sort of thing you can read while driving. It’s also good for that time before twilight when you’re having six or seven beers in the weedy area behind the convenience store. I even gave a copy to the little pervert who comes into the store and kneels behind the watermelons. “Hey man, your nuts are as big as these watermelons,” he would say, senselessly. But after I gave him the Pondicherry book, he quieted down and I found him a little stool and it calmed him for a good hour or two.
Then, there’s that fat lady who fashioned a hook under her skirt and we caught her taking out a couple of hams. The manager wanted to arrest her but I talked him out of it. “Go set her down in the corner and give her this book,” I said, pressing Pondicherry into his hand. I believe it did teach her something.
Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have a thing about smoking cigarettes on a toothpick.
Getting to Know Fingers Rolly (Part Two)
By Bernie Keebler
Senior Staff Writer
File photo
Fingers gnarls at his dinner; he has a strange habit of putting food into his mouth sideways and hunching over his plate protectively. Suddenly, he will bolt upwards in his seat and, remaining completely still, will gaze for an interminable period at something far off and distant out the window. Then, he will slowly return to his meal. For Fingers, eating seems a completely pleasureless experience.
I ask him about his last job. “Physical education,” he blurts out. “God damn desert high school. No fields to speak of, just that cracked brown whore dirt.” He spits on the floor. “For a time, I enjoyed it.” “How so?” I probe. He stares at me. Then: “It was fun to torture the unathletic children. But then I’d have to go into my office to fill out grades or something and even with the blinds shut, I knew that god damn desert was out there, mocking me.”
He takes a long, steadying drink of coffee. This is a rare, lucid moment. I know it will not last long.
“Then, I took to sleeping under the gym bleachers at night. I could no longer use facilities because, standing there, I could see that asshole desert out the window. So, I started defecating under the bleachers. The principal called me in after a few weeks.
“What did he say?”
“He said, Fingers– he said, we like some of the work you’re doing. You’re making important strides in teaching the fatter, unathletic kids how to wear their gym shorts. But we can’t have this moaning and screaming at the desert. And now that we’ve learned of this expelling of waste beneath the gym bleachers, well, I’m afraid that’s the last straw. So, he kicked me out on my ass.”
“What did you do?”
“I went home and made up two signs– I still have ’em, in there in the living room. Then, I took up a post here in this very chair and started screaming at that sonuvabitch. That cracked, god damn sonuvabitch…”
He gets up from the table (his rugged gait now marred by age) and starts towards the back door with a shotgun. I stop him.
“There’s nothing you can do, Fingers,” I plead.
He breathes rapidly but stops at the counter. He removes his hat and looks at the floor for several moments, blinking. He seems near tears.
Then, suddenly, his face changes completely. The transformation is stunning. FFFFFFUUUUUUCCCCKKKK OFFFFFFFF he moans slowly. He tries to strike me but I duck out of the way. He moves to his chair and begins the deeply unsettling desert moan broken by occasional moments of vile profanity. I keep out of his way as best I can. “At this point, he’ll start tearing the kitchen up,” warned a journalist friend.
I dig in and prepare for the worst.
The story of Fingers Rolly will continue in future issues.
Royer’s Madcap Experiences: The Ardth Hordes and the Tongueless Horror
By Ric Royer
File photo
Time was passing quickly when I selected my donkey. The sky, where it had been crimson only moments ago, had turned a dull slate grey and was moving quickly. Momentarily, I stared at the perplexing mountains beyond. There was something derelict about them.
It became suddenly yellow. “What’s that donkey? Why?” I asked, pointing into the hay-strewn mud shed. The native, an ancient figure, began to count out currency.
“Are you going to sell me that donkey? And what about the swords?” But it was useless. The figure continued his deliberate counting. I ambled over to a machine that dispensed hats.
I came back.
“What about the donkey and the swords?” He pointed to a barrel, covered in muslin. It became slate grey again. I selected two swords. One had a delicately-engraved scabbard.
“Give me a little booklet on the Ardth Hordes. Throw that in there. Put it on the counter, old man.” I was becoming pushy– it was impossible to tell whether night was coming. I eyed again the monstrous, grotesque mountains.
He had interest only in the coins. He took two sacks and immediately drained them.
The donkey was led out by a small boy.
That’s when I lit out for the Ardth Hordes and came upon the tongueless horror.
Chimney to Join Pondicherry News Staff
By Brock Belvedere, Jr.
Senior Staff Writer
File photo
A chimney will join the staff of The Pondicherry Association News it was announced this morning.
“We’re delighted to welcome the Chimney,” stated senior staff reporter Grady Kitchens at a morning press conference in which donuts and guns were handed out. “His smoke beacons have alerted us to many great hockey news events in the past and we expect such intrepid reporting to continue unabated.”
The Chimney
“I’ve always admired his work,” said distinctive reporter Tito Presentation. “He’s cute. My only fear is that he could categorically make the decision to remove his essence from the world stage thereby creating massive confusion and a general uncomfortable feeling that will leads to fights and death. He could do that and we need to all remember that.”
The Chimney declined to issue a statement.
How to Make Hockey Better for Puppets: By a 1960’s Space Puppet
By A 1960’s Space Puppet
File photo
It has often been opined (by puppets) that hockey can be a difficult game to follow, particularly on television. This is a problem that has plagued the Pondicherry Association (and puppets) for years.
Several space puppets, including myself, have come together to offer a solution.
We have constructed a constantly moving, glowing small orb that will be placed in a transparent puck. The glowing orb will occasionally emit flashing rays that will be visible from anywhere in the arena. These rays will, in turn, hook up with transmitters in the rafters and will emit a further, even more powerful ray. We have placed the timing for this emission at once every three seconds during game play.
We will introduce the concept to fans (including puppets) so that they might be prepared for the flashing radiance. We are experimenting with the idea of having different colored rays according to the period of play but at the moment, this is merely conceptual. We have also toyed with the idea of having players wear transmitters so that the rays might issue forth from the puck and carom off their jerseys, then finding their way upwards towards the ceiling transmitters. Again, this is currently in the conceptual stage.
Nevertheless, it is our intent to make hockey better for puppets.
Doctor Pennies on the Humanoid Pig-Like Creatures that Live in the Depths of a Great Chasm Beneath His House
By Doctor Pennies
Special Correspondent
File photo
I became trapped there during a flood. I had to kill hundreds.
After some time, I became transported to a further pit noted by its extraordinary periods of silence followed by eldtrich, sibilant bird calls. The pit changed into a vast sandy plain surrounded by mountains. For a time, there was peace.
Then the humanoid pig-like creatures returned. It was a dire struggle but I killed them and repelled them.
I returned to my bedroom but I have not slept.
58 Dead After Announcement of Robot Contest Winner
By Hugh G. Pickens
Crime Beat Reporter
File photo
58 people were killed early this afternoon following a Pondicherry Association News press conference to announce the winner of the recent “name the robot” contest. Information is still coming in.
“All we know right now is that an attack by a monster occurred after the winner was introduced,” stated Detective Gee-Temple, who was the first to respond to the scene. “There is some speculation that the monster was a giant hill werewolf but we cannot confirm that at this time. The robot was devoured.”
Some observers were immediately skeptical of the story.
“They just don’t want to give that robot away,” said robot fan Steve Thinnes. “I think they thought better of it and decided to keep it for themselves.”
A press conference is expected later this afternoon.
Musings of a Decorative Ham Man
By Chris Vitiello
File photo
In his later years, my father rarely left his second-story rooms above the antique store. Most of his time was spent composing simplistic paintings of bears while crying. I would often catch him at this– on his little stool, bereft of upholstery, his back quaking with emotion as he executed a childish bear face in cheap oils. Finished, he would tape the painting awkwardly to his walls (while still sobbing) where it would remain for years– growing dusty and edge curled, faded by the sunlight.
I would bring him a brown sack of groceries– fish, beans, rice and the like– staples that he himself had forgotten. Upon the occasion of my next visit, most of the sack would be where I had placed it, untouched. And I would wander through the rooms until I came upon him again in some distant corner, crying while painting a happy bear face. I would often leave without a hint of acknowledgement.
Finally, I enlisted the services of a man called “Castles”, a local psychiatrist. Castles and I made a slow tour of the rooms until we came upon the old man, as usual, bawling while painting. Castles observed him for some time– through the entire process and completion of yet another happy bear portrait.
“Well?” I asked. The old man paid us no mind. He continued to wail helplessly.
“I think it’s alright,” said Castles. “Yeah, there’s nothing really the matter here.”
“Is that so?” I questioned. I would whip him. There could be no doubt of that.
And later, as I walked Castles back to his car, we came upon an old alley, paved in ancient, uneven stones. With my shoulder, I guided Castles into the dark lane and proceeded to flog him mercilessly.
I received no bill.
Pucking Around: Brock Belvedere’s Notebook
By Brock Belvedere, Jr.
Senior Staff Writer
File photo
BATS DOMINATE
The Terrifying Bats continue to dominate in the P.A., having held the top spot for nearly a month after a slow start to the campaign. “We have a lot of quality players, fluid players,” noted GM Ric Royer, who was interviewed in his new van. “At first, I was hesitant about Keith Candles [sic] and Ilya Candles [sic] but they’ve proven…”
Royer suddenly paused when he noticed that the van had a large flip-down ashtray with cigarette lighter.
“Look at this!” the executive exclaimed loudly. “This van is a virile, limitless box of curiosities. The wonder is an endless fount!”
The GM then kicked this reporter in the face four times and the interview was ended prematurely.
CATCHING UP WITH “INNER HAMMER”
The Small Pizzas have been maintaining a close second to Royer’s Bats all season despite the absence of their enigmatic owner “Inner Hammer”. The Hammer has been on extended vacation in the Teets Island Chain since late summer. We caught up with the executive at an outdoor market where he was screaming at a local vendor over the price of a pineapple.
“You have to be firm with these people,” he explained. “They are beautiful people but occasionally you have to berate them if you want to get a reasonable deal on pineapples.”
“Inner Hammer” sat down for a brief interview.
BB: Will you be returning to Lankville?
IH: Probably not, Brock. I’m thinking of getting married to a native girl.
BB: What about Aunt Pam?
IH(clearly confused): I’m not sure I know the reference…
BB: Let’s move on. Settling down, eh?
IH: Well, settling down is a phrase you can use if you want to fit into the desperate hierarchical systems of Lankville. I’ll still be out there, regularly slapping a batch around if you know what I’m saying.
BB: That vendor is putting out more pineapples.
IH: THAT MOTHERFUCKER! (Inner Hammer ran back to the table screaming and the interview was ended).
BROX COLUMN TO CONTINUE
It was announced yesterday that Woman in a Man’s Game, Robin Brox’s new column, will continue in future issues of The Pondicherry Association News.
“She offers a fresh perspective on the game and on life,” noted senior staff reporter Grady Kitchens. “We’ve had a few women reporters before like that old yarn lady [Lida Fjord] and that little tiny woman that reported on society [name forgotten] but after awhile they either died or went missing. So, it’s good to welcome Ms. Brox aboard.”
Brox, interviewed at her Western Lankville uncolored condiment factory, was pleased at the news.
“I’ve always been able to write. When I was a teenager, I wrote a series of poems about all those space shuttles that exploded back in the 80’s and I won a prize. Then, in college, I wrote some short stories about all those other space shuttles that exploded. I guess I stopped writing right around when they stopped trying to launch space shuttles. But people still remembered my work. If they start launching space shuttles again, I’ll probably take up the pen once more.”
ACCOMMODATIONS
When staying in the Area Beyond the Outlands, pick the Murray. Friendly, creative staff, delightful beds, curtains. Phone Far Outlands 5-6712.
LANKVILLE DAILY NEWS: IN BOOK FORM!
The book is gone. It will never return. We hear stories but they are likely false. We live in the woods now. We make fire with a lighter that we found in the street. It was crushed by a truck but, somehow, perhaps through some intervention that is beyond us, it still works. We are waiting. We are waiting.
Original Pondicherry Association News promotional advertisement (2009)
TONIGHT ON TV! RICHARD AND THE POSTMAN REUNION SPECIAL!
The Hit program from the 1970's returns to Lankville TV tonight on LBC!
ADULT ADVERTISEMENT
Women all over Lankville are just sitting at mammoth computers waiting to hear from men like you! Just insert a floppy disk, write a (non-sexual) message and let the sparks fly! (Computer not included).
ADVERTISEMENT
A Vitiello Decorative Ham makes a great gift. Show that you care today.
BANDED DUFFELS ON PALLETS
Assorted colors. Whatever you want to do, man. Call Lankville Falls, 3247.
BRIAN SCHROPP IN THE LANKVILLE DAILY NEWS
The most important cuisine articles ever written.
CANDY
Jipps Co. Full Service Candy Counter! Our alert girls will push gummy drops into special paper sheaths, engage in restrained pleasantries and explain chocholate-to-nougat ratios. Call Central Lankville 3614.
CAT PHOTO
In compliance with Lankville subsection 11:16-4.
CHAMBERS CO. HAND DRILLS: When Electricity is Not an Option
When electricity is not an option consider the Chambers Company hand crank drills. Perfect for use in tight spaces, on distant islands or for drilling holes in fences to see TITS. Call 4-2309.
EMPLOYMENT
Big Ed's BBQ Shack is looking for a part-time waitress. Someone who doesn't nose around and ask a lot of difficult questions. Call Lankville Rougher Area, 5-2100.
EMPLOYMENT
Nuts, Ah! is looking for an experienced nut-handler. Experience with bagging nuts also important. If you break the nut sack, the nuts will drop onto the floor. Come in person for application to Twin Removed Pines Mall. NO CALLS.
FOX FOR PARTIES
Hire the Poetry Fox for Your Child's Next Party. Reasonable rates. Writes poems, dances, will not stand for any shenanigans. Call South Lankville 2009.
The funny stories of Dick Oakes, Jr. have thrilled millions. Look for them today in The Lankville Daily News!
GELSINGER’S ALLURE CLUB
Topless, bottomless wonderland. Mysterious back rooms. Carpeted entirely in astroturf. NO CALLS.
GREBOV BROTHERS TELESCOPE COMPANY
The Grebov Brothers are Lankville's finest purveyor of telescopes for astronomy enthusiasts. Substantial 4.5" apertures and fast f/4 focal ratios provide bright, detailed views of solar system targets like the Moon and planets, as well as wide-field celestial objects like nebulas and star clusters but also TITS.
GUMP PENETRATES
Only in The Lankville Daily News
HADBAWNIK HAUNTED STAIRCASE COMPANY
The Hadbawnik Company is Lankville's #1 installer of haunted, brush-littered staircases. Friendly non-foreign staff! Call Western (Outer) Lankville, 2154 or 2198 today.
HADBAWNIK HAUNTED BRUSH PILES!
The Hadbawnik Haunted Staircase Company is now offering haunted brush piles for use on your staircase. Create eerie, supernal ambiance. Allow the brush to blow haphazardly in the wind, creates fear, foreboding. Call our friendly staff of white people at Western Lankville, 2154. Brush piles may contain other forms of yard debris.
HEY! WANT A MONKEY?
Hey! Want a live little monkey? They do cute things like climb into pumpkins. Call "The Captain"- Central Lankville Hills, 5264.
HOME DUMP Your Neighborhood Hardware Store 16 Lankville Locations!
Weekly Special: Primitive Forged Hooks. Buy 4, Get a Can of Paint. Or Maybe Not. You'll Just Have to Find Out.
INFLAMED BY STARS AND BLOOD
Lankville's Premier Science Fiction and Horror Magazine Now Appearing in The Lankville Daily News!
JOHNNY PADRES, OPTICIAN
Lankville has been relying on Dr. Johnny Padres for their optical needs since 1973. We offer a full service family eye care center and provide examinations for glasses and contacts and have a large display of designer, traditional and innovative eyewear for both regular prescription eyeglasses and sunglasses all of which will enable you to see TITS better. Call Lankville Business 2618-2.
LIFE LESSONS FUNERAL HOME
Life Lessons Funeral Home has been helping Lankville with dead people since 1932. Contact Eddie or Stummins, Lankville Business, 5-2161.
LOOK AT THESE BEAUTIES!
Really some of our best ever! Have you ever seen anything like it? Call Kelly (male) at Lankville Sound 2615.
MISSING
Missing: adult penguin. Christ, I just let him out in the yard for one minute and now he's gone. Responds to the name "Richard". Call Lankville Eastern Outlands, 5-6213.
NOW PLAYING!
The Unhinged: A New Film by Tom "Vapor" Rayford. Crisp Street Cinema, Eastern Lankville
PINEAPPLE CITY: A New Way of Being
Pineapple City is a new way of being, feeling and having your shirt off. Located in the distant, barren Lankville Pines, Pineapple City is now accepting applications for sheds. Call PINES, 2-5771.
THE PUZZLER
In the pie chart above, what segment represents a certain specific strata of the general population?
REAL ESTATE
Little shed for sale. With door, mailbox, dirt plot. Site of multiple murders but don't worry, they happened around back. To inquire, come to the shed. Go around back.
REAL ESTATE
Four acre lot in Eastern Lankville Cove Area. Price reduced! Site of a fireworks display in which several people fell out of their lawnchairs and died. Locals believe it haunted but that's crap. Call Cove 2751.
THE RECKONER EXACTRA 2.0 : A Danny Madison Product
It's Your Time: CALCULATE
SARAH SAMWAYS: CONTRIBUTING FEMALE
Exclusively in the Lankville Daily News (and some other papers).
SPEAKING ENGAGEMENT
Robin Brox will sit around and get progressively more intoxicated while listening to this other broad natter on about something. LANKVILLE REGIONAL AUDITORIUM, August 4, 11PM.
SPEAKING ENGAGEMENT CANCELED
The Dr. M. Chambers speech and candy-making event has been canceled again following Dr. Chambers' sudden collapse into some baskets. New date TBA
TRAVEL TIPS by Randy Hammers
The Kum Back Inn in the Lankville Desert Area has long been serving road-weary travelers. They feature a restaurant (with cocktails) and two spacious conference rooms. The Kum Back boasts 65 units-- each including window dressing, some chairs and a larger chair (seats two smallish children), a bed with orange comforter, a plastic trash can, clever paintings, and a windowless door. TV also available in 17 (sometimes 19) rooms. Most of the rooms are air-conditioned. Oscillating fans available upon request. Illuminated carports will protect your vehicle from the vicious sudden dust storms that often overtake the Desert Area and the wild thieves that occasionally parade across the landscape like some unmentionable horror. Call now at TU-0780 and ask for Bud or Karen (married).
UTILITY YARD SHEDS
The Lowinger Brothers offer great utility yard sheds at low prices. This one is haunted. Call Lankville Port Area 1072.
VACATION PACKAGES!
Spectacular vacations in campers by little mountains. Your cares will melt away but you will have to be careful of that shack (pictured). A lunatic lives there. Call Mercantile District 2711.
WRESTLING TONIGHT!
8PM, Southern Lankville Man-Arena. Featuring Ric "Wild Boy" Tipps (green trunks).
ZACH KEEBAUGH INVESTIGATIONS
Only in The Lankville Daily News
The Lankville Daily News 
LETTER SACK